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Brandon Builds - Rough Days with Girls

What helps for me (and I know how juvenile it sounds) is sticking it in when I'm barely hard, mentally thinking "ok I got the lay" and then I can eventually relax lol.

The old trick of blindfolding the girl also works.
 
Thought I would share a small fun adventure today in the kink community.

A new play party space opened up recently from a Domme who moved here in April. Every time a new leader enters the scene here I immediately go to one of their events to network. Politics. Shake hands, kiss babies type stuff.

Turns out this woman turned her expensive private residence into a dungeon. She has set it up very much how I would want to, as she is Tantra and BDSM practices informed. I'm actually pretty excited to attend play parties there. To attend though you must be invited, go through orientation, and be vetted. There is also different level play parties for beginners to advanced. Luckily I'm good to go for any level.

About a week ago I went to a munch here in the community and there was very attractive, slender girl there. She was swarmed by all the guys there that night, so I just let her be. Was not anything I was going to do in the moment to stand out among the thirst crowd. At that munch we did a round of intros and saying if we were open to new partners. When it got to her, she said maybe and a bunch of stipulations, and vetting, negotiations, ect. Those things are all fine and great but she sound like one the extreme protocol girls and sounded mostly to be a rope bottom (which I'm not that into yet). So I said I was not even going to bother approaching without some sort of status boost on my side.

Well today I attended the orientation session for the new play space. What you know, this girl walks into the space, dressed in a tight black dress and leggings underneath, and sat right in the middle of the circle of people so essentially all eyes are on her. Second best dressed person in the space was myself.

We then did a little network exercise where we had to move around the room. When we went to sit back down on the floor, she sat right in front of me. 6 inches closer and she would have been sitting in my lap. She then proceeds to lay herself out on the floor, flipping and flaunting her hair around, and moving around in all sorts of positions during the course of the orientation talk.

The leader goes through the orientation and gets to the ice breaker, which because she is tantra informed, is the 3 minute game. She tells us to find a partner who we have not met yet. Can you guess who this girl chose?

During the 3 minute game we ask each other "What would you like me to do to you?" and go back and forth. We exchanged hugs, eye gazing, foot massage, hand massages, head scratches, pretty much touching as much as possible in short window with a ton of people around. She also wanted to flaunt how well she listens to directions. New round, we have to find a new partner.

After the game we took a tour of the house. Everytime we go into a new room, this girl is right back to trying to be center of attention. Of course I drew attention to myself as we went into new spaces by asking questions, speaking loudly and deeply. When I'm around normal people, my voice is deep but not resonating deep. But I notice when I'm approaching or around women I'm trying to attract, I by instinct put the pitch of my voice much lower and it resonates in a room.

When the tour ends I do a little networking with the leader. Good chance we could do a collab party together. Anyways, the girl left before getting chance to isolate and talk with her.

By her attitude, I'm not sure if I want to go through the hassle. On the other hand, there was attraction, so it may be worth screening her at least. It would also be good practice with a value girl. Regardless, good chances I'll be seeing her at play party in the future, where I'll probably have a partner along with me.
 
jakeD said:
You also do get even better with more time and experience. Even if you already have alot in my mind.

When I was working on this I'd purposefully put myself in tough situations to get hard to desensitize myself over time and it did help. Like showed up to some girls house, tried to fuck in the first 5min. Couldn't get hard. I did it over and over until I really trained myself in a different direction but was super long term process.
Click to expand...

Quality advice. Pretty much what I figured is it will work it's self out with more time and experience. As you said, it happens, it's no biggie.
 
Bman said:
Thought I would share a small fun adventure today in the kink community.

A new play party space opened up recently from a Domme who moved here in April. Every time a new leader enters the scene here I immediately go to one of their events to network. Politics. Shake hands, kiss babies type stuff.

Turns out this woman turned her expensive private residence into a dungeon. She has set it up very much how I would want to, as she is Tantra and BDSM practices informed. I'm actually pretty excited to attend play parties there. To attend though you must be invited, go through orientation, and be vetted. There is also different level play parties for beginners to advanced. Luckily I'm good to go for any level.

About a week ago I went to a munch here in the community and there was very attractive, slender girl there. She was swarmed by all the guys there that night, so I just let her be. Was not anything I was going to do in the moment to stand out among the thirst crowd. At that munch we did a round of intros and saying if we were open to new partners. When it got to her, she said maybe and a bunch of stipulations, and vetting, negotiations, ect. Those things are all fine and great but she sound like one the extreme protocol girls and sounded mostly to be a rope bottom (which I'm not that into yet). So I said I was not even going to bother approaching without some sort of status boost on my side.

Well today I attended the orientation session for the new play space. What you know, this girl walks into the space, dressed in a tight black dress and leggings underneath, and sat right in the middle of the circle of people so essentially all eyes are on her. Second best dressed person in the space was myself.

We then did a little network exercise where we had to move around the room. When we went to sit back down on the floor, she sat right in front of me. 6 inches closer and she would have been sitting in my lap. She then proceeds to lay herself out on the floor, flipping and flaunting her hair around, and moving around in all sorts of positions during the course of the orientation talk.

The leader goes through the orientation and gets to the ice breaker, which because she is tantra informed, is the 3 minute game. She tells us to find a partner who we have not met yet. Can you guess who this girl chose?

During the 3 minute game we ask each other "What would you like me to do to you?" and go back and forth. We exchanged hugs, eye gazing, foot massage, hand massages, head scratches, pretty much touching as much as possible in short window with a ton of people around. She also wanted to flaunt how well she listens to directions. New round, we have to find a new partner.

After the game we took a tour of the house. Everytime we go into a new room, this girl is right back to trying to be center of attention. Of course I drew attention to myself as we went into new spaces by asking questions, speaking loudly and deeply. When I'm around normal people, my voice is deep but not resonating deep. But I notice when I'm approaching or around women I'm trying to attract, I by instinct put the pitch of my voice much lower and it resonates in a room.

When the tour ends I do a little networking with the leader. Good chance we could do a collab party together. Anyways, the girl left before getting chance to isolate and talk with her.

By her attitude, I'm not sure if I want to go through the hassle. On the other hand, there was attraction, so it may be worth screening her at least. It would also be good practice with a value girl. Regardless, good chances I'll be seeing her at play party in the future, where I'll probably have a partner along with me.
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Well I added this girl on FetLife and waited to DM after she accepted.

