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FredBurger CH 3-Conquers his fears;

BTW, don't worry about your "boring" log

Mine was that way for months.

Would you believe, my readers at the time told me I'd be lucky to lose my virginity within the first year, that's how much of a hard case I was!

I lost it within the first few months of The Phoenix Project, because I went all in.

I find all of these journies, fascinating, and I will circle back when I am finished with work for the day and help you out.

-MAC
 
MakingAComeback said:
Anxiety, has a solution bro.

I have a long series on anxiety recovery, on my channel. It's an old video but it's actually comprehensive.
Click to expand...

Thanks Mac, ill go through the YouTube archives and what them.


MakingAComeback said:
BTW, don't worry about your "boring" log

Mine was that way for months.

Would you believe, my readers at the time told me I'd be lucky to lose my virginity within the first year, that's how much of a hard case I was!

I lost it within the first few months of The Phoenix Project, because I went all in.

I find all of these journies, fascinating, and I will circle back when I am finished with work for the day and help you out.

-MAC
Click to expand...

I appreciate your story , it motivates me. I still feel a little bit bummed out over the recent circumstances. I need to find my, "why" to give myself the final push I need. I feel like its only a matter of time.
 
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I had to break my diet (Oct 12-15) for a extra two days to make sure I was able to pass the assessments in my new job and I went all the way to 261 lbs. However recently there was an event that motivated me to push myself harder then ever before. After writing my easy the other day it became clear and to summarize it I want to feel accepted, really fucking bad. I woke up the morning October 18 and weighed myself. I am already on a diet the keto diet and I am allowed to eat anything I want except carbs. On the morning of October 18th I was going to eat a pepperoni slice. As I put the pepperoni slice in my moth I felt a strong feeling in my chest, it was anger and a thought went through my mind saying "Fred, you don't want this". I suddenly spit out the pepperoni slice, I was astonished I didn't recognize myself, I dont typically reject easy access food. Where did this sudden burst of will power come from? I wonder. I didn't go to the mall like I said I was on oct 18th, but I did a few things to make sure my on-boarding to my new job would be smooth and successful. I wanted to finish all the tasks asap, to get started with work asap. I ate 2/3 of pounds of a cheese wheel that day a few pork grinds (5), a small piece of beef probably like 3 oz, and 2 scrambled eggs that day.

October 19th, my job starts soon, I want to take advantage of this low stress period. I woke up didn't do much during the morning, because I still felt really bad. I felt the feeling of loss. I went for a walk around the park as I listened to Andy's podcast on spoitfy while walking, his new episode 7 tips to get your goals(or something). I felt inspired after listening to this. I only watched half way because I only went walking for 30 minutes. However after listening to those 30 minutes I decided I was going to chase things that scared me, and I'm going to have fun doing it. Does saying hello to a group of strangers scare me? "Yes" Then that's the only reason I need to do it. Does asking a few questions to the cute girl at the gym with rude body language scare me, "Yes" Then I am going to do it. Eventually I'm going to ask a stranger for a dollar. I'm just going to go up to anyone and ask, "May I pretty please have a dollar 🥺" until someone gives me a dollar, because doing this terrifies me. I also spent 4.5 hours at the gym today, and I have only eaten 2 scrambled eggs with a piece of ham mixed in and like 10 cups of water. I also walked around the park again after gym cause its good for my heart. I weight myself and I was back down to 253.8lbs when only 90 hours ago I was about 261lbs.( now that I think of it the scale may have some dirt under it. I'm going to go clean the dirt and weight myself again)
My face when I saw this :eek::eek::eek:
Like what is going on right now. I still feel like pushing myself, and doing another cardio workout. I may have gone walking for a few hours and spent 4.5 hours at the gym, however I still feel like doing another workout. I feel a little sleepy but I still have energy to gift myself, and I already thought of a high intensity cardio exercise I want to do, I want to do running lines until I get to tired then I will stop, or idk maybe If I feel cute ill think of something else to do and keep going ( //inesrt eminem lyrics// here = "Til I collapse I'm spillin' these raps long as you feel 'em 'Til the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killin' 'em 'Cause when I am not, then I"). I am here writing this because I also wanted to do research on the phoenix project and watch some of Macs videos. But I think im just going to do a short workout first then reward myself by watching the videos.

