GN's Progress Log - Self-Love Arc: 1 Week of HingeX Results, and Need Texting Advice

TonyV said:

My friend, you need to chill. Saying that with all the best intentions in the world. Flaking has never been so common, flirt-and-gone behavior is widespread amongst girls, if you can't find a way to be cool with it modern dating will eat you alive, you'll grow into a bitter and hateful incel and that'll just drive you deeper into loneliness.

You gotta learn to be detached. Take what comes from girls the same way you'd take what comes from the weather. It's good? Great, you can enjoy it. It's bad? Well that sucks, but it's useless being angry at the sky, you're better off just moving on and working around it. Great masculine quality #1: be a rock, let the girls be the sea around you, you're unaffected whichever way they move.

Turn the perspective of your efforts towards yourself, rather than her. Don't plan dates for her enjoyment, plan a good time for yourself, and if she happens to tag along make sure she enjoys the ride too. That will save you from the bitterness of "I put so much effort into it, gave so much value, and she didn't give me anything in return." Anything she gives is cherry on top.

That also means you don't rely on girls too much. There'll always be a chance of rain, so if you're planning an outing at the beach, think of what you gonna do if it starts pouring. Weave dates into your life, be flexible. A girl wanna meet for just an hour? Tell her to meet you at a Starbucks, work on your laptop before she comes, keep working if she doesn't show up. Waiting for a girl at a bar and she doesn't show up? Switch gears, now you're on for nightgame.

Always be civil, never be angry, never be bitter. Great masculine quality #2, girls really love that. A girl flirts with you like crazy but when you try to kiss her she says she's not ready? Laugh about it and how cute her shyness is. A girl is 30 min late for a date and texting "I'll be here in 15 min"? Reply politely "Hey, I got a rule of not waiting longer than 30 min so it's just not happening tonight. Happy to meet another time though, lmk" You have everything to lose by bitterly calling a girl out.

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Its okay to get upset over a flake/bad date but not like crazy upset in most cases. I think for me it was just the fact I hadn't been on a date in so long that I really took it personally. I should keep in mind whether a lot of dates or a little, I shouldn't adapt scarcity mentality.

I did reflect on this and realized I reacted terribly. One chick not giving me the time of day doesn't mean that all other girls will do the same. Hell I have had dates where they have stuck around for plenty of time. Regardless though I shouldn't place too much of my self worth on women.

But you are right, I look like a weak man by acting hostile over other people's bullshit whether or not it is directed at me. I should take it as it comes. I actually had this thought last week when I saw two guys who bullied me a lot in high school at my local gym. I was wondering if they recognized me what I should say and how to act. My knee-jerk thought was to be a dick to him if they tried to talk to me. But immediately I course corrected and said I would just be civil unless he tries to aggravate me and even then I would keep my cool. They did recognize me and asked me how life was going, we just had some small talk and got back to our workouts. I realize the value in just regulating my emotions and not reacting strongly to everything now.

Adrizzle said:

IMO you should take every shot you can. Not meeting a girl because it’s only an hour date acceptable if you have something else important on but otherwise it’s still an opportunity. How much can you connect in an hour? How much can you escalate in an hour?






Overthinking. Who cares if they do, you need to figure out if they feel that way with you

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An hour is fine connection wise but for me not really if I am trying to get laid on that date.

Nighttime dates would be easier for second dates but its probably not much different for first dates if its a public place. During the winter I met girls around the same time I do now but back then it got dark way quicker, they didn't seem to take issue so yeah maybe I am just overthinking.

Vic said:

I can schedule them later, I think I have just heard a lot of girls say stuff about how they don't feel as safe with nighttime dates but I can still ask. Do a lot of women really feel that way?

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Nah, they're chill. Like you're not asking them to meet down some alleyway, you're not being pushy about it, when scheduling the date, just ask "8pm good for you?". Evening dates are very normal.

Try 8pm, highly recommend. And I've done this when living in a place where it gets dark at 3pm in winter..

Vic said:

An hour is fine connection wise but for me not really if I am trying to get laid on that date.

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Baby steps. If you haven't had a date in forever, be cool with taking 2-3 dates before bringing the girl to bed. It's easier to do than one-date lays, and easier to pass from that to one-date lay than aiming at that right away.