She accepted, sent me a DM instead saying it was good to meet me, that she has seen me around, and asked if I would be attending one of the play parties soon. Girl speak for "I'm interested in you but not going to say that."

Her profile, in big bold red letters says, "I am not interested in obtaining new sexual partners through FetLife. Platonic rope tying and social networking only. No exceptions." Followed by a fat list of rules. During the first munch when I saw her she shared with the group that she's been called a bitch for having high standards. (foducossy42, this would be an example of a potential fake brat).

Honey, I'm a pirate. Rules are more like guidelines anyways. There is always an exception... me.

So I screened to disqualify her saying "I see you're mostly into rope and also not looking for new partners. That's too bad, I thought you were quite cute."

She sent back a fat paragraph basically qualifying thats to screen out the creeps of FetLife and that she read through my profile and mentioned several things from it that she was interested in. Followed by she also thought I was attractive and "hoping we run into each other again so we can chat more."

We don't do things by chance around here. So told her rather than leave it to chance, lets grab a coffee and grabbed her number.

I'm totally up for grabbing a coffee and screening to see if this girl will drop the "princess treatment only" attitude and be on the same team when its just her and I. I think there is a good chance she will. If not, I don't care how hot she is, I'll move along.

Regardless, feels pretty cool to make that happen.
 
Year 2: Sophomore Review

I know it’s not the end of the year, however, my men’s retreat where I get together with my men’s group in person starts tomorrow and it seemed like the appropriate time to review.

To begin, I want to thank every person tagged in this post. Some of you were tagged multiple times which means I learned a lot from you. Thank you for your mentorship and guidance.

Now, fulfilling what I promised when I started here:

Bman said:
2) Provide value from my experience.
Click to expand...

Here is everything I learned during my second year at KYIL. My hope is that for those learning from me, you will see I am nothing special. I’ve just studied AND implemented more than you have. However, I’ve tried to leave breadcrumbs along the way.

What I accomplished

From Jan 1 – Today, In dating I accomplished:
  • 12 New Lays
  • 4 FWBs; 3 concurrently for a month; 2 concurrently for several months
  • More dates & lays with hotter, more quality girls
  • Honing my date game and finally getting comfortable with kino on dates
  • Attracted two new archetypes:
    • 38-40yo, newly divorced and want to finally have good sex - These women still have rocking bodies, pretty good in bed, and are a breeze with logistics. Because I’m more mature than my age, I connect well with them. I’m a fan. (I also think I have an age kink going both ways. It’s just so much fun experiencing a different generation).
    • Top OnlyFans Girls – Five of them. I attracted FIVE of them. Four of them make their full time living from it. Three of them were top 1%. One was also a Suicide Girl. And they all were a little emotionally… different. I’ve not figured out how to navigate these girls at all or if I want to. Needless to say, I didn’t get to fuck any of them. OF1 we escalated, but never happened (more on her later). OF2 is cute, but too pudgy for me so I friendzone her. OF3 was actually pretty normal, works a professional job in marketing, and posts boudoir nudes. I really wanted to fuck her but got cucked on logistics for the first date, then she had a trip, and she has boyfriend, so things fizzled out. I think I’ll look for more of these types in the future. OF4 was a train wreck. OF5 lived 1.5hrs away, was in Austin for a week, her car blew up on the day of our date.
  • Started my own munch and have run it weekly since Feb
  • Threw a 38 person kink play party which had a 10 person orgy
  • Threw a 20 person kinky pool party
  • Went from a nobody in Austin’s kink scene to a leader, well known, invited to private play parties, and occasionally sought out on FetLife
    • AskTheDom called this shit – he jokes there is no Dom card, but his encouragement that I could do it gave me one. By July and Day 219 of my 365, I had become the “guy to know”.
  • Help to run ATXs biggest kink party, which had 600+ people in Oct
  • Substantially increased my sex, Tantra, and BDSM skills
  • 2 boudoir shoots
  • Learned what it’s like to be the hot one who is turning multiple woman down

------

What I learned

I’m writing this section to help you with any places I’ve learned and resources I used so that may be of benefit to you. I also want you to understand how these forums can be a benefit to you beyond recording your own progress.

Every single person here has something you can learn from them. Whether you like them or share their values is irrelevant. If they do something that you are morally against, then don’t do it. But don’t argue their strategies are less effective.

An extreme example of this: I read both Martin Luther King Jr’s autobiography and Rise and Fall of the Third Reich about Hitler this year. It should be pretty obvious I don’t like Hitler and don’t share his values. What’s less obvious is I learned from both of them about leadership and use it to inform my own leadership style.

The lessons written here are only what I learned this year, not in Year 1 or previously in my dating life or marriage. Nor does it discuss what I learned in other areas of my life.

As always, please learn, then do. Repeat ad nauseam.


Apps

Here’s a short review of my experience of the major apps this year.

Tinder: Although the prominent app, it’s always been hit or miss for me. Boosts seemed less effective this year. It was flooded with fake profiles. I got laid a few times from it, but I did not put much energy into it. I would just check if I got likes and swipe on couple, just to keep it going.

Hinge: This app was a money maker for me last year. The girls seem more intentional and less likely to stop responding. One of my current FWB’s that I’ve seen for several months was from here. However it is a time commitment to be sending out likes every day. I also got banned on there half a dozen times. After my phone broke (and Politics Girl bought me a new one) I just never went through the hassle of setting up a new profile.

Bumble: I’ve only ever got one number from this app. I think my archetype is too extreme for the app or my SMV is too low. Either way, I deleted it a long time ago.

Feel’d: This year’s money maker. Being that my archetype is more of the anti-chad, I do pretty well on there. Here’s a good discussion about some of what make that successful. Women on here are much more intentional and far less flakey. Austin is also a hub for alternative lifestyles, so it gets a solid user base.

FetLife: Not necessarily an app and you won’t have great success if you use it like one. However it’s becoming a cornerstone for my social game. Chads have Instagram. Anti-chads have FetLife. Here is some general advice I wrote on FetLife based on what I’ve been able to achieve so far.


