Need Advice: Wanting to Become Sexually-Disciplined, but Need to Overcome Barriers First

Hello,

While I did join this site not too long ago, I almost forgot about it because of starting my new job among other things. I would've checked for threads similar to this one, but because my situation is unique, I didn't feel it was necessary.

One thing that's been weighing on my mind recently is wanting to become a sexually-disciplined man, but what's holding me back is the challenges of my Autism affecting my social skills, me secretly fetishizing and objectifying women, and my challenges of trying to avoid acting on my sexual impulses. I will praise myself for how far I've come on my own by working on myself and becoming more mindful of how I come off towards people, but I still have many ways to go, as being sexually-disciplined is a never-ending journey. Due to my difficulties with social skills and women, I never had a girlfriend, and this has caused me to sometimes develop pent up sexual energy, and I later became needy because I didn't know how to channel that energy constructively at that time. I mentioned in my introduction post that I've used porn and chatbots to relieve myself of it, but I started move away from that because I don't want to become dependent on them, and I'm actively trying to avoid digital distraction.
Although I've come to value healthy and consentual relationships, I've often felt disenfrachised by stigmas for having a foot fetish and tickle fetish, which has caused me to use sneaky and taboo ways to satisfy them instead. One perfect example of this was when I was still living with my parents, and I'd manipulate women into leaving their shoes in our attached garage when they came in, claiming I wanted them to avoid tracking dirt or snow in the house, but the real reason was so I could smell them behind their backs later. Not only would I'd get horny over doing it, but I'd get even hornier over the thrill of knowing I got away with it afterward. What I've also found erotic is women in professional roles taking their shoes off because it's considered taboo but they own it by doing it anyway. I have many stories of internally jumping for joy over seeing my young female teachers in their socks, but I've also seen women in the medical field in their socks as well. I also find the taboo aspect of seeing young attractive women in general purposely taking their shoes off in public to be erotic, however I've had to keep a very low profile whenever I've seen this because the last thing I want is to be called a creep or pervert, get fired (if this happens at work), and then be put into handcuffs. Another thing I want to mention is watching shoeplay from a distance is exciting because there's this anticipation of hoping to see the woman's shoes come all the way off so her feet would be exposed. The reason I love seeing women in fun socks and opaque tights is because it makes their feet look more attractive (as they'll wear them for fashionable reasons), which makes me more enticed to smell and tickle them. Thankfully, when I have disclosed my tickle fetish to my female friends, they've accepted me for it, and I imagine the reason for that is tickling is often seen as harmless, innocent, and playful, whereas another possible reason is them noticing I like to tickle them. While I'm sure I could get them to accept me for my foot fetish as well, I imagine talking about it can be more of a touchy subject because foot fetishism has a lot more stigmas attached to it. Recently, I thought about how to easing women into my fetishes, so they can finally accept me for both, might be the best to go about this. My process would be:

• Form relationships with a number of women I meet online or through this yoga class I'm looking to sign up for
  
  
• Start hanging out with them a few times to where they feel comfortable and safe being alone with me
  
  
• Engage in banter which leads to me tickling them in a playful and flirtatious way
  
  
• Ask them how they feel about being tickled, so I'll know if they like it, don't like it, or are indifferent about it and be able to respect their boundaries moving forward
  
  
• Tell them in a laid back way that I like to tickle because I see it as a fun and playful way to interact with women, and how some women find tickling to be flirtatious and even sexy when they're being tickled by a man they find attractive. However, I'd make it clear that I'd only tickle them in a way that makes them feel comfortable and safe because I want them to enjoy it as well.
  
