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GN's Progress Log - Physique Update, Moving Soon, and First Time Getting High

Enjoyable read, congratz ;)

For ED issue, one tactic is once you get in your head and start pressuring yourself, it's best to take control of the situation by slowing things down, being honest that your in your in head with performance anxiety, and that it's best to chill abit with cuddles and making out. Be unapologetic about it, and kind to yourself.

Telling the girl and getting her reassurance that it's okay, can remove the massive pressure where you think she's dissapointed you cant get it up.

Trying to force up a boner with thoughts has failed every single time ive tried.

Also motorboating that ass and a bj counts as sex in my book xpp
 
pancakemouse said:
I bestow this emoji on you, GN44 as the latest to experience the power of black girl magic.

YOU FUCKING KING

Ayyye thanks man. Black girls, especially lightskins are top tier.

pancakemouse said:
You just have to frame control this: "yeah i hear ya that sucks that's why its good to move on" <change subject>

Which is what I did. Just threw some "oh damn that sucks", because I figured asking more questions would just make most of the date about her ex who I don't give a flying fuck about.

pancakemouse said:
Too much chase by you here. The vibe you want to give off in these moments is "I want this less than the girl does". Always be pulling away before she does. Make her chase YOU. Otherwise she knows you want it too much and that triggers her alarm bells.

Luckily you played it very well with her curiosity into wanting to blow you and managed to get past it - there are many ways to skin the cat, but with better setup you could have avoided all this and had more smooth sailing.

I agree, I was just horny and its been a while since I made out with a girl so I was really really wanting this. I should have maybe talked a bit more during the date so she has less excuse to pull away so I could initiate any pull aways. foducossy42 pointed it out to me that her whole pulling away to talk thing was her logical brain kicking in about her making out with a guy she doesn't know a ton about so I need to get her back to an emotional brain state. You're right though I could have had a smoother road had I put more effort into controlling the frame and passing her shit tests if you could consider what she did a "shit test" rather than qualifying to her.

pancakemouse said:
Who needs porn!!! You should be satisfying yourself to this mental image for years to come. It is truly astounding how much of a range there is with female oral skills. I can say after ~140 or so, girls like these are rare, so relish in it.

I am still reminiscing about her ass and how good the blowjob was. Her skin was also super soft and warm, sucks I am leaving uni cuz otherwise I think I could have made her a plate. My turmoil around the reason for why I relapsed to porn has been resolved but I think I am still using it out of habit, so now its time I just refocus on kicking it again especially since school is done.

Olafsmash said:
Enjoyable read, congratz

For ED issue, one tactic is once you get in your head and start pressuring yourself, it's best to take control of the situation by slowing things down, being honest that your in your in head with performance anxiety, and that it's best to chill abit with cuddles and making out. Be unapologetic about it, and kind to yourself.

Telling the girl and getting her reassurance that it's okay, can remove the massive pressure where you think she's dissapointed you cant get it up.

Trying to force up a boner with thoughts has failed every single time ive tried.

Also motorboating that ass and a bj counts as sex in my book xpp

Absolutely agree. I got in my head also cuz she said it was getting late and how she has to walk to her car in the dark. I said I would walk her back, nbd. Though she the same thing a few times but never seemed to truly have much urgency. I think it was cuz she truly was having fun w/ me though. But in the moment I thought she was fr and I wanted to just fuck her quickly so she can go. That is where the self pressure came from.

In retrospect if she kept showing little urgency or even if the urgency was increasing I should have taken it slow regardless.
 
4/29
Daily Actions:
->Weekly Gym: 0/3
->Today's Calories: 1217
->Today's Sugar intake: 27g
->Today's Protein Intake: 61g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

4/30
Daily Actions:
->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 1817
->Today's Sugar intake: 86g
->Today's Protein Intake: 96g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

5/1
Daily Actions:
->Weekly Gym: 1/3
->Today's Calories: 1514
->Today's Sugar intake: 95g
->Today's Protein Intake: 51g
->Approach: Yes
->Skincare: Yes

5/2
Daily Actions:
->Weekly Gym: 2/3
->Today's Calories: 2675
->Today's Sugar intake: 120g
->Today's Protein Intake: 71g
->Approach: No
->Skincare: Yes

Notes:
I haven't been eating much because I dealt with some pretty bad stomach cramps as a result of not eating at all on Saturday then trying to eat out a lot with my friends on Sunday. I have been slowly trying to eat more again.