Texting/ Communication

Lesson: Be more commanding.
  • Mr.V’s Guide To Texting Girls, originally recommend by from Manganiello, helped me learn to use more commanding language and definitive sentences like “let’s meet at x”. It also helped with scheduling in using the illusion of choice by saying “I’m free on Wednesday or Friday at 6.” The rest of the guide was too arrogant for the way I speak. I’m confident and dominant in my speech, but not arrogant.

Lesson: Designing lines for screening.
  • Andy gets a lot of shit for his texting style but I think it’s because many miss the point. He is screening hard for exactly what he wants. Which first requires him to actually know what he wants. I ran his BDSM line a lot my first year. This year I started designing my own, to screen for exactly what I wanted. Right now I use “I’m looking for something ongoing and casual with a woman who’s not afraid to still be honest and emotionally connected. Someone who’s in touch with their pleasure and wants to be adventurous, exploring BDSM or tantra.” They usually say they want that too. Then I grab the number. For an example of designing it for something specifc you want, check out Andy’s version for doing photoshoots. Next year when I’m travelling I’ll screen something along the lines of “looking for a fun fling with an adventurous girl while I’m in the city for the next couple months…”
  • To push my assertiveness and screen for very submissive girls, I started telling girls what to wear. This came directly from Holden's logs where he tells them to wear heels. Most girls comply. Every once in a while you get one who gets offended or does not comply, and so far, those have been girls I’ve not bothered with or had a good time with.

Lesson: Experiment with new lines
  • Particularly on Feel’d and FetLife, the line “Tell me what you’re looking for here or what caught your eye on my profile,” has been great. Either makes them heavily qualify themselves or gives me feedback about what’s working on my profile. It also screens. Many times I get double or triple texts back in paragraphs. Every once in a while I get a one sentence reply back and those usually turn out to be duds.
  • After I’m done setting a date I’ll say “Be good till then.” I started doing this because I didn’t like when girls wanted to keep texting after setting a date or get butthurt if I don’t keep texting. This tells them I’m going to stop texting them now. I frequently get back “Yes daddy” or “Yes sir”.

Lesson: Sexualize your conversation
  • During my kink adventures I met a top .02% of Only Fans girl. She’s a bratty, flirty, high status girl in the kink scene. Her job is literally to flirt and shit test guys. Figured if I could go head to head with her, I’d probably do alright with other girls. After getting her number, I used her as training grounds over multiple months to learn how to flirt, tease, call out frames, and sexualize my conversations. I pushed it to my boundaries. There was a day she was being over the top bratty and having a huge ego, said something about being fake, and I called her out saying something degrading along the lines of “coming from a girl who dresses up in fake costumes and takes photos for guys…” basically hitting something very true and hurtful to her self-esteem about being an only fans girl. To be clear, we were not arguing, it was playful teasing, but I did not like that I had escalated to very true and hurtful territory. So I drew a boundary there for myself, and straight told her to quit being so bratty that day. Benefit of practicing with her was I would also see her in person every month, so it pushed me to get comfortable with consequences of what I said in text.
  • This will be hard for you to replicate. What I recommend is when you get a number from a very hot girl, the kind that know they are really hot, and the lead starts going cold or logistically you will not get them on a date, push that conversation as far as you can. Try out what you would be normally afraid to say.

Lesson: Be honest & direct.
  • I thought I was being pretty honest about my intentions and desires, especially since honesty is core value of mine and what drew me to Andy’s content, but I learned I could be even more. Paticuraly, I learned how to just state what I wanted or how I felt about a woman and being absolutely ok if that was not fulfilled, being completely outcome independent. This came from reading Mode One Communication, which was recommended by Zug .

Lesson: Text the way you actually speak.
  • First year I studied and tried to copy the way other people were texting, either from the forums or PWF. Problem was that I don’t have the same personality as them. So if a girl responded in a way I did not expect (which is all the time) then I wouldn’t know how to respond and still be congruent with the rest of the conversation, because I don’t talk like that. After learning the basic structure of texting and things to avoid, seen in the first resource, I started texting how I naturally speak. What emerged was a direct approach, with a dominant tone, light teasing and sexualization, and empathy. There’s no resource for this. It will come with time and experience.

Lesson: Be a gentlemen and turn women down with empathy and dignity.
  • This is more advanced, but because I did social game and became a top guy in a community, I got a lot of women who propositioned me who I was not attracted to. When that happened, I wanted to turn them down in a way that was honest, direct, but allowed them to keep their dignity and still encouraged them to initiate with guys they are attracted to. This took some iterations, because frankly I’d not had the script flipped before where I was like the hot girl being chased after, but after having 4 girls in one week reach out on FetLife, I used the help of ChatGPT and tailored it a bit to my speech. Here’s the current script. “Hey! Thank you for your kind message. I appreciate your interest and the effort you've made to reach out. I know its nerve wracking! It's always wonderful to connect with new people and make new friends. However, I want to be honest and upfront with you that I'm not interested in being partners. Please don't take this as a reflection on you as a person, as I'm sure you're amazing in your own right. I genuinely encourage you to keep reaching out to people you're interested in and pursuing connections that feel right for you.” Did I have to do this? No. Do I owe them a response? No. However, as guys we bitch all the time about girls rejecting us harshly, not responding, or girls not initiating enough. Well, be the change you wish to see in the world.


Archetype

Lesson: Develop an archetype and make it congruent with who you actually are AND the girls you want to attract.
  • I won’t delve into explaining this. I wrote 7500+ words on it here. Resources that inspired those words include:
  • pancakemouse’s “I’m not attracting the types of girls I want to attract”
  • kyil_andy & Ed_ did a podcast showing how Ed changed his archetype and had better success.
  • AskTheDom and Crisis_Overcomer did a podcast discussing archetypes and what happens when they are incongruent.
  • MILFandCookies did a video explaining the importance of being congruent in your photos, showcasing what you would look like and be doing if you were caught on your best day.


Inner Game/ Mindset

Inner game was probably my biggest need of improvement as I discussed in my intro to my 365 day project. Really the action to do was simple, which was every day to remind myself of my Self, and the bare minimum was affirmations and mirror therapy in the morning. What ended up happening is my focus shifted throughout the day, I made more decisions that increased being self-secure, and pushed my capacities. I ended the 365 early because things finally started clicking for me around this lay, and I only pursue goals in as much as they serve me. It felt complete, so I finished it.

