colgate gets better - week 4: APPROACH II 🗣️

[colgate / bulldog]

this log will be separate from my main log in that i will systematize and log my actions towards a (dating) life of my dreams on this thread. the main log will be for stories and general updates.

i have private notes and have consulted with some others for what to focus on. there is a mountain of things that needs to be in place and get done and frankly it's too much information overload and is in constant flux. so it's basically useless to list out in grueling detail here

so i will have a "theme" every week, and revise the theme every sunday evening.



these first few weeks will be just getting general lifestyle management and habits in order.

I've found that days I have my day structure in place and sufficiently premeditate what I'm going to do are the days I get into a flow state and actually execute.

Although I have been regularly approaching for the past 2-ish months (I've done around 300ish approaches since I bounced out of the AA program), the times I go out to approach are very erratic, and also my mood has been extremely erratic as well.

I've found not having good lifestyle management means executing anything is basically impossible.



Here's the general life structure I want to eventually aim for

23:00 - chill -> fall asleep
06:30 - wake up -> read (?) -> go to the office
15:00 - leave the office -> go approach (2-4 hours)

then i will spend the evening BANGING CHICKS!!! (eventually), going to boxing practice, watching japanese drama, or reading books. this is still TBD

I want to tackle these one at a time to really solidify the habits. I'll try to avoid overplanning and only go one week at a time. The next week's focus will become evident when next week comes.

And of course, I'll be using the accountability thread to ensure the execution



Week 1: Go to the office
I don't actually have to go to the office at all. But I found that going to the office normalizes my day, basically guarantees that I end up approaching on my way home, and I get some normal ass social interaction.

This week, I will go to the office every day, with the intention of doing this permanently.

 

[colgate / bulldog]

gonna sandwich method my days

monday 6/3
good thing: went to the office
thing to work on: wake up early so you can leave early! i woke up at 9:30. wake up at 6 or 7 so you can leave at like 3-4pm
good thing: went to boxing at the end of the day

 

[MakingAComeback]

YELLOW PILL

 

[colgate / bulldog]

tuesday 6/4
good: carried on with my day and didn't let initial setbacks ruin the rest of it. got a good amount of work done, general house errands, and a few approaches before meeting up with lacroix

thing to work on: i stayed up all night. didn't immediately lock my computer and phone after boxing and hooked myself into youtube videos and other random nonsense. ended up not going to the office

good: banged my gf within 5 mins of arriving at her place! looks like things were handled well. will explain on main log at some point. but i had spent time walking around and mentally preparing myself to be ok with completely losing her. i think that's why my behavior didn't change when i finally met up with her tonight after that couple swap last month.

 

[MakingAComeback]

You have to simply be better with making tech use non negotiable at a cut off time

Tech use is absolutely garbage and just like smoking or doing crack

It is holding you back from level 10

So what do we do about that?

And how can we ensure you’re doing the correct fix daily?

All of these layers matter and they have to be FIXED one by one if you are to become a elite

So just fix them one by one, you will have far better outcomes in 6 months

I did this with drinking and went teetotal, and with sleep and get to bed at grandad times and have for ages now

And am doing it with mindset work and yellow pill lol

Ravi

 

[lacroix]

As you know I struggle with tech addiction too. Something I'm focusing on is, instead of focusing on "taking away" tech time, focus on what I'm adding in. When I don't plan things out I end up doing the easiest/most immediately gratifying thing.

For example, the past few days, when I woke up. I would get up and mindlessly scroll Youtube. But last night I wrote down in my little notebook
1. WAKE UP
2. GO TO BOOK STORE (ended up not finding it)

And I did exactly that. And now I just planned for tomorrow.

I think you could benefit from having an entire week where you completely plan your evening activities in advance the prior day, or right before you leave the office each day.

 

[MakingAComeback]

YELLOW PILL US TODAY BROWN SHOGUN

 

[MakingAComeback]

WHERE YOU AT BROWN MAN @colgate / bulldog

 

[colgate / bulldog]

Week 1 Recap
I stopped posting here after 2 days because I was too ashamed to post. I couldn't think of two good things I did on some days.

That's okay. I'll move on.

I only went to the office one day last week. While I do want to go, I'm not sure if it's the specific thing to focus on.

I got lots of work done. I'm very good at my job and enjoy it to the point that it's addicting. I had already gotten my first project done weeks ahead of schedule and I'm already careening through my bonus project. Like I'm basically running out of things to do, fast.

