I told my parents about my last five sexual partners (February social freedom challenge)
I call my parents like every couple of weeks. This time I proposed seeing each other via video call, because I wanted to see their facial expressions. We started off the conversation just regularly about everyday stuff.
Then at some point I brought up the topic. I prefaced it by saying something like:
- We have an good and honest relationship and there is one taboo topic
- I have spend my last year and also this focusing on my sex and relationship life. Since this is such a big part of my current life, I want to give you a look into it
- Doing this is scary for me
Then I dropped the bomb and told them that that is why I want to tell them about the last five women I have slept with.
They were listening with pretty neutral facial reactions, but a bit of a surprised look.
Then I told them about the first girl (the furthest back of the five). About each of them, I mentioned: Name, age, how I met them, how long I slept with them in what form of relationship (all FWB), and whether I‘m still in contact with them. I also mentioned if the girls developed emotions for me.
After the first girl I asked them whether they wanted to say something and that I didn't want to give them a 20 min monologue. They asked like whether I wanted to know their opinion. I said yeah that or any reaction or questions. My mom asked why I didn't want a relationship.
The rest of the conversation consisted of interwoven aspects of three areas
- me giving my motivations to this journey of casual sex
- me continuing to tell them about the five girls
- them giving me their opinions and advice
My motivations
- avoiding dependence upon one girl because of a lack of options
- I admitted upon them asking that there is an aspect of protecting myself from getting hurt in the past. I told them about the two most painful experiences
- creating my own vision of a sex life because I lack a father figure in my family in that domain. This made me hesitate for a second but I actually told them. Like wtf I told my dad that he was an insufficient father figure, sheeeeet. I put it into context that I do have role models in them for a good long-term relationship but that neither my father nor one of my grandpas was any type of role model applicable for modern dating
- I told them that the relationship and honestly norms that have been taught and practiced in my family cannot be applied to the girls I meet. These girls usually have a different background and experiences and assign a different value to the relationship between us. I got burned multiple times by assuming they saw the girl saw the dynamic similarly as I and were as honest as I
- figuring out what kind of girl I‘d like to be with long term and that many of the ones I have been with don‘t fall into that category
- stats about how many couples are unhappy or cheat on each other. Told them that I had doubts whether I would ever get married
Their opinions and advice
- they could absolutely not wrap their hands around the fact that I was sleeping with 2 girls at the same time and that the girls knew about each other. Biggest mindfuck for them, especially my mom was flustered by it
- my mom told me she thinks that almost all girls are looking for a relationship and this will hurt them. She also says though that it‘s their own fault if they agree to this
- she said if I do not go into a committed relationship, then I will miss the chance for depth of a relationship
- my mom explained to me that the perspective of hers and my dad on their relationship is quite different from mine. She said my mindset is like „I should be happy and my partner should be happy, each individually“. She said that their understanding of a relationship is much more about servicing each other. Also their overall view of relationships is grounded in Christian religion, therefore they simply believe that humans have an inbuilt desire for a single partner and that this is the way it is supposed to be.
- my mom said I will be missing a sense of home
- my mom doubts that I will be getting happyness from this. She fears it will instead leave behind an inner vaccuum
- my dad said that without vulnerability there can be no depth. By not committing one protects oneself from being hurt, but one is also missing on depth. The vulnerability is the price you pay. And you can never know in advance whether you will get hurt
- my dad said concerning the marriage/long-term relationship part that it is incredibly valuable to have someone in the long-term to go through life with, especially when you get old. He said this is very important for mental health and that I will miss that if I don‘t have it
- my dad also suggested that it‘s difficult to interpret statistics on the relationship between relationships and happiness and that they can be misleading. I agreed.
- my mom said that I should abandon the idea of finding a very well fitting partner. She believes there is not „the one“ not even a small number of fitting partners. She told me that there is a book titled (translated from German) „love yourself and it does not matter who you marry“ and that she very much agrees.
It was a very constructive and non-hurtful conversation that lasted for about 50 min (the sex part). At the end we thanked each other, me to my parents for them taking it well and not figuratively chasing me out of the house and my parents thanked me for my openness. They told me that I can live my life as I want and that everyone has to make their own experiences. They said they are looking forward to see how I view this topic in 2, 4, 6 years.
