Gabriel's log

[Sisyphus]

The username is based on a book by Albert Camus, which is based on an ancient greek myth. I love greek mythology, and this one is a cool metaphor for self improvement. There is nothing new under the sun.

I already introduced myself a bit on the mandatory thread.

My physical health has deteriorated since the quarentine started. I don't know why. I've been trying to lose weight but I can't. I have been eating daily 1500-1800kcal for the past 2 months (I do moderate cardio, about 40 min a day running a bike, so my daily kcal expenditure should be 2000 kcal)but I'm stuck at the same bodyfat level (12%).And I seem to be getting progressively weaker. I can't even do 2 pullups, I used to be able to do 15+. I don't even do anaerobic excercise anymore because of the frustration. I think it's an underlying problem that has been going on for years but now intensified. I've felt worst after doing keto or fasting. There might be a thyroid or adrenal issue going on. I did a stool analysis to discard the possibility of parasites, I'll have the result tomorrow. I will go to a functional medicine doctor that takes seriously these concerns. When I have the money I'll do a heavy metal hair test, a saliva nitric oxide test and a genetic sequencing.

My mental health has also deteriorated. I'll not go into much detail, but the takeaway is that I went back to mental masturbation habits and lost momentum. But, on the good side, I took a lot of time to review what I want in life, what are my beliefs, philosophies, goals, values, etc. I took a final stance on religion, I'm a hardcore atheist, I distrust any spiritual belief whatsover and distrust anyone that tells me that they have the secret or the answer to anything. There's no answer, there's no essence or definitive meaning. Meaning is subjective to the individual and to the society/group. Words don't describe reality. I think philosophies/spiritual beliefs can be cool if you read them in a symbolic way, they can have some glimpse of "the truth" in the sense that they describe patterns that tend to work. But if you take them at face value (say, the idea of "karma") they can be dangerous and someone else can use them to manipulate you. Self improvement is full of that crap. I have found relief in metal music that I listened in my teenage years and good literature. Art can give some sense of purpose.

The best thing is to be pragmatic, what you can do now to improve your situation, in one year, in two years, 5 years max and stop worrying about "legacy" and things like that, find a structure that works for you, work on something you love, have sufficient money to fulfill your needs, have friends with similar values, have good health and that's it. So I took some time to "Define what success is before you spend years chasing it". At the same time, trying to find perfect clarity is a excuse not to do anything, it's better to figure things on the way. For example I don't know exactly what kind of art I want to make, whether I want to be a "real" artist or a commercial illustrator, whether I want to do just art, or art and music, etc. All I now is I need to move out of my parents and earn a living doing images.

Another area where I became less idealistic is politics. I used to be left winged and hold all sort of ideals of how things should be, argue with other people, etc. Over time I challenged some of those beliefs. But overall I decided to be a total hippocrite, as Chris would say. Of course self improvement clashes with a lot of those beliefs. But who cares. I prefer to be amoral. It is not like anyone will give you a prize for not being selfish. I don't owe anything to my family or my highschool friends, or my country. Perhaps I can reevaluate some of those beliefs once I've "made it", but right now they are detrimental.

There are things that didn't went my way this year. Apart from the loss of strength and mental health, my piercings didn't heal well so I took them off. I loved them, but I didn't react well to them. I will try again in the future, but for now I won't use piercings. They are a bother for doing Muay Thai, which I haven't been doing this year for that reason.
My concrete goals right now are:
-make 5 good portfolio images (I have made accounts on upwork, fiverr and freelancer. I need some original work to show instead of just study pieces)
-Get to 66kg 8% body fat (currently 70.5kg at 12% bodyfat)

General mindset goals:
-be more positive/grateful. take things less seriously.
-be more pragmatic/realistic in my thinking and goals.
-keep my ego in check. for example, logo designs are more in demand than illustrations, but I haven't done it beause of ego.
-be less lonely. rely more on other people. learn to work with other people.
-be more clean and tidy (from my bedroom to my work)

 

[Sisyphus]

I give myself up to 1/15/21 to fulfill the goals stated above (8% body fat) and 5 good porfolio pieces. If I don't achieve this, mods, feel free to give me a temporary ban. I'm broke so I don't have money to put on the table. Perhaps I should do some free work for someone here if I don't achieve my goals.

Right now I have to study for some finals. I procrastinated a lot with academics this year. I think I subsconsciously tried to burn the ships so I don't have other options rather than to leave college. There are topics I like to study, like for example Piaget and Vigotsky (psychology of learning). The problem is that the end goal is completely unapealing (working as teacher in elementary school...). I have mixed feelings because it partially feels good, to teach kids, "contribute to your community". But at the same time, I must chose, and I want to paint, commercially or not, but not live off of lessons, and even less working for the state, specially knowing the opportunities there are in this day and age with the internet and such.

I am more emotional than I would like. I'm afraid of what my parents would think if I tell them I want to drop out college. I'm afraid of being alone, of "quiting" society. I desperately want reassurance that "this is the right path", I ask for advice to my friends. Of course they don't think working as an illustrator online is a good decision. They think getting a secure job is the right thing.

I'm also a rational person. So let's evaluate some factors:
-Earning $300 monthly doing illustration and logo design is not a crazy amount. There are people here that earn 10x doing more profitable skills, so it's not unreasonable to think I'm able to earn 1/10 of what they earn doing something less profitable. The argentinian peso is devaluated and is going to be more devaluated. 1 dollar=200 argentinian pesos. Earning 60000 pesos a month is not bad, it is almost middle class income. Even if I can earn half that amount, it would be sufficient to convey to my parents that this "works" so they let me do my thing until I can rent a place for myself. Once I break that barrier, it will get easier and easier.
-I have been drawing, and reading about drawing and illustration, etc since 2016. I went to two ateliers during most of that time, so it's not like I was fumbling in the dark. I can draw conving things from imagination. I know how to research reference. I know how to make multiple iterations of an idea.

One thing I'm afraid of is not being able to meet deadlines. In this sense, this should have been a reason to do better in college, to tell myself that my word is of value. I really need to improve this, there's no other way around it.
-I know at least 3 people from that atelier that could get jobs as an illustrator either freelance or in house

Next steps: take these sketches to a finished/fully rendered stage (attached, if you have any sugestions or ideas about what it reminds of, what movie or game or story do you see this characters in or a feeling that it makes you feel, or things that look off). What they must convey: understanding of fundamentals (lighting, perspective, anatomy) and interesting/original subject matters or designs (not just your average misty mountain). Also: record a time lapse of the process.
(also: Draw full body shots. Draw animals)

November 26th

Calories: 1500kcal
Drawing: 1h
Studying for college: 2h
Productivity: 6/10
Mood: 7/10

 

[Reservoir]

Hey, Gabo from GLL! Nice to see you here. I've lurked on your AA log back on that site and feel a lot of respect for your dedication.

Hope you sort out your medical issues.

 

[Sisyphus]

November 27

Woke up 9:30am
Rode bike
Studied 4 hours
Ate 1800kcal
Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10

November 28

Fucked around with a composition file on gp5. Music is not my number 1 goal so it was action faking
Ate 1500kcal
Studied 5h
Wasted 7h (composition, playing guitar, listening to music, watching funny videos...)
Jerked off
Productivity 6/10
Mood 7/10

 

[Sisyphus]

November 29th

Woke up 9:30am have wakeup earlier
Bike: 10km (I burnt about 500kcal). Was extremely tired afterwards
Drawing: 2h
Studying: 3h
Productivity 6/10
Mood 8/10

November 30th

Woke up 9:30 am. Have to wake up earlier.
Failed a final (decided not to do it)
Felt like lazy piece of shit.
Studying: 3h
Drawing: 2h
Productivity: 6/10
Mood: 5/10
I remember that Andy once pointed out my main flaws:
-I go one extreme and then the other. This is true, it is partly a personality thing that I don't want to change, but it is also a limitation and a excuse ("if it's not 10 I prefer not to do any effort than do an effort and achieve 7"). This a very childish thing. I also relate this to"above average b plus". I'm always trying to get straight As and end up doing nothing. I have two modes, doing something at an A+ level or doing nothing. But A+ requieres a lot of time and attention, so I'm always late or always at stage of development, without any concrete results, just "potential".
-I always try to jump straight ahead. My mind is ahead than my body. I always have all of these big ideas but then there are factors that clash with the ideal strategy, such as my own emotions. When I first started at this, I used to say things like "If I talked to 60 girls in a day I would get laid every other day". But, if it was so easy, everyone would do it. Truth is, things are usually harder than expected. Instead of doing baby steps, I try to do Giant Steps that are possible in theory but not in practice. I'm a mind in a less than ideal body, that has feelings, emotions, finite amounts of energy, etc.

