- Joined
- May 21, 2022
- Goal
- Serve
- Age
- 30
6 months ago I decided to start participating in the BDSM community in Austin. Zero people knew me at all. 3 months ago I decided to start and lead my own meetup group within the community. Yesterday I held my first event/party.
Now as I’m writing this I will use examples that are specific to what I did in the BDSM community, which is inherently a hyper sexual environment. However, don’t be fooled in thinking that some of these items don’t carry over to any and all social environments. Understand them as examples of larger, underlying strategies that work in any environment.
Step 1: Learn the landscape
The greatest generals don’t just rush into a foreign landscape with zero prior knowledge of the terrain or people and expect to win the battle. Instead they gather intel about the environment before ever taking their first action.
When you first enter a social environment you want to do the same. Go in just as an observer, studying the people and the social hierarchy in how this system works.
Specifically, learn:
There are two options that work well for this stage. Either may work for you depending on your own personality and skills.
Option 1: Go for the head of the snake
In choosing this strategy you’re aiming to enter into the community by allying with the top of the hierarchy.
When I entered the BDSM community I found the biggest event in my city, the one that all the other groups take part in, and volunteered in order to meet and ally with the people who are running the event.
This strategy works well for my personality for a few reasons.
Now I also happened to take this one step further by befriending a few of the more attractive people in the top of the community and regularly being seen hanging out with them. In this case, OF Girl and her friend group which I have wrote about sitting in the exact middle of the club with and getting plenty of attention from onlookers.
Option 2: Start on the outskirts an work your way in
Your other option is to infiltrate in the smaller groups on the outside and use the power of gossip to make word of entering in the community. You start going to many of the smaller events, befriending people there, adding value to those groups, and word eventually travels as you meet more people. This way, by the time you make it to the center, the top people already know who you are and have heard a lot about you.
I know less about using Option 2 because I’ve always used Option 1. Does not mean that 2 is less effective. What’s important is to understand your own psychology and how that will play with others.
Step 2: Find the dissatisfied people
Every revolution starts by listening to, understanding, and empowering the very people who feel they have been ignored, misunderstood, and disempowered. These people are high on emotion and emotion is energy. Energy you can turn into momentum for your cause.
As you begin talking with others (yes you have to talk to people!) you will ineviblty hear about what they really don’t like about the community. People like to bitch. Instead of getting annoyed with that, listen to their complaints. Empathize with them. They are feeding you valuable knowledge that will help you build the foundation for your own social circle.
Specifically, find out:
Don’t ask them how they would want the system changed. They don’t know. If they did, they would change it. That’s your job as a leader, not theirs.
As I started talking with people in the BDSM community I learned that people really didn’t like that all the munches were up north or on the outskirts of town. They also said that Shrine is really cool, but they wished there was more play parties and that they were a little smaller. Additionally, the group that catered to the 18-35 yo range here had mixed reviews and was not necessarily that great.
Step 3: Plan your group
Now that you understand the system and the parts of the system that people don’t like, it’s time to make your intervention. But before you just do it all willy nilly like, you need to plan it correctly. This is so crucial, because once something is in place and gaining momentum, its hard to turn around.
As you decided the rules and dynamics, balance your needs with the needs of the community. If you focus too much on you and not enough on the people your serving, your group will not be valuable to them and they will not join. If you focus too much on them and not enough on your needs, you’ll burn out quick and hate running the group. The exact rules and dynamics you setup for your group is going to be HIGHLY variable based on the above two steps. So I’m going walk you through how I started mine.
First, location. I knew that I wanted to host my munch (kinky meetup) in the Southeast part of town.
Second, time. I highly recommend meeting weekly when first starting. The closeness of a relationship is proportionate to the amount of physical, in person time spent together. The more often they see you, the more they will begin to know, like, and trust you.
Third, rules. Think hard about these. They are hard to change once set. Don’t believe me, go try and change a law in your country. I’ll wait…………………….. just kidding I don’t have years to wait for you. You also want to make these simple and clear. I like to keep it to just three.
