bld's log

[bld]

I aim to update this log once every Sunday with a succint summary of:
* the actions I took to achieve my goals
* things which hindered me from achieving my goals
* what I will do next week to achieve my goals

Any comments or feedback are more than welcome.

I posted my goals and a short about me in my introductory post:

About me:
* I'm a 25 year old software developer based in the UK
* I've been committed to self improvement since a terrifying LSD trip 5 years ago
* Over the past 5 years I have overcome many addictions, insecurities and fears
* Now I am looking to take it to the next level

My goals:
* Have an abundance of sexual opportunities—Over the past few months I have been building my OLD profiles. I currently do not get many matches but I can see where I can improve and I am confident I know how to do it. My other goals support the fulfilment of this goal.
* Run a marathon—I ran a half-marathon last weekend and I'm targetting a full marathon next year. I'm going to focus primarily on weightlifting over the winter period, while maintinaing my current level of cardiovascular endurance, and then train for a full marathon next summer.
* Build a top 1% physique—a couple of days ago I returned to the gym for the first time since it was closed due to covid lockdowns in March 2020. I've also started doing OMAD.
* Establish myself in my field—I want to master my specific software development niche. I'm writing a tutorial series, undertaking courses on the e-learning site Pluralsight and building a portfolio of projects.
* Build a network of high quality people—Over the past year I have been very isolated and I've mostly interacted with people on anoymous message boards. I'd like to interact with higher quality people. I've joined this forum, signed up for an event on Meetup.com and I've also started budgeting one day per week where I go out specifically to socialise (or at least be in public).

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05-12 September 2021
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I created accounts for Tinder and Bumble. I signed up for Tinder Gold. I used the pictures I have taken of myself over the past 3 months to create these accounts and closely followed Andy's Tinder guide.
* I created a workout plan which incorporates weightlifting three times per week and running twice per week. I created a new schedule which incorporates this workout plan and also my other commitments.
* I invested time improving my understanding of photography. I developed a basic understanding of the exposure triangle. I now know how to use most of the functions on my camera.
* I overcame my fear of rollercoasters by going to a theme park and riding all of the biggest rollercoasters.
* I bought a day pass at a local gym to evaluate its suitability for my workout plan.
* I signed up for this forum. I also signed up for a group walk next Saturday.
* I started to adapt the OMAD diet. I ate significantly fewer calories than in previous weeks and spent most of the week hungry. I invested in a set of weighing scales so that I can begin to track my weight over time.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* I was strained financially. I needed a new pair of running shoes but I was hesitant to buy them because I did not want to eat too far into my savings.
* I did not take opportunities to talk to women when they arose, particularly at the theme park.
* I did not get any worthwhile matches on Tinder or Bumble.

What I want to do next week to achieve my goals:
* Test the new workout plan and, at the end of the week, evaluate it: Was I able to wake up on time every day and complete the workouts? Did I have enough time to eat and shower before starting work? Was I able to do 1 hour of coding practice in the evening? Was the gym quiet enough for me to execute my workout routine? Was the amount of food I bought sufficient? Was I able to stick to OMAD? Do I need to shuffle the days around to fit with "one-day-a-week" office working?
* Continue to swipe on Tinder and Bumble. If possible, set up a date for next Saturday evening.
* Continue to invest 1 hour per day on coding practice.
* Continue to develop better photography skills.
* Consider asking for feedback on my Tinder profile on this forum.
* Attend the group walk on Saturday.

 

[bld]

Last week I said I would evaluate my gym progress after my first week of weight training since March 2019. Here is the evaluation:

Was I able to wake up on time every day and complete the workouts?

I woke up at 5:00 on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. On each of these days I completed a workout in the morning as planned. On Sunday I woke up later, but still managed to complete my workout before eating.

I find this acceptable. The most important thing is that I wake up on time on my workout days and go to bed at a reasonable hour on all days.

Did I have enough time to eat and shower before starting work?

Yes, having enough time to eat and shower was not a problem. Perhaps in the future I will need to wake up half an hour earlier if my workouts get longer. But for now that is not a problem.

Was I able to do 1 hour of coding practice in the evening?

No. I managed only 30 minutes of coding practice. I was tired and hungry by 5:00pm and on the one day I did practice, it was a real struggle. I was productive at work however. I am just going to accept this is an area that is going to suffer temporarily while I adapt to my new diet and routine.

Was the gym quiet enough for me to execute my workout routine?

Just about. It was surpirsingly busy at 5:30am. I expected it to be quieter.

Was the amount of food I bought sufficient?

Not quite, I am still figuring out a routine here. I went shopping on Thursday evening (I planned to go on Saturday) because I ran out of food. This worked fine. 95% of the time I will have time in the evening to go shopping. For now, that is what I will do.

My diet is radically different now: a lot more protein and a lot less carbs. Foods such as milk, steak, salmon and greek yoghurt are foods I have not eaten since March 2019. For the first time, I have to be concious of the amount of vegetables I am eating and actively limit my consumption of them.

Was I able to stick to OMAD?

Kind of. On Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday I stuck to OMAD. On Friday and Saturday I also had a small meal in the evening. Overall I am pleased with this. On most weekdays I was very hungry in the evening time.

Do I need to shuffle the days around to fit with "one-day-a-week" office working?

No. I am reverting to only going to the office once a month. Going to the office is not a problem. I had time to commute on most days and even if I did not, I could wake up 30 minutes earlier.

