Ravi, Year 3: Self-Improvement Log - Data-Driven, Incremental Growth. Feedback Welcome. Ego & Defenses, Dropping [XMAS MESSAGE FROM MAC]

MakingAComeback said:

The thing he, is very rarely gave a fuck, I've know him for years.

It was only this year he'd occasionally make these sorts of comments. Which is why it piqued my interest.

Whiny vibe, I don't think is a fair statement, he was clearly a bit triggered in that video, and he himself is going through his own shifts and realisations, moving away from decades of playerism, and probably lamenting the many women he had who were top tier and he could have settled down with, but didn't

I don't think he lacks self awareness, he's actually a very open, considerate, and quite balanced person

Click to expand...

He does make me chuckle sometimes, a lot of videos are like:
"Western women are all vapid whores..
So anyway, I'm in Miami ploughing these supermodels.."

It's useful to know money isn't solving the root issue though.

Ali said:

He does make me chuckle sometimes, a lot of videos are like:
"Western women are all vapid whores..
So anyway, I'm in Miami ploughing these supermodels.."

It's useful to know money isn't solving the root issue though.

Click to expand...

HAHAH yeah he is funny like that

It's like a few of the bros who used to post, who I still speak to, talk about their political beliefs and how they want to find a trad wife and escape to the woods

And then a week later tell me how they want to ascend, become a high SMV alpha male, bang endless sloots and obtain the fookin glow!!!!

Landed home again in the UK

Let’s start a successful monk mode era

3 days ‘off’

And then we go again

Ugh jet lag going from US to UK is far worse than the other way

Day 1 of the water fast almost done tho

Gonna take a few days to sync up properly

recovering, aligning, getting steady and back to flow surely....will take a few more days

had a good clarity call with a guy who wants to join IW. verbally agreed. he'll be great to work with.

cmu video going up tonight.

creeping back into it.

inner work focus.

Got up at sunrise. Woke up at 4am so waited a few hrs (until 7:25am) and went out.

Starting to settle in!

Got a bit of a repair mission to undergo now. Weight gain in California was not good.

BW: 229lbs

REKT!

More muscle, etc, at this time in my life. So it's not like I look awful like the old days. Gotta dial this in though. Plan was to go keto, and get myself properly lean in 2025. That can commence now.

Day is still light. Things aren't in flow yet. But will sync up.

Feeling better internally! Actually and legit.

Actions for today.............

-Walk & Audio {2hrs, go to the shops)
-Value Post: Your Patterns…
-Message catchup: Thankfully, despite not initiating contact, I still have friends reaching out. This is really good. You hear sad stories of people going through hard times, and fucking no one messages them. For months. They are always the ones reaching out. That is a bummer and shows how we're not building deep friendships in life. Sucks big time. We gotta break this cycle. And be better as men.
-Coaching Delivery
-Lunch
-KoT & Video
-McKenzie & Video
-Buteyko
-CMU: Content
-Inner Game: The Practice
-IW: Ken Call
-Inner Game: Read Pete Walker

Bit of a fucking mess right now in terms of structure. Will be like this until shit is settled down. Haven't been in England in ages! Weird here.

Gotta insure my car again, get an MOT, road tax, get back on the road.

Get into ketosis over the next few days, start losing weight. Get back in the gym next week, commit to that again.

And above all, INNER GAME.

Will come together....likely gonna be messy for 2 weeks, as there is a lot of admin to sort.

-MAC

Struggling with jat lag. Exhausted. Body clock will be off.

Not putting pressure on myself, and being compassionate. I'll align and be OK.

Don't enjoy feeling like this. Very tough. In a very compassionate spirit, though. Inner critic isn't active, quite at peace.

Positive signs of growth,

-R

Delivered coaching for IW, had a client call. Did some inner work. Got started with keto again.

Will slowly pick back up. No rush. Just focusing on inner work for now until the end of the year.

Can pick up life / biz then and sort out my goals for 2025.

Probably gonna be:

Organic Content Consistency: 365 Project

Bodyfat: 10% (gonna be a fookin stretch lul)

Inner Game: Consistency with inner work & monthly sessions w/ Dr Gavin / weekly CMU men's work

Probably something like that.

