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What to work on first when you're a failure in most important areas as a man?

R

ronan1990

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2021
I'm 30 years old and I have a fuckton of catching up to do in pretty much all the important life areas. Even a cursory glance at the New Members posts shows most guys are way ahead of me and younger than me too. The thing is I don't know what to work on first; I have a hard time prioritizing goals. I guess I'm looking for advice.

Here is what I want to work on:

Financial life/Career: I've freelanced for 5 years but I earn only $2k in a good month and $1.2k in a bad month. Ideally, I want to earn minimum $3.5k monthly by the end of this year. I'm in the embarrassing position of still living at home at 30...this can't go on much longer because it's pathetic.

Women Life: I've only had sex with 3 women in my life. My number would be higher, however, any time I got into situations to have casual hookups in my 20s, I was too wasted to do anything. Furthermore, since turning 18, I have only actually been single for a total of 3-4 years.

Social anxiety: I thought this was something I'd grow out of, but I'm still socially anxious despite first identifying it as a problem well over a decade ago.

Persistent depression: I view myself and the world through a negative lens and I'm rarely in a good mood.

Fitness: I've never been fat, but I've also never been in shape. My heavy drinking habits resulted in the typical skinny fat physique for pretty much the entire last decade. I'm also a lazy cunt who hates exercise. I've never had notable muscles mas nor seen my abs. I keep using excuses like, "well people who get in shape often get depressed so it's hardly the cure for my mental struggles."

The problem is I have so much work to do that it's hard to know where to start. My initial intuition is that striving to achieve my financial goals should be non-negotiable at the outset. It is not acceptable to be living at home at this age (although it's remarkably common here in Dublin because rental costs are fucking insane).

Another intuition is that seeing as I have no self-esteem due to social anxiety and depression, I have no business trying to get laid before I address those issues. However, it's tricky to set specific measurable goals with mental health.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you guys might have.
 
Most people start with the fitness, and generally I agree.

Yes you're living at home. I would give yourself permission to keep living at home for 12-18 months while you get your shit together.

Fitness will have a large benefit on your depression and your attractiveness. It's a great building block for everything else in your life. Let me know if you need some idea where to start.

This is a good chance to work on your social anxiety. While you're going to the gym you can join Meetup.com and do some of the social anxiety drills, or even just do approach anxiety.

Towards the end of your fitness goals you can start working in style more.

Business is recommended last and with good reason. Once you start focusing on money, it can be hard to stop without just killing your business. Pickup / fitness can be done and dusted in 2-3 years if you're hardcore. Business is a lifetime endeavour.

Once you move out, and start paying rent, you can't just go back to 1.5k a month.
 
play_time_is_over said:
Most people start with the fitness, and generally I agree.

Yes you're living at home. I would give yourself permission to keep living at home for 12-18 months while you get your shit together.

Fitness will have a large benefit on your depression and your attractiveness. It's a great building block for everything else in your life. Let me know if you need some idea where to start.

This is a good chance to work on your social anxiety. While you're going to the gym you can join Meetup.com and do some of the social anxiety drills, or even just do approach anxiety.

Towards the end of your fitness goals you can start working in style more.

Business is recommended last and with good reason. Once you start focusing on money, it can be hard to stop without just killing your business. Pickup / fitness can be done and dusted in 2-3 years if you're hardcore. Business is a lifetime endeavour.

Once you move out, and start paying rent, you can't just go back to 1.5k a month.
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Cheers for your reply man. I would definitely appreciate some fitness advice. I've attached an image...as you can see, I have a bit of pudge on the belly and no muscle mass. This makes it eternally confusing about whether I should bulk or cut.

WPJDX4m.jpg


I would appreciate any further advice on fitness. Gyms are still closed here in Ireland. I have a barbell in my back garden with around 40kg worth of weights.
 