A couple of months ago I was worrying about what kind of legacy I'd want to have, if being a millionaire greedy capitalist was the right thing... but I can't even wake up early, keep my bedroom clean, stop wasting time on the internet...
A defense that I use is being skeptical about the ultimate meaning of anything. But this just an excuse to avoid engaging with the world right now. There is big gap between who I am and who I want to be and this is probably always going to be the case. I have to either accept this or use the frustration to grow. But will always be frustrated unless I'm okay with the impossibility of certain things. I am trying to achieve impossible goals while I still haven't mastered the fundamentals. In 2018-2019 I improved a great deal with social anxiety. I used to be weirder more shy and have less fun in social situations. I overall overcame that obstacle. 2020 was a time for reflection, but I honestly felt that I went backwards in many areas. This year (2021) I want to master these basic skills:
-work ethic. This includes many sub skills, such as: tolerance of discomfort, time management/organization (which implies scheduling time for rest and fun, instead of saying that I will study all day but lie to myself and fuck around in the middle), consistency (I'm always trying to find new ways of doing things, but sometimes it is better to keep a system that works and don't change it even if there seems to be room for improvement) and focus (I have way to many interests, I need to narrow my focus and be good in a few key skills that I do over and over), punctuality (if I say this is gonna be done at this point in time, I must do it, otherwise it is best not to make promises).

-mental/emotional stability. I don't think I am in a position to talk about happiness or meaning or higher purpose. I need first to avoid getting in  existentialist mental masturbation loopholes and try to keep a reasonable good mood everyday. Also, I need to get better at not letting my emotions affect my decision making.

-social behavior. I beat social anxiety, but I still have a very asocial behavior. I need to get better at working on teams, communicating with other people and have fun with other people. I need to stop thinking that hanging out is a waste of time.

If there is someone younger reading this, I want him to learn from my mistakes.
1) my first mistake was of course spending way too much time playing video games and watching porn, this was true for me from 13-20 years old.
2) my second mistake was watching/reading too much self improvement content. This was true for me from 20-now. Social anxiety, internet addiction, porn addiction, conspiratorial thinking (including TRP) are only secondary problems, but the main problem is isolating your self and avoiding real life in general, and I'm afraid self improvement in excess is just another escapism. Gll/approaching, going to the gym, certain hobbies like drawing or guitar and people I met along the way were good things but self improvement itself did very little to improve my life.

Self improvement is a sort of caricature of life. It looks like life but it is not real life. It is an idealized model that tells you that if you go to the gym, stop jerking off and take cold showers, your life is going to improve (with no scientific evidence). I have done all the above, I did 150 days of no fap in 2017 and 80 days of no fap hard mode this year. In 2020 I also took cold showers almost every day (after warm showers). None of that improved my baseline level of discipline (which was the outcome I expected). If you focus on self improvement, you'll get good at self improvement, thats it, it doesnt neccesairly transfer to the rest of your life. Getting into self improvement requires a kind of a videogame mentality.

-be more useful. Learn to pay bills, manage a budget, clean the house, keep my family car in good shape, etc. Perhaps this is already too much for one year. Overall, it's about being less autistic.

December 1st

-woke up 8:00 am
Drawing: 4h
Studying: 2h
Mood: 7/10
Productivity: 7/10
Ate 1700kcal
Wasted little time on social media. Wasted time playing guitar. It is kind of a waste of time because for me is a like a videogame or a hobby. But at the same time I look past the hours that I spent playing guitar and I think they are worth it. I think I find it hard to be productive studying because I've sort of mentally checked out of college. It's a weird place to be in and I'm bad at doing an average job at things, which is what I should do now.
But I find myself very productive at drawing, I can do it without music or distractions although sometimes I do listen to something in the background. I guess I just formed the habit over the years and I have positive feedback loops. But I've been just sketching something fun like cute anime girls. When I'm done with exams I'm gonna attack my portfolio pieces with all guns blazing.
I need to smile more.
I need to learn to wash my clothes
I need to be less hard on myself on things that dont matter

 

[Sisyphus]

December 2nd

Woke up 8:30 am
Wasted 90min watching youtube videos
Ate 1800kcal
Productivity: 8/10 (varied a lot)
Mood 8/10 (varied a lot)
Failed amother exam (decided not tp do it). After that,
Fucked around for another 90 minutes, this timecplaying guitar and uploading art to a daily art challenge.
Important to remember: amount of effort doesn't equal amount of productivity. I have spinned my wheels real hard trying to study, and the outcome is very poor, because I dont actually want it. It happens with everything I actually dont want that mucj, like being an entrepreneur or being rich
I dont think I need more than 50k dollars a year. That's a good amount to aim for.
After some point I want to have a youtube channel or a blog and "give back" but not now, not before having actually achieved anything.
What I do want to do is to live on a first world country for a while. I need to be in that position in order to decide. Right now I cant take an informed decision because I'm too influenced by my background and my current situation. Freedom to travel is important. My main plan to do that is to get an in house job at a videogane studio in US, Canada or Europe. But first things first, I have to get out of this city and out of my parents' house.
Remember: I dont owe anything to my society, to my friends or my family. I give myself permission to be selfish
One of the reasons I do want money is to buy courses and attend seminars. A lot of seminars are scams, but some are worth it because of the people you meet there and the mindset shift you experience.
I think 100 girls (cold approach, social circle and dating apps) over the next 10 years is a very realistic amount.
I HAVE FOUND MY VISION. DON'T-CHANGE-IT, Gabe. Stay at it. Stop doubting yourself. Stop attempting so many things, do one thing and then go to the next. You know what you want and how to achieve it.


Books to read:

Wolfflin
Craig mullins
Solomon solomon
Charles moreau vauthier
Hugh p laurie
Richard schmidt

Do mentorship with Anthony Jones!

There is a huge amount of people in this world, and we tend to underestimate that. A lot of things make much more sense if we take this into account

I'm doing a mindfulness course. It's useful.

After I decided to fail that exam, I'm pfficially free from academic 'obligations'. Put my ass into gear and did 90 min of a digital painting study (that I left unfinished a couple months ago). I'm still slow but the only way tp get faster is practicing. After that, I'll work on porfolio pieces.
I'm really feeling the pressure of having made the final jump out of the 'system' but I'm enjoying it.

December 3rd

The results of stool analysis are ready, I have chists of giardia lamblia(a common protozoan parasite). It is good to know that I'm not crazy, that there are underlying medical issues for my fatigue and weakness. But at the same time it sucks, no matter how much I think I can force myself to do things, there are many things out of my control. Gosh, we are so vulnerable to so many things. This further motivates me to check for other infections, like dengue, lyme, bartonella, check for heavy metal levels and a host of other things. Perhaps I'm a little bit hypochondriac, but we overestimate how developed  we are as species. Or better said, we have unequal levels of development in different areas. We have been developing at a crazy rate in terms of technology and communication, but still struggle with public health issues.

This is one instance where having money is really important, you need a good diet, a good healthcare provider, access to tests. The other instance is learning (courses, seminars, mentors, etc). So there you have it, health and education, it's cliche but true. Instead of thinking about money as a way of buying a lamborghini, you think about rationally increasing your quality of life and those around you, it suddenly becomes a way less superficial thing than popular culture wants you to believe.
Had chances to approach but wasted them. As I said in my intro post, I won't bring girls home and probably wouldn't have sex in the girl's home either, due to living with my parents and coronavirus (they are concerned about me going to social gatherings). Therefore, getting laid is not a priority. But I still want to approach so I can keep chipping away approach anxiety for future real approaches. I also want to have cool interactions, and approaching is almost a moral duty for me at this point. I swore myself in the past that I'm not going to be a pussy and there is not going back to that.

There is no completely unbizarre approach opportunity.

I'd say I forced myself with a 8/10 willpower force.

Drawing: 5h
Productivity 8/10
Mood 8/10

Ate 1500kcal
Played guitar, learnt a new riff (a couple actually)


December 4th

Went to downtown to buy something for guitar. Set myself a timer to approach. Wandered around for ~45minutes and let a couple of girls slip by. 0 approaches.
Tried to do it with 8/10 willpower. AA is pretty high. I'll still maintin the habit of going downtown with my bike and try to do these practice approaches. I burn calories and at least remind myself that I have a long way to go in regards social freedom. Society's pull is very very strong. No one understands what I'm doing and I feel autistic and stupid. My own mind sets traps too. Important to remember: Don't think! Apprpaching is a sort of a mindfulness practice
Ate 1600kcal
Swimming against the tide is the hardest thing about self improvement

December 5th

Ate 1400 kcal. Felt hungry most of the day
Drawing: 5h. I also did a lot of mental effort+reading.
Wasted little time on social media.
Hung out with friends a little bit
Felt a little bit burned out and doubted myself a little bit.
Grabbed some coffee and I wanted to talk to the waitress but I chickened out.
Productivity 7/10
Mood 8/10

December 6th

Ate 1400kcal
Wasted little time on social media, but jerked off and played too much guitar on the morning. At the afternoon I was more productive. organized photo references and my working space.
Productivity: 8/10
Mood: 7/10 (lots of self doubt). Better prepare to be criticized.
Stop wanting to do music and art at the same time. Accept that it is going to take a lot of work.
Not being healthy is not an excuse for not working. Cervantes wrote/thought Don Quixote when he was in jail, without one arm. And there are countless examples

Attached current thing I'm working on. This would be the first image of the portfolio. There are a ton of things I dislike, but I'm new to digital painting, so, as Andy would say, "give yourself permission to suck". I need to put in a ton of work

 

[SIGMA_1234]

-make 5 good portfolio images (I have made accounts on upwork, fiverr and freelancer. I need some original work to show instead of just study pieces)

Just saw this log now. I see that you are an artist. I know you sell images and pictures, but do you have in mind what result you are specifically selling to clients?