I took a break from here to lock in for finals but still wanted to post my recent date logs so I could get feedback, otherwise I would forget important details about those dates. Finals was really rough, I spent a lot of time thinking I wouldn't be ready as I had a lot of content to cover. Felt a lot of pressure and was worried if I don't do this right I will most likely fail PBiochem 2. Molecular Genetics I wanted to clutch up an A-.

Well good news on both is I ended with a B+ on Molecular Genetics, even though its not the grade I wanted it was a very tough class with a lot of material I needed to know. On Tuesday I went to the research lab to finish the last part of my experiment for the grad student I was working under. Once I finished the experiment and started cleaning up my space I got a notification that my last final grade had been posted. Up until then I only got my Stats, Biochem Research, and Mol Gen grades entered so it was time to see if I passed PBiochem. I refreshed the page and my heart was beating so fast out of anxiety as I waited to see my final grade. I FUCKING PASSED WITH A B-. That was a massive load lifted off my shoulders. On Wednesday I got the results of my research and my results were very good so that made me happy too. Now I finally feel done with college.

I also scheduled my gyno surgery for May 9th, so a few days after my graduation. The day after I get back to California I have a preop appointment where they will show me some more surgery specifics and get some photos of me before my surgery. I am so excited for this long nightmare to end.

Once my stomach cramps became tolerable I tried to do some approaching. Did like 4 sets Monday and 1 set on Tuesday and Wednesday. Could have done way more if volume was better but many students have already cleared out of campus. One of my sets just blew me off or just briefly acknowledged me and just walked off not wanting to be bothered. Another didn’t acknowledge me even when I spoke up so I left. Maybe I should push harder with unresponsive sets but in the moment I didn’t want to incite unnecessary conflict.

I hung out with my wing on Tuesday and I helped him take some photos for his Hinge profile with my DSLR. I got two pics I really liked out of the ones I took and I sent them to him after a little editing. Feels nice to provide value to someone like him. Sucks I may never see him again and I’ve barely known him a month. I treated him to dinner as he did me a massive favor back when we first met. Wish there was more time we could spend but oh well. I’ve spent a lot of the last few days just having fun with friends and saying my goodbyes to all the fun I’ve had at OSU.

Also, before I took my finals I got a long text from K saying she wasn’t sure if she was in the place for an LDR and a bunch of other stuff about how she thinks I’m a great guy and all plus how she’s going through the stuff she is. I responded back saying my peace about how I think it’s best we just end things despite them never starting lol. I was already beginning to lose feelings when she blocked me anyways. But at least that’s out of my hair now.
 
As of May 5th I have officially graduated college with my Bachelors of Science in Biochemistry. Man what a journey these four years have been, but I can say with confidence I had a ton of fun in my last year. Ive spent a ton of time in the past few days reflecting on all that has transpired in the past year. I owe a huge portion of the reason I had fun to you guys here of the KYIL (now Winner Within but back then KYIL) community. I remember being hesitant to start a log here at the beginning of my 4th year but starting it was probably one of the best decisions I have made in my life. If it wasn't for the honest advice from you guys I would have just stayed another wallflower of a man who could barely get dates and thought the world was at fault, not himself. I won't lie though I have been kinda depressed over having to say goodbye to my friends. The first friend I made when I started putting myself out there and joining clubs sent me a text thanking me for being such a good friend and for the fun memories we and also our mutuals made together. Fuck man I was about to tear up right before my flight on the 5th. Overall I felt really connected at this uni, and I am glad I chose the school I did to spend 4 years of my life.

