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Living the dream/ Phase 1 - The first crossroads

OLD: All numbers hit. Date went fairly well but my sex drive was just not there. I think the anxiety I've been feeling is to blame. Was nice though and I actually wasn't nervous for this one. Reminded me I can generate options if I just put the work in.

Looksmaxxing:
All processes maintained

Been waking up with this crazy cortisol feeling and feeling super emotional, told the girl from the weekend how much fun I had and it seems to have calmed me down (yeah I've caught feels, fuck). I think having the woman from tonight be nice to me helped a lot too.
If all it takes for me to be happy is the pain of growth I can do that no problem.
 
Ahh fuck I've pulled, gotta tidy the fuck out of my room. Anticipating some nervous dick syndrome, hopefully some pills and bathmate will help. Wish me luck fellas I've been up since 5 and adrenaline is going crazy lmao
 
Pull, no lay but 1hr makeout session.
Just gonna fire off some thoughts.
She drove about 40mins to see me, went out into Oxford had a good time, got very physical waiting for the bus. Was weird, just touching her seemed to roll back so much pain, for some reason my brain seems to think physical touch = pain which is rough.
We went back to mine and she invited herself to my room lol. Made out on the bed for ages, I could only get a semi which was annoying. I feel like I just unlocked a core human experience.
Was very surprised to learn she's insecure, said I looked hot though which is great.
I'm way less impotent now but my sex drive has gone ffs.

Listened to one of Andys podcasts today about being on the same side as women and that's how I was today, she asked if I was nervous and I said yeah, she didn't like the drunk ppl on the bus home so I put my arm around her, basic shit that felt very healing. Told her she had me feeling weak like a chode too lmao.

My self worth has gone up loads, could see girls looking at us jealously when we were being intimate in public.

She has to get up at 6tm to teach some rugby so left, staying up cause she sais she'll text when she's back safe.

Gotta fix Mr pp I really want to give her a good time next time.

Been up since 5, new tinder photos tm. I want to do some CA drills in London tm too.
 
Had a funny old day.
Have been fasting since about 5pm yesterday and felt very restless.
Went to work to do weekend overtime and decided to go on a walk this afternoon to try to let my mind rest, ended up inviting the girl from Friday out as I wanted to show her some of my favourite stoner spots up this hill I'd go to in my early 20s.
We go up and sit at the top, I point out some stuff and kinda just chill out but it s pretty obvious she doesn't care and just wants to make out, she was too nicely dressed to walk up a hill anyway. It starts to rain and we go down to the car park and sit in her car watching some films. Start making out, this time I think I'm a lot better at it and and starting to understand what she likes, she starts moaning to I take control and start rubbing her pussy, this goes on for a while and I basically ended up fingering her, she was soaked and came when I bit her nipple, she seems to like giving instructions which is super helpful for me as I don't know what I'm doing haha.
She said she chose me out of all my friends which I appreciated but I don't really care about that stuff.
Big lessons though she responded really well to eroticism as well as the physical - I had to tell her I wanted her to come for her to do so.
Now comes the annoying part, she wanted to give me a hand job but my dick just didn't work, I don't expect to just be able to overcome damn near 30 years of pain and repression overnight but it did annoy me, makes me want to go on roids and dick pills, sex drive has yet to return.
Hard to feel bad though, the whole thing was spontaneous, I was only go for a relaxing walk but came back smelling of pussy and cigarettes and covered in scratch marks haha

Edit: forgot to mention she's been super understanding at how nervous/impotent Ive been which means so fucking much to me so I'm determined to reciprocate
 
MakingAComeback said:
LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH

GOOD JOB MY DUDE

MAC
Click to expand...

Thanks again dude, hard to beleive this is all cause I read your log 2 months ago 😂😂
 
Intense post but I need to write this stuff up. Hopefully there's others like me who will find this useful.

