Been on this forum for a few months now but have been in bush camps without many opportunities to approach. I want to get myself to a point where I can approach a random girl I find attractive and approach her in a direct way. Been putting this off but finally did my first today. I want to get 365 direct approaches done this year which equates to 1 a day but I may do more than 1 on one day in case I miss a day. My reasoning is this isn`t my highest priority (which you can see my bio).
Anyways will get to it.
Was walking to the local cafe and had many opportunities but got nervous. This time though I just tried to just focus with my nerves and let them wash over me as opposed to distracting myself with phone or some shit it was a weird sensation.
I arrived at the cafe and complimented the barista on her style and said she looked like the logo on the starbucks cup. felt kind of awkward but laughed my way through it and it felt like a good warm up.
Then I saw a blonde chick nearby and went up to her
Me: "Hey, I don`t know, you but I want to know you" kind of tripped over my words a bit I saw some people nearby watching me
Her: "Ohh you don`t want to know me" She seemed nervous/shy
Me: "Is that so?"
Her: "Yea"
Me: "Whats that your drinking?"
Her: "Pumpkin spice latte"
Me: "Ah well in that case I don`t want to know you" I said this with a grin. Hopefully it seemed I was joking
We both a laughed a bit awkwardly for a bit and then I sad something like "it was nice to meet you" and left.
Awkward conversation I could tell in my own voice that I was a nervous but I`m glad I did the approach and finally started doing this..
So I let 2 days slide so I need to hold myself a bit more accountable. Will need to approach +2 more girls on day to stay on track for 1 a day. Its very easy to cope out and just not do it.
But I did today!
Saw a real cutie when I was at the cafe with a few friends of mine. Saw her sitting a few tables down where she was plugged in and studying with her friend we briefly made eye contact a couple times. tbh I thought she was out of my league. Not that I have low standards of myself but I had never been with a girl this hot so my expectations where low. I almost didn`t do it but I decided to "allow myself to suck". After my friends left and I was on my way out I went up to her and she almost jump out of her chair when I tried to get her attention cause her headphones where in and she didn`t see me coming when I came up beside her and tapped on the table (WIll have to keep that in mind for next time). I told her I saw her from accross the room and said I thought she was attractive so I came up to say hello. She said she was going through a lecture and it was really boring so I guess my timing was good despite the suprose. I could hear the nervousness in my voice but surprisingly enough I got a number! So we will see how that goes. This was encouraging though I know they won't all be like this but it is motivating for sure.
Ok, I'm finding resistance and AA manifesting itself as apathy. I feel like I have more important things I can be doing when it reality approaches don't take long. Ive missed basically 5 days since i started so I need to catch back up.
I went through Andy's short on motivation to approach and I'm going through the exercise of writing out 30 reasons how approaching women will ADD to my life:
1) I`ll do something that 90% of men do not do
2) I get to meet with cool interesting women
3) I get to choose who I want to be with in my life, rather than it being dumb luck
4) I can got after I want when I see it
5) I don't just stare, I approach
6) I can seize opportunities when they are there rather than letting them pass me by
7) I can brighten someones day
8) It's a great way to socialize and meet new people
9) I will be raising my standards
10) I`ll be able to overcome my fears
11) I`ll be able to handle rejection easier
12) I won't need to rely and dating apps to get laid
13) I`ll be able to seize the moment when it's there
14) I`ll become outcome independent.
15) I`ll be getting my reps in
16) I`ll be working to become the man I`ve wanted to be
17) I`ll build myself up to hook up with hotter women overtime
18) I`ll be able to meet many more different women of different backgrounds
19) I`ll gain more confidence to hit on girls in my social circle
20) I`ll become more social in general
21) It will help me network
22) I`ll be more unapologetically myself
23) I`ll be more equanimous to the result
24) I`ll be more focus on the journey
25)I`ll be more present
26) It will ultimately lead to more sex
27) It will unltimately lead to better sex
28) I`ll have 1 less regret when I`m old impotent greying and crippled
29) I`ll be that much closer to my 365 day goal
30) I`ll be 1% better
31) I`ll tick that box for the day
Now I`m going to record that and play it back to myself today and then go back and get caught up today.
so after i wrote the above post i went out again. It was a Sunday and it seemed to be just families and couple. After about 20 or so minutes of walking around the mall and outside I saw a girl sitting at a table near a book store and I so I opened with the standard 'Hey I thought you were cute and wanted to say hello... etc'' Little did I know her mum and dad where not to far away though I hadn't thought they were a group. Basically he asked what was going on so I said I thought she was cute and wanted to say hello he followed up by asking what I do and we had a quick chat about my career goals while the whole family stared at me it was awkward but we both stuck it out until he said 'nice to meet you goodbye'' I was more than happy to leave that set.