13-19 September 2021

What I did to achieve my goals:
* I completed 3 weightlifting workouts and 2 running workouts as planned. Physically I am in great shape and am probably the leanest I have ever been. I am ready to pack on muscle and maintain my cardiovascular fitness.
* I adapted my diet to cope with the increased physical demands 3 weightlifting sessions is having on my body.
* I went to a group walk and socialised. It was great to speak to others. I've spent a lot of time over the past few months reading and absorbing new ideas, but not a lot of time expressing my own ideas to others.
* On the group walk I was able to talk about photography with some of the attendees. I took some pictures of cows and fields.
* I spent some time browsing Meetup.com to look for networking and social events. I found that there is a networking event in my city taking place soon that is related to my software development field.
* I worked extra hours at my job to prepare for for a small presentation I gave. It paid off because the presentation went well.
* I've been reading Arnold Schwarzenegger's autobigroahy, Total Recall. This is a great book and it is inspiring me.
* I found a workout program which is similar to the one I made for myself, but is much more structured. The program is called GZCLP and there is a spreadsheet which informs me what I need to do each workout. I am looking forward to using this spreadsheet and following this program in the coming week.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* I didn't get any matches on Tinder and Bumble and I felt somewhat disheartened by it. I felt particularly succeptible to nihilistic "blackpill" ideas. I am considering uninstalling these apps. I think my marketing is fine (or rather, as good as it can be at the moment), but the product is just not desireable to the buyers. Perhaps I should try these apps again when I have a more muscular physique and live in a more populous and liberal area.
* The financial situation appears bleak in my country. I should stop reading the news.

What I will do next week to achieve my goals:
* Sign up for the software development networking event which takes place a week on Wednesday.
* Continue to adapt to OMAD, waking up at 5:00 and weight training. Evaluate whether the GZCLP program is worth following.
* Replace or fix my broken vacuum cleaner.
* Continue to do challenging coding work. Make up for doing less coding work outside of salaried work by making the coding work done as part of salaried work better.
* Plan something for the weekend, ideally something social. Look for more group walks.
* Stay away from blackpill content and the mainstream media.

 

[bld]

This week was tough. I frequently had bouts of despair and depression which would last for a few hours. I think they're related to my diet - I'm probably eating at a deficit in addition to weightlifting and running.

19-26 September
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I signed up for the software development networking event which will take place this Wednesday.
* I continued with OMAD on MTWT. My nurition feels efficient. I am certainly not "dirty bulking" and am probably eating at a deficit. I was slightly more lenient (2 meals on Sunday, small cheat meal on Saturday) with my diet this week. This leniency is fine and I expect to gain weight over the winter while I focus on building muscle.
* I really enjoyed doing the GZCLP program. Its great to have a spreadsheet which automatically calculates your target weight/reps/sets for each workout. I will continue with week 2 next week. I also completed 3 runs, 1 more than the previous week. I found that I much preferred running after salaried work rather than in the morning.
* I attempted to fix my broken vacuum cleaner but was unable to repair it. I'm going to speak with my father later this evening to see if he has any advice on the matter. Likely I will just buy a new one.
* I did challenging work (albeit unrelated to coding) at my salaried position.
* I stayed away from blackpill content. In fact I've stopped watching a lot of the YouTube creators that I had been watching in the months leading up to me joining this forum. I think I've had my fill of redpill/"dating guru"-type content.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* I didn't plan anything social for the weekend. I actually felt extremely depressed at the beginning of the weekend, although my mood improved over time. Maybe it was for the best that I didn't do anything social. Sitting in and watching movies cheered me up; I think it is OK to do that sometimes.
* I spent a lot of time second-guessing myself, asking myself questions such as Are you sure that this is a good plan? Wouldn't it be better if instead you did something else? How about [radically different plan]?. I would like to spend more time "executing" and less time "executing for a short while, and then replanning". The best plan is the one that you stick to.
* Bouts of depression where working towards my goals felt meaningless and pointless.

What I will do next week to achieve my goals:
* Periodically revisit this log throughout the week (particularly in the evenings), to ensure that I am on the right track.
* Continue weighlifting, coding and running.
* Attend the networking event on Wednesday.
* Take it somewhat easy this week. Remember that you are still settling into a vastly new diet and exercise schedule. Marathon not a sprint.

 

[bld]

This week started very badly as I smashed my car's wingmirror driving back from the gym on Monday morning, rendering it undriveable. Fortunately, I was able to order a new wingmirror and attach it by Wednesday lunchtime, meaning that the damage was minimal. The episode made me realise how much I depend on my car.

Earlier today I asked myself what my 3 biggest weaknesses are, particularly with regards to dating. I think that my 3 biggest weaknesses are:
1. Porn addiction
2. Lack of involvement in social activities and low/non-existent status in social groups
3. Bland physique

I'm definitely improving in number 3. No change of course is needed here. I am beginning to improve in number 2, but further action is needed. Number 1 is getting worse. I need to take massive action in this area.

****************************
26th September - 03 October
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I effectively fixed the wingmirror on my car. I rapidly sourced the necessary part and was able to make the fix. Earlier investments in tools paid off.
* I was able to adjust my schedule to go weightlifting on different days to compensate for the days where I was unable to drive. I didn't miss any weightlifting workouts.
* Yesterday I invested in a much needed new pair of running shoes and winter running gear.
* I decided to use a cardboard box for storage instead of purchasing plastic storage, saving myself some money.
* I attended the networking event that I described last week. This was a fantastic event and I fully intend to go to the next event organised by this group, which will be at the end of this month.
* I finished reading Total Recall. I have read more books this year than any other year by far. Today I started reading Atomic Habits by James Clear.
* I've just requested to attend a toastmasters event which takes place next week.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* I panicked after I broke the wingmirror. I became consumed with thoughts like What if the replacement wingmirror doesn't arrive for weeks? What if the fuel crisis worsens? What if rainwater gets into the vehicle and causes electrical problems? What if I can't get to the shops? I won't be able to go to the networking event and I will be barred from the group.. My system is quite fragile - my ambitions in weightlifting and networking would become severely derailed without access to a car.
* After repairing the wingmirror, I stupidly scratched the front of the car and damaged the bumper almost immediately. It was as though I had forgotten how to drive. The bumper is now held on with duck tape.
* My September financial review informs that I went slightly over my monetary budget last month.
* I skipped running in midweek. In the future, new clothes and shoes will help, although I should be aware that these were not absolutely necessary and that I still could have gone.
* I spent far too much time browsing anonymous messageboards and pornographic websites. Perhaps the worst part is that I often engaged in this behaviour in the morning. I have regressed in this area. A couple of years ago I was not engaging in this behaviour.

