Alright, slept well yesterday. Did even have an emotional release in the form of crying, which never happens, I am emotionally suppressed so often don't feel.
I am cracking inner game a lot now. Some things I am finding useful in my research:
-Polyvagal theory: Explains why we need to cultivate feelings of safeness, for our brain to normalise itself and for us to heal, and how staying in the stress state, perpetuated by triggers, responses, and living a life that is driven by fear/anger, keeps us stuck.
This theory would suggest, due to unresolved trauma, this has maintained a level of inner tension, which means relationships remain at their shallow stages, and cannot mature into deeper ones. I think there is something to this theory. When I was in the No Brains Crew chat, when I was very much in my trauma era, thinking & living in my triggers perpetually, teetering the edges of sanity at times, Rags did mention that people who have underlying adverse emotions and anxiety will have relational difficulties, which may be why things didn't progress further w/ S, though she was an awesome human and gave me my first proper emotional experience of dating, I can see how I didn't have the underlying ease that would have enabled us to "go there", which is fine, because she was the first woman to give me good treatment which is what I am looking for. The only reason I came to this website was to lose my virginity and to find my first girlfriend. I can also see why I had frustration at myself for just persuing casual sex, giving myself an out of fixing my core issues, which are my underlying unresolved traumas and core emotions of fear and anger, which are perpetuated by thinking patterns, pressured operating, and inappropriate beliefs.
When I was with Pancake in NYC, he also helped me spot a few things. He helped me understand, I never got truly comfortable in set, despite a boatload of approaches. This would also be supported by the unresolved emotional trauma explanation of my current development.
I trust the above two (Rags, Pancake) and I barely trust anyone in this space, due to my defense mechanisms of cynicism, jadedness, and anger/hostility, which my subconscious trauma patterns erected long ago to keep my sense of Self protected. This is "body wisdom" and the emotional charge of the world is then suppressed. Hence why, as I've been in my inner game era, the issues with sleep lately, the "big" emotions of anger, fear, etc, even the crying yesterday. Subconcious emotional release occurs from me cracking the inner game equation.
Like I cracked biology and got to be really excellent at rebuilding that, and like I did the same with brain reconditioning, the final piece of inner game, I will crack. Once I engage with problems directly, fortunately I am smart and an obsessive researcher, and can find the answers and develop frameworks, action plans, to fix them.
So far, bit pieces of the puzzle I am putting together:
-Broken sense of self, need to rebuild inner identity (Dr Pete Wallker)
-Supressed emotions, stored in the nervous system, from body wisdom erecting defense mechanisms, walls, and behavioirs/ways of living, that protect the Self from engaging in destabilising thoughts, actions, and broadening their world view beyond their childish pattern of retraction
-Polyvagal theory: Staying in the hustle, is about the worst thing you can do. Just doing more approaches, going on more dates, doubling down and taking more action - the completely wrong approach for inner game issues. Rather, what we need, is to regulate the dysregulated nervous system, by cultivating feelings of safety. Techniques for this, include, meditation, yoga, and breathwork. Fortunately, I am an advanced student of the Buteyko method, and now I think as part of my Inner Game framework, I will be able to use breathwork as a nervous system regulation tool, and design my process to not be involved in triggers, exposed to behaviors and actions that activate my Complex PTSD, and as the nervous system is able to reach deeper levels of safety, which Buteyko breathing is perfect for, this is where we can feel and process suppressed emotions, and get further on in recovery.
I can see why polyvagal theory was so crucial, and how living in the state of perpetual grinding, was just keeping me stuck.
Narratives of, "I MUST TAKE ACTION OR I WILL DIE ALONE AND BE A FUGLY BROWN CUCK" are indicative of deeper internal subconscious fears. Whilst I wouldn't have self talk quite as destructive as that, it was pretty awful. I can now see, how this was a perpetuating factor for my unhealed parts of my psyche - Dr Gav actually helped me understand that. Point being, if you are still in your trauma, YOU are perpetuating it, through your thoughts behaviours and decisions.
Obsessive self improvement, driven by "I MUST BE BETTER BECAUSE I WONT CLOSE QUALITY OR FIND AN ATTRACTIVE PARTNER" was keeping me in the dungeon, by perpetuating my core subconscious fears of not making it
As they say in timeless wisdom, to heal and change, we must let go truly.........The Dom told me that a long time ago, but I was far too traumatised to even understand
An issue with trauma is we dissociate, and we don't absorb feedback, we live disconnected and our consciousness is not present
The fact that I got to where I am in life with severe fucking trauma & C-PTSD as well as the insane health issues I had for years prior to this, tells me human beings are unbreakable and for the true seeker,
ANYTHING IS POSSILBE. ANYTHING.
Now I know what the problem is.
It's game over for this problem.
I cannot be defeated.
-MAC DADDY
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