These articles were originally produced on my FetLife writings, so it's a different audience and is heavier in jargon than usually used here. The views expressed here are how I like to practice dominance. As such, some language is used for screening for a submissive who enjoys that.
A Top is someone who has the skills to perform acts on another person. But a Dominant is the why and the intention behind those acts.
I think a good Top is someone who has a solid understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves about different aspects of BDSM to ensure safe and enjoyable experiences for both partners.
But what makes a good Dominant?
"Gasp! you mean a Dom is serving? That’s heresy!"
Yes. A Dom’s job is primarily leadership, which requires understanding the goals & desires of each person, you and I, and creating a clear vision for how we achieve those. A Dom is in service of the dynamic: the mutual vision for the relationship.
It’s impossible to reach any goal, whether that’s the heights of pleasure or growing the relationship, without being clear about what that goal is and how to reach it. Someone’s going to have to steer the ship or you’re going to get lost.
By being that person, the gifts that Dominants offer to submissives in the exchange are:
You & I are on the same team.
A responsible Dominant understands the power they hold and takes the well-being of their submissive seriously. The Dominant holds the responsibility of keeping the submissive and themselves accountable towards the shared goals, for making sure boundaries are respected, and actions are safe and consensual.
It’s only in trusting that the Dom is taking this responsibility is the submissive allowed to relax and give themselves over to the Dom. They provide a sense of security and guidance for their submissive, creating a safe space for them to relinquish control.
Important note for new Doms: When a submissive rejects your offer of dominance or revokes consent, they believe you're unable to take them to their goals or do not have their best interest in mind. In short, they don’t trust you. That’s ok. Maybe your goals don’t align or maybe you need to go level up. Either way you have gotten some good feedback. Now take the responsibility to improve yourself.
Reaching any goal takes consistent behaviors. Structure allows for those behaviors to occur easily. Despite my wild appearance and rebellious nature, I’m almost militant in the structure I’ve set to reach my goals and have respect for rules, so long as they are not arbitrary. Everything from waking up at 4:30 in the morning, 7 days a week to never having any drugs or alcohol.
“Does that mean no fun? Because that does not sound very fun…”
Of course not. Depends on your goal. If the Dom and sub have a mutual goal of getting the sub to the point of orgasming just from giving fellatio (personal favorite of mine), then a rule might be that every time the sub self pleasures, they have to imagine giving fellatio. They might practice repeatedly giving the sub an orgasm with a vibrator while giving fellatio. All of this is structured to reach the desired goal.
And who said orgasms aren't fun?
Some goals will be aimed at developing the relationship or helping each grow in some way, which may be difficult, so the Dominant helps set proper incentives and consequences with rewards and punishment to encourage the submissive. Rewards acknowledge good behavior towards our goals. Punishments modify behavior that is poor for helping us reach our goals.
A Dom confidently states what they desire, what they value, and what their boundaries are. They help the submissive to express theirs and listen without judgment. Then with both sets of goals in mind, creates a vision for where the dynamic is going.
Once a vision and goals are set, it’s the Dom’s responsibility to continue communicating as clearly as possible intentions, expectations, and what the dynamic is trying to achieve. When using rewards and punishments, a Dom clearly states why the reward or punishment is being delivered so the submissive knows which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.
A Dom continues to keep open lines of communication as both people are evolving with desires and boundaries often changing as the dynamic continues. As such, a Dom always seeks feedback from the submissive.
A simple example: a submissive says yes to impact play in order to please the Dom, and does not want to say yellow or red when things are getting too intense because they want to be a “good submissive”. When the Dom swats the sub and their body flinches, it's a good signal to the Dom you might want to check-in to see if the impact play is becoming too much. The sub is verbally saying yes, but their body may be saying no. If the Dom continues, the sub may regret the interaction later.
Without being aware of the situation, the Dom is unlikely to catch this situation. Awareness means the Dom is present in the moment, not stuck in their own head. They are in tune with what is happening in both their body and the subs. With this awareness, they can see when a sub is really enjoying themselves, and lean into that, or when the sub may be nervous or in their own head, and the Dom can invite them to sink back into their sensations and breath.
Although not practiced in BDSM circles as much, I believe the practices from Tantra focusing on breath and sensations are incredibly helpful for building awareness.
Part of my desire in our dynamic is that we both become better people because of it. Whether spending several months or one night together, I want to leave you just a little better than when I found you. I’m hoping at the end of our interaction you have learned something about yourself, a new pleasure, or a new skill.