What I will do next week to achieve my goals:
* Focus on avoiding porn and anonymous messageboards . Expect to go crazy and spend time curled up in a ball on the floor. Consider each second spent not engaging in the behaviour to be a success.

 

[bld]

Its been a really great week.

03-10 October
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I attended the toastmasters event I mentioned in my previous post. At the event, I was unexpectedley asked "who are the two persons you would most like to invite to a dinner?" and I rambled an answer in front of the entire group. My adrenaline spiked as I spoke and I felt a great rush. There were many confident communicators at the event and I immediately knew that I would learn a lot from spending more time with them. Spoken communication, especially improvisation, is a definite weakness of mine and something I would like to improve at. I will attend the next event which takes place on the 18th October.
* I set new PB's in the 10km, 5km and 1 mile distances (all in the same run!). I completed 3 runs in the past week and my total weekly distance was the highest since 09-15 August. The new clothes which I ordered a couple of weeks ago arrived. Now I am prepared for running in the cold and the rain.
* I successfully avoided porn and anonymous messageboards. I've substituted them both for a videogame (rollerocaster tycoon). I consider this substitution to be very similar to when I substituted cigarettes for vaping: playing videogames is not my long term intention but it will be easier to replace videogames with something like cold approaching or working on my business. In addition, videogames are less harmful than porn and anonymous messageboards (for me at least). I need to monitor this situation and see how it develops.
* I completed 3 weightlifting sessions as planned. I've stopped following OMAD and reverted back to a 2-meal-per-day plan similar to the one I was following before starting weightlifting. This requires much less willpower and is much easier for me to follow. If I ever need to get down to a very low BF% (i.e. for a photoshoot), I can go back to OMAD.
* I finished reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. This is a really great book, one of my favourites. Next week I want to work towards finishing some of the books I have started, but not finished, namely Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson and Psychocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.
* I've signed up for a group walk next Saturday. There are now 5 upcoming events on my calendar for the next month. Just over a month ago, there were none. I'm making good progress in this area.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* I take (percieved) rejection too personally. The organizer of the group walk which I mentioned above took a few days to accept my request to join. Probably they were just busy. I started thinking some negative thoughts, believing my request would be rejected. I think I did this when I didn't have success with OLD a few weeks ago too. My thoughts regarding rejections should be more along the lines of, They're busy doing other things right now, This just isn't meant to be and This opportunity isn't a good fit for you, rather than Everyone thinks you are worthless and doesn't want to spend time with you and You are not good enough.

Where could I improve:
* Keep doing what you're doing. Aim for another week like this one.

 

[bld]

This week did not go so well as I suffered with a cold.

10-17 October
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I was productive at work. Next week my team's technical lead is on holiday and so I will need to focus more and work harder.
* I attended the group walk I described in my previous entry. I was impressed by my ability to connect with people on many different topics and I had deep conversations about coding, self development, music, philosophy, running, photography, books and more. It helped affirm my identity as someone with knowledge and skills in many different areas. Group walks are very good and I should continue doing them.
* I finished reading Your Brain On Porn. I have mixed feelings about this book. The more I read it, the more porn was on my mind, which is counterproductive. I think I have enough information about porn addiction and the affects it has on the brain. Now I need to use that information productively. I decided not to continue with Psychocybernetics. Reading it simply did not enthuse me.
* I started reading The Evolution of Desire by David M Buss. Its content is similar to the Rational Male, except it has a more scientific and mature tone. I am already familiar with many of the ideas expressed: men and women have different reproductive strategies, society advances quicker than the human brain, desireable qualities in a mate differ depending on the circumstances ("dads" vs "cads"). Unlike The Rational Male, this is a book I would feel comfortable talking about at social events.
* I avoided anonymous messageboards.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* Being ill: I suffered from headaches, extreme coldness and a general feeling of serotonin depletion. I was unable to weighlift at the gym while being ill. For the first time, I thought I had contracted covid (I hadn't).
* I "relapsed" into browsing porn again. Its tough for me to write this. As I used the porn I thought about making this entry. It is embarassing to post about having a porn addiction on a public forum.
* I'm developing a YouTube addiction. I often open up the website and expect it to entertain me. This is slightly better than opening up an anonymous messageboard and doing the same because there is less misogyny, misandry and general negativety.

Where could I improve:
* Continue where I left off exactly one week ago, particularly with regards to weight training and porn avoidance.
* Make the most of the Toastmasters event on Monday.
* If the weather permits, go to the city lightshow in midweek and take photographs.

 

[bld]

I look forward to posting in this log more and more as the weeks go by. I think about it often.

This week I returned to my default, "not-ill" state. The main theme was that my day job became very difficult. As described in my previous post, my team's technical leader was on holiday this week and so I picked up some of their responsibilities. It was a disaster. My team missed our weekly targets catastrophically. Progress on the project ground to a complete halt.