Additional notes: on october 18th I found a private mirror that I used to see my back shirtless. And holy shit my back is ripped I got like muscle groves all over the place even though I am 250ish lbs. MFW :eek::eek::eek:
Additional additional notes: It scares me to type this, but Ive suffered from bad gyno the majority of my life and I am working on my upper chest to get rid of this inperfection. I have made a lot of progress and when I do cable flyes my pectorial muscles are clearly visible and they are big, but I still have a lot of work to do. I feel like my spiritual energy is manafesting fire and I need to keep going, and when I say I need to keep going, I mean I feel extremly motivated and I want to keep progressing so bad. My shoulders are also getting really big. I took a picture like a month ago ill include it here. I want to buy some shirts and cut the cuffs off so I can show off my shoulder muscles at the gym because I am proud of the. I am also able to do multiple chinups now where as for the majority of my life I was unable to and I had a recent breakthrough a few months ago. However I went overboard one day with chinups and I think some of my back muscles are really tight and in pain.

I need help with a question pls: My right back muscle Tres Major or Latssimus dorsi or Lats for short, are in a lot of pain when I do chin ups, what are some good stretches for this muscle because I dont know of any. If anyone knows the answer I would appreciate it.

Additional*3 notes: It also scares me to admit this. But I did a meditation and because I have some practice doing meditation I can focus a lot of mental energy on them and they can get very intense and energy draining. I did a loving and kindness meditation I think this will help me quit taking things so personal, and help me with anxiety. it is called the guided loving kindness meditation. In the first few minutes it told me I needed to give all the love that I was projecting to myself, and I began to cry for like a minute or two, because I felt as if I did not deserve all that love. But this just means I need to keep going, and try again. Now that I've admited all this anyone who reads this will know im an even bigger lose then I presented myself to be before. But its okay because I accept who I am and all my faults, I am perfect just the way I am. (it makes more sense the less a person thinks about my last statement.)

2sharefred.png
 
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I ate a little more today, I ate scrambled eggs in morning and chicken at night.

Every day I am neurotically checking my weight and I am slowly losing 0.2 lbs each time after workout. Something different happen today with my workout at the gym. There is a section where I do a superset of bent over single arm rows 60 lbs , dumbbell up right row 20lbs, and shoulder press 35lbs. Even though I have a lot of pain in my right lat right now and my left shoulder is internally bruised I did a superset with no breaks. After I finished the superset I felt like I could keep going so I added a body solider leg press 30 times each leg with 257 lbs. This is surprising to me because during this section of my workout I've never gone this hard. In addition to this I am on a calorie deficit and at this point of the day I had only eaten 257 calories and 10 carbs. So i think im getting will power or something but I don't know where its coming from.

Progress:I noticed fat chicks, ugly chicks and like chicks in there 30's with good bodies, but kinda already hit the wall are giving me like 100% more eye balls, but unfortunately there is a sign in front of my bedroom that says no fat chicks allowed. I cant argue with a sign its da rules. from my point of view this may a sign of progression. Every once in a while I will get a sign of intrigue from a cute woman though.

Every day it feels like a battle, like I am inching towards my goals, if I keep going eventually ill get a foot then a mile. I want to keep going. I listened to the audiobook cant hurt me by David goggins a year ago, and I remember him saying something along the lines "I don't care if I have to work ten times as hard just for a chance" that quote feels self relatable sometimes.

Cold approach; The TLDR version I did none; I went to Walmart today and I helped 2 people choose their brand of creatine, mainly because I was being extremely picky with the health products I wanted and I stayed there over analyzing everything. And two random people were asking me questions and I helped them. I noticed there was a ton of attractive women in Walmart today, but I approached none because I was kind of in a bad mood. Maybe in the future I could go to Walmart on Sundays and try to nonchalant get some phone#'s from women. I am just not feeling up to it right now.
 
I watched Ravis videos over anxiety, and I appreciate them. To follow his advice, I woke up this morning with the intention of going for a walk with the rising sun. However, I felt like I had no energy. I was having difficulties getting out of bed. I felt like a loser for having no bitches. To get past this I thought to myself okay, well what if that wasn’t true, who would you be without that though? I asked myself. I responded that I would just go for a walk because then there would be no thoughts holding me down and I would feel like a winner. I decided to do that, remove any though of bitches from my mind and pretend they didn’t exist, and I reached happiness. Being able to keep your morale high is a valuable skill that I didn’t know I lacked and I am grateful that I was humble enough to learn this from Andy and other random YouTube videos.

