Relationships shouldn't be like this... Right?

[ziva]

I would like to hear some different opinions on relationships. I haven't been in one as of yet, but my mother has been in one for nearly 10 years now. Long story short, I don't like her relationship at all. I'm taking dating more serious right now, so who knows, I might be moving to a relationship sooner rather than later. Anyways my mom and her boyfriend act bitter towards each other for the majority of the time. My mother gets pretty disrespectful a lot of the time (saying stuff like "you're not a real man" & "I don't love you anymore"), and he lies a lot about stupid things, and doesn't do what he promises. I understand that no relationship, platonic or romantic, is a 10/10 experience every second until the universe ends. But if you argue 70 to 80% of the time, and disrespect each other so frequently, why are you even together?

My mom says this a lot "if there's still love, and there is no physical violence involved, you can still fight for the relationship to work out". But after almost 10 years of next to no improvements in the relationship... What's there to stay for? They'll probably die arguing. She also says "the grass is not greener on the other side", and "If I find someone else, I will have the same shit". So you're telling me that it's not possible for a relationship to be healthy for the majority of the time? I'm not saying it has to be a 10/10 relationship, but why should a 7, 8, or 9/10 relationship not be possible? I refuse to accept that this is the best a relationship can be. They have been passive aggressive, and arguing with each other, every single day, for the last 1.5 months. I've kept track of it. Sometimes they enter like 2-3 week periods, where they seem to like each other again. But this is the great minority of the time, and it has been since 2014.

I wouldn't stay with a woman who says disrespectful things to me so often. And I wouldn't act this immature, and lie so much like her boyfriend does. They only stress each other out, but their "love" keeps them together. I really believe I have no good example of what a relationship should look like. I ask my mom often, how come me and you almost have no problems, but you and you boyfriend have problems for breakfast?

For anyone reading, am I tripping, or is this not how a relationship should be?

 

[Squilliam]

You answered your own question. No, this isn't normal or healthy.

Hard to say what's actually going on between them without knowing more, but definitely sounds like an abusive relationship.

As you said, no relationship is perfect, but constant fighting is not normal. In a healthy relationship, there will be conflict of course, but both parties will work together to solve it in a diplomatic way.

 

[Red]

this not how a relationship should be?

Yep this is not ok.

The way the relationship works.
Is the guys responsibility.
So you have all the power in your hands.
To not follow their path.
And do it better.

 

[Zug]

No, it shouldn't.

Any relationship where the girl doesn't admire you is in a downward spiral. She needs to be able to think you're worthy of praise. You need to be able to think you're actually praise worthy. That guy isn't living up to his own standards, so how is she going to respect him? The most fundamental block of leadership is that anyone who isn't capable of managing their own life certainly isn't worthy of managing someone else's life.

Your mom's BF doesn't want to take responsibility for himself, but wants your mom to admire him anyway.
Your mom doesn't admire her BF, and wants him to fix it instead of realizing she opted into this situation.
They both are too lazy to end things, be lonely, and commit to working on their own problems. So they instead stay in a downward spiral and blame the other party for the situation. Its more comfortable than fixing it, even though it leads to an even worse place and that's even more uncomfortable to fix later.

 

[MILFandCookies]

I would like to hear some different opinions on relationships. I haven't been in one as of yet, but my mother has been in one for nearly 10 years now. Long story short, I don't like her relationship at all. I'm taking dating more serious right now, so who knows, I might be moving to a relationship sooner rather than later. Anyways my mom and her boyfriend act bitter towards each other for the majority of the time. My mother gets pretty disrespectful a lot of the time (saying stuff like "you're not a real man" & "I don't love you anymore"), and he lies a lot about stupid things, and doesn't do what he promises. I understand that no relationship, platonic or romantic, is a 10/10 experience every second until the universe ends. But if you argue 70 to 80% of the time, and disrespect each other so frequently, why are you even together?

My mom says this a lot "if there's still love, and there is no physical violence involved, you can still fight for the relationship to work out". But after almost 10 years of next to no improvements in the relationship... What's there to stay for? They'll probably die arguing. She also says "the grass is not greener on the other side", and "If I find someone else, I will have the same shit". So you're telling me that it's not possible for a relationship to be healthy for the majority of the time? I'm not saying it has to be a 10/10 relationship, but why should a 7, 8, or 9/10 relationship not be possible? I refuse to accept that this is the best a relationship can be. They have been passive aggressive, and arguing with each other, every single day, for the last 1.5 months. I've kept track of it. Sometimes they enter like 2-3 week periods, where they seem to like each other again. But this is the great minority of the time, and it has been since 2014.

