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Gabriel's log

March 16th
Pussed out, let 4 girls slip by.
Ate 1700kcal
Drawing: 7h
Felt pretty burnt out, probably because of my left leg still recovering. Need to go lighter on sparring, it is not profitable to be disabled.
Productivity: 8.0
Mood: 9.0

March 16th


Ate 1600kcal
Drawing: 2h
Productivity: 7.0/10
Mood: 7.0/10

March 17th

I'm sitting here, after walking forc1h trying to approach. Approach anxiety came back with a vengeance.
Asked one girl for directions. She smiled at me a lot :). Felt pretty good inmediatly aftwrwards but anxiety came back. Got checked out 3 or 4 times. I'm definitely above average looking at this point. I'm still trying to get validation though. I wont rest until I'm able to approach without hesitation, without feeling bad after a rejection or creeped out reaction (which scare me the most)
I'm broke, I don't get laid, I feel like a loser, but I'm a happy man with a dream. The underdog narrative can be very powerful.

Ate 1800kcal

March 19th

Ate 1800kcal
Went to Muay Thai and did my first tenis lesson in ages
Researching/Reading: 2h
Productivity: 6.5

March 21st

Reading 5h
Productivity: 7.0
Ate 1800kcal
Felt very fatigued the days after muay thai and tenis

March 22nd

Reading/listening to business related content 4h
Productivity: 6.0 I'm reaching a point of diminishing returns on reading things. it's no longer productive

March 23rd

Important: Be NORMAL. Sometimes this self improvement thing can put you in very weird mental places.

Laughter is very important

Ate 1800kcal
Reading: 3h
Productivity: 6.0/10
Mood: 7.0/10

March 24th

Time wasted: 3h
Productivity: 6.0/10

March 25th

Woke up 6:30 went to muay thai
Asked one girl for the time and another for directions.
Let 4 good chances slip by.
Did some tedious work for college
Wasted lots of time, played guitar a lot.
Productivity: 6.0/10
Ate 1500kcal

March 26th

Reading: 3h
Wasted lots of time.
Felt useless, lazy and like a waste of space.

March 27th
Productivity 6.0/10
Ate 1600kcal
Need to stop being so philosophical and start to have more COMMON SENSE. More WORK, less talk.
You know when you are doing things right. Stop worrying about ethics.

March 28th

Reading: 5h
Productivity: 6.5/10
Mood: 8/10
Ate 1600kcal

March 29th

Woke up 6:30. Went to Muay Thai
Hung out with a guy from muay thai. Working class dude, younger than me, came to this city a few months ago from a poorer province.
Very hard working and motivated dude.
He worked in manual labor, and now is working as a pizza cook (but he quit his last job cause the hoven was old/broken so he always burnt his arm)
He was quite extroverted too, supposedly he cold approached some and got laid.
Had some crazy stories too, on one occasion he was involved in an accident with his motorcycle and almost died (like, he was dead for some minutes and the doctors reanimated him).
For some reason the first time I fought this guy I knew he was "from the school of hard knocks". As esoteric as it may sound, you can tell from the look of the eyes of a person when they have the thick skin, the inner drive etc etc.
He had his share of insecurities like most of us, but overall carries himself around in a way different than most people. I'm trying to mimic his positive outlook on life.
The conclusion is, comfort does really kill you. Lack of comfort brings the best of you a lot of times. No matter how much self improvement content you consume, you need to be exposed to uncomfortable experiences, otherwise you'll end up like a lot of first world incels that bitch about the tiniest thing, while less "privileged" guys with more drive take all the money and girls.
I always need to remind myself to STOP FUCKING PHILOPHIZING. JUST LIVE LIFE GET EXPERIENCE, STOPCLIVING IN YOUR HEAD.
I was pretty motivated to cold approach after this encounter. Had some 4 good chances and I chickened out. I'm not gonna make oaths or anything but I will say that I haven't felt like this in a long time. It felt AWFUL. It was a long time since I had this bitter taste in my mouth. It's worse than rejection. I don't care if I'm a loser, a creep or whatever with 1000 approaches and don't get laid. I prefer that than being this pretty boy that's scared to talk to girls.
JUST MOVE FORWARD.

Went out to help my mom orient herself. Useful excuse to go out of my house. Held eye contact with a girl for a split second. I'm going back to the battlefield for more action. I'm not gonna let approach anxiety win over me.

Doing work in privacy is much harder than doing work at a workplace with other people

STOP DISCOUNTING THE FUTURE.

STOP OVERESTIMATING SMALL PROBABILITIES. STOP UNDERESTIMATING BIG PROBABILITIES.

STOP BEING AVERSE TO LOSS.
STOP FEARING RISK AND UNCERTAINTY.

START VALUING OPPORTUNITY COSTS.

Walked around for 30min, did 2 approaches. One was a polite rejection, another was a confused reaction:
favorable points in my part: -felt confident in my looks, no bullshit thoughts.
-they were both with their mother/older relatives.
-The first one was moving.
-This corona shit makes approaching slightly more difficilt.

Happy with my performance overall.

Man, I miss going out SO much

Future hasnt felt so bright in ages
The emotional bank account is so fucking important.
I'm trying to internalize this mindset I learnt at Muay Thai: stop trying to win every time. This is counter intuitive, but if you want to win long term you need to stop putting so much value on short terms defeats. Why? Because it blocks your learning process. Everything is at a stake. You put expectations too high and you are more likely to quit

Productivity: 7.5/10
Ate 1750 calories

March 30th

Woke up 6:30 went to Muay Thai.
Approached one girl. Not very receptive. Followed her a little bit though. I'm trying to work through that mental block (being to insistent or annoying). Not because I think it will increase my chances with non receptive girls, but for mindset purposes (50% of why I do cold approach) Felt some euphoria that quiclky faded away
I did let some chances slip by, specially in public transport, something which gives me anxiety (plus I had a negative experience back in the day)
Exchanged strong eye contact with a girl but I pussed out, I was walking somewhat distracted.
Not many girls around though.
Ate 1800kcal
Productivity: 7.5/10
Mood: 8/10

March 31st

Woke up 6:30am. Went to Muay Thai. Had opportunities to approach but pussied out.
Had another opportunity to approach but pussied out.

Went out specifically to talk togirls but failed miserably.
Had maybe like 4 instances of eye contact over my shoulder. I'm not sure if they were real though

BE ADAPTABLE. THRIVE UNDER STRESS.

Ate 1800kcal
Productivity: 7.0/10

April 1st

Had the chance to apprpach a girl but pussied out. I was drinking a (diet) coke. Saw this really beautiful girl walking by. She was entering into a shop. Followed her, she worked there. I still got in there and asked something, but didnt have the balls ask for her number.
Reading: 5h
Ate 1700kcal
Productivity: 7.0/10
Mood: 8.0/10

April 2nd

Saw a group of girls while I was riding my bike but chickened out.
Did shallow work for about 3h
Drawing: 2h
Productivity: 6.0/10
Ate 1700kcal

April 3rd

Did shallow work for about 3h
Wasted a lot of time.
Chances are, Gabriel, the systems that make this world are too complex for you to understand them alone.
There's not much beyond working and seeking expert advice. There aren't hacks.
Ate 1500kcal
Productivity 5.5/10
Mood: 7.0/10

April 4th
Did shallow work(college) for about 5h. I've blocked social media but I still find ways to waste time, like playing guitar and chess.


April 5th

Ate 1700kcal
Productivity: 6.0/10

April 6th

Woke up 6:30 went to Muay Thai.
Drawing: 5h
Ate 1800kcal
Productivity: 6.5/10

I'm not being productive at all. I'm having a lot of mental gymnastics towards some tasks.
But at the same time I feel guilty for not doing them so I dont go outvand approach. it sucks.
Mood is okay, enough to br productive, but it could be better. I'm still trying to find a way to be wired 24/7. In the meantime I need to be disciplined and keep trying to feel better everyday.

April 7th

Went to Muay Thai
Hours doing something productive for college: 3
Hours drawing: 0
Productivity: 5/10
Mood: 7/10
Ate 1600kcal

April 8th

Woke up 6:30 went to Muay Thai.

April 9th

Woke up 6:30 went to Muay Thai

I've been very unproductive the last few days. Ambiguity really halts my decision making. I feel like I can't stop thinking and start doing.
Had some chances to approach, but my mind is elsewhere. Asked one girl for directions
Did 2h of work for college.
Ate 1800kcal.

April 10th

Woke up 9:30. Wasted time playing guitar and watching show with family.
Work for college: 3h
Ate 1600kcal

April 11th

Work for college: 5h
Rode bike and procrastinated playing guitar.
Ate 1700kcal


April 12th

Ate 1500kcal

Productivity 6.5/10
Mood: 6.0/10

April 13th

Productivity 7.0/10
Mood: 6.0/10

April 14th

Ate 1600kcal
Productivity: 6.5/10
Mood: 5.5/10

April 15th

Ate 1500kcal
Productivity: 7.0/10


-I had a mediocre performance this month. Definitely read too much information. I also
Lost less weight than previous months. Didn't make any advances in my portfolio. I actually managed to plough through approach anxiety and talk to 3 girls. But I didnt go out to talk to girls after that, pretty much stayed at home. I say that I focused on other things, etc, but i could still go out some days of the week and approach. I could ride my bike, go downtown, talk to some girls and burn some calories. But I don't do it. I say I can't get laid in my house, etc. But I could invite myself over the girls' house.