I went for my 15-minute walk, once the 15 minutes were up, I was feeling like a winner, I asked myself my 15 minutes are up, but the road keeps going, and I don’t have much to do today anyways. I kept going for 2 miles. I then walked back 2 miles for a total of 4 miles. I decided to practice being grateful for the things that are around me. I said hello to a lot of strangers. I even offered an old lady help with going up the ramp of a sidewalk. I had a lot of time to think to myself. I decided that I need to set a goal to say hello to an attractive girl and then follow up with you have a beautiful smile. I need to get into the habit of being able to do this. While I was on my walk, I decided I was also going to finish the task gave me during the free coaching video. 50 things I love about myself.

It has taken me a few months to be able to get this far but,
50 things I love about myself
1. I have lost 55 59lbs
2. I can fix stuff.
3. I am still going
4. I am gaining muscle
5. I love that on October 21st I was able to motivate myself to get out of bed
6. I love that I am slowly but surely able to scratch stuff off my to do list/ small goal list
7. I love that I am still learning
8.I love that I am working on having more courage
9. I love that even though sometimes people disrespect me I am working on not allowing it to get to me
10. I am grateful and also love my body
11. I love that I have the ability to learn stuff
12. I love that I am able to read
13. I love that I have the ability to write
14. I love that I have the ability to listen
15. I love that I can make other people laugh
16.I love that I can laugh
17.I love that I have the ability to shake anger and loss off
18. I love that I can be humble
19. I love that I can express gratitude

I will continue with this list as it grows.
 
log for October 22nd
I went for a quick walk in the morning.
I finished on-boarding for my new contract gig that pays per support ticket completed.
I went to a job interview for a tech related job.
I went to the gym to workout chest and triceps. I was feeling kind of bad I felt like the world was disrespecting me, and I felt like a loser. I helped some 20 year old out with his form because he was new to the gym and the was he was carrying the weights might have lead to a serious neck injury. He thanked me but declined my offer to spot him for free because he was a "loner" or something. I accepted it I can only offer help to those who will take it. I went back to my workout I was trapped in my mind and I felt like the world around me hated me and as if I was a loser. I felt like I keep messing up. But then the 20 year old whom I had helped approached me, he said thank you. He also said he appreciated me and he added that not a lot of people are nice like I am. This put a smile on my face, the fact that this guy came up to me to say thanks really made me feel good. It made me feel like maybe my thoughts are wrong maybe the entire world doesn't hate me, maybe there is just a misunderstanding. I know what its like to be alone and I really wish I could have helped him and as many people as possible. But I know before I can help others I must first help myself. I also decided to take all the hatred around me and use it as fuel. Seeing the disrespect the world was dishing out really motivated me to push myself harder.
If I cant find a good job I will just keep working on my resume by making more tutorial videos on tech stuff I will make a video on hard technical shit every day then employers will have to acknowledge me!
If I cant attract woman into my life I will push my fitness goals harder and I will train harder until I get into the best possible shape I can!
Every day I will take this rejection and use it as fuel to push harder and harder, because that's how winning is done!
I will train harder every day until I fredfred burger become hokage of the leaf village and then everyone will have to acknowledged me!
Believe it!

Jokes aside, I felt so motivated I did some laps around the park until it was dark. I sat down to take a small break and when I got up I was limping. I am also on an calorie deficit, however I decided to choose comfort and went to buy a chicken salad. That chicken salad was the best salad I had tasted in a long time. I also weighed myself in the morning and when I got back home. Morning i was 255lbs when I got home I was 252lbs. I have been stagnating on 253lbs for a long time and it was easier to go from 315 to 300 lbs then it was to go from 253lbs to 252lbs. when I went home I laid on my bed and fell asleep almost instantly and left my lights on. I had expended all my energy.

Log for October 23rd
I didn't go for a walk in the morning. I woke up feeling kind of bad. I wanted to skip the gym . I wasn't able to convince myself to get up today. But then I came across this video.
I played it on repeat and decided to get up and go to gym. And did back and shoulder workout.
 
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log for October 24th-25
I got injured, my right Teres major muscle is extremely swolle but not in a good way. I also have a bruise around the Teres major area, the bruise is the size of a softball. Ive decided to take at least a week to recover. I believe the muscle is undergoing a strain somewhere between grade 1-2.
 
