- Joined
- Jan 19, 2021
Aku said:
Thank you, Aku. I'm transcribing The Dom's answers, and they're really solid. As ever, I find this dude fucking fascinating - his thought process, the insights, you cannot really touch this level of clarity until you've done the work. He has been hustling 20 years man, a different animal. I learn shit constantly from him, and why shouldn't you? If you were here in London man, we'd be collaborating together.
I want this for our community. We can be better and I want to see KYIL become legendary.
Fortunately, we have that potential.
Anyway bro, thank you for this question. The answer is ready:
AN AUDIENCE WITH THE DOM: @AskTheDom AMA (VOLUME 3)
The push for elite, it is relentless, it will not, and cannot stop now it has been started. How will we win? By continuing to develop the community’s knowledge base, principles and understanding, and forge a truly indestructible mental toolkit that we can use, apply, test, evaluate, and process to unlock new level upon new level.
Today, we will continue our learning and capture more from one of the legends, The Dom:
Aku
Question 1) How did you get into BDSM?
Answer: The Dom)
I’ll keep this short and sweet, because I’ve had a discussion with Andy, and we’ve covered a lot of this ground. I encourage you to look out for this.
So, how did I get involved in BDSM? Would you believe, it was through a girl I dated once. She used to work in Swinger’s parties. In a lot of countries, like Italy and Spain, there really aren’t anything resembling BDSM dungeons. But, if you are to find a party, often, it’ll be in through a Swinger’s Club.
In European Swinger’s Club’s, once a month, there will be a Kink Night. You’ll see Shibari, among a range of kinks on display, and it was in fact a girl who I was dating who initiated me. She took me there, and right away, I can tell you that my mind was absolutely blown wide-open.
My reaction when I arrived?
…..WOW
The night was very formative. I met a dominatrix, and given that my girl wanted to be tied to a cross and spanked, I asked this dominatrix to show me how to do it.
The rest, as they say, was history. Truth is, I was mind-blown from the get-go.
Question 2) What did you like most about BDSM?
Answer: The Dom)
It’s such a vast world, and everyone has a different experience. What I liked about it most was that it allowed me to really see another side of the human animal. I met people who you would never guess are into kink and BDSM. Because of their place in the social hieararchy, you’d never begin to imagine they’re into anything risqué. And yet, the things I’ve seen them do, and have done to them, oh man……words fail me. That, for me, was fascinating, and something that I really loved about my journey with BDSM.
Question 3) What are you screening for in women, and why?
Answer: The Dom)
My usual thought process on screening: I have to like the woman. I have to be attracted, physically. I will explain to her what I do, what I am, and I try to address the negative stereotypes associated with this that inevitably arise. Thereafter, I’ll open up the discussion, the framing is very much the following: Look, I like having sex with you, but if you want to go further, broaden your horizons, and explore your boundaries, we can try things.
I would say, that most of the time, girls are into this.
As for me, I like to, as Andy would say, “corrupt” (whilst this is an unsavoury term), or be a Daddy/Teacher to vanilla girls, show them the way of kink so to speak! ;-)
Question 4) What should be the priorities for a beginner getting started in BDSM, in your opinion?
Answer: The Dom)
I would say the priorities start with YOU..
It always starts with the fundamental question: What do you want?
I start everything in my life with this question.
So, what do you want? Do you want better sex, kinkier sex? Do you want to experience power trips? Once you know what you want, you can carve a path down the road.
Priority #1 is communication and being honest about your desires: what do you want?
Priority #2 is safety and consent, making sure that all parties concerned understand everything they need to know, and are always in a position where, if anything they’re not comfortable with takes place, they have full the power to say stop and discontinue play.
Priority #3 is being specific about what kind of BDSM you want. Do you want to be a Dom, a Top, a Sub, a Bottom, a Masochist, a Hedonist…..What do you want?
Question 5) What are the most important qualities to have as a Dom, in your opinion?
Answer: The Dom)
First, understand that there’s no dom without a sub.
Do you get that?
A sub, in effect, outsources the pleasure to you. People have misconceptions of what it is to be a dom, and create this mental image of an angry, jacked, strong, bad ass motherfucker.
In reality, a dom is more of a provider of a pleasure service.
You are there to please your sub, and your sub provides you with the gift of dominance in exchange.
Like I say, there is no dom without a sub. The sub, in reality, holds the power in the dynamic.
You as a dom, just conduct the process. There was beautifully illustrated in David Deidas’s book, the Way of the Superior Man: You as a dom are like the borders of the river, the energy of the river flows through you, and you as the borders will guide it towards the sea, where it becomes part of a greater whole.
Question 6) What’s the biggest mindset shift you had throughout your journey?
Answer: The Dom)
The first realisation: never judge a book by it’s cover ;-)
The second, we are humans, and all crave different things, experiencing the same situation differently. What one sees as a slam dunk, another is indifferent towards. Experiences are entirely dependent upon emotional processing, and there is enormous individual variation across the breadth of humanity.
