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Dolan's log

dolan

Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Hi there. I'll try to keep updating this daily or every other day, not necessarily with goals but at least with what or how I'm doing every day with some relation to my goals as a whole.

Some quick background: bad approach anxiety, very little dating experience despite being in relationships for ~90% of the time since I was 16, not emotionally available because I've not really finished processing stuff that happened summer 2019, intellectual pillar of my life is fine, physical pillar of my life is fine, social pillar is ok (could use some work), romantic one is kinda shit right now.

1/25/21: normal day, gym was fine, felt pretty positive for most of the day, got a trash can (because I desperately needed one in my office), took less caffeine with my preworkout to see if i slept better (I did). was on the phone with my ex for about 20 minutes because she was worried her current bf was really mad at her because he asked her about a transaction we had on venmo.
1/26/21: stayed in bed for like 5 minutes this time (I'm usually in bed for > 30 minutes every morning), only 15 minutes fanning my feet while catching up on notifications (I waste a lot of time and specifically like to keep my feet warm with a hair dryer), ate breakfast and went to the gym soon after (I usually go after a late lunch, but I'm trying to go earlier). ex told me we probably needed to stop talking regularly now (as opposed to late march when she moved states), was pretty sad about it but managed. gym was fine but not the best (unsure if because of lower caffeine, warmer+more humid gym, sad from earlier, etc)

Obviously, my long-term goals are to fix some of the things I mentioned in my background. Outside of that, a long-term goal is either getting into a healthy relationship when I'm more able or finding a good FWB.

Some of the shorter-term goals (also with respect to some of the homework I've been given):
-strict press 225 (i'm pretty close, need another week or two). My avatar is a bit old (october 2019) and I'm ~30lbs heavier now. I'll probably go on a cut in a few weeks.
-try the "hitting on girls in person" template for a week to see if i need the approach anxiety program (or at least how much of it)
-update my wardrobe. it was suggested i go to an h&m or similar place to make some outfits myself, try them on, take photos, and post for feedback. i will probably do that later this week when i get a chance.
-continue trying to minimize the time i spend doing stupid shit
-bribe myself (or a similar method) to clean up my house a bit more

The short-term goals will evolve a lot more quickly than the long-term ones, and hopefully because I'm achieving them and need more short-term goals to fill their place.

If you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to see a quick summary of what I'll be up against.
 
Adam said:
Hey Dolan. Good to have you on the forums. Might be a good idea to focus in on one or two goals and make them specific. Sounds like you already have the habit of lifting regularly. If that's the case that may be something you can run in the background. When you say you'll try the hitting on girls in person template for a week, what exactly does that mean? Are you going to do some number of approaches in a week? Or just commit to walking around for half an hour each day with the intention of talking to a girl and asking for her number? It's important to define what exactly constitutes success and failure. And when will you try the template? Before the end of February?

Thanks for sharing your background. I'm sure it hurts that your ex wants to stop talking regularly, but that's probably best for you anyway. Gives you more incentive to meet new girls and make new friends since you don't have her to lean on.

As for the template, it's one of the ones Andy recommended that starts with something along the lines of "Hey I know this is a bit random but I thought you were cute and I wanted to say hi" and ends with asking for a number. I was gonna gauge how comfortable I am with approaching with something as simple as the template (which I didn't post the entirety of), and if I can't, then I'd do the approach anxiety program. I was going to try it this week, but got hit with some roadblocks that I'll comment separately as a little update to my log for the day.