A few minutes later a chick walked out of a bar and recognized me from a tinder date we had almost a year ago where she came to my apartment but got up and left within 10mins of the date with no explanation. She wanted to apologize and we ended up connecting a bit more but that is another story.
Damn 2 days went by and I didn't do any approaches. Kind of disappointed. Fortunately I met up with a buddy today who was interested in doing the same thing though he has more AA than I do. Did 1 approach with a neutral reaction but I still did it so that counts for something. Will start recording my approaches now
Didn`t do approaches again. Mood was off and my attention was elsewhere. There are many days where I just develop an apathy towards all of this. When I approach I assume I will be rejected and if I get a number I assume I she won`t respond. I know this is objectively not true but I can't shake the feeling in the moment. I know I need to focus on the process alot more but it's tough sometimes. I feel my apathy coming through when I`m talking to these girl on the street I feel less engaged and interested. The paradox is that I have had a decent amount of success with the apps but am hitting a slump in that area and am feeling like I`m getting desperate with the girls I`m interacting with on there. It`s a weird juxtaposition. Also since I`m not working I`m having trouble sticking to a regular schedule of coding, jiu-jitsu, language learning and approaches. Will need to work on my morning routines because when it comes to my I think that is where can make the biggest improvements.
Got my buddy to come out with me and asked him to point out girls for me to approach. He did and I approach her and it was pretty awkward but I got it done. Approached another but she was rushing to work and another who I had a good conversation and banter with but had a boyfriend. Going into fall there are less girls around so we find ourselves walking around with no one to approach.
Next steps: My interactions are mostly normal but now that I am pushing myself to just approach but it would be good to have some go to's to say next.
A pattern I`m seeing is after I tell her she is cute there is a few seconds for her waiting for me to say something next and depending on what i say really affects the overall mood. I try situational questions but sometimes i just blank and pretty soon into the conversation I will ask for the number if I don`t know what to say next as per Andy's suggestion it's also what I do when I feel like I want to eject from the conversation cause I`m feeling awkward
Have been hesitant to post on here cause I`ve really fallen off this goal for a bunch of reasons. First and foremost part of me thinks these are all excuses below but I`m putting it up nonetheless so that I`m still keeping this log going. Here are some of my reasons:
1) My main goal right now my self-taught coding journey and getting some income with it pronto! I`ve been at this for 3 years now and I really don`t want to go back and to my old job again. One of the things that I guy said who was further ahead in this journey then I said was that his coding skill improvement had an inverse relationship with his social skills and I`ve found this to be the case... unless I make a conscious effort for it not to. I find myself thinking about code and my career feel sometime feel getting better with women takes me off that focus.
2) The weather has been absolute shit here on the westcoast. Just rain and grey and the seasonal depression seems to be getting to me. I shouldn`t let the weather choose my mood for me but weeks on end its hard for it not to.
3) I went on a video game bender. Maybe it was the lack of success direction or isolation but I want some sort of escape. these last few years I`ve barely played video games but I was really big into them as a kid. I've picked them up from time to time when I`m just bored with day to day life but I`ve realized I can`t do it in moderation. This one game I started on at 10pm and played the entire night and into the morning. I did it 2 more nights after that. I realized this fucked and I uninstalled the game.
4) I guess I`m apathetic. What goes through my mind alot of the time is just me going through the motions. I go in with the expectation that she won`t be interested because that is the likely scenario. I know this is outcome dependence and it irritates me that I`m letting it get to me even though I logically know that it doesn't matter. I`ve had a decent amount of success in the past but this last month has been a dry spell (aside from a pretty unattractive chick at an orgy which a whole different story). My ego seems to be pretty attached to my past success so I`m trying to work on that but this apathy is a new thing. It used to be nerves & rationalizations but lately its been apathy.
What I have been doing about it
Since getting work in web dev is my number one priority right now I have go make sure the majority of my time is spent building skills, network and building opportunities for this reason with the rest of my I`m focusing on things that keep my physically, psychologically and emotionally in regulated. A few of them are...
1) Meditating twice a day. 30mins in the morning and 30mins at night. At night is difficult sometimes because I have trouble falling asleep if meditate before bed but at least it keeps me away from the blue light before bed.
2) Jui-jitsu 3 - 4 times a week and weights twice week. BJJ class are one of the only set times on my calendar because I have the rest of time is fully flexible because I don't have a job atm. I`ve realize when I`m not active at least once a day my shit habits immediately return and become harder to control very quickly. For this reason I`m doubling down getting better a BJJ by showing up regularly. I`m a white belt so I get tapped ALL of the time which doesn`t bother me at all. I just love the coming and getting better at the craft. I`m trying to transfer this mindset to approaching women but it hasn`t clicked yet (see #4). I do a bit a of strength training to help with my rolls but honestly weights are boring so I have trouble dragging myself out twice a week sometimes.