Lesson: Define your goals and values.
  • Decisions become much clearer when you answer “What do you want?” which I must have seen AskTheDom say a half dozen times on other people’s logs over the year. During my own men’s group we worked on values and goals in various ways throughout the year. I gained an intimate understanding of my values and expressed them in the Archetype guide. When I helped MakingAComeback get his men’s group going, I realized that some of my actions were not in line with my goals and values and I was getting caught up and the goals and values of the community. So I adjusted course (read here and here) and focused on myself. I was much happier afterwards.

Lesson: Relax. There will be another.
  • Last year I was still getting worked up about flakes. Now I could literally care less. Crisis_Overcomer's resource helped with identifying trauma and starting to work with it. What really helped was:
    • More experience seeing flakes are hugely out of my control. I was cucked by scheduling so many times it’s not even funny.
    • Having abundance and knowing I’d be fucking one or two of my girls that week anyways and had others I was trying to get scheduled.
    • Having a project, my van, that I was so excited to work on that sometimes I was hoping they would flake. Andy shared these concepts in a recent video.
  • After treating myself with more respect by asserting boundaries and demonstrating my value, they respected me more by letting me know instead of straight ghosting. I will say, ghosting still hurts. It hits an abandonment trigger. I do get over it quicker than I used to though.

Lesson: Do what you say, say what you mean.
  • This motto was told to me by Trio Girl and I fell in love with it after I heard it. I’ve worked hard at being a man of integrity except when it came to expressing my own masculine desire. With the help of The Erotic Mind & some journaling I started to put words to my desires. Then in texts, dates, and even at my munches in front of dozens of people, would practice speaking those desires and then acting on those desires (within consent of course). Mode One Communication helped with this. If I thought a woman was attractive, I told her she was attractive, and then acted with desire towards her by flirting, escalating, and fulfilling my needs in the bedroom, not just hers. My actions match my words which matched my desires.

Lesson: I have value.
  • Holden & AskTheDom have done a lot to help me screw my head on straight, especially around a lack of self-worth I may have previously displayed in earlier lay reports. Here, and the few posts after, is when I started recognizing my own value. After that, putting myself first and setting boundaries have become a walk in the park. Not just with women but with everyone. This week I just told my father I’m not coming home for the holidays because family is not a value of mine and I’d actually be happier spending it alone (very true statement).

Lesson: I am enough.
  • You don’t know how unbelievably hard this was to swallow, until it wasn’t. I have read and consumed so much eastern philosophy trying to understand what it means to be, and balance out my drive to be doing in order to fill a void that I’m not enough. In the beginning of the year, I read Already Free which really helped me accept the dichotomy of being vs doing which I briefly explained here. What really clicked for me was when Manly Cockfellow shared the videos from Travel Bum around self-value. I really learned the difference between being and doing. I also learned when I acknowledge a feeling, fulfill a need, or express a desire, which is given to us not by any conscious choice, I’m valuing my own existence.
  • The self-validation portion of this still ebbs and flows. I stopped posting longer lays reports, without pictures, and removed the lay count from my signature after Aku made some good points and I realized I still wanted the validation from you guys. I try really hard to just post what I think will be helpful for myself to learn or for you to learn. What I have very recently learned was to start not only disregarding criticism from others that have not merit, but also disregard praise from others as well. That at the end of the day, you’re only praising me because it reflects something that you are or wish you were. It has nothing to do with me. So if I want true validation, I’m going to have to give it to myself for what I am or am working to become. Andy opened me to this concept in his live.

Lesson: I still have weaknesses.
  • Alright. Short story: When I was a teenager there was this really hot blonde girl in middle school, there was attraction between us, I had 0 idea what the fuck to do, missed my window, she got a very abusive boyfriend, I was friendzoned, tried to white knight, and was emotionally used (because I let her) all through high school. I loved that girl. She hit the same hot/cold abandonment trauma trigger from early childhood and my nervous system ate it up.
  • What does this have to do with now? Well, I got emotionally invested in trying to make something happen with OF Girl this year. I learned from reading the Erotic Mind that this is called limerence, a state of mind resulting from romantic attraction, characterized by feelings of euphoria or the desire to have one's feelings reciprocated. I genuinely liked this girl. A few key things stood out to me
    • we vibed really well with each other when we hung out
    • she was comfortable being silent and just sitting in each other’s company
    • was sweet to me when she was really bratty with others
    • despite being 21, she always put her phone away and was fully present with me when we talked.
    • That’s on top of being hot and kinky, of course.
    Now, the situation was not entirely the same as high school, but it was similar. OF Girl was in an open relationship with a boyfriend, I tried multiplentimes to set a date with just her and I but nothing ever panned out, and I let myself ride the emotional rollercoaster of thinking she is interested, excitement, then to being bummed because the cycle of seeing her every 4 weeks at the kink events hit that same hot/cold abandonment trauma trigger. All I ever made it to was a kiss during one of the munches. What was different from high school was I made my intentions clear, tried to escalate, and was talking with and fucking multiple other girls. Eventually I took AskTheDom’s advice to forget she ever existed. I stopped texting her and even skipped a month at Shrine and went to a different play party where I played with 2 past partners at that party. Then by happenstance we kept missing each other for like 3 months in a row because one of us didn’t go or came at different times. Last month we saw each other and chatted, but not for long. Afterwards, I really wanted to text her, but I didn’t. I don’t really know where we sit, but emotionally, this one’s not good for me. If her situation was different, maybe.
  • I have tattoo of a siren (mermaid) on my forearm with band around her that says “Captain’s Temptations” to be a constant reminder that there are certain women that can capture me like that. So sirens = 2, Bman = 0.
 
continuing from above...

Sex & Dominance

The following resources are a mixed bag of novice and advanced techniques. Ever since the first time I had sex at 19 I wanted to learn everything about it. Everything I share below is just from this year and does not include all that I’ve learned previously. That means knowledge gaps of where you are and these materials may be large. My advice is that you should only really worry about this stuff if you are getting laid consistently, either through multiple girls or a relationship. Otherwise, focus on your lead flow.

