Quick Updates:
Hope you all are doing well and your 2025 is off to a good start. I just realized its been over 4 months since my last post.
I won't even lie, my mental health kinda took a dive for some reason during my absence here. I started my cut fine but some part of me felt I could push myself further bulking. I made a good friend at the gym and i was talking with that friend and I came to the realization I was mainly only cutting for validation. Its a big issue of mine, really wanting the validation of the women I desire. Plus I didn't think my face looked THAT bad so I figured I would just bulk till the end of the year, maintain for a few weeks before and during the first week or so of grad school, and then cut.
During this time though my body dysmorphia got really out of control and I was obsessed with looking at myself in the mirror. Whenever I felt like I looked worse in one mirror vs another I always fretted over which is the "real" me. The root of that whole issue was just me wanting that women perceive me as attractive. I noted how I struggled to get decent chicks out from apps for a while and since I thought the only thing i didn't have "dialed in" was my physique I thought that was the issue. I really now feel though I had a bigger issue with my texting. It was clear I just wanted to get them out and I didn't make much effort in trying to get to know them. Plus severe scarcity mentality causing me to come off overeager even with girls who didn’t reciprocate. I came off desperate for a date.
I initially didn't feel like posting in the past few months because I felt like I was an embarrassment to the WW community because of the internal battles I have in my head which lead to periods of inaction and struggle. But I realize now that that isn't true, losers get knocked down and don't get back up. Winners do.
My confidence tanked AGAIN and my porn addiction got worse again too even though I was keeping it at bay for a while. It was a coping mechanism for me. Eventually it did start outwardly affecting my behaviors and my family did pick up on it. My mom was persistently asking me what was wrong, and eventually I came out saying I didn't want to tell her because of what happened a few months ago last time I opened up. She got upset for the way I talked to her but she understood what I said, and so far an instance like that has not happened again. I did eventually tell her that I felt unconfident again about myself and also about my career. As how I wasn't sure how I would fare in nursing school as everyone says its super hard and yadda. Also the social aspect as being one of the only guys in a setting and trying to socialize with women I haven't had the best experiences. In that conversation I realized a lot of the issues come from the fact I dwell super hard on my failures. Like having 4 not great dates in a row, which made me feel like I don’t deserve better. Even I brought up how retarded I felt when I tried to pivot into academia for a year and now it feels like despite wanting to do healthcare as a longterm profession I am out of my mind going into nursing.
One thing she said that really stuck with me was something like "you act like your failures and fuckups are posted on you like sticky notes and you can't remove them, thats not true". She also brought up her experiences doing her teaching credentials in the 2000s US, which was a pretty shitty ass time to be a South Asian. She mentioned how some of the people she worked under HATED her for not much reason, and even said racist things like "go back to India". Tbf she did say she messed up at times, but so does literally everyone as a student, and nearly got held back as a result. But 15 years later she is constantly praised for her ability. She literally gets a whole trunk full of gifts before the end of a semester. She told me she could have let the racism and hate she got get to her and define her but instead she defines herself by her own skills, and the results the value she brings adds. That was really powerful for me. I can do the same shit with my career as sure my undergrad was really rocky, and the transition to grad is gonna be a challenge but I can add value in some way as a nurse before I go into advanced practice.
Anyway I didn't want to post until I managed to actually "bounce back" a little bit. And I kind of have. Right before I left California I challenged myself to go up to this cute chick at the gym and just say what was on my mind (respectfully of course). Though interestingly enough she was working on a machine that I wanted to use next so I asked to work in and formed conversation there. It was towards the end of my workout so I just was straight up saying I thought she was cute and I wanted to let her know that because I wouldn't be here for much longer. She responded pretty positively for a girl at the gym. I asked her if she was single and she said yes. I got her number, started a little convo but it went dead, Ill try to reignite closer to spring break as she works around where I am from but its not a major focus.
I redownloaded Hinge and Bumble, no Tinder because its given me too many issues with bans and its a bot infested wasteland last I used it. Bumble is kinda dead tho so all of my dates have just been from Hinge.