Also, it's a better strategy to see the girl 3x 30 min, than have a 90 min date--psychologically the first leads to a deeper attachment, you feel like you've met more. Of course it depends on whether it takes you 1h of commuting in order to see the girl--but if not, and if you can weave the date seamlessly into your schedule, why not?

Date Log: Chinese girl from Work Program

I went on that date with the Chinese girl from the Stanford program. She was pretty cute, slightly above average but idk if she was worth it enough with the bullshit logistics I had. I initially thought the place was only a 25-ish minute drive but I was wrong, I picked a stupid time for the date being peak leave-work time for most working adults. It took probably like 40-45 minutes, so maybe from now on @Antonio44 I will schedule at like 8.

Traffic was ass, this was a new location, and I took a wrong turn that got me late. She didn't mind me being kinda late though. I asked before hand if she wanted me to pick her up and she said no because she would be coming from another city. Which I found out later during the date was because she was visiting her father because her parents are divorced. Reflexively I expressed my sympathies for it because I have friends who have divorced parents and it fucked up their mental health pretty bad. Not assuming hers is fucked too but I just wanted to be empathetic ig.

I asked a lot of the same questions/talked about the same topics I usually do on dates, she did also for me but it sounded more like it was coming from a place of "I don't want an awkward silence" rather than genuinely trying to get to know me as a person at least judging from her mannerisms. Not saying its a bad thing, I think she did want to know me better. I wasn't thinking about this much during the date though. I kinda just dropped my analytical side and just focused on trying to get to know her and have fun with her. I still struggle with subcomms and shit a bit. Didn't ask her about her dating past either. Also, the shyer the girl the more anxious I am to break the touch barrier. During this date the table had two seats opposing each other (only tables this boba spot had), but when I wanted to get closer I just nudged the other tables seat towards ours with my foot saying I wanted to show her something, sat on it and got close. Light touching and got my arm around her shoulder. It was basically automatic in the moment, saved me from another bout of extra turboautist thinking. Earlier in the date she did say she had something after, at like 6:30. Our date was at 5 so I was fine with that. We headed out of the place when it was getting closer to that time and chatted outside next to her car for a little bit. She then said she had to go, so we hugged. I tried to lean in for a kiss but her face wasn't facing mine when we hugged so I backed off. I didn't go for it, besides from what the forum tells me kisses are mostly meaningless so no point trying hard for one.

This date didn't feel like much of anything remarkable. She kinda seemed boring. Sweet girl but just not stimulating enough for me to truly find the date as fun as I like. I texted her the day after and she just liked the message, no reply. So I guess no second date.

8/5:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 3141
Protein: 153g
Gym: 0/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/6:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2737
Protein: 160g
Gym: 0/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/7:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2694
Protein: 141g
Gym: 1/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/8:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2807
Protein: 147g
Gym: 1/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/9:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2174
Protein: 121g
Gym: 1/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/10:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2383
Protein: 135g
Gym: 2/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: No
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/11:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2008
Protein: 100g
Gym: 3/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: yes
Skincare: yes

Notes:

I wanted to start filling out job applications but a lot of them required a BLS/CPR certification, so I got that done over the weekend and started applying for jobs. I slacked on apps and this new course I am taking so this week I will be spending majority of the time applying for jobs, working on Masters/Accelerated Bachelors apps, and staying on top of my Pharmacology course. Sucky thing is a lot of jobs require some level of focused healthcare experience so I have to filter for jobs not requiring as much. I just need something that has to do with patient care whether its a scheduling coordinator, transporter, assistant, or whatever. I thought the shadowing thing would be a shoe-in for a job but doesn't seem like it, though I could ask the ppl I have contacted/worked under in the hospital what positions they have available/need desperately. Dunno if it will work but its worth a shot, I don't lose anything if they say no after all.

I had that date with the Chinese girl, made a separate log post about it. Overall a very meh date, hate that I had to go so far. Still, wish I could get more dates for more practice but at least I got something. This marks my 21st date or something.

