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On the path to a better self - A chapter ends, a new one begins

Weigh-in: 83kg

Reached a new ceiling. Never been that "heavy", and the cool thing, is that I'm not even forcing myself to eat big portions, I've figured my nutrition so that I can put in a lot of calories without having to stuff myself.

Started to do some weighed dips as well, I'm getting stronger in the gym.

Looking forward to see where I'll be at the end of the year.
 
A chapter ends, a new one begins

"New year, new me", this statement could not be more correct for me.

It's been almost 2 years since I wrote anything in this journal. Of course, in 2 years, many things happened.

At the time of my last post, I was working as a developer, even started a new position in a company with a very good salary; I was working on my fitness goal to reach 85kg and was in a loving, albeit difficult sometimes, relationship.

The month after, I lost my job. I didn't pass the probation period. A mix of bad timing (the company trying to cut cost on employees without client project) and my own "inadequacies" (failed to enroll in the only project that I qualified with my skill level at the time). I got a lot of support from my girlfriend, but it was an incredibly stressing situation.

Countless rejections, a lot of sleepless nights and just an overall feeling of inadequacy and just "WTF is going on". Tried everything, networking, contacting people through linkedin, direct applications... But with the job market in tech in its worst state ever, it led to me being unemployed for a year, before deciding to just get a job because my savings were getting very low.

Found a job as a logistic planner in April 2024. The job itself was boring, but I had a great team and the work atmosphere was so great that I didn't care that the job was bad as I could have a bit of stability, hopefully for one year, to prepare for the next thing. Except that it didn't last a year as the company decided to relocate back to France, therefore closing the NL office and making me unemployed again as soon as my contract officially ends.

When that had been announced to us in July, luckily I already had time to settle in a more stable routine and got enough mental space to think about the aftermath. My deep goal professionally didn't change : I want to be able to work remotely, preferably for myself, so that I can live in a country like Spain with a French salary. That was the original plan with SWE before it ended like a spicy taco on a tuesday night : down in the toilet while you're questioning your life choices.

This lead me to decide to try a new adventure. Something that would help me to reach the aforementioned destination and that I have been looking from afar for a very long time : freelance copywriter.

I have now followed a course on it, where we 1st learn all the theory and put it into application by writing a sales copy, and right now I'm prospecting for clients. This is an exciting and scary adventure, where I have to work a lot of my self imposed limitations and negative beliefs. But I doing it, one baby step at a time, one email at a time. 2025 is therefore, a new professional me

------

The other big change that this new year will welcome is that of my relationship status.

After almost 3 years, we are parting ways with my girlfriend. One of the hardest choice that I had to make, but the way our relationship was, it was unsustainable in the long run. A true rollercoaster of emotions, too many highs for too many lows, getting worse as the relationship progressed. I've felt some of the most intense bout of uncontrollable rage during some of our worst moments.

We tried so hard to make it work, but it's like it was just not meant to be. I've never been a big believer in fate or any kind of that stuffs, but maybe sometimes, for some reason unbeknown to us, the dices never fall the way we want, no matter how many times we shuffle them and we just have to accept it.

I do have some regrets regarding this relationship, and a lot of "what ifs", but it is what it is. I feel that it's a short term pain necessary for a long term happiness. We managed to finish in good terms, with love and respect for one another, and in a way, in a world full of videos of entitled people spitting on their exes, it is a small win. I've learned a lot, we had so many laughs, so many good times that I'll cherish for a long time. A lot of tears were sheds, and a lot are coming, but we'll push through. 2025 is therefore, a new relationship me.

------

With that big change, comes another one: Without a stable job or a relationship, I have nothing that attach me to the Netherlands, so I'll be living, going back to Paris to live in a cockroach infested, 28m2 apartment that I'll share with my brother. I'm not excited by this idea but heh, when life gives you lemon, sometimes you need to squeeze the juice on your eyes before life slaps your hand and tells you that you need to make lemonade with it.

And the lemonade, if everything goes to plan, will be me living in Spain by the end of the year. This is something that I've been wanting ever since my 1st year in Amsterdam, so since 2020. It's time to realise that dream. It is often say that wherever you are, your problem will follow, and that thinking that going to a place will make your life magically better. Which you can argue that that's what I'm expecting. Well, to be honest, I prefer to cry on a beach in Spain than under the rainy Amsterdam. So cheers to bring all my issues with me under the sun. 2025 is therefore, a new crying under the sun me.

------

I have some other things to share, and more specifically in terms of objectives for 2025 with women and some inner changes. But that'll be for another post.

