Hey sundleboro sounds like you're being held back by two extremely common problems:
1)
Unrealistically high expectations for how quickly and dramatically self-improvement will change your life
2)
Anxiety that's been magnified by avoidance
Luckily, there are effective solutions to both of these problems:
1)
A reset of your expectations so that they are more in line with reality.
It's actually true that self-improvement can quickly and dramatically sky-rocket your results with women, BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE CUSP OF GREATNESS WHEN YOU START IMPROVING, so that it bumps you over the line and into that elite category.
Very few men are at this point when they start, but we mistakenly read the results of men who are and we think "wow, that was quick... I can have an elite sex-life in no time".
For most of us (myself included), this is simply not the case. I'm not saying you can't get there, I'm just saying it's gonna be a several-year journey for most of us.
And this a very good thing, because
the harder it is and the longer it takes to get to the top, the less competition there will be and the more we'll stand out when we get there.
2)
By far the most effective strategy to combat anxiety is exposure therapy.
Exposure therapy is simply exposing yourself to as large a portion of the source of your fear as you can stand, until it bores you, and then doing the same thing with more and more direct versions of the source of your fear until you are able to face the source of fear itself.
It seems like your major fears are that your looks and your ability to hold a conversation are inadequate.
Obviously it's probably too much to ask you to jump straight into trying to have a flirty 10 minute conversation with the first attractive women you see when you leave your house, but what is a smaller portion of those fears that you could try to take on?
Could you call one of the guys on these forums that you don't know and have a conversation with them (I'd be happy to talk to you)?
Could you go and get coffee from a busy coffee shop near you and ask the barista or someone in line next to you how their day is going, where they're from, if they are excited about the holidays, what they're plans are for Christmas, etc while you two wait for your order?
Could you put up an OLD profile with pictures of someone who looks similar to you, but isn't you?
Could you call some family, friends, colleagues and ask them for feedback on your looks, or even make a post asking asking the same thing on theses forums?
These are just examples off the top of my head. Try to come up with some on your own, and before you try them give yourself a little boost of confidence by spending a few minutes thinking of things you're grateful for, and slowly replaying in your mind times you have had good conversations and times people have told you you are or treated you like an attractive man.
Sounds like you've already done the AA program, which is really just exposure therapy for social anxiety, but it also sound like you had unrealistic exceptions for how easy things would feel and be after completing it:
sundleboro said:
If I do this program perfectly, do all the challenges (I did), I'll be superman."
which made you lose hope and feel like you failed.
Let me be clear,
YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER STOP FEELING ANXIOUS, but you can show yourself that you're attractive and capable of meaningful and rewarding social interactions DESPITE your anxiety, because
it's not about getting rid of your anxiety, it's about showing yourself that you're tough and capable and attractive enough to have good social interactions in spite of it.
Hell, you can even admit to being nervous, which most people will find charmingly vulnerable and extremely relatable.
One of these days I'll write up a little post about my own journey conquering social anxiety, but for now I'll just say I used exposure therapy to go from being afraid to even leave the house and feeling like I looked like a kid and a creep, to feeling like one of the more attractive people most places I go, being fairly comfortable talking to strangers and sometimes even enjoying being the life of the party.
But I didn't do it quickly.
In fact, I didn't ever stop doing it.
It's become a habit, like mindfulness, that I practice every day.
In the end exposure therapy is exactly the same as mindfulness, because you'll never stop mind-wandering and you'll never stop anxiety.
But
you can build your mindfulness and courage by practicing both every day for the rest of your life.
And
who's to say you can't become superman after a lifetime of acting like him ![Smile :) :)](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7)