Hey man. Your openness, humility, and honesty is so praiseworthy. I am on this path too lad and have had to face up to many failures, though I did personally try very hard. What I will say is that all of these are fixable. You mention that other people are ahead, well, frankly that doesn't matter. There are people who are 19/20 who have fucking epic lives, and we may not ever catch up....OR, if we get in the trenches and put our nose to the grindstone, there may be some good times ahead for us.

I've been told that if I improve in certain areas I'll get a lot of return on investment from that and may be able to make solid progress. But who even cares? If you're happy and enjoying life you have won. Anyway, that aside, to give you some value, I'll share some advice Andy gave me: if you just refuse to give up, you'll get there in the end.

I have been there with social anxiety so I know, I have known that experience to the core of my being. It can go mate. I had great success with an approach I learned. Happy to share resources, it's all free. Just reach out if you want to hear more, I am not qualified to give any mental health advice but offer what has worked for me as a case study. Reducing anxiety is fucking beautiful mate and without a fried brain and nervous system life gets SO much better.

BTW, Ireland is fucking awesome, so you have that going for you! A beautiful country mate with a lot of wonderful people.

Good luck to you kid I'm rooting for you. I'm in your boat too, you're ahead of me in many ways, and I appreciate your openness and honesty that is a trait I appreciate.

MAC
 
In contrary to the previous opinions, I would move out immediately. It will both make you feel more succesful and make others respect you more. Even if it requires you to work more to pay the rent.

Start exercise right now. Forget about bulking up. You are overweight. If you bulk up you will get just more fat. Just cut down slowly while building lean muscle mass.
And by right now I mean TODAY. Its the thing that will take you the longest to see any results, so dont delay it.

After the moving out and fitness you can focus on your looks - hairstyle, style, grooming etc. Its all quick fixes. Then you can focus on getting girls, whether its online dating or cold aproach. Does not matter right now. You will worry about it when the time comes.

When you are done with getting laid phase only then focus on finance.

Thats it.
 
Agree with the other posters about priorities, but wanted to share some thoughts anyway.

The most important thing you need to do is collect small wins so that you can start believing in yourself again. At this juncture, self-belief, self-esteem, and a sense of going in the right direction are going to have the biggest impact on your happiness. And the best way to get those things is by setting goals and reaching them.

Why fitness? Because this is a path many people have walked before. You don't have to do anything particularly special or unique to get into decent shape. It's a matter of following a program and diet, putting in effort, and allowing time to pass while you stay consistent. Along the way, you will see incremental progress. Everyone who got down to 10% body fat did so by getting down to 11%. Everyone who got to 11% got there by going through 12%, etc.

Why style and looks? Because small changes can make a big impact right away. It's important to feel the impact of the work you do, to remind you during this hard initial stage that what you're doing matters and is useful.

I'd actually agree with you that it's better to wait on fixing your dating life, but I suspect I'm in the minority on this forum. In my mind, if you have severe depression, it's better to focus on collecting wins in areas where you have better control of the outcome. If you feel you must do something about this, I would focus a lot more on the outcome of working on your social anxiety and less on the outcome of getting laid. play_time_is_over suggested saying hi to people at the gym or doing meetup things - I like those ideas a lot. Lots of people on here have also done the GLL AA program and have glowing reviews to give about it.

I will also offer this about dating: if your relationships were good, then spending 8-9 of the last 12 years in fulfilling relationships is not failure. I think you should try and get rid of the notion of "I need to sleep with lots of women or else I've failed as a man." Above all else, success as a man comes from doing the things you want to do and living the way you want to live rather than using society's predefined measuring stick to judge yourself.

As far as moving out goes, I'd say do it, but do it for the right reasons. An example of a right reason is "I value my autonomy and I don't have as much of it as I'd like by living at home." The WRONG reason is "I'm 30 and it's pathetic for a 30 year old to live at home."

