Brandon Builds - Conversation with the ex-wife

Thank you, @Red. I really appreciate that.

GOATED BMAN UP & STAYING UP

We are gonna grow this place a tonne, B, and we're gonna make a real difference.

And any way we can support you with your mission, we'll have your back.

-Ravi

MakingAComeback said:

GOATED BMAN UP & STAYING UP

We are gonna grow this place a tonne, B, and we're gonna make a real difference.

And any way we can support you with your mission, we'll have your back.

-Ravi

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Appreciate you, Ravi. Keep kicking ass.

So I've been publishing articles on my FetLife similar to ones I've been publishing here. It's started to create an influx of girls DM'ing me and being direct (or at least direct in girl speak).

When I first started my FL two years ago I obviously got 0 girls reaching out to me. After I got going in the community, I'd get one every so often. About a year ago I'd get about 1-2/month opening me. Now it's about 1-2/week. One day, it could be daily. I'd never consider myself an influencer, but I guess that's where I'm headed at this rate.

Here's the ones in the last couple weeks. Notice I don't even have to be that gamey or over the top with them. I'm pretty much just asking screening questions to move the convo along, which isn't even needed really other than I want to know. Also you might ask why I didn't just grab the number then - it's because I don't want them to text me and bother me till I'm in TX anyway. I have feeling they'll wait. And if they don't, there will be others anyways. Not worried about it.

Blonde Brat:


Daddy's girl:


Well spoken girl:


This one was funny because I didn't reply for a few days, and when I went to reply she had either blocked me or deactivated her account. If she blocked me, guessing she got embarrassed. No biggie - she's 49. lol


Newbie girl:

Co-signed. I started being more verbose (and in my opinion, just a tad bit insufferable/pretentious) in my Feeld convos and it has done wonders for getting girls on dates. Just typing a paragraph with some expensive words where I'd previously just use a curt sentence.

It's long been a personal annoyance of mine that girls on these apps try to make it an essay-writing competition. They probably want to filter out the brutish "hey want sum fuckk???" guys who swarm these apps so I get it, it just comes across as extremely conceited to me.

However, I can't argue with the results when I lean into it, color my prose a bit purple, and watch the engagement skyrocket.

Might experiment with these long essays on Fetlife too and see if something similar happens to me.

Ahhh such a good conversation starter

We know that female porn is written and not watched ( or at least, partially consumed, they look for specific things to "relive" that fantasy/feeling of the day)

So on apps / places like feeld and FL makes much more sense to paint the world with words and bring to life things that are ethereal like "vibe" "connection" and take feelings and sensations amplified.

In reality, most of guys are just fake doms as Brandon said, not because they lack the physicality or even the mental strength, just they aren't able to deliver what is really the key here: make her feel it.

As I wrote a bagillion times anywhere and everywhere, a Dom is not a guy with a whip or a fancy black suit and silk tie, a true Dom yield his internal power and use it to make feel the submissive it is best placed in his hands to deliver what she craves, and there is no better convincing than her feeling this is the best choice.

Also, @Bman by your actions, activities and sticking out your neck for what you believe, you show some attractive traits, I can point as a man at least to 5: leadership, preselection, courage, carefree, competence - I would argue that is not your great writing and looks that get the inbox flowing, but also those things added to the mix that makes it impossible to pass on you

@Holden, that's worked well for me on Feeld in the past, too. At the very least, I know it attracts a woman I'd enjoy having a conversation with when we meet.

AskTheDom said:

We know that female porn is written and not watched ( or at least, partially consumed, they look for specific things to "relive" that fantasy/feeling of the day)

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I'm considering doing a 365 day project posting a photo of me with erotic caption written in a way to evoke a fantasy for this very reason.

AskTheDom said:

you show some attractive traits, I can point as a man at least to 5: leadership, preselection, courage, carefree, competence - I would argue that is not your great writing and looks that get the inbox flowing, but also those things added to the mix that makes it impossible to pass on you

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Absolutely agree. Which I would argue are my more attractive traits. I'm a pretty decent looking guy, but no where near the top percent for looks that's required to compete on a primarily looks based app like Tinder. My hunch is this is one of the reasons I always did better on apps like Hinge & Feeld, where there is just a little more room to showcase these qualities. FetLife just has a ton of real estate for your profile that I can really let it shine.

For other guys, I'd really think a similar strategy could work on either Facebook with Facebook dating or Instagram. On FB you'd have to have a profile of good photos and consistently publish for your particular niche/ social circle stuff they care about. Instagram same thing, except your going to have be more looks focused for either photos or videos. I have the advantage that my market is already pre-sexualized. If you did something similar on another platform, your challenge would be building a sexual frame. Of course, I've not personally done this elsewhere, so it is speculation.