17-24 October:
What did I do to achieve my goals:
* I must give myself some credit for how I handled the situation at work. I at least maintained the appearance of confidence at meetings and it was I who informed the stakeholders about the problems. I didn't put down my tools and leave my post. I tried to solve the problems.
* I completed 3 weightlifting and 4 running sessions. I set my highest weekly mileage since August. I also progressed on the major compound lifts, but that is to be expected when following a linear progression program so I don't typically mention that.
* My weight has remained constant at 72kg since I started tracking it 5 weeks ago. My diet is as good as its ever been and is consistent. It doesn't require any willpower to follow. This month I have eaten only one meal which I consider to be a cheat (pizza). Otherwise, I haven't consumed any fizzy drinks, chocolate, sweets, cake or processed foods.
* I attended the toastmasters session. The speech I gave was markedley better than the one I gave in the previous session (the feedback I received was to use more hand gestures, and dont put your hands behind your back). I completed the application process and am now a full member.
* I made a post in a thread other than this one on this forum. I definitely don't feel qualified to give advice on anything, but I'd like to engage with this community a bit more.
* I signed up for a group walk in 2 weeks time. I also signed up for a programming talk in the city which takes place this week. There are a healthy amount of networking/socialising opportunities on my calendar.
* I continued reading The Evolution of Desire—this book more than any other would be the book I wish I could give to myself 5 or 10 years ago.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* Lack of technical programming ability: the reason why our team missed our targets was because we did not know how to solve the technical challenges. I struggled to break down the problems. My attempted fixes were unsuccessful. My attempts at debugging were inadequate. I lacked the fundamental skill necessary to solve the problems and progress the project.
* Lack of ability to cope under pressure: when it became clear that the team was falling behind schedule I started to panic. I wanted to escape. I struggled to concentrate and started catastrophizing. I became erratic, floundering from one potential solution to another, without properly implementing either.
* I consumed porn. My usage is lower than it was a few weeks ago. Perhaps that is all I can hope for. Aim for zero usage, expect some usage.

Where could I improve:
* Make time for deliberate coding practice. A few months ago, I worked on Pluralsight courses and side-projects in the mornings. Now that time has mostly been allocated to weightlifting and breakfast. Next week, I must re-evaluate my schedule and find time that I can reliably set aside for deliberate coding practice. Coding is very fundamental to my strategy, moreso than weightlifting or socialising.
* Focus on being outcome independent at work. Log on, do your best, and then log off. Focus on what you can do. Accept that sometimes you will do everything you can, and the team/project will still fail. Remember that the most important thing you are getting from the working relationship is the experience and skills.

 

[bld]

On Thursday evening, my tonsils became very swollen. Thick white calcium deposits lined their exterior. Throughout Friday and Saturday, my symptoms worsened. Each time I swallowed, the swelling appeared to get worse. Each swallow, of food, water or saliva, was more painful than the previous.

By Saturday evening, I was in a sort of hyper-alert dream state. I really thought there was a significant chance that I was going to die. I had been unable to drink for hours. I was dehydrated. My throat appeared to be nearly swollen shut. I contemplated going to the hospital. I even started to tidy my room so that if I died the people who would find me would see that I died peacefully.

But then I decided to trust my body. I thought to myself, let your body do its thing: either you will die, or you will recover. I felt very content in that moment. I began to recover. I woke up in the night and tried to drink. I managed one small sip of water. The sip was more painful than anything I can remember. I felt happy. I took another and then a few more, each sip more painful than the previous and requiring a great mental effort. Slowly I have recovered to the point where I can make this post.

Over the past few days, I've gained a deeper appreciation for the human body, and in particular my own. It is quite remarkable how it fights illness and disease. I've eaten less than 1000 calories over the past 4 days but I barely feel hungry. My condition is improving rapidly now. Yesterday I was in no state to make this post but today I am able to make it after completing an 8 hour workday. Soon I will be able to speak and eat proper meals again.

With all of that said, there was a lot of other things which happened which shouldn't be forgotten:

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24-31 October
What I did to achieve my goals:
* Monday through Thursday was non-stop action. I was operating at close to my maximum. Every hour was accounted for. I was either sleeping, exercising, coding, socialising, driving... I was always doing something. There was simply no time to even think about porn or anything like that.
* I had a very productive week at work and I worked in the evenings also. I had some great conversations about software development with different people. I did lots of coding.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* In some respects, tonsilitis. Almost certainly I will lose some athletic performance. I haven't been to the gym in nearly a week now. I'm starting to question whether I am putting too much strain on my body, and such strain is causing these bouts of illness.
* I reacted badly to finding out that my car needs significant repair work to its suspension and underbody, and will likely need to be replaced entirely soon. I have savings to cover the cost of replacing my car, but if I were to use those savings, I would be very exposed and at risk financially.

Where could I improve:
* Let your body recover fully from tonsillitis.
* Start getting into the saving mindset. Expansive purchases: clothes, trips and niceties, are on hold. As a matter of necessity, the next 6-12 months need to be lean. The more disciplined I can be here, the better the car I will be able to afford will be when the time comes.
* Look for areas of your life that can be trimmed/simplified: that Tinder Gold subscription is doing nothing for you, sell your guitars which you don't have time to play, consider selling those clothes you bought in the summer which you don't actually like.
* Continue with weightlifting and running until Christmas, but ponder whether doing both next year is a good idea.
* Finish reading The Evolution of Desire and then move onto books within the software development or finance sphere.

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To a casual reader, I am sure that this log is very boring. There are no tales of crazy BDSM sex parties or anything like that.

To me the past week has been crazy. I look back on what happened one week ago and I think, Did that really only happen one week ago? It feels like a lifetime ago. I feel as though I am in a much different headspace to the one I am in normally. I don't really care if I achieve my goals. In this moment, I do not feel burdened by them.

I will keep striving towards perfection, but when the reaper calls, I am ready to go.

 

[MakingAComeback]

Keep working man.

I wouldn't worry about the casual reader or needing to impress people by turning your life into some fantastic sexual carnival. Perhaps you will. Nonetheless, it's YOUR process. Accountability, consistency, and just having space to journal to mentally process this maddening journey is where the value is.

The whole community is very big on the concept of The Slight Edge. Just busting your ass and applying yourself at things that on the surface look so minute as to accomplish nothing are what add up to create greatness but this shit really can take years.....some can get it quicker than others, but for most, you're looking at a long road of just stuff like you're posting right here. That's kinda how it goes man.

When I was your age, my life was truly in the shitter. I was a few years out of graduating from a top Uni and scornful that my life was anxiety hell when my mates from Uni were working at top investment firms. Gutted up and started building myself back up as a person. In 4 years I have more than doubled my salary, which isn't that impressive atm because remember, I had hit absolute rock bottom in life, but I am making all sorts of strides and will get there in the end. It's this seemingly insignificant stuff that is what adds up. It seems like you have a decent platform, and age is on your side.

