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New goals, depression is beaten

jeagle63

jeagle63

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2022
Hey, my name is Jordan.

Already made a log before but I wanted to reset, hope that is allowed.

Last month I fully listened to the audiobook "12 Rules For Life" that was recommended by Andy. I also moved to full time work, and decided after a lot of wrestling with myself in my head, I was ready to stop using porn.

When I joined the forum I was depressed and my confidence wasn't there. I made bold promises to myself and was able to achieve some and fell short on others. Now I am happy to say I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all. Even with the problems I still face, I feel so much better on a day-to-day basis and I'm very happy with the progress I made.

Initially my goal when joining the forum was to learn how to become a guy who got laid all the time, seeing as how I'd never had that in my life. On my journey I've discovered lots of things, and been able to recognize shortcomings in my personality and life that I have worked on and also still need to work on in the future.

My new main goals are:

1) Learn to be assertive all the time - Since joining the forum I have gotten a lot better at this, but still fall short when dealing with some conflicts. This I believe is due to factors from my upbringing. I dread the anxiety/adrenaline hit that arrives every time I have to be confrontational, but I'm learning how to manage and push through it so I can get/ask for the things I want.

2) Give myself permission to do things - After downloading and starting to read the audiobook "The Power of Letting Go", yesterday whilst out I finally realized a bad pattern in my behaviour. It's most noticeable with girls I'm interested in sleeping with but also applies to a lot of other areas in my life. What I realized is that I will gladly chat to girls for hours if I'm introduced to them by others, and won't feel any anxiety. When the signals are there I'm always taking them. But I don't like introducing myself to girls, or people at the bar/smoking area, or even just random people that appear in my day to day life, etc, and always rationalize excuses to not do it.

The above point doesn't just apply to girls/sex/dating/friendships, it kind of applies all over the place. I think its the very last "symptom" of my depression but now I believe its just a habit I've gotten into over so long that I can undo. It stopped me from getting piercings I wanted, stops me from pursuing hobbies I want to do, and etc. Again I believe this character trait is due to factors from my upbringing.

3) Maintain my stable source of income - The last couple of years have been very stressful for me as my finances haven't been good. Now I have managed to recover them, I want to keep it this way. More income means I can start to buy better clothes for myself to make a good looking wardrobe. More income means I can go on more trips/vacations and experience more things. And etc.

4) Learn photography and finally build myself a real tinder profile - I have my own tripod now that I've used to film a couple of videos for my youtube channel. I can use it to take photos with my phone using a little button in my hand. I would have started this more seriously already if I was in a better routine, but as I'm adjusting to full-time work and still finishing at 11pm-1am every day, I haven't had much time. I've spent so long on tinder trying to make it work and always failed, and whilst it hasn't mattered because I 1000x% prefer meeting people in person now as I've become so confident with it, I feel like I owe it to myself a little to succeed as I've been trying to do so for so long.

I also want to mark the end of my depression with something meaningful - like a symbolic image on my arm of me slaying my demons. I never wanted to ink before as I believed I would regret it, but I think a future version (40-50 year old) me with a family/job/career etc would still look at it and feel extremely proud of the journey I have taken.

I did leave the forum before as I wasn't happy with the kind of posts I was making, they were all complainy or very advice-seeking without me really giving anything back. So I might not post that often but my posts in the future should be better. I also don't feel comfortable with doing "lay reports", I think its a bit degrading to the girls I do end up with and also a bit of a privacy concern. I'd want to make my log something someone from my real life could read and use for their own inspiration rather than see me as self-centered or "strange" (for lack of a better word).

Final thing, I did get a rook piercing in my ear and I know you guys might like to see that, but I'm still waiting for my second lobe to heal (its taking way too long), so I can get those changed and then I'll show all 3 in their final form.
 
Short term actionable goals

1)
- Spend £200 on new attractive clothing, making 4-5 outfits that can be mixed and matched, taking inspiration from fashion models on Instagram recommended by Radical and any others that I find.
- Discarding everything currently in my wardrobe that is not fashionable/attractive, so that I won't take the easy option of throwing on my old clothes if I haven't done washing, because there wont be any.
- Take a large number of photos in each outfit, some with my tripod in quiet locations, some by my friends in busy locations, in different times of day and different environments.

Dates to achieve this goal
11th July - Going to a large shopping mall with my friend and buying clothes that I have planned out and printed off from online
Today(4th)-Friday 14th - Online shopping, going to the smaller shops in my city to look for clothes, plan outfits, take photos and do comparisons with models online.

