Self Confidence day#1

I've started on a path to improve my self image and to build confidence. This is a serious struggle for me. I've always been the "Nice Guy" and that needs to end. However I don't know where to begin, and for what ever reason I just don't trust myself. Any body have any good suggestions for a good way to move forward? cuz this is a huge road block that I've created myself by not sticking to my personal convictions and not setting clear boundaries with anybody.

I am working on the physical aspect of myself with working out on a regular (when I have the energy to spare), and im trying to dress better (I still have a limited selection of clothing).

Any help will greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Jerimey

Welcome to the forums.

Start with reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and this article on how to be a dom.

It probably help for you to detail specifically what mental beliefs you have leading to a lack of self confidence and lack of respect from your wife. There are plenty of general ones that probably apply to you, but it's better to start where you are specifically.

Bman said:

Welcome to the forums.

Start with reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and this article on how to be a dom.

It probably help for you to detail specifically what mental beliefs you have leading to a lack of self confidence and lack of respect from your wife. There are plenty of general ones that probably apply to you, but it's better to start where you are specifically.

Click to expand...

I struggle with accepting that I am good enough physically. Im struggling to see myself as attractive in any form. I also struggle with worrying and overthinking that Im failing in life and that Im failing my wife.

I was actually reading the article you had mentioned on "how to be a Dom" and that honestly helped me realize that I was going about that all wrong to begin with. I also realized that I wont be able to satisfy that desire for my wife (and myself) until I can get to the point that I respect myself. Really its the entire reason that I joined this site. Seeing that Im not the only one in this struggle has been relieving.

Currently Im challenging myself with a 72hour fast. That will be the longest I have ever gone without eating. As well as something I didnt think I could do. I know its not exactly a baby step but Im hoping that it will help me realize that I am in control of my body and life. No one else is.

Moparman84 said:

I've started on a path to improve my self image and to build confidence. This is a serious struggle for me. I've always been the "Nice Guy" and that needs to end. However I don't know where to begin, and for what ever reason I just don't trust myself. Any body have any good suggestions for a good way to move forward? cuz this is a huge road block that I've created myself by not sticking to my personal convictions and not setting clear boundaries with anybody.

I am working on the physical aspect of myself with working out on a regular (when I have the energy to spare), and im trying to dress better (I still have a limited selection of clothing).

Any help will greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Jerimey

Click to expand...

Do you trust yourself to feed and cloth you while making sure you make it to bed and can get up the next day?

Brother_Tucker said:

Do you trust yourself to feed and cloth you while making sure you make it to bed and can get up the next day?

Click to expand...

I trust myself to Feed my self yes, wake up on time yes, put clothing on yes, however I don’t have confidence in my clothing choices.
When I’m at work for 2 weeks I look grungy do the the nature working in the oilfield and when I’m home I dress very basic. Fitted tees and fitted jeans.
I want to dress a little more classy but don’t want to come off like I’m trying too hard. When I take my wife out on dates I do dress up and enjoy the confidence boost when I feel I look good. I’d like that feeling all the time just hard to get past looking fake and struggling to find a good daily style.
For what ever reason I have a bad habit of seeing myself as sub-par which could be a good part of my confidence issue. I also talk down about myself which I’m sure doesn’t help either. These are traits I’m trying to work on.

Well here I am on day #2.
I think I messed up.
So im on night shift and my wife went out with some friends of ours for cocktails. I sent her a text later in the evening asking how the night was going. She didnt reply to the question at all and I did get the text letting me know she made it home ok and told me good night. So in my insecure wisdom before I went to sleep I didnt tell her good morning like i normally would have and just that I was going to sleep. First dumb part because I was frustrated.
After I got to work I mentioned trying to do some exercise to work on our communication and she asked if this was because I was irritated with her for going out last night. I explained that I was irritated before bed because she ignored the question and I accepted that it was a dumb and changing my normal text was a mistake. However that started a fight. In the end of the fight we did the exercise and I found out that she doesnt have much if any hope of our marriage getting better and shes not sure if she even wants to work on it.
Yes I used to be so insecure that if she even left the house for an extended period of time I would start to panic and thing that she was going to go out and cheat on me.
Now Im trying to encourage her to go out and be herself with out having to be mom or wife for a few hours. She is so much more relaxed when she does. However shes worried that Im still the guy in her head that lets his insecurities stop her from having some freedom to just let go of work and family for a while. I trust her not to take that too far and have any form of cheating.