FredFredburger said:
log for October 24th-25
I got injured, my right Teres major muscle is extremely swolle but not in a good way. I also have a bruise around the Teres major area, the bruise is the size of a softball. Ive decided to take at least a week to recover. I believe the muscle is undergoing a strain somewhere between grade 1-2.
Click to expand...

Can you possibly have a session with a physiotherapist to get an understanding of what the injury is, what contributed to it, and what you can do to rehab it?

People have muscular imbalances and various length/tension relationship issues, that mean they end up getting these injuries

One session will give you a lot of insight

You’ve got quite a journey ahead of you, Fred. Your limiting beliefs and mental issues, will require you to rebuild your sense of self over time.

There were things that happened that made you ‘feel’ like a loser and this is causing you anxiety within

Every human being has integral core value, and everyone can be the best version of themselves

Just fixing one problem at a time, you’ll find you wake up to a very different life….

Can you reflect on the following and help us understand:

When did you first begin to think you are a loser?

When did you first begin to feel as if you were being disrespected and not treated the way you’d like?

When did your challenges with image begin?

Weight, is a multidimensional issue, and given your stress and anxiety, it seems like you’re also storing a tonne of tension in your physical body

For you to breakthrough, you need to eventually reach self love and peace. The weight will drop off when your self image has improved, and you can see yourself fit and well.

And your ability to interact and have a normal human experience, will also progressively get better.

Self improvement is the correct avenue for people like you, admirably, you’re also an action taker and are logging consistently. You have some positive traits, which we can leverage to get you a far better life.

We can do this, Fred.

-MAC
 
Ill make a few calls soon to see if I can get a session with a physiotherapist.

When did you first begin to think you are a loser?
I began to feel like a loser in middle school. I had a hard time making friends and from that time going forward I kept adding to the list of why I was a loser. Now that I'm older I understand, I had social anxiety (still have it, to a much lesser degree). This fear stemmed from the fear of being judged. The fear of being judged stemmed from the fear of failure, the fear of failure stemmed from the fear of being imperfect. I have no idea where I got the idea that I had to be perfect, I can make an educated guess but I have no concrete answer. (I had to go really deep for this answer boss)

When did you first begin to feel as if you were being disrespected and not treated the way you’d like?

I feel like I keep being rejected by employers and women. and I understand its just a part of life. I begin to compare myself with others and see others have achieved, and what I cannot.

When did your challenges with image begin?
About the same time I started associating with losing. I became self aware of gyno in middle school. I would wear big jackets and walk hunched over to hide it. I would wear the jackets on days when it was 100 degrees outside. I didn't have good mentorship available to help me get past this.

@MakingAComeback


I really just want to heal asap so I can keep going. The pain I feel from having a strained muscle is a pebble next to the feeling of staying stuck.
"Health is a crown that the healthy wear, but only the sick can see. -imam shafi'ee"
 
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I injured my teres major and it hurt. It hurt that I had to take a break from pursing my goal to prevent further injury. as for how painful my strain was. I could hardly feel the pain, I would of kept doing chinups if I didn't have a purple mark on my back the size of a football, in addition to my teres major swelling up to the size of a grapefruit. Everyday I want to be better then the day I was before. If I could go for 7 miles on Tuesday then on Wednesday I want to go for 7.1.


I found the video above after 6 days. As for an update on my injury its been 6 days and the bruise is 85% gone and my teres major is almost back to normal size. It is still a little swollen. I should be able to load my teres major at 10% and do light mobility exercise. I will do a bench chest and triceps tommorrow.


I also found this information which explains how I can heal from strains faster. Pentadeca Arginate (PDA) is the peptide I am interested in visiting a doctor soon so he can further explain how I can acquire this.

I went to a temp job agencies to see if I could get a quick job and insurance, but no luck. Its probably because we are in holiday season. I applied to every single job in my profession on indeed in my city on 10/30, all 8 of them. With the pop of my city being so high and only 8 job listings in my profession it sometimes feels like im playing hunger games just to get a job. Someone even made a fake job posting to try to steal my social. I do what I always do when someone asks me for my social on a job listing. 0000000000 works every time:cool:. I know I am procrastinating on making job apps to the city that is 5 hours away, where there is more opportunity but its because deep down I am afraid to move.

I made a few calls, I will be signing up for insurance soon so I can see a doctor.