-Definitely made the decision that I personally value making moderate money as an artist (I will not settle for less) over making big money with something else. I've been obsessed with that goal for a long time and I will see it through no matter what. So I made a slight change in my goal setting algorithm, to make as much money while being the best artist possible.

-My mental debate right now is how selfish I want to be. Right now I'm studying to be a school teacher. I tell myself that it is a way to help people and give back to the world. But perhaps it's just a cope and I'm justifying being a fucking pussy. It's my way to cleaning my hands I guess, instead of cheap new age hollywood spirituality.

-This month I felt a sort of a success flatline. I felt satisfied, perhaps happy with my recent body composition improvement. And that's sort of the dilemma. When do you stop? You can always do more. So you feel like you have to, just because you can. You can't enjoy too much your victories, there's always some asian guy trying to outwork you. We feel other people are gonna try to outperform us. So we work more. And guess what, other people do the same thing. A self fulfilling prophecy. A stalemate. Now you have the hiper competitive society of today. I don't think there's much of a solution to this. The best way to maximize happiness seems to be a compromise between the two (number of achievements and satisfaction per achievement)
 
Didn't realise you were gabo from GLL. Thanks for checking my log. Hop on and let us know how you're doing yourself bro
 
Spazdig said:
Didn't realise you were gabo from GLL. Thanks for checking my log. Hop on and let us know how you're doing yourself brate
Click to expand...

Hey man, thank you for checking my log, and your cold approach lay has been really inspiring. Haven't updated my log because I haven't accomplished my stated goals yet.

Things I'm struggling with:
-slowly burning fat, but I'm not yet 8% body fat.
-indecision and low confidence
-toxic perfectionism with my art and with everything in my life.
-not being selfish enough, not having courage to stand up for my convictions.
-hating the fact that my dad is a couch potato and blaming him for my shortcomings but this is just an excuse.
-blaming the government for corruption and shitty management of the pandemic and the economy. I'm seriously concerned that my country is becoming a communist shithole, but this is an excuse too.
-lack of focus and work ethic
-I can only approach 2 or e girls if I specifically set my mind to do so, I can't approach as part of my daily life. This isn't a priority at this moment, but I'm still frustrated about it.

Not gonna lie, I'm not having the most positive outlook on life at the moment but I'm trying to plough through it even if I feel like shit.
 
I'm posting this for the sake of accountability, but I haven't accomplished what I said I would accomplish. Stopped loging when I got overwhelmed by exams, also stopped logging calories.
Here are my excuses of why I have been stuck:

Drawing: I just feel that my level isn't there yet, but there's low hanging fruit of skill/knowledge that I feel I must attack first, it's better to do the portfolio once and do it right rather than doing it 2 or 3 times and not being satisfied with the results. A lot of this is instinct, although I'm very conscious that I'm a perfectionist and I must lower my standards
Getting ripped: stopped logging calories, still losing weight though. I'm very weak, I can barely do 5 pushups. I went to an hematologist last week, perhaps it's something blood related but I doubt it. The last two remaining possibilities that I can think of are allergies and heavy metal poisoning. Whenever I cut I get very weak, this has happened to me before. So I'm afraid of going too hard with the cut and losing muscle mass. Perhaps I could train even if I can't exert strength. I need to buy some sandbags and train home. I'm removing all of my bullshit excuses. All.

Getting laid: My tinder profile is shit, even the fatties ignore me. I don't have money for photoshoots or a dlsr. Which is another excuse, I must get the fucking money. I'm above average in person but not by a long shot. It's still enough to get laid. I still have approach anxiety. I can approach some times, most of the times I can't. Which is another excuse, I must man up and talk to girls. I don't have a social circle with hot girls. I must create one. I need to hit the bars again now that my parents got the vaccine.

So I'm doing progress but at the same time I step on my dick in a number of ways. I will keep flexing my mind towards my goals and will keep hammering in the dogmas necessary to improve myself.
I need to go back to Muay Thai. I need to get money. I need to stop being so fucking stingy.

Today I'm feeling happy in a strange way, like I'm being forced to be happy otherwise I don't know how I am gonna face all the challenges that lie ahead. I'm so overwhelmed figuring out a way of paying rent doing art that I can't think about existential shit.

April 16th

Woke up 7:30
Ate 1700kcal
Productivity: 7.0/10

April 17th

Got inspired by thedrawingagency.com to start my own drawing agency.

Another company that I'd like to imitate: conceptarthouse.con

These people have decades of experience though, so it's better to take it easy.

April 18th

Drawing: 7h
Productivity: 7.0/10
Mood: 8/10
Hanging out with friends is good for my mental health.
Ate 1600kcal

April 19th
STOP FUCKING THINKING SO MUCH

April 20th
Woke up late, 9:30
Ate 1500kcal

April 21st

Woke up 6am
Ate 1600kcal

April 22nd

Ate 1500kcal
I havent been doing Muay Thai due to covid restrictions. But I started playing tenis more often. I want to take it more seriously. Actually one secondary goal for me is to compete semiprofessionally.

April 23rd

Ate 1300kcal

April 24th

Ate 1600kcal

April 28th

I'm too busy with college. But I want to say that I'm a fucking pussy. Today I was riding to the city centre and saw so many cute girls that I wanted to talk. But somehow... it's not even anxiety. It's just mediocrity. Just excuses in my head. Like I wasnt focused on that today. Like I forgot how to talk to people... I'm so fucking frustrated.

I havent realized until now how lazy I've been my whole life. Words dont count shit. Time to start working my ass off until I die. I'm against the ropes. But I'm not done yet.

April 30th

MORE STRESS IS THE ANSWER

May 4th

I've been pretty busy with schoolwork (engraving and printmaking, which is very laborious and time consuming)
Drawing: 4h

May 5th

Woke up 7:30 am
Damn, I want to get back to approaching so badly... but my mind won't let me do it until I take care of college...
JUST. KEEP. GOING.
Damn. Sometimes I want to quit college so badly. I need to be more selfish.

Drawing: 1h

Wasted time playing guitar
Cleant my room
Downloaded drawing books and references
Watched an artstation tutorial with kim jung gi.
Played tenis.

Productivity: 6.0/10

May 6th

Woke up at 11. Fuck this. This must never happen again

Fairly productive day.
Drawing: 3h
Realized that buying a lot of things is probably consumist and femenine. But buying land seems like a more masculine and traditional thing. I feel that owning a piece of terrain is more of a natural/primal desire

May 7th

Fairly productive day. Drawing: 6h
Productivity: 7.0/10

May 8th

Drawing: 8h
Productivity: 7.5/10

May 9th

Drawing: 7h

May 10th

Went to the doctor. Walked around downtown, not many people at 3pm. Still let some girls slip by. It' really hard to get into the rhythm of approaching after not approaching for 1 month
Drawing: 5h
Productivity: 7.0/10

May 11th

Woke up 7:30
Drawing: 5h
Still got distracted a lot playing guitar and watching random shit on the internet. Fuck this.
My mom came up with a theory of why I feel so tired and weak. She says that when I sleep I cover my head so I'm deprived of oxygen. I will pay attention to that.

May 12th

Woke up at 7:00
Arrived 10 min late to the doctorm Fuck this.
I realized why self improvement sometimes make you feel temporarily worse. It basically removes all your copes. So even if your life is objectively better, you may experience more pain subjectively. Getting better forces you to change the way you see yourself and existence that you wouldn't otherwise think in your default mode. You face your own mortality. You face the reality that most people won't fulfill their potential and will refuse to change for the better, will keep on blaming some external factor. You'll realize that if other people are like this, you are like this too. Unless you have a mentor and are constantly monitoring yourself you will inevitably fall back to mediocrity patterns.

But once you've seen that you can. change your situation for the better you can't go back. But at the same time there must be some point in the journey were you rest and enjoy the fruits of your labor. There must be a comfort zone in the distant future.

Drawing: 5h.

May 13th

Woke up at 8:30.

Drawing: 1h
Studying: 2h
Productivity: 6.0/10

I feel I need constantly to clarify what I want

I do want to be the best artist of this age. The best artist that has ever lived.

But I don't know what that means. How do you define that? You can put a value to money. But art is pretty subjective. But at the same time it isnt. It's obvious when something is ugly or unoriginal, right?
I'm in conflict.
Contemporary fine art is talentless and pretentious.
Contemporary realism/classical revivalism is uncreative, rigid and also pretentious.
Concept art/illustration is low brow and childish

I always blame the world but perhaps it's me that always see the negative in everything.

I want to work as an artist in the videogame industry for important clients.

I want to be payed well, but most importantly, I want to be recognized by other professionals

I want to be famous, but most importantly, I want to have a loyal audience.

I care about validation. I'm not a zen monk.

I don't want to have a YouTube channel. I don't want to have a podcast. I don't care about teaching. I have lost faith not only in the education system but in a education itself. I already know the pareto principle is always at play. The vast majority of people are too lazy and or dumb to learn, it's beyond your control. Most people will utilize the tools you give them to procrastinate. I will gladly coach a few very enthusiastic aspiring artists. I want to be far away from fuckarounders. Been there, done that, on both sides. It's best for both parties not to deceive each other.