3) Been limiting my nights out to once a week. I consider myself an extrovert with social anxiety. I get energized when I`m hanging around people but there are also many nights out that just feel meh. Because I can`t make a connection with the people there. Not to mention all the extra cost and fucked up sleep schedule. I`m also trying to change my social circle a bit to spend more time with people who are into fitness able to go out and rave sober and not need to be on drugs or booze all the time (which has been a lot of my crowd before). I still need a night social outlet but it needs to be more within reason so I`m not blowing cash on nights out multiple times a week at a party where I`m not really feeling it the crowd. This is part of the reason why I wanted to focus on day game so I don`t want to rely on picking up chicks who might be fucked up. I think limiting nights out to Saturday night is manageable.
For example, I had a pretty good night out tonight with this new crowd and that inspired me to get back on this log this is my one late night but writing this out has been well worth it and I`ll try to do more. Honestly looking at some of your guys logs have been motivating To read early logs of a guy who 1000+ approaches is cool to see. Honestly I may have felt some shame for posting while not moving forward in my approach goal but fuck it I`m still here and will try to be more active with this log.
6/365 direct approaches (still)
** Two podcasts that have helped me get on track.
1) Healthy gamer: Great resource for understanding the psychology and ways to combat different addictions in technology
2) Jocko Willink: Always my go to when I need to get more disciplined and back on track.
Getting back at this and kind of feel ashamed of stopping. Alot has happened, went to Thailand for 3 months to do a coding bootcamp, had a lot of sex while I was there. Have fapped to porn (or at all since I got back in late April). Started a new job as a rickshaw/pedicab driver in my city. Still haven't found a tech job yet and have given up on looking for work cause the job market is such shit right now and the end goal of getting better at code was to start a location independent business at some point. So I'm feeling like I should try and focus on that. My roommate try to hang himself he left a note in my room along with all the money I was supposed to distribute to his friends and family. That's fucked with my head a bit. Now it's summer and there are cute girls walking all around my town and I feel the desire to do approaches but feel resistance again which is what is bugging me now since I said I would get this handled and now I only have 2.5 months left in my 365 goal and haven't done any approaches yet.
I'll try to remember to edit this and collect my thoughts. Part of the challenge of me writing on where here is the balance of getting my thoughts out while also making it readable so I can better get support from the community.
Definetly fell off these last few months but did my first cold approach and it went way better than I expected. She was initimatingly sexy and turned out to be super cool. It was at a beer garden near my place and I went up and said she was cute and said hello and she seemed cool with it and then invited her to go into the beer garden and having a drink. She said this doesn't happen often and she is trying to say yes to more things. She was also taller than me so it was a more initimating approach to me but I am just trying to do approaches when the woman turn me on. After vibing and having a chat (too platonic maybe an hour) I asked for her number she said that we probably don't have a romantic connect. She was cool and I was suprised that it went as well as it did. I putting it here to celebrate that I did it. I'm trying not to think what I did was right or but rather that I just did it.
So that was good.
7/365 direct approaches
3sh months since jerking off to porn
I tried to get back into the approaching again. Was having internet troubles with my work and I had recently relapsed on porn a few days back. I got anxious and looked and a few sites, but resisted the urge to fap. I felt the effect it had on my body this overwhelming feeling of wanting to fuck. I started doing dishes to get my mind off it and listened Andy's most recent video about approach anxiety and felt like I needed to get out and do some approaches.
When I went out
It was about 4pm I saw a super sexy petite girl with a body suit walking along with a yoga matt and being headphones. The headphones psyched me out and I felt like I would be interrupting her so I let it pass. From there I committed to just "staying on the frontlines" and thinking about approaching and being present and meditiating on the sensations and thoughts that where coming up in my body. I committed to staying out for 1 hr and the longer I walked around the less I wanted to approach and the stronger the anxious sensations came up and I still feel them as I type this (I think partly because it is me keep trying to keep myself accountable). I was curious to try and brings up the doubts that came to me at the time. I think I will try to do this exercise again and try and get to the "fuck it" moment. In all I feel disappointed in myself about how this is still something I havent gotten sorted yet. In an effort to make the last hour a productive use of my time I'm going to write these excuses and doubts hold me back so I'm going try and list them and next time I do this I will try and write them down as I come up.
- She has headphones and I will interrupt her.
- They are with friends and they will laugh at me
- I wont get anything out of talking to this person
- The success rate is so low on these that I need to do +100 approaches that I struggle to do even one
- She will want a relationship
- I am pathetic for even trying this
- I'm going to look like a creep
- This weather is shit
- Should be doing something else this is a waste of time.
- If I don't give a fuck about the outcome why should I even care about the result
I write this here to try and help me remind myself that these are actually just excuses and despite the fact that my brain logically knows that is all they are my primal body still seems to still be convinced that it is true.
I need to work on reframing this in my head and I'm starting with telling myself that staying in the frontlines for 1 hr was a productive use of my time moving me towards my goal. I will try and do this again tomorrow