Just keep working,
MAC

 

[bld]

I've been watching videos by Greg Doucett and Derek MorePlatesMoreDates. In one of his videos Derek talks about how it is important for young guys to focus on being skilled with women, instead of making money. I've been thinking about this. Most guys that I hear saying this have a vested interest in making me believe it because they are "dating coaches" or similar. Greg is a fitness guy, so to hear him saying this is eye-opening. Am I making a mistake by neglecting dating and focussing more on my career? I don't think I am. To be honest, I think focussing on dating would be the "easy" option in some regards. Making money does not come easy to me. My biggest insecurities stem from a lack of financial success moreso than a lack of dating success. I am constantly bombarded with reminders of my lack of financial success (my beatup car, my lack of savings, my student debt) whereas my dating insecurities are almost entirely self-inflicted: I deliberately seek out content which tells me I am not doing enough in this area. For a period, I was legitimately happy spurning dating opportunities.

Earlier today at a family gathering, my mother asked me what I would do this evening. I dodged the question and said, "It depends on how late I get home". The real answer is: I'm going to systematically analyse my shortcomings and successes and share them on a public forum.:

------------------------------------

01-11 November
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I had an unproductive day on Friday - I did lots of housework instead of coding work. But I made up for it by spending Sunday morning working on coding. I made good progress on a difficult problem. The more I was putting off working on this problem, the more scary it seemed. After spending time working on it, it doesn't seem nearly as scary now and working on it again in the future will be easier.
* I recovered from tonsilitis. I feel close to 100% once again.
* I've mixed up my diet slightly - I've replaced chicken and rice with a chicken wrap. I was getting bored of the rice, the wrap is much more interesting.
* I did an 18-mile group walk. I've been on 4 or 5 of these walks over the past couple of months. I consider them to be habitualized at this point.
* I've been watching a youtube channel called Continuous Delivery which talks about software development at a high level. One of the concepts the presenter describes is how the best developers aren't the best coders necessarily, but rather the best problem solvers. He talks about how the no-code solution is often the best solution. This is something I've lost sight of recently. Your ability to send an email to the right person is just as valuable to the company as your ability to write some complex multi-threaded code. Furthermore, your methodology for solving problems is important: How will you decide which solution to try? How many solutions will you try? How much time will you dedicate to reading? How will you keep focussed on trying one solution at a time? How many hours can you concentrate for? How much does your ability to problem solve degrade with time?
* I've started reading Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell. This book reminds me of when I would spend hours reading about Marxism, debating the pros and cons of planned economies on anonymous messageboards (a collosal waste of time to be sure). I'm not sure whether I will get much practical advice from Basic Economics, or if I even agree with what it is saying, but it is somewhat useful to understand how most people think of economics. So far, The Millionaire Fastlane by MJ DeMarco is a book I prefer on this subject.
* My October financial review revealed I actually managed to save £150. This was unexpected, I expected to be slightly over budget again. My grocery expenditure was significantly less than forecasted.

What hindered me from achieving my goals
* I feel like I'm a very serious person. I noticed at the meal with my family I felt like I was on a totally different wavelength to everyone else. I could not engage with the conversations about holidays, television shows, sports and investing. I have £40,000 of student debt, my car is falling apart and the brakes are making a horrible grinding noise which suggests they could stop working at any moment, I have no success with women and the only way I see myself having sex in the next year is with a prostitute. The biggest question on my mind isn't which region of France I should go to on holiday to or which stocks I should invest in, but whether my awful financial situation or my non-existent dating life needs my attention the most. On a positive note, some of my family made fun of my bald head, but I was able to join in sincerely with this joking. I'm glad I'm not insecure about this.
* I noticed my presence was greatly diminshed at the family gathering. Previously, I was someone people looked up to. But now, I am more of a peripheral figure. I did not voice my opinion or share my experiences, for I sensed they had little value. I felt like an outsider more than a leader. I think the solution here is just to become more successful and remember that my self-worth does not depend on how others percieve me.

Where could I improve:
* Get back to the gym after time off to recover from tonsilitis.
* Add more fruits, vegetables and whole foods to your diet. Don't become reliant on protein shakes and milk.
* Remember that you are racing yourself, and not other people.

---------------------------------------

Keep working man.

I wouldn't worry about the casual reader or needing to impress people by turning your life into some fantastic sexual carnival. Perhaps you will. Nonetheless, it's YOUR process. Accountability, consistency, and just having space to journal to mentally process this maddening journey is where the value is.

The whole community is very big on the concept of The Slight Edge. Just busting your ass and applying yourself at things that on the surface look so minute as to accomplish nothing are what add up to create greatness but this shit really can take years.....some can get it quicker than others, but for most, you're looking at a long road of just stuff like you're posting right here. That's kinda how it goes man.

When I was your age, my life was truly in the shitter. I was a few years out of graduating from a top Uni and scornful that my life was anxiety hell when my mates from Uni were working at top investment firms. Gutted up and started building myself back up as a person. In 4 years I have more than doubled my salary, which isn't that impressive atm because remember, I had hit absolute rock bottom in life, but I am making all sorts of strides and will get there in the end. It's this seemingly insignificant stuff that is what adds up. It seems like you have a decent platform, and age is on your side.

Just keep working,
MAC

You're right. I don't need to impress people. This log is unashamedley dull and uninteresting, because 99% of self-development is dull and uninteresting. I'm not just posting the highlights, I'm posting all of the nitty gritty details. Others may find such humble, steady, incremenetal progress encouraging, or they may find it boring. But I am writing this log for myself first and foremost. I love the slight edge philosophy for it gives me comfort in times where I question whether I am progressing quickly enough.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

[bld]

I thought about what I wrote last week, about my car being potentially unsafe. Looking back on what I wrote in my last entry, I believe I'm exaggerating. My vehicle is not unsafe. It is just old. The failure mode it will experience will almost certainly allow me to bring the vehicle to a controlled stop without injury. Cars are inherently dangerous. I don't think I am being reckless by continuing to drive my vehicle.