Ok with that out of the way ive gone through some of the parts the the 16 steps to be a Dom. The first one Ive been working on without even knowing it. I used to have the mentality that everyone and everything around me was causing me to be who I was instead of looking at how my actions are effecting those things around me and that it was just being returned. Now Ive been working on this for about a month and a half, which she wouldnt know anything about since my last days off she was in Spain with our youngest for a program related to her Montana ODP soccer team and only saw me for 4 days and I had to leave again. 2 of those days she was so jet lagged that I felt bad just trying to hold a conversation with her. Honestly Im not sure she would have seen much improvement at that point. But that is the current step that Im working on.

Any suggestions on how to prove to my wife that she is allowed to be herself without the fear of me being upset with her?

I did listen to a little of the audio tape for "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and there are definitely some things I never considered. I will definitely continue with that as well. Ive got a 7 hour drive home on Tuesday so plenty of time to listen and think. Ive let too many people walk all over me for way too long.

As far as the fast Im currently almost 30 hours in. This is a struggle to be sure.

Moparman84 said:

I trust myself to Feed my self yes, wake up on time yes, put clothing on yes, however I don’t have confidence in my clothing choices.
When I’m at work for 2 weeks I look grungy do the the nature working in the oilfield and when I’m home I dress very basic. Fitted tees and fitted jeans.
I want to dress a little more classy but don’t want to come off like I’m trying too hard. When I take my wife out on dates I do dress up and enjoy the confidence boost when I feel I look good. I’d like that feeling all the time just hard to get past looking fake and struggling to find a good daily style.
For what ever reason I have a bad habit of seeing myself as sub-par which could be a good part of my confidence issue. I also talk down about myself which I’m sure doesn’t help either. These are traits I’m trying to work on.

Click to expand...

OK, I start here because at the core level, you do actually trust yourself but you are not happy with the outcomes in life that you've had so far. There is a path to fix this but I will forwarn you that things will get worse and more difficult before they can become better. As you improve, either the situation with your wife will get better, or you will get divorced and move onto someone new. The steps for fixing a lot of your issues are not a paint by numbers way of winning your wife back. She will have to choose to come back to you, and you do this by leveling yourself up over time. You will start being attractive and stop being attractive and she will either accept you or get left behind.

Well here I am on day #2.
I think I messed up.
So im on night shift and my wife went out with some friends of ours for cocktails. I sent her a text later in the evening asking how the night was going. She didnt reply to the question at all and I did get the text letting me know she made it home ok and told me good night. So in my insecure wisdom before I went to sleep I didnt tell her good morning like i normally would have and just that I was going to sleep. First dumb part because I was frustrated.
After I got to work I mentioned trying to do some exercise to work on our communication and she asked if this was because I was irritated with her for going out last night. I explained that I was irritated before bed because she ignored the question and I accepted that it was a dumb and changing my normal text was a mistake. However that started a fight. In the end of the fight we did the exercise and I found out that she doesnt have much if any hope of our marriage getting better and shes not sure if she even wants to work on it.
Yes I used to be so insecure that if she even left the house for an extended period of time I would start to panic and thing that she was going to go out and cheat on me.
Now Im trying to encourage her to go out and be herself with out having to be mom or wife for a few hours. She is so much more relaxed when she does. However shes worried that Im still the guy in her head that lets his insecurities stop her from having some freedom to just let go of work and family for a while. I trust her not to take that too far and have any form of cheating.

Any suggestions on how to prove to my wife that she is allowed to be herself without the fear of me being upset with her?

Click to expand...

Yes you screwed up. You've repeatedly opened your mouth and tried to describe your emotions hoping she would just get it if you explained it better. It doesn't work that way. As much as we try to not sound butthurt or unphased by disagreements from our partners, on a small level it will always show unless you are actually unbothered. Until you're a man that your partner is genuinely concerned about losing, how you feel about something has little to no meaning. Building your self confidence will take time, once you get good at it you will be able to have expectations, from those expectations you will have standards and from there you will have authority to navigate your life the way you want to. You can't prove to your wife that you're not bothered when you are.