Broke my fast at 14:00, physiques
coming along very well when I get rid of the food bloat. Really the last time I ate properly was Friday night, since then I've had an apple and some fruit juice but about 48hrs fully fasted by the strict definition.
Got home from work, up since 05:00 after a late night. Adrenaline was high so I ran a very fast 5k, ended up wheezing by the end.
Had a sauna and a cold shower and was bulldozed by a wave of emotions, started crying like a baby, thoughts like 'there's something fundamentally broken about me' 'I'm ugly' 'the more I care about people the more it will hurt to loose them.' Dark despair type shit. I forced myself to stand up under the cold water and basically said just keep fucking trying, I'll become a cyborg if that's what it takes. I also reminded myself I'm on this journey to feel the full range of human emotions, instead of being a shut-down drone and that I'll take all the pain and never come to hate this world.
Texted the girl from last night to let her know I appreciated her more than she can imagine and she reciprocated. This is gonna be an emotional roller coaster hahaha, to come from a broken abusive background to having some beautiful woman saying 'I chose you' and making her cum in so short a time frame is a trip.
I think the ed shit is mental, it's like my brain is trying to send a spark between synapses that were never developed, the whole experience was amazing but the signal didn't get to my dick, when she grabbed it I felt very vulnerable which is troubling me.

Possible Solutions:
Hormonal, this is the easiest fix and would have massive positive impact on the rest of my life if all I need is trt
Dick pills, defo help but without sex drive/borderline fear I'm doubtful, low investment cost so will use them anyway.
Trauma based therapy, this is the worst case scenario and I dont want to dig too deep into it, if something comes up I'm not really sure what to do.
No porn and nofap, already doing this because my sex-drive is offline
Will keep using the bathmate as it seems like a very healthy thing.
Last option keep spending more time with her and hope my brain gets the message, it really is building and activating new parts of my brain spending this time with her, like a crash course in psychological reconditioning. She's been super understanding and ill probably be able to practice oral which will be cool to learn, I'm reassuring her it's nothing to do with her and working on building good vibes. I'm not one to wait around and hope for dumb luck though.

Found a good mens health lab so will ring them tm
All lookmaxxing processes maintained
Tomorrow I'll go through my photos from Saturday and upgrade my OLD profiles.
 
Took it easy today and focusing on self care.
Bodyweight is at 104kg, had to workout in the garden as the gym is flooded and I'm starting to look much leaner and also massive for a natty, I don't think I have low t if I look like this. Will hold this weight for a week, regain any lost strength and start moving down again.

All looksmaxxing processes maintained
Had a re-feed day on the diet and ate a steak, seemed to get a feeling of calmness and well being after this and it felt really good, might try some raw liver this week as there's some sort of vitality from unprocessed red meat.

Got another date on Thursday with this girl, my plan is to intoxicate myself with her until my sex drive returns lol, remembering Sunday is a vibe but it feels like my brain can't process it. Also tried sexting her but she wasnt into it.
Bought some melanotan, sent off for a hormone test kit and ordered a bunch of different dick pills, will also keep dickmaxxing to every other day for a bit.

I didn't update my OLD profile today so must do this tm and try to get a date for the weekend.

Looksmaxxing:
I think my main weakness is genetic undereye bags, I honestly feel like without those I'd look elite, will post Saturdays photos to show the difference, will contact a good dermatologist/surgeon and look into mitigating/eliminating them.
 
Keep cookin' man!

Question regarding getting your ears pierced: I'm considering getting mine done in a few months. How's the healing process been for you?
 
natedawg said:
Keep cookin' man!

Question regarding getting your ears pierced: I'm considering getting mine done in a few months. How's the healing process been for you?
Click to expand...

Thanks for your support! Really enjoying your calm, methodical approach on your log, been learning a lot from it.

I got a lower lobe done and its been pain free, even sleeping on that side has been fine, I've got about 4weeks to go before they can take the stud out and checkup on it.
 