I'm not sure if I want to create a business around art.
Perhaps money and art are best kept separate. They are two separate skillsets. I feel that I must accomplish my dream of becoming a professional artist first. It's like fucking girls, it's an stage that I must go through before I can think about anything else. Perhaps I must focus on money and achieve a comfortable living and then have more freedom to level up in art indefinitely. Perhaps the pressure of not having money will force me to level up in art faster.

Perhaps I'm overthinking this all and should just move forward in ANY direction.

May 17th
Listened to this artist Cesar Santos. It's good to see someone with high energy, masculine be an artist. Usually artists are slobs, geeky, etc.

I realized I can (and must) be tough and at the same time positive.

Perhaps my main problems isnt lack of work ethic but a lot negativity that makes me use way more will power than necessary.

It's not even that I'm depressed, I don't even realize how negative my default is. I've seen that recording a vlog. My friends are pretty negative. Gotta work extra hard

May 18th

I NEED TO BE AROUND HIGH PERFORMANCE PEOPLE. I NEED TO REACH OUT TO SUCCESFUL PEOPLE
PULL THE TRIGGER.
 
Sisyphus said:
I'm posting this for the sake of accountability, but I haven't accomplished what I said I would accomplish. Stopped loging when I got overwhelmed by exams, also stopped logging calories.
Here are my excuses of why I have been stuck:

Drawing: I just feel that my level isn't there yet, but there's low hanging fruit of skill/knowledge that I feel I must attack first, it's better to do the portfolio once and do it right rather than doing it 2 or 3 times and not being satisfied with the results. A lot of this is instinct, although I'm very conscious that I'm a perfectionist and I must lower my standards
Getting ripped: stopped logging calories, still losing weight though. I'm very weak, I can barely do 5 pushups. I went to an hematologist last week, perhaps it's something blood related but I doubt it. The last two remaining possibilities that I can think of are allergies and heavy metal poisoning. Whenever I cut I get very weak, this has happened to me before. So I'm afraid of going too hard with the cut and losing muscle mass. Perhaps I could train even if I can't exert strength. I need to buy some sandbags and train home. I'm removing all of my bullshit excuses. All.

Getting laid: My tinder profile is shit, even the fatties ignore me. I don't have money for photoshoots or a dlsr. Which is another excuse, I must get the fucking money. I'm above average in person but not by a long shot. It's still enough to get laid. I still have approach anxiety. I can approach some times, most of the times I can't. Which is another excuse, I must man up and talk to girls. I don't have a social circle with hot girls. I must create one. I need to hit the bars again now that my parents got the vaccine.

So I'm doing progress but at the same time I step on my dick in a number of ways. I will keep flexing my mind towards my goals and will keep hammering in the dogmas necessary to improve myself.
I need to go back to Muay Thai. I need to get money. I need to stop being so fucking stingy.

Today I'm feeling happy in a strange way, like I'm being forced to be happy otherwise I don't know how I am gonna face all the challenges that lie ahead. I'm so overwhelmed figuring out a way of paying rent doing art that I can't think about existential shit.

April 16th

Woke up 7:30
Ate 1700kcal
Productivity: 7.0/10

April 17th

Got inspired by thedrawingagency.com to start my own drawing agency.

Another company that I'd like to imitate: conceptarthouse.con

These people have decades of experience though, so it's better to take it easy.

April 18th

Drawing: 7h
Productivity: 7.0/10
Mood: 8/10
Hanging out with friends is good for my mental health.
Ate 1600kcal

April 19th
STOP FUCKING THINKING SO MUCH

April 20th
Woke up late, 9:30
Ate 1500kcal

April 21st

Woke up 6am
Ate 1600kcal

April 22nd

Ate 1500kcal
I havent been doing Muay Thai due to covid restrictions. But I started playing tenis more often. I want to take it more seriously. Actually one secondary goal for me is to compete semiprofessionally.

April 23rd

Ate 1300kcal

April 24th

Ate 1600kcal

April 28th

I'm too busy with college. But I want to say that I'm a fucking pussy. Today I was riding to the city centre and saw so many cute girls that I wanted to talk. But somehow... it's not even anxiety. It's just mediocrity. Just excuses in my head. Like I wasnt focused on that today. Like I forgot how to talk to people... I'm so fucking frustrated.

I havent realized until now how lazy I've been my whole life. Words dont count shit. Time to start working my ass off until I die. I'm against the ropes. But I'm not done yet.

April 30th

MORE STRESS IS THE ANSWER

May 4th

I've been pretty busy with schoolwork (engraving and printmaking, which is very laborious and time consuming)
Drawing: 4h

May 5th

Woke up 7:30 am
Damn, I want to get back to approaching so badly... but my mind won't let me do it until I take care of college...
JUST. KEEP. GOING.
Damn. Sometimes I want to quit college so badly. I need to be more selfish.

Drawing: 1h

Wasted time playing guitar
Cleant my room
Downloaded drawing books and references
Watched an artstation tutorial with kim jung gi.
Played tenis.

Productivity: 6.0/10

May 6th

Woke up at 11. Fuck this. This must never happen again

Fairly productive day.
Drawing: 3h
Realized that buying a lot of things is probably consumist and femenine. But buying land seems like a more masculine and traditional thing. I feel that owning a piece of terrain is more of a natural/primal desire

May 7th

Fairly productive day. Drawing: 6h
Productivity: 7.0/10

May 8th

Drawing: 8h
Productivity: 7.5/10

May 9th

Drawing: 7h

May 10th

Went to the doctor. Walked around downtown, not many people at 3pm. Still let some girls slip by. It' really hard to get into the rhythm of approaching after not approaching for 1 month
Drawing: 5h
Productivity: 7.0/10

May 11th

Woke up 7:30
Drawing: 5h
Still got distracted a lot playing guitar and watching random shit on the internet. Fuck this.
My mom came up with a theory of why I feel so tired and weak. She says that when I sleep I cover my head so I'm deprived of oxygen. I will pay attention to that.

May 12th

Woke up at 7:00
Arrived 10 min late to the doctorm Fuck this.
I realized why self improvement sometimes make you feel temporarily worse. It basically removes all your copes. So even if your life is objectively better, you may experience more pain subjectively. Getting better forces you to change the way you see yourself and existence that you wouldn't otherwise think in your default mode. You face your own mortality. You face the reality that most people won't fulfill their potential and will refuse to change for the better, will keep on blaming some external factor. You'll realize that if other people are like this, you are like this too. Unless you have a mentor and are constantly monitoring yourself you will inevitably fall back to mediocrity patterns.

But once you've seen that you can. change your situation for the better you can't go back. But at the same time there must be some point in the journey were you rest and enjoy the fruits of your labor. There must be a comfort zone in the distant future.

Drawing: 5h.

May 13th

Woke up at 8:30.

Drawing: 1h
Studying: 2h
Productivity: 6.0/10

I feel I need constantly to clarify what I want

I do want to be the best artist of this age. The best artist that has ever lived.

But I don't know what that means. How do you define that? You can put a value to money. But art is pretty subjective. But at the same time it isnt. It's obvious when something is ugly or unoriginal, right?
I'm in conflict.
Contemporary fine art is talentless and pretentious.
Contemporary realism/classical revivalism is uncreative, rigid and also pretentious.
Concept art/illustration is low brow and childish

I always blame the world but perhaps it's me that always see the negative in everything.

I want to work as an artist in the videogame industry for important clients.

I want to be payed well, but most importantly, I want to be recognized by other professionals

I want to be famous, but most importantly, I want to have a loyal audience.

I care about validation. I'm not a zen monk.

I don't want to have a YouTube channel. I don't want to have a podcast. I don't care about teaching. I have lost faith not only in the education system but in a education itself. I already know the pareto principle is always at play. The vast majority of people are too lazy and or dumb to learn, it's beyond your control. Most people will utilize the tools you give them to procrastinate. I will gladly coach a few very enthusiastic aspiring artists. I want to be far away from fuckarounders. Been there, done that, on both sides. It's best for both parties not to deceive each other.

I'm not sure if I want to create a business around art.
Perhaps money and art are best kept separate. They are two separate skillsets. I feel that I must accomplish my dream of becoming a professional artist first. It's like fucking girls, it's an stage that I must go through before I can think about anything else. Perhaps I must focus on money and achieve a comfortable living and then have more freedom to level up in art indefinitely. Perhaps the pressure of not having money will force me to level up in art faster.

Perhaps I'm overthinking this all and should just move forward in ANY direction.

May 17th
Listened to this artist Cesar Santos. It's good to see someone with high energy, masculine be an artist. Usually artists are slobs, geeky, etc.

I realized I can (and must) be tough and at the same time positive.

Perhaps my main problems isnt lack of work ethic but a lot negativity that makes me use way more will power than necessary.

It's not even that I'm depressed, I don't even realize how negative my default is. I've seen that recording a vlog. My friends are pretty negative. Gotta work extra hard

May 18th

I NEED TO BE AROUND HIGH PERFORMANCE PEOPLE. I NEED TO REACH OUT TO SUCCESFUL PEOPLE
PULL THE TRIGGER.
Click to expand...