I think I have used work as a crutch to avoid other issues in my life.

I developed apathy and indifference towards dating. I know that's a reaction to being highly sensitive to negativity.

Which leads me to the theme for this week...


Week 2: Consistency
When I was in elementary school, I almost always placed last or near the bottom of nearly every metric in physical fitness. Slowest mile time, can't even do a pushup, have almost no reach. I opted out of playing sports with other kids because I was just bad at everything, and found more joy in watching everyone else play, commentating to myself.

I believed that everyone who had ability in something was naturally born that way, and there wasn't anything you could do about it.

When I signed up for beginner band class in middle school, I could not make a sound on a single instrument's mouthpiece, except for the trombone. But I was also probably 4ft9in tall and I couldn't even reach the farther slide positions on the instrument. Nonetheless, I chose to learn the trombone.

Everyone was a zero beginner. But I almost consistently was getting last or nearly the last chair. The few times I managed to place higher than another student, I would revel in it as much as possible. There were times I reveled so hard, my classmate dented my trombone's bell with his slide multiple times.

I felt and feel so much helplessness. Helplessness in that people are just good at things. Helplessness that everyone except for me enjoys life and enjoys various activities. And I am just stuck at the bottom of the barrel. I can't freely express myself due to lack of aptitude and skill. All I can do is make my presence as small as possible and avoid contact with people. Why can't I just also magically have competence?

The above anecdotes and energy encoded one of the first and baseline programs of my mind. The program of "it's unfair that everyone else is just good at things and you are not. you deserve to also be up there too! you are entitled to having what everyone else also has."

Later in life, a contradictory program had started to seep in my mind. My first contact with this contradictory program was when I took an aquatic recreation class in high school. I did not know how to swim. After being taught the basics of the front crawl, the teacher timed everyone's 100 yard swim time. My first go with the 100 yard freestyle was 4 minutes and 30 seconds.

For some reason, and for the first time perhaps, I think I decided to enjoy the class anyway. I would try as hard as possible during lap swimming practice, and enjoy all the pool games. I mean, what else was I going to do?

At the end of the semester, my 100 yard time was 1 minute 30 seconds. 15 years old and 92 lbs. Although 1:30 for 100 yards is nothing impressive for serious swimmers, the swimming instructor recommended me to join the swim team due to my rapid improvement and dedication.

The contradictory program is that "showing up and consistency beats talent and aptitude". We can become skilled and enjoy activities we have "no business" doing, by just consistently enjoying the activity for the sake of it, and seeing how we can be better.

Over the subsequent 10 years, I picked up many skills to varying degrees of competence and starting points. I was also able to recognize some skills where I did indeed have initial "high aptitude" (I seem to completely ignore and disregard the fact that I am extremely good with computers and can basically manipulate them to my will). But more importantly, some of the skills I did gain a degree of competence and enjoyment in were things I had the "odds stacked against me" (learning Japanese in my 20s as a monolingual, lifting/physical fitness). On the note of lifting, I wonder if my 7 year old self even perceived a future where certain girls would be calling my 27 year old body "hot..."

In certain aspects, I have indeed transcended the small, helpless, and solipsistic child. But unfortunately, the initial helplessness program still remains in the deep recesses of my mind. It was engraved much earlier in my life than the powerful improvement mindset program. Even with things myself and others would consider me competent in, there is a sense of having "brickwalled" at them.

Here's something I wrote three years ago in a private notepad:

So the actionable step the intermediate must make to progress is to embrace his "shit pieces", and continue creating at a high volume. This will allow him to continue to progress and hone his skills like he was able to when he was a beginner. The beginner doesn't see creating a "shit piece" as a failure because he is just having fun and enjoying the process (even if he says that "this piece sucks", he's still having fun creating at a high volume), and eventually through repeated practice, he makes some pieces that he likes and forms a sense of "standards". For the intermediate to continue the trajectory of improvement, the intermediate MUST embrace his "shit pieces" and continue creating.

I now realize that I'm overly sensitive to "negative feedback" and it is one of my worst fears. To the point that I become a victim of it when I attempt to be consistent at things. When I lose "enjoyment" or I don't "feel like it", I simply avoid and quit. Even if the path of improvement and mastery has been revealed to me and been open for over 10 years now, the path of helplessness and avoidance has been around for 20.

This, I seek to erase and rewrite. There are a lot of things from that era of my life I seek to rewrite. It's called brain"wash" for a reason.