I'm back
 
SpongeBob said:
It's time to realise that dream. It is often say that wherever you are, your problem will follow, and that thinking that going to a place will make your life magically better. Which you can argue that that's what I'm expecting. Well, to be honest, I prefer to cry on a beach in Spain than under the rainy Amsterdam. So cheers to bring all my issues with me under the sun. 2025 is therefore, a new crying under the sun me.
Click to expand...
Moving to a new place actually did make my life magically better lol. But that's because I put myself in an environment that enabled me to work on my problems and my goals. People underestimate how significant the right environment is for one's wellbeing.

All in all, sounds like that relationship ending was for the better. Sorry to hear about your job/career troubles man. Hope things improve this year!
 
Akilles7 said:
Moving to a new place actually did make my life magically better lol. But that's because I put myself in an environment that enabled me to work on my problems and my goals. People underestimate how significant the right environment is for one's wellbeing.

All in all, sounds like that relationship ending was for the better. Sorry to hear about your job/career troubles man. Hope things improve this year!
Click to expand...
Haha thanks for sharing your experience.

Regarding the relationship, I think so too, and deep down, I think my ex knows it too, which is why she kind of accepted it.

For the job troubles, it sucks but it also lead me to the path I am now, the path I really want, so all in all it was a good thing in retrospect.

-------

Today was ok, I packed most of my things for my depart on friday, making things even more real. Couldn't help myself from crying from hearing that tune
.

Funnily enough, we never had "our tune" during the relationship, but we kinda agreed that this was our breakup tune haha. Way to fuck up a song for myself

-------

As I mentionned yesterday, I already have some plans regarding women in 2025. I'll take some time in january/february just to go through the ebb and flow of my mood from the breakup and to work more on business, to get my first clients, but after that I want to go back to the street and challenge myself to do daygame once again.

With this, I feel like I'm as stubborn as a donkey. I already tried so many times to do it, failing every time. But I have a feeling that this time, I can really do it. The past year, I've learned mental tools that make it easier to take action consistently without hating myself in the process.

Because it's fucking hard to do anything when every action is met with self loathing.

I made so much progress in self acceptance and in being able to "just do it and let life take its course". Which is how I manage to push myself (almost) every day to work on business, one baby step at a time.

And for this, I'll never be able to thank Andy enough, his content has been one of the driving force of this inner change.

So the plan in 2025, as I'll be mostly in Paris, the best city in terms of pure volume (not so much in terms of openness of girls, but that's another story), will be to find wings (I already have a friends that is doing it for 7years) and to go almost every day and finally desensitize myself to the anxiety and fear of rejection, which have ruled my life for far too long now.

I'm thankful for the dating apps because that's how I met my ex in the end, but I've always wanted to do it IRL. The end goal is to know in my core that I can create dating opportunities when I feel like it.

It'll take time, it'll be hard, but I'm also confident that I've never been in a better place to do it than today.

I've learned things about myself that make me understand why I've never been able to really do it before.

In the end, everything, women included, is about self mastery. And that's what I'm after. More inner peace, regarding of what is happening on the outside. I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path.

Let's get it in 2025
 
Almost one week since I left Amsterdam.

Friday morning was pretty tough. Lots of tears from both of us, "Love you"s exchanged and a "I still hope that you'll come back" from her end, very emotional.

In general, I feel fine. I am on a mission, so I'm being quite busy. Between cold emailing, administrative stuffs and meeting with friends, I didn't have time to get bored.

I'm being very active but I can tune with what is beneath. Sometime I hear a song that makes me think of her, sometimes it's just the view of the photo album she made and then a couple of tears fall off. Which is fine, I am grieving losing her and it's a process. As long as I'm not moping and doing nothing, it's ok.

My sleep is pretty bad, waking up during the night and not being able to fall back asleep for a couple of hours. Sometimes, like last night, even more. My mind just goes to 1000 thoughts. Knowing that I'm working toward freedom from being a salaried worker is exhilirating. Right now, it's the purpose of my actions.

I wake up, between 7 and 8 and just go to my laptop to work. The morning I tend to be the most efficient so I reserve it for this, and then in the afternoun I usually take care of administrative tasks : Appointments to the doctor, trying to set up my business, cleaning and organising the apartment etc...

And it makes me taste the freedom with being your own boss. No one to ask for permission to do anything, I can work in the morning, stop for a while, work a bit in the evening as I see fit. Don't want my life to be any other way. Looking forward to actually have client and do my best and deliver a good service.

I probably need to refine something prospection wise, as I didn't get any client call yet.

Dating wise, after saying that I will probably wait until february to do anything, I decided with a friend (daygamer with 7 years of grinding) to do a session this weekend. It's not like I'm going to hookup with anyone anyway, but I want to challenge myself to do it. I'm going to look for wings to be able to go out frequently.

@pancakemouse, you shared a game community website or something and I remember that there was a group in Paris in it. I can't find it, could you please share it ?

I'll come back with a write up of the session. It'll be nerve-wrecking but let's try to have fun in the process.

Baby step is the way forward
 
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