I like the idea of working on your finances. If you're clearing $2k some months freelancing, you already have some skills that people value. That means you probably have an idea of how to grow already, which means it lends itself well to small incremental goals that build up to bigger ones. Money is also the grease that makes every other part of life easier, so accomplishing this one will have knock-on effects for everything else.

Best of luck, bro. We're all gonna make it.
 
nipple-flip said:
Agree with the other posters about priorities, but probably not for the same reasons.

The most important thing you need to do is collect small wins so that you can start believing in yourself again. At this juncture, self-belief, self-esteem, and a sense of going in the right direction are going to have the biggest impact on your happiness. And the best way to get those things is by setting goals and reaching them.

Why fitness? Because this is a path many people have walked before. You don't have to do anything particularly special or unique to get into decent shape. It's a matter of following a program and diet, putting in effort, and allowing time to pass while you stay consistent. Along the way, you will see incremental progress. Everyone who got down to 10% body fat did so by getting down to 11%. Everyone who got to 11% got there by going through 12%, etc.

Why style and looks? Because small changes can make a big impact right away. It's important to feel the impact of the work you do, to remind you during this hard initial stage that what you're doing matters and is useful.

I'd actually agree with you that it's better to wait on fixing your dating life, but I suspect I'm in the minority on this forum. In my mind, if you have severe depression, it's better to focus on collecting wins in areas where you have better control of the outcome. If you feel you must do something about this, I would focus a lot more on the outcome of working on your social anxiety and less on the outcome of getting laid. play_time_is_over suggested saying hi to people at the gym or doing meetup things - I like those ideas a lot. Lots of people on here have also done the GLL AA program and have glowing reviews to give about it.

I will also offer this about dating: if your relationships were good, then spending 8-9 of the last 12 years in fulfilling relationships is not failure. I think you should try and get rid of the notion of "I need to sleep with lots of women or else I've failed as a man." Above all else, success as a man comes from doing the things you want to do and living the way you want to live rather than using society's predefined measuring stick to judge yourself.

As far as moving out goes, I'd say do it, but do it for the right reasons. An example of a right reason is "I value my autonomy and I don't have as much of it as I'd like by living at home." The WRONG reason is "I'm 30 and it's pathetic for a 30 year old to live at home."

I like the idea of working on your finances. If you're clearing $2k some months freelancing, you already have some skills that people value. That means you probably have an idea of how to grow already, which means it lends itself well to small incremental goals that build up to bigger ones. Money is also the grease that makes every other part of life easier, so accomplishing this one will have knock-on effects for everything else.

Best of luck, bro. We're all gonna make it.
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Thanks man, that was very helpful. I definitely have some skills that can command the kind of monthly earnings I want. I think the reason I failed to achieve that financial success in my 20s was that I didn't believe in myself enough. My opinion of myself was bad and that reflected in the types of clients I sought out (ones that pay badly) and in not marketing myself enough (successful freelancers know that marketing is most of the battle).

I think getting into shape definitely seems a good place to start. Because I have a skinny fat physique, I'm always overthinking the decision whether to cut or bulk. I think I will commit to cutting, though, and hopefully, with high protein intake, I can make some newbie gains through lifting.

The point about valuing my self-worth depending on how many women I've slept with hits home. I've definitely developed the mindset that slaying it with women equals long-term happiness and I won't ever be happy until I'm a player. I personally don't see myself ever living the player lifestyle long-term, but I do want to know what it feels like to have an abundance mindset when it comes to getting laid. I think a period of 2-4 years living that life will probably suffice.

In terms of the relationships I had in the past, they were good in some ways and toxic in other ways. My long-term mental health difficulties meant I always felt an undercurrent of dissatisfaction.
 
Same thoughts on hitting the gym, when I started out it was an awesome and productive vent for frustration on top of everything else. Plus validating af evey time someone pointed out I'd gotten buffer was huge.