Will come together. Inner Game is key for the rest of the year. Did onboard a new client for IW yesterday, which is great, and have a sales call for CMU tomorrow. Not sweating any of this, these are just inbound leads/people reaching out to me.

This is 100% how I wanna do my marketing next year. Fully and completely.

TONNES of businesses do organic content well, and just have lead flow off of that. I will crack it, and I also learned, for businesses like mine (IW & CMU), it is basically organic content & relationship building. In the future I'll smash it but my trauma healing is 1000% king right now.

I know when that is right, the rest will come to me in life.

Slow week, tough, feeling shit. Will be alright tho.

Onwards.

-MAC

Had this on twice today, absolute cracker


Dr Chris is a legend and I find his take on ketosis for mental health recovery quite compelling

There appears to be 3 core facets in Inner Game recovery

Physiological - Removing the stress state

Subconscious processing & recovery

Rebuilding identity & selfhood

Think I'm developing a decent framework for cracking it.

Will keep testing my theories. The stuff is working, feel better after inner work. You DO feel resistance to it, I feel a lot, but you learn the minds tricks for trying to get you to avoid.

Alright, woke up at sunrise, circadian rhythm is recovering. Was SUPER hard to get up, which tells me inflammation, circadian mismatch, and nervous system regulation is still a factor.

It WILL align.

BODYWEIGHT: 230lbs! LOW SMV HELL

Just messing about the smv part lol. Yesterday, woke up stressed as fuck at 4am, heart pounding, cortisol and adrenaline through the roof, stuffed my face with some chocolates my parents had laying about, felt infinitely worse, and then at about 730am when I got my day started, committed to ketosis again.

The rest of the day, was solid. I will be logging my ketosis and bodyfat reduction project in detail here.

Despite the fat gain, I am super pleased with my muscle gain this year, which is undeniable. Looking at my chest, arms, shoulders, legs, this was a good investment. Though getting off ketosis, to follow my recomp coaches advice (I'm not working with them now), did involve lots of carbs and actual manifest decline in mental health this year, I knew it was happening and given my long-term commitment to self-improvement, was willing to go through the pain in order to gain hard, hard won muscle, become a bigger person, and set myself up for future success. Was the right move man.


The fat, will all drop off over the course of 2025, revealing the leanest version of me who has ever existed. When inner game is rock solid, we can pick the rest up. No approaches or dating apps until then so probably a year "out" honestly. WIll be worth it....

Thurs 14th
Sunrise, Breakfast
The Practice: 20m journalling fears and resentments / 20m meditation
CMU: Sales Call
Walk: Polyvagal theory
Message Catchup: Ralph, Kai, D, Carl, Paw, Dan, Vin, others. Been shit at replies, been too tired/stressed and was sick for the week before that.
IW Coaching Delivery: For the bros.
Lunch
Walk: Polyvagal Theory
McKenzie
KoT
Buteyko
The Practice: 20 m journal / 20m meditation
Dinner
Read: Pete Walker C-PTSD Workbook
Inner Game exercises
Admin
Bed

MakingAComeback said:

ketosis for mental health recovery quite compelling

Click to expand...

You should check out his book, lots of things that are similar to your Ironwill model.

Even some content ideas
Ironwill vs Harvard scientist
Did I steal this guys theory?!
Reviewing Dr Chris Palmers book
How Ironwill = Brain energy.

Adrizzle said:

You should check out his book, lots of things that are similar to your Ironwill model.

Even some content ideas
Ironwill vs Harvard scientist
Did I steal this guys theory?!
Reviewing Dr Chris Palmers book
How Ironwill = Brain energy.

Click to expand...

For sure bro, I actually been writing about Dr Chris for a few years, been on his groups, and he actually independently arrived at the same conclusions I did in IW. Infact, he does a lot of the "science" of IW in terms of biology & physiology. He, and Dr Jack Kruse, Dr Marcus Ettinger, Jason Yun, Dr Courtney Hunt, Matt Maruca of the Light Diet, and a few others, were whom I learned the physiology of true, effortless performance.