I just started working with a psychiatrist who is based out of California. I just sent messages to a few on this website I found and he was one of the few who got back to me. I was interested as he says he specializes in men's mental health. Luckily my health insurance works for his services. We discussed finances and then we had our first appointment on Friday the 9th. He pitched himself to me as a solution-oriented psychiatrist which I thought sounded great as while talking about how I feel helps in the moment, it won't always solve my issues and sometimes I can't figure out the best course of action so I need to be told what to do. During the session I mainly told him about my dating struggles, how it has affected my self-esteem, and how it may be one of the reasons my porn addiction has gotten worse again.

He asked me what I do to care for myself as well as if I "like" myself, on a scale of 1-10. I said 5 as I told him it varies day to day. He also asked me what would maybe get it to like a 7. I told him if I had some successful dates, got a job, made some money, gained more noticeable muscle mass. He said thats good and all but too based on external factors as at least 3/4 of these are based a lot on outside factors. Thats not to say I cannot influence them. So he kind of covered again just working on caring for myself on a day to day basis by doing what I said I am doing but also leaning into hobbies like cooking again. I also really wanted help on dealing with my porn addiction, and as we talked it kind of hit me why I watch porn/jack off to it. It sounds pathetic but its honestly the most coherent thought I have had on this in a minute. At least currently, and despite my progress, whenever I see a hot girl online a part of me gets sad and feels like I won't be able to get/be loved by a girl like that. And the only way to sort of "feel" like I can be with her is by jacking off to her porn. He said that is actually a really good insight, so we redirected the conversation back to the importance of self-love. We planned to talk more about it next session but I started doing my own work.

I tried to examine my current life, and my habits and think "is this an act of self-love, am I treating myself well". Now not everything has to be, sometimes we gotta do things because its necessary (like even a job you hate). But at least things like watching porn, thats an act of self-destruction. Not PMO-ing and doing something else can be an act of self-love. Other things like sleeping enough, eating well, regular exercise, etc. All classify too. I used to think it was just about how you talk to yourself but it is much easier to think nicer of yourself when externally you engage with yourself the way you should. I still catch myself saying negative things, like when I forget something I am like "god I am so dumb". Though for stuff like that I could reword it and think "that was a dumb thing to do". Initially I need to catch myself in the act, correct myself, and then eventually it should become automatic.

I could just be getting ahead of myself but maybe loving myself(besides getting more action ofc) is the key to beating porn. Not blockers, keeping streaks, and all this other bullshit. We talked about this too, an addict will always find a way to get their fix even if there is a block. If I truly believe I am worthy of intimacy and can get the girls I want, what reason is there to use porn?

8/12:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2111
Protein: 98g
Gym: 0/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/13:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2364
Protein: 124g
Gym: 1/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/14:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2017
Protein: 89g
Gym: 1/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/15:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2657
Protein: 133g
Gym: 2/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/16:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2787
Protein: 149g
Gym: 2/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/17:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 3505
Protein: 166g
Gym: 3/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/18:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2731
Protein: 123g
Gym: 3/3
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

Notes:

This week was a little bit better than my previous weeks. Which I find interesting as I wasn't consistent diet wise because the protein powder I ordered ended up taking way longer than expected. I think what really helped was deleting Reddit (again yeah smh). Dunno why I keep coming back to that app even though my mental state is way better without it. But staying away from it has been easier now that I have started putting more focus on the gym and creating a routine of working on courses and applications at the same time. With the applications I had a writers block again but with some small efforts and using whatever tools I could, I broke through.

I finally made it to 135 on my bench for around 6-7 reps, my progress on bench has been so slow but I am at least happy for more progressive overload. I realized recently though my inconsistency with bench is why I progressed so slow. Coupled with the fact that since my gym has only 3 bench racks and they are almost always taken, I sometimes wait till later in my routine to do it, and that is bad because I already have a lot of muscle fatigue. I try to do it first thing in the routine from now on, maybe second if I can't but that is pushing it. My squat and RDL progressed to 155 both for 5 reps and 6 reps respectively. Funny thing is I feel like I have been going to the gym on autopilot for so long but as I have started changing my routine a little to fit my needs I am more mindful and that kinda makes the gym more fun. An example would be that I took out some leg workouts because I already have big ass quads and replaced them with forearms exercises. My only real leg exercises now are squats and RDLs. Sure I could work on calves but I wear pants basically all the time and I rarely see women care about a dudes legs as long as they aren't chicken bone legs. I have seen some small changes in my forearm thickness ever since I added forearm workouts, my brachioradialis is sticking out a little bit more which makes my forearm feel much less like a twig. I guess its just the newbie gains I got from finally isolating my forearms. Still, its all about the small wins.