That being said, I do believe it is time to replace it. I'm not in quite as secure a financial position as I would like to be, but I'm confident that it is secure enough. I have spent time this weekend researching different cars that are in my budget. I've created a spreadsheet to compare the different makes and models in terms of performance, fuel economy, running costs etc. I've also started tracking what I believe are good deals so that I can get a feel for the value of the different models.

I also reflected on what I wrote about my position in my family. I don't care about this. Others are better off financially, I am better off in other ways. Finance is just one dimension to life. You can't be good at everything. Stop comparing yourself to others. They're insecure about something too.

On an unrelated note, my sex drive has been very high over the past week. I think this may be due to the fact that I am eating more. It feels good. I have a lot of energy to do things.

----------------------------

07-14 November

What I did to achieve my goals:
* I focused intensely on coding. The highlight of the week was on Friday where I spent about 5 hours working on a problem which I managed to solve at around 18:30. Staying late and seeing my fix work in the application gave me a great feeling.
* I worked hard at the gym. I gave myself severe DOMS after doing squats, something I did not expect to do.
* My diet is much more varied that it was. I've found a good mix of ingredients to make chicken wraps: wholemeal wrap, chicken, cucumber, lettuce, bell pepper, red cabbage, hot sauce, greek yoghurt and mint. I can make lots of these in one go and then reheat them whenever I want. I eat more frequently now which allows me to consume more fruits and vegetables: I've started eating kiwis daily.
* I feel as though I am in a good headspace generally. I didn't experience any feelings of despair or despondency. From the outside, my life must seem stressful at the moment but internally I am dealing with it well. I'm settling into a nice rhythm. The weeks are passing by quickly.
* I watched a lot of Greg Doucette videos. I really like this guy's approach to life. The message I take from his videos is to worry less about what other people think of you. Act how you want to act and do what you want.

What hindered me from achieving my goals:
* I looked at a lot of porn. I'm not sure if this hindered me too much but I know that it is something I'd like to do less of. The porn I consume is so bizzarre that I sometimes find myself laughing at the absurdity of it... I would love to understand the underlying psychology behind what motivates me to watch such absurd content.
* I didn't listen to any audiobooks. I stopped reading Basic Economics. I didn't enjoy reading it. I don't want to think about planned economies, I spent too much of my teenage years doing that. I want something actionable that will imporve me life.

Where could I improve:
* Continue researching cars. Prepare to make an informed purchase.
* Find an audiobook which interests you: something which doesn't feel like a chore to listen to.

 

[bld]

A decent week. Lots of grinding. I'm slightly better at coding and weightlifting than I was last week.

I listened to Andy's podcast on lockdowns and dropping out of society. I am glad that the creator of this website is also "self-aware" for lack of a better term. I feel as though we have similar beliefs on this topic. Dropping out of society is something I came very close to doing a few years ago. I remember placing my debit card in between a pair of scissors and thinking deeply about what would happen if I made the cut. It is very difficult to actually drop out of society (including the global financial system). The people I spent time with who had done it were not very well off at all. Sleeping on a friend's couch is great, but will doing that allow you to build muscle and wealth? Maybe, but most that I encountered were not doing that. I reached the conclusion that it was better for me to participate in society rather than drop out. I pay my taxes, vote in elections (lol) and send christmas cards to my neighbours. I'll even wear a mask. But I won't get the vaccine.

I often feel like an outcast. All of the people I assosciate with are "believers in Western society" for lack of a better word. I am yet to encounter "non-believers in Western society, believers in self-improvement". I've encountered plenty of "non-believers in Western society" at raves and protests, but often these people are killing themselves with drugs and alcohol. Maybe that is why the world of computers appeals to me. In the digital world, I can be myself.

------------------------------------------------------

14-21 November
What I did to achieve my goals:
* I put in a solid week of coding. I'm improving at this skill. I'm getting closer to mastery, slowly.
* I put in a solid week of weightlifting. I'm improving at this skill. I'm getting closer to mastery, slowly.
* I delviered a good speech at the toastmasters event. I'm improving at this skill. I'm getting closer to mastery, slowly.
* I researched cars and updated the spreadsheet. I researched the car buying process (insurance, part-exchanging your old vehicle etc.) A new (to me, the car itself will be used, obviously) car is getting closer.
* I can see room for improvement in my diet. I know the substitutions I could make to increase protein or reduce calories.
* I bought christmas gifts and birthday cards for my family. I'm prepared for christmas.

What hindered me:
* I'm conflicted on the subject of "romantic connection". I always have this nagging feeling that I should be doing more to connect romantically with girls. Sometimes I think, "Forget about it. Just work on your finances and fitness. You're making good progress in these areas. Mastering a skill requires sacrifice. Don't overload yourself". Other times I think "This is your biggest weakness. Your finances and fitness are great compared to this area. You need to prioritise cold approaching."
I would like to quieten my mind on this subject. I think the best thing I can do is continue doing what I am doing until the end of the year and then re-evalutate. I am sure that a concept more fundamental than dating, fitness or finance is stick to the plan.

Where could I improve:
* Analyse your current diet. How many calories are you consuming per day? What are your macros looking like?

-----------------------------------------------------

I considered "dropping out of christmas". I would save money by doing this. I would be able to follow my diet better. I could spend more time coding. It seems "going all in on my goals" would involve not participating in Christmas. This year I am going to try, as I tried last year, to keep the detrimental effect of celebrating Christmas small. Maybe next year I will drop out completely.

 

[bld]

A short entry this week. Last week I said that assessing my diet would help me reach my goals - I don't think it will. I like intuitive eating and I am confident that I am getting enough protein. My weight has remained stable at 72kg for the past few weeks, a weight which I like.