Hey man I know it's tough, but keep going you'll get there. I've hit walls with my self-improvement journey too, but try push through and focus on why you're doing it.

'You can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought' is also a great book which Andy recommends and I have read from his recommendation if you haven't checked it out already - helped with my negativity and might help if you struggle with the same.

Keep on trying, brother.

S
 
So I had my first cold approach blowjob.

Fitness: finally I’m down to 67kg 10%. Thought I was going to be leaner at that weight but I always underestimate my bodyfat and the time that’s gonna take me to get there. Not sure if I’m gonna keep cutting to 8%. I need to develop some muscle too. Health? I still feel weak and that I’m gonna have a heart attack after I do too much cardio or even after I approach. This might be psychosomatic, but I really lack strength, I can barely do one pullup. Did a blood test and the only thing off is low vitamin D. Need to get tested for lyme and heavy metal poisoning. Feeling weak is the reason why I cut so slowly, I don't want to lose any more strength

Girls: Lockdown restrictions were lifted, so there was no excuse for not approaching. I started going out alone to bars, talking to random people, then approaching, now I’m approaching in the middle of the day when I’m doing chores with relative ease. I can do 5 approaches in 1 hour, I still let opportunities slip by. But I’m in my best shape I think. Back in the day I was able to do 15 approaches in a big city, in 2,5h and I would end up exhausted. Now I believe I would be able to do 30 in a day, in a big city. But approaching in a small city has helped me be more focused when I go out and approach. What I struggle now with is consistency. And also the fact that this is not my number one goal at this moment. I live away from downtown so I feel I waste time when I go out of my house.

But I can approach and have gotten some very good reactions, which has been really nice tbh. It also feels a bit weird. Like I don’t know how women would find me attractive. But it seems I’ve finally crossed the line of “above average”. A few tattoos and more muscle and I’ll be elite. I’m also more confident or at least can fake it better and I believe it helps. One milf even said to me that it was a pleasure to meet me in a very flattering way but she was engaged.
So the girl. It was exactly as everyone that follows the gll philosophy says. I didn’t thought she was interested. She was sitting on park bench with a girl friend. First I thought she was weirded out by the approach. I even thought she gave me fake a number (later I learnt that she was from a small town, that’s why the number was weird). But we had a date the following day. Cute girl, but in a hot way. I mean, she was a bit chubby and had not so good teeth but she had a nice face and good tits and a really nice ass. Also on the lower class spectrum, which I found interesting. And she was all over the place. Like she was throwing compliments all the time, that I was the best thing that happened to her in a while, that I had nice eyes, that I was so confident. Again, I was weirded out by it, it seems she’s talking about some other guy, I don’t feel that confident. But this girl had a really low self esteem, so it makes sense.

I was hella nervous before and during the date but I still tried to keep pulling the trigger. I wasn’t that fast though, it took me a while, perhaps too many laps around the park to feel comfortable kissing her. But man, she was all over the place, touching me, saying me that she loves it when I kiss her neck, putting my hands on her chest. FINALLY. A SEXUALLY AVAILABLE GIRL. So I went for same day lay of course. Only I live with my parents. But we still found a way to make it work. We went to a huge park, at night, ideal place to fuck and we did everything except me putting my penis inside her. A mix of the place being cold and uncomfortable and my own inexperience and I lost my hard when I put the condom. Self sabotage? Yup

It was still amazing and I was exhausted afterwards. I really don’t have stamina lol. Then I see this same girl on Friday. We went to a club, I arrived early (I was already in a good mood after approaching some girls right before) and then she came with her brother and her brother’s girlfriend. If I felt well treated the other day, this day I felt like a God. We danced, kissed and touched, I did all the shit I wanted to do when I was back in highschool. There were a lot of hot girls around and some were looking at me. I felt a small sample of being CHAD. Then we went out to her car. We chated a bit. I rested on her tits and opened up a bit, perhaps a bit too much. Then we touched, I fingered her and she jerked me off, and I came, which was GOOD. I forgot to buy condoms so we didn’t fuck. Self sabotage? You bet it was! I still felt victorious after this. Going back home I bought some pastries to reward myself.

One week later and she went silent. I feel kinda sad ‘cause I developed some feelings for her (not in a needy way). But she was so over the place that I was afraid of hurting her feelings, so perhaps it’s for the better. Asked for creep pics on both sexual encounters and she said no so I respected that.

I kept approaching when I saw the opportunity, got an Instagram and the girl seems eager to go out but says she is busy. Hope it turns into something.

This is all well and good, but I’m way behind schedule on everything I promised myself to do. I started the program on 2018 and got to day 42. I should have gotten my first lay, not my first cold approaching blowjob YEARS ago. I lost a lot of valuable time due to being a pussy and frankly, having emotional issues. But I think this is the same for a lot of guys from my generation. They are stuck in a negative mindset and now that I’m a little bit better can see it. But boy, has my progress been slow. Perhaps in 2029 I will have my first threesome and when I’m 80 I’ll reach a 100 girls laycount. AI is gonna take over before I fuck 50 girls if I keep improving at this pace.

Money/work: I improved a lot on art, which is something I cared about, but I’m feeling like giving up on this. I’ll sum up my current position:

-Progress in art is completely weird and non linear. I can’t even define what the “level” I want to have is, but I know it when I see it. But it’s still hard to set a clear path of going straight A to B. It just doesn't make fucking sense. it's the opposite of computer science.

-I always feel like shit compared to people that I admire so I am unable to do finished work and feel satisfied.

-Perhaps that’s why both art and business people agree on the same thing: not mixing art with business. Art is so tied with my feelings that it makes me an awful businessman. I hate, HATE finishing art that sucks (to me), even if people like it. So I never pull the trigger. And I grew up with that mindset, the professional middle class mindset, “grind, perfect yourself so you become the best employee and find work on a good company”. But as I’ve been learning lately, technical proficiency doesn’t cause good income, business skills are much more important and there isn’t much of a correlation between technical skills and business skills.

-I’ve been analyzing/stalking some successful artists. Some of them are broke (particularly, the ones from my broke country). Wages for Illustration/concept art or any creative work are laughably low. I used to admire that or think that it would motivate me to push harder but this is probably more self sabotage. So, if some of the very best artists are broke/overworked, what’s left for the rest of mortals?

-I used to think that changing paths and doing something more profitable was an admission of defeat. But this is stupid, just my ego speaking. It has also to do with the stupid mindsets I choose to believe, that money is evil, business is evil, sales and marketing are sleazy and a scam. Fuck you, hippocritical communist.

-This year I’ve repeated affirmations over and over and I think they made a positive change in me and I can feel much better about money. I’m becoming more and more disillusioned about college and the educational system in general but I still fall prey to sunk cost fallacy and can’t pull the trigger to drop out college.

-So I’m STRONGLY considering doing sales and or digital marketing. Sales I’m thinking a remote cold calling job or something in a local company (car sales, insurance). I even walked into a car dealership and asked if they were hiring people and they said yes that they are always looking for more people to hire. Digital marketing it would be just like some guys are doing here, I could even ask them for advice. A good mental framework that I learnt this year: ASK HOW, NOT WHY. There is no much logic behind why things work, they just work.

-So I’m more and more inclined to the idea of working a sales job or freelancing digital marketing and meanwhile develop my artskills. Having a high “art level” doesn’t mean you earn a lot of money from it. There’s just no correlation, and I think it’s good, even if I work as an artist, to think business and art as two completely separate entities and paths. There’s no thing such as not making a choice. But I’m still a pussy and need to overcome mental obstacles and pull the trigger.

Productivity: Gave up guitar and it was a good thing. Sacrifices in life are necessary. Not only it takes time, emotionally I was invested in it but I need to focus on something that’s gonna give me tangible results in the future. Hobbies are not for this stage of my life. Now I need to pull the trigger on tennis. For now I’m doing tennis instead of gym, but I need to go back to the gym to gain muscle. Tennis is nostalgia.
Installed multiple app blocks in my browser, they are extremely helpful.

Mental health: I’m banishing overthinking and procrastination from my life. I cut ties with philosophy, specially anything that smells to postmodernist philosophy. No more negativity. I choose to focus on good thoughts and emotions. No more unnecessary pain. Pain is only good If it’s necessary to get something good in return. Don't think. You are not gonna increase your IQ by thinking more.

The conclusion of all my years in self improvement is: it’s really true that everything is in your head, it’s no pseudoscience. If you want and think you can, you can do pretty much anything. Destroy negative thoughts. Ruthlessly cut ties with negative people and befriend positive people that want to improve.
 
October 20th

Went out to do some chores, talked to 2 girls. I should have talked to more.
Damn, this hot woman sat nearby while I'm drinking coffee. I need to do something. Yup, talked to her and rejected me. Talked to 5 girls this day.

October 27th

Approached 3 girls, 0 numbers in like 45 minutes. Let some chances slip by, due to awkward situations and such, although I let pass an easy one where I asked for directions. There were hot girls around but I was with my bike and I felt it was too much to approach them riding a bike.