I have been considering stopping the bulk end of the month as I am gaining some fat around my stomach, but on the bright side my face hasn't lost much definition. I still look good there. However, I think I am not ready to start plateuing again, and I still think I can work harder. I have way more free time now so I can put more effort into the gym. I will try to start going 4x a week from now on. I have heard the ideal bulk is around 6 or more months long. I have done 4 months now, albeit pretty inconsistent. So my goal for the next 2-2.5 months is maximize the amount of free time I have by being consistent with all my habits whilst doing 4x a week gym. Hopefully I can be happy with myself by then before I start another cut but last time I made a plan like this and set an expectation I was disappointed.

I also got my ears pierced. I used some of the money I got from Stanford. It cost me like 80$, and I kept it simple with these small titanium studs. The person piercing my ears was super chill, really nice dude. The piercing part was kind of painful but he helped me through it. Its a subtle change to my appearance but I like it. Right after that I came home, and my fam saw them and said they fw it. We were chillin and my dog came up and jumped on my seat. My mom took a couple of candid pictures and I got a replacement for my current dog photo on my Hinge profile. Looks much better imo as my dog is featured way more in the pic and its more interactive.

On the mental side of things, I think so far the self-love arc is going good. I am trying to self validate by treating my body and mind well. I also help out way more around the house with chores. I walk my dog nearly every day now because my parents both work, and even though I initially hated it, I am coming to appreciate it as focusing on my dog in that scenario helps take my mind off other shit. I want to be someone people can rely on and appreciate. I also have been realizing I have some deep seated unhealthy tendencies when it comes to women. As a result, I pulled back from the apps coupled with the fact they make me feel like shit. I think a part of me is only caring about women as a means of validation. I thought about my situation with K a lot. Before I decided to embark on focusing more on self-love, I was thinking about her a lot, wishing I had someone like her in my life. I got curious and checked her IG after a while and I saw she posted some new stuff and looks way prettier now, and I started beating myself up for "fumbling". I think realistically though I just missed the validation she gave me because realistically when I remove the rose-tinted glasses, an LDR fucking sucks especially for a guy whose love languages are physical touch and quality time. And the reason I get mad at chicks who leave dates early, ghost, flake, etc is because an opportunity for me to receive validation again is denied. I feel like I am just looking for a K replacement when I am dating right now and that is not good. I could also just be far too fixated on wanting girls to validate me because of the fact I basically got little to no validation most of my life from them. Also fyi Its not like I don't care about these women as people, I very much do. At least with relationships, way I see it is sure feeling validated by your partner is necessary, but I need to consider the person first and foremost.

8/19:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2670
Protein: 135g
Gym: 1/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/20:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2154
Protein: 80g
Gym: 1/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/21:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2835
Protein: 148g
Gym: 2/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/22:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2566
Protein: 134g
Gym: 2/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/23:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2788
Protein: 137g
Gym: 3/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/24:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 3094
Protein: 123g
Gym: 3/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/25:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 3057
Protein: 143g
Gym: 4/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

Notes:

Happy 1 year anniversary to my log, its been a wild ride but good thing I have made some progress. Still working on building momentum in some areas but small efforts will compound into something big overtime. Switched my username back to GN since I realize I prefer this, I don't like using Vic as a username anymore, heck if I could put GN as my name on my dating profiles I would, but its suboptimal.

First week of going to the gym 4 times versus my usual 3 went well, I decided on a routine beforehand starting with targeting my shoulders, some chest, and then finishing off with arms+forearms. I looked at some old pics of how I looked toward the end of my cutting phase versus now and I think I do see the progression in looking more "full" which is reflective of the fact I have been progressing.

