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Living the dream/ Phase 1

Clocked 3hrs practice
Diet was good.

Someone from work passed away over the weekend. She was quite snappy and irritable and didn't like her job or where she lived (opposite one of the managers) I was never annoyed by her being grumpy or passive aggressive because I could always hear her breathing was pretty ragged when I saw her. In hindsight I'm glad that I was always cordial and helpful when dealing with her.

Guitar:
I've actually stalled on the main pieces for what feels like a full month now. Yikes.

Solutions:
Work on more intermediate songs I can pump out tutorials for.
Diversify into different styles and techniques.
Find people to jam with.
Focus on being well rounded.

Or..
I just keep going until I win by sheer erosion.

Learning these songs has been the most difficult thing I've done in years.
Getting laid and seeing 4 girls at once took 2 months once I was in a decent size city.
Letting go of past resentment and building a vastly more positive mindset came by osmosis through Andy's coaching group.
Getting jacked was fun so never felt difficult even though I've been training since I was 12.
Maybe that's it and my timeframe is off and it's gonna take years.
Or maybe I'm just a week of practice away.
 
Ali said:
In hindsight I'm glad that I was always cordial and helpful when dealing with her.​
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Reading this made me feel happy for you and I think it shows that you're probably not embroiled in any major internal resentments, because that shit easily seeps into every area of life. I can easily imagine a type of person who'd think "I'm glad that old miserable cunt is dead".​
 
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Terraqua said:
Reading this made me feel happy for you and I think it shows that you're probably not embroiled in any major internal resentments, because that shit easily seeps into every area of life. I can easily imagine a type of person who'd think "I'm glad that old miserable cunt is dead".​
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I appreciate that!
Everyone this year who has been unpleasant or grumpy has been in pain which has been really eye opening.

The only three people who were rude to me going door to door were two very old people who were struggling to get to the front door. A guy who I saw an ambulance outside his bungalow a week later and people who seem stuck in a bad vibe, like they can't loosen up.

You can't take anything personally, even if you wanted to because people are subjective.

When we were clearing out my gran's flat I came across a letter from my mum apologising for getting into an argument with her and saying she's on new anti anxiety medication which really helped a lot fall into place for me.

I grew up with an abusive stepmother as well, but later found out she was infertile and had been babied all her life which really helped me let go of that hatred (bear in mind she would get pills out on the kitchen top and tell me she was going to overdose because of me as well as the screaming and physical violence)
What didn't help her either is we would obviously take our mother's side against her when they would argue and not talk to her when we stayed at my dad's house. That's got to weigh on someone to be rejected by your step family and not able to have your own.

My father would default to haymakers when we misbehaved, including blasting my 6 year old sister with a right hand.
When I was about 9-10 I was studying to get into a school for gifted students. The entrance exam was basically an iq test and only the top percent of students who sat the final exam would get in. As I was scoring around 80% my father would literally scream and shout at me for not doing well enough.
It was actually my stepmother who intervened and told him to stop.
These patterns of behaviour gave me what I'd call a Cain complex, where I would want to spite the highest authority and hurt it as deeply as I could as a form of protest. This is probably the root of all evil actions in my opinion, a sickening rebellion against what is.
My father grew up in a really bad environment and was able to go from watching his friends overdose or become actual murderers to being a very wealthy business analyst doing contract work for banks, his father died when he was young and he had an abusive step father himself.
I can see how in his mind failure = death and seeing his children fail at things must have really terrified him. He always tried to push and encourage us in his own sometimes ineffective way.
At the end when his cancer spread into his bones the calcium in his blood made him effectively senile for a few days. He soiled himself and was completely confused. My sister, the absolute hero cleaned it up, he didn't want us to see him like that. The most I could do was bring him a hot water bottle as he was shivering. But at the time I was too shocked to see basically our supreme leader like that and couldn't be in the same room as him for long.
There was a lot left unresolved after he died.
Later I found out he would spend all day in bed being barely able to move for the pain, but when we would come to visit, he would force himself to get washed and dressed, limp downstairs and meet us in the living room.
That was always enough for me. I'm so happy he was never indifferent.
About 8 years after his death I had a dream we were driving in the car in the rain. He was in the front looking ahead and I was in the back. It was so vivid. In the past I'd have asked "are you really here?" But this time I felt that nothing needed to be said between us and it was all good, everything was understood.
After this dream my nerves around driving (I had recently passed my test) dissipated completely.

I'm very pleased to have found my own vehicle for expression- playing guitar and it's taught me that mistakes are okay, I've made millions by this point. But that doesn't stop me from occasionally hitting something that sounds transcendent and I think: "yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to say."

I'm very grateful for my life experiences and can really see how reality does happen for us. Everything has been such a profound gift so far.
 
Not sure if I have a cold coming on or just my sleeping patterns but feeling quite run down.

Sleep is now my biggest priority and the rotating shift patterns have really fucked me up as well as an hourly drive every day.
I have 16 days off after tomorrow to spam job applications and get something either part time or with friendly hours.
I don't want to move away while my family member is in hospital but I've stalled hard on my guitar skills with my current routine.
I also get way more efficient when I have my own place as my sleep isn't interrupted and my mood stays at its baseline happy level.
With my own place I can also have something like 1 chill date a week with the possibility of asking her back to mine which really livens things up.

On this note my family member has had their section raised from 2 to 3 which means they can be kept in the hospital for 6 months total. As only very small progress has been made this is the right move. I now have to make a tough decision, I'm so nerfed living at my parent's place while working this job.
I'll tell him this when I see him next, he still thinks and listens to an extent, just doesn't talk.
 
Went through my recording setup today. I've managed to get ok quality but will do some research to improve the audio quality with the equipment I've got.
Found my old SoundCloud account to compare audio quality I've managed to get in the past and was surprised some of the stuff I threw up in there as I was learning the basics of Ableton has nearly 450 views.

I'm gonna throw the song I've stalled on most (Rylynn) onto my electric guitar and see what kind progress I can make.
Fell asleep in my car at work today, walked back into the plant and my brain came up with a guitar solo that harmonised with the drone of the machinery. Autism engaged.
Otherwise full steam ahead for the next two weeks.

Looks like people added my old tracks to playlists and reposted it haha
 
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