Due to my injury I avoided going to the gym. I noticed I lost a lot of will power and didnt follow my diet when i took a break from gym. When I had nothing to do I would lie down feeling hopeless. but my thoughts weren't negative this time. They keep repeating "Dont do this to yourself fred", "This is wrong fred, dont give up on yourself." Once I felt I had enough of being hopeless I decided to keep going, sure I cant lift weights because I was avoiding going to gym to prevent further injury. However I still had my old home work outs on my phone. Every 3 days I worked out my legs during my one week break. As soon as I did my leg workout I felt all my will power return to me. Suddenly I was able to say no to food again, I am so grateful for this.

50 things I love about myself
20. I love that I was able to find more will power through working out
21. I am grateful that I can heal
22. I am greateful that I can walk
23. I am greatful that I can experince hate and indifference. because the opposite is also true
24. I am greatful that I can experince love.
25. I am greatful that I can experince sadness
26. I am grateful that I can experince happiness
27. I am grateful that I can smile.
28. I am grateful that I can type.
29. I am grateful that I can imagine other worlds in my mind. even though it can become its own prision. because with practice the opposite is also true.
30.I am grateful that I can imagine there is no pain in this world and push myself further. and further.

I am excited to keep going. Even though its tough to get a job I remember David Goggins speech. I dont remember his exact quote but it went something like. "I dont care if I have to work 10 times or 100 times harder then the next guy just for a chance at a chance" -David Goggins
I know im not as mentaly strong as him but I look up to him and sometimes I feel like I can relate. After reading his book, he was talking about being able to ignore pain with his mind and I tried to do it as well and I am able to do it sometimes while I stretch. Pain becomes a sensation like feeling the texture of a table instead of feeling like I am stepping on glass.

Thanks for the compliment ealier @MakingAComeback . I am logging consistently, I do it because it helps me feel in control of Freds story, and deasociate . I am Fred but I am also not Fred it is just a character . I am the author and the audience. When I write about Fred it motivates me seeing the steps he is taking to win, and as the auidence. I cant help but want fred to win, I hear my thoughts that say "go get em tiger". Even though I know freds story is not the best out there, to add to that its not even a good story I still I find it entertaining and motivating. I appreciate these fourms Ravi.

Also I mix 1 spoon full of stevia with 20g of collagen and a glass full of unsweetened almond milk. This shit taste just like candy.
 
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I went to gym and feel a tiny bit of pain in my back, probably due to the strain. I am going to avoid working out my back or using it for the next month. There is a female employee at the gym. I thought she was cute and one day I decided to talk to her. For 2 months after that she used to smile every time she would see me, and her eyes would light up. This made me feel special because I thought she would only have that reaction around me. I only talked to her once I didn't want to flirt with her or continue because I wanted to only focus on self improvement and body image at the gym and anything else would be a distraction . For two months she would smile at me, in addition to other very obvious hints she wanted me to talk to her. Fast forward to today. she doesn't smile at me anymore, and it looks as if she tries to avoid me. I want to see her smile again, I tried to say hi to her she turns her back at me it turns my anxiety up and I feel like she doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like I am going to be judged and people are going to give me weird looks, and she is going to think I am rude, or I am a beta male or something bad. I start thinking I always lose, "she doesnt like you get over it". I start thinking maybe she is already talking to someone else or has a boyfriend. All I want, is to see her smile again.

I guess I should add sometimes I check out other females at the gym, last time she caught me and it looked like she wanted to cry. I will stop and only checkout women outside the gym from now on.

I write this because she made a few things obvious.


1. My looks are good enough as they are to attract a female and me going to the gym, is just a way for me to avoid talking to women. She was looking at me one time giving me obvious hints, and she made me feel so stupid. Here I am working out to attract women, while she was waiting for me to put the weights down to go talk to her. tldr; I am doing monk mode to avoid getting hurt.

2. I am alone I've been alone. Ive been hiding it from myself. I dont want to be alone. I used to use video games as my vice of choice to numb the pain. But the video games don't work anymore, and it feels like I'm wasting my life playing them. They feel pointless.

3. Last one she planted a seed in my mind. I don't want to be a player I want a girlfriend. I am not sure if im asking for a lot, but all I want is someone who is happy to be with me, someone who is happy that I am talking to them.