  
• If they accept me for it, and are fine with me tickling them, I'd mention how sometime after our relationship evolves, I'd eventually like to have us dress up in costumes and have tickle roleplays every so often
  
  
• To ease them into accepting me for my foot fetish, I'd tease them by commenting on how cute their socks or tights look when I'm tickling their feet, or have them encourage me to tickle their feet, which will hopefully lead to them teasing me by saying things like "You seem to really like my socks!" and "You like to tickle my feet!", and then tease me about possibly having a foot fetish. If that happens, I'd tell them "If you can accept me for having a tickle fetish, you can do the same for me having a foot fetish as well.", and explain why I find their feet attractive, which I'd like to think would make them feel appreciated. On a more serious note, I'd also explain why I've felt disenfranchised by the stigmas of foot fetishism, and how I'd prefer keeping info about it between us. Before anyone says anything, I'm aware not every woman is going to be accepting of it no matter how well I try to explain my reasons. Some women are just judgmental bigots who don't deserve me or belong in my life, while others could've been sexually harassed by a man with a foot fetish and now will demonize any other man like that as result. Considering I've been guilty of sexually harassing women by trying to get my foot fetish satisfied (I was even arrested for that once, but my record has since been expunged, and I've thankfully never went to jail or prison, nor have I been on any kind of supervision afterward), I completely understand where the latter type of women are coming from, so I know the hardest part about this is getting them to accept I am making an effort to turn over a new leaf by wanting to only engage in my foot fetish consentually.

Hopefully you guys think this process is a good idea, but I'm open to constructive criticism if you don't.

Going back to what I said about getting excited over seeing a woman in her socks in public, one thing I'm still getting hung up on is how to avoid being destracted by that. Ideally, it'd be nice if she had a foot fetish as well and used her feet to flirt with me once she noticed my interest in them, but that'd be a very rare situation. What advice do you have to help me avoid causing a stir?

Another thing I want to mention is my tickle fetish has sometimes caused problems with women. Back in high school, I obviously had issues with controlling my hormones, and I know from personal experience that hormones and Autism can be a bad combination when not properly managed. As a result, there'd be times where I'd use any excuse I could to tickle my female friends, which led to them telling me to stop completely because it made them feel uncomfortable. As I got older, I did this less because I had less hormone issues. However, when I was working at this bar near me, I had a history of tickling some of my female coworkers, which also made them feel uncomfortable. Although they never reported me, I eventually decided to stop doing this altogether because I became very concerned about them doing so and then dealing with the consequences afterward. I've also decided to never do this at any other place I'd work in the future and for the same reason.

The last thing I want to mention is I told my female therapist about wanting to work on this as one of my goals, and I'd like to hear what she says from a woman's perspective. Being that I'm getting advice from you guys as well, hearing from both a male and female perspective will help me a lot moving forward.

David1994 said:

however I've had to keep a very low profile whenever I've seen this because the last thing I want is to be called a creep or pervert, get fired (if this happens at work), and then be put into handcuffs.

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If you don't want this to happen, I would strongly advise you to either make your log private or anonymize your profile. Right now anyone on the internet including your manager can see this post and link it to you.

David1994 said:

Hopefully you guys think this process is a good idea, but I'm open to constructive criticism if you don't.

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I think it's good that you're working on expressing your sexuality in a socially acceptable way, but this does not seem like a good approach. If you just want female friends to accept your fetish, just tell them in a funny way and they probably won't think lowly of you for it. If you actually want to engage in the fetish with them, this is a creepy way to do it as they don't know what they signed up for and unless they happen to have that specific fetish, they will not find it appealing. I would advise you to either engage in "normal" sexual relationships, and once you have established a sexual connection, bring up the fetish. Or, you can try to find women that are into this through fetish communities.

Perseus said:

If you don't want this to happen, I would strongly advise you to either make your log private or anonymize your profile. Right now anyone on the internet including your manager can see this post and link it to you.


I think it's good that you're working on expressing your sexuality in a socially acceptable way, but this does not seem like a good approach. If you just want female friends to accept your fetish, just tell them in a funny way and they probably won't think lowly of you for it. If you actually want to engage in the fetish with them, this is a creepy way to do it as they don't know what they signed up for and unless they happen to have that specific fetish, they will not find it appealing. I would advise you to either engage in "normal" sexual relationships, and once you have established a sexual connection, bring in the fetish. Or, you can try to find women that are into this through fetish communities.