I opened up communication with my mom again yesterday, after around 2 years of ignoring her again. She is no longer the overzealous tyrannical cult devotee hellbent on suffocating and caging my growth. I am no longer the helpless child stifled by my supposedly inferior existence and restrictive mother and female adults. Those two beings are long gone and dead. My mom is a being giving unconditional love to me regardless of how I choose to live my life, and has found an environment where she can live in tranquility and safety. I am a free man, living in the land of anime catgirls with a hot gf with big juicy titties and on the same wavelength as I am.

For the next week, I will post every day, at the end of the day, two good things and one thing to work on.

 

[colgate / bulldog]

monday 6/10
good thing 1: went out to approach and met @Perseus. have not approached in around a week, but did around 5. spotted lots of chicks for perseus and he approached too (more than I did lol)

thing to work on: i need to do more solo sessions. winging usually just turns into me chilling with the bros. which is fine and all for chilling with the bros but need to do more solo game

good thing 2: went to boxing at the end of the day

 

[colgate / bulldog]

tuesday 6/11
good thing 1: i went to the onsen and love for my mother cured a sudden spasm of sickness i faced today

thing to work on: i did not go out to approach after the onsen and watched videos on my phone for 5 hours. this also made me skip boxing

good thing 2: in lieu of boxing, i went for a 6km run



yesterday i realized i did not want to approach i was not ok with EVERY GIRL rejecting me.

getting rejected by one or ten girls is not a huge deal if you can have it in your head that on the x approach i'll get a girl who exchanges and shows up for a date (or is down to instadate). however, since i have yet to fuck a girl from daygame, a feeling that paralyzes me occasionally is ok but WHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was a feeling i had. i told myself i should actually be ok with every girl rejecting me if i want to be free. everytime i have genuinely been ok with losing it all, that's when the universe rewards me. i have stories of that. walking out of a date who was extremely closed off with a few days later having 2 pulls and fooling around with very hot chicks. even recently going in to seeing my gf who supposedly "friendzoned" me, i had mentally prepared myself for it to be the last time i see her and walk out if she "really" wanted to not bang. she greeted me with a slutty crop top, had brought her bed downstairs from her loft, had the lotion right next to her bed, and we were fucking in 5 minutes of me entering the house.

i have to be okay with losing it all, every time.

this afternoon i felt intense sickness. i was convulsing, had no appetite, and curled up in my bed, tightly wound. my body temperature soared, as if i had a fever. it was too painful to even sleep it out.

i rarely get sick, and this wasn't a sickness where i was blowing my nose obsessively. i associated this debilitated state with me having mentally let go of "getting rejected by every girl" the previous evening. i was being exorcised of this mind virus, my frontal cortex perhaps performing autophagy.

i mustered up my energy and headed to the onsen. did my usual onsen and sauna protocol. on the way, my body was violently shaking as if i had parkinson's disease. somehow staying still made it worse, so i kept pacing and standing in the train.

after the sauna session (i only did 5 minutes at 100C as opposed to my usual 9 minutes), at first i felt complete hopelessness and thought it was over for me. that i have an inability to accomplish anything in life and be fulfilled because i cannot stay consistent and endure. that my extreme sensitivity to negativity cannot be weakened. that it is fixed. this kind of thinking pattern usually leads to thoughts of suicide.

a few minutes later, i felt intense love for my mother. in the past, i would have felt extreme bitterness and cursed her for ruining my childhood. however, i had let go of such toxicity in myself a few days ago. suddenly i felt high from the gratitude. true love needs no reason, it's unconditional. it wasn't a "clingy" type of infatuation, rather the power of love loosened my body and face, and i no longer "felt" sick.

i went home exhausted, and i still have a little bit of a mild headache. this will be an ongoing process.


i didn't really hold myself accountable to approach so basically i have to do that. and let the issues come out. BRING IT PUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!

the thing is it's impossible to even be aware of these feelings without Doing The Thing that makes them rise up in the first place. so at this point, i need to go out on the streets. even if the pipe dream of banging one of them is cruelly obstructed by this impermeable wall of mis-wiring and internal defects. actively chipping at the wall is all i can do. i don't have anything else in life. there's nothing else i care about.

the one difference i have here in japan as opposed to america is i do not plan on moving cities anytime soon. i love tokyo and this is my new home. i think i was moving between cities too much in america and basically this happened:

 

[colgate / bulldog]

by the way, i have always had lots of darkness inside of me, but i repress it. to the point where i do not have a physical ability to cry. my default behavior when faced with negativity is to pretend it doesn't affect me, and i bottle it up into shame. i think if i really let go, much more compressed darkness will start to ooze and perhaps even eventually explode.

i think this needs to happen. i am okay with this log becoming overly negative and intense going forward. if anything, i'm probably only letting out 20% of what i have inside, out of inability to let go of myself.

i think physically this manifests into me being very tense. my muscles are ROCK HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and getting loose with it in boxing is a challenge. i wonder if this is related to my above extreme self-repression...