October 28th

Night: went out with girl and had sex in the park but this time it was her that didnt want penetration. There were too mant people nearby this time. There were more people nearby so the situation was more uncomfortable.
Funny thing: her friend says I'm hot. She asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with her, then she said she wouldnt let me.

October 29th

night: went out, approached 1 girl who ignored me. asked for cigarettes to a group of people but got rejected. My approach anxiety at night is higher than day tbh. didnt go to a bar, just walked down the street. It takes me about 45 min walking to get to downtown. I also procrastinate aka "I have shit to do" so I go out when there's already no people on the streets, no public transport. I still let some opportunities slip by

random reflection: pornography is like handouts, reward without effort

October 30th

Night: went out
Oh boy. Went to a night club. My approach anxiety was pretty high. Talking to a hot girl in the middle of day light is one thing but at night when they are in short tight skirts with friends is another. And going out alone is tough too.
Anyway first I started doing drills to make myself comfortable, like dancing alone in the middle of the club and squeezing girls.
The this guy comes to me and says something like "Dude stop being so high" And I'm like "Hey do I know you" "No, do you want to smoke weed" "For real? sure" So I follow this guy through the club. And he was saying random things to random people and asking for filters and papers to make a joint (dont know how to say this in english). Then he approached some girls. And I'm like "wow, another freak of nature like me that does this stuff?" He was not a pick up nerd though. More of an edgy/jackass guy (leather jacket, talks loudly, etc) Good looking, not extremely good looking, but cool/street smart. Then I talked to him a bit more he tells me he's from another province, that he sings for a rock band, he does boxing, then he says he is a thief (small scale I guess). I try my best not to look afraid. Said I respect that. Apparently I gave him the impression of being a bit crazy too.

And I think, that's the type of players you know in real life, sketchy people. The other guy I met that did approaches was sketchy too, crashed his bike and almost died, from a province, coloured skin and low class. And I think, perhaps thats how people perceive me when I approach. Talking to random girls requires the same amount of guts than being a pickpocket or drug dealer. No wonder so many pickup artists are scam artists.

Btw this guy was a bit like OG Scotty, total creep, very physical direct, no game BS. So, motivated by seeing this guy I start approaching girls.

Somehow cool stuff comes out of my mouth (sometimes). Stuff I havent even practiced, I literally don't know how I find the words, it's like a spirit takes control of me and gives me a tongue to speak.

I approached about 7-8 girls and got one instagram, but I dont remember all the interactions. One I asked for a cigarrette she said she didnt have but let me smoke of her cigarrette. Then talked a bit and she gave me her instagram. Hot body, not so good looking face, but on some of her photos she looks very hot.

Another, extremely hot skinny upperclass looking, intimidating girl, she was dressed as the joker (just the makeup). I'm proud of this one cause I was extremely forward and did the closest thing to screening. Said hey, nice costume, high five, handshake, then try to kiss her in the cheek but she pulled her face away and said no thanks.

Another one was outside. Made eye contact with a cutr girl. Talked to her and noticed she was drunk. Immediatly comes her dyke friend and cockblocks me. I didn't want conflict so I left but now I believe this is one of the gray areas where "game" might be needed, handling objections, try to work things out etc.

I also remember a girl I didnt approach. I was against a wall and I feel this hot blonde touching me. I was already deflated by the rejections so I figured an excuse not to take the signal and approach her. Then I see the same girl being approached by other guy and she's receptive and I want to shoot myself in the balls. One way of self sabotage is to talk to uninterested girls and pussy out on the ones that hold more potential.

I also could have approached a ton more girls cause the place was swimming in pussy. But I'm still scared of doing 'too many approaches' who knows why. I could have talked to more average girls and get better results but since I'm already seeing a cute girl I dont feel any desire of fucking a girl below her level.

Some mental notes: being more physical makes more sense in the club cause girls can't hear what you say.
You can say compliments in a non pussy way.
'old friend' mindset, you already knew this girls in your past life.
when you make eye contact, smirk.
embrace your inner creep.

following day I talked to this guy on instagram, he invited me to a concert from the band he sings for, next week. Making my first steps in social circle game, I need to be more consistent with this. Btw this guy ended up getting laid with a random girl from the club that night. Cold approach works, no more excuses.

inshight: I always wondered why Chris even bothered with cold approach since he was already being succesful with social circle, fucked hot girls, met cool people etc. Then I realized that perhaps it's like when guys born rich try to make money even if they dont need to. There's a desire to prove themselves, that if they don't get stuff on a silver platter they still can make shit happen. And there's a satisfaction of making stuff with your own hands when you cold approach.

I'm not a loser, I'm just starting from scratch, any guy would have trouble getting laid in my situation. I lost the newbie zeal for cold approach and now it sucks, but I do it because I have no other option. I'm broke so I can't even buy a camera to take good pictures for online dating. I also don't have friends cause I distanced myself from my highschool crowd and I moved to a different city. I also decided to be an artist so I can't meet new people when I'm in my room drawing. And that's kind of the problem.

My lifestyle isn't congruent with the persona of a player. Perhaps I should have chosen to be a musician, there's a lot more of social scene in music. Visual artists are even more introverted than musicians. Even though there are lots of girls in art university there are is no social scene or structure that helps people interact with each other and I never found a way to make shit happen. I also live in a shithole country where if you are a girl you have way more chances of getting killed or raped. So that increases the creep factor.

So my main issues are:

-fighting trace amounts of approach anxiety still makes it exhausting, even when I'm able to approach
-lack of discipline/being disorganized, way too many goals, lack of consistency, not approaching every day
-shit logistics
-being too skeptical. sometimes you just need to have irrational faith when facing frustration
-introvert lifestyle

getting a job should solve these issues
 
So I had my first cold approach lay I was already dating her but yesterday I finally closed the deal

November 3rd

Woke up 6:30

Morning: drawing: 5h
Important reason to make money: laser eye surgery
Afternoon: psychologist+chores. Tried to approach at the grocery store but there werent many girls around. I could've talked to MILFs but I feel it's a waste of energy, the chances are already low with any girl, with older women they are even lower. Plus I dont have a great time, it's weird, they are typically less receptive etc.

Night: drawing, talking to people that take art seriously about getting an art job

November 4th

Woke up 9:30=failure
Dont remember a lot. Just drawing all day

November 5th

Drawing all day but went out, tried to approach but failed. I was a little bit upset cause something that happened earlier that lowered my self esteem but as it turned out it was a misunderstanding and it was all in my head.

Fuck, yesterday I missed the chance of approaching 2 hot girls. Remember if the girl has a tattoo you can talk her about that. Fuck man. My fuckbuddy told me basically that I'm God, her friend says I'm hot, I have been told multiple times, even before I discovered GLL that I was hot. Why do I need more reassurance? Stop being a pussy.

Comparing cold approach to social circle is like starting a business from scratch with no cash vs buying a business that has already high margins with a team of super talented people that help you run the business. No leverage vs leverage.
Social capital is as important as capital capital.

Of course social circle has a lot of challenges and involves a ton of stress anxiety and social skills which is why I'm not complaining and I keep cold approaching so I further refine my guts and social skills. I also do it for symbolic/moral reasons. Deep down I know when I dont approach because I'm tired and dont care vs I'm a pussy and yesterday it was the later.
But after 1000 cold approaches I wont care anymore. My growth will be focused on creating social circles in different cities (where I live now, Buenos Aires and some city in Australia, where I want to travel) and the overall fun I have. Success in this area means you dont even have to work anymore to get girls and you have positive pussyflow

November 6th

Woke up 10am

Watched 3d and digital painting tutorials.
Should have gone earlier to downtown to print cvs but procrastinated. MONDAY WITHOUT FAULT
But went anyway to walkaround and check the directions of marketing agencies were I'd like to work
.
Rode bike downtown. It's good that I'm making the habit of using my bike to go to places, I burn a ton of calories
I want to get to the point were I do so much activity nsturally that I can eat whatever I want and stay lean.
Talked to one hot woman. She smiled and say thanks and kept walking. The chances with any individual girl are so low that good reactions are good
I know the rule that the only thing that matters is getting laid but I want to have all sorts of experiences with hot women not just sex and talking to random women is part of that spectrum even if I dont ever see them again. I also think that only thinking about sex is short sighted because ai don't want to stay in the cold approach phase forever. Approaching is also about building confidence, re wiring your brain etc so you can handle social stress more effectively

Fucked up. Skiped 3 good chances to talk to girls.
1 I was with my mom but she left for a sec and I could have approached this girl without she seeing me. I dont know why this bothers me. Another girl I doubted whether she was elligible for approach but I should have taken a closer look. Another girl there were people behind me and suddely someone threw an object from the side (yea) and I got distracted and I missed my chance.

At night I went to my girl's house. Damn she lives in a very crappy place with ants everywhere, humidity on the walls... the things I do to get laid.

I couldnt get it up the first time (perhaps I was tired stressed or nervous or I didnt find her that attractive or all the above, but I also believe there is no fuckin logic why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt), so we chilled, ate something cuddled and watched tv. She said I could be a male model. Seems that all these years of mewing paid off. I thought I lost my chance , she said she was tired. But I kept trying and I got hard and we fucked. First a little bit without condom so I could gain confidence then with condom. First she on top cause it's easier then doggystyle. I fucked her hard then gentle then hard. I'm still inexperienced but she said her legs were trembling after so that's good.