The point about the ex is true, but it's just so hard. We'd been best friends for almost 4.5 years now and I'm not anywhere near as close to anyone else as I am with her. I thought I had moved on but I just got more attached earlier in 2020 and it's all just really, really awful.
 
small update:
late 1/26/21: i was pretty productive and did shit i really despise doing for about an hour while i was making dinner
1/27/21: slept like shit last night, drove 40 minutes to campus to have lunch with a good friend (which was nice) and go to a class. i think i saw < 20 people TOTAL in the time I was there, including time i spent sitting outside eating and walking to my actual class. most students are at home because most classes are offered online, so there's not much incentive for us to actually come to class. doing AA like this is probably going to be really tough just because of a numbers issue. got home, felt hopeless for a while because of missing my ex and related feelings, pulled through enough to distract myself with typing this up and talking to some friends.
1/28/21: decent day, slept well. gym went well, fixed some issues I had with my deadlift form. was pretty productive after I got home. the research project i'm sort of involved in is really interesting and i think that'll be a good motivator to invest myself in it. i was going to go shopping for clothes tomorrow but i'll probably be busy getting more material together for a meeting i have saturday morning. maybe i'll go shopping later on saturday.
1/29/21: slept well for half the night and not well the other. was okay in the morning, had a bit of a break down when i tried taking a nap because i was reminded of a gift my ex had gotten me, spoke to a friend on the phone for an hour and felt a lot better afterwards. i got an s21+ in the mail today, which is the first time i've ever gotten a new-new phone. looking forward to using it but i will have to wait til i get the charger, case, and screen protector from amazon. it's almost 5pm and i'm trying to decide between going to the gym and taking the time to do more research before a meeting i have tomorrow morning.
 
Took a few days off, nothing really noteworthy happened. Sprained my wrist on the 30th, was able to do a volume push day pretty easily a few days after but the sprain came back 2 days later when I was doing shoulders. It came back after I pressed 207.5x2, so I'm probably a week or two out from hitting one goal and I'll be cutting right after that. I've been squatting more (box squats, butt wink pretty much prevents me from doing it normally) and the leg gains have definitely improved my self-esteem at the cost of most of my pants not fitting anymore. I've spent a fair bit of time working on school stuff and cleaning up, so those goals are getting some work. The "talking to women more" one, unfortunately, is seeing the least improvement. I'll probably have to both do AA and intentionally go places where there are actually people, which isn't really anywhere I go currently.

I think the main thing I'll have to invest time in is updating my wardrobe and then to update my assortment of photos I use in the apps. I'd like to get at least some new clothes that fit well on me (which is usually the hardest part) by a week from now.
 
Been a minute since I posted here.

Developed some tricep tendonitis after coming back after the sprain, plateaud a bit with my weight+weights, and have been really busy with school.

What's more important, though, is a toxic person in my life cut herself out on my birthday. Around the same general timeframe, I was looking at myself in the mirror and thought, "okay, I can work with this". The new profile picture I'm using definitely does a shit job at showing what I'm content with, but it's a start.

What's even more important than being content with my appearance for the first time I can remember? Well, something clicked one day when I was driving to the gym. I usually listen to music, but I had my windows down and was instead just listening to the sounds of cars and nature (lol). I haven't talked about it on here from what I recall, but I've been dealing with negative thoughts about myself, my future, and stuff I've done since summer 2019. Without going too much into detail, I was able to think the bad thoughts without being brought down. For the first time in my life (well, we can exclude high school here since things were different back then), I'm alone but I don't feel lonely. The time I've been single since I was 16 (which isn't much time, for what it's worth) has been spent feeling like I need to be in a relationship to be happy, successful, or just able to make it through the day.

I'm not seeing anyone right now, and I don't really feel the need to (and I guess I'll write about this in a future post), but the time I do have is being spent on school, self-improvement (gym, relevant podcasts/videos), and a small social life.

For the few people who end up reading this, I hope that at least one person who is dealing with something similar gets something out of knowing that the misery and self-hatred do stop.
 
Still doing great, finishing up this semester.

I started my cut because I plateaud too hard on OHP with the volume + intensity I was hitting my shoulders and arms during the week. It's not worth pushing back being cut another month or so. I got a minor PR with bench (280x2).

Not too much else to update. I'll probably look into using dating apps more when I finish my cut and have a better selection of pictures to work with.
 