Let's start with what you have here. Your wife would cheat on you any time she wanted. You would probably never find out. The fear comes from the fact that you would be losing a person to someone else. But if she was willing to cheat on you, have you really lost anything of value? Paradoxically, the way to confront that fear is to not care and be willing to walk away if it happens. Once you have worked on yourself, you will be ok having boundaries and enforcing them if they are crossed. Then if she chooses to cheat on you, you can leave as an attractive man who can find a replacement. The reason you feel fear is partly because you love her, but also because you're worried she's the only person who will ever love you. That might be true today, but it won't be as you keep improving.

Your wife is a reflection of you. If you have been a needy self loathing validation seeking man child, there's a good chance some of those qualities will rub off onto her. As you improve, you will see a glimpse of your own unattractive behavior in her, because you basically trained her to believe this was OK behavior by your standards and you might grow resentment. This is normal, it's part of the growth process.

As I didn't see it on your opening post, what is it you want for your life?

I came to the same conclusion with my wife. It’s very disheartening and kinda hard to accept. I told her that I want to work on myself and on our marriage. I also told her we both have to be willing to try and better our marriage otherwise we are both going to be miserable and that will be the end.

My want for life is to be able to enjoy life without holding myself back

Moparman84 said:

I came to the same conclusion with my wife. It’s very disheartening and kinda hard to accept. I told her that I want to work on myself and on our marriage. I also told her we both have to be willing to try and better our marriage otherwise we are both going to be miserable and that will be the end.

My want for life is to be able to enjoy life without holding myself back

Click to expand...

Here you havent actually told me anything. What does enjoying your life without holding yourself back actually look like? What things would actually make you enjoy getting out of bed in the morning?

You don't work on the marriage, you have to work on yourself. That is indirectly working on the marrige, then she has to choose to stop taking you for granted, or you go and find someone new. There is no winning your wife back, if you start this journey with that as the goal, it will blow up in your face.

You're on the right path, brother. You're just at the beginning of that path. As @Brother_Tucker mentioned, it's going to feel like it gets worse before it gets better. Sort of like how the muscle fibers tear before becoming stronger.

The hard truth about this process is that you need to do these improvements for YOU, not for her.

As you better your life, correcting the areas you're dissatisfied with, and making yourself into a man of more value, she may or may not come around to respecting you. I don't know how long you've all been together, but she essentially has been trained over years, by your own behavior, that you are not a man to be fully respected. So, when you do get yourself in order, it will take a long time for her to see you as this better man.

The reason I say you do this for YOU is that if you decide to split with her at any point, your improvement will have made you into a man that is desired, and can easily find another partner. But more importantly, your life will already be great because your going after what you want in all other areas of your life, that including another woman in that is just icing on the cake.

Keep challenging yourself to make small improvements in what you fear or hold yourself back in. You thought you couldn't fast, now you see you can. You just gained a small confidence point. Do it with other things that scare you. For instance, think its scary to set a boundary? Try it.

Moparman84 said:

So im on night shift and my wife went out with some friends of ours for cocktails. I sent her a text later in the evening asking how the night was going. She didnt reply to the question at all and I did get the text letting me know she made it home ok and told me good night. So in my insecure wisdom before I went to sleep I didnt tell her good morning like i normally would have and just that I was going to sleep. First dumb part because I was frustrated.
After I got to work I mentioned trying to do some exercise to work on our communication

Click to expand...

I struggled with all of this too. Here's the hard truth I had to swallow for myself. My anger, bitterness, and resentment is never an asset in any situation. Even when I am right, even when she is wrong. Even when I'm justified, even when she isn't. Those emotions have never helped me with her or any woman, not even once. Any focus I give to them is a distraction from achieving my goals and enjoying my life. The only time they can be useful is to notify you that you have something you need to communicate to her, or work through yourself. Even when I get sexually frustrated because of pent up demand, there is literally nothing about the emotional sexually frustrated state that is useful for relieving that frustration or anything else.

Being right doesn't matter. Stop caring about who is right. This isn't about who's right, this is about you. This isn't an excuse to be submissive and roll over, and neither is it an excuse to use her as your emotional punching bag.

Moparman84 said:

After I got to work I mentioned trying to do some exercise to work on our communication and she asked if this was because I was irritated with her for going out last night.

Click to expand...

I think these exercises with your wife can be useful, but they need certain conditions.