I still feel some body dysmorphia like thoughts though and I spend a lot of time starting at myself in the mirror wondering if I actually look the way I do and the mirror is just lying to me. It doesn't help I still feel fitness social media's effects on me from when I spent too much time on instagram, but to mitigate that I just try to focus on my goals. I just want a physique that women are attracted to and feel masculine. I have mentioned to my fam that I don't particularly like my body and they look at me like I am crazy and say that most Indian guys are ugly but I am not. Also saying that I am not the same guy 2 years ago who was near obese. I remember thinking all my body self esteem issues would disappear once I got my gyno surgery, so I got it. Sure, it felt really good. I finally looked good in t-shirts, could experiment more with fashion, and the bullying I endured for it in high school stopped acting like a black shadow in my life. It didn't make all my issues go away, instead I just turned to a different part of my body to feel bad about, my forearms. Then I started working those out more, see a little progress so I think I am on the right track. Then now I am like "oh my arms don't look wide from the front", so I start focusing on that. Its not stupid to assume even if I perfected myself with my current mental state, I would still find something to bitch about.

I talked to my therapist about it and he said a lot of speal about finding women who appreciate you for you. I told him also that sometimes what drives my negative thoughts about my body is that the girls who play stupid games on dating apps would become compliant if I had a good physique, cuz I have most other looks components down. It may be true but then I am just filtering in more shallow women, at least thats what he told me. Not saying I shouldn't try to achieve a good physique though.

How do I stop critiquing myself constantly and maybe just accept myself for who I am whilst still trying to improve?

I can't offer any experience or solutions but congratulations on your 1 year anniversary!

G.N said:

girls who play stupid games on dating apps would become compliant if I had a good physique

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Nope. Im no expert but I think this is one of the main driving forces of body dysmorphia. “Once I look like X I will finally get Y”. Yes you’ll get treated better but the difference is not that crazy. I have a friend who used to have body dysmorphia, and suddenly he just lost the obsession. I think calling him out on it consistently made him more mindful of the thoughts. If you’d like I can ask him what made him change.

Perseus said:

Nope. Im no expert but I think this is one of the main driving forces of body dysmorphia. “Once I look like X I will finally get Y”. Yes you’ll get treated better but the difference is not that crazy. I have a friend who used to have body dysmorphia, and suddenly he just lost the obsession. I think calling him out on it consistently made him more mindful of the thoughts. If you’d like I can ask him what made him change.

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that has been such a massive problem I have had throughout my journey where my thinking becomes so black and white. I would be better off thinking that it would just make my life better, which I would be likelier to be right.

I think also my brain is super rotted from seeing all these top tier genetic mfs achieve like years worth of progress in a few months. Though tbf a lot of these people start really skinny. Meanwhile I started from being near obese. So since our origins are different, comparison is stupid.

I would absolutely appreciate if you told me what exactly helped him overcome his BD

G.N said:

I would absolutely appreciate if you told me what exactly helped him overcome his BD

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I asked him and the answer is a bit of an anticlimax. He told me it happened right when he moved out of his parent’s house. He started consuming less and less fitness content and lost the interest in it, simple as that. I think it comes down to finding whatever fuels the BD and replacing it with another interest/obsession.

G.N said:

How do I stop critiquing myself constantly and maybe just accept myself for who I am whilst still trying to improve?

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Couple of thoughts:

• Aesthetic progress at the gym: if you check where you are every step of the way you'll be in constant pain, same as waiting for an hour to pass and checking the clock every 10s. Best approach: set yourself a goal of pace (e.g. hit the gym 1h 3x a week), do it and learn to enjoy the process, and forget about results.
  
  
• 100% agree with @Perseus that looking at online content is toxic. That's why I stay away from instagram, youtube and all that shit. If you're not willing to go that far, you can use apps that limit your use of instagram, or unfollow all the toxic content and regularly bias the insta algo towards something that is not toxic (like, spend 30 min searching for bird pics; your insta will pick up on that and start showing you walls of bird pics).
  
  
• Pick up another hobby you can focus on that will distract you from your physique obsession. Latin dance or improv are awesome on their own, and at improving your game.
  
  
• Kinda extreme measure, but something I could see myself doing if I was spending too much time in front of the mirror: replace it with a smaller mirror. It's dumb but it would definitely help.
  