With mindset, the overall shift that occurred over the 2 decades journey was deceptively simple: I simply became more in control of my mental state. That’s how you catch the big fish…..
Question 7) What are your favourite top 3 go-to bondage positions?
Answer: The Dom)
If I do bondage, it’s to show girls what fun ropes are.
If we’re having sex, I like Lark’s Head (a knot for the wrists), or ankle restraints to spread the legs – stuff like this.
Personally, I don’t like to do Shibari before sex, because it’s a little geeky, intricate, and puts me in a different mode, so I’ll use bondage tape if she wants to explore restriction with me. I use handcuffs, like leather handcuffs (Red Italian leather, of course, that’s the brand, you know? That’s the real deal, don’t buy cheap shit on Amazon please ;-)*)
That’s all you have to do, man. I like to do pentagrams, a hog tie is good, as well as a leg tie. Single column, double column ties – learn a few things & play with them.
*In reference to The Dom’s own brand of BDSM toys, education, and experiences.
Question 8) What are some good ways to “punish” your partner? I feel like I only use spanks, and lack creativity
Answer: The Dom)
Well, spanking, let’s explore that. Really, it depends what your partner likes, which is why BDSM requires a lot of honesty and communication with your partner. Spanking is impact play, you will use leverage skin to skin impact for your impact play.
Punishment you can either do mentally, when you place your partner across your knees and spank them, scald them, like an angry father would do. This will depend on how tolerant your partner is of mental bullying, of course, so doing this really does require some awareness, and I would not recommend it.
Many people get it wrong. For example, instead of saying “you’re a little slut”, they’ll say “you’re a stupid bitch!”, you know?
There’s a big difference here. While there can be no problem in calling someone a slut or a bitch when referring to temporary behaviours, when you call someone stupid, that’s a permanent and enduring remark on someone’s capacities. You’re offending them outside of the play.
As ever, it depends on what you want to do with your partner….?
Maybe your partner wants to do edging, so you’re driving her to near orgasm, and you stop it. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. You do not reward her with an organism, because you’re punishing her, remember?
Punishment is broad, and can be explored through a range of types of play, from spanking, restraint, blindfolding and flogging, to even figging, an extremely advanced practice which I do absolutely do not recommend new guys getting anywhere near, OK guys?
Question 9) If you’re travelling and had to choose a minimalist kit of essential BDSM stuff with you, what would you bring?
Answer: The Dom)
Well, being a professional Dom, my kit is expansive and interesting – plus, I genuinely love visiting sex shops, speaking with the local community, hearing what their scenes are all about. It’s always hard for me to travel with a minimalist kit.
Although, let’s start with a few things:
For tying, you can use normal tape, but make sure you have proper scissors (rounded scissors), and if you can, make sure you’re not binding the wrists too restrictively. The middle of the forearms is safer.
As a blindfold, you can use a scarf. In fact, I always had a bandana, because with a bandana, you can tie, as well as use it as a blindfold.
You can use kitchen tools to do impact play, also, by the way.
It depends on what your space is, and what you want to do…..
Question 10) Can you share one of your wildest sex stories?
Answer: The Dom)
I was in a swingers club with 3 girls I was dating, we’re having a foursome, there's a window where people can watch but when you lock the door, it means no one can enter.
If someone steps in, that's a huge no-no. It’s a MEGA bad thing to do, and can create chaos.
I’ve seen fights happen, literally males punching each other in the face, people being thrown out the club entirely and being blacklisted from the entire community, so always make sure you learn the code of conduct and etiquette. Learn the rules of engagement of the territory you’re in.
So, I was in this Swinger’s Club, and I was very horny as the girls all started to suck me while we were playing at the cross.
I got inside, and I was playing with one girl, and had my back turned to the others. And at a certain point, I turn my head and notice there was another girl….
My surprise is elicited, but I’m like, “OK, that’s interesting.” I stand up, I make out with her and invite her to play with us and everything. I keep doing what I was doing, and turn around again, and now, there’s a guy!
“What the actual fuck?!” I think
“How did these people get it?”
I am taken aback, but I was literally 3 strokes away from having an orgasm, so I focused on that.
We continue fucking.
While I was about to cum, the thought of this little intrusion came back, and I turn my head and to my astonishment, there is ANOTHER couple in the private, locked, secure room which no one is allowed to enter.
What began as a foursome, which I understand is crazy as it is, spread like wildfire.
Without intending to do so, I started a massive orgy! And it was as wild as you can possibly imagine.
Look, I’ve been in the scene for over 10 years, so there’s plenty of wild stories man. I tied a girl up on the bar of the handicap toilet, the bar which provides wheelchair support, and went doggy, raw. A number of stories come to mind, and many have were interesting. That’s the game.
-The Dom
