Update
Girls
Politics Girl & Rope Bunny are still regulars, though busy from work and wrapping things up for the end of the year. Last few weeks I’ve been getting one new girl consistently every week from Fet or social circle.
Date on Saturday with beautiful 25yo red headed, petite service sub that is so my type. She just fell into my inbox because of my munch.
Cold Approach
As I mentioned in my EOY summary, my intention for next year is to focus on learning cold approach. So I stopped paying for and swiping on the apps for now.
I was reading the
notes AskTheDom and & Manga left in Idoser’s log about what was needed to become proficient at cold approach. Manga mentioned listening to
St.Robert’s podcast, so I listened to a couple episodes.
In the podcast he said that if you really want to get proficient, you need to go out every day. This intuitively made sense to me because it’s just like the gym. In the beginning I went to the gym every day to overcome whatever bullshit excuses I had. Doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life, you make time to go to the gym. Eventually it became part of my lifestyle and I love going to the gym. I actually hate if I ever have to skip and probably only do it once or twice a year now.
Cold approach is no different. So I reorganized my schedule so I can go out for 1-2 hours every day. It’s all I’m willing to allot away from the main priority of work.
The Dom made a
great post about the levels you will go through to reach proficiency.
Quick summary:
- Level 0 – Mastering AA & managing your nervous system
- Leve 1 – Competent at the parts of approach
- Level 2 – Vibe & Attraction
- Level 3 – Escalation/Closing
- Level 4 – Attractive Personality
Right now I’m just getting to level 0, which is getting used to doing cold approach and getting over my anxiety so I have blood flowing to prefrontal cortex and not freezing in set. Once I’m calm, I have no problem conversing, starting to vibe, and being able to learn the parts of the approach and know where I am in set. Also, there have been times I’ve been approaching last year that I had no problem approaching very attractive women. I actually don’t have much anxiety about being rejected.
From what I’ve observed, my anxieties are:
- Being cringe or socially uncalibrated. My body even tenses and I close my eyes when I see others be cringey.
- Freezing in conversation. I’m actually quite witty and sharp in conversation, but if I’m anxious I can’t easily follow rabbit trails for conversation.
- Being a bother to them.
In order to get to Level 0, here are the tasks that I am focusing on:
- Go out every day – only allowed one skip for the week and must be for work related reasons.
- Get up to 5 approaches a day and then 10 approaches a day.
- Throw myself into different and unique approach situations to gain a wide experience.
- Pushing the line of rejection to find out how much I can get away with, for example if she says she has a boyfriend, to say I have
- girlfriends and ask if she’s in an open relationship. I just want to see what happens.
I read the beginning of september's log and he seemed to do the slow ramp up as well. I’ve been going out for a little over a week now, getting 2-3 sets a day, got 2 numbers and couple decent sets, including a married woman who said she wished her husband looked like me and would go on a date with me if she was not married. Ouch.
However until I’ve reached the above, I’m not even going to worry about asking for deep advice, recording sets, or getting coaching because frankly, it would be a waste of time for that mentor. I need to have the habit engrained first and worked out all the bullshit excuses required for me to consistently get around 10 approaches a day for the advice to be taken seriously and be implemented the very next day. At that time I’ll get coaching to speed run me through Level 1 & 2, because I think once I’ve gain proficiency in those levels, Level 3 & 4 will come pretty easily. Of course, I’m a newb at cold approach, so what they hell do I know.
I really don’t care how long this takes me to learn because it’s not about getting laid per se, it’s actually about the version of Bman that is on the other side of this. The one who does not give a fuck at all, is bold, and does as he pleases, approaching any woman he finds attractive in any situation. I’ve seen glimpses of him before, so I know the delta between me now and him is smaller than I think.
The first time I viscerally remember him showing up was when I went to a bar with my friends and wife. There was roped off stairs to the upper part of the bar for some private party. After having a couple drinks, I seen it as we were about to leave the bar. My friends mentioned they wondered what was up there. So I disregarded the sign, went up there, and immediately walked up and started talking with a hot girl up there who was in mid conversation with another guy. Turns out she was the birthday girl and it was her party. I asked her if my friends could come join and she said yes. I remember the guy just sitting there dumbfounded as I talked with his girl. Unfortunately my friends were too chicken shit and I don’t even know what I was trying to pull of there with my wife there, too. Lol But that’s when I decided to stop drinking alcohol because I knew I needed to learn how to bring that guy out without drinking.
Last year when I intermittently did cold approach and was still pretty fresh to all this, I did have one date, couple numbers that would have turned into a date in not cucked by schedules, handful of numbers that went nowhere, and did fine approaching very hot women and got positive responses. Paradoxically, there is a certain threshold for me that they are so hot I HAVE to approach. I immediately shut down whatever anxiety there is and just go for it.