1. You can't initiate them as a reflex to something going wrong. They're not an outlet for you when your frustration is high. Your frustration was high, and because of that, your desire to participate in this exercise was not motivated by a desire to communicate, but rather your desire to relieve that frustration. That is disingenuous and you both know it.

2. Both of you have to be in a good place when you do these, they can't be done when you're not in a good mood. Because then you are literally practicing a behavior that is toxic formally.

3. She has to be on board with wanting to want things to improve. This gets complicated because by definition it is a two person activity. However, you have to approach it as not relying on her. Your job isn't to convince her or get her to do X/Y/Z. That's not your task. When you want something like this, DONT ASK HER PERMISSION and DONT ASK FOR HER APPROVAL. It's submissive as fuck, but even more importantly, that's not how these things work. You need to say something like this:

"I've noticed that I am communicating poorly and this is something I'd like to work on for myself. I still value our relationship and this marriage, and I still would like to save it and improve it. I want to go through some communication exercises so I can continue to improve, what is a good time for you?"

Notice how none of this is about her. Its about you, what you want to do, and why you want to do it. You communicate your intent, and when you ask for her assistance, it is not a permission or validation seeking question. It is a participation seeking question. It really doesn't even matter if she says yes, you improve yourself simply through being able to communicate this way. This is the communication exercise.

Moparman84 said:

Any suggestions on how to prove to my wife that she is allowed to be herself without the fear of me being upset with her?

Click to expand...

There really isn't anyway to do this quickly. Its only through refusing to be bitter, resentful, and jealous. Even within the confines of your own head. You cannot allow those emotions to be part of you. She will smell them on you. In this more extreme example you have, I would swallow my pride about it also. Next time she comes home, explicitly communicate something to the effect of "I'm happy you went out tonight and were able to be yourself. I'm still struggling with this a bit, but it was much easier today. I know you just want what's best for us while being able to enjoy your life. This is still new to me, and I appreciate you being patient with me as I get over this hangup of mine".

Do that 2-3 times in a row. Its basically impossible for her to not come to your side after this. Further, by saying this unprompted soon after she returns, you minimize that "angsty period" where both of you are walking on egg shells after she returns. Your #1 goal is minimizing the time either of you spend in that toxic state of tension. After you say your peace, joke around with her, give her a back rub or something slightly sensual. Give a slight impression you're trying for sex, then hard pivot. Smile, excuse yourself, and go do your thing. It will break the loop, sexually frustrate her, and the space will create a vacuum that she will naturally move towards you to fill. If she really tries to initiate on you go for it, but in the meantime just keep ramping her up sexually. Kisses, makeouts, foot rubs, back rubs, ass slaps, grab her throat, arms around the waist, hug her from behind, etc. Repeat those throughout the day, but don't escalate any further.

Moparman84 said:

I did listen to a little of the audio tape for "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

Click to expand...

Focus on the part about 'covert contracts'. This is the essence of everything that is wrong with being a nice guy.

Brother_Tucker said:

Here you havent actually told me anything. What does enjoying your life without holding yourself back actually look like? What things would actually make you enjoy getting out of bed in the morning?

You don't work on the marriage, you have to work on yourself. That is indirectly working on the marrige, then she has to choose to stop taking you for granted, or you go and find someone new. There is no winning your wife back, if you start this journey with that as the goal, it will blow up in your face.

Click to expand...

As it sits I already look forward to getting out of bed. Work family and fun are my motivations. What I mean by holding myself back is self doubt and lack of self worth. I have confidence in my job and I have confidence in my knowledge. However my confidence as a man and in personal life is shit. That’s what I’m working on and what I need to work on.

Bman said:

You're on the right path, brother. You're just at the beginning of that path. As @Brother_Tucker mentioned, it's going to feel like it gets worse before it gets better. Sort of like how the muscle fibers tear before becoming stronger.

The hard truth about this process is that you need to do these improvements for YOU, not for her.

As you better your life, correcting the areas you're dissatisfied with, and making yourself into a man of more value, she may or may not come around to respecting you. I don't know how long you've all been together, but she essentially has been trained over years, by your own behavior, that you are not a man to be fully respected. So, when you do get yourself in order, it will take a long time for her to see you as this better man.

The reason I say you do this for YOU is that if you decide to split with her at any point, your improvement will have made you into a man that is desired, and can easily find another partner. But more importantly, your life will already be great because your going after what you want in all other areas of your life, that including another woman in that is just icing on the cake.