Here are the rules I set for the group and what I post on EVERY munch and event:
Forth, a name. Your name should be something easy to remember, easy to say to others, and signify what the group is about. An additional component for the BDSM community is picking something that is easy to say in front of vanillas (non kinky people) and they have no idea what it means. I chose to go with Young and Kinky, which we all shorten to YAK. This means our branding is a Yak, we have a table marker that is a Yak plushy at the meetup, and at the event yesterday many of us wore fur as part of our fetish wear. You are creating a religion (or a cult) full of stories, symbols, and shared “isms”.
Five, technology. As much as possible you want your social community to be in person. That’s where to magic happens. However, you can leverage technology in order to keep everyone connected in between meetups. Our group uses discord which has these rules:
Step 4: Go recruiting
Once you plan your group, you need to start recruiting. This will be first done through external sources:
Your initial meetup might be small. That’s ok, it will grow with time. You will also get a surge of new people in the beginning, and then 2 or 3 newbies every week. Your job is to meet, greet, and make EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. That comes into the community feel welcome and special. Everyone should know who you are.
Example of me doing regular reach out:
Eventually your community is going to start growing to the point that you need some extra hands to run it. This is when you start internally recruiting and empowering those in the community that demonstrate they have skills or access to resources that will benefit you and the community.
Examples:
Step 5: Create social events
I’ll be honest, Step 5 and Step 6 are still fuzzy to me in terms of leveraging for getting laid. I’ve not yet mastered these AT ALL, and this all is a work in progress. So please take these with that in mind.
With that out of the way, meetups are really a way to meet people and start creating cohesion in the group. But if you want to actually leverage this group for getting laid and further exercising your leadership, I think you need to actually hold social events that get people active, not just passively talking to one another. And because you are the one running the show, you get to engineer serendipity.
Be fare warned though, you are going to be taking on a lot of responsibility in running an event. Even planning a simple birthday party is time consuming. So don’t think this is some easy, get pussy quick scheme. Nothing is. You’re on KYIL. You know this.
For my first event I planned a BDSM party which could have up to 75 people. I got 38 people to show up. Heres what I had to do to organize it:
I also personally vetted and spoke with each attendee beforehand for two reasons:
Which was really appreciated by attendees:
View attachment 1
During the event I did not partake in much of the activities because I was the one ultimately responsible for what was occurring. Doesn’t mean I got nothing out of it as I explain here.
Not all these events need to be grand. Even just getting everyone out to play volleyball can be a great way to build connection with target girls in your community.
Step 6: Reap what you sow
Uhhh, Brandon, when do we get laid?
Well, that depends on you. In the 6 months since I started this process I have not been laid once from it. That’s right, zero. Ok, I had a .5 with a virgin, but she didn’t want to go any further and was leaving the next day so I did not have the time to convert that one.
However this does not mean I did not have opportunities to do so. I know of three girls in my community, right now, that I could message and probably straight to the crib. With one of them who was already DM'ing me. However they are lower quality girls that I'm not that into.
As I state this next statement understand I am still new to this, so this is more theory than experience. I believe when you’re doing social game you are creating a bank account of reputation, and every time you take an opprituntity, you withdraw from that bank account.
So I could start withdrawing now, and take the lower quality easy girls, or I could wait until I’ve built enough social capital that the higher quality girls also become easy girls. Now it’s not like I’m sitting on some high horse saying you have to wait for the best of the best. If the quality of girls that I want to put effort into were throwing themselves at me, well I’d be making withdrawals. They are not necessarily doing that yet. But I’m starting to see it the potential for it.
Throughout this entire process you will managing your reputation. In social game, that is gold. I almost made a mistake with mine by being too naïve. So just be sure that whatever decisions you decide to make with taking action in your newfound social circle, its calculated for long term benefit. Still be bold, but don’t be an idiot.