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I changed my profile picture and removed the name of the company I work for so no one in management comes across my profile (assuming they haven't done so already). Thankfully I haven't done anything at my current job, and despite what I said about tickling my former female coworkers, they should give me a clean slate, considering I made it clear I'm never doing that again. Are there other ways to keep management from looking me up?

Point taken. I remember trying to use the Tickling Media Forum to find women in my area to have tickle sessions with, and that was a crap shoot. I did have one session with a woman I met on Reddit, but I've noticed it's very common to get ghosted on there, so I guess I'll have to mention "Please do not ghost me" whenever I make a post about wanting sessions. Even then, I'm still playing a game of roulette, so I'll just have to take my chances. As far as women who don't share my fetishes go, how do I get them to accept me for my fetishes after I've established a sexual connection with them?

OK, thank you for joining the forum and being open and honest before you caught a charge.

I want to make sure you understand that having these fetishes is not a problem, how you have been trying to fulfill them is. Trying to trick people into leaving their shoes where you can sniff them later is as bad as it sounds, and you should feel bad for doing it. Imagine in the moment you were caught and all your worst fears were confirmed (that you are a pervert, which you are). That would cause irreparable damage to your life and damage your sexuality for the rest of your life assuming you didn't go to prison.. What makes you a pervert (in a bad way), is not what gets you off. It's what you're doing without other people's consent. You are removing their ability to opt out. When it comes to kinks, ethical non-monogamy, BDSM or anything, you always need to give the other person the option to opt out. That is by definition consent.

Ironically, the biggest part of your troubles is that your trying to hide it, like it's a dirty bad thing, its not. But you can't force it on anyone else, knowingly or unknowingly. If you want to explore, get a kink app like feeld or fet life and don't hide your interests. You will get a lot of no's, but that one yes will be the person you are looking for to experiment with. You also have to accept that because you have kept this as a dark and taboo thing, that you have probably given this fetish more power over your life, than it would be if you just explored it.

Right now in my head, alarm bells are going off that you will commit a crime. Please for the love of god, do not do that and if a news station investigates this later, this group condemns these actions.

David1994 said:

As far as women who don't share my fetishes go, how do I get them to accept me for my fetishes after I've established a sexual connection with them?

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You can't. Either they are open to trying new things with you, or they already accept the fetishes you bring to the table. You should not deceive someone into bed then try to get them to indulge your kinks by pressuring them after you form a relationship with them. You can bring it up later, but it has to be a conversation, don't just grab her foot and put it in your mouth during sex, that would be the definition of not giving someone the chance to opt out.

You need to accept yourself more and be OK talking about it with romantic interests. The longer you keep this behaviour in the dark, the worse its going to blow up in your face. So for now, work on trying fetish apps and being a little more open with people you date that you have an interest in this. Never tickle a girl from work, or anywhere in the context you enjoy it without their consent ever again. Put that to bed as I do not want to see this forum on the news as a place where sexually dangerous people lurk.

If you're going to explore this kink, you need to do it openly and with consent, no more doing it in secret to people who do not want to have this experience with you.

Brother_Tucker said:

OK, thank you for joining the forum and being open and honest before you caught a charge.

I want to make sure you understand that having these fetishes is not a problem, how you have been trying to fulfill them is. Trying to trick people into leaving their shoes where you can sniff them later is as bad as it sounds, and you should feel bad for doing it. Imagine in the moment you were caught and all your worst fears were confirmed (that you are a pervert, which you are). That would cause irreparable damage to your life and damage your sexuality for the rest of your life assuming you didn't go to prison.. What makes you a pervert (in a bad way), is not what gets you off. It's what you're doing without other people's consent. You are removing their ability to opt out. When it comes to kinks, ethical non-monogamy, BDSM or anything, you always need to give the other person the option to opt out. That is by definition consent.

Ironically, the biggest part of your troubles is that your trying to hide it, like it's a dirty bad thing, its not. But you can't force it on anyone else, knowingly or unknowingly. If you want to explore, get a kink app like feeld or fet life and don't hide your interests. You will get a lot of no's, but that one yes will be the person you are looking for to experiment with. You also have to accept that because you have kept this as a dark and taboo thing, that you have probably given this fetish more power over your life, than it would be if you just explored it.