I had a pretty tough time transitioning into nursing school, unlike how school was before where they slowly ease you into the curriculum, my first week I already got a fuck ton of assignments due throughout the week. The first few weeks of school were really stressful. It never really slowed down until week 6. I also got kinda caught up reading the news more than usual with the political situation right now. That really fucked with me for a while. I ended up in a negative cycle where I had goals but I got so bogged down by it that I struggled to get off my ass and accomplish my goals. Whether that was getting a gf, reducing porn, approaching, eating healthy, etc.
I had to wake myself up and remind myself what was more important, accomplishing my goals or stressing about stuff I can’t really control. My main thing is I just feel horrible for those who are affected by the situation, but I am lucky I am priveliged enough a lot of it won’t be as much a problem for me. I turned off all news, unfollowed everyone who posted politics often on their story, and only really stay informed from my friend who keeps up with politics more than me. In the end I only hurt myself if I don’t make an effort to my goals.
Before the program started we got introduced to our clinical groups. My group has 6 girls and 2 guys including me. Me and the other guy became friends basically right away, and he drives me to clinicals whenever we have them. I have also been working on building good friendships with the girls in my group, which has made it easier for me to approach other girls as well, as I remember talking to women is not as scary as it may seem. Most of the girls in my program have boyfriends so I have kinda just kept that off limits unless a girl is clearly showing interest in me. Still good for social circle purposes + rapport. I also have 3 roommates now, and I am pretty cool with all of them. One of them I feel like is a carbon copy of me so we relate to each other really well, good friend. The other is pretty introverted but chill. And the last one came later in the semester, but he is super cool. He is pansexual and has a ton of female friends so I am maintaining that friendship so I can build a social circle to meet girls through those means too.
Ive been going to the gym less now, I only really care about maintaining muscle/cutting, but I won’t lie I have been really lazy about tracking my calories. But focusing on other parts of my life has helped keep the body dysmorphia at bay. I would much rather focus on being more sociable with women. Because gymcels are a real thing, you see these guys with insane physiques but they can’t speak to women for shit. Gym won’t be as useful to my current goals. My top 2 priorities are doing good in nursing school and approaching. Im not saying im gonna let myself go but I think these two are far more important.
I started cold approaching again a couple of weeks ago, I did about 20 ish in the first week, then the next week I was prepping for an exam so I only did about 6-7. So far this week I have done 8. I have more free time this week now that my exam is over so I will try to do above 20. I try to set a quota on days I don’t have clinical, lab, or lecture of 5 approaches, but if I can at least get 1 because I am too anxious or whatever that is good. It actually becomes kinda easy and fun once I get past the first one. I scheduled 2 cold approach dates, one super cute latina for today, and a super cute Italian exchange student for Friday.
I was still using porn to cope with stress but whenever I tried to quit I tried to also go on nofap because I wanted to be in good shape for dates if I managed to get her to come back to mines. But this didn't work out, I tried a lot. I think noporn but being ok with masturbating is fine. Im only a couple days in again but so far so good, got some bad urges though. I still get the benefits I want, and its easier to stay away from porn. I know quitting when you are single is tough but I am fine as long as I can avoid gooning for long periods of time. If I have a night where I am just horny and I load up the hub for some time before bed, thats okay as long as its not super frequent. I am trying to get a gf or just a regular FWB so it becomes easier to stop watching.
I also bought a month of Hinge X around the start of February. I have had about 12 dates from it, 10 first dates and two second dates. I have many more planned as well. Arizona girls are significantly more quality than Bay Area girls thank fuck I moved here. I have been getting less matches though, but better quality. I also want to take a more relaxed approach to dating and not let bs things some girls do phase me, cuz before whenever a date didn’t go the way I wanted I would go back to my room or car and just get angry. But tbf this is wasted energy. I figured out a texting “script” to convert matches to dates better, and even changed my opener.
I’ll give a brief summary of all the dates I’ve been on so far in next posts. I’m gonna make my update post multi-part.