21-28 November
What did I do to achieve my goals:
* worked hard at coding and weightlifting
* created a blog post on my website, the first since June.
* did lots of writing and then deleted it. This is good. Post less, write more.

What hindered me:
* nothing

Where could I improve:
* nothing in particular, keep going

 

[bld]

My car broke down this week (CV joint failure) and now needs fixing. I had three options:
* buy tools and parts and attempt to fix it myself
* get it fixed at a garage
* blindly buy another car online, have it delivered and scrap the current one

I've gone with the first option. Now I need to wait for parts and tools to arrive. I give myself an 80% chance of being able to fix the problem. Fingers crossed.

28 November-05 December
What did I do to achieve my goals:
* In terms of fitness, I have temporarily switched my focus to running. I will be able to do some speedwork and perhaps some longer runs. I'm using the forced time off weightlifting to cycle off creatine.
* Spent time researching how to fix my car and which tools I would need.

What hindered me:
* My car breaking down, obviously. I can't go to the gym or do much of anything until it is fixed.

What should I focus on:
* Get the car back up and running ASAP.
* Focus on coding and writing posts for my blog while I wait for parts.

 

[bld]

I give myself an 80% chance of being able to fix the problem

Haha this was way too optimistic.

I took Friday off work and broke the problem down into 22 steps. I managed to get to step 5 and then I got stuck - a nut became cross threaded on a bolt and I couldn't get it off. I'm not sure what the best thing to do in this situation is but I couldn't figure out a solution with the tools at hand. I think I greatly underestimated the likelihood of unforseen problems. Also the battery died so now the engine won't start.

Yesterday I put down a deposit on a new car. I test drove it and it was very exciting - crisp handling, responsive brakes, nice engine note. Just better in every way than my current vehicle. Barring anything unforseen, it will be on my driveway sometime in the next week.

---------------------------------------

05-12 December
What did I do to achieve my goals:
* Actually taking action and putting down a deposit on a car.
* I sent christmas cards to members of my network. I've started a list. This ritual is useful to quanitfy your network - who actually is willing to send cards to me? Who do I want to send cards to?

What hindered me:
* I haven't been to the gym in nearly 2 weeks now. Since restarting weightlifting in September I've missed so many sessions due to illness or being without transport. It is painful.
* I missed a social event due to not being able to travel. I also couldn't travel to the office for a work commitment. These are missed opportunities. This past week has made me realise how much I depend on having a car. If I lived in a more urban enviornment there would be less of a dependency...
* Not being able to fix my car put me in a very weak negotiating position. I am desperate for a new car. I have put down a deposit on one but I am likely overlooking any problems it has.
* My savings are critically low now.

What should I focus on next week:
* Doing the necessary paperwork to ensure that I have access to a car ASAP. I've made a plan of all of the things I need to do and when I can do them. I must follow this plan.

-------------------------------------

I think attempting to fix my car was the right thing to do. I've lost money on parts, but most of the investment was into tools, which I still have. In hindsight I would have replaced the car much sooner. In November I dawdled, waiting for a perfect opportunity for a new car. I should have been travelling every weekend to test drive new vehicles. I should have replaced that vehicle before it got the stage where it was undriveable and requiring a big investment to make it roadworthy. I should fix problems on my new vehicle as soon as they arise. I should aim to sell this car on and recoup much of what I paid for it in a few years time, rather than running it into the ground to the point where it is undriveable like I have done so for my current vehicle.

 

[bld]

I have a new car and life is looking up again!

12-19 December
What did I do to achieve my goals:
* Took delivery of my new car. My old car was a major weakness, I was ashamed to drive it because it was tatty. It was like a wearing an ill fitting t-shirt with stains. My new car is not flashy or extragavant, but rather like a well fitting clean t-shirt.
* Completed 2 weightlifting sessions. Weightlfting is a major source of joy: I enjoy being able to use my muscles and my body and I love the physical act of lifting weights.
* I sent christmas cards to all of my neighbours. While writing them, I needed to look for an old WhatsApp conversation to match a name with an address. I realised that I had unread messages in conversations I had archived. As a result, I've now got in touch with an old friend who messaged me out of the blue a few months ago. This is great example of serendipidity - had I not decided to write christmas cards, I wouldn't have got in touch with my old friend.

What hindered me:
* At the beginning of the week I was stressed because the car dealer wasn't responding to my phonecalls. I kept telling myself to be stoic, but I felt awful up until the point where I actually took ownership of the new vehicle. It would be better if I did not let external events outside of my control have so much influence on my emotions and state of mind.
* Increasing social restrictions are somewhat of a threat. It would not surprise me if the gym becomes closed in the near future.

What should I focus on next week:
* Go hard in the gym and at work. Make every session count.
* Prepare for time off over christmas. Make a loose schedule for what I will do on the days where I am off over christmas.

 

[bld]

Over the past 2 weeks I have thought a lot about what my goals are for the upcoming year and I've come up with the 5 that you can see in my signature. This isn't a comprehensive list of goals, I have goals in my career too, but I don't think there is any value writing about them on this forum. I came here for the Tinder guide: dating/sex/romance/cold approaching/whatever is predominantly why I am here so I am going to focus on that in this log.

From now on my posts in this log will be less structured. I aim to continue posting regularly (once a week or once every two weeks), so as not to "forget" about these goals, even if I have made little progress towards them. I'm simply going to write about things that happened in my pursuit of these goals.