 

[MakingAComeback]

by the way, i have always had lots of darkness inside of me, but i repress it. to the point where i do not have a physical ability to cry. my default behavior when faced with negativity is to pretend it doesn't affect me, and i bottle it up into shame. i think if i really let go, much more compressed darkness will start to ooze and perhaps even eventually explode.

i think this needs to happen. i am okay with this log becoming overly negative and intense going forward. if anything, i'm probably only letting out 20% of what i have inside, out of inability to let go of myself.

i think physically this manifests into me being very tense. my muscles are ROCK HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and getting loose with it in boxing is a challenge. i wonder if this is related to my above extreme self-repression...

Several of us have picked up on this and spoken about it at various points

And the fact you've now picked up on that, shows just how far you've come

And why you are destined for GREATNESS

KEEP WORKING KING


-Ravi

 

[lacroix]

Wherever your spiritual journey takes you, I support you 100%.

 

[colgate / bulldog]

wednesday 6/12
good thing 1: did 10 solo approaches today

thing to work on: letting go of negative feelings towards japanese girls, girls in general, and finding ways to get into "peak state" SPECIFICALLY for approach sessions (this is uncharted territory for probably most people here!)

good thing 2: went to boxing afterwards



i did my 10 approaches today. i wanted to do it earlier in the day so i'd have more time to hang out with @Perseus, but i had only done one approach in the afternoon after some slight procrastinating after a work meeting.

after my final work meeting, i went out again and walked around without talking to any girls. @Perseus claims to have done zero approaches before I showed up, but he actually approached me in the station! i showed him date spots and the love hotels and then we split off so i could finish my solo approaches.

the remaining 9 took me around an hour and a half. i noticed i was intentionally ejecting from sets that were hooking or even receptive on the surface. i had about 3 of those. i was shocked that any sets even entertained talking to me in my gloom and doom mode.

not that my "technical skill" in pickup is any good (especially in japan), but approaching isn't one of those things where you can just gnash your teeth down and grind harder. you can do that in most physical exercises and even some mental ones.



i think it's more like making music. you're not going to be able to pump out bangers every time you sit down to write. and the creative flow is arguably random. there are some skilled musicians who have even figured out how to control and harness creative energy, but honestly i never reached that level myself, my ability to write good music was always spontaneous.

if i go through my history of music composition and production, even there i had waves of writing a bunch of fucking awesome songs and other waves of writing total trash. i remember there was one period around 2017 where i had some degree of "objective skill" to write good music, but when it was time to actually write some stuff, i could only produce utter garbage. another time i had directed an album, the songs were awesome and it came to fruition. the next time i directed an album of the same concept, most of the music was just total garbage and we never released it.

it's not like my "skill level" at music actually got worse or anything, just...this "creativeness" and ability to make something "good" ebbs and flows. and for all the songs i have released, i probably have 20 or 30 unfinished project files never heard by anyone in the world except for me.

i don't know exactly where i'm going with this music analogy and these personal anecdotes, but i'm sensing approaching is in the same ballpark. you are trying to create dynamic and captivating social and sexual experiences for yourself and the girl. there are so many little variables that have to be in "the right place" for this to even work. especially to get your vibe right. and especially to get the right vibe with few reference experiences to go off of (thank god i have any reference experiences).

i shelved those thoughts for later and finished my approaches. met up with @Perseus to spot some chicks for him and hang out.



fortunately i am also pursuing another activity i have arguably negative aptitude in, and that's boxing. i don't write much about boxing, but i have been going at least 2-3 times a week, though that needs to be upped to like 4-5.

i mention boxing because i still suck total ass at it. and actually here too, there are parallels to approaching.

there is all this technical shit to learn way ahead of me, and don't even get me started on mass boxing, let alone actually sparring other dudes.