 

[Sisyphus]

December 7th

Fucked around a lot. Played way too much guitar.
Did random doodles.
Worked like 1h hour at painting project and made some critical  changes.
Spent most of the time gsthering references and researching. It was tedious work that I felt I had to do.
Felt pretty tired
Mood: 7.5/10
Productivity: 6.5/10

December 8th

Ate 1600 kcal
Drew 5h
Organized learning material and reference
Felt very tired
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 7/10

December 9th

Ate 1700kcal
Had opportunities to approach, but I'm still a pussy.
I like capitalism. I like money. I like malls. I like places that look good. I like places that smell good. I like huge cities were things are happening.
Went out, had opportunities to approach but pussed out
Challenges are good, they help me get hyped, they kickstart my ass.
Driniking a lot of water helps me feel a lot better. No wonder, one of the symptoms of giardiasis is dehydration
I am procrastinating working on my portfolio, instead just making studies and looking for reference.

December 10th

Signed up to a couple of art challenges.
Difference between drinking A LOT of water and not drinking a lot of watee has been huge. Went from barely being able of doing pull up to doimg 8 with ease. I'm excited, perhaps I can reach again or even surpass my 20 pull up rep max.
Rode bike for 90 minutes, acordding to fitness pal I burned 900 calories (there were a lot of uphill segments).
Ate 1500kcal
Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 7/10

December 11th

Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 7/10

Rode bike, burnt 500kcal. I
Ate 1800kcal

December 12th

IMAGINE THAY YOU HAVE KIDS AND YOU HAVE TO PAY A MORTGAGE. WORKING ON YOUR NUMBER 1 GOAL ALLOWS YOU TO PAY THAT MORGAGE. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. NO TIME WASTING.
I'm slowly undoing the colectivist mindset I was raised to accept. I'm giving myself permission to be selfish, that I have no moral obligation whatsoever to give back to my community, being superior to my competition in what I do is not stepping over them. I don't need to hold back. Bad things are not going to happen for cutting ties with certain people. Karma doesn't exist. But, conversely, I'm accepting the implications of being 'on my own', the harsh realities of this competitive world. Ideally, I agree with a lot of the criticisms towards capitalism/individualism. But adhering to those ideals has only brought more suffering to my concrete life. The red pill helped me see this contradictions. I had great resentment in highschool towards these upper class kids that had these left winged ideals... but no matter how hippie or rugged their clothes were, they were still popular, "above me" in coolness, they got the girls, etc. In other words, hierarchies are very much inevitable. Whether you agree to hypergamy or not, you have to admit that there's a lot of inequality in the small amount of guys that get sex/intimacy/attention from the majority of girls (it follows the pareto principle), and it has very little to do with effort or any factors that are under your control. Over time I stopped being resentful and just accepted the reality, and that if I was in their place I would do the same, stopped trying to higher ideals that don't exist and instead focus on how to improve my situation now. I choose to be kind because sometimes I feel like it, and it's a very  convenient of behaving in social settings, but not out of fear of being punished or rejected. I acknowledge that all those good morals are artificial  and in reality very few people care about me (and I care about very few people).
Ate 1700kcal
I need to get to bed earlier

December 13th

Ate 1600kcal
Drawing: 7h
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 6/10

December 14th

Ate 1800kcal
Drawing: 8h
Productivity: 7.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10

December 15th

Drawing: about 8hs, with relatively high levels of concentration even though I was feeling pretty tired. I need to sleep earlier.
Productivity 8/10
Mood 8/10
Energy 5/10

Muscled through the study (1st portfolio piece). There are still things to finish, but the main bulk of work is done. I don't think it is good, for the amount of work that I spend in it. I learned a lot though, and, as Andy would say, I should give myself permission to suck, considering I'm still new to digital media. At this point it's better to move on another image, I have signed up to 3 art challenges, which is great, it forces me to generate ideas and execute them. Healthy competition is great too. I asked for feedback on this piece on a discord server with professional illustrators. I'll finish the piece with a more fresh mind and after receiving this feedback.

SIGMA_1234 That's a good question, one that I have asked myself. Here's a list of the most common projects on freelancer:
-small icons and images
-logo designs
-coloring
-caricature
-[introduce famous person or deity] artwork
-illustrations for mobile app
-image edit (remove background)
-children book illustrations
-poster design
-photo illustration
-book/music album cover

intuitively I would say, the goal of the image is to improve the presentation of the client's product so I becomes more profitable, or it is a personal caprice of my client. In many cases, as one artist that I respect says, it's something that the client "could have done themselves if they weren't busy doing more important things". I'm probably investing way too much effort in a work that's probably end up being the vision of the client, and not mine.

Long term, I'd like to do concept art for videogames and/or movies. The image would be part of a more complex line of production where someone has an idea, a 2d artist (me) does a rough sketch of how that idea would look like, then a 3d models it, then a programer codes it in to the game, and so forth. But first I have to do these small, not ideal jobs. If I want to succeed big, I have to succeed with small things first.

 

[Thebastard]

Welcome! Scary shit about the parasite! Lymes or something like that is what immediately sprang to mind. Thank zeus you didn't have that as far as you know. I also thought maybe your hormones were out of back (testosterone etc.) but you becoming that weak definitely indicates it would be something way worse.

I wouldn't necessarily see guitar playing as a waste of time. If you got really good perhaps you could capitalise on it? Maybe not now because of corona but I knew a guy who literally could make 200 euros a day busking (while evading city council agents no less but still).

 

[Sisyphus]

December 16th

Went to the doctor. Was lucky to find a good one.
She gave me pills for giardiasis and a blood test for thyroid hormone (not only tsh, but also t3, t4, reverse, etc)

Ate 2000kcal, reallt fucked up the diet.
Went to bed very late, also, couldnt sleep.

December 17th
Woke up early (6:30). Did blood test. Walked a lot and did tedious chores
Ate 1800kcal, but burnt 300kcal walking so I'm still at a deficit
Drawing: 5h

Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 6/10
Energy: 5/10

December 18th

Arrived late to appointmentFuck. This must not happen anymore. If you are late to a place, you burn in hell for eternity
Drawing: 5h
Productivity: 6.5/10
Energy 7/10
Mood 7/10

December 19th

After a ton of procrastination, did sketches for artstation challenge. Had a lot of fun with it.
Productivity: 9/10
Mood: 9/10
Energy:6/10
.
December 20th

Advanced my artstation challenge. Drew a lot, like 8h, with a lot of  concentration, still played guitar a bit. Hope I can keep this pace. Wish I started this challenge sooner!
Didnt count calories today, way to focused on this thing, probably towards maintenance.

Productivity 9/10
Mood 9/10
Energy 6/10

December 21st
Didnt made it to the official challenge on time, but will keep with this project anyway. Today I struggled a lot more to draw. Probably 4h of focused drawing at best.
I'm wasting time with youtube, not so much with instagram. It's okay to listen a stream while I draw, not to watch videos without drawing.
I also wasted time talking/friendly debating with a friend
Ate 1800kcal.

Dec 22nd

Wasted a lot of time and energy going to an electrocardiogram appointment, ran into bureaucratic issues and had to postopone it
Ate 1700kcal


Dec 23rd
Ended giardiasis antibiotics cycle
Thyroid results are normal.
Drawing: 4h
Could have done more.
Had trouble concentrating
I wastr time watching youtube videos and chatting with a friend. The latter is good and necessary, the former is not.Those seconds dont come back. Get used to the boringness of life.
I must keep pushing. I have no choice. I am an slave to my goals, not to youtube algorhythm.. I am my own employer and my own employee. I

Productivity 7/10
Energy: 4/10
Mood: 7/10
Ate 1500kcal

December 24th

Productivity: 6/10
Energy 4/10
Mood: 7/10
Drew like 1h
Felt with little energy but also got distracted
I read about golden ratio, fractals, aesthetics and self similarity in art and objects in nature, which took probably somw cognitive effort, but it is still a shit excuse for procrastination. Ate 1600kcal

december 25th

Did 7h of drawing but I also got distracted. Stop being lazy
Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 5/10

December 26th

Exactly the same as yesterday, was somewhat productive but it could habe been more.
Wasted too much time debating with a friend
I also researched a lot about ancient history, ancient technology and the roman empire (completely out of curiosity).