Currently in Denver on my way back to Austin, which is the halfway point from Seattle.

As I was driving yesterday I was reflecting on how it was a random Tuesday in the middle of October, and the only people on the road were semis, older couples, and nomads like myself. I'm pretty much living the retired life going south for the winter that people work forever to get.

Got to see the beautiful fall colors through the mountains of WA and ID, catch the hills get painted purple in UT from the sunset, and the gorgeous red rocks of CO.

I'm about to stop at my ex-wifes place, take a shower, and let the dog run for awhile while I work today. I just find it amazing to still be able to keep a relationship with me ex that's cool enough for me just to shoot her a text and ask if I can stop at her place.

It's all made me incredibly grateful to be diligently creating a life I want and making the most of our short time here.

Finally made it to Austin.

Spent most of the day with the ex-wife on Wednesday. We were just laughing and smiling like the early days. Then hit the road for two more days while doing some work in between driving. Was fun, but I'm exhausted. Going to rest this weekend before getting right back to business.

All the girls I mentioned earlier from FL, they all waited. Some have been waiting 3 weeks to see me. Setup 3 dates for next week, and two I'm still putting on standby because I'm busy. Might attend a munch this Wednesday, that's if I'm not locking in one these girls that day. Then Halloween my group and two other groups here in ATX are collabing to put on a big Halloween party. Then Shrine early next month. King is back, baby.

Have not even contacted my old girls yet, beside Politics Girl. I called her but got no answer and no call back. Normally I'd say she's lost in the wind, but if she is not consistently seeing me, she's garbage at communication and has an avoidant attachment style. She did something similar when I had call with her this summer during my travels, where I reached out to her, she texted me a month later saying shes been having a hard time but not getting back to me was really shitty. We then had a call and she was peachy keen and said how much she missed me. If I can see her again, in person, the whole communication thing will be corrected. If not, well that sucks because she was one of my favorites, but I'm not chasing her. Not like I don't have a line of girls around the door.

Bumble Girl is supposed to be in Austin early next month and we are supposed to set something up to see each other again. So need to reach out to her. She just posted on her IG stories a vid of her getting back into pole dancing. Tight little body in small red workout gear spinning around the pole. God damnit. IG story indoctrination works both ways. Lol Also need to touch base with Spiritual Girl and Nurse Girl. Saw Buddhist Girl got into a mono relationship while I was gone, so she won't be making it back into the fold anytime soon.

All in all, good to be back.

Waves. This shit comes in absolute waves.

Been having a real down time with girls lately, for reasons out of my control.

Went on a few dates, second dated one due to logistics, hooked up with one in the van, passed on another. The girl I did hook up with told me flat out on the date she was emotionally unavailable. She had never been dominated before but really wanted to try rough sex and degradation. When we were done she praised how great it was and that no guy had ever been that rough with her, then she wanted to go, no cuddles, no second round. I walked her to her car, got a response to the I had fun text, then nothing ever again. Honestly, that didn't feel good for me, particularly not just chilling afterwards. Hello, its called aftercare and we both need it. Anyways, I remembered Holden writing about how some girls just want to experience real dominance once to check it off their list. I felt pretty cheap.

Reached out to Nurse Girl. Very responsive. Super glad I'm back. I mention it would be great to see her again. Zilch. Nada. No response. She's married and lives 2 hours away, so I had that against me and I know it's not me. In fact, I'm sure she'd like to see me, but doesn't want to say she can't right now for whatever reason. Still hurt though.

Been trying to get a couple other girls scheduled. One of them is the manager at her work, so everytime someone calls in, she has to cover or find someone to cover. Plus she lives 30mins out of town, an hour if bad traffic. So pretty much dust in the wind.

The other girl is a real sweetheart and seems very submissive. We were supposed to actually have a date before I left Austin months ago, but she got covid, and then she got nervous and flaked. I was so busy with other girls I barely noticed. She messaged me out of the blue on FL after she seen I was back. She apologized a lot, I told her she'd make it up to me by being extra dolled up on our date which she was eager to abide. Was supposed to have a date today but she had a legitimate family emergency and explained she reeeeaaaly didnt want to cancel and totally understood if I didn't want to see her. Told her to tend to her family member, and when her life is back in order, maybe we'll have a date, but she was really going to owe me and have to put effort in.

Then, within hours of talking with the above girl, Politics Girl and Bumble Girl BOTH texted me when I had been waiting on replies from them for awhile. It was wild they both texted on the same day.