Lesson: never, ever give up KEEP TRYING

bonus: bought a pair of adidas grand court for a very good price. I'm very happy with them
 
Didnt do so well these two weeks. But I'm still gonna post so I keep things real.

Thoughts
Been meditating about how stupid I was for not using condom... very stupid. And it wasnt just about pleasure and the heat of the moment. I was so desperate to get laid that not fucking that day was an utmost failure.

Now that I had sex I have a lot of momentum. I have both self confidence and sex drive. I want to fuck every woman I see on the streets. Like animal. It's beautiful. Finally I feel life has something good for me.

I had chances to approach today but I was on my bike and my voice is fucked. it's still no excuse
I've been very stressed about having fucked without condom. It was the stupidest thing I ever did.

I know the chances of anything bad happening are low but until I find for sure I can't have peace of mind. I know there is no peace of mind in life. No external piece of mind.

I'll find out in a couple of weeks I guess. Worst case scenario I'm gonna be a father before I expected.

This helps me to be more grounded in reality. I have an engine in my ass to improve because if I dont life's gonna be hell.

All of this is giving me approach anxiety. I'm second guessing myself all the time. Maybe this was all a mistake, I'm taking bad decisions and shouls go back to "safety". Just chill bro

I've also been listening to Jordan Peterson again and damn, the man is intelligent and persuasive.

I dont feel approaching is "wrong" anymore but sometimes I feel fucking a ton of women is "misguided" and immature and I should grow up and marry a woman instead of chasing paradise island. But fuck Jordan Peterson.

Mr Peterson also says that men can have children virtually for all their life, so there's a longer timeframe than women. I shouldnt feel so rushed to have my shit together. I accept that I'll focus on success during my 20s and early 30s so there will be some loneliness and misery due to being one dimensional. I pay the price.
I envision a distant paradise in my 40s when I am a family man with a more balanced happy life, AFTER achieving all I wanted.

Other stuff:
-If you want to be a real good man, not just a nice guy pushover you have to be in touch with your dark side and agression and control it. Cold approach hooking up etc definitely wakes up your inner beast.
-There is a chaos that comes with serial casual encounters. HIGH STRESS HIGH SUCCESS

IDEAS FOR SOCIAL CIRCLE: COWORKING ENVIRONMENT

Others:
Fine art expositions
Fine art university
Galleries
Cultural events

Sex life
I lack consistency with cold approach. For example today I went out qnd approached 6 girls, got two instagrams. Could've approached more though and I fucking regret it.
And I simply dont go out everyday like I should. I feel like I waste time going downtown.
I've also been kinda busy with college.
I haven't seen my fuckbuddy (J) again. She doesnt want to keep in touch (for now). Understandable, she was growing attached and I straight up told her I don't want to be in a relationship. That's one reason why I've been stressed about the "morality" of hook ups. Not from a naive or moralistic point of view. Peterson says that you can't detach sex from other aspects of human existence (morality, love, etc) and I kinda agree with that. But I also know for a fact that I've felt happiness in multiple occassions in my pursuit of pussy, even if it's temporal and sometimes I feel lonely. But that's just life, it happens with everything, even in a good marriage or long term relationship you have ups and down. I guess I can't supress my lust either. My animal nature wants to fuck as many girls as possible. This issue of polygamy vs monogamy (which isn't just about having babies or stds) is older than the invention of agriculture. The "middle ground" is for a man is to have a wife and many concubines on the side. The most "lawful" way would be monagamous but having options that you willingly reject (not as a result of being impotent but as a voluntary sacrifice for a greater good). Perhaps I'm getting way too much in my head.
I'm also nowhere near as succesful as some guys in these forum, so it's to early perhaps to mentally masturbate about my endgame when I havent even walked the real walk.

Money/Career

I've been researching a lot of options, from digital marketing, ux design, to car sales, being a real state agent...
But what I realized is that anything requires effort. There are easier paths or better ways to make money. But there's no zero effort path.
The most realistic tolerable job would be customer service at a local printing/graphic design shop. I just need to learn a bit about Illustrator but this is hella easy.

I really want to freelance on fiverr. I have been researching about how to make money/get your first client on fiverr and it seems doable. I have a friend that quit his 9-5 and now freelances (illustration) on fiverr. Havent asked him how much he earns tho. I have another friend that earns $200 on fiverr monthly as a side hustle (2h a day, illustration and some 3d). They both work from home, are happy doing it and figured a way of using the money without converting it to the artificially overvalued local currency.

My best friend works a 9-5 as an english teacher at an elementary school. He says he's tolerable but me and him are not the same. He's a very agreable person and I'm not. I know that I'd blow my brains before working as a teacher the rest of my life. He's fully invested in the slow lane mindset but I'm a woke fastlaner :). I shouldn't ask him for advice (actually validation) but I do and I want to punch him in the face.

I should get a job but I really want to freelance badly.

I'm drawing a lot and watching a lot of courses. Perhaps it's action faking. But my gut tells me that it's good to improve your product and achieve excellence. I feel that this time is different, now I'm asking for advice to professionals and practicing stuff that will actually improve my chances of getting work. But marketing and customer service are equally important and I could start taking care of those today even if I feel my art sucks.

Another important factor is that my country's economy is so fucked that it's very rare to find a good paying entry level job, except you know someone in the government, but I have 0 contacts. So freelancing is really one of my best options.
 
Sisyphus said:
I lack consistency with cold approach.
Click to expand...

You've probably seen a few of us talk about Mike Mehlman (top approach practitioner in the world right now) so it's time you joined his WhatsApp group:

https://mikemehlman.net/2020/03/14/whatsapp-group/

You need "environments" that align with your goals. Someone who wants to lose weight, should be around thin people, not fatsos. Personally I got a bit depressed at the beginning with the difference in levels but I slowly got motivated. I guess it will work for you too.
 
Crisis_Overcomer said:
Sisyphus said:
I lack consistency with cold approach.
Click to expand...

You've probably seen a few of us talk about Mike Mehlman (top approach practitioner in the world right now) so it's time you joined his WhatsApp group:

https://mikemehlman.net/2020/03/14/whatsapp-group/

You need "environments" that align with your goals. Someone who wants to lose weight, should be around thin people, not fatsos. Personally I got a bit depressed at the beginning with the difference in levels but I slowly got motivated. I guess it will work for you too.
Click to expand...

Hey, man, thanks for stopping by my log consistently. Just added him on instagram.

I agree it's good to find like minded people to achieve your goals.

It's hard to find a crowd that fits exactly you, because everyone has different goals.

First it's hard to even find people that are into self improvement. Then men that want to improve their masculinity. Then, men that want to improve their masculinity by actually becoming better men and taking action instead of masturbating with pua theory or red pill ideology, complaining about the "fall of western civilization". And within that narrow group of men that actually want to take action, there are few that want to fuck a ton of girls, the majority just want to be in a relationship and settle down. It's crazy right? everyone jerks off and fantasizes about having sex with cute 18 year old girls but VERY few actually want to do it in reality.
 
I used not to like to post often because I felt I haven't achieved anything. But fuck that. I must report often. If I dont achieve anything that's my problem. My obligation is to report often, even if I fail daily. Life is struggle after struggle and then you die.

Diet:

I'm at my leanest ever (66kg, somewhere between 9.5-10%bf). I am at my weakest though and I feel like shit. but I must keep going.

Job

I made cvs and faked/inflated my (lack of) job experience. But all this process of job searching further reassured that this kind of beauty contest where you have to walk on eggshells and impress your employers is not for me. If I have no choice and I really need to, I get a job as a last resort. But meanwhile I'll use every last bit of opportunity not to get a job. I don't care if people think I'm a bum, lazy, or loser for living at home with my parents. Scotty invited girls at his place when living at home lol.

I'll stand my ground and improve at my craft up to a point I feel is satisfactory, meanwhile fight and scratch for the smallest inch of sense of entitlement until I feel I deserve to be a succesful freelancer and business owner. I'll use the societal pressure of getting a job to improve at my side hustle.

Girls

I approached a couple of girls last few days. Most notable:

-girl at club: kiss her within 30 seconds. put my hand on her throat and she digs it. very much horny so I ask her to leave with me many times and she says she is with her friend, etc. then finally she leaves under bathroom pretense. In hindisight, I should have been more agressive with the pull and separate her from her friends. Instead of verbally suggesting to go to my place like a beta, grab her hand and lead her out of the club, THEN ask her to come to my place.

-girl at 1am on the street. very hot. kinda a bit scared at first, asks me if I was drunk, I say I only drank 1 pint. She closes up at first and kinda walks away from the interaction, like she is in a hurry. Ask for phone, says she doesn't give her phone to strangers, she gives me her instagram, I accept it and stay in there, keep talking with very low expectations, just for the practice. Then she opened up a bit, I ask her what neighborhood she lives in, says she is 5 blocks away. Then I say goodbye and kiss her in the cheek. 5 minutes later I want to shoot myself in the balls, I should have tried to instapull to her house. Instagram is almost a guaranteed ghost.

That's it.