Because of this community's support I managed to lose my virginity. I also got better style, dating app pictures, vibe, and I became a better person through developing a growth mindset. August 2022 me saw myself as an undesirable piece of shit who would have to settle for some ugly woman, but now May 2024 me doesn't think that is the case. I feel like I am more desirable and I am worthy of love and sex. I went from 0 dates and lays before April 2023 to now 19 dates and 2 lays and a year later. All I needed to do was take control of my life and take action. Now more than ever before I stand closer to my goal of getting the kind of gf I want.

I say this from the bottom of my heart, thank you everyone of Winner Within for being patient with me even when I was at my worst. I still have a fuck ton of growth left to do externally and internally, but I am excited to see where the road takes me. Since I will be in recovery for gyno for a month I want to take more time to work on inner game. More specifically being a more positive person as well as being less anxious/neurotic. I tend to worry about shit all the time and overthink so doing less of that would be pretty rad.

I also just got gyno surgery yesterday. Feels so amazing to know the thing that caused me a decade worth of self hate and humiliation is gone. This community really helped me see how valuable doing this would be for me. On the topic of the operation itself, it went really well. Past few days they had me wash my chest with a special disinfectant wash so I did just that. Day of the surgery they called me at 9:30 AM and asked if I could come in now since my doctor is early. Originally they wanted me in at 10:30 AM. I called a Lyft and got checked in. Nurse had me sign a form or two, told me to change my clothes into a surgery gown, and shaved the surgery area. First the nurse took my vitals and inserted an IV into a vein in my forearm. Then the plastic surgeon came in, did some markings on my chest and made marks for where the lateral incision was going to be as well as the drainage tube. Once him and the nurse left the anesthesiologist came in and asked if I had any questions. I just clarified if the general anesthesia would have me not feel anything. He said I won't feel a thing, and that was great. He left and another nurse came in, did some last minute checks, and wheeled me into the OR. I got into the OR and they got me on the table, put an EKG to monitor my vitals, and gave me a warm blanket so I was comfortable. The anesthesiologist came in and was fiddling with my arm I had my IV in, moments later I started feeling some discomfort in that arm and I looked up at the operation room light.

Next thing I remember I was being wheeled into a new room when I woke up, feeling some tightness on my chest. I got told my dad was picking me up since my surgery ended while my mom was still at work. I was also told I wouldn't be needing drainage tubes, fucking awesome as my mom was freaking out a little about those. Turns out they administered the anesthesia through my IV which is why I felt that discomfort. The anesthesia had me so fucking woozy though and my movement and speech were not coherent at all. The nurse got me some juice to tide me over and I called my dad. I put on my clothes and headed home to take a nap. I slept for a good 1-2 hours and when I woke up I felt refreshed.

Surprisingly I am not in much pain, I can move my arms mostly fine minus lifting heavy objects and lifting my arms above my head. I can do basic tasks like eat, brush my teeth, skincare, etc. My only real pain is some discomfort in my chest, but thats what the meds are for. I took off my shirt to see my vest and feels so nice to see it mostly flat. There is some swelling though I can tell but it should die down after a week and then some as more time passes. I can't lie though my first night sleeping post surgery kinda bites. I can't move at all during my sleep and have to sleep with my head elevated. The recovery feels like one big exercise in focus.

I have my followup on May 15th so I can probably get a better picture of the difference surgery made then. Ill keep y'all posted and maybe put up a picture.
 
Last edited:
Changed my username to Vic since that is usually the name I go by on the internet. GN44 was just a very on the fly username anyways.

I am about 5 days post-op now and I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow. This vest is seriously irritating af time to time so hopefully he lets me take it off every now and then since its probably healed some. I am dying to take a proper shower. I told myself before recovery I was gonna try to put in effort towards inner work but I feel really directionless in my efforts and idk what else I should do. It feels so weird being unable to focus on gym and dating for the moment. Because of that I just feel lazy which bleeds into other areas of life that don't have as much to do with those two.

If we are talking what exactly I want to get better at its managing anxiety, stress, and thinking more positively.

