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kAldown log

Saturday

Yesterday we moved from Capital of Georgia to our place in Batumi. Here is much better. People are more aggressive here and standing to say what they think, which I like, rather than passive aggressive bitches who secretly hate me for being russian. Weather is wilder. There were earthquakes and hurricane already within a month. Much colder in winter and much hotter in summer. In case of Georgia, capital city is still too small for calling it a useful place to live, compare to Moscow, Kiev or London. So I would rather stay here until I figure out how to escape. Then we have a deep conversation about my fears to be unworthy. Thanks Sveta she pointed out that I'm on a good path and will achieve what I want no matter what.
 
Sunday

Have to move lot's of tasks for the next week. Trying to stick with the most relevant to my close goals:
- leedcoding
- learning algos
- getting info for visa
- preparing for the interviews

Today I have a strange feeling. Connection with Sveta were very deep since morning. We managed to do lots of stuff 'till the first half of a day. Then suddenly, out from nowhere, I was very rude to her genuine question. Tried to understand the symptoms - no luck. Confirmed my rudeness and apologized. Then came back home to follow up with the tasks. We should talk about it, since there is the first clunch in my memory, which is not resolved. Seems like stress is playing huge role in my toughness and I could push away really hard, without paying enough attention to my temperament.

Set a remind about it. Will work on.

On a positive note: We made homemade burgers and drunk some Beilis with hot chocko. And I solved very hard task within an hour (it voted as medium, still I think this is hard to code).

Made some progress toward understanding that I will be here longer. Preparing my flat and work environment. Surrounding myself with connections. Have to think about finances in addition. Good point!

CY
 
Today we were in a Jurisdiction house and asked about set of documents required to set a marriage. Adjusted my plans to accomplish this in a few weeks. Then I asked how to trick a system to register as individual contributor. Found the ways. Need to find proper people and do the work. Don't know yet about the laws and taxes. Will do that after the marriage.

About the observations. I distinguished my friends by the groups. I do appreciate brutal honesty, such as I respect friends who aren't afraid to say to me what they actually feel, rather than blaming me. Which is interesting. The quality kind of friends appeared in my life spontaneously and stay there for a long time (15+ years). Whilst friends who I invest more time and effort, remain same after 5+ years, and I do not respect them as much as those who aggressive enough.

Found a pretty nice gym. Fuck my life it costs 50 gbp. In Georgia. Why so expensive, motherfuckers!
Need to make my own gym in a flat :)
Such a cheap bastard I am

Sveta suggested help with our family tasks. So glad I have her.

We touched a yesterday incident where I were too direct and unapologetic with the way I see her style sometimes, yet she appreciated my additional comments: "although I don't find this outfit pleasant, I still want you to feel comfortable wearing whatever you like, no matter do I like it or not. I need you to stay strong".

Again. Glad I have her in my life. It is mutual.

CY
 
Today was another day.
At the very morning a lot of small tasks to do. Sveta's mom birthday. And the rest, leaving me far behind my duties. Lets forward the day to the evening. After the dinner at the restaurant, Sveta, Sveta's mom and dad, and me, decided to take a walk. We went to the coffee place, but I do not like "bad" coffee, and proposed everyone to go to the close one speciality coffee. When I asked to brew me V60, I suddenly realised that Sveta's mood changed from good, to anger. I asked to brew only one cup, and leave for a walk. After the walk I asked "why are you so angry?". With this questions, conversation about my inability to read people's mood started to reveal itself. The actual problem was in a desire of other pears to eat a cake, not to drink a coffee. I realised that everyone were pissed off by my attitude, but I refused to take it personally. My claim was: "since I do not like bad coffee, I proposed to go to the other one, if you want to eat cake - just tell this to me straight away. I refuse to guess what's on your mind". I stand my ground, but learn some things to read the room properly. I do believe still, that it's not my obligation to ask for peoples desire. I do what I want to do. I take responsibility for that. I can help my loved ones. But I won't take responsibility for others inability to stand their ground, even if they are my family.

This conversation repeated multiple times next few hours. But get to the conclusion. Each learned something from other one's opinion. We become better after the storm.

I glad we are stronger than that.

Would be even better.

CY
 
Wednesday

Yesterday (Tuesday) evening we decided I will work less intensively in order to not to burnout. Yet today I woke up and started following my schedule. Even during the breakfast, Sveta asked me to put the phone away, I refused. The mood in a room decreased. That day was very important interview to me, so I have to work hard. And I did. Interview was successful. Everyone liked me.

At the evening we went for a walk and I tried to make my point on why I was so rude. She understand, yet, without pushing me away. But I hugged her calmly and firmly. I gave her promise that I won't let her get away with bullshit if I will feel like that. With this I think she is free from punishing herself, from her own thoughts, without asking me.
^ This could be hard to understand. Let me explain. She thinks sometimes that my "behaviour" is the response of her acting badly. But I do not behave, and definitely not reacting. Most of the bad thoughts she had from her own mind. I am helping her understand that I love her, and do not want to harm.

Also I made my translation for documents. Tomorrow I will try to sing marriage documents.

CY
 
Sine very morning I did not eat and did not drink. Want to get on time and give my analysis for sex diseases, just in case. Payed 30 pounds for a good urologist. This motherfucker told me to come at 10:40. I was there. After that I have to wait 20 minutes in corridor, and then 40 minutes inside cabinet, while he talks with someone else. Fucking hate this place sometimes. Not to say yesterday I had the same experience with the lawyer. Lawyer motherfucker told me to come at 2pm. I was there at 2. But the documents were not ready, he just "proposed" to me. After I showed him he clearly called me at that time, he looked at me as child saying "no worries". Mother fucker! I told him if my documents would not be ready before 5, I will go another lawyer. So I have to get taxi and back again. Were at home 15 minutes before my very important interview. Luckly. Went great!