My framework for reverse engineering that, and fixing specific people, is unique to me and requires my brain to spot things and take them through the developmental journey.

I am going to take note of these content ideas as they are brilliant. Here is my current content plan, and I have added the above:


Will need this week to reset and recalibrate. I will slowly dip my toes back in from next week I think, and looking forward to us making some killer stuff. I have better gear here, such as my DSLR, etc.

Thanks for the post bro appreciate you, hope you are getting on OK?

-R

Having a lot of realisations, man. 100% glad I finally came to the core realisations about myself and where I'm at in my journey.

Way back at the start, people like Andy and Radical, did help me understand this was going to be a many year long road. I am glad Andy in particular helped me understand that. Eventually when I met The Dom, he also made it clear, as a hardcase, who started at 30, it is going to take many years to heal, grow, normalise, and change.

I am super grateful to everyone who helped me and you can see the passion I developed over the years for men's work. I used to just work in project management and was just going to do that. All that changed when I began seeing how deep the rabbit hole as a guy goes.

I am infinitely grateful for the patience of this community, and my old groups, The No Brains Crew and IronWill Grind Chat. I can see how freaking deep in my trauma I was in those times, and how it was just not going away. I am glad for the endless support, and in particular, the belief and patience of Pancake and Rags who could see I was a severe traumacel and of course my relational ability was so damaged from the brutal life I lived, I did actually need some small way of seeing others will not abandon/ostracise/otherwise resemble the hellish situations I was in for so many years.

Most people who are normies won't understand communities like ours.

And furthermore, people do not understand what it is like to truly come from the depths of the abyss like I did, and like others here did also.

I am not the only one. I see it when I read the logs. There are other men who came from the heart of darkness. I know the signs, and I know they are on a long, lonely journey.

Now, after many years, I truly "see it". And can connect the dots.

-Relational ability shut down
-Rebuilding sense of Self
-Rebuilding self-esteem
-Rebuilding self-belief

I am not one who is apt to trauma drump, that isn't useful, and frankly, the first decades of my life were so genuinely horrific, that I could scarcely put it into words. The few human beings who have heard the full story, simply looked at me aghast, in disbelief that I am still here.

Yup.

The survival instinct in human beings, is a real thing, and mine was always there. In the darkest recesses of hell, you still have a fitting chance. I am living proof.

Decades of such destruction, create an unconscious and subconscious mind that is so destroyed, it takes YEARS to rebuild.

And frankly, it is messy work, as you saw in this log the early years. And if we ever get an extreme hardcase again, you'll see them write the same things I was writing.

The wounds of being let down, again and again, enduring decades of abuse, living in unsafe, unstable situations, attracting vile human beings who disappoint you and bring a lot of chaos your way, when it's set back after set back, year after year, as time goes by, you either give up and check out, or, you simply understand that to see the light again, you are going to have to engage in a rebuilding process the likes of which very few human beings will ever have any concept for.

My entire physiology was destroyed by the time I was 25, and I was basically bed bound. That is what extreme chronic stress from the moment you leave the womb will do to you, with no safety, no where to retreat, when adverse childhood experiences take place early, you are also attracting others who are similarly wounded, and your relational dynamics do not create a proper psychological foundation for life. You live in survival, trying to seek safety, and this stress state is always active. Always. I am not the only one. I've spoken to others here who had the exact same thing.

Overcoming that chapter, was years of work on biology, getting back into work, and rebuilding from there, was years of biohacking, anxiety recovery, neuroplasticy, all this shit. While enduring loneliness to the soul, while living well under my potential, but progressing year after year,

When you are that deep in the shit, all you can do is pick up the shovel, wake up in hell every single day, and just say, fuck it, and dig, day after day, for years.....

I KEPT GOING. And on my 3rd promotion, I finally had the financial means and position in my former career to drop it all and start working on MY REAL PROBLEMS......

Which were, my relationships

Moving to London with TimmyTurner, was the first time in my life I was truly happy. It was the first time I actually experienced genuine goodness. Timmy, was a legendary human being. I met JourneyToOptimal there, who has become one of my close friends. The forum was fun as fuck at that time, and was a bit more active than now due to Andy, and also, I was so fucking determined to win.