Similar vein to the collecting little wins thing, one really quick and easy thing I did early on too was get height increasing insoles (or shoes if you dont have shoes that can fit them). Dont know how tall you are, probably diminishing returns if you're already tall, but for me going from "slightly below average" to "slightly above average" was a HUGE confiidence boost in everything from social situations to work to dating. Insoles are like $10 on amazon or you can buy shoes (tallmensshoes.com) for less than a hundred.
 
Hey man,

Im not going to give advice on priorities etc, I think everyone else has given advice on that + I think the correct answer would be the one that feels more important to you.

I wanted to give some very basic advice on the fitness though coming from someone who has had a skinny fat physique for many years (and mainly down to alcohol as well). Now im nowhere near where I want to be but I don't think im in the skinny fat category anymore. (Probably just need to add more muscle) but I'm happy with the progress I have made.

ive been going to the gym for many years but the most difference I saw was when I hired a personal trainer and one that was specifically focused on strength. So for the year or so I was with him we focused on the main lifts and just gained strength and after building up a decent level of strength (Or a lot better than my original strength anyway) he has now advised me to now train more for muscle building. I think the most important lesson from that was progressive overload in the main lifts, If you are doing squats / Deadlifts / chest press etc and are gaining strength and eating a good diet (I would say to focus on maintenance or just below or just above maintenance depending on what you're goal is - Probably for 100-200 calories below maintenance would work). I would also advise the PT to learn those movements or go with a friend / ask people here etc to learn the correct movements for each exercise.

Also in terms of alcohol the best thing would be to stop drinking all together while doing this transformation but you should also make it a lifestyle change so I will give some tips on how to drink + still work on these goals. I would try to stick to lower calorie drinks such as vodka + gas water + lemon or similar drinks vs vodka and cokes or beers / cocktails etc with much more calories. I would recommend tracking calories with MYFITNESSPAL or something similar and count the calories from you're drinks as well . If you are drinking 1x a week for example you can slightly less calories on weekdays to allow yourself more room on the weekend. Example if you're going to be eating 2100 calories then instead you can eat 2000 calories each day and then on the day you are drinking you have a extra 700 calories for drinks (Which if you're drinking vodka / gas waters is a few drinks) but I wouldn't advise getting wasted. Other things you can do is on the day you are drinking eat lower calorie meals in the day (Protein + veg) and just have one large meal before you start drinking to lower your calories on that day. You should also focus on recovery if you are drinking so still make sure you have enough sleep and make sure to keep hydrated.

Im no expert on this topic btw so take my advice with a grain of salt but this is just what has worked to improve my body from absolutely terrible to one that I'm more happy with but have a lot more work to go.

Goodluck man!
 
Lostcause said:
I'd actually agree with you that it's better to wait on fixing your dating life, but I suspect I'm in the minority on this forum.
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It definetely is. When dating you need to be ready for A LOT of rejections. Or even worse, total lack of opportunities. Its mentally draining, thats why I suggest fixing yourself first, dating later.
 
I'm not an expert or anything but getting healthier and in better shape will completely change the way you think and view yourself, so I would say start with that. I've never had huge depression problem, but I know that before starting to get in shape 8 weeks ago, I would often feel like shit, tired, don't want to do anything, doing my 8h of work, playing video games, masturbating and it would be like this every single day.

Since I started training I lost a ton of weight, got some muscle on, but most importantly I always have energy, even on days I sleep less I'm way more energetic than a good night of sleep 8 weeks ago and this overall greatly improve my mood.

Time weirdly seems to go by wayyyyy slower, like the past 8 weeks felt like at least 4-5 months with my old lifestyle idk why, but this is how it feels.

You are not alone here man, everyone here is willing to help to some extent and we all have our own struggles and strength which we can then use to help others!

Hope this helps in any way cheers m8!
 
It doesn't matter. Just start. Do something. Flip a coin and choose. You already know what to do though.
 
Everyone is giving good advice. I will just give actionable advice related to fitness.

