Don't be like me:
The toxic ex is the reason for all of my relationship anxiety, anxious attachment style, etc. I continued speaking to her up until somewhat recently. Soon after my previous post, the toxic ex asked me for advice about the relationship she was currently in with a "boy she really liked". They have a mismatched sex drive and she finds the thought of having sex with him disgusting. We spoke at length, but I told her that she should get therapy for it. Being the type of person she is, I know she didn't get it. In April, she posted a picture of her and this boy on instagram. It's the same guy she was dating before me. The same guy she cheated on because she couldn't get herself to leave him. The same guy that never could cum during sex and had to finish himself, which killed her self-esteem and sex-drive. The same guy that sexually assaulted her and stalked her after they broke up the first time. And, as it turns out, the problem she came to me with is about the same person she had that problem with. She posted engagement photos with him on Friday. The only people who know any of this, in addition to myself, are the readers of the post and the friends I've spoken to the last few days. My last few days have not gone well. A lot of the feelings I thought were resolved were absolutely not, but I'm trying to work on it. I've since blocked both her and him on all social media so there's no chance I see any of their posts anywhere again.
Don't be like me, you *have* to cut your losses with exes. She's not even trying and she's fucking my brain. Meanwhile, that poor sob doesn't know about any of it and probably thinks her lack of sex drive is because of her and not because of him. As she told me a long time ago, she's not usually a "slutticus maximus" around boys but I affect her.
Anyway, I've been seeing a great girl since NYE. While I have my concerns, they are few in number. She ticks off a lot of my boxes and has been supportive of me through this whole ordeal, awful details and all. I owe it to her and myself to remove my addiction to my toxic from my life. Don't let a woman become your only source of happiness. It happened to me and has been destroying my life for 3 years.
~~~
Below is a more detailed explanation of everything. Some is funny, some is sad. Just, don't be like me. I know this is mostly a dating forum, but you really need to watch out for yourself from women like this:
About 6 years ago, I started talking to and eventually dating a girl, K. She was 3 years my junior. Exciting relationship early on, had some issues, instead of working on them I just accepted them and carried the weight myself. Most of the context here isn't entirely relevant, but I should've broken it off with her at least two times that would've changed future events for the better, I would think. Her importance is a lot longer than this paragraph it but it's not really important to the current dilemma.
In august 2018, I started my MS here for the program I'm in right now, saw a girl at orientation that I thought was overwhelmingly cute. Wound up being in my tiny degree program and not the other ones. We didn't talk for a year outside of in the classroom, but we did when we had a class that required us driving summer 2019. I offered her a ride back the first day since she didn't have a car. We talked, nothing questionable. Gave her another ride the next time, then we started talking on groupme (which is where our class group chat was), moved to other forms of communication, eventually snapchat, instagram, text, google hangouts, etc. I had been eyeing her for the majority of a year because she was exactly my type in every respect. Well, turns out I was hers, too, as she showed me some texts from september 2018 where she was telling a friend of hers about it. I was still seeing K, and she just broke up with her bf, J, a couple months prior. She cheated on J the summer prior to get herself to dump him but couldn't do it. Through their 2+ year relationship, she said he never was able to finish unless he was jerking himself off, so that killed her self-esteem and made her want to be celibate. We discussed it and thought he was gay. This flipped 180 degrees over the summer and she told me I made her feel 18 again (she was 23 then) and constantly thinking about fucking me. I tried breaking it off with K because I had been unhappy for a while and had this other girl who was interested in me but K wanted to try to fix things and I folded and let her try. I wound up cheating on K several times a week for about 2 months. She never really found out the extent of it, but we did break up when I lied about where I was. That stuff isn't too important, but we remained close and she stayed a good friend.
H and I had a rocky relationship for various reasons, but it started when she felt like a side piece for too long and I wasn't making any moves to end it with K. She was seeing me and another guy casually for a few weeks after K and I broke up, then we were exclusive for about a month and a half, then she went to visit her family in Texas and dumped me after getting back. Apparently, she had gotten coffee with J and he convinced her to try things again. They didn't get back together as she said it felt off and whatever else. Oh, he also sexually assaulted her that summer at some point and stalked/creeped on her several times, going so far as to leave stuff on her apartment doorknob. We got back together for a few months, did distance for a little after graduating, I came to visit her in another state when she went for an interview, broke up with me the day after we got home. She always had excuses for why she couldn't see me before that interview, really broke my heart. While we were still dating and in the same town, I'm pretty sure she cheated on me with another guy who was giving her attention and ended up dating him for a few months over distance after we broke up. That entire sub-story is hilarious but I know you don't have time for it.