I was a virgin. And then got laid. I slept with some attractive women, and just couldn't believe what as happening.

I went from 250lbs to 187lbs and was approaching daily. Legend shit. Did over a thousand, and my AA began to go away.

Banged lots of chicks, tonnes of dates, fucking awesome time. Started IW at the end of that year and went back to my parents to build it and learn biz. The first year of learning biz, is just a blur. It was a lot of stress.

Beyond that, went to Budapest as you recall, living with Paw helped my relational healing and ability to form relationships probably more than anything else I did. I want to assure you, the times I had in my life before this were fookin grim. You are not living a normal life and forming normal friendships and stuff. And the people you do connect with, are other traumacels, who are getting their shit back together. And those people, are just not who you want to be around. Paw, was a fucking normie, and had not lived a life of pain, misery and sheer destruction like myself. This, helped me a fuck tonne. He also is one of my best friends to this day, called me yesterday actually, and is one of the things that helped me heal.

Some people actually care about me, and have become actual friends to me. I left all the chats I was in people trauma recovery is so exhausting and such hard work I literally can't handle it. But so many, still reach out.

Ralph, who I posted above, despite some of the comments people made about him, is a good person who has actually cared about me as a human being, asks me how I am, wants to see me back in my groups, and you have to understand, the kind of people I knew in my old life before self-improvement, were genuine pieces of shit who didn't care if I live or die. They were all fucked up people, which is who you attract when you grow up in abuse, and the walls I put up, the challenges I had building any type of proper relationship, all became clear to me as the years went on.

Timmy, was an awesome friend. I would feel anxiety texting to him when I left London because my psyche was in such pain it wouldn't let me do "non goal" directed things. @Thebastard was an exceptional friend and mentor to me, but when my early childhood trauma discover began, I wanna say, about January of this year when I was still living in Budapest, when he would message me I would shut down and go into freeze.

The reason was, The Bastard, was getting really close, and I had opened up to him a lot, and he was a safe and trust worthy person. I can say, he was more mature than most, and more supportive and compassionate, than most human beings I have ever known. I can say, I truly respect and admire him as a man, and he saved my life along with Andy. If I succeed in my life and become who I must, it will be about 5 guys who were just unwavering in their support that I will attribute that to.

The relational difficulties were emerging here. I didn't understand it at the time, but I just COULDNT respond. I would freeze and couldn't deal with it. Dr Gavin has helped me understand this, but this is a form of subconscious defence mechanism when someone has gotten really close.

The Bastard, understandably, just let me know this wasn't acceptable, and didn't speak to me after that, but he was very kind and mature about it.

I still haven't reached back out, and still do feel anxiety about doing so. This, is because the traumas I need to resolve, are still there, and being worked on.

I wanna say, 99% of the men who were in my core circle as I was going through all of my trauma discovery, were supportive to the extreme. There were only 1 or 2 who grew so tired of hearing my crap when I was deep in my trauma they turned on me and got malicious. I was surprised, but I do not blame them at all, have no judgement towards them, and wish them nothing but good things. Understandably, I never spoke to them again after that. I don't believe in turning on people when they are going through dark times, and I understand what healing and recovery looks like, and how it is deeply uncompassionate to do this when someone is actually doing the work and doing all that is humanly possible to heal and grow.


WHY MENS SELF IMPROVEMENT & HEALING IS MY MISSION

There is just nothing like what we have here, and what I was able to build to help me recover and become who I am today. I will fully recover, heal, and grow, and get to where I need to.

Spaces like ours are shared, they allow men to rebuild themselves, and be positive, contributing members of society.

Which is why I do this, and the other work I do. It became a calling, and a mission. And I will suceed.

Most men do not have a thought in their brain, that says, alright I'm going to cold approach and use the apps and fuck tonnes of chicks whilst living the self improvement life for a few years. Probably they'd see characters like Scotty and Chris, think they're weird, and call it a day.

Guys like us, are the small subset who for some reason, actually relate, and we are the tiny, tiny few, who will become so serious we enter spaces like this and just commit 100%

I also believe, there is a reason they are like this.