Anyways, as predicted, Politics Girl had a reason she didn't want to get back to me. She gotten a boyfriend right at the time I had reached out to her and they were considering being exclusive. Except, apparently the boyfriend tested positive for herpes, so she felt she need to call and let me know, because I'm the only other person she's slept with this year, and she was only sleeping with me when we seeing each other. Told her I literally got tested when I got back to Austin and had zilch, so her boyfriend didn't get it from her... she's still waiting on her results. Anyways, she said she wasn't sure what her relationship status was going to be anytime soon, and even if things did end, she wasn't sure if she'd be ready to date anyone else, and also wouldn't want to treat me as a rebound. Told her I understood, I'm going to be in Austin for quite awhile, reach out when she's ready. Then she told before we ended the call to be safe and if I was ever in an emergency or needed help to not hesitate to call her. Still a sweetheart. Hope her test comes back negative...

Bumble Girl just returned from Mexico and is in Austin on for this week before heading off to her family's for awhile. She's really only free tomorrow night but not saying she's not too sure how she'll be mentally tomorrow and my schedule is already packed to the gills tomorrow with important obligations. Told her Wed or Thurs night I open. So we'll see if she can move things around. Going to suck if I can't see her, but it was only going to be one night anyways. Still, probably would have been a really romantic night and I sure could have used that.

I know all this will pass, and another high wave will come. This wave just really stung.

---

I'm slowing down my dating in order to focus on some important business priorities and just clearing up some mental space. That said, I'm not stopping dating altogether.

I'm not sure where this trend in renunciation on the forums came from. I'm all for deep inner work and advocate it fully. We all know I've had my fair share here. However, I never became a monk while I did it.

As you can see from my post above, I know the feelings you're having, and it's easy to blame modern dating culture, then say screw it all. However, that just seems like a reaction, a pendulum swinging to the extreme in the other direction.

Sexual desire is a healthy and natural life force for a man. Personally, when I disregard it, I lose a lot of creativity and zest for life. I'm not happy and I'm not myself. I'm a zombie.

I'm not saying extreme hedonism is the answer either. You need to find your level of moderation. Just like you need to find what your values are and live those, not in reaction to the cultural whims of the time, but irrespective of those whims.

I've tried my best at charting my own course in relationships. I keep experimenting, despite long held rules in either direction about dating and relationships. I've had some amazing experiences that fly in the face of some of those rules, and I've been slapped in my face about the reality of some of them. Regardless, I keep inquiring into what I want, aiming for it, and trying to find a way to get it.

That's all I ask that you do. Don't follow the current culture, and don't rebel against it just because it is not working for you and so the complete opposite must be true. Chart your own course.

Bman said:

I'm not saying extreme hedonism is the answer either. You need to find your level of moderation. Just like you need to find what your values are and live those, not in reaction to the cultural whims of the time, but irrespective of those whims.

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Me encanta, totally agree.



I know you don't need any reassurance that the girls will be back running their fingers through your beard again soon - but I've found one of the best things about having a dry spell is it really helps you appreciate and enjoy when you have your next purple patch!

Bman said:

I know all this will pass, and another high wave will come. This wave just really stung.

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@Bman

Been there mate, know it sucks. You got this 100% right though - it will come around again. It's just hard when you're in the trenches grinding through it

Hang in there, dude. Looking forward to reading about the future conquests very soon!

Spider

Thanks @Antonio44 & @Spider Jerusalem. Maybe the post came off a little more depressive than intended, but I'm actually enjoying the downtime. Been really productive this week, really solid sleep, and overall pretty positive mood.

Have Shrine this Sunday, but will probably just get my volunteer hours in, make an appearance since it's my first one since I've been back, and call it an early night. But then again, who knows.

Just a reminder today for you boys, be the man. Take the lead. Simple. You never know when the lead you're working might turn into two in the future.

Also just for conversational context, she broke her ankle and just getting it healed back up, so she's on leave from work. And a really fit, military girl.

Bman said:

Went on a few dates, second dated one due to logistics, hooked up with one in the van, passed on another. The girl I did hook up with told me flat out on the date she was emotionally unavailable. She had never been dominated before but really wanted to try rough sex and degradation. When we were done she praised how great it was and that no guy had ever been that rough with her, then she wanted to go, no cuddles, no second round. I walked her to her car, got a response to the I had fun text, then nothing ever again. Honestly, that didn't feel good for me, particularly not just chilling afterwards. Hello, its called aftercare and we both need it. Anyways, I remembered Holden writing about how some girls just want to experience real dominance once to check it off their list. I felt pretty cheap.