This will mean experimenting, challenging you as submissive to step out of your comfort zone, and exploring every aspect of yourself, even the sides you may find dark or too taboo, so you may integrate them fully.
Now humility… I fall short on these. I’m only human. However, In my life, Dominance is not just a role I step into, but instead a set of traits I strive to live in all areas of my life. How you see me show up in the scene is how you’ll see me show up everywhere else. Although styles of Dominance can differ, these are the traits I strive to practice and you can expect from me if we’re in a dynamic.
A bottom is someone who has the skills to receive acts from another person. But again, being submissive is the why and the intention behind those acts.
“Wait. Submissives need skills too?”
Being submissive is not a passive role. You don’t just let things happen to you. Receiving is a skillful act. Both sides of the slash must contribute and actively participate to make it a mutually beneficial and enjoyable experience.
So what makes a good submissive?
“Wait just one minute… didn’t you say that was the Dom’s job?”
You’re right, but the way a submissive serves is different. While the Dom is leading the dynamic, focused on the desires of both people, the sub is supporting the dynamic in ways that are needed to achieve those desires. If the Dom is the captain, the submissive is first mate.
Whether one scene or an entire dynamic, leading is a lot of work. The sub is there to help the Dom in any way they need in order to reach the vision they agreed upon. The Dom can’t do it on their own. In fact, they don't exist without the submissive. Leaders need followers.
By being that person, the gifts that submissives offer to Dominants in the exchange are:
Because the Dominant has taken on the responsibility for the dynamic, holding the best interests of each person at heart, submissives signal trust by showing respect to their Dominant partner, acknowledging their role and authority. They treat their Dominant with honor and courtesy, even during intense BDSM scenes, and value their partner's guidance and decisions. Submissives show respect not just because Dominant’s hold the power, but because Dominants hold the responsibility.
Trust includes obeying the rules and direction set by the Dominant. These rules are in place for a reason. If the Dom has done their job well, you’ll know why. You’ll be expected to follow them. You’re not just doing it because the Dom told you to. You’re doing it because it will serve the goals and vision for the dynamic.
Remember, we’re on the same team.
While 100% power exchange, Master/slave dynamics exist, I want my subs to practice submission with agency. I could only do 95/5 at most. Rules are only good as the goals they serve. If I’ve lost awareness of where we are headed, how our actions are affecting the dynamic, or what your needs and desires are, then I need you to challenge me. While I hold the vision, you experience the details. I need to hear your voice.
Note to brats: There is a difference between challenging your Dom to be playful or to improve the structure of the dynamic, and being blatantly disrespectful. Personally, the former is encouraged. The latter will not be tolerated.
Once a mutual vision and goals are set, it’s the subs responsibility to deliver feedback about how intentions are being received, if expectations can be met, and if the dynamic is truly serving both people. Let the Dominant know when they are fucking up. Express gratitude and appreciation when the Dominant is doing well. Yes, we like to know we’re good, too. I’m Dom and I still have a praise kink.
Feedback is not always words. If we’re in the middle of play, body language, moans, and cries of ecstasy are all feedback too. As much as possible, express to me how you are receiving my actions. If you’re enjoying it, and you let me know that, you’ll receive more. If you’re not enjoying it, and you let me know that, I can change my actions for something more enjoyable. If you’re quiet, no one gets to enjoy themselves.
Personally, I can be positively influenced by:
As a Dom, I’m going to keep growing and bettering myself. I expect you to do the same. A good submissive will be open to learning and growing within the dynamic. You are receptive to feedback and strive to improve your skills and understanding of the shared goals. In an effort to be a better submissive and service the Dom, a sub will also take the time to learn the preferences of the Dom and how to best support them, knowing that they are leading the dynamic.
These are lofty ideals. They can be hard to hit. I don’t expect you to be perfect. Lord knows I’m not. Rather, if I’m going to take responsibility for you as Dom, put energy into you, I expect you to match that energy and strive towards these in our dynamic. In the process we’ll have a lot of messy fun along the way and build something great together.
What is a Good Dominant?
Generally, a Dominant is the person who takes on the role of authority, control, and power over the submissive. The D/s dynamic involves consensual power exchange, where the Dominant exercises control and the submissive willingly surrenders control, all within agreed-upon boundaries and guidelines.A Top is someone who has the skills to perform acts on another person. But a Dominant is the why and the intention behind those acts.
I think a good Top is someone who has a solid understanding of BDSM principles, techniques, and safety practices. They continually seek to educate themselves about different aspects of BDSM to ensure safe and enjoyable experiences for both partners.