December 27th

After a round of antibiotics, I dont think giardiasis has been cured. I'm still tired all the time and have constipation. I'll have to try another type of antibiotics and or check my water source/provider
Was somewhat productive
Productivity: 6.5/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 4/10
Productivity
December 28th

Wasted a lot of time in the morning and afternoon

Productivity: 6.5/10
Mood: 6/10
Energy: 4/10
Ate 1600kcal

@Bastard I see how doing recreative activities can transform into something productive. However, you can say that about a lot of things. A lot of things could be transformed into a lot of things in the future "potentially", and I tend to justify lazy behaviors with these kind of explanations. We, as human beings, are EXPERTS at making rationalizations. That's the problem with being self employed, or self taught, you don't have an "independent observer" with his own goals that calls you out on your bullshit. My tendency is to jump on one thing, and then to the next, then to the next, and never finish anything. Potential means nothing. Something not finished was never worth starting.
Attached some things I've been working on.

 

[Reservoir]

Sisyphus If your doc tested for reverse t3, she does sound competent. That's a very niche test, only docs who know thyroid hormones well would bother doing it. Most only know TSH and don't even bother testing T3 + T4 (and even less care about free T3 + reverse). I had to ask to get these done a few years ago.

Regarding youtube, I use an extension called Youtube Unhooked for firefox. It hides all video suggestions + comments. Which means the only way to find a video is to type something specific in the searchbar. It prevents me from mindlessly hopping from one video to the next, and I recommend it.

Good luck with your intestinal infection, hope you get better.

 

[enjoyablehat]

December 7th

I'm slowly undoing the colectivist mindset I was raised to accept. I'm giving myself permission to be selfish, that I have no moral obligation whatsoever to give back to my community, being superior to my competition in what I do is not stepping over them. I don't need to hold back.

Love this man - gotta put yourself first. How can you help others or your community if you haven't made yourself a better person? Taking yourself seriously and a you first mentality is key - keep pushing!

 

[Sisyphus]

December 29th

Did 1h of drawing in the morning
Metronidazole is the name of the antiparasitary that I used. I dont feel better, I actually feel worse.
Did about 6hours of drawing
Ate 1500kcal, rode bike and burnt 500kcal
Drank a lettuce and orange juice/smoothie, I think it helps. It has a lot of fiber, magnesium, potassium, and other micronutrients that are good for the gut. Also, I think, it's one of the best carb sources.
Challenging myself makes me feel good. I feel like I have a purpose, a mission. There are few things in life like leveling up
Productivity 7.5/10
Energy 6/10
Mood 8/10

December 30th

Ate 1700kcal, burnt 400kcal biking.
Drawing: 6h
Productivity: 7.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 7/10

December 31st

Ate 1600kcal, burnt 300kcal riding bike

Fucked arpund a lot but resolved an important painting problem, after lots of frustration.

Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 7/10

January 1st
I was struck with lots of self doubt and frustration. Pushed through and I had productive results. Drawing: 4h

Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 7/10
Ate 1700kcal, burnt 500kcal riding bike

January 2nd
There is one thing I've learned this year: DON'T JUMP OFF THE TRAIN.
As exhausting and absurd this treadmill of life can be, there is more suffering if you rest too much. Keep going. Keep your momentum. Life is pretty much all about working on your goals.
Drawing: 5h
Productivity 7.5/10

January 3rd

Woke up feeling extremely insecure, criticizing myself for my past failures
Drawing: 8h
Productivity 9/10
Mood 8/10
Energy 7/10

Ate 1700kcal
Just. Keep. The. Fuck. Going.

January 4th
Stop understimating the amount of rice you eat. You eat DOUBLE. Burn more calories do more excercise. Therefore you have calculated a lot of things wrong.
Fuck, I can barely do 5 pushups.
Ate 1500kcal
Did 50 burpees, which burns about 25kcal, although I guess it increases your metabolic activity.
Probably the most secure thing is do 1hr of bike daily
Installed a cold turkey blocker, and I have an app block in my phone. Not looking back
Finished a very long and tedious project and posted on level up facebook group. 4 more left...

January 5th

I seem to be unable to gain any strength, in fact, I keep losing strength
But I'm making some cardio gains at least, so I'm gonna focus on that.
Signed up to Muay Thai everyday.
I often wonder why the fuck I chose doing art, instead of something more practical and profitable. Sometimes I think it was a bad decision I made years ago, based on youthful emotions and an ignorance on the real possibilities of making money on the Internet and creating your business, and I keep going a stupid path rationalizing it as "working on my passion", "finishing what you started", "not giving up", while in fact it is a mix of sunk cost fallacy, gambler's fallacy, survivorship bias and choice supportive bias. The reality is that it's hard to think logically, pragmatically and long term, on a daily basis, and our emotions also play a part on our happiness.
Created an instagram account for photography. I'm very interested in photography aswell.
Wasted a lot of time going from one place to another. Spent time reading a book but still didnt draw much.
My family put a netflix series on tv. I succesfully resisted the temptation of wasting my time watching it. I still have to work more. I specially need to work on be able to work more.
No more laziness, no more timecwasting. Just.fucking.grind.
Burnt 600kcal riding bike and doing muay thai.
Ate 1900kcal.

Preocutivoty 8/10
Mood 8/10

January 6th

Productivity 8/10

January 7th
Ate 1600kcal, burned 200

January 8th

Drawing 8h
Productivity 8/10
Stay on the path
Write 100 comments
Do personal branding.

January 10th

Lost a bit track of calories last few days
Today I ate 1600 kcal

January 11th

Ate 1650kcal
Drawing: 8h
Productivity 8/10
Mood: 8/10

January 12th

Woke up 6:30
Started again muay thai and drawing atelier (virtual). Feels good, feels like I am back on track

Janiary 13th

Woke up 6:30
Went to Muay Thai. Drawing: 4h. Listened to video/tutorial
Wrote 10 comments on social media. Writing comments is a way of doing good use of social media so I slowly increase my following.
Burnt 250kcal
Ate 1700kcal
Productivity 7/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 6/10

January 14th

Woke up 7:30, missed Muay Thai lesson. Felt pretty tired and muscularly fatigued. I need to get in bed earlier. 12am is not early early enough. 6:30 hours of sleep is not enough. Slowly I'm catching up "hard work momentum" though
Ate 1500kcal


January 15th

Woke up 6:30
Went to bet at 23. Felt pretty fatigued and used that as an excuse. It was also raining. Another excuse. I also missed the bus by 30 seconds
Another excuse, it is not "bad luck", you should have gone out earlier.
Ate 1600kcal
Reading draeing book: 2h
Drawing: 5h
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 5/10
I said I was going to to have 5 pieces in my portfolio and be 8% bodyfat by this date. I failed. I think I tried hard, not my hardest. Something between 70% and 80%.
I overestimated my starting point. In fitness, I was a higher bodyfat than expected. I am at 69.5kg, not even 10%.
In drawing, I still lack understanding of fundamentals. However giving myself the challenge to do portfolio pieces helped me a lot to see where I am lacking. I have reached my limits, I now my strengths and weaknesses. Now I am more purposeful when practicing fundamentals, I have a goal in mind, an end result to achieve, not just random studies. There's no point in making x amount of pieces and taking forever to do something mediocre or bad. You need to really stand out in this field. Completing things doesn't guarantee anything. What matters is the skill level that allows you to produce a lot of good content fast.
15/2/21 for being 8% bodyfat.
15/5/21 for a decent portfolio
15/12/21 for an almost pro level portfolio.
I am mainly going to focus on art this year, while I keep trying to integrate cold approach in my lifestyle, which has been the hardest for me, I was only able to approach when I went full in and had the as program momentum.

Attached pics of current physique and other pics of pieces I've been working with.

 

[Lostcause]

Fuck, I can barely do 5 pushups.

15/2/21 for being 8% bodyfat.

Is there really a point in further cuting at this point? Sounds like you should rather focus on building lean muscle mass. It kinda sounds like you are burning through your muscle for the sake of reaching the goal

 

[Sisyphus]

Fuck, I can barely do 5 pushups.

15/2/21 for being 8% bodyfat.