Lesson: Express your desires.
  • Spoke about this some in the communication section. However I learned that the more I spoke about my desires or kinks, the easier it was to accept and act on them. Two things really helped with this on top of the integrity work spoke about before:
    • Running the munch: To help others at the munch open up and share their sexuality, I often went first and sometimes would share something that would be very vulnerable to someone else. Doing so helped them to open up more.
    • I shared and expressed this on dates. This had the added effect of seeing her get turned on by the fantasy I was creating in her mind.
  • When we made it to the bedroom, I practiced continuing to express those desires in my dirty talk. Mode one communication helped. So did this video and this video by James Marshall. Andy also has a couple videos explaining to just say whatever is on your mind.
  • I also learned that being confident to express desires, particularly in a social setting, will attract women. Here’s when I attracted a virgin from my munch who was enamored by my sex stories.

Lesson: Hone your technical skills.
  • Beducated is collection of a bunch of sex educator’s course on some basic sex skills. Great for either beginners or someone brushing up on their skills like I did this year. Some are really good, others ok. I recommend:
    • Fingering with Ryan MacLane
    • Sensual Vulva Massage with Jaya Shivani
    • Choking with Lola Jean
    • Squirting with Lola Jean
    • Handjob Mastery with Luna Matatas
    • Tantric Kink with Luna Agneya
    • Female Pleasure with Eyal Matsliah
    • Penetration with Kenneth Play
    • The Wheel of Consent with Dr. Betty Martin
    • Sacred Sex with Aida Lucie
  • Kink Academy can really be hit or miss. However, you will find some gems in there on technical parts of kink play. Some play is important to learn safety for, even if they don’t seem like you need to. I actually bruised and sprained my hand for about a week after just spanking Spanking Girl a ton. Here are a couple that I took value from at Kink Academy:
  • If you’re into rope, this course by Chief at Kinky Events UK is great. Or the Duchy. I’m not big into this yet, but will probably practice more when I have free time chilling in the van during van life.

Lesson: Women are turned on in the mind. How you do something is actually more important than what you do in bed.
  • If you understand the psychology of dominance, you can better know how and when to use a specific technique to evoke a desire or an emotion. Understanding this really helped me translate that dominance into how I carried myself in the scene. It’s also what turned a regular ol’ spanking into something that got her very wet.
  • For understanding how to lead, mentor, and train your submissive and help them to explore your desires I highly recommend everything by Chief at Kinky Events UK. The course on the Art of Submission gave me excellent tools for getting my girls to talk about their desires, like asking them “how do you want to feel?” for which they may give me an answer of secure, taken, desired, ravished, playful, or whatever and I can choose the acts that will evoke that feeling for them. The course also has an excellent exercise for discovering your core desires, the things that will turn you on in any situation, and how to design scenes around those. He also has a great guide on training a sub and a ton of other great guides on aspects of being a dom. I’ve also used his sex menu, which is great tool to open up communication with your subs, kind of like how Andy tells them to make a sexual bucket list.
  • Knowing your technical skills is great. Being able to put dominant intention behind them takes them to the next level. But to really make them shine, you want to bring all your skills together as a beautifully orchestrated whole. Chief’s Sensational Scenes book helped a lot with this, which gives you a framework that follows the phases of orgasms with the lead in, ramp up, climax, coming down, and aftercare. Every time I’ve created scenes this way rather than just winging it, it really hit well for the both of us. He also explains the concept of “how you do something is more important than what you do”.
  • Taking the same spirit of archetypes from before, you can enhance your dominance by integrating some showmanship and crafting a dominant archetype for yourself you can present in the scene or in the bedroom. I took some fashion tips from AskTheDom, making my wardrobe red, white, and black, adding in my wide brim fedora, and always standing out from everyone else at events. I also like and started to practice some the flair and fluidity of James Marshall’s techniques. His flogging and simple bondage techniques are questionable, but his leading, spanking, collaring, and position transitions are good.
  • For advanced and high level Dom skills, I recommend 7 Days of Domination which is a collective of workshops by Pro Dommes. I’ve only just found this resource and taken a couple workshops, but the concepts in Teasing with Nikita Reign were great. They apply inside and outside the bedroom for flipping the script with women and making them chase. I used them on Politics Girl last Sunday and she loved it.

Lesson: Lasting as long as I want.
  • Brushing up on Tantra skills, which I listed some of the very basics to hyrtsmyrts here, helped a lot with this. Specifically loosening up my hamstrings and pelvic floor. When you ejaculate you contract all of these muscles, so if you learn to relax them you can control yourself more before reaching the point of no return. I designed a yoga flow to help with this upon Manly Cockfellow's request.
  • Breathing during sex is also crucially important. When you’re about to ejaculate your breath gets fast and shallow. So instead, breath deep into your pelvic floor (much like a reverse kegel), and slow it down. Also, be vocal and moan or sigh during sex. It’s your body’s natural way of balancing arousal. Plus my girls love when I moan and growl in their ear. I recommend checking out Eyal Matsliah’s Ejaculation Mastery course on Beducated, which will teach you the basic concepts of the Point of No Return and how to continually bring yourself back from that.
  • For the hell of me I can’t find the original resource (I’ll try to keep looking) I learned this from, but learning how to short circuit and release your pelvic floor during sex will also help. Essentially, you train using a fleshlight and keep your dick all the way in, and rapidly pump with the tiniest of stokes, barely pulling your dick out a few centimeters. Doing so will make you pelvic floor work overdrive, eventually tire out, and then relax. Afterwards you’ll remain hard but can last longer. Of course if you’re close to ejaculating, you stop all motion, breathe, and lower your arousal before continuing. It only took me about 3 times of doing this to gain a better mind body connection with those muscles. Taking this over into sex, you put your dick in as deep as possible and do shallow strokes. Shift your tempo depending on your arousal level. Your cardio will give out before your dick does.

Lesson: If you want to be a top guy in the kink scene, know the culture.
  • If you want to just dabble in kink at home or be the occasional tourist at events or munches, it’s not necessary to know the culture. However, if you plan on integrating it into your social circle, you better learn it because the scene is small and people talk. A LOT. The archetype you will want to be wary of the most is the Kinky Karen who is highly educated about all things kink and a stickler for rules and procedures of how this should all be done. This woman will sniff you out quicker than flies on shit. Ms. Lupine is a good example of this and also a good person to learn culture from.
  • I also got some Dungeon Monitor (basically the kinky police at a dungeon/sex club that makes sure everything is happening safely and consensually) training from two groups here in the scene. You can easily get that in your local scene.