Reflection dates:
Monday 17th - Write here all positive and negative thoughts about this process, and which outfits I ended up buying, which I didn't, how much money I spent, my level of guilt towards spending money, and my confidence levels before and after buying and wearing each outfit.
Monday 31st - After having a few weeks with the new clothes, reflect on the photos taken, which photos I wanted to take and which ones I actually did. Note any insecurities about the photos or how I asked for them to be taken and analyse why they appeared.

2)
- Work to try and get a better morning/evening routine - Unlearn the processes from when I was in depression. These include excessive social media use, fantasizing about things I want but being unable to take actionable steps.
- I have already created a checklist for my routine similar to open/closedown sheets we use at the bar. I made one for my own room, and the kitchen, but this proved to be too ambitious at the moment. That's fine, and I can work towards the goal of having good habits for both areas. But as the habits for my room are more important, I will begin using the checklist again.

The checklist is 1) for dopamine, ticking off each action to feel like it was accomplished even if simple, and 2) So I have a structure to my routine.

Reflection date:
Monday 24th - Currently I have 3 week sheets printed off. On Monday 24th I will have used them all up. At this point I can reflect on whether or not I was able to meaningfully change my routine, what held me back, what I enjoyed and didn't enjoy about the process, and what I can learn from it.
 
Reflection on goal to buy new clothes and take photos

jeagle63 said:
Short term actionable goals

1)
- Spend £200 on new attractive clothing, making 4-5 outfits that can be mixed and matched, taking inspiration from fashion models on Instagram recommended by Radical and any others that I find.
Click to expand...

I bought a white overshirt, slim fit black and white t-shirt and a faux-leather jacket that was on offer from Zara. I planned 6 different mix and match outfits, and bought a couple of things, with more to get next month. The next three things I will buy are drawstring shorts in black and white, and new white trainers.

I also wanted to buy the ma-1 bomber jacket so looked on vinted, have made enquiries but the first seller never shipped the order, and the second seller didn't get back to me when I asked for more pictures. Will have to come back to that in a couple of weeks I think.

I don't really like the faux leather jacket and I see a lot of girls wearing it, I would prefer to return it and save up for a jacket made from real leather instead.

Due to me not being able to purchase the ma-1 jacket and me wanting to return the faux leather jacket I did not spent £200, more like £70-80 overall once that is returned. I didn't feel guilty about spending the money but I'm still apprehensive of buying anything else this month even though I could afford it.

jeagle63 said:
- Discarding everything currently in my wardrobe that is not fashionable/attractive, so that I won't take the easy option of throwing on my old clothes if I haven't done washing, because there wont be any.
Click to expand...

Aside from winter coats/jackets (which are not coming out of the wardrobe till after summer) and a couple of t-shirts I bought on holiday to remind me of places I went, I got rid of all my other clothes that aren't fashionable. This means I have like 3-4 outfits at the moment, but best to build from the ground up with proper style rules in play.

I still have about 4 medium size shirts I use for work from way back, and by next pay day in August I'm going to give them away too and only wear ones in my size.

jeagle63 said:
- Take a large number of photos in each outfit, some with my tripod in quiet locations, some by my friends in busy locations, in different times of day and different environments.
Click to expand...
I didn't end up doing this as I only had one new outfit to take photos with really and when I saw my friend it was for his 25th birthday party.

Excuse/reflection on my time
They are doing construction outside my window and for 5 or so hours every morning I'm being kept awake by drilling noises that arent helping me fix my routine at all, really they're just stressing me out and making me waste days trying to catch up on sleep.

I feel sadly quite close to burnout with my increased work load as well as no real days off due to this noise. This is also causing me to see my friends less.

Medium-term new actionable goals
When my tenancy ends in October, I want to move city and finish the rest of my Uni degree remotely. Other cities near me have more opportunities and moving will be a fresh start/clean slate for me. It won't always be better, but there will be no good or bad memories, just a canvas to create them.

To achieve this goal I need to do research on cost of living, bar jobs I could do (as these are the easiest to get), and where I would live.

Reflection date for this goal:
Monday 14th August - By this point if I have done research and decided I am going to move, things like jobs/accommodation etc should be in place.
 
Reflection on goal to move city and move house:

Currently this isn't possible. But I am moving in October to a cheaper house in the city I live in and I have a trial shift for a higher paying job soon.

Positive then negative:
What's going right?

- I have started running, after trying to convince myself for a while this week I have done two running sessions, only 10-15 minutes each but spanning 1.5-2km each time. Did a couple the week before to get into it. Already I am enjoying this way more than the gym. Maybe my build is more suited to this activity, but it's very early so let's see how it goes. I would like to run 5k and eventually 10k.