The actions I think I have taken so far are:
->Quitting Porn
->Deleting Social Media that feeds me negativity off my phone/blocking it on my computer
->Actively reframing negative thoughts I have
->Going outside for at least 30 minutes to an hour a day

I am open to trying some new stuff to at least feel like I am taking some action towards these goals.
 
for inner work, lock your phone and all internet access away and stare at a wall for 30 minutes. you can also go for a phoneless walk. journaling is also massively helpful.

it's a lot easier to peer into yourself when you are free from the shackles of the internet world
 
Congrats on your successful surgery, it sounds like it's a game-changer!

Regarding inner work: have you tried meditation? One of the most powerful things in the world is observing your own thoughts.
 
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I think it depends on what specific anxieties/negative thoughts are bothering you. Is there an area in particular? Girls, friends, money, etc.? Or a specific thought or set of thoughts or feelings?
 
for inner work, lock your phone and all internet access away and stare at a wall for 30 minutes. you can also go for a phoneless walk. journaling is also massively helpful.

it's a lot easier to peer into yourself when you are free from the shackles of the internet world
Started doing that at night, I turn off all electronics an hour before bed and journal at least a paragraph. I also try to get in one walk w/o my phone a day.
I think it depends on what specific anxieties/negative thoughts are bothering you. Is there an area in particular? Girls, friends, money, etc.? Or a specific thought or set of thoughts or feelings?
Negativity in general, like whenever I say something or think something there is a chance its accompanied by a negative thought. Anxiety just around most life events like a deadline, an upcoming date, and really anything to do with the future. Its tough to explain its just that my bad habits around stress, anxiety, and negativity are very ingrained in my being so I want to try and make the attempt to fix it

Congrats on your successful surgery, it sounds like it's a game-changer!

Regarding inner work: have you tried meditation? One of the most powerful things in the world is observing your own thoughts.
I did try it initially and didn't find it too helpful but I have started doing it before I sleep to relax my mind.
 
Do you spend a lot of time on screens?
Yes

------------------------------

5/16
Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2491
Protein: 121g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off at 11PM: Yes
Skincare: No

5/17
Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2587
Protein: 117g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off at 11PM: Yes
Skincare: Yes

5/18
Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2440
Protein: 99g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off at 11PM: Yes
Skincare: Yes

5/19
Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 1339
Protein: 50g
Meditation: No
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: No
Electronics off at 11PM: No
Skincare: Yes

Notes:

Created a New Daily Plan/Habit tracking thingy to stick to. I have been journaling for the past five days before bed and its been really helpful for looking into my thoughts. I try to reinforce positivity by taking anything negative I write in it and trying to say something positive in return. Ive been off painkillers for 5 days now. First 3 days my sleep was garbage. Next 2 days I started taking melatonin tablets before I go to bed which did help my sleep a little bit. I started using meditation before I sleep to calm my mind, surprisingly even when I struggle to sleep it still helps. Even with inconsistent sleep though my surgery results make me willing to put up with it. I am 1.5 weeks postop and my results look really good minus my right pec looking slightly more swollen than my left. When I had gyno my right moob was slightly larger than my left. It should go away in due time.

I have been working on my personal statement, master's applications, and tackling an AI project that my family friend invited me on as an intern. I didn't really have time to think about it my mom was just forcing it down my throat to help out my family friend. I am tired of unpaid shit. I feel like a dick for saying this but I feel like I am wasting my time and I should just go get a job involving patient care since thats what my future career is gonna involve. But whats the point complaining if I am taking little action towards actually getting a job. It could just be cuz of how when I have applied before most companies don't hit me back or I just get rejected. I filled out the forms and got approval to shadow a family friend once I finish my surgery recovery (early June). Once I finish shadowing, I will try to leverage the connection to get a job. I told my family about my feelings and got told I am looking at it the wrong way since AI is gonna be the future no matter what I think. I don't disagree but I just want to advance my career and focus on directly relevant stuff.

