My first date with someone other than my primary was Wednesday and I was nervous as fuck going into it.
Met her on Feeld, couple quick messages checking each other's vibe, a few reschedules, and here we are.
I had therapy earlier that day and we discussed what a crazy enhanced state this puts me in. I tend to unconsciously seek comfort, but when I consciously step into discomfort and growth, everything changes. From the time I woke up until after my date ended around 4pm, everything was more vibrant. Songs had more meaning. Conversations had more meaning - I chose to dive deep instead of keeping it easy and light. Time moved slower. It wasn't comfortable, but it was fucking LIVING.
I arrive at the coffee shop a few minutes before, scan the place, she's not there. Start to feel a little awkward and instinctively head to the bathroom - they are both occupied. I can feel myself getting in that stifled and self-conscious state of "I wonder what the baristas are thinking". Of course, they don't give a fuck what I'm doing.
Before the bathrooms open, she walks in.
She's a bit more"granola" than I expected, even though I was expecting her to be a bit hippy and nerdy. Her hair is back in a bandana. Wearing glasses that are a little rainbow colored, somehow. She's tall, like 5'11''.
She's all smiles, we hug, I ask her if I can buy her drink. I go for green tea, she does a chai latte.
After we sit down, I am still a bit nervous, but I'm zoned in and aware. Miles ahead of where I used to be 4 years ago. I notice myself leaning forward and her leaning forward. I notice how loudly she is talking in coffee shop where there are about a dozen other people who are all working, notice my cringing and embarrassment, and then relax by reminding myself that she doesn't represent who I am and she is not a part of my identity. Still kind of annoying though.
I also notice her full lips and great teeth - I love a good mouth. I notice her she laughs silently and bobs up and down a little like a video game character. She's a software engineer and it shows by how she talks, how she prides herself on her logical mind, and how flattered she is every time I say "fascinating" or "interesting".
I let her do the talking for the first 20ish minutes, and then I unconsciously start to want to express MYSELF. In retrospect, I got a little in my ego here and would have been fine hearing more about her. I tell her a bit about my life coaching business and what it's like to coach people and she asks great follow-up questions and is engaging. She is a good conversationalist.
We chat for about 30-40 in the coffee shop and then I ask if she wants to walk around. I feel my energy freeing up a bit as we walk outside. In the coffee shop, even though I noticed myself leaning in, it felt fine and I stayed like that most of the time. She did too. I was a bit stifled throughout. Probably like a 6/10 expressiveness and groundedness. Outside that nudged up to a 7.
We are chatting and walking pretty fast and it's great conversation, but a bit friendly. I can feel myself getting turned on, partly due to retention for a couple weeks prior - in the past it has been hard for me to feel my libido on first dates, but I've also been doing a lot of work in this area in my relationship, in men's group, in coaching, and in therapy. I keep glancing at her, and I'm wondering how the fuck I'll kiss close in the middle of a park when it's 50 degrees. Pulling isn't really an option - my partner said she wants to "ease into this" (I don't like her implicit claim of ownership on my dick, but how can I really respond to something like that?) and both of us live with our SOs.
I'm not even really planning that far ahead, but there is a little indoor plant museum thing and I take her in there. The energy slows down as we look at the plants. Great opportunity to lead, push pull, subtle body dynamics. I can face her fully, turn to the side, make eye contact. I'm not overthinking it, just noticing how we are interacting in this different environment.
In the second room I sit on a bench and she sits next to me. We go back and forth talking for a couple minutes. By the way, I've been doing the triangle gaze since we first sat down at the coffee shop - she's got great lips and I don't mind her seeing me glance at them every so often as we talk. So, I'm doing that a bit more here and I feel the tension build. Now, I'm not super embodied at this moment. I've been a bit heady, lots of logical talk, asking questions about her job, about her interests, etc. So, when this sexual tension is all of a sudden there and we are holding eye contact for a few seconds in silence, I look away and smile. I think it's probably endearing and it works fine for me, but it's also a little bit of breaking frame and not being able to hold the sexual energy in my body.