I wouldn't stay with a woman who says disrespectful things to me so often. And I wouldn't act this immature, and lie so much like her boyfriend does. They only stress each other out, but their "love" keeps them together. I really believe I have no good example of what a relationship should look like. I ask my mom often, how come me and you almost have no problems, but you and you boyfriend have problems for breakfast?

For anyone reading, am I tripping, or is this not how a relationship should be?

You're 100% right. Relationships shouldn't be like that at all.

The way to find a girl like this is to be very clear about your boundaries. Sometimes girls don't know how to act to their boyfriends because they've had bad examples with their parents, or bad boyfriends in the past who don't respect themselves. Plus today's society unfortunately constantly prompts women to disrespect men and to demand respect in a masculine, forceful way. Because of this, I think finding a girl who's 80% there and helping her become 100% is a good modern strategy.

My girl is very respectful, reminds me how much she likes me very often, and respects my boundaries very well. At first she wasn't 100% like this. She admired me and would say it often, but from time to time out of anger she'd be disrespectful or passive aggressive. When she did that I'd immediately call her out, and if she did anything but apologize and stop immediately, I'd suggest we stop hanging out until she can be pleasant - and if it happened a third time then I'd say if she didn't like or respect me, we shouldn't be dating.

She quickly stopped being disrespectful or passive agressive.

Even the best women aren't perfect off the bat, and they need to be trained how to treat a man respectfully, since modern women have no respectful women models to learn from, and since society is very against treating men with respect. Sure, finding a 100% girl is ideal, but if you have an 80%+ girl who's willing to learn how you like to be treated and become a 100% girl, go for it. Just my opinion

Also, you've got a great example of what NOT to do. My father was in a similar boat. My mom walked all over him, chewed him up and spit him out. Seeing how she treated him, and how he didn't even try to defend himself at all - and actively fed into the disrespect at times (which was one big reason why she treated him like that) prompted me to learn how to respect myself and find women who treated me well. Having such a bad example (or a great example of what to NOT do) lit a fire under my ass and made me hungry to find a woman who adored and respected me. Use this as fuel.

 

[Antonio44]

I think you know the answer to this by now. But I would say - it's most probable your mum won't listen to advice like "break up with him".

I found relationship counselling really useful in LTR's previously - worth the suggestion. I feel like when you're with someone long term, there's a lot of value in understanding their point of view, even if you don't agree with it, and relationship counselling really helped me and my ex's in this regard.

It's not very gamey, but I learned a lot from it about empathy and most importantly how everyone sees and feels the same situation differently. Broke up with both the girls I went to counselling with, but it definitely helped me grow into a better man and realise my attachment patterns - (and I'd recommend it to everyone if you find a good counsellor - nothing like pouring your heart out to a 50 something granny about how you really want to fuck a baby into your spouse)

 

[ziva]

My girl is very respectful, reminds me how much she likes me very often, and respects my boundaries very well. At first she wasn't 100% like this. She admired me and would say it often, but from time to time out of anger she'd be disrespectful or passive aggressive. When she did that I'd immediately call her out, and if she did anything but apologize and stop immediately, I'd suggest we stop hanging out until she can be pleasant - and if it happened a third time then I'd say if she didn't like or respect me, we shouldn't be dating.

She quickly stopped being disrespectful or passive agressive.

Even the best women aren't perfect off the bat, and they need to be trained how to treat a man respectfully, since modern women have no respectful women models to learn from, and since society is very against treating men with respect. Sure, finding a 100% girl is ideal, but if you have an 80%+ girl who's willing to learn how you like to be treated and become a 100% girl, go for it. Just my opinion

Alright man, thanks for your reply. I knew there had to people out there who have better relationships than the ones I'm constantly exposed to. I think the part I quoted above is very powerful. You immediately checked your girl when she started becoming disrespectful, with real consequences (ending the relationship). My mom and her bf treat each other quite poorly, but they stay together. There is no real motivation to change, because they won't leave each other anyways

 

[ziva]

I think you know the answer to this by now. But I would say - it's most probable your mum won't listen to advice like "break up with him".

I found relationship counselling really useful in LTR's previously - worth the suggestion. I feel like when you're with someone long term, there's a lot of value in understanding their point of view, even if you don't agree with it, and relationship counselling really helped me and my ex's in this regard.