Is there really a point in further cuting at this point? Sounds like you should rather focus on building lean muscle mass. It kinda sounds like you are burning through your muscle for the sake of reaching the goal

I'm burning through my strength, based on photos when I started the cut I have kept my muscle mass. The loss of strength has more to do with an overall loss of health and stamina that I have been experiencing for the last 6 months or so, which was probably caused by a parasitic infection that I'm treating right now. Luckily, this doesn't affect my muscle mass, but it does affect my strength, endurance and overall performance. I don't care too much about my lifts, I train mostly for aesthetics, and I know I will regain my strength in the future. I'm going as slowly as I can in my cut in order to avoid muscle mass loss.

 

[Thebastard]

How's the muay thai going? Pretty hard core sport - do you do it just for fitness and calorie burning or do you plan (or have you) compete?

 

[Sisyphus]

Hey, Bastard,
For the moment I just do it for fun/self confidence and calorie burning. In the future I'd like to compete, but I'm still barely above newbie level. It's pretty damn hard to get good at martial arts.
Recently, in a sparring session, I almost hurt my right foot badly due to sloppy technique. Thankfully it wasn't a big deal.
It has been teaching me to control my emotions and my ego.

 

[Sisyphus]

January 16th

Ate 1600kcal
Drawing 4h
Productivity: 7/10

January 17th
Ate 1500kcal
Woke up 6:30 am

Progressively eat less and less carbs so you keep cutting down calories.
Burnt 200kcal riding bike.

Productivity: 8.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10

January 18th

Woke up 6:30
Went to Muay Thai
Need to go to bed earlier
I don't know if it is that I have been a long time without doing anything muay thai wise but damn I feel those kicks. Maybe I'm getting weaker.
Reminder: being tanned is good! Dont be untaned.
My cholesterol and triglicerides are very high and my energy is shit even though I'm eating carbs. So perhaps it's just a matter of caloric restriction. Last time I cut out carbs I did lose muscle. So perhaps no.
It is good that I got my mental shit together but now I have to get back to the grind.
Need to go to odontologist to see what's going on with my gingivitis (the area around my teeth has been bleeding for years. Ever since I practiced oral sex to a girl. I suspect it is some kind of bacteria). I read an article that connects gingivitis and hyperlipidemia (high triglicerides and cholesterol).
I feel unsure to approach without my master pua armor (aka good clothes).
I'm too self conscious and autistically obsessed with my looks, even when I was able to approach I couldnt if I was badly dressed. But I could change my clothes straight after training, so this is all a big fucking excuse.
Use fear of failure as a motivator.
Saw a Jason capital video where he talks that even when he goes out and offers money in public he gets rejected (perhaps people intuitively think it's a scam, which I'm not positive it isn't).
I always have the dilemma of winning or being happy. Yes, improving myself, doing something to improve my situation, etc, makes me happy, to certain point. After a certain point of satisfaction, there are diminishing returns for your effort. Rationally, if happiness is my end goal in life, being hyper competitive doesn't make much sense. But fuck it. Why should the goal of life be to rationally make your self happy? A lot of times I have the desire of WINING, that agressive, primal, irrational drive. But it sometimes leads me to endless frustration and insatisfaction, because I always set myself very ambitious goals. So I must accept that frustration and keep going. I know that if I take self improvement to an extreme it's detrimental, I may end up going crazy or depressed or both and everything would be lost, I would be worse than where I started. I used to reject the idea of being mediocre or average but now I realize it is perfectly ok, I'm not morally superior (nor inferior) for trying to improve myself. So it is a good idea to keep a bare minimum of happiness and mental health and then go balls to the wall. I also care about validation, I would be lying if I said I don't. I want to be seen as a hard worker, as a good person (at least by my moral standards), as someone masculine, with leadership.

I think happiness, being stable and satisfied, is important, but I also like the adrenaline rush, the thrill, of facing a challenge, the sense of a target, a goal, a better place to go, a problem to solve, even a THREAT, something to HUNT, even if going after it involves a lot of frustration and unhappiness.


Drawing:8h
Ate 1700kcal, burnt 200 in muay thai
Productivity: 8/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 5/10

January 19th

Woke up at 8am
Anxoety is not bad. Use it in yout favor
Drawing: 8h
Productivity: 8/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 6/10
Ate 1700kcal burnt 300 doing cardio

January 20th

Woke up 7:30 am
Cut my hair
Drawing: 5h
Ate 1700kcal burnt 200kcal riding bike. Feeling more and more tired.
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 5/10

January 21st

Drawing: 5h
Ate 1700kcal, burnt 200.
Productivity: 7/10
Mood:6/10
Energy: 5/10

Felt kinda sad today. Depression is a bitch always lurking in the background...


January 22nd

Woke up 6:30 am. Went to muay thai. Felt pretty depressed the first half of the day. It is good to have failsafe measures when things get gloomy so I don't panic. Some things I do: talk to a friend, give a hug to my mum or tell I love her, remember that I felt like this in the past and made it through, take it jokingly (having a good sense of humor can save you from going insane).
Trying to cold approach today made me feel alive.
Use anxiety in your favor. Use fear as a powerful stimulus, a feeling of challenge.
Went out with the intention to approach, but couldnt do it.... fuck
I feel that if get over approach anxiety again I will be able to balance cold approach with drawing.
I'm still happy that I recovered the drive to approach and I look better than ever.
Ate 1500kcal
Burnt 200kcal in Muay thai. Feeling pretty shitty in regards to energy.
Drawing: 6h
Read 20 pages of painting book
Productivity 7/10
Mood 6/10
Energy 6/10

January 23rd

Wish I could force myself to be in a state of crazy obsession 24/7. Wish I could feel motivated without being a victim of mindless greed.
LACK OF STIMULI IS VERY INPORTANT. WE ARE OVERSTIMULATED
Read 10 pages for college
Drawing: 3h

January 24th

My sense of time got distorted during the pandemic. I remember bad approaches experiences much more closer in time than good ones.
Scapism in the right amounts is ok
As you advance in your self improvement journey, and you yourself advance, things get HARDER. You either adapt or give up and hide away.
I'm happy with the path I'm in. I have made a ton of mistakes but I'm slowly figuring things out.
I'm trying to motivate myself with movies and series I want to watch (instead of meaningless distractions). But I'm only able to watch them if I have a 9/10 weekly productivity average or higher. Create a system of rewards and punishments, sort of like McDonalds employee of the month and such.
Back in gll I set the goal of being a millionaire. It clearly didnt work out well for me. It simply wasn't authentic. I was just pressured by media, including self improvement. I'm more motivated by knowledge, meaning and creativity. The problem is, how do you measure your progress there? The best way I found is to measure the time you spend in certain area of knowledge. My main goal is to provide maximum value. With what I know I could perhaps make drawing course and use good marketing and overprice it. But I prefer to actually help people instead of teaching things I haven't done myself. I don't want to be another internet scammer.
Had a burst 9f concentration and productivity. Wish I had these more frequently, fuck. I dont know how to go berserk mode willingly. It has to do with deadlines and challenges
I'm really gonna crush it this year. I will fight a WAR against laziness.
You are going to deliver DEADLINES on time. Fuck your laziness. You dont have the right to be lazy.
No days off. Your easy days are over. HARD TIMES are coming.
You need to create a reliable pipeline.
YOU WILL BE ABLE TO BE LAZY LATER.

No MERCY with laziness.

Productivity 6/10
Mood 7/10
Energy 5/10
January 25th

Woke up 6:30
Drawing: 6h
Studying for school: 2h
Organized stuff on social media (basically, link tree on my instagram)
Download reference and 3d models

Watched a chapter of the last kingdom, with a friend. I voluntarily decided to do so, so it is not a waste of time.
Productivity: 8/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 5/10

January 26th

Drawing: 5h
Productivity: 7.5/10
mood: 7/10
energy: 5/10
Good mindsets:
Adversity is GOOD because it gives me the opportunity to GROW. Even my own fucks up are good in that sense (not in every sense).
How can I fix this? There's no point in thinking in past mistakes.
Don't think.
Thing that I want to develop this year: PIPELINE. A work habit/rourine that delivers good results.
Have the discipline of doing LESS

January 27th

Walked around for 20min, didnt talk to a single girl.
drawing: 5h
productivity: 7.5/10
mood: 7/10
energy: 5/10

january 28th

decided to take this week as a refeed, without counitng calories, then I will go back to cutting next week with full power, with the advantage of a faster metabolism

productive day. having a project/deadline/OTHER people that are expecting to see something from you definitely helps with the sense of purpose/achievement. i have a clearer idea of what I will do in the next 2 years. i'm definetely gonna experience exponential growth in art.
I need to create the same positive feedback loop with getting laid
the block of distractions has been very succesful.