But what makes a good Dominant?
Leadership: Creating Vision
A Dominant’s primary responsibility is to serve themselves & the submissive."Gasp! you mean a Dom is serving? That’s heresy!"
Yes. A Dom’s job is primarily leadership, which requires understanding the goals & desires of each person, you and I, and creating a clear vision for how we achieve those. A Dom is in service of the dynamic: the mutual vision for the relationship.
It’s impossible to reach any goal, whether that’s the heights of pleasure or growing the relationship, without being clear about what that goal is and how to reach it. Someone’s going to have to steer the ship or you’re going to get lost.
By being that person, the gifts that Dominants offer to submissives in the exchange are:
- Mental freedom from the monotony, anxiety, burdens, and chaos of life that is required to steer the ship, whether in a scene or in the relationship.
- Giving the opportunity to help, bringing joy and purpose to the submissive, knowing that the Dom has their best interests at heart.
- A container for the submissive to sink into their feminine energy when they have been swimming in the headspace of a hyper masculine world.
You & I are on the same team.
Responsibility: Creating Trust
The line, “with great power comes great responsibility” holds true in D/s dynamics.A responsible Dominant understands the power they hold and takes the well-being of their submissive seriously. The Dominant holds the responsibility of keeping the submissive and themselves accountable towards the shared goals, for making sure boundaries are respected, and actions are safe and consensual.
It’s only in trusting that the Dom is taking this responsibility is the submissive allowed to relax and give themselves over to the Dom. They provide a sense of security and guidance for their submissive, creating a safe space for them to relinquish control.
Important note for new Doms: When a submissive rejects your offer of dominance or revokes consent, they believe you're unable to take them to their goals or do not have their best interest in mind. In short, they don’t trust you. That’s ok. Maybe your goals don’t align or maybe you need to go level up. Either way you have gotten some good feedback. Now take the responsibility to improve yourself.
Order: Creating Structure
As a Dominant, order means building a container with rules, expectations, and structure that will help the submissive to reach the shared goals. They uphold the established rules and boundaries and provide stability and predictability for their submissive.Reaching any goal takes consistent behaviors. Structure allows for those behaviors to occur easily. Despite my wild appearance and rebellious nature, I’m almost militant in the structure I’ve set to reach my goals and have respect for rules, so long as they are not arbitrary. Everything from waking up at 4:30 in the morning, 7 days a week to never having any drugs or alcohol.
“Does that mean no fun? Because that does not sound very fun…”
Of course not. Depends on your goal. If the Dom and sub have a mutual goal of getting the sub to the point of orgasming just from giving fellatio (personal favorite of mine), then a rule might be that every time the sub self pleasures, they have to imagine giving fellatio. They might practice repeatedly giving the sub an orgasm with a vibrator while giving fellatio. All of this is structured to reach the desired goal.
And who said orgasms aren't fun?
Some goals will be aimed at developing the relationship or helping each grow in some way, which may be difficult, so the Dominant helps set proper incentives and consequences with rewards and punishment to encourage the submissive. Rewards acknowledge good behavior towards our goals. Punishments modify behavior that is poor for helping us reach our goals.
Communication: Creating Clarity
Communication is the bread and butter of a dynamic. Each side must be able to openly and honestly communicate their desires and boundaries. Dominant’s can help to facilitate communication by offering structure to a conversation & negotiation, knowing what key items should be addressed and then allowing the submissive room to express those.A Dom confidently states what they desire, what they value, and what their boundaries are. They help the submissive to express theirs and listen without judgment. Then with both sets of goals in mind, creates a vision for where the dynamic is going.
Once a vision and goals are set, it’s the Dom’s responsibility to continue communicating as clearly as possible intentions, expectations, and what the dynamic is trying to achieve. When using rewards and punishments, a Dom clearly states why the reward or punishment is being delivered so the submissive knows which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.
A Dom continues to keep open lines of communication as both people are evolving with desires and boundaries often changing as the dynamic continues. As such, a Dom always seeks feedback from the submissive.
Awareness: Creating Presence
Although there are some bad eggs out there, I believe a lot of consent violations happen due to a simple lack of awareness.A simple example: a submissive says yes to impact play in order to please the Dom, and does not want to say yellow or red when things are getting too intense because they want to be a “good submissive”. When the Dom swats the sub and their body flinches, it's a good signal to the Dom you might want to check-in to see if the impact play is becoming too much. The sub is verbally saying yes, but their body may be saying no. If the Dom continues, the sub may regret the interaction later.