Well, it has definitely been a minute since I've updated this.

Good things? Got a haircut at some point. I've continued lifting regularly and have actually been motivated to go recently instead of the regular drive that stems from discipline and fear of what happens when I stop going. Switched to a bodybuilding split and have been hitting legs much more regularly. Some PRs including 225x12 for bench, 155x10 for strict press, and then piss-poor squat/DL PRs that I'll wait to note until they're respectable. I've continued working on my PhD and actually had my first publication (first author) accepted this morning. I started working at a big hospital near my school in my field as a part-time assistant kind of thing. Money is meh, doing it mostly for the references and resume buff. I've been improving my wardrobe with Radical's help. I'm looking to move into a place in the city in the coming weeks.

Really bad things? One of my guinea pigs passed away a few months ago. It's probably the toughest thing I've had to deal with from all of 2020 and 2021. He got really sick, I may have missed some early signs, the ER vets couldn't help him enough. I'm doing better now but I miss him a lot and think about him regularly.

Bad things? Some friends introduced me to a married woman. I've talked about this at length elsewhere, but the quickest tl;dr is that she's getting divorced as of recently, but I'm not pursuing anything because I know I am not interested in the drama that would come with it, despite her having a really good personality and a 10/10 body. Also because of her, I cut out some people I have been good friends with for a decade. This should be in the next section here, but there's not much to say. I started talking to the toxic person that cut herself out of my life. It was okay for a while, then it wasn't. The toxicity had gone both ways before and we made up initially, but it went back to me wanting to talk to her more than I should and her not wanting to put the effort. Of course, that's the correct play and I needed to stop investing as much time and thought much sooner. I definitely still having anxiety that comes from dating. Went on a date today with a pretty attractive chick. I absolutely do not have the requisite skills or experience right now to escalate physically or any of that shit that comes early on. Everything past that? Not a problem.

Improvements to the bad things? I'm not regularly thinking about the soon-to-be divorced woman like I was. I'm not waiting all day long to get replies from the toxic ex. My energy isn't sapped anymore by the friends I cut out.

A lot of my problems can be ameliorated by just having more women to talk to, but the anxiety I get from waiting just piles on and impacts parts of my life that I can't just put to the side, like lifting (I have trouble eating when anxious) and research. I'm definitely doing better than I was when I last posted. The list of bad things seems longer than that of the good things, but there's not much to write about the good things even though their impact on my life is much more pronounced than that of the bad things. Like, damn I'm doing so much better than I was early in 2021, and especially better than I was in 2020. When I look back on the things I did achieve in 2021, I know I'll be content.

As for those of you that read this far, I appreciate you reading even though we likely haven't interacted in any way. I wish you the best of luck on your own adventures and struggles.
 
Don't be like me:

The toxic ex is the reason for all of my relationship anxiety, anxious attachment style, etc. I continued speaking to her up until somewhat recently. Soon after my previous post, the toxic ex asked me for advice about the relationship she was currently in with a "boy she really liked". They have a mismatched sex drive and she finds the thought of having sex with him disgusting. We spoke at length, but I told her that she should get therapy for it. Being the type of person she is, I know she didn't get it. In April, she posted a picture of her and this boy on instagram. It's the same guy she was dating before me. The same guy she cheated on because she couldn't get herself to leave him. The same guy that never could cum during sex and had to finish himself, which killed her self-esteem and sex-drive. The same guy that sexually assaulted her and stalked her after they broke up the first time. And, as it turns out, the problem she came to me with is about the same person she had that problem with. She posted engagement photos with him on Friday. The only people who know any of this, in addition to myself, are the readers of the post and the friends I've spoken to the last few days. My last few days have not gone well. A lot of the feelings I thought were resolved were absolutely not, but I'm trying to work on it. I've since blocked both her and him on all social media so there's no chance I see any of their posts anywhere again.

