CONCLUDED: Conflicted & seeking help: Dumped for saying the word "retarded" as well as other slurs [are we both wrong?]

[Vice]

JUNE 2023 EDIT: I've come to a conclusion; click here for the conclusion:

https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=59729#p59729

So I'm on a military deployment, and of course had to get dumped by one of my FB's.

The reason? I'll use the word "retard" and "faggot", and even preface my use of the word "faggot" by saying I'm not actually describing homosexual men. I fucking go to gay clubs and have gay friends.

She wrote that she can't be friends with someone who uses slurs "when people are getting killed for being gay". That really triggered me because I'm from a country that has experienced serious conflict, and all I see is a privileged white girl who lives in a laundry machine of false feedback who in fact is gaining weight, wasting her money on bullshit in the precipice of a recession, and overall being catered to. Apparently she told me she didn't like me using slurs like "retard" and "faggot", but I don't pay attention to what she says because most of the time she talks about dumb shit anyway.

Now, I'm conflicted by this. On one hand I do not like to walk on eggshells and have my language policed. On the other hand, I'm well aware of how much of a massive asshole I'm perceived to be when I use this language. I actually got banned from Tinder for using the word "retard" in my profile. I had some attorney girl go on this rant at me on Tinder for using that word. I understand that gay men have had extreme struggles in the past, that people with my job in the military would get kicked out for just rumors of being gay, and how there are still human rights abuses in other countries. And I understand that the word "retard" is a negative slur for a condition that someone was born with and cannot control.

But often times those words just slip out.

After some introspection, I determined that the root cause is negativity and my ego. A lot of that is sourced from reading bullshit red pill websites for years, as well as being into rage bait videos on sites like LiveLeak, Reddit's publicfreakout, and police shooting videos. I've been catching myself going on these animated negative rants when I'm out, and while they're entertaining and "I'm right", it's preventing me from getting laid while feeding my ego. Perhaps my hatred of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells and feeling controlled is actually my ego being threatened.

So guys, can someone help me find a positive angle and mindset to changing my behavior? I think writing this post out has helped me figure out the right course of action, but instead of deleting it I want to see what others have to say. It's very clear that this kind of language is going to result in negative social repercussions, even if my ego is right about freedom of speech/expression. I also understand that even if she personally doesn't care, that she may have friends who do, and therefore will not want to bring you around certain social groups of hers. Need to remember that a woman's need to be accepted by her peers and save face is a huge motivator for them.

 

[Squilliam]

I think it's normal for curse words to slip out if you're so used to using them.

I think it's just an incompatibility. Not to make things political but your posts make me think you lean more conservative. In my experience many of those social justice involved liberal girls are adamantly against dating/fucking or even being friends with people who show signs of leaning conservative.

Those words are slurs though and inevitably will offend some people. I think in this situation though, she's just not a good match for your political values.

Also I'm not trying to turn this into a political discussion, this site is for self improvement. I have no interest in having political debates here. Just giving my 2 cents because I've interacted with a lot of those left leaning girls.

 

[Brother_Tucker]

Firstly why do you care what other people think, your a solider and your going to let a FWB make you feel bad about yourself?

If she doesn't like you, fine another one will, you can let people opt out without changing who you are. You seem mad she's a white privileged girl that virtue signals, that's most of the dating pool and being angry at this is just shouting at the clouds.

You're probably right, if you've been reading too my Red Pill content you may have built up a lot of negativity. My advice would be for anyone who needs to use that space would be read the side bar and ignore anything posted in the main sub, if you're on married red pill, use the side bar and the own your shit weekly threads an noting else. Everything a person needs to un-fuck themselves is in the side bars, everything else is like the Aladdin's cave of wonders, if you take even a single coin your whole life can come tumbling down.

You can think as you want, but there are going to be repercussions when you use slurs out loud. Times have changed, but the person you are doesn't have to, just don't say the slurs and you you will be fine.

 

[Vice]

I think it's normal for curse words to slip out if you're so used to using them.

I think it's just an incompatibility. Not to make things political but your posts make me think you lean more conservative. In my experience many of those social justice involved liberal girls are adamant against dating/fucking or even being friends with people who show signs of leaning conservative.

Those words are slurs though and inevitably will offend some people. I think in this situation though, she's just not a good match for your political values.

Also I'm not trying to turn this into a political discussion, this site is for self improvement. Just giving my 2 cents because I've interacted with a lot of those left leaning girls

Yeah the bro culture in the military and forums like this tends to make that kind of language acceptable.

I personally center and transitioning away from politics, but have noticed over the recent years that women from both parties have become hypersensitive to certain key words, and especially the girls from the left tend to completely be intolerant and quick to dismiss men who they may perceive to have certain beliefs. I've had conservative women think I was a pussy because I like cats... can't fucking win in either direction lmao. I suppose part of it is knowing your audience.