It's not very gamey, but I learned a lot from it about empathy and most importantly how everyone sees and feels the same situation differently. Broke up with both the girls I went to counselling with, but it definitely helped me grow into a better man and realise my attachment patterns - (and I'd recommend it to everyone if you find a good counsellor - nothing like pouring your heart out to a 50 something granny about how you really want to fuck a baby into your spouse)

Haha yup. She understands where I'm coming from when I say "you 2 are not forced to be together", but she does nothing with it. Relationship counselling sounds like something I would do for fun. Just to see what it might bring. Don't think my mom would tho

 

[ziva]

No, it shouldn't.

Any relationship where the girl doesn't admire you is in a downward spiral. She needs to be able to think you're worthy of praise. You need to be able to think you're actually praise worthy. That guy isn't living up to his own standards, so how is she going to respect him? The most fundamental block of leadership is that anyone who isn't capable of managing their own life certainly isn't worthy of managing someone else's life.

Your mom's BF doesn't want to take responsibility for himself, but wants your mom to admire him anyway.
Your mom doesn't admire her BF, and wants him to fix it instead of realizing she opted into this situation.
They both are too lazy to end things, be lonely, and commit to working on their own problems. So they instead stay in a downward spiral and blame the other party for the situation. Its more comfortable than fixing it, even though it leads to an even worse place and that's even more uncomfortable to fix later.

Man this is exactly what I'm thinking! My grandma used to tell my mom "At this point, you want this. Because the 2 of you are still together". My mom doesn't like this response, so she kinda stopped talking to my grandma about her relationship.

 

[ziva]

this not how a relationship should be?

Yep this is not ok.

The way the relationship works.
Is the guys responsibility.
So you have all the power in your hands.
To not follow their path.
And do it better.

I agree brother. Even bad examples hold lessons.

 

[ziva]

You answered your own question. No, this isn't normal or healthy.

Hard to say what's actually going on between them without knowing more, but definitely sounds like an abusive relationship.

As you said, no relationship is perfect, but constant fighting is not normal. In a healthy relationship, there will be conflict of course, but both parties will work together to solve it in a diplomatic way.

I hear you man. I can't believe how they're both so comfortable with being disrespected by each other all the time.

 

[MILFandCookies]

You immediately checked your girl when she started becoming disrespectful, with real consequences (ending the relationship). My mom and her bf treat each other quite poorly, but they stay together. There is no real motivation to change, because they won't leave each other anyways

10000%

Love is complete bullshit. The way most people use it, they're a slave to their feelings.

They think because they feel warmth when they think about their girl, they're in love and everything will be okay.

That's how relationships like you described are built - both partners have a bunch of expectations but do no work whatsoever and think their "love" will make everything work out.

In English "love" means so many things it's a useless word. You need warmth for relationships, but what makes them work is self-respect, respect for your partner (that they've earned), compatibility on several levels, communication, and space amongst other things.

You need to work at it. And also to be ready to ditch if it doesn't make you happy or make your life better.

You seem like a guy who takes responsibility for his life, so you'll be fine. Most people create shitty relationships... being in my first healthy one has given me a perspective on things... almost everyone has no fucking clue how to make a good relationship, and while they may be happy, truly healthy relationships are rare because most people don't want to put in the work to be a person worthy of one.

But you (and most people on these forums) are not normal people... we want the best for ourselves and won't take anything less. So you'll be fine.

 

[ziva]

You immediately checked your girl when she started becoming disrespectful, with real consequences (ending the relationship). My mom and her bf treat each other quite poorly, but they stay together. There is no real motivation to change, because they won't leave each other anyways

10000%

Love is complete bullshit. The way most people use it, they're a slave to their feelings.

They think because they feel warmth when they think about their girl, they're in love and everything will be okay.

That's how relationships like you described are built - both partners have a bunch of expectations but do no work whatsoever and think their "love" will make everything work out.

In English "love" means so many things it's a useless word. You need warmth for relationships, but what makes them work is self-respect, respect for your partner (that they've earned), compatibility on several levels, communication, and space amongst other things.

You need to work at it. And also to be ready to ditch if it doesn't make you happy or make your life better.

You seem like a guy who takes responsibility for his life, so you'll be fine. Most people create shitty relationships... being in my first healthy one has given me a perspective on things... almost everyone has no fucking clue how to make a good relationship, and while they may be happy, truly healthy relationships are rare because most people don't want to put in the work to be a person worthy of one.

But you (and most people on these forums) are not normal people... we want the best for ourselves and won't take anything less. So you'll be fine.

Thanks man! I indeed see the majority of the relationships around me not being the healthiest. If I didn't had Andy's YT channel or you guys on the forums, I might've thought bitter relationships/lots of arguing is normal. Technically it is, but fuck normal. That shit sucks haha .