Status/ Social game

Lesson: Becoming a “Top Guy” will improve your confidence and provide social proof to help you get laid.
  • After reading Yohami’s notes, originally recommended by pancakemouse, and getting a little encouragement from AskTheDom, I decided to start a munch in the BDSM scene. I wrote a lot about how I started that here. Doing this tremendously improved my confidence, express my sexuality openly to others, lead a group of people, politics between groups, and of course, helped me get laid, both inside the social circle and outside of it. I often mention my status in the kink community on dates which gives me bonus points.

Lesson: Capture your status in the real world for your online presence
  • After seeing Holden capture his dates for his Instagram to use as status and preselection for others, I knew I could do the same concept on FetLife. I ported over my status from Austin’s kink community onto my FetLife, promoted events, worked with up and coming models in the area, wrote guides on dominance and submission, took photos with one of my FWBs, and continuously add attractive women as friends. It’s a work in progress, but I quite frequently get opened on there and been laid from there, too.

Harem Management/ ENM

Lesson: If you want to keep girls around, you need to know “relationship game”, too.
  • Last year I had only one FWB and the rest were ONS. I was not too worried about keeping girls around because I wanted the experience with new girls and frankly, I just got out of a marriage. This year I wanted some regular girls, so I brought in my relationship skills from before, more intention, and screen for girls who would want to stick around more. Unbeknownst to me, I was also following Holden’s Rules of Harems ™.
  • Also being in the scene with so many other polyamorous people also helped me to normalize it and understand how to share details about partners with other people, partners with partners, and so on. Radical also did a short primer on ENM which was good.

Lesson: Be careful introducing girls to each other.
  • This one was earned the hard way. Short story is that I brought Psychedelic Girl out with me to Shrine early in the year, she got jealous of OF Girl, she tried to cause drama in my social circle with OF Girl and her friend behind my back, and then proceeded to submit a character complaint about me to Shrine after I enforced my boundary and dropped her (like a gentlemen). Luckily OF Girl texted me about it and her and her friend hung out with me the next day, and the Shrine leaders just gave me some tips about covering my ass as a leader in the scene and said thank you for everything that I do for them.


Body

Lesson: Put focus on most attractive body parts to women.
  • After Manly Cockfellow posted on “The Most Important Muscle Groups for Aesthetics”, I focused my support days on exercises that accentuated those. Results are that I often get compliments on my shoulders and forearms now. One of my lays even opened me on Fetlife about my forearms.

Lesson: Fill out smaller, support muscles to increase performance and size on larger muscles.
  • I’ve been lifting for a decade. After doing it so long you lose the rapid gains and start the long, continuous effort of slowly growing. This year I started focusing on support exercises that increased strength in stabilizer and support muscle groups. Knee’s over toes program significantly helped my squat depth, which has resulted in some increase in size and strength.

Lesson: Stretch out lower body and core muscles for better sexual performance.
  • I noticed that my hamstrings were very tight and it was hindering my sexual performance. So I created a yoga flow mixed with all the things I’ve learned over the years.

------------------

Year 3: Junior

Here are my main focuses for next year.

Priority 1: My mission

I don’t talk too much about the details of my startup, for its not pertinent for my game development. However I’m mentioning briefly here in my goals just to show that as I work on game next year, its not my number one priority. It never has been. So sometimes I get results slower than others. That’s ok.

So next year I will be:
  • Converting my startup into a non-profit.
  • Recruiting 5 board members (including myself) with 5k seed donation per person
  • Starting first round of raising donations – aiming for 100k
  • Starting to hire course production team – 1-2 employees
  • Completing several course – number depends on employee productivity

I’m not going to delve into details of why I’m going the nonprofit route other than money is not a motivator of mine and education and nonprofit models are a better marriage. Especially given our mission to provide free education for the betterment of humanity.

Priority 2: Game

Year 1 was about looks and learning the basics. Online was perfect for that. Year 2 was about mindset. Status/social worked well to build confidence. Year 3 will be about what I’ve been avoiding: Game.

As the world becomes more digital, I get more bullish about doing things in person. The apps seem to be a never ending arms race. They are also not as exciting as they were in the beginning. After doing dozens of dates from them, the glamour wears off.

When I started, I wanted to eventually have the CONFIDENCE to approach any woman I found attractive, and at the very least have the SKILL to give me a chance. Online helped bring me to the starting line in game, and helped me with self-image issues showing me that maybe I COULD be that guy, but I’m not getting the deliberate practice or exposure I need to really have skill. I’m going to have to actually practice game. This really feels like my next area of development.

So next year I will be:
  • Focus on day game. I think I have potential here. I’m less than 100 approaches total, had 1 date, several numbers, and generally really positive interactions.
  • Not pay for the apps. I’m just not going to have the motivation to go out day gaming if I can just easily swipe a girl over. I may setup a few rules for myself like “you may use it for your first week in a new city” just to get a sense of the market and maybe land me a FWB to hold me over.
  • As I travel to new cities, I’ll be parking the van in high foot traffic areas so there is little excuse to just walk outside the van and start approaching.

Seeking advice: Based on your observance of my behavior and archetype, I would appreciate any direction towards models or resources that would fit me well. My intuition tells me that based on my value of honesty, a direct approach would be appropriate, and that with my high level of empathy, something that focuses more on the emotions and vibe between us is also appropriate. I can tell that trying to remember a dozen logical steps to go through in an interaction may be difficult. I’d rather be in the moment, not in my head.

Priority 3: Van Life

Depending on my budget after completing the van (which should be done by the end of the year), my plan is to break my apartment lease and start my travel in March after my 30th birthday. Kick off a new decade. I will travel to a new city every 2-3 months. To kickstart my social circle in that city, I will be going to meetups, munches, and of course, cold approaching. I’m also going to focus more on adventure dates, where the girls and I can experience the city as much as possible.

Next year my travel arc (if leaving in March):
  • April-June: Denver – My ex wife lives there. We’ve stayed good friends since the divorce, occasionally chatting about life adventures. I’d actually be open to her being a girlfriend in that area code. Of course she would have to be ok with the non-monogamy. Regardless, I’d like to offer that, fine if she doesn’t want to. I also have a chunk of college friends there.
  • July-Sept: Boise – Never been. Hear it’s a beautiful area.
  • Oct-Dec: Seattle – I have numerous friends from college who live there. One of the guys from my men’s group lives there. The kink scene is also pretty large there. Would also love to link up and collab with natedawg and see if we can dominate the social scene there.