-----------------------------

My goals:
* Approach a complete stranger and tell her that she's cute - I thought that I could do this but I was wrong. I will write about my first(?) experience trying to cold approach below.
* Have 6 high quality images that I can use for a dating profile - I have 3 images which are "OK" (my profile picture is one of them (if you think its bad then you should see the other 997 which didn't make it...)). I want a bigger bank of photos to choose from. I have some ideas - a professional photoshoot, one of me running, one of me topless, one of me at a social event... Basically I need to go outside with my camera/somebody else's camera and do things.
* Lift 1/2/3/4 (60kg OHP, 100kg bench, 140kg squat, 180kg deadlift) - Currently I can do 47.5kg OHP, 65kg bench , 85kg squat and 82.5kg deadlift. I think I can hit these numbers if I keep training as I am - I'm tracking my lifts and constantly progressing. I've nearly finished a 12 week program and I'll talk about this more once I finish it.
* Run a marathon - It would be cool to be able to run a marathon. Currently I can do a half. This one may wait until next year.
* Prepare to move to a city - I live in the countryside which is nice but isn't doing me any favours when it comes to dating. Moving to a city will increase my dating prospects. I'm in no particular rush to do this - when the time is right it will happen. In the meantime I can do things such as build some savings for moving, get a suit and interview for new positions (may not be necessary...), and spend time in cities that I'm considering moving to.

All of these goals are synchronous - working on one helps the others. The two fitness goals are like that so that I don't become skinny runner, or a fat weightlifter. The real aim is to build a good physique. Taking photos, exploring cities and cold approaches are all very closely related. I don't want my online dating photos to trick people into thinking I have an interesting social life and do interesting things, instead I want to actually do those things. I haven't set any dates on these goals. I want to achieve them badly enough that I will consistently make progress towards them. Honestly if I could forget about fucking cold approaching I would.

--------------------------------

My first time "cold approaching"

On the 29th December I went out for the first time with the deliberate intention of cold approaching. I took a train to the nearest big city and on the way I wrote down in a notepad, "Mission: get numbers" I also wrote "Don't expect to get any numbers". I felt like I was in the movie The Matrix. I thought to myself, Everyone else at this shopping centre is here to consume products, I'm here to learn how to manufacture romance with strangers. I am so smart, I understand social dynamics on a level that most of these NPC's have no idea of. I tried to tell myself such thinking was silly but on some level I do (wrongly?) think it is like that.

I didn't have the courage to speak to anyone. I just walked around the streets, constantly at war with myself. The monkey in my head would tell me: She's too old. She's too young. She's too pretty. She's not pretty enough. There are too many people here. There aren't enough people here. I knew that this was narrative was ridiculous but in the split second where I would make eye contact with a girl this is what my mind would say. And so I'd immediately look away and think to myself What a stupid thing to think. Next time I'm not going to think that. I'm going to just act.... But the next time the same thing would happen. And this went on for a couple of hours before I skulked back to the train station and went home.

I've done leafletting in public before for various companies and organizations. I've cold approached hundreds of strangers and tried to sell them some shitty product. But I couldn't approach a single person to sell them the prospect of dating me. I thought it would be "easy". But it definitely wasn't. I felt depressed afterwards.

Its so simple isn't it? Just walk up to someone and say "hey" and let your brain figure out the rest. But if you can't even say "hey" then what can you do? I guess Andy's advice of "stay out on the front lines" is the best answer. Maybe meditation could help? Perhaps the depression I felt came from a realisation that I have a very long way to go before I see any tangible results in the form of dates/lays/relationships from cold approaching. I think that running a marathon will be trivial compared to this.

 

[Squilliam]

Ah, man, cold approaching is really hard. I don't blame you for failing. I asked 5 girls for the time yesterday, and that took me almost everything I had.

Maybe try approaching strangers in environments where there is more of a mutual topic that you can start a conversation about? For instance, I "approached" some girl at the rock climbing gym the other day.

 

[bld]

Ah, man, cold approaching is really hard. I don't blame you for failing. I asked 5 girls for the time yesterday, and that took me almost everything I had.

Maybe try approaching strangers in environments where there is more of a mutual topic that you can start a conversation about? For instance, I "approached" some girl at the rock climbing gym the other day.

Well done on approaching 5 girls and asking for the time! Anything that "takes almost everything" is worth doing.

For me, I've asked strangers for the time/directions many times before and now that is not a challenge. It feels socially acceptable to do that, whereas approaching a girl and telling her she's cute doesn't. It is easy for me to write on a forum that I'm vastly overestimating the likelihood and severity of bad things happening from doing that, but in the moment, my logical brain switches off and the reptile brain screams at me to not do it. Probably I told a girl she was cute when I was a teenager and she laughed at me or something, and now I have to undo the "that was painful, never do that again" neural programming that formed as a result.

I'm really not sure how to undo the programming. The best idea that I've come up with so far is to keep increasing my SMV until the universe has given me enough positive signals to overwhelm that voice that says "don't approach". I'm not sure I'd be able to handle hearing hundreds of "No, go away/Please leave me alone/You're a creep"'s right now. I think I would internalise it. A few months ago, I felt depressed when I downloaded dating apps and had no success. There's always a "blackpill mindset" lurking in the background of my psyche that is looking for fuel. Maybe I should make more of an effort to meditate...

You may be right on the environment thing. Something that appeals to me about approaching in shopping centres is that they're not environments I particularly value. If an interaction was to go horrible wrong it wouldn't matter. If I get banned from a shopping centre it wouldn't bother me. If I got banned from my gym, for example, that would bother me a lot. The way I'm looking at it, and it could be flawed, is that I should practice expressing sexual desire towards women who are outside of my social circles, and outside of the environments that matter to me. If I come across as creepy (very likely as I am very uncalibrated) it won't really matter. Ultimately, I'd like to become calibrated and confident enough to express sexual desire towards women I encounter in my day to day life.

-------------------------------------------------------

Fitness progress
Last week I finished the 12 week weightlifting program I was following. I compiled an album of before/after pictures: https://imgur.com/a/fzHmpil

I'm pleased with the progress. I look leaner and fitter. My bodyweight stayed the same, my cardiovascular performance stayed about the same, but my lifts went up:

Predicted 1RM (kg):
OHP: 33.33 -> 48
Bench: 55.49 -> 64.58
Squat: 53.32 -> 87.99
Deadlift: 69.99 -> 87.99

There's still a long way to go before I hit my 1/2/3/4 goal but I'm making progress every week. I'm really enjoying the fitness part of my life at the moment.