Don't be like me, you *have* to cut your losses with exes. She's not even trying and she's fucking my brain. Meanwhile, that poor sob doesn't know about any of it and probably thinks her lack of sex drive is because of her and not because of him. As she told me a long time ago, she's not usually a "slutticus maximus" around boys but I affect her.

Anyway, I've been seeing a great girl since NYE. While I have my concerns, they are few in number. She ticks off a lot of my boxes and has been supportive of me through this whole ordeal, awful details and all. I owe it to her and myself to remove my addiction to my toxic from my life. Don't let a woman become your only source of happiness. It happened to me and has been destroying my life for 3 years.
~~~
Below is a more detailed explanation of everything. Some is funny, some is sad. Just, don't be like me. I know this is mostly a dating forum, but you really need to watch out for yourself from women like this:

About 6 years ago, I started talking to and eventually dating a girl, K. She was 3 years my junior. Exciting relationship early on, had some issues, instead of working on them I just accepted them and carried the weight myself. Most of the context here isn't entirely relevant, but I should've broken it off with her at least two times that would've changed future events for the better, I would think. Her importance is a lot longer than this paragraph it but it's not really important to the current dilemma.

In august 2018, I started my MS here for the program I'm in right now, saw a girl at orientation that I thought was overwhelmingly cute. Wound up being in my tiny degree program and not the other ones. We didn't talk for a year outside of in the classroom, but we did when we had a class that required us driving summer 2019. I offered her a ride back the first day since she didn't have a car. We talked, nothing questionable. Gave her another ride the next time, then we started talking on groupme (which is where our class group chat was), moved to other forms of communication, eventually snapchat, instagram, text, google hangouts, etc. I had been eyeing her for the majority of a year because she was exactly my type in every respect. Well, turns out I was hers, too, as she showed me some texts from september 2018 where she was telling a friend of hers about it. I was still seeing K, and she just broke up with her bf, J, a couple months prior. She cheated on J the summer prior to get herself to dump him but couldn't do it. Through their 2+ year relationship, she said he never was able to finish unless he was jerking himself off, so that killed her self-esteem and made her want to be celibate. We discussed it and thought he was gay. This flipped 180 degrees over the summer and she told me I made her feel 18 again (she was 23 then) and constantly thinking about fucking me. I tried breaking it off with K because I had been unhappy for a while and had this other girl who was interested in me but K wanted to try to fix things and I folded and let her try. I wound up cheating on K several times a week for about 2 months. She never really found out the extent of it, but we did break up when I lied about where I was. That stuff isn't too important, but we remained close and she stayed a good friend.

H and I had a rocky relationship for various reasons, but it started when she felt like a side piece for too long and I wasn't making any moves to end it with K. She was seeing me and another guy casually for a few weeks after K and I broke up, then we were exclusive for about a month and a half, then she went to visit her family in Texas and dumped me after getting back. Apparently, she had gotten coffee with J and he convinced her to try things again. They didn't get back together as she said it felt off and whatever else. Oh, he also sexually assaulted her that summer at some point and stalked/creeped on her several times, going so far as to leave stuff on her apartment doorknob. We got back together for a few months, did distance for a little after graduating, I came to visit her in another state when she went for an interview, broke up with me the day after we got home. She always had excuses for why she couldn't see me before that interview, really broke my heart. While we were still dating and in the same town, I'm pretty sure she cheated on me with another guy who was giving her attention and ended up dating him for a few months over distance after we broke up. That entire sub-story is hilarious but I know you don't have time for it.