November 19th

Woke up 9 am

Morning: drawing
Afternoon: drawing, played tennis
Night: drawing. got dressed to go out but made excuses and ended up drawing all night

BE DOGMATIC ABOUT YOUR VALUES
DONT LET ANYONE MANIPULATE YOU. FREEDOM IS ALSO ABOUT INTELECTUAL FREEDOM.

Productivity: 6.75/10
Mood: 7.0/10

November 20th

Woke up 11am fuck

Went downtown to do some chores but spent a lot of time looking for a place to get cash from credit card. There's only one thats open 24h fuck, what bumfuck town I live in Talked to 3 girls.

Went out late at night, should have gone earlier. Went to a club, it was pretty barren. Talked to about 4 girls, could have talked to more though.

7 total

November 21st

woke up 12am FUCK
didnt go out of my house

November 22nd

Woke up 12am FUCK.

Went out, too late again, drank alone. Talked to 2 girls, the only ones I saw though. And in uncomfortable situations (alone at night, nobody around in a 2 block distance, etc)

November 23rd

Morning: woke up 10 am. Drawing class, 2h.
Afternoon: Cut my hair at barber shop, saw a cute girl while I was on my bike, stopped by and asked the time. I still have trouble talking to girls while I am "on the go" instead of an specific approach session.
 
Sisyphus said:
I used not to like to post often because I felt I haven't achieved anything. But fuck that. I must report often. If I dont achieve anything that's my problem. My obligation is to report often, even if I fail daily. Life is struggle after struggle and then you succeed.

Girls

I approached a couple of girls last few days. Most notable:

-girl at club: kiss her within 30 seconds. put my hand on her throat and she digs it. very much horny so I ask her to leave with me many times and she says she is with her friend, etc. then finally she leaves under bathroom pretense. In hindisight, I should have been more agressive with the pull and separate her from her friends. Instead of verbally suggesting to go to my place like a beta, grab her hand and lead her out of the club, THEN ask her to come to my place.

-girl at 1am on the street. very hot. kinda a bit scared at first, asks me if I was drunk, I say I only drank 1 pint. She closes up at first and kinda walks away from the interaction, like she is in a hurry. Ask for phone, says she doesn't give her phone to strangers, she gives me her instagram, I accept it and stay in there, keep talking with very low expectations, just for the practice. Then she opened up a bit, I ask her what neighborhood she lives in, says she is 5 blocks away. Then I say goodbye and kiss her in the cheek. 5 minutes later I want to shoot myself in the balls, I should have tried to instapull to her house. Instagram is almost a guaranteed ghost.
Click to expand...

Fun stuff with the recent approaches.

And I'm really looking forward to seeing your art.
 
Not much really, besides a weak approach session.

November 24th

Morning: woke up very early (4am)
drawing
Afternoon: psychologist
Had important business meeting
Night: drawing

November 25th

Drawing all day, including watching courses and tutorials, can't remember much.

Stayed at night working on portfolio piece

November 26th

morning: Woke up 9am. Meditated, took cold shower

morning: drawing
afternoon: played tennis, drawing
night: drawing

Novrmber 27th

woke up super late. 11am. again I need to run the programmed task shutdown s so I dont stay up late.

Morning: drawing,
Afternoon: drawing, tutorial, business meeting. Work, creating logo, sanitazing social media, searching for my id which was extenuating. Fortunately found it.
Night: Set up binance account and did a coupme of stuff i dont remember
Went out at night, approached 0 girls= FAILURE
Productivity: 7.0/10
November 28th

Woke up 12am

it's great to embrace adversity
Sometimes that adversity is my own fuckups. My own hesitation and pussyfooting
My own mind
No one to blame.
But I can't even hate on myself, that doesn't work, I don't profit from it.
Lots of time I feel the impulse of ragequiting. But you can't ragequit in real life.


MM says that the most important thing in nightgame is what you do the first 60 seconds you enter the venue and yesterday I experienced just that.

November 29th

Wasted a lot of time today, being tense about college finals. Essentially, the same shit as always, I swore to myself that I'd quit college but I'm still in the middle, lukewarm...

Approached one group of 2 girls in the college vicinity. This is like 0 volume


I should talk to girls in my college, although I feel there's no anonimity+left wing aura makes me afraid of being a man. So approaching girls in my own campus is a big mental block.

Approached 5 chicks, 0 contacts. Good thing is wasnt feeling it, actually was feeling like shit and I was with my bike poorly dressed (spots of paint all over my clothes, etc). Skipped 1 good chance, but also talked to an older woman (which usually make me more anxious) and a group of two girls.

Then saw my plate, probably for the last time. Again, wasnt feeling, she messaged me out of the blue, I called her, no response, thencshe calls me like 2h later and I call her again, we meet, we go to her place.

On a purely factual analysis, I failed, didn't fuck her. I wasnt super desperate to fuck though. Actually since i banged her I lost a bit of attraction to her. But not seeing her for 2 weeks made me attracted to her again. This is one reason I know monogamy would suck for me btw.

Problem was I talked too much, I should have starter physically pushing for sex from the start. I should wait for "things to settle". One thing I noticed is, it's easier to be pushy when you are on your house. When she invites you over, it's easier to fall on her frame.

We talked about babies (she said she tried before and can't have babies and for some reason I believe her) and our shared opposition against abortion, perhaps it was too much of a heavy topic to talk about. I also showed her my art with she liked and that was an ego boost I guess.

I also was very explicit on my intentions of non monogamy (not only this time, but on other occassions). Ideally I should have been less overt about it. However I did have affectionate/caring little gestures towards her, as Chris suggests in his retention guide. Not as a contrieved scheme to win her over, but I genuinely felt like doing so.

Another good behavior of mine was correct/reprimand her when she talked me like I was her buddy (she referred to me something along the lines of "jerk"). I don't like the dynamic going in that direction. However she is a very respectful girl and she apologized.

In hindsight I believe that if I was pushier I could probably have fucked her, I only grabbed her ass a few times and tried to put her hand on my dick once. But there's a level of pushiness that doesn't sit right with me, so I prefer to go without sex than doing something I might regret tomorrow.  And since I already scored with her I wasn't so desperate. And I also thought that I was going to see her again.

She gifted me a sweater (from her ex) 'cause it was cold outside and I only had a t shirt and I left.

Later she messaged me that I should find a woman of my socioeconomic level and I was like wtf I don't care about that, then she blocked me. But she might unblock me, who knows.


----


Drawing stuff: Group pressure is very effective. That's why people are so ineffective when working at home.  So I think, in the girls parts of my life I am very close to world class people. But in art I'm only close to local artists, and my local teacher is kinda my mentor. But people aren't THAT serious in my atelier, like they are here. There used to be the. concept art forums, crimson daggers, etc, but they are all dead.
The best way to get access to an elite group of motivated people is to pay for a mentor.
Anthony Jones offers a mentorship program for $350, there are group classes, recorded lessons and individual critiques.
The other way is to get a job in the industry. When you work in a highly competitive environment you naturally surround yourself with high performance people. But to work in the industry you need to be good...

So it's hard to break from that circularity of "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer", but when you do, you make a quantum leap. And it's like people don't even notice that their own actions over time are the #1 thing that predicts their success or failure.
People in the atelier discord group just want to "chill", play league of legends, talk about random shit. And I'm like "bitch, don't you want to draw all day? don't you want to be rich and famous?" I honestly don't get it.

Another realization: I will get my logistics fixed now. I have a pua/player friend who lives in Bs As and he offered me to live in his house for a while. Of course I don't  want to do this without getting a job, I don't want to be a parasite. But it will be much easier to find a job in a big city. Plus I'm getting more confident about my ability to be a freelance illustrator.
 
November 30th

Drawing: 2h
Made about 30 comments on social media
Drawing atelier
Watched Raphael Lacoste class/conference.
Designed logo

Productivity: 7.0
Mood: 7.0

Dec 1st

woke up 10:30.

Morning: designed logo, little bit of drawing, downñoaded 3d models
Afternoon: psychologist, time wasting, college, approaches
night: time wasting, logo design
driving lessons: fucked up. I needed to sign up but I had to do it real quick, dec1st at midnight, shit's too crowded. Was late as usual.
Productivity: 7.0/10
Mood: 7.0/10


Dec 2nd

Morning: Woke up 9am. Fucked around til 11am. Meeting. Art tutorial.
Researched a bit about facebook and google ads campaign

Important business stuff:

SEO
ORGANIC TRAFFIC+PAID ADVERTISING
LEAD GEN
EMAIL LIST
FUNNEL
CALL TO ACTION
FOLLOW UP
REFERALS/TESTIMONIALS
RECURRING CLIENTS

Afternoon: read about biz.
Changed company name, created fb page, Google page.
Can't verify Google page.

Messed around with canvas and Adobe spark. God I'm so fuckin slow.

Dec 3

Morning: woke up 9am
Downloaded tutorials. Watched tutorials/courses. Researched reference for logo
Afternoon: tennis
night: stayed up late designing logo for my company.

Important thing for business: become an ESTABLISHED EXPERT

Dec 4

Woke up 9am

Watched two small courses. Drawing. Meeting. Setting up patreon, twitch, researched about other game art outsourcing companies

Dec 5 woke up 12am

Wasted time, but also watched a lot of 3d tutoi

Dec 6 woke up late

Dont remember much, just edited a video, watched 3d tutorials, drew a little bit.