The harsh reality of being an adult is starting to hit me now. I was really sad about leaving college and saying goodbye to all my friends, but I took some solace in coming home and maybe reconnecting with my local best friends. But they all have their own lives now and are gonna be busier. Meanwhile my brother who just finished his first year is still able to have fun with his local friends and do fun stuff since they're still young. He also does far better in dating than me and I just feel jealous of his life now. Having a hard time staying positive. On that aspect I think I could ask if he could help me improve my profile. From what I have seen of his profile it just communicates high status so I should work to become someone who at least looks high status. I also need to diversify my outfit choices to look edgier. I have to reach the next level. I think I have progressed pretty linearly though. My level 1 was just random mishmash pictures, level 2 was my first photoshoot w/ some results, then level 3 was when I fixed my style+grooming and started taking pics. I got more results from that. Now I need to reach level 4 which is looking good and communicating higher status.

Theres a lot I need to work on, I feel pretty overwhelmed trying to tackle it all ngl. I think right now I am just looking for a sense of purpose.
 
Started doing that at night, I turn off all electronics an hour before bed and journal at least a paragraph. I also try to get in one walk w/o my phone a day.
nice dude.

i still personally get into super fucked up mental states from being hooked onto a chat or screen all day. it used to be my default state of operation, in fact. maybe you also feel that way.

but i'm training myself how to snap out of it. since i bought a timer lock, i can "free" myself from the internet.
getting out the door without my phone and just walking aimlessly for as long as i want tends to get me in that brain wave state that allows for inner work. when i lived in america, i sometimes took a long drive instead.


I think right now I am just looking for a sense of purpose.
maybe the nophoning+walking will help with this, great to see you trying it out too!

also no-tech staring at the wall for 30-60 minutes tends to get you feeling aligned with a purpose. usually it's not that you don't have the ability to align yourself with your purpose, it's that you're too mentally distracted upstairs to be able to focus and hone in on it.
 
Negativity in general, like whenever I say something or think something there is a chance its accompanied by a negative thought. Anxiety just around most life events like a deadline, an upcoming date, and really anything to do with the future. Its tough to explain its just that my bad habits around stress, anxiety, and negativity are very ingrained in my being so I want to try and make the attempt to fix it
Okay, I think you should dig a little deeper than just I tend to be negative. Like what kind of thoughts are we talking about. Is it “it sucks that it’s raining” or “my life sucks” because those are very different. “This movie is boring” or “I hate my job” Etc. Are these trivial thoughts or reflective of other problems? Are you holding negative beliefs that these thoughts are originating from?

The inner work and outer work are usually related, I wouldn’t think of them as separate. Living a great life is going to make you more positive and being more positive is going to improve your life. You need to work on it from both angles. If your life has glaring deficiencies, at least attempting to fix those is going to have to play a role in improving your attitude. Reading through your log I can see you have a lot of career issues right now. That’s normal for someone who just graduated. Sorting all this stuff out is going to be a part of the “inner work” too. It’s very hard to be happy when you don’t have employment and don’t have control over your life. I would take these problems as head on as you can. Try asking for the board’s advice about it, maybe somebody would have some insight.

Introspection and rational thought have their place as well, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by your problems and it starts to (wrongly) feel hopeless and you have to talk yourself out of that. But it does sound like you have some tangible problems to tackle.
 
Spending time away from screens does wonder to my mental health, I encourage you to just go out more for walks, write down stuff... Locking down your screens 1 hour before bed is super nice! Try 2 or 3 once in a while. Try screen free evenings even.
Also, try starting using screens later in the day.

On Sundays I like not touching screens before 2pm. It feels good and ends up being a super productive moment.


I think screen-free time, meditation, walks, writing, sleeping enough, eating well, working out... all of this is a key part of inner game
 
nice dude.

i still personally get into super fucked up mental states from being hooked onto a chat or screen all day. it used to be my default state of operation, in fact. maybe you also feel that way.

but i'm training myself how to snap out of it. since i bought a timer lock, i can "free" myself from the internet.
getting out the door without my phone and just walking aimlessly for as long as i want tends to get me in that brain wave state that allows for inner work. when i lived in america, i sometimes took a long drive instead.
When I was in uni I would be sometimes be studying until I sleep so I would still be stressed and anxious af when I went to bed. Its a bad mindset I have with work that I need to "earn" my stress relief which I only think I deserve when I finish everything I wrote on my task list. Of course sometimes I don't make it happen cuz I overshoot how much I can get done in the day.