They have had their own wounds, some healed, some resolved them, but they have ALL had their own journey.

People don't spend hours of their own time, to help someone else, if they do not deeply come from a place of having been there, and wanting to see that pain resolved in others.

This, is a great thing.

Onwards

I am going to make it.

Got back here, got back on keto, already lost 5lbs.

Doing inner work for hours each day. Got expert guidance, at all levels, and over the past few months of going this work, have healed SO MUCH.

I can see, how I was a few months ago, and how I am now, is a major improvement.

Like all other goals, I will achieve this one, and on the other side, I will:

-Be lean, attractive, have great style, and an archetype
-Unlock deep groundness, self-belief, swagger and vibe
-Build 2 successful companies in specific niches, that align with my own unique mission in life (IW & CMU)
-Restore my relational ability, have deep and meaningful, flourishing friendships, relationships with men and women alike, and be able to live a fully healed, well rounded life
-Explore the world, live a legendary life
-Continue to be an advocate for mental & physical health recovery, for creating performance and achievement, and for transformation and success

I'll get there.

Of this, there is no doubt.

I am an achiever, determined to a level few will ever understand, and have a proven track record.

Inner game issues, are no joke, and when you discover them, which took me 3 years of going through a full developmental process, it is time to take the bull by the horns, face the dragon head on, and prevail.

As you can understand from this post, this is why there is no point in me doing more dating. I slept with pretty girls this year, and still felt bad inside. I had a girl who wanted to be in relationship with me, who I found flaws in and amplified them with a tendency to see the negative, and downplay the positive. I got an audio note from Ralph, who reminded me of some of the things I was saying a few months ago when I was deeper in my trauma. "Low SMV hell", "cockroach", stuff like that. I was sad to hear these things because it shows me how deep I was at that time. I wouldn't say these things now, and it upsets me that I was there.

Realisations and breakthroughs, come when the seeker is ready.

This, WILL be resolved, and I'll find what I see.

Alright. Going back to it.

Keep working lads,
-Ravi

Very helpful video:


And another one, here, and this is why I am taking the next 6-9 months mostly solo or in CMU:


Going through deep inner game recovery is a truly complex situation, and it will spill over inappropriately into your life, in a manner that isn't fair for those who are not themselves going through this experience

Hmmm. Another one of the PUA guys in London committed suicide. Sad. RIP.

I didn't follow the bloke or anything, but he'd come up on my feed over the 10+ years I've been working on this stuff.

See, he had underlying trauma, and whilst working on himself, had clearly not been making the progress he'd like. It's clear to me, many getting into this space, have their own deep wounds, and I see the infantile pursuit of lay counts, to be just that, for these cases. The chap, ultimately took his own life, due to the sheer human misery he was experiencing. That's after 10+ years of pick up, training others, etc.

It's a lot of people. Remember our dear Andy was suicidal for 10 years. When I was group coaching with him, I believe he was battling alcoholism and sloshing the whiskey and smashing the video games like no ones business. You'd have never known, he was so incredibly good at coaching.

Clearly, Andy genuinely did the work on himself, properly, for years. Had his own life coach and also studied the subject deeply, and committed to it.

That, is why he's awesome and winning in life now.

Has to be the way we do it. Actually handling our shit. Rather than plastering over it in the pursuit of the holy vagina......

I fully respect, it would be hypocritical of me, to now kick away the ladder after I dealt with my own wounds with getting dates, getting laid, and fucked tonnes of women and got my masculinity together. I recognise, I DID need that, at the time, to get out of deep soul pain and start to shift into where I am now.

See, gents, this shit, involves EVOLUTION

Andy did it the right way. He stopped approaching and let Immy handle all the dating, YEARS AGO, which freed him up to just do inner game and business.

Andy, really is the real deal. He was a fantastic coach to me, helped me enormously, and I have been grateful to him for years. I am kinda following in that direction now of working more on healing myself further. I have 100% healed a lot, but I know how these things go, and I'll take a bit longer to properly get to my own next level.

Which, is fine. Because when you're sorted, you tend to crush.

This was always the case with me. I worked on my biology for 2-3 years, and was well enough then to come here and work on dating. I went off like a fucking rocket. Became something of a legend.

