jakeD said:
@Zug is a perfect juxtaposition of a clean cut high functioning upper class dude who has a genuine dark side in the sack. Honestly I can see why chicks are digging that shit. Those are definitely probably the most raunchy reports I've ever read on this site.
Everyone has some darker/more shameful/hidden aspects to their sexuality. It really is important to spend some time actually analyzing and then looking at what you're into that is non-vanilla, less socially acceptable, weird, or evil. Let's be crystal clear about it though - not all of it should see the light of day, some thoughts and wants are so dark and the only place they belong is in your head. Even there, you shouldn't stoke those fires. The thoughts will come unbidden, and that doesn't make you a bad person, but its your responsibility to not dwell on them.
The real work comes in recognizing which ones CAN see the light of day, and how to responsibly do it. You need to stop hiding them and bring them to the surface. I've seen a lot of girls with dark desires that are incredibly sexually open and promiscuous, yet completely unable to accept that part of themselves or even talk about it.
You need to be able to talk about anything you're willing to do, and you need to be willing to do anything you can talk about. The darker desires do need some pruning, some parts of them don't work, but a lot of it actually does. Once you've done that you need to incorporate that part of you into your baseline personality and not treat it as some separate persona. That really is the critical piece - putting that shadow side in order so that you can incorporate it into yourself fully....and actually have it fit in. You need to remain congruent afterwards, and that may mean removing 'good' parts of yourself that are false projections.
My strategy was to try new things, and continuously take everything 1-3% further than I did last time.
Then pay attention to the results. Slowly building both my breadth of experience and confidence. In a year and a half, I think I only had 2 incidents where I felt I went too far. Even then, I didn't do any actual harm, because the increments were so small it just moved into suboptimal instead of harmful. When women see that your shadow (the darker side of your sexuality) is actually integrated, they also subconsciously recognize that you're not "giving in" to some internal demon and going out of control, but that instead that you're still present and comfortable with who you are and what you want. There will be a subcommunication of genuine confidence, and this allows them the trust necessary to feel safe participating with you.
My general philosophy is that I eventually want a monogamous LTR, and the ONLY way that is ever going to work is if the sex stays dynamic and sufficiently stimulating. The ONLY way that's going to happen is if you can both satisfy your actual desires, at least occasionally (there's more to life than hedonism, but total deprivation is bs). Too many people focused on LTRs do not place anywhere near enough emphasis on how important a strong sex life is to maintaining it.
Becoming super vanilla because you're trying to be a real adult isn't accepting responsibility, it's abdicating your responsibility out of fear. It is highly uncomfortable to do the work necessary so that you and your partner (casual or LTR) can both get what you actually need. People always say this requires communication, which is true, but 90% of that communication is you communicating with your shadow, not you communicating with your partner.
Last tip is you need to allow that incorporated shadow side to manifest outside the bedroom, at least occasionally. Let some amount of dirty talk, D/s dynamic, or physicality come out in public if the scenario is right. When I made that last change I really noticed a big shift in relationship dynamics.