productivity: 8/10
mood: 9/10
energy: 6/10

january 29th

woke up 6:30 am, went to muay thai.
i have been weighting the advantages and disadvantages, as I always do, of specialization vs being a generalist. i really want to know a variety of things
. but of course it comes with the cost of not being that good iat anything, or you will take longer to get there. there's always a price to everything.
being a generalist may have economic advantages, as I would be able to have a apply to a wider variety of jobs.
a very important concept is ikigai, the coincidence between financial viability, usefulness to others, natural predisposition and personal enjoyment. the important thing is that the work I do gets me to where I want to be in the future.
financial things to do with art:

made a lot of reading and thinking, drew little.
productivity: 7/10
mood: 8/10
energy: 6.5/10

january 30th

basically read and flexed my mind all day. read about art related math: metallic means, dynamic rectangles, plastic number and super golden ratio. succesfully resisted the temptation of watching a movie with family.

january 31st

felt very fatigued, with muscular pain.
it's important to keep your cool and calmness. dont go between extreme moods
specialization vs generalism
there are two limitations to generalism: mental space. it's hard to use 'different parts of the brain' (different ways of thinking). the second is time and labour capacity. not only the amount you can learn within a certain time period, but also the amount of work you can do with that knowledge.
there's also the factor that companies take you more seriously if you do just one thing.
i can specialize first and branch out later.
it is a useful question to ask myself, if I had to choose only one field, what would that be. it would definitely be character design. not only it's what interests me most, but also i think it's the least replaceable with 3d (more on that later). also, figure drawing is the most difficult, and most important (imo) skill in art. character design is a highly competitive and desired position. it would be harder to compete there, but it would force me to work really hard on those fundamental skills. it would be easier to go from character design to environment design rather than the other way around
advantages of 2d over 3d
-gesture, poses
-expressions
-different characters in a scene
-color and light
-stylization and personal style
for environment design, specially hard surface, i think 3d and or techniques such as photobashing have the upper hand
I could also do keyframes (characters within a scene/space/environment) that would require knowledge of both anatomy/figure drawing and perspective
I could learn first the basics of 3d an many different things and then choose what to specialize into.

at the same time DO WHAT YOU WANT.

february 1st

woke up 6:30 am. went to muay thai.
bought condoms. for some reason this is something that caused me a lot of anxiety.
GO WITH FULL FORCE. OBLITERATE YOUR GOALS. NO MERCY. YOU ARE IN A WAR. YOU HAVE AN ENEMY: YOUR INNER LOSER.
.
drawing: 6h. social media 30min. read book for 1h. got distracted with guitar, whatsapp and researching meaningless stuff on wikipedia (an article about buenos aires. feeling homesick perhaps)
productivity: 7.5/10
mood: 8/10
energy: 6.5/10
ate 1500kcal (back to dieting)

february 2nd

woke up 6:30 am went to muay thai.
perhaps reading about buenos aires yesterday was not a waste of time. realized that it is a pretty fuckinh good place to live (and to live the player lifestyle), -besides crazy inflation rates, moderately high crime rates in some places (in the metropolitan area though, not buenos aires proper), endemic corruption and a philo communist national and provintial governments (but the city government is liberal/capitalist, as historically has been).
My finantial mediocrity doesnt help humanity. i'd like to blame my mediocrity to my sorroundings but it is all my fault.
it sucks that I wasted so much potential because of my mental problems, indecision or having confusing ideas
FORCE YOURSELF TO TALK TO ONE GIRL. only ONE. thats DOABLE. if you cant, ask for time. you are going to be humiliated bro. you are gonna face frustration. accept that. move forward. keep going.
this is perhaps one of the roughest parts of my journey.
ate 1500kcal
drawing: 5h
reading: 1h
Productivity 7.5
Need to be MORE productive

february 3rd
woke up 6:30 am. went to muay thai.
let an approach oppprtunity (group of 3 girls) SLIP by.
DONT hesitate. WAR MENTALITY.
DONT THINK.

another thing where 2d is superior to 3d: sketching. being able to draw from imagination is like having a strong squat or deadlift, it improves everything else. a lot of my ideas have arised thanks to random doodling
even if I go fully 3d, 2d would still be part of the pipeline, in the initial stages of the creative process.
, but I'm feeling happier everyday and my future looks good, I just have to keep going
my brain torments me everyday with thoughts, but some of them might become good ideas. I always ask myself:
-how can I become an effective and productive machine.
-how I can optimize my process and environment so that I can flow easily
-how can I leverage technology so that I dont have to do the work
-how can I leverage other people's work capacity.
a lot of great artists like rubens or bernini employed other artists in their workshops. human labour is still probably the #1 form of capital. capital is related to a way of experiencing time, specifically, long term thinking. qhile money or stuff are things that have a certain amount of value now and tend to depreciate over time, an asset is something that 1) pays you regularly 2) its value compounds over time (if you invest the earnings it gave you)
evnetually I'd like to have my own concept art studio.
pay attention to logos on artstation!
I'm rethinking my opinion about logos. they can be a great tool for learning design. I also see a lot of logos on artstation pictures. they can really add to the overall feel of a project.
I'm gonna download a ton of logos from different companies and eras, even coats of arms perhaps (they are probably proto-logos?) I want to find patterns and trends in different ages and different types of brands (private pr public organization, sector of the economy, identity of the company, values. etc.). this kind of "underlying" design stuff fascinates me even more than drawing nice pictures.

photo editing seems pretty interesting as well, I can learn a lot about lighting, rendering, values, color, texture details, photobashing, etc.


ate 1500kcal can't wait to finish this cut!
drawing: 6h
productivity: 7.75/10
mood: 9/10
energy: 6.5/10

february 4th

woke up 6:30 am. went to muay thai.
skipped another good approach opportunity. my situation with approach anxiety is desperate, I cant even visualize myself apprpachingcand I cringe at the idea of approaching. fuck that. BE CRINGE.
walked around twenty minutes, couldnt approach.
freedom of choice=decision fatigue.
the price of being independent, either in money or relationships is a fuck ton of stress. but the rewards are worth the effort
it is important to have a good time qhen you approach
had the opportunity of approaching one girl at the grocery store. Asked her for the time. baby steps. this means a lot actually, I'm basically starting from scratch. she was really hot. she seemed very sweet (at least by the way she talked to the employee). Having the prospect of having a wife like that

DO BOTH 2D AND 3D. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. You are on the right path.

i'm listening to a lot of videos about economics. I found it very interesting that value is so subjective and tied to human and psychological factors
division of labor is a very important concept too

stability and trust is key for economic growth. this is true for my life too

a free market economy is the most efficient way of re allocating resources. I’m brainwashing myself with classical liberalism
ate 1500kcal
drawing: 30min. reading: 4h
productivity: 7/10
mood: 8/10
energy: 6/10
february 5th

woke up 6:30 went to muay thai
had sparring and did some stupid things. I hate losing so I let my short term emotions take the best of me. on the other hand I feel alive when I am competing, I like that agressive part of me.
this goes against me when I cold approach, because I hate being rejected
it's easier for me to approach with other people because I'm competing.
asked a girl for the time. then asked another thing. baby steps
now that I've cooled down mentally and physically I realize how dumb I was, I let my ego, my monkey mind control me. now I can barely walk. And now I have another perfect excuse not to approach.
know your adversaries' argument better than them.
February 7th

woke up 8:20 am
listened to a podcast with the founder of platzi, a latin american online education startup. summary
what a CEO does:
-brings a vision to the company. what to do and most important what NOT to do.
-Hires the best team of high performing people. A company is not one person, it is a group of people. Being a leader is not just giving orders, it involves a lot of negotiation. Individuals can start a fire but only groups can extinguish one. A company is not a family. You cant fire your family if they underperform
-Makes sure the company survives. a company dies when there is no more cashflow. most companies have a life expectancy inferior to the average person.
a CEO doesnt do "what he loves".
Being a founder requires not having fear of failure. You can effectively put a lot of effort for 10 years and fail miserably. when you work a job you have guarantee, a stable income. if you do what you are told, you receive your reward. when you are on your own, everything is more chaotic and uncertain. effort doesnt equal reward. it is like cold approach, even if there's no risk, you subject yourself to pain and humiliation without a guaranteed outcome. You might be that guy who's obsessed about getting laid but doesn't get laid.
You basically have to overcome human nature.
success=skills+contacts

the training has to be so intense that the war is relaxing

creating a startup (specially a software startup) is not so much like building a building, but more like gardening a garden. it is dynamic, it changes. if you stop keeping the garden it dies. that's why passive income is a bit of a delusion, a business is not a rent.

Good companies are not unicorns, they are cockroaches, they survive the most cataclysmic event. Be a cockroach.
-‐--------

I think myself as a content creator. I dont want to be an artisan that creates handicrafts. I want to be a designer that creates intellectual property.

ate 1500kcal. Drawing: 1h Reading: 6h
Productivity 7.5/10
mood: 8/10
energy: 6/10

when your body is damaged, your body synthetizes endorphines to alliviate the pain. the same is true for psychological trauma. this is to say, coping is a healthy mechanism. it's not all about stoically facing pain. but this doesn't mean that you have to rely on an external medicine (although this is not "bad" either). when you are endangered or in pain, not only you are forced to develop strategies to improve your situation or remove the source of that pain, but you are also forced to develop mechanisms to feel good even in the worse of situations.