the ONE BIG THING that's holding me back from progressing in boxing right now is my trash cardio. i still get gassed after two 3 minute rounds with the trainers. i did run 6km yesterday, but that took me like 40-45 minutes, and with solo running, i will unintentionally slow down. trainers WILL push you beyond what you would normally do, even "trying to push yourself".

the cardio thing would be a lot better if i went to the boxing gym more times per week and/or did some form of sustained and intense cardio regularly.

the point i'm trying to make here is, in order for me to make significant progress with boxing, i have to fix my cardio. yes, go to the boxing gym and stay consistent too so i have a benchmark. but until i stop getting gassed after barely 2 or 3 rounds, progress on most technical aspects of boxing will be slow. and actually developing a fighter's mindset will be basically zero.

despite the above, not ONCE have i ever sat around during my sessions like "fuck why do all these dudes get to spar and actually engage in real boxing. something is completely defective inside of me that the trainers do not see me fit to spar. i mean they're right, i'd just lose anyway, basically instantly"



the point here is that i SHOULD just be going out and doing some amount of approaching every day and handling the equivalent of "trash cardio" for approaching. 10 approaches everyday seems reasonable enough. every negative emotion and every mental blockage just needs to be piped out and cleared out. and i don't see any other way. the approaching itself brings them to the forefront, and then later i can go and dissect and introspect on those thoughts i had.

and while "getting laid" would be an ultimate goal, it's far too distant and abstract for me to directly keep in mind at this point. turning approaching into a routine action and enjoying the act of socializing with people in general is the prerequisite here.

 

[MakingAComeback]

The king is back,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[Perseus]

@Perseus claims to have done zero approaches before I showed up, but he actually approached me in the station!

you are trying to create dynamic and captivating social and sexual experiences for yourself and the girl. there are so many little variables that have to be in "the right place" for this to even work.

Yeah I get a sense of what you mean. How I see it is that all of this stuff is learning the skills to create the “art” (its called pua for a reason). Then once you are fluent in the skills and they dont take much mental effort anymore, you can focus on creating something beautiful with it (sex/relationship). What comes out of it is still dependent on a multitude of external and internal factors and though you can increase your control over it by increasing your skills, you will never have 100% control over it. I think this randomness can best be seen as a fun element of surprise.

 

[Adrizzle]

by the way, i have always had lots of darkness inside of me, but i repress it. to the point where i do not have a physical ability to cry. my default behavior when faced with negativity is to pretend it doesn't affect me, and i bottle it up into shame. i think if i really let go, much more compressed darkness will start to ooze and perhaps even eventually explode.

I feel this too. And I can assure you that you will not explode if you let go.

Godspeed brah

 

[colgate / bulldog]

good thing 1: i did go out and did one approach

thing to work on: consistent day structures, ESPECIALLY sleep. the rest of the day tends to align when i get a consistent sleep+wake routine nailed down, and my best periods have been when this happened. i did not sleep until 3:50am last night because i was on this dang computer, until i snapped to my senses. only got 4 hours of sleep because i had a meeting at 9:00am, then decided to nap for another 3 hours and THEN start work....but instead of starting work i did 2 more hours of browsing. here is where my soul and energy is getting destroyed.

good thing 2: went to boxing practice


10 approaches is too high of a bar for me right now. yesterday i was willfully ejecting out of sets that didn't blow out. and with what's going on right now, i almost in good faith can't actually go out there and subject 10 girls to some guy with this emanating dark aura and grind my way through 10 seconds of interaction.

though at least one approach means i can push the head issues forefront and reflect on them. i'll do that.

another thing that the japan game group pushes is "peak state". get into a social mood before approaching. they have yet to systematize and outline this process (they leave this up to the individual to figure out what gets them in peak state). i'll spare details on my experimenting with this, but i was recommended a book called "super consciousness" by colin wilson.



here's the big thing though. THE ENTIRE WORLD is supporting me. at least my world is. @lacroix has been giving lots of encouragement in dms. the leader of the japan game group got some japanese chick to tell me "hi! u have to approach-uuuuuuuu" over a video. hell, even guys at the boxing gym are like "did you succeed today??? yo this guy approaches 15 girls everyday! what you did a 4p??? damn you should help this guy, he's only done a 1p..." (i didn't tell them that i approach 15 girls a day specifically, i just mentioned once or twice that i do nampa lol. now suddenly a lot of dudes talk to me and i really want to be able to back it up!!!). and of course, you guys on the forums have supported me the whole time.