  
• Also, guy with self-esteem issues here : I picked up the habit of writing down every night 4 things:
  • Things I've done today that show my qualities (e.g. I showed perseverance by pestering that HR guy until he agreed to give me an interview),
  • Things I've done today that I enjoyed (e.g. I chatted with the barista this morning)
  • Things I've done today that I consider to be an achievement (e.g. finally managed to do 10 pull-ups)
  • Things I've experienced today that I see as good luck (e.g. that cute girl on the bus smiled at me).
    
    Doesn't rebuild self-esteem overnight but it does help in the long run if you keep at it.

Good luck man!

Perseus said:

I asked him and the answer is a bit of an anticlimax. He told me it happened right when he moved out of his parent’s house. He started consuming less and less fitness content and lost the interest in it, simple as that. I think it comes down to finding whatever fuels the BD and replacing it with another interest/obsession.

Click to expand...

I think I understand now most social media pictures are just not real. I only listen to a select few influencers like Jeff Nippard, Sean Nalwenajy, and Trainer Winny as they are very No BS. They are also pretty outspoken about how toxic and full of shit the industry is too.

I feel a lot of the dysmorphia comes from feeling like I am not progressing as fast as I should, seeing people get crazy newbie gains in a few months while my newbie gains felt underwhelming compared to them. I have been trying to just refocus my goals. My goal isn't to be some roided up mf. I just want to have a decent amount of muscle and be healthy so that I feel masculine and attract women. And thats good enough for most women as the body type I have read they are most attracted to is an athletic one that isn't too big, though being really big isn't bad though and wouldn't hurt.

TonyV said:

Aesthetic progress at the gym: if you check where you are every step of the way you'll be in constant pain, same as waiting for an hour to pass and checking the clock every 10s. Best approach: set yourself a goal of pace (e.g. hit the gym 1h 3x a week), do it and learn to enjoy the process, and forget about results.

Click to expand...

Sean Nalwenajy talks about this a lot and I wish I heard this sooner because it could have saved me a lot of months of feeling like I am not getting the results I want when really it takes time. I feel like I notice a difference once every few months. I noticed a change first few months after I started gym, didn't see jack shit for a while (plateau), and then I noticed it again recently.

TonyV said:

100% agree with @Perseus that looking at online content is toxic. That's why I stay away from instagram, youtube and all that shit. If you're not willing to go that far, you can use apps that limit your use of instagram, or unfollow all the toxic content and regularly bias the insta algo towards something that is not toxic (like, spend 30 min searching for bird pics; your insta will pick up on that and start showing you walls of bird pics).

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I don't follow any fitness influencers on IG, only really watch three fitness youtubers who's content actually helps me. I try to not use IG much at all. There is too much BS content on there that just makes me feel shitty, annoyed, or both

TonyV said:

• Pick up another hobby you can focus on that will distract you from your physique obsession. Latin dance or improv are awesome on their own, and at improving your game.
  
  
• Kinda extreme measure, but something I could see myself doing if I was spending too much time in front of the mirror: replace it with a smaller mirror. It's dumb but it would definitely help.

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My family isn't home as much during the day and I have the house to myself so I spend more time cooking. I also just try to spend more time being helpful which includes doing things I don't like, like walking my dog. I generally don't like walking my dog because I like walks to be relaxing and he is very high energy, pulls a lot, and barks at randoms. Spending more time getting better at walking him has strangely helped put my mind at ease and I kinda look forward to doing it every morning now.

For the mirror thing I have a massive one in my room that makes up my closet doors, so I can't remove it. But I have started working in the living room instead.

TonyV said:

Also, guy with self-esteem issues here : I picked up the habit of writing down every night 4 things:

• Things I've done today that show my qualities (e.g. I showed perseverance by pestering that HR guy until he agreed to give me an interview),
• Things I've done today that I enjoyed (e.g. I chatted with the barista this morning)
• Things I've done today that I consider to be an achievement (e.g. finally managed to do 10 pull-ups)
• Things I've experienced today that I see as good luck (e.g. that cute girl on the bus smiled at me).

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I try to focus on being positive when I am journaling about my day at night, so I cover these bases. If something negative happened I work on putting a positive spin on it. Even the small wins I write about it.