Without being aware of the situation, the Dom is unlikely to catch this situation. Awareness means the Dom is present in the moment, not stuck in their own head. They are in tune with what is happening in both their body and the subs. With this awareness, they can see when a sub is really enjoying themselves, and lean into that, or when the sub may be nervous or in their own head, and the Dom can invite them to sink back into their sensations and breath.
Although not practiced in BDSM circles as much, I believe the practices from Tantra focusing on breath and sensations are incredibly helpful for building awareness.
Educating: Creating Growth
As a Dominant, educating means helping the submissive learn the skills and knowledge necessary to reach the shared goals. Educating or mentoring does not have to be a part of a Dom’s responsibility, but it definitely is for me. This may look like showing you something new or helping you work through unfamiliar emotions that arose during play.Part of my desire in our dynamic is that we both become better people because of it. Whether spending several months or one night together, I want to leave you just a little better than when I found you. I’m hoping at the end of our interaction you have learned something about yourself, a new pleasure, or a new skill.
This will mean experimenting, challenging you as submissive to step out of your comfort zone, and exploring every aspect of yourself, even the sides you may find dark or too taboo, so you may integrate them fully.
Love: Creating Intention
I have a very nuanced view of love, similar to the ancient Greeks who saw that love can be expressed in a multitude of ways. As a Dom, it’s not about what you do to your sub, but why and how you do it. In kink, there is a difference between abuse and play. That difference comes down to intention. Are you doing the act because you love the person? If so, you're going to care about boundaries, how it will affect them, and how you can do it better. I believe these acts should ultimately come from a place of love, rather than to hate or hurt that person. Even a heavy swat on the ass can be done with the intention of love.Now humility… I fall short on these. I’m only human. However, In my life, Dominance is not just a role I step into, but instead a set of traits I strive to live in all areas of my life. How you see me show up in the scene is how you’ll see me show up everywhere else. Although styles of Dominance can differ, these are the traits I strive to practice and you can expect from me if we’re in a dynamic.
What is a Good Submissive?
Let’s discuss the flip side. Generally, a submissive is a person who willingly consents to relinquish control, authority, and decision-making to their Dominant partner. Submissives take on the role of being obedient, compliant, and responsive to the wishes and desires of their Dominant within the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship.A bottom is someone who has the skills to receive acts from another person. But again, being submissive is the why and the intention behind those acts.
“Wait. Submissives need skills too?”
Being submissive is not a passive role. You don’t just let things happen to you. Receiving is a skillful act. Both sides of the slash must contribute and actively participate to make it a mutually beneficial and enjoyable experience.
So what makes a good submissive?
Service: Supporting the Vision
A submissive’s primary responsibility is to serve themselves & the Dominant.“Wait just one minute… didn’t you say that was the Dom’s job?”
You’re right, but the way a submissive serves is different. While the Dom is leading the dynamic, focused on the desires of both people, the sub is supporting the dynamic in ways that are needed to achieve those desires. If the Dom is the captain, the submissive is first mate.
Whether one scene or an entire dynamic, leading is a lot of work. The sub is there to help the Dom in any way they need in order to reach the vision they agreed upon. The Dom can’t do it on their own. In fact, they don't exist without the submissive. Leaders need followers.
By being that person, the gifts that submissives offer to Dominants in the exchange are:
- Service & support, helping sexually, emotionally, or physically
- Giving the opportunity to practice leadership, bringing joy and purpose to the Dominant
- Nourishing the masculine energy of the Dom with the playfulness and beauty of the feminine.
Respect: Trust & Obedience
Trust is a cornerstone of any BDSM dynamic, especially for submissives. This will most likely be the hardest act for the submissive, relinquishing control and trusting the other partner, even though it’s what they want most. You’re going to have to take a step of faith that they will guide you to where you want to go. Even in the best negotiation, vetting, and trust building, you will still have to take a step of faith that they truly have the best intentions. A submissive trusts their Dominant to respect their limits, keep them safe, and act responsibly within the agreed-upon boundaries.Because the Dominant has taken on the responsibility for the dynamic, holding the best interests of each person at heart, submissives signal trust by showing respect to their Dominant partner, acknowledging their role and authority. They treat their Dominant with honor and courtesy, even during intense BDSM scenes, and value their partner's guidance and decisions. Submissives show respect not just because Dominant’s hold the power, but because Dominants hold the responsibility.