I decided not to tell my grandparents, which was an option in this challenge. Why?
With my parents, telling them has the potential to change something for the positive in our relationship. It becomes more honest and in the mid-to-long term, this might improve the depth of the relationship. Also, I will be more able to unashamedly live my life without hiding a part of myself.
My grandparents (3 remaining) are all 82 or 83 years old and their health is rapidly declining. There is no mid-to-long term with them, so the prospect of them knowing is less fruitful.
Also, I was afraid it would absolutely destroy my grandparents worldview. My parents are DEEPLY conservative, it was quite the mindfuck for them. They were virgins until marriage (not kidding). But I think for my grandparents it would be another level.
With my grandparents, I was never really close (they lived in a different city) and also never felt the need to justify my life to them. So opening up deeply about this topic would be kind of random. In contrast, with my parents I talk about almost anything except sex. So bringing up this topic was sensible in the way our relationship works.
JUST DO IT
Anyways, don‘t let this keep you from doing it yourself, this might just be MY fear talking. Also, your relationship with your parents and grandparents might be entirely different from mine. Maybe you don‘t talk about anything with your parents. Well, then maybe this can be the start to you doing so. Give it a shot!
I was scared of doing this, this is normal. First, I postponed it towards the end of the month. Then I texted my mom suggesting a video call. Then, when she suggested the same day afternoon my mind went into flight mode for a second because I had expected to schedule it in the following days. I calmed down and decided to do it the same day. Nothing bad happened. Most of the horror scenarios that are in your head will actually not be that bad and most of them will not even occur. It's just your fear talking. JUST DO IT!
Good luck bros!
Replies
SamJ_ said:
I really like the concept although I think asking strangers for money is a no-go because it's potentially illegal and could get someone to call the cops on you.
In which country do you live? Begging is only illegal in very few countries and usually only under certain conditions (coercing others, organized begging, or such). Anyways, if it truly is illegal in your country, I suggest you skip that month should it ever win the vote.
september said:
OP, the telling your parents about who you've fucked and begging for money thing are kinda negative sum behavours. Ideally what we do in public gives value rather than taking it away.
Adrizzle said:
I think a few of the ideas in this thread have a negative slant which I’m not down for.
Manganiello said:
I just really don't want to divulge my sex life to my sweet conservative grandma
ninjaboynaru said:
Love the idea of social freedom, not so much burning down bridges with family and demonstrating a lack of social competence and restraint around them.
MILFandCookies said:
All for social freedom.
Not for being a dick. I also don't care for being weird for no reason.
To be clear, I mean actually being a dick. I don't mind pissing off fucktards who are extra sensitive.
I wanna do social freedom shit that's fun or has a point, not stupid shit like walking backwards and saying "bwah"
(...)
A few of the things on the list are good, but tbh I don't like 75% of it. No point, or it's just being a dick for no reason.
MILFandCookies said:
I don't see how this gives you more social freedom. It just makes you that weird uncle in the family.
I'm gonna bunch-reply to your posts because most of them contain a similar gist.
First off, objections like yours are the reason why I made this a vote. If a lot of people have fundamental objections to one of the options, it is unlikely that it will win the vote.
Second, be VERY MUCH AWARE, that your objections might just be rationalizations of your fear talking. If you have done the AA program or anything similar you will know that it is almost always just bullshit your mind makes up on the run as a defense mechanism so you do not confront your fears.
This is not to say that it can never be the case that your fear speaks the truth. As you can see in my post above I also decided that telling my grandparents about my past five sex partners was a bad idea, so I contemplate these questions as well. But you can also see from my example how telling your parents can work, even if they are super conservative. It isn't necessarily negative sum and it doesn't necessarily make you the creepy uncle.
Your family dynamics might be different, so it's up to you. But really, ask yourself this deeply, honestly, and repeatedly: Is it not mainly your irrational social fear talking?
Squilliam said:
The funny thing is that this would be easier for me than 90% of the suggestions.
Then do it.