February 8th

Drawing: 2h
Reading: 6h
Ate 1700kcal
Productivity 7.5/10
mood: 8/10
energy: 6/10

February 9th

Drawing: 0h
Reading: 6h
Ate 1700kcal
Productivity 7/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10

went out to approach. wandered for around 1h FAIL. Only asked for the hour to one girl.

February 10th
woke up 6:30 went to muay thai
went out to apprpach but failed

February 11th
woke up 6:30 went to muay thai
didnt approach
Ate 1500kcal
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10

February 12th
woke up 6:30 went to muay thai
had one opportunity to approach, didnt do it.
listened a little bit a video from a guy that does logos
-the amount you are paid is not just about you, the value of your work, it's about THE CLIENT you are working with (the more valuable the client, the more they can pay. also, if they are a bigger company, your service is going to generate more revenues. your service can be like a multiplier for their sales).
-charge for value, not for time. time is money, and time is your most valuable asset. that means that you shouldn't sell your time, it's too valuable. you should your ideas/experience/skills/product/technology/etc, not a labor that's limited to your time and energy. money should work for you, not the other way around. however this mentality doesnt apply for me yet, I should get my ego aside and accept that I'm still in the lower ranks.
How to stack the deck in your favor (basic machiavellism): you give them the choice between a option that's favorable to you and another that's slightly less favorable. The trick is that you are the one handing the cards.
selling is about the state of your prospect

Did a cold immersion bath. Muay Thai teacher recommended it for recovery. it felt really good. But the bathroom flooded. So I have to go back to cold showers.

Damn, I hate when things like plumbing or electricity or internet dont work. Forget the lamborghini and the house on Beverly Hills, I want to be able to pay people that can fix my problems so I dont even have to THINK about them. I want my head thinking on important things, not some immediate logistical problem.

When I was younger, we had a maid in our house. I miss that. I miss being upper middle class.
Wealth is so weird. There are so many levels. One of them is social class. It took me a lot of time to accept that I really want to be on the upper end of the spectrum.

important thought: You will do a very limited number of projects/things in your life. You better think very well where you are going to put your attention. It's like boxing match, it's better to hit one or two knock-out punches than to make a hundred of aimless weak attacks.

Productivity 6.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10

February 13th
I'm ANGRY. I dont have what I want and I am not doing enough to have it
Rode bike, ate 1700kcal
Productivty: 7/10
Mood: 6/10
Energy: 5/10
Music helps me a lot to improve my mood.

Financial things I need to learn:
-Value my work!
-Improve my relationship with money. Like literally love cash. Instead of feeling bad/guilty about it.
-ASK for money. Learn to raise capital. Stop feeling that debt is bad. Excess spending is bad. Excess frugality is bad.
-My mentality is to create LUXURY PREMIUM ITEMS
Problem with platforms like fiverr is, the other person is setting the price. Move on to something better as soon as you can.
February 14th

Slept pretty badly
Ate 1600kcal
Reading: 3h
Drawing: 2h
I forgot how much I enjoyed drawing. I just need to be less perfectionistic.

February 15th
Again had trouble sleeping. Felt very anxious. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Couldnt avoid watching videos about logos. I'm obsessed and I cant turn my brain off

Additional thoughts:
-I lost about 0.5kg... in one month. The last few % of body fats are the hardest. Things I probably miscalculated: I probably don't burn as many calories in Muay Thai as I thought. Need to add some low intensity cardio (bike). I didn't account for the fat I use to cook. I also underestimated the amount of meat I eat. Fatty cuts have quite a lot of calories.
-Approach anxiety: I hide behind excuses like it's not my number one goal, I live too far away from downtown, lockdown restrictions make approach harder, I'm not lean yet, I haven't approached in a long time so I have approach anxiety again... The reality is I need to get in there and execute.
-Art: I need to define my goal more clearly. My brain is divided between working on fiverr doing illustrations and logos for a while so I can have some income now and then work on getting a job as character designer of a videogame company or focus exclusively on the latter now until I achieve success.

 

[Reservoir]

Need to go to odontologist to see what's going on with my gingivitis (the area around my teeth has been bleeding for years. Ever since I practiced oral sex to a girl. I suspect it is some kind of bacteria)

Same here. Right after I started sleeping with a bunch of tinder girls in January, the bleeding started (not to mention the 2 anginas). Coincidence, or is it the sudden foreign bacteria exposure?

 

[Sisyphus]

February 16th

Rode bike. Ate 1700kcal
Drawing: 6h
Reading: 1h
Prpductivity: 8/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10

February 17th

Drawing: 6h
Rode bike
Atr 1700kcal
Productivity: 8/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 6/10



February 18th

woke up 6:30am. went to muay thai
Rode bike
Advantages of going freelance on fiverr:

white boy
third world country
can draw better than competition

Ate 1700kcal
Fucked up and wasted time
Productivity: 6.5/10


February 19th

one of my goals is to do livestream of me drawing and painting
Fucked up and wasted time.
Productivity: 6/10

Atec1700kcal

February 20th

Thought about creating my own videogame development/publisher startup. Or maybe a concept art/game art/modelling outsourcing company. Getting a lot of ideas.

DAMN i need to start doing BJJ. One of the things I'll do when I make money.

February 21st

Ate 1400kcal
Rode bike
Productivity 7.5/10
Mood: 8.5/10
Energy: 7/10
feeling pretty tense/anxious everyday
I'm having some ideas about making a latin american Studio Ghibli or a latin american Blizzard. That would be a dope startup.
Made a budgeting spreadsheet on excel, planning for when I move out.
Made a list on word a out advantages and disadvantages of working freelance. I'm debating a friend thats trying, with the best intentions, to kill my dream. But I'm giving him compelling rational reasons of why working freelance on fiverr is better than working for the government or most private organizations. Social security is bullshit, you can set aside your own savings for difficult times. it just happens that human nature is short term and cant take responsible financial decisions and needs an external entity to take care of him.
some more advanced hustlers would even say fuck savings and spend every penny and that will force you to work more.
Need to stop making my own food and spend money in eating out to save TIME.
Went to bed late and had trouble sleeping.

February 22nd

Videogames tend to be considered as a waste of time/entertainment. But what if I can use its addictiveness to educate/bring something of value to the player? The games I have fond memories of have some kind of story or message or underlying logic or ethos. Games like fifa or counter strike are the ones I regret playing

Game art outsourcing company definitely seems more reasonable, for some reason

February 23rd

woke up 6:30 went to muay thai. Let 5 girls that I wanted to approach slip by.
I noticed that I havent thought exactly what I'd like to buy. On one hand, the thing that makes me most interested about money is that it's one of the most objective indicators of your real performance that exist. I see it as a benchmark of what most people agree is valuable. On the other hand, it is vital to solve a lot of practical problems: administrative/repetitive tasks, things that break, technical knowledge that is outside of your expertise, mentoring/coaching/education, traveling, saving your life/well being. Money is very useful. It's crazy that I have denied its value for so long. But I also want to buy some luxuries. I'm not much into cars. I'm ok qith using the public transport. I do want a huge beautiful mansion. I'm really into classical architecture.
I'd like to have an apartament in a big city and a huge house in the countryside, with lots of land and cattle. I also want to travel to: US (New York and LA), Europe (London, Paris, Rome, Madrid, Berlin and St Petersburg) and Asia (Tokio, Hong Kong and Seoul). I want to live in some of these places for a relatively long time (1 year) and learn language, culture, erc. I'm trying to visualize this things with specificity and intensity.
Perhaps what I don't like is ostentation (showing off on social media). I like luxury and would enjoy the comforts many can afford, but I'd rather enjoy it privately. Just like getting laid.

It is astonishing to me that most people are willing to expose their privacy on social media but are afraid to show their face in a forum like this, that is much less likely to use your information illicitly

February 24th

Woke up 6:30. Went to Muay Thai. Asked directions to one girl. Held eye contact with a woman across the street for 5 seconds. One of the things that makes me the most anxious is approaching in public transport.