Trust includes obeying the rules and direction set by the Dominant. These rules are in place for a reason. If the Dom has done their job well, you’ll know why. You’ll be expected to follow them. You’re not just doing it because the Dom told you to. You’re doing it because it will serve the goals and vision for the dynamic.
Remember, we’re on the same team.
Chaos: Challenging Structure
As a submissive, chaos means challenging the rules, expectations, and structure ONLY when those rules are NOT helping either party reach the shared goals of the dynamic. When rules are serving the dynamic, then the submissive is expected to follow them. With both their obedience and disobedience, they stress test boundaries to improve them and keep the Dominant in check from falling into tyranny. Doing so requires courage to not just people please.While 100% power exchange, Master/slave dynamics exist, I want my subs to practice submission with agency. I could only do 95/5 at most. Rules are only good as the goals they serve. If I’ve lost awareness of where we are headed, how our actions are affecting the dynamic, or what your needs and desires are, then I need you to challenge me. While I hold the vision, you experience the details. I need to hear your voice.
Note to brats: There is a difference between challenging your Dom to be playful or to improve the structure of the dynamic, and being blatantly disrespectful. Personally, the former is encouraged. The latter will not be tolerated.
Communication: Servicing Feedback
Communication is the bread and butter of a dynamic. Each side must be able to openly and honestly communicate their desires and boundaries. Even if the Dom has failed to facilitate a structured conversation, it’s important that the submissive actively stands up for their desires, values, and boundaries. This means active participation in the negotiation. Remember your agency. If the submissive is unable to do so, the Dominant may lead the dynamic astray.Once a mutual vision and goals are set, it’s the subs responsibility to deliver feedback about how intentions are being received, if expectations can be met, and if the dynamic is truly serving both people. Let the Dominant know when they are fucking up. Express gratitude and appreciation when the Dominant is doing well. Yes, we like to know we’re good, too. I’m Dom and I still have a praise kink.
Feedback is not always words. If we’re in the middle of play, body language, moans, and cries of ecstasy are all feedback too. As much as possible, express to me how you are receiving my actions. If you’re enjoying it, and you let me know that, you’ll receive more. If you’re not enjoying it, and you let me know that, I can change my actions for something more enjoyable. If you’re quiet, no one gets to enjoy themselves.
Play: Servicing Pleasure
Dominance is a heady game. We can get lost in our own mind, not present in the moment. Through the power of demonstrating submissiveness, being playful, and servicing pleasure, the sub brings their Dom into the moment, to what is right in front of them. Again, being submissive is not a passive role. In fact, submissives hold a lot of influence over their Dominant and can use that to help lead the dynamic toward the shared goals.Personally, I can be positively influenced by:
- Demonstrating you are a sexual being: increase the naughtiness, dressing provocatively, begging and worshiping, showing off your body, playfully initiating sexual acts
- Using verbal and non verbal sexual cues: dirty talk, voice tone, and putting yourself in physically submissive positions without command
- Serving without being asked: perform little tasks, ask what you can do to help
Learning: Servicing Growth
Part of my desire in our dynamic is that we both become better people because of it. Whether spending several months or one night together, I want to leave you just a little better than when I found you. I’m hoping at the end of our interaction you have learned something about yourself, a new pleasure, or a new skill. If I’ve given you an “assignment” it's because you have told me you want to be better in some way and I believe this will help you achieve your goals. I don’t give out tasks just for the sake of doing tasks. So take them seriously and do your best.As a Dom, I’m going to keep growing and bettering myself. I expect you to do the same. A good submissive will be open to learning and growing within the dynamic. You are receptive to feedback and strive to improve your skills and understanding of the shared goals. In an effort to be a better submissive and service the Dom, a sub will also take the time to learn the preferences of the Dom and how to best support them, knowing that they are leading the dynamic.
Love: Serving with Intention
I have a very nuanced view of love, similar to the ancient Greeks who saw that love can be expressed in a multitude of ways. Your submission is a gift. You don’t give that because you were told to. You give it because you choose to. You choose to intentionally serve this person because they care for you and you care for them. Love is your intention. Even if it’s not the grand romantic love. Remember, we care enough to leave each other just a little better off than when we found each other.These are lofty ideals. They can be hard to hit. I don’t expect you to be perfect. Lord knows I’m not. Rather, if I’m going to take responsibility for you as Dom, put energy into you, I expect you to match that energy and strive towards these in our dynamic. In the process we’ll have a lot of messy fun along the way and build something great together.
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