I'm going to have to start talking to a lot of women and fliring with a lot of women to find that one female.
I have to find an excuse to talk to gym employee female, if she wont look at my direction anymore I will have to get her attention by, trying to ask "Excuse me," (no response) "excuse me" (no response) "excuse me miss can I please ask a question." "I wanted someones opinion on this joke (insert joke i prepared before hand here)," . Then I wait for her response she will probably say something like "that joke was so fucking horrible someones pet dog just died cause you said that joke, in addition to that it would of cost you nothing to not say that joke". But if I can make her laugh I am going to try to say, "I lied about the joke, you have a beautiful smile, and I just wanted to see it again". (just like a smooth criminal):cool:🚬
If only I had the balls to go through with this


Approach Anxiety
I felt really ugly because female employee at gym is avoiding me, I also felt worthless.
I sat in my car for an hour after gym infront of grocery store. But when I went in I smiled directly at a woman, I was thinking "maybe she would like me and I wouldnt feel so ugly". Then I got to the cashier, she asked me how my day was and it threw me off. I know its her job to ask. But I returned the question and her smile grew wider. However I totally fumbled that conversation and I didnt know how to continue, despite the cute female cashier at the grocerie store trying to keep the conversation going. But just seeing the cashiers smile grow wider when I talked to her made me think "There has got to be someone out there for me." when I got to my car a thought hit me "Fred!!! you dumbass!! you could of told the cashier at the grocery store she has a beautiful smile! you IDIOT!"

My Plans
This sat or sun im going to go walk around the mall and try to say hi to attractive women. Take more pictures. Start matching on facebook dating and send out copy paste messages so I can detach and avoid getting hurt.

My included video of the day since it appears to have become tradition:


Im overweight, good I have something to look foward to when I lose all this weight.
I got fired, good its an opportunity to find a better job.
Chick at gym is mad at me and flirting with other guys, good I learned.
My back got injured, good, its opportunity to improve my form.

Its time to get up dust off , reengage and keep going.

LETS FUCKING GO WIN AT THIS AND SIT AMOUNGEST LEGENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETS FUCKING GO!!!!!!
 
I quit OLD apps, and Ive stalk a few posts here and there. I know OLD is tough right now even for the chads. I decided to quit OLD for some time because I just didn't like how I was being treated. Unhealthy dark energy was able to find me and motivate me to try again. I went out and took some pictures. And holy shit I feel in love with the results. When I took my pictures home to my computer, I was scrolling through the pictures and I was wondering how the fuck someone managed to put professional level grade shots that could easily pass off as windows 11 screen savers/backgrounds into my camera the same day I went out for a photoshoot. I took over 1000 shots, and I had to choose only 1 picture. It was tough I had to become really picky. I ended up choosing 2. I field tested the pics and it looks like every hour or so I am getting a new match on FB dating. So there is a big improvement. However I have figured out how to forgive and allow the negative energy to leave my system, so I no longer feel the same drive to attempt to be an OLD player. I will try to convince myself to send some messages though, and be outcome independent . A few months ago MakingAComeback told me to smile more in my pics and go focus on upper body clothing. It worked thanks for the advice. I also took some of Kams fashion advice. I found a really nice levi jacket that I will be buying soon, to take more pics. I am grateful for all the people in this forum and outside this forum that have helped me thank you. 🙏

Body improvement
I've been working out daily. But I have to calibrate when I am going to hard and when im not going hard enough. I am planning to add to my home leg workout. Eventually I want to elevate to the point where I can do a superset of 500 abdominal movements, just like I was able to do in my early 20's. It wont be to long. I want to do this because in my early 20's I lost 16lbs over 4 months doing extremely high reps in my abs as my end of the day workout, in addition to this I was also eating big meals like burgers at restaurants every day. Despite that doing a kick boxing session+700 abdominal reps afterwards I was still able to burn through all the shit. My thoughts if I am able to elevate back to those levels while I am on my extreme calorie deficit I should be able to burn a lot more and quicker.