Dec 7

woke up early
ALEX BECKER IS RIGHT.

NUMBER THING HOLDING ME BACK IS FRIENDS AND FAMILY

I NEED TO MOVE.

Dec 7

Woke up 9am
morning: watched tutorials studied for finalsam
Afternoon: final
Night: 2 approaches. Which is awfully low. Got in my head and had AA. Had in mind worst possible scenarios like noticiably creeping up girls and being scolded out of places etc

Dec 8

Walked up 9am.
Morning: drawing, video editing, reading about self publishing

afternoon: Drawing, recording timeñapse

night: felt a little bit depressed and lonely. I thought about going out and approaching but I need to study. Gotta finish some tasks.

Productivity: 7.0/10
Mood: 6.0/10
 
Sisyphus said:
And I think, that's the type of players you know in real life, sketchy people. The other guy I met that did approaches was sketchy too, crashed his bike and almost died, from a province, coloured skin and low class. And I think, perhaps thats how people perceive me when I approach. Talking to random girls requires the same amount of guts than being a pickpocket or drug dealer. No wonder so many pickup artists are scam artists.
Click to expand...

Damn, this is the second time I read that in your posts; referencing low class people. They have that classism in Mexico too. It must be a Latin America thing. Or maybe it doesn't translate well to English and you might mean a ghetto person. Sort of how Mexicans say the word "naco" in the cities.

Also I lost the post, but I wanted to comment on how you couldn't smash in the park with that girl you met via cold approach. That happened to me on my very first date ever. The story: One day I was at a restaurant and a worker there randomly sent her friend to give me a paper with her number on it. I hit her up a few days later and we scheduled a date. Near the end of our date, we ended up at a dark park and we're making out, then the girl says to me "you want to fuck?" I forgot my condom in my car so I just got a hand job instead... I was so bummed. I never saw her again. But it looks like you eventually got laid with your girl, I think.
 
Yup, eventually smashed that girl, then she ghosted me. This was an important milestone for me at the time, but now I look back and I'm "gosh I was so slow!". I should get better at pulling then smashing on the same day.
Not having my own place is kind of a huge psychological barrier, so I must fix that

Yup, it's kind of a translation issue. By low class I just mean ghetto, I am not trying to say it in a moralizing way. But it's true that classism exists, so when I date a girl that's ghetto I mention it because that's outside of my comfort zone, so I say it in a neutral/good way. There are certain experiences that ghetto people go through and middle class (like me) don't. Like for example two or three of this girl's ex boyfriends died, one in a motorcycle accident, another, by an unknown disease (and this happened the same day I met her). Another got in a fight with his friends and got shot. Then died a couple of years later by an stroke related to this event. Oh and her boyfriends beat her too.

My first girlfriend was like that too. She lived literally in a ghetto neighborhood (I mean, improvised houses with metal sheet roofs), at a very young age she got pregnant she had like 2 or 3 kids and one of her exes died by an unknown disease. So ghetto people are more in contact with rough experiences, death, disease, being treated like trash, etc. I'm going a little bit of topic, but, again, I'm mentioning this as a good thing/learning experience, poor people live more in the present, they have no choice. I'm not saying they are virtous or are morally perfect, but they live more fearlessly i'd say, they have nothing to lose. Meanwhile middle class plays "not to lose", which is why probably middle class is the worst place to be in (or the best, if you like to play it safe). Basically, if you live in first world countries or are middle class in third world countries, you are too fucking entitled and will fail at life because of that. Guys from rough backgrounds have more balls than guys that were born with a silver spoon on their mouth. Thanks to approaching I was able to go out of my little bubble and discover the real world. I'm still in a bubble though.

In the case of that guy I met at the club though, I wasn't making any assumptions, he literally told me he picks pockets and shit. Sometimes your gut feeling is right. It's rare to find someone who approaches women and it's cool to find a natural that doesn't approach in a needy indirect pua style, so I ignored that. But it was a mistake, the guy was a liar and scammed me the equivalent of 2 USD. Never again. Better to go solo.
 
I've been drawing every single day for 5+. There's a ton of shit that I did wrong, procrastination, excuses wrong doings. I've been approaching herecand there but overall I've been a pussy, I can't sustain high volume approach and I need to move.
I've also been a pussy and not contacting clients on fiverr. default is a motherfucker.
I've got about 5 pieces on my portfolio. I share one of the best. Not that anyone gives a fuck, I write this for my own self expression and perhaps I can help someone. I'm a loser but there's always someone worse than you and perhaps my mistakes can be a case study of what not to do. Basically, at some point pf my gll journey

1) I grew entitled and I thought I was some hot shit for being able to cold approach. big deal. no one cares. you still dont approach high volume, you still cant get laid consistently. and fuck, it took you like 5 months to do your first cold approach, then you did like 100caproaches in a year... you had all the advantages, aa program, etc. your not above average, you just found the right information

2) speaking of right information, at some point I got seduced by the bullshit self help industry. thank god I'm broke so I never bought any seminar or book, but I believed their sales pitch. I never believe in the law of attraction, synchronicity or any of that pathetic dumb bs. But I did think that there was perhaps an "easy way", a technique, that I was doing things "wrong" and I should work smarter. It doesnt take much to go from tryn to work smart to "dont even achieve goals bro. you can hack yourself into being happy without goinf thru the hardship of pursuing superficial material success". While, again, I never believed literally believed on the "spiritual realm", "spiritual beings" or any of that superflous crap (I became a hardcore christian at one point but that's a completely different story) I did become more of a zen/spiritual guy, renouncing material success, being more 'accepting', etc. I hindsight it was an obvious cope from reaIity. I fucked up big time. I diverted from the original gll shit that brought me results. I miss 2018. I feel I actually did shit that year. I couldnt complete the AA program. Day 42 was all my weak flesh was able to perform. But I did try my hardest. With a hand on my heart, I went way beyond my comfort zone. And future was looking bright. I was almost a hopeful case. I discovered gll on 2017. Early 2018 started the AA program and I quit on day 7 or 8 I thought I was slow back then but damn, only 6 months later I bulldozed thru it again and was high fiving girls left and right. After day 30 I started self sabotaging massively but pushed thru it. day 42 wasnt that bad. yes I should have finished it. But still. I had hope in myself. I was able to cold approach, I was on elite ground. Or so I thought. My bar was simply too low. Then I moved to a small town and took the foot off the accelerator. This is a big mistake. Never take things slower. Your subconscious mind is looking for opportunities to fuck you. If you make things easier for yourself, you'll underperform

3) I completely underestimated how harmful it would be for my development as a man to stay at home with my parents. I fucked up big time with this decision. Not only I lost control of my location and logistics. But seeing my father waste his potential watching dumb news all day has been heart fucking breaking. I love him to pieces but I want to fuck off and not talk to him for a year.

So yeah. I'm running out of time. I'm so fucking fed up at my pussyness. I need to stop talking or talking way less to some peopleN starting with my parents. I also need to force myself to be optimistic. No one cares about your trials and tribulations. Ppl care about your results. JUST COLD APPROACH PPL ON FIVERR AND DESIGN THEIR LOGO. DOESNT MATTER YOU ARENT A GRAPHIC DESIGNER. AN 80 IQ GUY COULD DO THIS.

further thoughts:
approach is like chinese torture. it isn't the first drop of water that gets you.
it's getting 60 rejections in a row what makes you doubt your existence
EVERY GREAT MENTOR IS DOGMATIC. MY WAY IS THE ONLY WAY

DO THE DRILL AS IT IS WRITTEN. DONT CHANGE RHE PROGRAM. moving stuff A QUARTER OF AN INCH changes everything. AND YOU DO IT UNCONSCIOUSLY!! YOU STEP ON YOUR DICK WIDOUT REALISING IT!

FRUSTRATION FOR NOT APPROACHING FEEDS YOUR FUTURE AUDACITY=EVERY DISADVANTAGE HAS THE SEED 9F AN EQUAL ADVANTAGE

YOU GOTTA WANT IT BAD ENOUGH

YOU GOTTA DO STUFF LIKE YOU WERE LEARNING FOR A TEST. YOU GOTTA PERFORM. IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INTELLECTUALLY KNOW.

ONLY LEARN SHIT YOU WILL APPLY.
ANGER IS GOOD. ANGER MAKES YOU PRODUCTIVE.

BE ON YOUR BIKE 24 7

YOU NEED TO ACCEPT HOW FUCKED YOU ARE IN ORDER TO MAKE PROGRESS

YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOUR FAILURES IN THE EYE AND ADMIT TO YOURSELF: I AM PUSSY. I AM LAZY. I MADE A SHIT TON OF MISTAKES. I HAVENT ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I SAID I WAS GONNA DO. AND U NEED TO KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH AND KEEP FIGHTING.

RECENTLY I'VE BEEN THINKING THAT THE EFFECTS OF PORN AND SOCIAL MEDIA ARE CUMULATIVE. IF YOU KEEP INDULGING THAT, IT WILL BE HARDER TO GET RID OF BAD HABITS. THE OLDER YOU ARE, THE MORE BAGGAGE YOU HAVE.
 
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