After we broke up, we continued talking and frequently having raunchy conversations. She came back in town a month after we broke up for things unrelated to me. Hung out one day, went on a hike, napped together. Other day she came over, similar stuff, cuddled on my couch, flirted on my bed, ate and fucked her ass, took her back to the airport. The sexual chemistry was always 10/10 throughout the entire time we were talking and I was very in control of that dynamic. Some other youtubers have mentioned it, but it's like we were genetically made to fuck. She eventually gets together with the dude from the previous paragraph, continues texting me, having raunchy conversations, nudes, etc. Breaks up with him, we keep talking, gets together with yet another guy from her past, eventually dumps him, blocks me on most things, we don't talk for 4 months. I reach out a while later (now to summer 2021), we talk for a bit, I get anxiety, we stop talking, start and stop a few times, some conversations here and there, I'm developing feelings for her again that I thought I had put aside, she's not interested.

In october/november 2021, she tells me she's seeing someone and she really likes him but that she has some problems she wants to talk to me about. Turns out, they don't have similar sex drives. She had mentioned a few times that she felt she wasn't interested in dating or having sex anymore because she values her career (LOL) and feels she's above having sex with boys. I told her it's because she doesn't respect them and hasn't found a daddy (true). I didn't ask who the guy was that she was seeing, but she essentially said that she was disgusted at the thought of having sex with him and only sometimes did it so he doesn't feel bad (which is super weird if you've been dating a few months). Asked her about trauma, no trauma. Suggested therapy, she said she'll figure it out. Said she wanted to be respected but also degraded, said she had a low sex drive but that it was also disproven by me when we were seeing each other. She said it's uncomfortable to have a partner whose sex drive doesn't match yours, to which i said "or a partner that won't nut", and she said "lol a partner that isn't gay", all of which was referring to J from the past. At some point after we broke in early 2020, she even sent me a snapchat with her holding a small baby carrot with the caption "J nostalgia".

In april or so, I see on her instagram a picture of her and a guy. I realize it's J, from before. You know, the guy she cheated on, that made her feel awful about herself, that she was already disgusted by beforehand and that never changed. I called a few friends to vent. Well, on july 1st, they got fucking engaged. My brother in Christ, I am witnessing this absolute trainwreck, but I'm still not really entirely over her. i spent the next several days talking to all of my closest friends and family about it. whenever i've needed support for something related to H in the past, I was always able to go to H. She was my poison but also my cure. Now, that possibility is gone and life just hasn't felt real since.

On New Years, I started seeing a girl I met through Bumble but we were also in a school club together. She checks a lot of boxes off. Feminine, polite, supportive, reasonably attractive, smart, cleans my place without me asking, feeds my guinea pigs without me asking, plays with them, has open dialogue with me if something is wrong, doesn't cause me any anxiety, that kind of thing. The only issue is there isn't that spark I had with K or H. I haven't asked her to be my gf or anything, we've just been "casually" seeing each other a few times a week, going to the gym, watching shows, sleeping over, etc. There was a period where I wasn't sure if I should continue because of that lack of spark. Yes, I know this is exactly the kind of bullshit many coaches decry in decry videos when women do it, but it just doesn't feel right.

I spoke to my property manager for 2 hours the other day about this. He's a gay man in his 50s, but had some really similar life experiences, even to the H one. What I found was that I'm angry. I'm angry that these people have this fake happiness. She can say she's happy all she wants, but she really values her appearance and he makes her feel ugly. He doesn't know about any of this shit because she's not the type to talk about it, she only talked to me about it because I was also a cheater and I made her comfortable to be open with me. I want that happiness for myself, but I want it to be real, and I don't have it.
~
This has been written over a couple days, but I've been doing better, bit by bit. I've come to some of my own realizations. I spent a long time blaming myself for how I could've done things differently with H so that we would've still been together. But, it's clear that the little things she put on me weren't why. We just weren't the right people for one another. If she can get engaged to someone who stalked her, sexually assaulted her, and killed her self-esteem over a very long period, then she really just likes him for some womanly reason and there's nothing I've had in my power to ever change that. and that's okay. I've found someone who likes me for who I am, in spite of all of the absolutely dreadful things I've done, in spite of still having this trauma. I absolutely owe it to her.

If you read this far, I hope you picked up on something.
 
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