I’m still learning how to leverage status, preselection, and the such for getting laid. But here’s been my field report so far. I made this a separate thread from my log in hopes that others can add to the steps, especially veterans who my be able to add insight to 5 & 6.
Now as I’m writing this I will use examples that are specific to what I did in the BDSM community, which is inherently a hyper sexual environment. However, don’t be fooled in thinking that some of these items don’t carry over to any and all social environments. Understand them as examples of larger, underlying strategies that work in any environment.
Step 1: Learn the landscape
The greatest generals don’t just rush into a foreign landscape with zero prior knowledge of the terrain or people and expect to win the battle. Instead they gather intel about the environment before ever taking their first action.
When you first enter a social environment you want to do the same. Go in just as an observer, studying the people and the social hierarchy in how this system works.
Specifically, learn:
- The lingo that people use.
- How people talk and relate to one another.
- What they value, hold in high regard, and celebrate.
- What they hate, shame, and exile.
- Who is at the top and bottom of the social hierarchy and why
There are two options that work well for this stage. Either may work for you depending on your own personality and skills.
Option 1: Go for the head of the snake
In choosing this strategy you’re aiming to enter into the community by allying with the top of the hierarchy.
When I entered the BDSM community I found the biggest event in my city, the one that all the other groups take part in, and volunteered in order to meet and ally with the people who are running the event.
This strategy works well for my personality for a few reasons.
- First, I’m competent & hardworking. Leaders are always looking for good help that they can give responsibility to and not have to worry about that person fucking shit up. You can further leverage this by doing jobs that no one else wants to do. By doing this, one of the leaders started introducing me to people in the community the very first night.
- Second, I’m relatively bold & confident in myself. When you enter into the ring with the top, especially when they have never seen you before, they are going to test you that you belong there. I did not pretend like I was some veteran, but instead humbled myself to them while at the same time remaining confident in myself that I did indeed belong there. This means just stating who you are in a matter of fact tone.
- Third, I’m friendly. When I get introduced around I’m quick to make friends with those people. Additionally I chose roles that allowed me to meet lots of people like working the front door checking people into the event. This means the community is repeatedly exposed to me being a part of this group.
Now I also happened to take this one step further by befriending a few of the more attractive people in the top of the community and regularly being seen hanging out with them. In this case, OF Girl and her friend group which I have wrote about sitting in the exact middle of the club with and getting plenty of attention from onlookers.
Option 2: Start on the outskirts an work your way in
Your other option is to infiltrate in the smaller groups on the outside and use the power of gossip to make word of entering in the community. You start going to many of the smaller events, befriending people there, adding value to those groups, and word eventually travels as you meet more people. This way, by the time you make it to the center, the top people already know who you are and have heard a lot about you.
I know less about using Option 2 because I’ve always used Option 1. Does not mean that 2 is less effective. What’s important is to understand your own psychology and how that will play with others.
Step 2: Find the dissatisfied people
Every revolution starts by listening to, understanding, and empowering the very people who feel they have been ignored, misunderstood, and disempowered. These people are high on emotion and emotion is energy. Energy you can turn into momentum for your cause.
As you begin talking with others (yes you have to talk to people!) you will ineviblty hear about what they really don’t like about the community. People like to bitch. Instead of getting annoyed with that, listen to their complaints. Empathize with them. They are feeding you valuable knowledge that will help you build the foundation for your own social circle.
Specifically, find out:
- Why are they dissatisfied
- What are their goals, desires, needs
Don’t ask them how they would want the system changed. They don’t know. If they did, they would change it. That’s your job as a leader, not theirs.
As I started talking with people in the BDSM community I learned that people really didn’t like that all the munches were up north or on the outskirts of town. They also said that Shrine is really cool, but they wished there was more play parties and that they were a little smaller. Additionally, the group that catered to the 18-35 yo range here had mixed reviews and was not necessarily that great.