Mood has stabilised a bit since eating at maintenence, sex drive is still gone which is really troubling me. Read about nofap and this might be the flatline experienced after quitting porn and putting a nofap streak together.
Bought some clomid, trying to get some HCG as these are ways of boosting t without compromising fertility. My blood test has arrived but in order for it to get to the lab ASAP I'll send it Monday morning.

I've been spiralling pretty bad about this, I've got this super hot girl dtf and I want to want to but my brain is just a mess of stress hormones. Spending time with her is definitely re-wiring something but it doesn't feel right to use her as a theraputic tool.

Looksmaxxing:
Will book an appointment with a cosmetic doctor/ derma as I'm interested in some procedures: lower blepharoplasty seems interesting.
I'm aware I'm getting very irrational/spiralling so I'll give my self some conditions:
Will any treatment negatively impact health?
Will it be long-lasting or at least sustainable?
Is it smart to get this done in my 20s?
How good is the surgeon?

Got another date later and will take dick pills and see what happens
 
Big wins.
Took 2 viagra before my date and got about 70% which was enough for a handjob and then blowjob, couldn't finish but this is significant progress, my body is responding more and more positively to physical touch and escalation. I'm literally rebuilding a broken brain here, there was an age when I stopped all physical contact with people and its like I'm slowly thawing out.
This girl seems to enjoy her time with me and we are breaking new ground every time we meet. I think with more time, more testosterone and more dickmaxxing I'll be able to unleash a cannon on her hahaha.
 
This log is becoming a real trip haha.
Went out with my friends last night who all know I've been seeing this girl as she's from my social circle, she was out too with her work friends and messaged me to come and meet her. I found her at this bar and make-out and there's no technique or thought, it's natural and 100% organic. We go to another club, both drunk by now and make put on the dance floor and my dick starts working just from being close to her. She had to get a lift back with her friend but it was so nice to see her, we're gonna go back to our spot on Monday.

I've barely slept for 3 days but after doing some research I think I've been suffering from PIED and the insane emotions are my brain rewiring it's reward systems.

There's a confluence of factors here. Not being with a woman until 27, trauma, years of porn, possible low t, depression and anxiety and I'm fighting them all just to become a man who can fuck a woman haha.
This will take time, I'm going hard mode no fap, I'll still use the bathmate but anything sexual will be with her or me visualising my time with her. I will test and optimise my hormones, I will grow a new fucking brain.

I'm truly grateful this has happened to me. Life means so much and everything hurts, my mates brother got a new job and I actually felt really happy, not just numb. Everything is connected. It like there's a thread running through my life that I just have to follow.
The coming months will be painful, I don't even think I understood the concept of arousal until 2 weeks ago, but I will heal to the deepest level.

There are people who have went through this and recovered: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GXtEcQGLWW8
 
Bodyweight down to 102kg
Eating at maintenence is slowly restoring my mood and libido
Another day PMO free
Went on another date and I'm starting to feel arousal but then my brain switches tracks and I loose it. I think this is the same ADD stimulus searching behaviour caused by porn and technology ect.
Made her cum again and I can feel my brain starting to rewire. Also told her not to feel bad if I seem distracted and explained what i think my problem is haha, she said don't worry and dont overthink it- not my strong-suit but I'll try 😂
Sent off my testosterone test kit.
Had a good workout.
Sat in the sun.
My priority now is fixing my brain, getting my reward centres running again and being healthy, everything feels very muted and I'm not motivated to do anything, my appetite has disappeared too. This is very promising as it means I can probably rethink and reset my motivational circuitry and make sure to reinforce good habits, behaviours and thought patterns.
 
Been PMO free for a while now.
Bodyweight actually dropped to 99kg
Turns out I have low test so I may jump on the sauce.