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Been there a couple of times, regretted the choice I gave my body and cock to her but those negative thoughts don't bring you anywhere and she probably had her own agenda from the start anyway. Nothing personal I think, just wavelengths about aftercare aren't aligned..

Bman said:

The other girl is a real sweetheart and seems very submissive. We were supposed to actually have a date before I left Austin months ago, but she got covid, and then she got nervous and flaked. I was so busy with other girls I barely noticed. She messaged me out of the blue on FL after she seen I was back. She apologized a lot, I told her she'd make it up to me by being extra dolled up on our date which she was eager to abide. Was supposed to have a date today but she had a legitimate family emergency and explained she reeeeaaaly didnt want to cancel and totally understood if I didn't want to see her. Told her to tend to her family member, and when her life is back in order, maybe we'll have a date, but she was really going to owe me and have to put effort in.

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I assume you have more Dom experience then me, I'd like to pick your brain on this specific thing.

If you guys are going to meet eventually.. or any girl that rescheduled in the past..
How big of a deal are you intent to make this clear to her that she cancelled on you? You intent to just playful comment she is a bad girl throughout the date to eventually sexualize on that? When it leads to sexual play I bet it's a great way to make her do things to "repay" you and search for her boundaries this way.. or you skip this due to her emotional baggage that is part of her reason(helping a family member)?

Bman said:

I'm slowing down my dating in order to focus on some important business priorities and just clearing up some mental space. That said, I'm not stopping dating altogether.

I'm not sure where this trend in renunciation on the forums came from. I'm all for deep inner work and advocate it fully. We all know I've had my fair share here. However, I never became a monk while I did it.

Sexual desire is a healthy and natural life force for a man. Personally, when I disregard it, I lose a lot of creativity and zest for life. I'm not happy and I'm not myself. I'm a zombie.

I'm not saying extreme hedonism is the answer either. You need to find your level of moderation. Just like you need to find what your values are and live those, not in reaction to the cultural whims of the time, but irrespective of those whims.

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That's right, not extreme hedonism or deleting apps.. just continue the hard screening and more YOU time!

Bunnyman said:

How big of a deal are you intent to make this clear to her that she cancelled on you?

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You might be a little surprised by my answer on this, but I'm probably more mild than other guys are. Here's why.

Before all this, I was previously in an 8 year LTR, 4 of those married. One thing you'll learn in any LTR, but definitely a marriage, is you pick and choose your battles. You have to think about long term behavior, not just one night. You learn to frequently reward behavior you like or want more of, and to sparingly punish the most insidious behaviors you don't want repeated. If punish every little transgression or mistake, then you're just being a dick, and the punishments lose their potency.

When I date, I try to aim for retention most of the time. In doing that, I want to start conditioning from the beginning. So even before the date, if they are doing something I like, say sending me their work schedule so it's easy to pick a day for us, I thank them for this specific act and often call them a good girl. Just small things. If I tell them to wear something specific, and they do so, I'll thank them and tell them how beautiful they look in it.

On the flip side, if they cancel, and had a legitimate excuse, they are apologizing profusely, offer a reschedule, ect, I don't even sweat it. In this scenario I told her I don't appreciate my time being disrespected, but I'm not unreasonable either, go tend to her family. In fact I told her I admire her care and compassion for her family (a long term behavior I'd like to reinforce). That said, I also told her she'll need to be extra dolled up for me on the date as well - putting forth a behavior I expect, which is effort in her appearance.

You certainly could use it in a sexual way, but I wouldn't. I don't want to "punish" for something that really wasn't in her control and then make some negatives associations between that, me, and sex. Long term, I want the association of sex and me to be really positive, open, and judgement free in her mind. The more I can do that, the more of the slut I can let out.

Sometimes I see guys here battling over the littlest stuff. You may have won the battle, but you lost the war. Not that I view any of this as a man vs woman. It's us, and this behavior correction is to make that bond stronger.

Generally speaking, that's the correct approach.

I don't agree with the "make her pay to show it's not good to cancel on you" policy, most of the times is seen totally in the wrong way. Again, reading between the lines comes in handy.
If she sends you a message "gotta cancel" well, you already know how to deal with this message, invest less and less. If she apologises and offers to reschedule, it's a genuine one and should be met with empathy. I make a joke saying how i was ironing the tuxedo already but say it's all good and look forward to the new date

Yes, the association of sex and me must be positive.. so I'll stop with the useless "punishing". I try to aim at being open & judgement free by saying it and sharing stories of me in the past where I mention being judgement free but most of the time it never clicks in the girl's mind, this might be the case why it's like that. This is a great help guys. Much obliged!