- I quit vaping on nights out, or vaping with alcohol. This was super easy, all I had to do was start vaping all day every day and after 3 days of that I confirmed what I already knew, I hate how it makes my chest feel and starves me of energy the next day. Mood and mental health has been great since about 2 weeks off. Pretty much no serious cravings.

- I've discovered a new interest thanks to my job, which is going to alcohol tasting events (wine/rum/whiskey etc) and learning about flavours and how each drink is made. A big thing since now I have this as a potential date idea that I know I would actually enjoy.

What's going wrong?

- My algorithm is convinced there's something wrong with me, and constantly only recommends content todo with girls, relationships, gym buffs, therapy, alcoholism etc. I keep trying to change it by using the blocked words feature on Instagram or hiding posts but it's not changing.

- due to the above, once I reach my home and am alone (this doesn't happen at my parents house) by habit I just start using social media apps to fill time, and quickly my mood will go from happy, confident, fulfilled to isolated, insecure and anxious.

Using nicotine was extremely easy to quit because for me it's an energy insecurity, if I eat right and exercise I have no desire for it.

Using adult sites is also extremely easy to quit, because for me it's a confidence/anxiety insecurity, however just by using social media I find myself going back once every couple of weeks or so due to how it affects my mood.

The solution seems extremely easy

- Delete social media

However I don't want to sacrifice contacts, friends, etc. Just because companies have made algorithms on these apps specifically designed to make people spend time on them, and in my opinion, they are intentionally profiting off human misery.

Sadly there is no way to disable Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat reels or YouTube shorts.

The other solution is

- Find things to fill the time

The reason I believe I use apps in the first place is because I am anxious-avoidant when it comes to trying things, going places and maintaining relationships (almost all types), and if I look back seriously I think I have always been this way. I remember being extremely reluctant to do things even when I was a child but always thought they were worth doing afterwards. Alcohol and Work are the only cures for this problem that I know.

What am I going to do to fix it?

- Soon I am going to work at a festival, and I'm going to go off the grid. It will be 3-4 days of bliss.
- I am going to continue to unfollow/unrecommend all content on social media that makes me feel upset
- After, as I know that's unsustainable, for every day off that I have I want to start booking/writing down potential activities I could do.

These should be real tangible ideas with a time and place, not just "oh I could goto a film", but "I would like to see this particular film at this cinema at this time".

I also want to plan multiple choices, so that if I do 1, 2, or 0 things I don't feel guilty for not doing anything e.g. if I'm too tired to, or if friends invite me to do something, etc.

My hope is that this will fill my life with interesting things, make me feel more fulfilled, and also improve the times in my life that are already great (work, etc.) as I'll have more to chat about and connect with people over. This will definitely help with connecting with potential dates too.

I would like to refect on this in 1 months time, just before I move house.
 
jeagle63 said:
- Delete social media

However I don't want to sacrifice contacts, friends, etc. Just because companies have made algorithms on these apps specifically designed to make people spend time on them, and in my opinion, they are intentionally profiting off human misery.

Sadly there is no way to disable Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat reels or YouTube shorts.
Click to expand...

YouTube

For web:

BlockTube lets you remove shorts and disable the explore page. There’s even a mode where you can ONLY watch videos you’re directly linked to, but won’t be able to further navigate from there.

Distraction Free YouTube replaces the suggested videos page with a blank screen.

For Android:

Revanced is a modded version of the YouTube app that:

Blocks all ads and “posts”
Disables shorts
Automatically skips sponsor shoutouts
Enables background play for videos

Facebook

For web:

News Feed Eradicator blocks the feed.

For Android:

I don’t use the Facebook app, just the Lite Messenger app for communication.

A custom rule for UBlock Origin for Firefox Mobile blocks the feed on mobile web.

Instagram

You're right in that there is no way to disable reels, however you can mute suggested posts for 30 days.

You could also just use the web version for feed viewing/messaging.

Snapchat

Not sure. Do you really even need to use this?
 
I strongly believe Youtube is a huge positive if you choose to use it correctly. The others are necessary evils I use to maintain social norms only, When you curate Youtube only for channels related to actual development and remove all pure entertainment it is a big net positive.