Step 3: Plan your group
Now that you understand the system and the parts of the system that people don’t like, it’s time to make your intervention. But before you just do it all willy nilly like, you need to plan it correctly. This is so crucial, because once something is in place and gaining momentum, its hard to turn around.
As you decided the rules and dynamics, balance your needs with the needs of the community. If you focus too much on you and not enough on the people your serving, your group will not be valuable to them and they will not join. If you focus too much on them and not enough on your needs, you’ll burn out quick and hate running the group. The exact rules and dynamics you setup for your group is going to be HIGHLY variable based on the above two steps. So I’m going walk you through how I started mine.
First, location. I knew that I wanted to host my munch (kinky meetup) in the Southeast part of town.
- Gain for them: Close to central Austin, not many munches are in this area, and people wanted one down here.
Gain for me: I can walk to my munch every week
Second, time. I highly recommend meeting weekly when first starting. The closeness of a relationship is proportionate to the amount of physical, in person time spent together. The more often they see you, the more they will begin to know, like, and trust you.
- Gain for them: Weekly group of friends they don’t have to plan anything with. It’s already happening. These friend also become close very quickly.
- Gain for me: I rapidly gain trust. Additionally, more meetups means I can recruit more newcomers more often.
Third, rules. Think hard about these. They are hard to change once set. Don’t believe me, go try and change a law in your country. I’ll wait…………………….. just kidding I don’t have years to wait for you. You also want to make these simple and clear. I like to keep it to just three.
Here are the rules I set for the group and what I post on EVERY munch and event:
- You're 18-35.
- You're friendly and welcoming of others. We want this to be a warm environment. Bad actors and consent violators won't be tolerated.
- Have fun and be sociable in real life! In a world becoming ever more digital, it's important to get out and actually meet people. Besides, that's where the good stuff happens anyways.
- Gain for them: I’m creating a safe and socialable environment for people to feel psychologically safe to express their sexuality. Many newcomers in BDSM get intimidated by older, more experienced people who push “the way things are done” on them. Consent if extremely important to the community. And finally, although we live on computers, these people are CRAVING to do things with others in real life.
- Gain for me: I get more exclusive access to younger girls without as much competition, plain and simple. They also see me as someone who is safe and not a threat. Additionally my social skills are higher than other men in the same bracket, further minimizing competition.
The result of these rules has allowed many first timers to enter into the scene through my group. Those people then remember my group the most and tell others about it because I was their first.
Forth, a name. Your name should be something easy to remember, easy to say to others, and signify what the group is about. An additional component for the BDSM community is picking something that is easy to say in front of vanillas (non kinky people) and they have no idea what it means. I chose to go with Young and Kinky, which we all shorten to YAK. This means our branding is a Yak, we have a table marker that is a Yak plushy at the meetup, and at the event yesterday many of us wore fur as part of our fetish wear. You are creating a religion (or a cult) full of stories, symbols, and shared “isms”.
Five, technology. As much as possible you want your social community to be in person. That’s where to magic happens. However, you can leverage technology in order to keep everyone connected in between meetups. Our group uses discord which has these rules:
- Attend a munch and get access to our community's private discord full of secret events, lewds, and answers to all your kinky questions.
- The internet can also be a weird place. So we like to vet those that join our community by actually meeting them in person. If you wish to join our discord or attend our events, you'll first need to come to a munch.
Step 4: Go recruiting
Once you plan your group, you need to start recruiting. This will be first done through external sources:
- Online listings: Depending on your group type, there will be certain listing places that will serve you best. For example, in the business world meetup.com will work well. In the BDSM community, Fetlife is the go to place.
- Other meetups: Before my first munch I went to a couple other munches and made announcements (with that leaders blessing) that I was holding my first one the following week. As my munch has grown, I continue to promote it at other munches and events.
- Friends: Remember all that networking you did talking to those unsatisfied people? Nows the time to let them know you created something that will satisfy them. In the BDSM community we use FetLife to stay in touch. I always add people I meet at other events on there and they see me in their feed creating events every week.