I've been in a manic hyperactive state all week, I have some sort of crazy depressive/energetic thing going on. Has lead me to be pretty needy and I think it's sabotaged seeing this girl so I'll leave her be for a while and see what comes of it.
My libido has always been low and now its gone in my moment of need, I've got what I wanted in front of my and nothing happens, feels like somethings wrong and I don't know what.
I'm also starting to spiral when she doesn't text back which is really bad lol.

I've made some massive gains this month but it feels hollow right now. All my pleasure/pain motivations have gone and its terrifying, even my appetite and need for sleep have vanished. I'm only trying to sleep so I can rest from my thoughts.

Goals and focusses:
Rewire my brain, this may take months according according to the no-fap forums and I'm beginning to feel like my brain was never healthy in the first place.
Might try microdosing.
Get a fluoride water filter.
Start teaching guitar.
Jump on gear and obtain an insane physique.
Focus on socialising with new groups of people.
Try for one date a week and escalate as far as I can go.
Meditate every day.
Do one altruistic thing a week.
Walk in nature every day.

I'm actually not sure if I'm gonna be OK, but I feel like if I can fix this then anything will be possible.
 
Time to stop spiralling and bitching.
Another date, was a chilled one so took the pressure off which made my dick start working just from making out, this is such a literal ball-ache to navigate but I'm making progress.
Decided to run a cycle of test enanthate which is cheap and legal in the UK, also eating at maintenence is slowly restoring mood and libido.

Weekly goals:
Get back on OLD and stop being lazy, this will cure my one-itis.
Continue no-fap streak, it's gonna be very difficult when the test kicks in but that's what I'm looking for.
Continue all looksmaxxing protocols.
Recomp at 99kg, this should be relatively easy on test (subgoals are getting my overhead press back to 100kg, my deadlift back to 250kg and my 5k time to 23mins, for that Greek god build)
Do something altruistic.
Go to 2 socials and talk to one woman each time, made some new friends this week and one is an absolute player so hoping to learn a thing or two, the guys close to looksmaxxed and basically had 2 different girls throw themselves at him in one night haha.
Eat healthy.
Read.
Go for a walk in my lunch breaks.
 
Updates:
Broke it off with this girl. The last couple weeks she got more and more distant and I'm not sure how legit her excuses were. Honestly I fell for her, but it was like an addiction, not healthy and all the while I was desperately trying to gain sexual function which made me incredibly uncertain about myself. I tried to see her one last time but no luck, I told her how I was feeling and everything I was going through and she was nice to me. I want to be redpilled to protect my ego but reading back through our messages she was nothing but kind. I couldn't take it. I told her how much she was worth and parted ways.
I didn't realise how fucked in the head I am until now but I've gained so much insight and I think I'm on the right tracks.
It's frustrating every time I saw her I felt like my arousal was growing and my inhibitions reduced.

I'm running 300mg enanthate a week and it's starting to kick in. It feels like having a friend lol, my confidence and aggression have increased and my libido seems to be growing, also feeling explosive in the gym.

I really feel like I can attain a sky-high smv and I'm on the right track. My biggest issue is my mind, it feels like I've been wounded from something and never recovered but for the first time I truly want to be well and its thanks to her. I'm truly grateful to be alive.

I also made a bunch of new friends while spiralling about this girl and am going to get a promotion at work.

Moving forward:
Maintain no-fap streak
Book a high class escort to see where I'm at and to Rewire my brain some more. Honestly I just want a woman to hold me and tell me it's gonna be OK lmao.
Build an insane body
Maintain all looksmaxxing processes
Get back on OLD
Continue being very social
 
OLD: ramping up again
Got a picnic date this saturday with a female friend from social circle.
Sent enquiries to three therapists.
Booked a Thai massage and will go to an improv group tm to meet new people and try to become more expressive.
Nofap streak continues.
Diet is super healthy and workouts are going great, I'm beginning to look and feel more supernatural, the pumps and aggression are crazy.
Want to do some charity work to stop this feeling of lack so will find some.
 
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