Twitter is not worth having or using in anyway.
Snapchat I only use as a dating related messaging system for some girls and nothing else
FB is only for local groups / meetup equivalent, and dating
Meetup is completely worth using, no downsides afaict
IG is to post enough and have enough stories to demonstrate value/non criminal status to potential dates, and occasionally as a messaging system. Looking at girls posts or suggested posts is a waste of time, looking at girls I've matched to confirm no catfishing is worth it.
Imgur has no worth except to host my own pictures
Twitch has no upside
Reddit is worth using, but not for browsing, only for specific search queries related to problems you are working on. It is EXTREMELY useful for this only. Some very specific subreddits that don't allow memes are good to browse if you are trying to learn a specific knowledge domain and just starting out


Simply making a decision on how I would use each was more than enough for me
 
I use newpipe on android. It I'd amazing for curating content. It has made it so I can only watch stuff which is related to my day to day, like health and work. I remove sub's which don't serve me often. I have no need for other sites.

In fact, using an open source OS takes this clean feeling to the next level.
 
I got back from the festival the other day, and it was unreal. At home for the past couple of months I've struggled with getting up early and been tired a lot of the time, so I was slightly worried it would happen there too

Actually, I was walking miles, bar service rushed off my feet for way more hours than back in my normal job, was having a couple bevvies with friends after, and camping too and yet I was managing to get up at 9 easily and go around the entire place doing stuff.

Even though I was working it didn't feel that way at all, I did about 20-25 hours and it felt like a holiday.

Some key takeaways I got from it
- At the festival I ate properly after waking, and even though I still had a little desire to use my phone quickly I would stop to eat and get ready to go out to see the music

My current room is a dark hole in a tower block with engineering work outside, comfier bed than a tent but unlike a tent where you can get sunlight in 5 seconds by opening a zip, my room feels like night most of the day. I therefore think that my room is currently the reason I'm not eating/waking properly.

Im rectifing this by moving in 4 weeks time, to a cheaper place in a house instead of a tower block.

- I'm wasted in my current job as I don't get the stimulation I need

I have a new job coming up soon which I hope will rectify somewhat this situation. But now I want to find a job in events as travelling and being immersed in that kind of atmosphere every week would make me happy

- finally, I had no chance at any point to feel like I was wasting time. There was this really cute girl with two fully decorated ears who came to the bar and in a perfect world maybe I would have asked her number, I didn't talk to as many people as I could have done through the entire thing

But now Im home the retrospective time analysis of the event feels like I talked to more people in 3 days than the last couple of months, and I feel much more confident.

So I just need to find a way to keep increasing my volume and try to not fall back into spending too much time alone.

And minor ones
(I knew this already by now) but with the right music and atmosphere I can get high serotonin without drugs (specifically our girl Mandy). After seeing one of my fave dnb artist I was euphoric for the rest of the night. Absolutely wrecked though from dancing.

Finally,

I also installed the revanced YouTube app, disabled YouTube and chrome, installed Firefox with ad block, and only use insta/Facebook on the web. Benefits already are great, I haven't seen a reel since I sent the last post on the forum. Over the long term I expect this to make a huge change in my life.
 
Recently I've been getting into running as I was inspired by one of the girls at work. I've done less than 10 so far but made progress since the first one, completing a 15 minute 2km round trip around the river near my house.

Even with very little experience / progress under my belt, I have started to feel so much healthier and better mentally since starting. This is way better than the gym for me, which made me feel insecure and often stuck in the same place.

As I've had more energy I have had so much more time recently to do things. I used to wake up about 1pm and goto work at 3. Now I've been waking up around 10.

I've been re-reading one of the most helpful books to me and taking some notes recently, models by Mark Manson. He gives a lot of advice on potential places to meet people and meet women. On my days off I'm excited to get back into doing this, I'll be going to dance this week.

Im starting a new job next week where I hopefully will be put on earlies some days (meaning I would finish at 5) giving me the opportunity to goto meet people on work days. Right now as I work till 11-12 the only place to meet people involves drinking and I'm kinda over that. I still like drinking but as an avenue to meet people I'm a bit sick of it, and it's my comfort zone so I don't approach women whilst doing it

Id like some advice/resources on what I could do in the morning (9-3) to meet people/meet women. It might be obvious to you (the reader) but since I was like 17 I've had a nocturnal sleep pattern, and I'm not used to doing anything except staying in my room between these hours.

Now I'm feeling healthier from running and drinking less I'm feeling motivated to get out there and meet women, and classes/events in the evening aren't possible for me a lot of days.

Future stuff related to this
- after a month or so of running I want to attempt a 5km run with one of my co-workers
And then join a running club/ group etc to make new friends
- When I'm in my new job I want to use some of my savings to have a 1-1 session with a gym trainer, so I can go back and actually enjoy it instead of dreading it.
 