After we broke up, we continued talking and frequently having raunchy conversations. She came back in town a month after we broke up for things unrelated to me. Hung out one day, went on a hike, napped together. Other day she came over, similar stuff, cuddled on my couch, flirted on my bed, ate and fucked her ass, took her back to the airport. The sexual chemistry was always 10/10 throughout the entire time we were talking and I was very in control of that dynamic. Some other youtubers have mentioned it, but it's like we were genetically made to fuck. She eventually gets together with the dude from the previous paragraph, continues texting me, having raunchy conversations, nudes, etc. Breaks up with him, we keep talking, gets together with yet another guy from her past, eventually dumps him, blocks me on most things, we don't talk for 4 months. I reach out a while later (now to summer 2021), we talk for a bit, I get anxiety, we stop talking, start and stop a few times, some conversations here and there, I'm developing feelings for her again that I thought I had put aside, she's not interested.
In october/november 2021, she tells me she's seeing someone and she really likes him but that she has some problems she wants to talk to me about. Turns out, they don't have similar sex drives. She had mentioned a few times that she felt she wasn't interested in dating or having sex anymore because she values her career (LOL) and feels she's above having sex with boys. I told her it's because she doesn't respect them and hasn't found a daddy (true). I didn't ask who the guy was that she was seeing, but she essentially said that she was disgusted at the thought of having sex with him and only sometimes did it so he doesn't feel bad (which is super weird if you've been dating a few months). Asked her about trauma, no trauma. Suggested therapy, she said she'll figure it out. Said she wanted to be respected but also degraded, said she had a low sex drive but that it was also disproven by me when we were seeing each other. She said it's uncomfortable to have a partner whose sex drive doesn't match yours, to which i said "or a partner that won't nut", and she said "lol a partner that isn't gay", all of which was referring to J from the past. At some point after we broke in early 2020, she even sent me a snapchat with her holding a small baby carrot with the caption "J nostalgia".
In april or so, I see on her instagram a picture of her and a guy. I realize it's J, from before. You know, the guy she cheated on, that made her feel awful about herself, that she was already disgusted by beforehand and that never changed. I called a few friends to vent. Well, on july 1st, they got fucking engaged. My brother in Christ, I am witnessing this absolute trainwreck, but I'm still not really entirely over her. i spent the next several days talking to all of my closest friends and family about it. whenever i've needed support for something related to H in the past, I was always able to go to H. She was my poison but also my cure. Now, that possibility is gone and life just hasn't felt real since.
On New Years, I started seeing a girl I met through Bumble but we were also in a school club together. She checks a lot of boxes off. Feminine, polite, supportive, reasonably attractive, smart, cleans my place without me asking, feeds my guinea pigs without me asking, plays with them, has open dialogue with me if something is wrong, doesn't cause me any anxiety, that kind of thing. The only issue is there isn't that spark I had with K or H. I haven't asked her to be my gf or anything, we've just been "casually" seeing each other a few times a week, going to the gym, watching shows, sleeping over, etc. There was a period where I wasn't sure if I should continue because of that lack of spark. Yes, I know this is exactly the kind of bullshit many coaches decry in decry videos when women do it, but it just doesn't feel right.
I spoke to my property manager for 2 hours the other day about this. He's a gay man in his 50s, but had some really similar life experiences, even to the H one. What I found was that I'm angry. I'm angry that these people have this fake happiness. She can say she's happy all she wants, but she really values her appearance and he makes her feel ugly. He doesn't know about any of this shit because she's not the type to talk about it, she only talked to me about it because I was also a cheater and I made her comfortable to be open with me. I want that happiness for myself, but I want it to be real, and I don't have it.
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This has been written over a couple days, but I've been doing better, bit by bit. I've come to some of my own realizations. I spent a long time blaming myself for how I could've done things differently with H so that we would've still been together. But, it's clear that the little things she put on me weren't why. We just weren't the right people for one another. If she can get engaged to someone who stalked her, sexually assaulted her, and killed her self-esteem over a very long period, then she really just likes him for some womanly reason and there's nothing I've had in my power to ever change that. and that's okay. I've found someone who likes me for who I am, in spite of all of the absolutely dreadful things I've done, in spite of still having this trauma. I absolutely owe it to her.
If you read this far, I hope you picked up on something.