Keep challenging yourself to make small improvements in what you fear or hold yourself back in. You thought you couldn't fast, now you see you can. You just gained a small confidence point. Do it with other things that scare you. For instance, think its scary to set a boundary? Try it.

Click to expand...

Yes setting boundary is definitely scary. That was actually going to be something I was going to explore when I go home.

Zug said:

I struggled with all of this too. Here's the hard truth I had to swallow for myself. My anger, bitterness, and resentment is never an asset in any situation. Even when I am right, even when she is wrong. Even when I'm justified, even when she isn't. Those emotions have never helped me with her or any woman, not even once. Any focus I give to them is a distraction from achieving my goals and enjoying my life. The only time they can be useful is to notify you that you have something you need to communicate to her, or work through yourself. Even when I get sexually frustrated because of pent up demand, there is literally nothing about the emotional sexually frustrated state that is useful for relieving that frustration or anything else.

Being right doesn't matter. Stop caring about who is right. This isn't about who's right, this is about you. This isn't an excuse to be submissive and roll over, and neither is it an excuse to use her as your emotional punching bag.



I think these exercises with your wife can be useful, but they need certain conditions.

1. You can't initiate them as a reflex to something going wrong. They're not an outlet for you when your frustration is high. Your frustration was high, and because of that, your desire to participate in this exercise was not motivated by a desire to communicate, but rather your desire to relieve that frustration. That is disingenuous and you both know it.

2. Both of you have to be in a good place when you do these, they can't be done when you're not in a good mood. Because then you are literally practicing a behavior that is toxic formally.

3. She has to be on board with wanting to want things to improve. This gets complicated because by definition it is a two person activity. However, you have to approach it as not relying on her. Your job isn't to convince her or get her to do X/Y/Z. That's not your task. When you want something like this, DONT ASK HER PERMISSION and DONT ASK FOR HER APPROVAL. It's submissive as fuck, but even more importantly, that's not how these things work. You need to say something like this:

"I've noticed that I am communicating poorly and this is something I'd like to work on for myself. I still value our relationship and this marriage, and I still would like to save it and improve it. I want to go through some communication exercises so I can continue to improve, what is a good time for you?"

Notice how none of this is about her. Its about you, what you want to do, and why you want to do it. You communicate your intent, and when you ask for her assistance, it is not a permission or validation seeking question. It is a participation seeking question. It really doesn't even matter if she says yes, you improve yourself simply through being able to communicate this way. This is the communication exercise.



There really isn't anyway to do this quickly. Its only through refusing to be bitter, resentful, and jealous. Even within the confines of your own head. You cannot allow those emotions to be part of you. She will smell them on you. In this more extreme example you have, I would swallow my pride about it also. Next time she comes home, explicitly communicate something to the effect of "I'm happy you went out tonight and were able to be yourself. I'm still struggling with this a bit, but it was much easier today. I know you just want what's best for us while being able to enjoy your life. This is still new to me, and I appreciate you being patient with me as I get over this hangup of mine".

Do that 2-3 times in a row. Its basically impossible for her to not come to your side after this. Further, by saying this unprompted soon after she returns, you minimize that "angsty period" where both of you are walking on egg shells after she returns. Your #1 goal is minimizing the time either of you spend in that toxic state of tension. After you say your peace, joke around with her, give her a back rub or something slightly sensual. Give a slight impression you're trying for sex, then hard pivot. Smile, excuse yourself, and go do your thing. It will break the loop, sexually frustrate her, and the space will create a vacuum that she will naturally move towards you to fill. If she really tries to initiate on you go for it, but in the meantime just keep ramping her up sexually. Kisses, makeouts, foot rubs, back rubs, ass slaps, grab her throat, arms around the waist, hug her from behind, etc. Repeat those throughout the day, but don't escalate any further.



Focus on the part about 'covert contracts'. This is the essence of everything that is wrong with being a nice guy.

Click to expand...

So for the communication part I was coming from a place that was just in that moment and wanting to work on it. I’m definitely going to be practicing making things more of a participation rather than permission. Definitely something I’ve trapped myself in to doing. What’s irritating is I know I don’t need permission but I still submissively ask for it.