A few weeks have passed now since the festival, and the buzz has faded, but the positive life changes haven't. This is what's going on

I've woken up before 12 every day since I've been back. Unreal because it's been almost 2 weeks. To me, that is a crazy achievement.

I'm going to attempt my first ever 5k run next week, and I also went to the gym just now with a friend for the first time, and he showed me how to do deadlift form correctly and I did 2 sets of 50kg. Not bad for an ex skinny gamer nerd who never left his bedroom.

Being off vapes/porn for so long again has brought up the issues they suppress. But unlike before they haven't been getting me down, because I've cut back on alcohol a lot. I also attended a mental health support group just to chat with other guys, and I am excited to make it a regular thing.

Sadly, my body confidence/body self esteem is still very low, and I'm pretty convinced now that it's the reason I avoid showing interest in women. Anxiety plays a role, but in pretty much everything else I always push through anxiety even if it feels hard.

The gym and running help and I'm glad I've gotten back into a routine with it. But they mask the problem by giving me endorphin highs, just like alcohol/nic/porn give me dope highs. I want to use the mental health support group as well as potential therapy to dig deep to the root cause of my body confidence issues. Its upsetting because I know it's all in my head, I'm not ugly or malnourished or anything like that, and 90% of the time I know it. I just need that to be 100% now.

Finally, I start a new job next week and I'm super excited about it, let's go, and, I found a new flatmate to move in with so I don't have to leave the city centre. That means I'm still in the prime zone to get off my ass and fix my problems and get back into meeting women, in a healthy way, not an alcoholic nicotine fueled way.

To say I have come far since my first post on the forum would be a statement, I believe I have. Logging here has been so helpful and I'm really greatful this forum exists. So thanks guys.
 
Deadlifted 60kg last night after finishing work at my new job. I weighed myself at 72kg last time, first time I ever have been above 70. Next is to deadlift my own bodyweight.

I did that last night instead of hanging out with friends drinking or socialising with my new colleagues.

Been making plans in my head about how to break my eggshell, as I realise my current house and old job have hardened my inside a bit. My money, atmosphere and security have been sub par the past months and thats been making me push away friends, not want to meet girls, etc.

One of my new favourite books is called The Change Agent, and it has taught me the analogy of being a coffee bean, to be positive no matter your situation and try to bring that positivity to your environment. And recently thats been my goal, to achieve this vision for myself.

That alone isn't going to get me out of celibacy, or any other problems I'm facing. But at the end of the day, I'm not starving, or homeless, or incarcerated, etc. My life is good, I've always been trained to see the negatives.

Becoming a coffee bean as the analogy goes feels like the best next step for my life after overcoming depression. I've been told that life can get so good that every day I'll wake up and will have to pinch myself that I'm not dreaming. And that life is mine for the taking.
 
My mates its been a while I hope you're all doing well.

Lots has happened in my life since I last posted and I've been getting a few real answers about myself and coming to terms with the real problems and how Im going to figure out the solutions.

The first point is that I have made a lot of progress mentally. Any remnants of depression in my are a product of my current situation, and I don't have that doomer mentality of things won't/can't get better anymore, I know things will improve and I'm extremely excited for my future.

My priority right now is moving city, away from the student culture of where I live to somewhere bigger and better. This involves a three-four month sacrifice moving in my with parents and working every hour under the sun so I can pay off my debts, allowing me to move.

My second is to truly figure out what is going on in my brain, giving me the best chance when I move to succeed how I want to. In march this year I had my first taste of "killer instinct" - if thats the term, since it seems like forever ago the last time I had it before that. I was in gym like no tomorrow, flushed with confidence, and I slept with 2 girls in a week, was on it mentally. I should have been more honest with myself and the girls with what I wanted, how I felt, but I was riding the highs, wasn't honest with them or me, started overthinking, fell back into bad habits etc.. and now I'm kinda back to my baseline.

I've been taking steps to figure out why I have this behaviour pattern. That is, chasing highs relentlessly until they don't work anymore, then moving to a new one. I am coming to terms with it, but as someone always bullied in youth for being different, its quite hard to accept it as actually being truth.

Dialling back to the second priority, this is to get myself fully assessed and medicated for ADHD and who knows any other condition that the assessment might find. Not just because I wanna get high on adderall, or anything like that, but mainly to have the executive function all the time that I only really get to enjoy currently when Im "on it".

Aside from this, life has been pretty good, making new friends, making plans, excited for the future. When I move house I'm going to plan how I can start my own business, which is exciting.

In terms of gym I failed the 100kg deadlift recently but I got 90, which is pretty cushty. Will get it soon lads.
 
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