So ye. I am married.
Everything getting better.
- job (with visa sponsoring)
- marriage
- place to live
- social circles
- health

Most of this doesn't want to move for months. Yet I tried to push it all at once. Now I receive dividends. Finally!

Although I have a plan to marry 15/04, since 2 days ago lawyer told me we could do that. Today government servant told me shocking news. Nobody works in Georgia since 14 up to 20. So I decided to marry today, and do the celebration in a tight circle. We agreed on that.

Next task is to open Individual Entrepreneurship company and work as contractor. Do the chores for the rest of deeds. For instance, local banks won't open account for me, since georgians and russians are in beef. But I do not care.

Oh, and sex was great today! :D
I learned new stuff, with a small dongle. It's easier to use rather than big magic wand.

CY
 
Friday

Got my marriage certificate.
Settlet issue with my prev landlord, received deposit back.
prepared to meet my father for a wedding celebration
were on a meetup about "past traumas during war conflict", after that we sincerely discussed our own views on a conflict. Decided that we should start making warm and understanding space between us. Since I'm not the only one whos is not welcomed here (ar russian, I am from a terrorist country, as citizens here said), but she also not welcomed (as Refugee, she took benefits, while locals could not afford bare minimum sometimes). So we decided to feel our own feeling, and express them freely, without judge. To not grow hatred between us.

Then we went to the night shop, bouth noodles and crisps. Ate them. It was our celebration dinner :). Very lucky I have that girl

Great sex again. Started to learn more things
 
for 3 days in a row. I did tons of conversations. Around everything. Sex. Friendship. Jealous. Relation. Plans. Teaching. In addition to my main goals.

What can I say. All of this is going well. I see the progress. I did my life, and life of my relatives significantly better. Just tired a bit. But I'm on a right course. My wife is helping me to stay sane and progress towards our better life.

Some things are falling from my hands. But I do not worry, I know I will pick them up when the time would be right.

I will not leave.

CY

https://youtu.be/8BMXHQg9WqE
 
Today was a lot of conversations not only about relationship, but about myself. Now I require my relatives to talk my words back to me, such I feel like I am stuck.

So many peoples told me it's almost impossible to find job with visa support as russian, living abroad. I've found 2 companies. They will provide visa to me. Such blind I was, I could not take that visas.

Sometimes I feel great power of will in myself. I could do things other don't. Yet it is not always good, to brutally go the hardest way. I missed so much. Lucky I have my wise wife who could tell me I'm doing things not the best way and have enough powers to reach me out in times when I feel nothing.

About current day: I have had a discussion about trust and loyalty with my father in law, about jobs I'm committing into. Then the plan is being adjusted, during conversation with Sveta. I also listened to JBP about trust and love, and pursuing meaningful goals. Need to swallow that information.

This day exceeded my expectations again. Everything great. I'm going the right direction.
Tomorrow going to be even more productive.

Thanks Sveta she is holding me this times. I will hold our family in future.

CY
 
Today I realized the company I put so much stack on it, is actually not as great as I thought. Meantime walked around 7 more interviews and got one company with a nicer offer.

Have conversation with Sveta about the planning and how we should cooperate on them for our good. Then I stand my point on how it is comfortable to me to do the job. I do operate by problem-solution, and in that state I feel nothing. Now she learn that it is not her fault, but rather my luck of ability to switch instantly between the state of a good boy and working machine.

Discussed the future plans on getting visa for another country.

There is still tons of work to do. And I'm grateful that we are so strong that having courage to stand our own ideals and have enough passion to cooperate for a greater good.

Going to watch "Rurouni Kenshin" (OVA) and then sleep.

CY
 
Friday was very tough. That day I started with everything falling apart. At the time I came back home I was angry as hell, so holded my words speaking none. After that I exposed my thoughts in a toxic rude manner. We tried to cover that up multiple times a day. Nothing worked. Then hours of sitting near the paper, writing lots of stuff down, speaking, debating, holding respectful conversation and good dominiour. We reached the successful end. But I was really tired, specially next day was our wedding celebration.
 
Saturday was our wedding celebration. I payed attention to other peoples feeling, and discovered progression with my room reading and Kisa's progression with demanding what she wants standing up for what she thinks matters, not letting anyone convince her with bad intention. Very intense day. With photos. Lot's of talking, walking, eating. Spend half a day laying in bed :)
 
Sunday I remember as lazy-day. Doing nothing. Just walking, drinking mold wine. Although we have deep conversation about my childhood, and how my father used to raise me. Observations. Problems with school. Disobeyment. And how we should not shame ourselves but find power in what we truly believe.
 
Today is another example. Sveta telling me how to communicate with peoples without pushing them. For instance, now we having good conversations with my father. I learned about him more than I did before for 30 years.
I learned how to stand for the loved ones, even from another loved ones.
Were tons of conversations about shadow side and sharing the persona view about other relatives. Knew a lot about myself.

Will spend this week with my family, little by little progressing my main goals. I need time to put new knowledge in me.

CY
 
Today it was again a tough discussion with my father. I stood my ground and told him he could not speak to me the way he does anymore. Also have a conversation about my recent offer with small startup. In addition to not receiving any encouragement, I only heard words like "you better try harder" and the rest. I called him out for this bullshit. Then tried to speak one-to-one and pushed him very hard. We reached at least some point. Then I have almost the same conversation with father in law. He also spoke with me by emotions. Yet I called him on this, he was much more polite. We will get to the warmer feeling some day.
And yes, I finally got an offer. Will strive to receive more. Never stop.

Fucking tons of shit were today. But I'm on a rails.

CY
 
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