Other smaller goals that will happen when they happen
  • Getting a vasectomy
  • More boudoir shoots
  • Continuing to work with dungeons in new cities or training with some pro dommes
  • Getting more tattoos

Open to feedback, constructive criticisms, words of encouragement, resources, or anything else you deem helpful.

Finally, just a thank you to the community.

Very grateful this place exists. I hope that my time here has and continues to be of value to you all. Looking forward to mine and your success in 2024.
 
Well... what can I say?

First of all, I tip my Dom hat to you Good Sir.

Firstly, to be so clear and effective at writing, this river of words flowed straight to the bottom impeccably and with a ton of information.
It by itself could skyrocket someone's progress.

Second, because you listen, implement and reflect on feedback.

So much time and energy gets wasted on advice that people don't follow through or "well I tried once, I didn't get anything out of it so I ditched it" that makes it a special occasion when someone sticks to it and tune it for self adaptation.

Congratulations.

Per aspera ad astra
 
foducossy42 said:
But I need to think about what I need as well, and build the tension — not for her but for me.
Click to expand...

Love this!

Bman, you're at a level where you can start taking some more risks and telling girls exactly what you need, with no thought to whether or not they will be into it.

Same thing with doing what you feel like you need on dates. If you feel the need to kiss her on first sight, respect that instinct. If you feel the need to wait till the second date to have sex, honor your needs.

This is not selfish or unempathetic btw, it's just being empathetic to yourself and the parts of you that are outside your conscious control.

A confident, secure girl will be doing the same thing btw, and if there is any disagreement you're an excellent communicator so it should be fairly easy to find a healthy compromise.


You are enough, and you are capable of getting yourself what you need.

Now it's just a question of screening for and spending your time with girls that are excited to give you exactly that, and then telling them exactly what that is.

You're an incredible guy, so trust me, there are plenty of them out there.


*And here's why self-empathy and trying just as hard to give ourselves what we need as we do for her is so important*
https://youtu.be/KbTFJHKVDoM


And thanks for the yoga flow reminder:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=55132&sid=21a2f69bd42b078de820d0d7a6ee9688#p55132

I just started doing free yoga classes daily through the Veterans Yoga Project and am loving it, so I'll definitely start doing yours now as well.


Last thing, thanks for the awesome year two write up. Your summaries of what you've learned are some of the best around, I'd say even giving pancakemouse a run for his money.

This community is extremely fortunate to have men like the two of you sharing your lessons and wisdom in such an expert way.

I'm grateful to you you both.
 
Bman thanks so much for your always solid insights and advice. I really love when you drop a lot of the nitty gritty details here -- I don't know if you feel it's too much or oversharing, but I appreciate it. Although I am clearly biased, I would easily give you the title as the most valuable contributor here -- and I think that is a testament to how intentional and different you are as well as how I appreciate and relate best to your difference (no shade at all to anyone else -- I love seeing how everyone differently achieves their kickassery here).

You are truly inspiring, and I am going to take more time absorb your info. I say all this to selfishly -- please continue contributing here so that I and others can continue growing. Look forward to reading more and seeing your journey unfold

~ Kyle
 
AskTheDom & Manly Cockfellow, thank you guys. I always appreciate your encouragement and wise words.

Manly, appreciate the resource on IFS. I'm actually starting to get into the Ideal Parent Protocol to help rewire my attachment styles to be more secure. I'll report back how it goes. Agreed on being ready to take more risks.

komeback_kile, thank you for that. It's really appreciated to hear that feedback and that it's helping others.

komeback_kile said:
I don't know if you feel it's too much or oversharing
Click to expand...

Oh it definitely is. Overthinking sometimes, too. I do it here for a few reasons:
  • Helps me own it more. Think Eminem in 8 Mile when he's rapping against Papa Doc.
  • Shows others, especially the lurkers, it does not matter your limitations. I've got some shit rattling around in my head. I'm not a chad. Who cares. We all have some limitation. Play the cards you're dealt. You can still win even with a shitty hand.
  • Shows others how to apply these concepts. It's one thing to say something like "be more masculine" and another to say "here's how I learned this, here's how I changed it for me, here's all the shit I came up against as I did it, here's how I overcame that, and here's the results you may expect in doing it"
  • Education is part of my greater mission. No matter the form that takes. If there are hungry mouths for it, I will feed them.
 
Bman said:
I'm actually starting to get into the Ideal Parent Protocol to help rewire my attachment styles to be more secure. I'll report back how it goes.
Click to expand...

Love it!

If you like the ideal parent protocol, you'll probably love, and be well prepared for IFS (it's all about you becoming the parent to your overwhelmed and wounded parts that are stuck in the past, usually due to trauma, including attachment trauma)

And maybe you've heard of it, but a great book on trauma and attachment issues, and on treatments for them like IFS, is The Body Keeps the Score
 
Stellar man.

So much in 1 year!

This is what a guy who is earnestly trying looks like. Tons of results and lessons. Proving tons of things to himself. Gaining confidence.

Anybody new, lurkers or casual readers should take a note of this. A lot can happen in 1 year.

Looking forward to the next adventure man.
 
Holden said:
What helps for me (and I know how juvenile it sounds) is sticking it in when I'm barely hard, mentally thinking "ok I got the lay" and then I can eventually relax lol.

The old trick of blindfolding the girl also works.
Click to expand...
Lol I guess I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Great trick
 
Small Update: Starting Year 3

Back from the men's group retreat this week. If you don't have a group of guys you regularly meet with, I would highly recommend you get some. It's become a cornerstone of our life. We have been doing this for many years now and it's certainly a highlight. Lot's of great reflection, feedback, and intentions set for this year.

To begin the intentions I set from my review above, my Feel'd subscription has been cancelled and Tinder is set to go up soon. Means the only leads coming from those will be once in a blue moon.

Of course I always have social game. Speaking of which, I tried setting a date with the rope bunny from the event I spoke about earlier, but her son got sick so we had to reschedule. Told her I'd hit her up after my retreat. Texted her today and date is set for tomorrow. No hassle at all. Good sign she might drop the princess attitude. Also a small reason I like social game, you're more real to her and it's easier to set a date further out or after a trip.