This year, about Jan/March, I realised, yeah bro, you are absolutely winning now, you've began living a sick ass life. TIme to end the pain. And hence embarked on the Mexico chapter.

A lof to these realisations came to me, sat on the beach alone, for hours, getting deep inside my head, figuring out how I got to be a blackpill incel in the first place, and how I suffered so remarkably for much of my life.

I realised I was a traumacel at that point, and began the trial and error of developing my Inner Game methodology, like I developed the IronWIll methodology to fix my overall performance & life.

This shit was hard, man, and I don't judge these guys who can't figure it out.

However, we're cracking it now, Coach D piloted it with me, I saw results, I piloted it with some users here, they saw results.

Me and Coach D, then understood, this has to get to the world. And we the unique mechaims into Core Masculinity University.

I will be giving a full Inner Game & Men's Mental Health series, away for FREE, and me and Coach D will put it together next week.

EVENTUALLY, we'll grow a huge following for CMU. This will be the forums for CMU.


They will come. They will be served and given a safe space.

And I will have the damn impact I am looking for.

The problems that blighted me, and almost made me take my own life, will be f**king destroyed. I still hold some anger at what I had to go through. And I will perform this work, tirelessly, until I know I have made a genuine difference.

It is about something different for me....it is personal...............had I not found the information I had found online, it would have been it for me.

I must get it out to a larger audience.

I WILL SUCEED

-MAC DADDY

An interesting piece I recall as I've been piecing this all together since my early 20s

The aetiology of trauma

The chronic stress, the lack of safety, the abandonment, which rather tragically, leads to the subconscious abandonment of yourself.....

You totally lose that sense of self, and then, have no sense of direction anymore

You just live in pain, twisting this way and that, trying to put up some thin veneer of normalcy

Until you are forced to confront it

And then, comes the long search for selfhood, and reconnection again

It is possible to heal and be whole again.

And this should be the journey. Towards integration, and towards discovering the man we were meant to be,

-MAC

I met Johnny a few times back in the day, he was always really kind and encouraging and provided us all with lots of laughs, both in leicester square and online. Decent guy, sad to see what he was going through.



Made me think about the last childhood fairy vid that you posted, I think people do care more than we think, I don't want someone feeling low to watch that and interpret it as no one cares. Like sure, people don't want to hear rants about your problems 24/7, but those close to us do care about us and it's OK to lean on them for support sometimes. I was lucky to have good friends and an ex that listened to me when I was going through my childhood trauma processing, and trying to pay that forwards by helping others with their own stuff always makes me feel warm and fluffy inside..



Sending love to you all today, you're not alone.

MakingAComeback said:

Hmmm. Another one of the PUA guys in London committed suicide. Sad. RIP.

I didn't follow the bloke or anything, but he'd come up on my feed over the 10+ years I've been working on this stuff.

See, he had underlying trauma, and whilst working on himself, had clearly not been making the progress he'd like. It's clear to me, many getting into this space, have their own deep wounds, and I see the infantile pursuit of lay counts, to be just that, for these cases. The chap, ultimately took his own life, due to the sheer human misery he was experiencing. That's after 10+ years of pick up, training others, etc.

Click to expand...

To add context, he had chronic OCD.

Will reply gents. Having a lot of trauma processing happening!

Very odd experience.

-Wild unexplained headaches
-Insane, insane sex drive, for no reason

Apparently, normal in trauma processing. The human mind has it's own mechanisms to restore balance and order, and you have to just give into it and let it go.


FORTUNATELY, I run my own biz, and can have this period of my life directed towards my own healing and recovery.

Just going to let it take it's course and keep getting progressively more healed.

May be a boring log for a while.

IS what it is!

A lot of connecting the dots now.

Woke up today, clear headed, happy, grounded.

Went for a walk. Listened to music. Felt an auditory experience I've not for years. The shutdown state, often brings with it inner-ear shutdown - loss of pleasure in music, and the auditory experience.

Was an interesting experience to actually appreciate music again. Think the last time I enjoyed it, was in my early 20s, when I was in the deep house scene, and could still "feel". Ability to feel, showing signs of recovery. Long way to go, to be fair, but improving.