Bulk or Cut? Both.

Bulking vs cutting is only relevant for hardcore bodybuilders / steroid users. natty's can easily put on muscle and lose fat especially if they've never done this before. No gym no problem.

You need a mix of pull / push exercise.

I would invest in a pull up bar, and 2x adjustable dumbbells up to 20kg each.

  • Pull Ups
  • Chins Ups
  • Pull Up Row (off the chin up bar)
  • Dumbbell shoulder press
  • Dumbbell Lateral Raise
  • Dumbbell Squats / Lunges / One legged Squats
  • Pushup (wide grip, close grip etc)
  • Shoulder Pushup
  • Bicep Curl
  • Dumbbell Tricep Extension / Skull Crusher

Split these exercises into 2 groups and do them an alternating days, 4 days a week.

Do each exercise for 10-12 reps, 3 times (total of 30 to 36 times).

If it gets too easy you need to make the exercise harder. (E.g. if you can do 20 X 3 pushups you need to do close grip, or one handed).

It's not a perfect workout, but doing anything is better than nothing. By the time gym opens you will be In a good spot.

For weight loss, download my fitness pal and start counting kilojoules / calories. The first 2 weeks are tough, then the app will remember your habits and it will be easy.
 
ronan1990 said:
I'm 30 years old and I have a fuckton of catching up to do in pretty much all the important life areas. Even a cursory glance at the New Members posts shows most guys are way ahead of me and younger than me too. The thing is I don't know what to work on first; I have a hard time prioritizing goals. I guess I'm looking for advice.

Here is what I want to work on:

Financial life/Career: I've freelanced for 5 years but I earn only $2k in a good month and $1.2k in a bad month. Ideally, I want to earn minimum $3.5k monthly by the end of this year. I'm in the embarrassing position of still living at home at 30...this can't go on much longer because it's pathetic.

Women Life: I've only had sex with 3 women in my life. My number would be higher, however, any time I got into situations to have casual hookups in my 20s, I was too wasted to do anything. Furthermore, since turning 18, I have only actually been single for a total of 3-4 years.

Social anxiety: I thought this was something I'd grow out of, but I'm still socially anxious despite first identifying it as a problem well over a decade ago.

Persistent depression: I view myself and the world through a negative lens and I'm rarely in a good mood.

Fitness: I've never been fat, but I've also never been in shape. My heavy drinking habits resulted in the typical skinny fat physique for pretty much the entire last decade. I'm also a lazy cunt who hates exercise. I've never had notable muscles mas nor seen my abs. I keep using excuses like, "well people who get in shape often get depressed so it's hardly the cure for my mental struggles."

The problem is I have so much work to do that it's hard to know where to start. My initial intuition is that striving to achieve my financial goals should be non-negotiable at the outset. It is not acceptable to be living at home at this age (although it's remarkably common here in Dublin because rental costs are fucking insane).

Another intuition is that seeing as I have no self-esteem due to social anxiety and depression, I have no business trying to get laid before I address those issues. However, it's tricky to set specific measurable goals with mental health.

Thanks for reading and for any advice you guys might have.
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Step one is to stop calling yourself a failure. I'm a total loser in a lot of ways and socially awkward as hell but I'm still starting to cold approach women, although it's very challenging ngl, but I actually had a really good approach yesterday that even a week ago I never thought would be possible for someone like me. You have to keep telling yourself you're a winner until you actually believe it, that's what I'm trying to do
 
Fitness. Fitness. Fitness.

Going to make you look better and feel better too.

If you can't hit the gym consistently. How can you expect to work on a business or hit on girls consistently.

Focus on that first.

I made fitness my life and it changed my life financially and mentally.

Was able to get hot girls and got a job in the fitness industry that pays very well. 5 Years ago I was 150lbs in college drinking my money away.
 
So how's it all resonating with you man? You can totally do this and everyone here wants to see you win.

MAC
 
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