I believe that as we all become better men, using slurs and swear words in general is something that is completely unnecessary. There's a segment in the 48 Laws of Power that says something along the lines of the common/low class man swears a lot. Looking at it from that perspective can maybe put a bandaid on my precious little ego.

 

[Vice]

Firstly why do you care what other people think, your a solider and your going to let a FWB make you feel bad about yourself?

If she doesn't like you, fine another one will, you can let people opt out without changing who you are. You seem mad she's a white privileged girl that virtue signals, that's most of the dating pool and being angry at this is just shouting at the clouds.

You're probably right, if you've been reading too my Red Pill content you may have built up a lot of negativity. My advice would be for anyone who needs to use that space would be read the side bar and ignore anything posted in the main sub, if you're on married red pill, use the side bar and the own your shit weekly threads an noting else. Everything a person needs to un-fuck themselves is in the side bars, everything else is like the Aladdin's cave of wonders, if you take even a single coin your whole life can come tumbling down.

You can think as you want, but there are going to be repercussions when you use slurs out loud. Times have changed, but the person you are doesn't have to, just don't say the slurs and you you will be fine.

I care because this slur thing has actively prevented me from getting laid. I also care because everything seemed fine until she dropped the message out of the blue, which makes me wonder if she was talking to her loser ass friends about me and they pressured her into dumping me.

Yeah, I've accepted that my dating pool is filled primarily with privileged girls that virtue signal. The main thing is to just avoid political discussions or anything politically polarizing. I focus primarily on economics, which is frequently at odds with policies on both political spectrums, which is a no-win for me. That can be filed under "being right" ego-masturbation. Besides, most people are financially illiterate so any discussion is going to be not only frustrating, but boring and the perfect dessicant.

I'll do what my ancestors did during Soviet times: just pretend to go with the party.

Lastly, the advice "just don't say the slurs and you you will be fine" is laughably elegant in how simple it is. I'm over here being a rocket psychologist because my return from deployment isn't going to include a hot sex session lmao

 

[Holden]

Girls will find whatever (flimsy) reason they fancy to drop you. That's why the advice for newbies on first dates is to let her do most of the talking. Girls screen you out very aggressively for all sorts of dumb reasons. There's a girl who didn't want to see me again because I'm not into cars. It's all a big game. Same with FWBs.

It also sounds like you had a bit of an argument with her when she dropped that message? Don't do that. You're always free to not reply.

I keep my political views private and I only talk about them with girls I've been seeing for a few months and even then there's nothing productive to be had in such a conversation. Discuss politics with your bros (or on message boards if you must) not with chicks.

That said, the profanity is going to trouble some girls whether you like it or not. Personally I make an effort to not curse around girls and people in general, except when getting beers with friends.

Why say "it's fucking cold" when you could say "it's freezing"? You get my point. I used to curse a lot and it's only when I met another guy who cussed in every sentence that I realized how obnoxious that behavior is. And I'm talking about "fucking" and "goddamnit", not active slurs like faggot etc.

When you're with girls, you're not with your military guys. It's considered good form to change your language according to the social situation you're in. It's actually a major turn off for me if a girl talks like a guy (bro, fuck, shit, cunt). Consider just making an effort to drop it. It has nothing to do with watching videos on LiveLeak lol.

 

[Brother_Tucker]

The slur stopped you from having sex with that one girl. Lets be honest, you're going to grab another one no problem in less than a week, its just a bit of hassle setting the date up.

Of course she told her friends, your probably shared your nudes to them too that's just how it goes. I read somewhere a texting rule is imagine that your message was on the big screen at a ball game, would you be embarrassed or would you get fired? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, probably don't send it or use it in a tinder profile.

But yea, stop over analyzing the situation, write this one off as a loss and find someone new don't rewrite your personality over a a FwB.

 

[Vice]

Girls will find whatever (flimsy) reason they fancy to drop you. That's why the advice for newbies on first dates is to let her do most of the talking. Girls screen you out very aggressively for all sorts of dumb reasons. There's a girl who didn't want to see me again because I'm not into cars. It's all a big game. Same with FWBs.

It also sounds like you had a bit of an argument with her when she dropped that message? Don't do that. You're always free to not reply.

Yeah, that's what I was suspecting; there was something else going on in the background. We didn't even have an argument lol I asked her for a favor while referencing something that I didn't like as "retarded".

I definitely sent a long message back to her that she read. I was essentially qualifying myself but at the same time owned it and didn't blame her. She hasn't responded, nor did I write the message to require one. I'm going to just leave it at that. She also unfollowed me, and I just find the whole thing frustratingly petty.

I keep my political views private and I only talk about them with girls I've been seeing for a few months and even then there's nothing productive to be had in such a conversation. Discuss politics with your bros (or on message boards if you must) not with chicks.