So I started renting a room in a house in one of the suburbs right outside of Austin. Although it would seem like possibly bad logistics, I am nestled between the two major universities here, and anyone that lives on the outskirts of Austin is used to driving. It's nice to have a stable place to work and not be concerned with moving around in the van all the time, plus, you know, running water and electricity are pretty nice. Also, I so much more appreciate a full room to have sex in. It's the small things in life. Lol

I've been dating girls pretty much of FetLife lately because the difference of dating with status vs not is just amazing. Really its the small things that make the experience really enjoyable. Such as all of them being respectful when rescheduling. They were also really respectful around my boundaries of texting. Additionally, because I have such a long bio and a bunch of writings, the girls are heavily prescreened. All the ones I've dated recently are avid gym goers and growth mindset focused. One even asked me ways the I'd like to see her improve before we even went on the date! Felt unreal at first. I've also noticed that because of this, I'm starting to just expect it more, as if this is how I'm supposed to be treated. For example, one of the girls I went on a date with is pretty addicted to her phone. She got on it a couple times during the date, and instead of calling it out or getting any sort of anger about it, I just simply grabbed her phone out of her hands and placed it face down on the end of the table, just continuing our conversation, and she happily went along. To be honest, this sticks out in my mind because when I was married, my wife used to be addicted to her phone and it would drive me nuts when we were out somewhere together. I'm very much a quality time type of person and when they are on their phone it makes me feel unimportant and unloved. I would fester in my head about it but not say anything until way later.

I've also been dating a little differently because I have so much leeway. I've been telling them before the first date that I don't have expectation of playing on the first date and would rather make sure we fully vibe and then can plan a day afterwards. This is more for me than it is them, honestly. Having spent enough time with my erotic mind, I actually enjoy a little of the anticipation. It also allows me to slow down the interaction, increase the tension and teasing for both of us, and savor all the little steps in between, such as kissing on the first date. I love the little moans and whimpers, and feeling their body relax in my hands on that first makeout session. But if I just do the entire close of the first date, my mind overrides the enjoyment of that with the sex and whether that was good or not. This way I can enjoy the date and the sex as two separate experiences and savor them both.

Here's my girls as of late:

• Russian princess: Blonde with big tits (even after having a breast reduction) and a very pretty face. She's from Russia but moved to the states when she was young and raised on ranches of the Midwest, so has that small town girl vibe. She's currently pursuing a PhD, and is intelligent, but also really ditzy sometimes, to my annoyance a little. She's the one addicted to her phone too, for which she has rule of no phones when she visits me. She's a self proclaimed brat, and pretty cold towards others (hello Russian women) but pretty respectful of me and does pretty much whatever I say. Also obsessed with her appearance, so she dresses well, even down to the lingerie, and always dolled up.
• Nervous Girl: This is the one from a few posts above who needed to reschedule a couple times. She delivered though coming on a date in very cute sundress. Another blonde and defiantly Texas raised. Very focused on growing as a person and real badass at her work, but very submissive in the bedroom. She gets quite nervous about a lot. The eye contact on the date was pretty intense for her, her saying "The way you look at me, it's like I can't hide anything from you." This girl's sexual fantasies are just freaking delicious, too. She texts them to me a lot and they are so hot. I think I'll have a lot of fun with her.
• Military Girl: Girl from the texts above. Served in the military and true woman of service through and through. Petite, keeps herself in great shape, and getting your trainer certs right now. Extroverted with a great personality. Our first date actually went for 90 mins, which is quite long for me, just because we were having so much fun laughing and bantering with each other, and then of course, sucking face later. I actually invited her out to join me on Thanksgiving morning to volunteer with me at a non-profit that helps to feed the homeless on Thanksgiving. She has her family dinner in the afternoon, so she'll be coming over the next day so I can stuff her instead of a turkey. #playersthanksgiving.

All in all, enjoying my time dating as a Dom. I follow another guy on FetLife who is influencer level on there. He has girls fly out to his place, and pretty much has pick of whoever he likes. Two years ago when I started mine, I was literally zero. No one. Now that level doesn't feel to far off, if I just continue doing the work. I don't really care about the status for status' sake, it's a tool just like anything else. Far more intrigued by what I'm able to do with it and the benefits that know one else sees. If girls are treating me this way now, I imagine how they must treat him.

Bman said:

and instead of calling it out or getting any sort of anger about it, I just simply grabbed her phone out of her hands and placed it face down on the end of the table, just continuing our conversation

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isn't it crazy when becoming more dominant, changes your behaviour?

Bman said:

All in all, enjoying my time dating as a Dom. I follow another guy on FetLife who is influencer level on there

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man share the profile in private please, excellence in one field is amazing