I tell her she's pretty. She says thank you. I ask if I can kiss her, she says yes. I kiss her. It's good. Slow, sensual, intimate. I feel myself getting aroused and I like it. She shyly asks about "logistics", since we both have partners. Wow. Forward. I fucking love it. And I also don't have an answer. There is about a week-long window in which my partner will be out during the day, and I say so.
Long term logistics for this lifestyle is something I will need to figure out. Boss up, scale my business, and get another apartment? Maybe. I could get an office in Seattle for $300-400 and just put a couch and a bed in there for pulling. Seems kinda crazy from my current frame of mind, but maybe that's the move. My girl isn't super into threesomes right now, despite us having an incredible one last December. But that girl was a 9. Maybe if I start pulling hotter girls, threesomes would be on the table and logistics could be solved. We will see.
We leave the plant place and walk around a bit more, then go up to this tower in the park where you can look out and not many people are up there. Some people leave and I see her glancing around as we are talking. I think she wants to kiss again, but I also feel fucking rusty after so long. I keep talking, and probably waste an opportunity for a quick blowjob. We can hear a family starting to come up the long stairs and I ask her if I can kiss her again.
Definitely cringe a bit thinking back to this. If there is a low point for me in the date, it was me asking to kiss her after she already said I could 20 minutes before. It was still fine and I felt her up a bit more, but I felt like a bit of a chump. Again, want to give myself kudos for doing it. For speaking and asking for what I want. The learning edge is being able to feel into the moment, be embodied, and ask her if she wants to kiss by holding my hand out or stepping towards her, instead of verbally like a little kid asking for dessert.
She's gotta go, we talk about plans, things look good.
I follow up and say I had a fun time, she says she did too. I make a joke, she actually lols in the text. But generally, our text vibe is pretty logical and not great. At last update, I sent her a reply to her last message, then another follow-up on something we talked about, and then a direct question she didn't respond to. My best theory for why I got myself in this position is wanting more validation from her. I think she can feel that. I am also used to being in a partnership and living with someone - that's the context my sexuality has been in for a long time now and little texts like this work really well for me with my partner.
I feel a bit butt hurt and find my ego monologuing about "respect" in my head. She's got a 3 person roster of dudes, two of which have their own place and one of which she lives with. She's probably somewhat interested in me and open to fucking, but doesn't have time for chit chat. She's probably like a 7.5-8.5 - although a lot of that for me depends on our sexual chemistry. She could be a 9 if we fuck well (at least theoretically - I feel like a newb again after such a long time with one girl, having some trouble orienting myself to what I want and what I can expect and that probably skews my ratings upwards).
I find myself losing a bit of interest - this could be: 1) me not wanting to fucking quadruple text and look like a fool, 2) me wanting to walk away from this with an easy "win" (a common mistake I made in the past which I have come to regret on many occasions), 3) I ejaculated yesterday, 4) this girl isn't the quality that I want to keep on a strict rotation in my ideal scenario and I could be getting ahead of myself by having unrealistically high expectations and unconsciously cock-blocking myself to protect my fragile identity.
My plan is to text her tomorrow or Monday and see if she want to go to a coffee shop near my place on Wednesday and then pull her back to fuck (a plan we already discussed, albeit a bit vaguely).
Overall, dope experience. It's a win no matter what. I feel a shit ton of momentum from blasting through the fear barrier and actually going through with this. I also feel a bit of staleness because my dating profiles aren't getting the quality of leads I would like and cold approach is scary. If all of my dates were like this would it be worth it? Maybe. But if I turn up my lead gen and start getting some 8s and 9s on dates consistently, damn it probably would be.
The emotional backdrop to all of this is that my partner isn't super excited about it. We've had an open relationship for years but I let the relationship default to monogamy. Fix: we are both reading "Sex at Dawn" together right now, which is a damn good book for encouraging non-monogamy.
She's got a date tomorrow and I honestly don't mind if she starts fucking other people. If it makes her feel better about me doing the same, then all's well. Holding her insecurity and anger with all this while also taking action through my own fear barriers is a lot. I feel confident and secure in our relationship and would gladly encourage her to date around (though she also doesn't seem to have much interest in that, tomorrow is an experiment).