A tonne is making sense and I am seeing clearer.

-"Browndowns", "Mental breakdowns" etc, were not that. These were 'PTSD meltdowns' and are 100000% normal in C-PTSD, happen in the recovery journey, and we DID indeed handle this correctly. These must be respected, given time, and the person going through recovery is going to have many. Until they finally become "aware" and start to understand, it's not them, it's their wound.

Trauma = Greek word for wound.

These are a defence mechanism the psyche has. When you're getting close, it's a live wire - it will explode.

The solution, is for the light of consciousness, to be brought to the wound, with endless, saintly patience, in a safe, safe, non-judgemental space.

-Defense mechanisms: Your psyche, in hardcases and destroyed people, have endless defence mechanisms. All sorts of logic and rationalisation. All bullshit. The individual has to see their own bullshit. It is pointless to argue. You have to leave them at it. This is utter distortion, and they have to be seen, heard, and made to feel safe and non-judged, for a long ass time, as they walk the long lonely road out of hell, and have to tunnel out of the prison they have build for themselves, and back into the world.

My defence mechanisms, were multiple, complex, and towards the end, super interesting.

As I was getting increasingly of my trauma, my final deep defence mechanisms were being a wild and flagrant asshole. This, again, is normal in human development. When children are approx. the age of 2, they start saying no to everything and are utter assholes. This is because, as Selfhood re-emerges, nature's code is to get all beings, to have INDIVIDUAL AGENCY and resist the imposition of the outside world. Why I broke through this particular defence mechanism, were people like Pancake, Rags, actually didn't waver an inch. That had an impact on my psyche that broke that particular wall down.

And I have seen a lot of the inner mechanisms and the games trauma plays.

The more light of consciousness sent to those areas where the defence mechanisms are erectec, and the more human patience and kindness that is shown, the more regulation work that is done, and the more processing work done, the more it lifts, heals, and allows one to see reality.

I will also credit Andy & Radical for having the patience of saints during very dark times of PTSD meltdowns towards the earlier part of the journey.

Trust and finding proper "game aware" people to walk out of hell with, is why I actually discovered all of this stuff this year. You need people who actually understand Inner & Outer game, to even figure this stuff out about you. These people are just so, so rare, and what is even rarer, is having the saintly patience to actually walk with a guy out of hell.

You have to take the person by the hand and slowly walk out of hell with them, and the defence mechanisms and darkness in their psychology, means they are going to unravel, break down, and go through the deepest suffering imaginable.

And this is normal.

That's the game of inner game recovery.

I am now on the road to recovery and have gotten further along than I've ever been in my life, because I had a safe group of men who didn't judge me and saw through my defence mechanisms, and let me continue my healing.

I was fortunate that MOST of these men, were the right kind of people to emerge from hell from. I did have some who couldn't hack it and they understandably fell for the defence mechanisms and the many ways you push people away, and began attacking me etc which anyone who doesn't know the game will do. You can't blame these guys because they're not competent in men's work, but fortunately, we are now getting there and this experience has taught me so much we have a lot we can do with people now. Ofc I can't have people like that around me, on the forums, etc. Put too much work into this place to have people undoing hard work done with guys and fucking them up.

CMU is going to be the perfect space for this. We have a Master (Coach D), and we have myself as the Student Success & Performance Coach to help create the safe space, create the deep experience, and use frameworks and methods to take the entire cohort through their own, bespoke transformational experience, tailored to their own wounds/inner game issues (they all have them btw, we've already got a bunch of guys in the program, all high ticket clients for CMU ofc).

THE FUTURE OF DEEP MEN'S WORK @ WINNER WITHIN

We will help people solve this complex puzzle, and we will be the adults in the room, who do this right.

The previous generations of men's work, had massive gaps, but DID get us to where we are today. The previous waves, GLL, etc, all helped us come to where we are now, which is a more holistic, individualised approach, respective:

-SMV
-Outer Game
-Inner Game
-Archetype/Location
-Biology & Physiology

Doing this work, is going to be able creating a completely safe, non judgemental space, with endless patience, so we can help people go in their own INDIVIDUAL JOURNEY, without getting in their way, to allow them to find their own freedom.