That said, the profanity is going to trouble some girls whether you like it or not. Personally I make an effort to not curse around girls and people in general, except when getting beers with friends.

All fair points. Emphasis on the "even then there's nothing productive to be had in such a conversation"; the only thing that could be positive from that kind of discussion is my ego getting stroked.

Why say "it's fucking cold" when you could say "it's freezing"? You get my point. I used to curse a lot and it's only when I met another guy who cussed in every sentence that I realized how obnoxious that behavior is. And I'm talking about "fucking" and "goddamnit", not active slurs like faggot etc.

When you're with girls, you're not with your military guys. It's considered good form to change your language according to the social situation you're in. It's actually a major turn off for me if a girl talks like a guy (bro, fuck, shit, cunt). Consider just making an effort to drop it. It has nothing to do with watching videos on LiveLeak lol.

All solid points.

I'd have to say that places like LiveLeak added to my anger/dark energy/negativity for the worse, but that's a whole different discussion. I think my life is better when I'm not consuming negative media like that. Thankfully that website was shut down. Consuming LiveLeak videos was a symptom of a deeper issue that I had.

 

[Vice]

The slur stopped you from having sex with that one girl. Lets be honest, you're going to grab another one no problem in less than a week, its just a bit of hassle setting the date up.

Of course she told her friends, your probably shared your nudes to them too that's just how it goes. I read somewhere a texting rule is imagine that your message was on the big screen at a ball game, would you be embarrassed or would you get fired? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, probably don't send it or use it in a tinder profile.

But yea, stop over analyzing the situation, write this one off as a loss and find someone new don't rewrite your personality over a a FwB.

Thanks man. I don't really share nudes but love the big screen idea.

When I get home from the deployment, this is going to motivate me to really hit the ground running. I'll compensate by doing under analysis, I'll probably be happier for it anyway lol

 

[Squilliam]

Yeah the bro culture in the military and forums like this tends to make that kind of language acceptable.

I curse a lot and I don't see the issue with it in most contexts. I avoid slurs though. Words like "fuck" and "shit", I'll use all the time though.

Some people may disagree with me, but I think it adds color, flavor, and emphasis to the sentence. Maybe it is unnecessary, but there are certain benefits to cursing like pain reduction. Studies have shown that using substitute words doesn't have the same effect.

I personally center and transitioning away from politics, but have noticed over the recent years that women from both parties have become hypersensitive to certain key words, and especially the girls from the left tend to completely be intolerant and quick to dismiss men who they may perceive to have certain beliefs. I've had conservative women think I was a pussy because I like cats... can't fucking win in either direction lmao. I suppose part of it is knowing your audience.

I believe that as we all become better men, using slurs and swear words in general is something that is completely unnecessary. There's a segment in the 48 Laws of Power that says something along the lines of the common/low class man swears a lot. Looking at it from that perspective can maybe put a bandaid on my precious little ego.

Yeah, that's true. Many girls on the left will box in men as conservative based on one or two opposing beliefs. It's happened to me before, and I'm left leaning.

I imagine the same often happens with conservative women too, but I don't have the personal experience to back it up. I've rarely encountered conservative women as I live in a very progressive area.

Also, many left-leaning girls will think you identifying as "center" means you're a closeted right-winger.

Honestly you should just avoid politics until you get to know them better.

 

[Dewm]

Funny how I could say “faggot” on stage in San Francisco and nobody got offended. Then I go to New York and all these other non faggots get offended. The whole thing is really retarded.

I’m sure if it’s not coming from a hateful place, you’re more than capable of thinking of something else to say. If it’s not meant as an actual slur and it’s something you just say then try just not saying “faggot” for 2 weeks. See how it goes.

 

[lacroix]

I think "faggot" is kind of strong but I do sort of like "retard" for the shock value, although sometimes saying it does make me feel like it's 2011 again. In my head it's not really a PC matter, so much as language has moved on and the kids have new slang these days.

If speaking like this is a core part of your personality probably better to just filter out the girls who don't like it. If you don't really care there probably are a handful of more sensitive girls who would be turned off by the abrasive language, especially in the early stages of getting to know each other

 

[Mr Available]

Girls screen you out very aggressively for all sorts of dumb reasons.

This seriously pisses me off, but I respect that by relying on my natural strengths. Introverted guy here who likes to lift, tan, and does other fun stuff.

OP, I feel for you. There's a saying you will never lose girls by chasing money but you will lose money chasing girls. I'm sort of balancing out running businesses with chasing women every now and then.

 

[somethingaboutstars]

d.

So guys, can someone help me find a positive angle and mindset to changing my behavior?

At the end of the day I think the question is whether or not you give a fuck about the people around you.

If someone says you wearing a purple jacket is making them want to kill themselves then, yes, I would agree that there is clearly something going on with them that has very little to do with the way that you've chosen to behave in the world.