Regardless, I'm setting myself up for approaching again. Took mental stock of the areas near me that are ok for daygame. Austin has pretty low foot traffic and its getting colder here, but you work with what you got.

Had Politics Girl over Sunday after the retreat. We had an excellent time, fucked her twice, and took her into subspace (basically flooding her brain with neurochemicals making her euphoric, floaty, loss of words, hard to move and talk). Also mixed in a lot of dirty/sexual talk with emotional talk during sex. She's still texting me 2 days later thanking me.

Spiritual Girl will be over Thursday. Going to inquire about doing a threesome with her and one of her lady friends. Politics Girl is not up for FMF, so that's out.

Also started the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol on Sunday. First time I did it I burst into tears, big alligator tears, halfway through. The rewiring continues.

Today I start a cut cycle. I can still see my abs, but I don't get comments on them as much. So time to trim just a bit.

All in all, still moving along.

Oh! And Happy Halloween!
 
Bman said:
Also started the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol on Sunday. First time I did it I burst into tears, big alligator tears, halfway through. The rewiring continues.
Click to expand...

Yo thanks for sharing this. Looks interesting - I used to have a very anxious/avoidant attachment style, maybe even disorganized... now after a lot of internal work I tend to be secure with bouts of anxious attachment. Still want to check this out though, looks powerful from a quick perusal.
 
Had my date with the Rope Bunny. She was actually very pleasant and sweet. But I was just waaay too chill this evening. I was kind of bored, and didn't feel like going through the motions. I let her talk mostly, and when she'd stop, sometimes I just wanted to sit in the silence. She has ADHD so it made her a little uncomfortable.

I probed about kinks, sexual experiences, and so on. I knew she had a kid so I probed about her logistics for the evening before pitching a pull, which it sounded like she would need to get home to. But if we had that wanting to rip each other's clothes off feeling, probably wouldn't have mattered. I actually had the perfect window when she said it was cold and she forgot a jacket to pitch the pull for warming up at my place. Instead I let her wear my leather jacket, finished out the date and told her I'd like to see her again at the end.

I don't know, I just felt off today. She's very attractive and wore some hot leather pants and a cute low cut sweater. But I wasn't like dying to bring her home. Politics Girl was over earlier in the week and Spiritual Girl comes over tomorrow so it was not like I was hungry either.

Anyways, it wasn't platonic but it wasn't like I was bringing a whole lot of sexual energy today. I won't be surprised if I get the not feeling it text. And also not really worried about it. Open for another date or not.
 
Call me Machiavellian, but becoming a leader in a community and leveraging girls to get other girls interested in you is the juice.

So I did the standard "I had fun" text and seed a second date with the Rope Bunny. She was receptive. Turns out though she was going to be headed to a munch I attend regularly, so "maybe we'd see each other there". I checked the guest list and seen a couple orbiters of mine and few attractive women. Figured it would be a soup of preselection, especially since I could be seen with one of the hotter girls there, Rope Bunny.

Went to the munch and was immediately greeted with a big hug and smile from a girl I had a great date with last November. We did not end up hooking up then. She was there with her play partner this evening, but she focused on me for a while, then introduced me to her attractive friend. I conversed with her really shortly before going over to Rope Bunny and being greeted with an intimate hug. She was also talking with a guy I knew, so the guy also gave me a hug and Rope Bunny commented "Of course you two know each other."

Was somewhat aloof with Rope Bunny as I chatted with the table. She got pulled into a conversation with November Girl, her partner, and her friend. A past play partner arrived, I hugged her, chatted a bit. Went over to the table with Rope Bunny and for a second time she gave me a hug. I talked and focused on her. She's even more soft and sweet than before. Yes, ok, I like this.

Funny thing happened, I was showing her pictures of the van build and she seen that I saved one of her pictures from FetLife in my camera reel. "You saved on of my pictures?!" Without hesitation I said, "Well yeahhh, I need something for the contact picture so I know who the hell I'm talking to" We laughed. She loved it. (Note to self: make some damn folders, B)

As we were chatting I could see November Girl's friend eyeballing me. The organizer came over to the group and said we were going to be gathering everyone up for a group discussion. We all started pulling chairs up. As we did so, Rope Bunny in her regular attention seeking fashion chose to sit, submissively, on the ground, in the center. Before I go to sit, enter in Orbiter 2 who has a great rack and pretty face, redhead, but thicker than I like. We hug and converse briefly. I explain the color code for name tags and that I was wearing a blue one, which means people are free to touch you however they would like, I'll let them know if its a problem.

Then I sit with my chair right behind Rope Bunny, so everyone can see who she's with. November Girl's friend is sitting next to me, so I open her, chat, exchange Fets. She was actually a Pro Domme in NY, but also a switch. We'll see where that goes. Couple other people I know come up to me to say hello.

We start in a big group circle for the discussion, share names, and the break into 2 smaller groups which required moving chair around. Again, Rope Bunny sitting on the ground in front of my chair. But now Orbiter 2 sits next to me. The smaller discussion starts and we're sharing what we are grateful for in kink, being that Thanksgiving is around the corner. Orbiter 2 speaks up and says she is "grateful for leaders like Brandon..." Other people were sharing and she noticed our legs were touching. She asked if it was ok. I told her it was totally fine, remember the blue tag. She then proceeds to rub my leg, back, and caress my arm, while we are in the circle and people are still sharing, and Rope Bunny sitting right in front of me.

Discussion breaks. Rope Bunny chats with someone, that I also happen to know well, and I chat with Orbiter 2 about the play party at the private residence we all did orientation at to gain intel about the quality of the party. We finish, and I butt into Rope Bunny's convo and now she is very intimate. Event starts wrapping and Rope Bunny wants to walk out with me, we make out outside and set plans for next week. Why no pull? Aside from being in another part of town, it's been fun to choose to keep building the tension with her.

---

Other news, Spiritual Girl was over yesterday. She was given an assignment to get us one of her very feminine girlfriends for a threesome. We'll see if that comes through. She was very excited about it though.

Date tomorrow with a new girl.

Sunday, Politics Girl will be over.

We'll see if anything becomes of November Girl's friend, too.

I fucking love my life.
 
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