Ate 1500kcal
Reading: 3h
Productivity: 6.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 5/10

February 25th
Woke up 6:30 went to muay thai
Ate 1500kcal
Reading/studying: 4h
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 4/10

February 26th
Woke up 6:30 went to Muay Thai
ate 1650kcal
studying: 5h
Productivity: 7.5/10
Mood: 7/10
Energy: 6/10

February 27th
woke up late
ate 1650kcal
Productivity: 7.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Energy: 5/10

February 28th
woke up late
ate 1700kxal
rode bike (250kcal)
Studying: 6h
Productivity: 7.5/10


march 1st

woke up late
ate 1800kcal
rode bike (250kcal)
Studying: 6h
Prodyctivity: 7.5/10
wasted lots of time watching mma/muay thai/boxing clips

March 2nd

studied all day
Productivity: 9/10

March 3rd

studied all day
productivity 8.5/10

March 4th
Ate 1600kcl

March 5th

Excel spreadsheet, researching about bills and taxes: 5h
Drawing: 1h
Productivity: 7.5/10
Mood: 8/10

March 6th
Wasted tons of time watching mma and muay thai videos.
Again, been reading about taxes/bills to get a general idea of my lifestyle cost.
Also made a list of things I want to buy (designer clothes, seminars, travel, mortgage)

March 7th

Researched about the basics of the stock market.
I've been feeling good lately in terms of mood.
Recently I remembered the times in my virgin teenage years (2011) when I messed around with Linux. One thing I was really interested in was different desktop environments (gnome, kde, lxde), and I would try different themes/eyecandy. Guess I was always attracted to visual design, including UI/UX.
Did 50 burpees.
Productivity: 7/10
Mood: 8/10

March 8th
Woke up 6:30am
Let 5 girls that I wanted to talk to slip by. I'm still a fucking pussy.
Held or tried to hold eye contact with about 3 women though
Been relistening some of the old gll videos, specifically the success principles. Damn, I needed to hear some pep talk. Take action, work harder not smarter, failure sucks but not trying will be your greatest regret, define success etc. Those are fucking goldmines, arguably better than the get laid stuff. There is also this other video, the number one reason entrepreneurs quit and that really hit home. In contrast to the other videos, here he goes a little bit easier. One of the things that sets him apart from other gurus is his sports background.
I could relate a lot to his hockey anecdote. I was exactly the same for tennis, naturally talented but with a shitty mindset and huge ego that stunted my growth.

March 9th
Woke up 6:30 am went to muay thai
Yesterday I watched a video where a guy demistified wing chun (and basically most martial arts that are not tested in a practical situation). He was a practitioner himself for many years and slowly stopped "believing" once he started sparring with people from other types of training. Main lesson is, it is always good to maintain a healthy dose of skepticism. This is one situation where working smart not hard does apply. I mean, just think about all the money and, more important, time, YEARS that these people invest into mastering these essentially useless coreographies. Just because you put into a lot of work into something it doesn't mean you're gonna be succesful. Working hard makes things even worse, because you are even more reluctant to give things up, you have fallen in love with your achievements so much that you can't get out of that box (sunk cost or concorde effect).

The problem with trying to work 'smart' is when you think you can skip testing things empirically and just figure it all on your own and make theories out of your imagination that sound good and seem to make sense but don't actually work in the real world. When reality contradicts your beliefs you make excuses and keep searching for more information that confirms your beliefs.

A genuinely scientific attitude is just the opposite, one of curiosity, of constant questioning. You have to be humble and open for feedback from others that are able to view you more objectively.
Chris certainly had that experience with the pua community. Sometimes I'm skeptical of the gll dogmas too. Yes, it is possible to get laid through cold approach, there is evidence for that.

However, the evidence for the quality (hotness, status) of the girls is sometimes a little bit more shaky. When met with criticism in this particular aspect, I've seen people coming up with bullshit excuses similar to the pua community (beauty is subjective blah blah blah). If cold approach is so effective, why 99% of guys I know in real life that get laid do so through social circle or have a girlfriend? There is evidence for that in gll too. There is also evidence in gll for guys trying their hardest with cold approach and achieving results inferior to expected. All of the sudden things like looks and demographics (shithole city, less demand for men in the sexual market thanks to dating apps, etc) can shift the odds against you ever so slightly that it makes 'going all in' not worth it if you account for the time cost and psychological cost (moments of high stress/anxiety, deflated self esteem, social burn out, etc).

Chris was an already good looking guy with social and sexual experience in one of the best cities in the world for getting laid, in a particular stage of his life. But even Chris said that most of his lays came from the party scene. I'm not saying let's give up self improvement because there are things that we can't control, my situation is not perfect etc, but rather, let's not follow an idea fanatically and expect things to magically work in our favor. That's the definition of wishful thinking.

I'm facing the same feelings of disbelief towards drawing. It's something aesthetically pleasant that doesn't have much usefulness (it does though, in some contexts, for example, in the development stages of some entertainment products, or for advertising/promoting those products). The difference is, the main reason I did it in the first place was because it looked good and I enjoyed. But I still made these assumptions:
1-if I worked on my passion, money would follow.
2-if I worked on my passion I would
enjoy my work so much that it wouldn't be work and I wouldn't need much money to live.
3-I couldn't be happy with anything else
I have been questioning these assumptions:
1-No, money doesn't just magically fall from the sky. Unless you are solving problems for other people, no one is coming to save you, no matter how passionate you are or how much you feel you deserve praise.
2-Not exactly, you do one thing for enough time and it becomes a little bit repetitive. Anything that involves money, deadlines and accountability automatically becomes work. You are human, and sometimes you just won't be "in the zone". Not every project is the same, not every client is the same, some will be more fun, some will be more boring.
You need certain amount of money to live. You need money to travel, you need money to buy a house, you need money if a fatal accident happens to you or your family, you need money to help others or support your family, you need money to buy equipment, you need money to have access to education. You also have a big ego and want to buy luxury items that make you feel important.
3-While there are certain professions that are a no, there others that I enjoy or can learn to enjoy where making money is easier (graphic design, more technical 3d jobs, etc.).

March 10th
Woke up 6:30am went to muay thai.
What I'm starting to understand is that you can weight pros and cons to everything, and you can use any argument to justify anything. At the end of the day though you have to trust your instinct and take your shot, take the chance of making mistakes. it's almost always better to make decisions, win or lose, than doing nothing.

March 11th
Felt completely exhausted after sparring yesterday (both from the hits and muscle soreness).
Ate 1600kcal

March 12th
Reading/Research about economics 6h
Ate 1600kcal
Productivity: 7.0
Mood: 7.0

March 13th
Ate 1600kcal
Reading/Research about economics 6h
Productivity: 7.0

March 14th

Reading: 3h
Drawing: 1h.
Damn I forgot how much I enjoyed drawing.
Rode bike (burnt 200kcal)
Ate 1500kcal

:arrow: First pic (above) is before the cut (12/15/20) second pic (below) is after the cut . (3/15/21)
I'm lean (about 10% bodyfat) but I'm not crazy lean. In the next 21 days I want to get to 8% bodyfat. Reasons:
-It looks better
-I want to break my last " leaness PR".
-It gives me more room for bulking after the cut.
. My scale is fucked up I think, it varies a lot (at the same time of the day, empty bladder). I believe it changes with temperature but that's just speculation. Today I weighted 69.2kg but a few days ago 68.5kg.

:arrow: Didn't made a lot of progress with my illustration porftolio, made a lot of bullshit excuses, like I have to study for x final or researching about economics or the videogame industry.

To be honest I know I have to drop out school in order to be succesful with illustration, I can't juggle both, I'm already a perfectionist and I'm bad at doing things at a bare minimum standard. I'm scared about what my parents are gonna think. I know it's completely irrational, but it's still hard to pull the trigger.

Neither my therapist nor my best friend support me dropping out of school. That's the reason why I felt I needed to make a 5 pages word document arguing in favor of my position. One of the points I argue is why freelancing and/or working remotely in this day and age is better than many traditional jobs, why they are not that secure, why social security is inferior vs earning more and managing your own savings for retirement/in case shit happens, etc. (as long as you are responsable and not spend everything). It's not 100% procrastination to research about this, but from this point onwards I think it's mental masturbation.

Luckily I have been connecting with people that are succesful with freelance illustration, that helps to keep my morale high/believe I can do it.

What has also been torturing my mind is that there seems to be so many opportunities. I have been seriously considering something more profitable than illustration (copywriting, marketing, coding). I feel a lot of FOMO and I feel guilty about leaving money on the table. The answer to that is, I will probably be able to make ends meet if I go serious at illustration. As long as I do something seriously, instead of not doing anything because of indecision, I won't regret it.

:arrow: I have been slacking in the girls department too, besides trying to meet up unsuccesfully with girls on Tinder.
My logistics suck for getting laid, but:
1) I could still approach girls. I hate feeling that approach anxiety is owning me.
2) I could still find a way to get laid at the girls' house.

:arrow: So, my short mid term goals:
1) Make 5 portfolio pieces (render my already existing sketches, actually).
2) Get to 8% bodyfat
3) If I accomplish the above, cold approach 30 girls.

Reservoir I don't really know. Now I remember, I also started to use a mouthguard at the time I developed gingivitis, so it could be that.