That being said, the question remains: are you going to keep the jacket on, or not?

If they kill themselves, it isn't your fault. At all. You don't have to be concerned about whether they kill themselves or not. It's none of your business, it has nothing to do with you, and the fact that they're being driven towards that decision has a lot more to do with them than it does to do with you.

But are you going to take the jacket off, or not?

Words like retard and faggot, regardless of your intentions behind using them, cause a lot of people to have really powerful negative reactions - but it isn't _just_ that they're policing you or something - they legitimately feel uncomfortable when they hear them because they've been conditioned, at this point, by culture, to feel uncomfortable when they hear those words.

Many of them are feeling legitimate pain, in the form of discomfort, when they hear you say these things.

Not only is your language going to result in "negative social repercussions" but you are going to cause a number of people legitimate pain. You are going to, by your actions, cause their life experience to become less pleasant for the duration of time you're in their presence using those words.

Maybe you think they're overly sensitive. Maybe you're right.

Maybe you should just hang out with people who don't care what kind of language you use. Maybe that number of people is rapidly diminsihing. Maybe that's only happening in certain communities or certain parts of the country.

Who knows.

Life is a balancing act between your own comfort and that of those around you. Nobody (in their right mind, at least) wants you to walk on eggshells around them, but a lot of people these days can't help their discomfort.

That's the best I can do for a positive angle.

If that's not positive enough, try using it as an opportunity to make someone's life experience even better. If you slip up and say "retard" or "faggot" correct yourself and use another word, or make up a nonsense word, and turn the whole thing into a joke. See if you can make someone laugh instead of making them* feel uncomfortable.

Just say, "hey, I grew up using this language, but I understand it makes some people uncomfortable and I really want to do better. I don't understand it, but I'm trying"

If someone gets mad at you after that kind of effort then fuck em


*read: by "making them" I mean "helping them" - since their discomfort is ultimately their problem and responsibility

 

[Vice]

Revisiting this thread, and I've gained a new perspective. Interestingly enough, it was from sleeping with women.

I ended up rematching with a woman that I matched with during the pandemic, and we finally went out.

Turns out that she works with teenagers with special needs.

After some discussion on this topic with her, I've come to a nuanced conclusion.

I asked her what her experience was like working with these types of people, and she said the experience is "beautiful". She spoke with so much passion and regard for who she looked after.

And it made me feel like an asshole for using that word. Many of those kids understand that they are not normal, and combined with the shitshow of your hormonal teenage years, it can be quite a lot for everyone involved to handle. They didn't choose to be that way. Their parents didn't either. And they often struggle with the rapid changes their body is going through. And they have had to deal with assholes for their entire lives who would bully them or do other fucked up things to them.

Another woman I'm seeing has her masters in psychology, and works with younger children with developmental challenges. Her ultimate goal is to open a center for autistic children. She shared a similar sentiment.

It's difficult to describe, but there was a sense of purity, a sense of light, SOMETHING going on with these women that sparked a change for me. And I did some raunchy things with these women, so it's not about them being "pure" in that sense, whatever that means.

On a similar vein, the "F" slur has a similar concept. Many men and women have had that word used against them. One of my good friends is a lesbian, and she explained her struggles to me succinctly. Same with a few dudes I work with. They would grow up confused, angry, scared, feeling like they were hiding something.

There's something to be said of being more deliberate with your thoughts, words, and actions. Using certain language is a "tell" about what kind of person you are. I believe it's similar to when I see someone level themselves in social situations by saying the words "alpha/beta male" or other edgelord buzzwords. Perhaps it's an indicator of empathy? You can be empathetic without appearing to be a pussy, which was a concern of mine when I was younger. On the contrary, I've noticed that women would become more attracted to me. It would help round out my rougher edges. I've noticed women MELT when I lavish attention and love to animals (especially when I ignore them in favor of the animal). Hell, I bring their animals treats from overseas to feed them and they absolutely tell all their friends. My own mother, after me bringing the entire family exotic gifts from my overseas military deployments, would first tell her friends that I dragged cat food from overseas just for our cat and they were absolutely amused by this; more so than the cool gifts I brought them. Go figure.

This goes deeper than "being able to say what I want" or "having my language controlled", but I'm struggling to describe how so. You can certainly say what you want, but there are also social ramifications for doing so.

I consider myself no longer conflicted, and understand what happened. Sometimes you need to take an L to learn a valuable lesson. This one woman leaving me resulted in an exponential increase in women once I understood the lesson the universe was putting upon me.

In fact, I think it's a good idea to reach out to these women to let them know how they helped me grow.

 

[Keros]

Beautiful, champ. Top-notch introspection and willingness to change lead to personal growth and a better world for you and everyone you know. Well done, truly.