I am now doing this for me. I’m trying to challenge myself daily to see where I’m lacking and what my strengths are. I’m absolutely sick of living in fear because of overthinking or worry. I don’t have anything to worry about because the only thing I can control is myself and how I react to things. I’ve been beating that into my own head for a couple of months. Every action good or bad will cause a reaction from my environment. It’s just having the courage to make the action.

Retraining your language/word choices is not easy. You have to constantly pay attention to how you speak internally and externally, then self edit yourself constantly. I think I've been working on changing my submissive wordings to dominant for 2 years now and it's still ongoing. You have to retrain how you think at the most fundamental level. Don't beat yourself up for how long it takes, or for needing to do this.

Zug said:

Retraining your language/word choices is not easy. You have to constantly pay attention to how you speak internally and externally, then self edit yourself constantly. I think I've been working on changing my submissive wordings to dominant for 2 years now and it's still ongoing. You have to retrain how you think at the most fundamental level. Don't beat yourself up for how long it takes, or for needing to do this.

Click to expand...

Copy that. Its also a total mindset change on top of speech patterns. I am not looking for a quick fix and I am going to put in the work. I know I am not the person that I see my self as, I am a lot stronger emotionally, physically and mentally. I am starting to use the thought process of "What do I want or need?" "OK now what steps to I need to take to get it or make it happen?".

Day 3 Update.
Well first off thanks for all the great information. It is difficult to only focus on myself and do what I know needs to be done to make myself the man I know I can be. Like I said above "I know I am not the person that I see my self as, I am a lot stronger emotionally, physically and mentally.". I know it and have known it for years. I am now trying to see why I tried to break that version of me down into little submissive pieces and succeeded. That could be something for a therapist to break down to help make it make sense. I am however focused on moving forward and seeing just how far my determination takes me. I want to be the guy that exudes confidents and know that I could get anyone I want.

72hr fast update.
I have made it to the 52hr mark. One seriously thing to note is the insane mental clarity. Everything that you guys have given me for advice makes complete sense and I can see what needs to change, as well as how to change it. Now whether or not that will stick after the fast is what I am waiting to see or if I just sink back into the submissive mentality. I was able to catch up on all of my college homework ( I was 3 week behind from procrastination and technical issues). Forgot to mention that I am in the last year of getting my Bachelors in Software Engineering.

Moparman84 said:

As it sits I already look forward to getting out of bed. Work family and fun are my motivations. What I mean by holding myself back is self doubt and lack of self worth. I have confidence in my job and I have confidence in my knowledge. However my confidence as a man and in personal life is shit. That’s what I’m working on and what I need to work on.

Click to expand...

Can you give some examples? What about being a "man" has you feeling a lack of confidence in yourself?

What would make you feel more like a "man"?

("Man" in this context is an empty word, you can think of it like a container words where what your going to fill that container with is different from what me or anyone else would. This makes it a terrible measure of success, what you want is to respect yourself, everyone elses lables dont matter).

Brother_Tucker said:

Can you give some examples? What about being a "man" has you feeling a lack of confidence in yourself?

What would make you feel more like a "man"?

("Man" in this context is an empty word, you can think of it like a container words where what your going to fill that container with is different from what me or anyone else would. This makes it a terrible measure of success, what you want is to respect yourself, everyone elses lables dont matter).

Click to expand...

Self respect, successful, comfortable in my own skin. Basically I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and actually love who I see. I want to be the “man” that I envision. It’s not a construct that is as easy as a few words. I doubt I could explain it in a way that will make sense to anyone but myself.

Currently I’m working on all of that a little at a time. I make damn good money so that’s not a concern. I am very intelligent. I know I am good in bed. Physically I am attractive. However there is something missing that I haven’t quite figured out in order to respect myself.

OK, Read the following books in order: -

1. No More Mr. Nice Guy - Dr Robert Glover

2. When I say no I feel Guilty - Manuel J. Smith

3. Praxeology, Volume 1: Frame: On self actualization for the modern man - Rian Stone

4. Praxeology: Volume 2: Dread; or how to navigate and successfully thrive when you're in a failing relationship - - Rian Stone

You will only get the last 2 if you read the first 2, as those books lay the key groundwork for understanding the last 2. All of them are on Audible, so you can get through them when driving. Keep us posted on your progress and let me know which parts of those books resonate with you and help you figure out how to answer that question.