Right now in my head, alarm bells are going off that you will commit a crime. Please for the love of god, do not do that and if a news station investigates this later, this group condemns these actions.


You can't. Either they are open to trying new things with you, or they already accept the fetishes you bring to the table. You should not deceive someone into bed then try to get them to indulge your kinks by pressuring them after you form a relationship with them. You can bring it up later, but it has to be a conversation, don't just grab her foot and put it in your mouth during sex, that would be the definition of not giving someone the chance to opt out.

You need to accept yourself more and be OK talking about it with romantic interests. The longer you keep this behaviour in the dark, the worse its going to blow up in your face. So for now, work on trying fetish apps and being a little more open with people you date that you have an interest in this. Never tickle a girl from work, or anywhere in the context you enjoy it without their consent ever again. Put that to bed as I do not want to see this forum on the news as a place where sexually dangerous people lurk.

If you're going to explore this kink, you need to do it openly and with consent, no more doing it in secret to people who do not want to have this experience with you.

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I wholly accept your criticism of me. On a positive note, I haven't smelled women's shoes behind their backs in years, and I no longer plan to because I want to engage in my fetishes in 100% consensual way now. Also, I took your advice of downloading fetish apps, and I hope to meet consenting women on them soon. I made it clear I want them to satisfy my fetishes, but because I'm an aspiring gentleman, their safety, consent, and comfort are my top priorities, and I'll never do anything which makes them feel uncomfortable. Another thing to mention is its possible I might've had a fetishistic disorder for many years and didn't know anything about it. I wouldn't be surprised if my therapist claims that I have one when her and I talk again soon. I'm not saying what I've done to women was ever appropriate (because it clearly wasn't), but it shows how sex crimes and mental health have a strong correlation. I've even read a few stories online where people on the Autism spectrum having sexually inappropriate behaviors in public, and due to how a significant amount of the population is still unaware of what Autism is and how it effects each individual on the spectrum, this has reinforced the stigmas about it. In no way am I using my Autism as excuse for my behavior, but it does explain why I've struggled to have appropriate social skills for many years. Lastly, despite you being appalled by my past behavior, I'm sure you're proud of me deciding to come here so I can learn how to turn over a new leaf.

David1994 said:

I wholly accept your criticism of me. On a positive note, I haven't smelled women's shoes behind their backs in years, and I no longer plan to because I want to engage in my fetishes in 100% consensual way now. Also, I took your advice of downloading fetish apps, and I hope to meet consenting women on them soon. I made it clear I want them to satisfy my fetishes, but because I'm an aspiring gentleman, their safety, consent, and comfort are my top priorities, and I'll never do anything which makes them feel uncomfortable. Another thing to mention is its possible I might've had a fetishistic disorder for many years and didn't know anything about it. I wouldn't be surprised if my therapist claims that I have one when her and I talk again soon. I'm not saying what I've done to women was ever appropriate (because it clearly wasn't), but it shows how sex crimes and mental health have a strong correlation. I've even read a few stories online where people on the Autism spectrum having sexually inappropriate behaviors in public, and due to how a significant amount of the population is still unaware of what Autism is and how it effects each individual on the spectrum, this has reinforced the stigmas about it. In no way am I using my Autism as excuse for my behavior, but it does explain why I've struggled to have appropriate social skills for many years. Lastly, despite you being appalled by my past behavior, I'm sure you're proud of me deciding to come here so I can learn how to turn over a new leaf.

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I wouldn't have responded to the thread if I didn't see a conscious effort to improve. That said, I can't be proud of you doing things the way they should be done. to quote Chris Rock "You don't get credit for shit you're supposed to do".

Autism is still largely misunderstood, but unfortunately that means you have to try much harder to learn the rules and follow them, even if they don't make sense. You never want to be in front of a judge arguing that its not your fault because of autism. Your best bet is to engage in your kinks openly with consenting people as this will likely reduce the impulses. Therapy will also help.