Yes, I can already hear Manganiello and AskTheDom telling me I'm not doing enough. But I know I must learn to crawl before I can walk, and walk before I can run. So let’s beat Level 0 first.
Social Circle
Throwing a Christmas play party on the 18th for the regulars who have come to the munch this year. Should be a good time.
Also found a website that allows you to book hotel suites at a discount, so I will probably start throwing hotel sex parties during my travels next year which will be much more streamlined I think. There is a famous SW and researcher her in Austin that hosts sex parties with a stringent application. I can easily see myself having the same when I have more influence.
My sex coaching/mentoring/ submissive training (I don’t even know what to call this yet) client is going well. She’s paid for two sessions so far. I’m actually having a lot of fun doing it. If I continue to do this with other women, in combination with continuing to get laid, will give me such a deep expertise into women’s sexual psychology.
All in all, I can see a version of myself in the future that has a consistent, over abundant stream of girls wanting to fuck me, work with me, or attend one of my sex parties. Just requires me continuing to put in consistent effort over time with compounding growth, Warren Buffett style
Van Work
Van is finally repaired. Having it in the shop ate into about 3 weeks worth of build time, but it is what is. Glad to be working on it again. Purchased last of materials and finishing her up. Also found a website that allows you to housesit for people in cities. Most of the people on there are older wealthy couples traveling that own gorgeous homes. My plan is to bounce around different houses that need housesitting when I want a break from living in the van for a week. Will also be nice for pulling girls back to little mcmansions.
Attachment work
Been doing good work on my attachment style using the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol & finished reading Attachment Disturbances in Adults last week.
My biggest fear underlying my attachment style is that of abandonment. I learned to keep myself safe from abandonment by becoming Mr.Independent and not letting people get close in a relationship in the beginning. I don’t want to tell them my needs, because if I do, and they leave, then I have to fulfill them myself anyways. So I just don’t even tell them to start with. However if I do let them get closer to me, then I become anxious and need reassurance that they do in fact love me and will not abandon. If I sense any type of abandonment and them getting ready to exit my life, then I become avoidant again in order to protect myself.
I can see this behavior was bad in my early 20’s. From what I can gather, I’ve done a lot of work to become secure up until this point. However there still is some residual sometimes. As we can see from the breakup report above, I’m still poor at expressing my needs.
So in the IPFP I have started imagining them leaving and returning, fulfilling my needs, being delighted to see me, and cherishing my existence. I feel like its doing good work. Especially since I’ve retained Rope Bunny, who actually is one of the most secure woman I’ve dated.
If any of you decide to try this protocol, read Attachment Disturbances in Adults because it will explain how to tailor the protocol specific to you. It’s a textbook for psychotherapists to train them how to deliver this treatment to their patients, but I’ve been hotwiring my brain and psychology for years, so I feel confident doing it myself. If you don’t, then work with a therapist trained in the protocol.
ED Discoveries
My ED issues come and go, depending on the woman and how secure or insecure I’m feeling in the moment. However I’ve done a few things to help this.
One – After an evening that I had trouble staying hard, I started taking the proper amount of magnesium and other electrolytes. I was really lacking magnesium. My erections are much firmer and solid after doing so.
Two – This is the more important one. Mine is definitely psychological. An easy test to tell is to figure out what your core desires/feelings are when you’re horny. For example, I like to feel naughty or engage in taboo. Next is to find written erotica that will elicit that feeling. The reason to use erotica instead of porn is because watching videos does not allow you to use your imagination and causes you to breath shallower. However when you read, your breathing slows which relaxes you, and you use your imagination to create the image. Sure enough, I read erotica around some of my core desires and was rock hard very quickly and sustained that erection.
Now, why am I getting anxious during sex sometimes? Well I think part of it has to do with the abandonment piece above. I think that if I don’t perform well, which I think I need my dick to be hard for, and am not a sex god, then she’ll “abandon” me. This usually happens with the girls I’m really into on the first date. Then I think about my dick not being hard in the moment and start the death spiral.
Ok, so what do we do about it? Well based on the work I’ve been doing with attachment styles, I think I can do the same but imagining ideal sex scenarios, particularly ones that everything goes great for me and tap into my core desires. See the brain has a hard time discerning imagined and real memories, because memories are just imagined past events. Once I’ve created a database of imagined scenarios, I can use those to fuel my dirty talk and roleplay and bring those into a situation when I’m getting too worked up. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Three - Now that I know the root cause, and way I think I can address it, I swallowed my ego, and ordered some generic Cialis (thanks for the info drop a while back september). I did this because I don’t want to be in bed with another hottie and keep making bad experience reference points. Instead, if I can use this combination with the above, I think I can make real experience reference points to overwrite the bad ones, and reinforce the imagined scenarios I’ve created. So maybe one day I can use one of the reference points and basically get erections on command. Again, I’ll let you know how it goes.