8/26:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2941
Protein: 127g
Gym: 0/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

8/27:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2870
Protein: 146g
Gym: 1/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/28:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2753
Protein: 138g
Gym: 1/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

8/29:

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2512
Protein: 141
Gym: 2/4
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

Notes:

I registered for a public speaking course which started this week. I need it to fulfill a requirement for some of the nursing programs I am applying to. I could have taken an easier online one but I figured public speaking may actually help with game and having an easier time speaking to women even when nervous. I have to head down to my local community 2 days a week for it.

Also some great news, my Pharmacology class dropped the closed note test rule because so many students were dropping the class. Feel more confident I can ace this class now.

Speaking of which I am trying to ease myself back into doing some approaches, but at the same time trying to push my boundaries of the sets I can do. I saw this one girl at the mall when I my brother was in the changing room. There were a lot of ppl around and this girl's sis also just went into the changing room. So I walked up to her, opened as I normally do, good convo, but when I go for the close her sister comes back and kinda stares me down. I keep composure and still ask for her number but I get turned down because she has a bf. Oh well, thats fine. Second one I approached this chick I saw at TJs. I went to put my groceries in the car and I saw she parked right next to me. I try starting up a conversation, open as usual but she seems weirded out. I think maybe a parking lot approach may have not been a good idea so I kinda back off as she is also sorta doing the same.

Third one was a planned one. There is this girl I have been seeing at the gym a lot, she's kinda cute and I want to talk to her. But I am jostling with the societal norm of "don't hit on girls at the gym". I talked to a few of the guys here about it, they said be more indirect and build comfort before closing. I decided I would try talking to her next time I saw her at the gym. I broke the ice with her by complimenting her earrings, talked a little, and ended the conversation quickly so I can go workout. When I moved over to my next exercise I got a text from my friend that I just hit on his gf. Then I just remembered when we hung out 2 weeks ago he told me his gf's name and she had the exact same name. I felt so embarrassed and apologized. Then he sent me this kinda condescending text which I sent to the gc with a few members here that they read over and tore apart. Ill link it below. I responded to him saying I didn't know and just did what felt natural to me and now that I know she is his gf I won't do anything more. I asserted myself and didn't crumble and suck up to him. And why should I? If anything he seems insecure. If his woman is truly quality she would without hesitation reject me if I went for it. He is acting like there is a chance she might cheat on him with me.

His gf came up to me while I was resting between sets of wrist curls and told me she didn't mean to embarrass me and that she said don't be afraid to hit on other girls, which when I told this to @Foducossy, he said this is actually a really good thing. @loki basically boiled a lot of this down to I did nothing wrong and my friend is just being stupid. Icl this is like some worst case scenario a lot of ppl are afraid of when approaching, some fucking white knight comes in to ruin it. Though tbf this is her bf not just some random. Still, not going to let it stop me from approaching. Sometimes bullshit happens.

I bought a boost on Hinge the other day and by total accident I activated it at 11AM in the morning and basically threw 10$ in the toilet. Meh, could be worse. I fixed some stuff with my profile, and changed my height back to 5ft 11 because 6ft didn't feel right and would probably only work with girls like 5ft 4 and shorter. I am planning to buy HingeX for a week once I get back from my weekend family trip. I have heard a lot of ppl say you basically need it now to get a good amount of matches. I want to see this for myself. What are your guys' experiences with HingeX compared to the free version?

Man good read. Big props for the approaches.

That guy isn’t your friend, fuck these cunts man. I’d actually push back hard “do you think giving people compliments is hittin on then?”. You didn’t make any proposals, this cunt literally is telling you, that you can’t talk to people you want.

I fucked double down and compliment her earrings all the fucking time. Especially if she’s not wearing any.

I never rolled Hinge X. But I did pay for roses. I think my profile was strong enough that most girls who saw it were into it. I’d have an opener included with the rose. Some of the clickbaity ones were

“I just noticed something very interesting about you

I think you might have my biggest weakness

you seem like an X type, I hope I'm not wrong about that“
P sure these are all collected from guys on the forum I can’t take any credit.

Once chat was going. I’d use voice notes, my conversion rate with voice notes is really good.

With all the premium versions on apps. I feel like the whole priority likes is BS, like what does it mean? They don’t tell you if your at the top of queue or top of messages etc.

Don't sweat the approaches, especially the one at the gym. I've approached a handful of times at the gym. I usually leave it for on my way out so it's an easy out if things are not going well. Your friend is being a little over dramatic, don't take it personally.