THE NUMBER ONE ENEMY is MY OWN FUCKIN HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have not dominated and controlled this motherfucking ball of neurons floating in here. i'm realizing how overly sensitive i am in general. here's a message i sent to @lacroix earlier today:
"a pattern i am recognizing in myself, especially when talking with you, is that i exaggerate and am overly sensitive to negative outcomes that happen to me, while projecting that every other person has little pain and gets mostly positive outcomes"

the reality is that i overestimate my own effort and underestimate everyone else's effort. but only my prefrontal cortex is aware of this. my limbic brain is only aware of my own pain and no one else's, therefore "everyone else puts in the bare minimum effort and just automatically gets what they want. i put in a million times more effort and try so much harder, yet i get nothing". this programming results in consistently underperforming and not trying hard enough in real life.

lol i feel like i have some mild form of multiple personality disorder. i feel like i've only actually lived a third or less of my actual life, while some zombie autopilot entity has had his hands behind the wheel for the rest of it.



anyway i wrote down my day structure in a google keep note like i used to. i don't lack the knowledge to live an elite life, i lack the execution. this day structure thing may turn into my theme for next week, but we'll see.

 

[lacroix]

10 approaches is too high of a bar for me right now. yesterday i was willfully ejecting out of sets that didn't blow out. and with what's going on right now, i almost in good faith can't actually go out there and subject 10 girls to some guy with this emanating dark aura and grind my way through 10 seconds of interaction.

I totally understand wanting to set a goal that you consider reasonable and not get discouraged. Just keep in mind that unless you're getting 2-3 contacts a day it's going to be really tough to see consistent results, so if you are getting less than that you should expect the approaches to be for approaches sake.

subject 10 girls to some guy with this emanating dark aura and grind my way through 10 seconds of interaction.

If you truly believe that your approaches are making girls' lives worse, then there's no way you're gonna be able to keep it up. You're a young man who wants to build connections with women, it's the most natural thing in the world. And you're going to try to leave the girls better off, even if it's really hard. People appreciate when you try, even if it's really tough. You can even be totally congruent on approach: "today was so friggin tough, I had so much shit on my mind, I'm out here on a walk to clear my head. But anyway...you look like you're in a good mood today! What's going on?"

another thing that the japan game group pushes is "peak state".

State is good but chasing state can very easily turn into an excuse to avoid approaching when you don't feel like it. Often my state doesn't "peak" until midway through session.

here's the big thing though. THE ENTIRE WORLD is supporting me. at least my world is. @lacroix has been giving lots of encouragement in dms. the leader of the japan game group got some japanese chick to tell me "hi! u have to approach-uuuuuuuu" over a video. hell, even guys at the boxing gym are like "did you succeed today??? yo this guy approaches 15 girls everyday! what you did a 4p??? damn you should help this guy, he's only done a 1p..." (i didn't tell them that i approach 15 girls a day specifically, i just mentioned once or twice that i do nampa lol. now suddenly a lot of dudes talk to me and i really want to be able to back it up!!!). and of course, you guys on the forums have supported me the whole time.

A lot of people want to see you succeed, but I'm worried if you focus too much on this you'll now have the extra pressure of feeling like now you'll let people down if you don't achieve XYZ whatever it is. People are gonna offer you advice because they want you to reach your goals, but at the end of the day the journey is yours, and you're gonna make progress at whatever rate you personally are going to make progress, and whatever that looks like and how long it takes. And that's 100% OK.

THE NUMBER ONE ENEMY is MY OWN FUCKIN HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

True for basically 98% of people. The information on how to be in shape, wealthy, and have an awesome dating life is already out there. It's just doing it is very difficult for most people. Take comfort in the fact that most people (myself included) struggle with the exact same things, and that most people give up, but you and I haven't.

the reality is that i overestimate my own effort and underestimate everyone else's effort. but only my prefrontal cortex is aware of this. my limbic brain is only aware of my own pain and no one else's, therefore "everyone else puts in the bare minimum effort and just automatically gets what they want. i put in a million times more effort and try so much harder, yet i get nothing". this programming results in consistently underperforming and not trying hard enough in real life.

If you want to ensure results you have to keep yourself accountable for a certain level of output (work backwards from your desired lay count and your known ratios if you really want to do this). But view it as a tool to help you, not a lash to beat yourself up with.