(Edit: shit almost forgot to add a video at the end of my post)


11/2/24 update
Anxiety, do the things that scare me
Ive been super selfconcious to an extreme my old life, I never even let anyone know what kind of music i was into for fear of rejection, because what if what if I wasnt I liked what if I wasnt cool. I understand now it all stems from a fear of not being accepted. Fear of letting people know what music I was into was a ritual I followed until today. I took out my loudest speaker and played my music full blast outside of my home. I am such a fucking rebel. I am done with this fear of rejection that has plauged my early life.
Finished my leg workout
Pushed myself the main workouts I wanted to push myself on was one legged lunges and crunches. I aimed for 58 lunges each side I only managed to get 48.
I aimed for 70 crunches I did 80.
I was so fucking wet today. After my workout of course. I looked like I had just steped out of the shower.
I updated my linked in picture and banner. I started to work on my resume, by taking advice from youtubers. I need to get back to the recruiters. I also have a interview on monday for a seasonal job. I got 9 matches, I wasn't very strict with swiping. my criteria was , do they pass the boner test. I sent them andy'es hi message and 4 sent a message back. I left them on read cause im do not care enough, I believe I am apathetic. I may just ask chat gpt to respond to them for me. So I can deassociate. One of the older matches whom is recently post wall kind of hinted at wanting to go to movies. I left her on read.
I got 9 matches and I aint even done overhauling my profile.

Halloween may be over but It will be
:devilish: time very soon.
Mwhahahahaha!

Side note: Why does my clothing keep expanding after I do laundry. Even my tightest clothing is getting really baggy.
 
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So I ended up messaging the girls on OLD b/c I didn't want to ghost them. It feels like shit getting ghost. I let them ghost me first. Something surprised me. One of the girls on OLD messaged me asking what my job was, I asked her if she wanted my linked in. She laughed over text, she apologized and asked she was wondering if I was a photographer b/c she needed one. I thanked her for the compliment and I told her I just take photos for fun. But I could help if she wanted and then she told me goodnight. I thought she was going to ask me for money, but I was the one who ended up asking for money or being the gold digger lol. Its funny how life happens.

I did chest and tri workout today. I threw in some legs and abs for fun.
tldr; as well as to long didn't write;
4 girls giggled at me today at gym and I left one girl stunned with my smile. just like a smooth criminal
:cool:🚬
All I did to make them giggle was be unapologetic me.

I was talking with a friend and he told me I should of kept going; but I realized, I don't give a shit about those women. I like going to gym cause it keeps me healthy, id rather focus on my workout instead of bitches. I didn't go to mall today to hit on chicks because I was tired after workout. I try to push myself harder and harder each time, this time I got dizzy, but if my destiny is to go down, then I go down swinging. I wanted that one girl who gave me unconditional attention for 2 months as a GF, but she seems to have moved on, and took my delusion with her. So honestly I don't give a shit. I can make friends and I don't want friends either, I guess I don't really want much right now, just to live on beach in a box with a fucking xbox and my guitar. Thats all I really need for now.
But maybe its wrong to be lazy so I will continue to grind.

(Edit I was trying to do one handed chinups with my non injured hand. I was able to take myself a good 3 inches off the ground. However After I was done with the chin up I realized I accidentally used my injured hand and felt no pain, I'm still not going to workout my back for a few more weeks cause I want my sprain to be gone for good.)

"Just keep swimming. -Dory from finding nemo"
 
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Came out of gym Worked out biceps and shoulders. In a few days im going to try to incorporate back and im only going at like 50% keeping it light.
I feel like there is something missing. I am going to try to get more matches on OLD and I am just going to invite the women out to coffee and just try to talk to them. I'm being a little more picky on matches. Just a little bit. I need more experience talking to women. I swiped on Facebook dating until I ran out of likes.

I am going to buy outerwear and take a few more pictures this coming weekend for online dating. Once I get 3 new pictures Ill update Hinge premium. I am planning to take 3000 pictures and only choose the best 3.
I am going to need help with color grading the images and stuff I have no experience editing colors on the pictures. I may just get someone who looks like they know what their doing on fiver. idk. But here it goes I have faith that everything will turn out good if I just keep going. I also have am going to give myself permission to suck.

I need to work on my self esteem and my faith. That is my main issue that's why Ive been a failure for so long. Its cause I lack faith and self esteem. I did some self reflection and that's what I came up with.

I also learned I need to appreciate stuff, and I need to forgive myself and forgive others. I am a very jealous person and my jealousy holds me back.

List of qualities I need to work on:
1.Faith in myself
2.Self esteem
3.Appreciation
4.lower my envy

If I can master these everything else will fall into place. Its kind of funny though 1,2 and 3,4 are kind of two different ways at looking at the same phenomenon. Wish me luck guys. :D

 
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