The framework we have in CMU, is very solid, and will probably be operationalsed for a broader problem solving framework I will teach to others. The deeper relational work and men's work, has to be done with other men, and can't be done on a forum etc. You need to be given endless support, patience, and nurture. Which is what I had with No Brains Crew & IW Chat.

The team I have here, in the future, will be more aligned with this. All mods and the core team moving forward, will be competent in men's work. Bman is solid. That is enough for now. Gonna take me a while to heal myself and then growth of all my projects (IW, CMU, this community) will be given full focus. That season will come.

Deep gratitude to the great ones who helped me connect the dots. There are so few competent and "inner game aware" people in this world, these men are rarer than f**king diamonds. Pancake, Coach D, Rags, The Dom. That is literally it.

And what is even rarer, the most rare resource in the known Universe?

Men who will actually patiently help you emerge from all of that hell.

Coming from a lifetime of relational shut down, where I'd been in situations so dark, so truly vile and awful, I was shut down beyond words and had defence mechanisms you wouldn't believe, was brutal. To give you an example of some of the sick shit I've been through, in Uni I was coming from a hardcase background so fell in with some right nut jobs, one day I offended one of them, and for the rest of the time of living with these guys (2 years), they fully ostracised me and wouldn't speak a single word to me. Imagine living in a household like that, where they are speaking to each other, having a good time, living normally, etc, and they just outright refuse to speak to you. If they absolutely had to speak to me, they would only ever give one word answers. Truly nasty pieces of work. I did have mates outside of the flat, and they were nice, which helped me get through that time. And I can tell you countless more examples of just dark, dark human experiences of nightmarish situations that went on for years. Stuff that no human being should do to another. I have mentioned the brutal beatings I had growing up, which were taking place from the time I was single digit age. Truth is, I am a guy from an absolute hellish nightmare of a background, coming from absolutely dirt nothing, zero, abuse, destruction, I was mentally checked out and switched off deep in C-PTSD for most of my life. I have never seen a case as hard as mine. And yet, there's so many other people like me in this world, who just end their own life to be honest because the laundry list of problems you have to fix, is just beyond words.

So, how I responded, was just to subconsciously find a way to build a normal life. Your mind internalises these things, and they become walls, unconscious shifts, and all the rest. The deep parts of you, are working on it, and it takes that long.

THE GOATS

@pancakemouse
@Rags2Bitches

These 2 mofos need a knighthood or something

One day, I will actually achieve my vision, and I'll tell you more about the shit these 2 dudes did behind the scenes to help me take one of the most destroyed human beings of all time, and out of that utter wreckage, slowly but surely put together a human being again

Fucking nuts

I absolutely will fully heal. I am WAY better now. The first 2 years of this shit, I wasn't ready to open the door of the dungeon. In deep men's work, you need to build your internal psychological and physiological strength to be able to START the inner game journey. My old mentor Dr Jesse Steinberg taught me that one, and he helped me understand a lot of the complex, multifaceted journey of full healing and actualisation. I can say, he helped me put together The IronWill Methodology, which is why I am still alive, and fortunately I was smart enough to create a comprehensive, scientific method for taking even the most destroyed hardcase (ahem) and turning them into an achiever. I knew this was going to take years. I knew this was going to have different stages, themes, and different things to attack at different times.

It gets better, and then "feels worse" as you go through more healing crisis, etc. All normal shit and I am so seasoned in the healing game now I just know what to do.

Making this post now, as the actual green shoots are there now. Seeing the textbook signs of recovery.

Will take a while, I'm talking 6-9 more months, but by the end of that, I'll be where I need to be.

We resume the "mission" at that point, I get my healthy and strong relationship with a woman, and be a man who is successful and healed enough to actually be a good dad and raise healthy happy children, and put the fucking hell that was my own life behind me, so the next generation are happy healthy people and the nightmare ends with me.

I'll be the one who the end to multiple generations of trauma.

THE BUCK STOPS HERE

I WILL BE THE ONE WHO BREAKS THE CYCLE

-MAC DADDY