As for getting the paid version of Hinge, yes it's worth it for sending unlimited likes. Some days I'll send out a mass dump of likes and just let the matches roll in for the next few days. Pretty much every app you need the paid version. Just part of the game.

Kudos for the gym approach, those are hard, and the fact the girl encouraged you afterwards means you did it the right way. And great reply to your 'friend', you stood your ground without being confrontational. You did everything right bro.

Adrizzle said:

Man good read. Big props for the approaches.

That guy isn’t your friend, fuck these cunts man. I’d actually push back hard “do you think giving people compliments is hittin on then?”. You didn’t make any proposals, this cunt literally is telling you, that you can’t talk to people you want.

I fucked double down and compliment her earrings all the fucking time. Especially if she’s not wearing any.

I never rolled Hinge X. But I did pay for roses. I think my profile was strong enough that most girls who saw it were into it. I’d have an opener included with the rose. Some of the clickbaity ones were

“I just noticed something very interesting about you

I think you might have my biggest weakness

you seem like an X type, I hope I'm not wrong about that“
P sure these are all collected from guys on the forum I can’t take any credit.

Once chat was going. I’d use voice notes, my conversion rate with voice notes is really good.

With all the premium versions on apps. I feel like the whole priority likes is BS, like what does it mean? They don’t tell you if your at the top of queue or top of messages etc.

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Another point worth mentioning is that when I talked about it with Loki he said that he spoke to me this way because he sees me as weak. I think my friend thinks that because he knows I see that he has something I don't, a high laycount, and I have sought out his advice on girls before. Also, I see how he interacts with other people and gets them to like him so I feel this need to emulate his behaviors. We hung out at this takeout joint and all the staff there seemed to know and like him. The owner gave him and me free water bottles too.

He picked up on this sort of admiration and might be using it against me. I may see him again soon so I will be more confrontational whilst still being polite. I keep him at kind of a distance, but he has been useful to me because he has been doing some favors for me lately that have been really helpful. Once I start my grad program I will cut him off. I shouldn't take this kind of disrespect

I personally don't use roses unless its a girl I think I can most likely match with and she ONLY shows up in standouts, or I am just horny. Could buy a few though for those "standouts jail" girls though.

Im toggling my text "game" right now, as I feel too heavily like I am playing a character over text, but there is also a lot of valuable info here I can use. My main rule is just to not be boring. I used to use an opener but now I am just trying to point out something about the girl and ask about that. In some cases they ask me something so I just answer.

I should absolutely incorporate voice notes though, didn't know their conversion was so good. I need to work on my voice. Not bad by any means but I have been told its more "calming" which idk if that is masculine, may work for some girls though.

Priority likes I think mean your likes stay at the top, so you don't get buried. I think this could be useful for me because my area's gender ratio is fucked but I think I can still standout.

Bman said:

Don't sweat the approaches, especially the one at the gym. I've approached a handful of times at the gym. I usually leave it for on my way out so it's an easy out if things are not going well. Your friend is being a little over dramatic, don't take it personally.

As for getting the paid version of Hinge, yes it's worth it for sending unlimited likes. Some days I'll send out a mass dump of likes and just let the matches roll in for the next few days. Pretty much every app you need the paid version. Just part of the game.

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That is ideal, but the stars don't always align so I have to adapt. I think his comment came from a place of insecurity but also he sorta sees me as inferior due to the fact I have sought out advice from him and do respect certain things about him.

8 likes on Hinge feels like so little compared to Bumble/Tinder's 25 so this should be a game changer. I tbh have no idea if women are just not seeing my profile or their standards are too high and I am getting left swiped all the time. So the priority likes should help.

TonyV said:

Kudos for the gym approach, those are hard, and the fact the girl encouraged you afterwards means you did it the right way. And great reply to your 'friend', you stood your ground without being confrontational. You did everything right bro.

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Thanks man! I see a lot of cute girls there I want to approach so I really have to tackle my inner game issues to get something out of these. I feel like her encouraging me, along with her thinking I approached right, also could mean she does think I am good looking because I thought if I was ugly she would indirectly or directly tell me to not go up to girls. I could just be delusional but it actually may help with future approaches in easier settings.