Your initial meetup might be small. That’s ok, it will grow with time. You will also get a surge of new people in the beginning, and then 2 or 3 newbies every week. Your job is to meet, greet, and make EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. That comes into the community feel welcome and special. Everyone should know who you are.
Example of me doing regular reach out:
Eventually your community is going to start growing to the point that you need some extra hands to run it. This is when you start internally recruiting and empowering those in the community that demonstrate they have skills or access to resources that will benefit you and the community.
Examples:
- A college age girl in my community that spends a lot of time online and at other events said she was good at discord sever building. So I let her build our discord and empowered her to manage it. I hardly touch the thing, but my community gets to keep in touch and further foster connection.
- Another girl in community is deeply connected with performers, artists, djs, and event people and has a background in theater. When I started planning the first event I immediately reached out to her to ask if she wanted to help. She was over the moon excited about it. In turn she introduced me to a dj, performers, and photographer for our first event.
Step 5: Create social events
I’ll be honest, Step 5 and Step 6 are still fuzzy to me in terms of leveraging for getting laid. I’ve not yet mastered these AT ALL, and this all is a work in progress. So please take these with that in mind.
With that out of the way, meetups are really a way to meet people and start creating cohesion in the group. But if you want to actually leverage this group for getting laid and further exercising your leadership, I think you need to actually hold social events that get people active, not just passively talking to one another. And because you are the one running the show, you get to engineer serendipity.
Be fare warned though, you are going to be taking on a lot of responsibility in running an event. Even planning a simple birthday party is time consuming. So don’t think this is some easy, get pussy quick scheme. Nothing is. You’re on KYIL. You know this.
For my first event I planned a BDSM party which could have up to 75 people. I got 38 people to show up. Heres what I had to do to organize it:
- Secure a venue that allowed sexual acts, nudity, and loud music
- Secure performers and dj
- Put up my own money for everything
- Promote and sell tickets
- Gather and direct volunteers to help setup, teardown, and run the event
I also personally vetted and spoke with each attendee beforehand for two reasons:
- To introduce myself
- Make sure it’s a safe space for all those involved
Which was really appreciated by attendees:
View attachment 1
During the event I did not partake in much of the activities because I was the one ultimately responsible for what was occurring. Doesn’t mean I got nothing out of it as I explain here.
Not all these events need to be grand. Even just getting everyone out to play volleyball can be a great way to build connection with target girls in your community.
Step 6: Reap what you sow
Uhhh, Brandon, when do we get laid?
Well, that depends on you. In the 6 months since I started this process I have not been laid once from it. That’s right, zero. Ok, I had a .5 with a virgin, but she didn’t want to go any further and was leaving the next day so I did not have the time to convert that one.
However this does not mean I did not have opportunities to do so. I know of three girls in my community, right now, that I could message and probably straight to the crib. With one of them who was already DM'ing me. However they are lower quality girls that I'm not that into.
As I state this next statement understand I am still new to this, so this is more theory than experience. I believe when you’re doing social game you are creating a bank account of reputation, and every time you take an opprituntity, you withdraw from that bank account.
So I could start withdrawing now, and take the lower quality easy girls, or I could wait until I’ve built enough social capital that the higher quality girls also become easy girls. Now it’s not like I’m sitting on some high horse saying you have to wait for the best of the best. If the quality of girls that I want to put effort into were throwing themselves at me, well I’d be making withdrawals. They are not necessarily doing that yet. But I’m starting to see it the potential for it.
Throughout this entire process you will managing your reputation. In social game, that is gold. I almost made a mistake with mine by being too naïve. So just be sure that whatever decisions you decide to make with taking action in your newfound social circle, its calculated for long term benefit. Still be bold, but don’t be an idiot.
I’m still learning how to leverage status, preselection, and the such for getting laid. But here’s been my field report so far. I made this a separate thread from my log in hopes that others can add to the steps, especially veterans who my be able to add insight to 5 & 6.
