MAC, it's good to see you're keeping your motivation up! But I'm concerned you might be burning the candle at both ends. This has happened to me in the past when I put a lot of effort into self improvement for dating. I had every hour of my day scheduled, every meal planned out. I would wake up to train early each morning, weigh myself, measure fat with calipers, go to work, crank shit out, listen to motivational podcasts on my commute, then train more, work on life-enhancing projects, fulfill social obligations, eat, check things off my checklist, and go to sleep. I had no happiness, no celebrations, no hope for the future. Just a todo list, and the knowledge that my only purpose in life was to check every damned box on that checklist every goddamned day. I named the emotional state was in - "grim" - the feeling of fully understanding your inevitable failure, but being committed to sticking it out anyway. I got lean and mean and knocked out some tough goals for me, but I noticed two things.
First, it was unsustainable. I don't remember what it was, but some hiccup came along in my life that just fucking threw me. And once I got thrown, it was impossible to get back on track. I just couldn't muster the willpower anymore to live such a regimented life.
Second, I became dull. Like, literally, I became an idiot. In social situations, I had nothing to talk about. I hadn't had any fun in months. I had no achievements of any note, since all my goals were long, arduous grinds. I'd lost all curiosity for anything outside my narrow interests. I'd just be standing there next to my friends, or people I just met - I liked them, I wanted to be friends with them, I wanted them to enjoy my company - but when I tried to think of something to say, there was simply nothing. Like grasping around an empty bucket, searching for something to grab, and feeling nothing there at all. I will never forget that feeling.
In athletics, there is a concept. Training makes you weaker. Recovery makes you stronger. If you are getting weaker instead of stronger, you are overtraining, which will lead to stagnant results at best and injury at worst. You must either improve your recovery, or reduce your workload. I think this idea might have some application here as well. What are you doing to emotionally recover from all this hard labor you are doing? Remember each time you start a self improvement task to be grateful to yourself - you are giving yourself a gift!
I also understand your feelings about women. I've felt the same things too, when I was extremely desperate. I would go from horny, to furious at women, to ashamed of myself for feeling that way, to hopelessly depressed. And of course, feeling depressed would make me want to lift my spirits, and I'd get horny again. I think it's a good thing for you to express those feelings to people who understand you, but I think it's also important that you recognize that they are just feelings, not facts.
I will also say that I have a lot of female friends who are extremely kind, caring, motivated, interesting, open-minded individuals. They all have anxiety, and would probably be confused and scared if a guy cold-approached them. Also, based on their ex's, none of them are into fat dudes.