Sleep on its own doesn't function to relieve stress for me so I absolutely get what you are saying. When I turn off my electronics I just start getting ready for bed, do skincare, journal, and meditate. Any time I have in between I just fiddle with random stuff I have sitting around my room.

maybe the nophoning+walking will help with this, great to see you trying it out too!

also no-tech staring at the wall for 30-60 minutes tends to get you feeling aligned with a purpose. usually it's not that you don't have the ability to align yourself with your purpose, it's that you're too mentally distracted upstairs to be able to focus and hone in on it.

Its definitely not something that will come quickly but I do feel like my mind is more peaceful now so I can have more clarity in my thoughts. I still find it interesting I feel this way despite me knowing for certain things what I want, but maybe its cuz my present feels uncertain even if the future end goal I am mostly clear on.
 
Okay, I think you should dig a little deeper than just I tend to be negative. Like what kind of thoughts are we talking about. Is it “it sucks that it’s raining” or “my life sucks” because those are very different. “This movie is boring” or “I hate my job” Etc. Are these trivial thoughts or reflective of other problems? Are you holding negative beliefs that these thoughts are originating from?

The inner work and outer work are usually related, I wouldn’t think of them as separate. Living a great life is going to make you more positive and being more positive is going to improve your life. You need to work on it from both angles. If your life has glaring deficiencies, at least attempting to fix those is going to have to play a role in improving your attitude. Reading through your log I can see you have a lot of career issues right now. That’s normal for someone who just graduated. Sorting all this stuff out is going to be a part of the “inner work” too. It’s very hard to be happy when you don’t have employment and don’t have control over your life. I would take these problems as head on as you can. Try asking for the board’s advice about it, maybe somebody would have some insight.

Introspection and rational thought have their place as well, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by your problems and it starts to (wrongly) feel hopeless and you have to talk yourself out of that. But it does sound like you have some tangible problems to tackle.
I think my negative thoughts boil down to worries about my life. Some examples:

-Now that I graduated I worry if I will be able to make a solid social circle and have close friendships on the level of those I had in my high school and college years. Me and everyone else are just gonna get busier from here on out so will it really be possible to connect with others?

-If I will actually be able to get the physique I want and lose that stubborn belly-fat I have or will my genetics fuck me over.

-Will I be able to ever have normal sex? This mainly comes from my past sexual experiences when I couldn't fully get it up and just struggle to put on condoms.

I will 100% open to career advice and job stuff. I want to use tutoring for side cash but I haven't been very successful as of late so I just left it on my backburner. I am gonna start shadowing in June so I can use the connection for a job as well as apply to a bunch of places online to see if they hire me. The only missing piece I have in my Master's apps is patient care experience and or actually working in a healthcare setting.

I do introspect a lot, thats mainly what journaling is for as well. It kinda forces me to introspect and I have learned some things about myself and other people as a result. I compiled a list of stuff I want to work on over the summer that Ill post here in a bit
 
Spending time away from screens does wonder to my mental health, I encourage you to just go out more for walks, write down stuff... Locking down your screens 1 hour before bed is super nice! Try 2 or 3 once in a while. Try screen free evenings even.
Also, try starting using screens later in the day.

On Sundays I like not touching screens before 2pm. It feels good and ends up being a super productive moment.


I think screen-free time, meditation, walks, writing, sleeping enough, eating well, working out... all of this is a key part of inner game

Taking an hour off my screens does really help me since I think I am just a zombie sometimes when I am on. Probably cuz I am just looking for my next source of entertainment rather than being productive.

I did try implementing the 1 hour rule before in uni and I was doing alright with it until I got busy again. Summer is a pretty good time to take time off screens since I am not worried about nearly as much bullshit as I used to. Once I get more comfortable with 1 hour I will be able to easily move it to 2-3 like you said.

Using later in the day is a great idea too, I'll make it a point to implement. I and many others have a bad habit of checking our phones right when we wake up and that can mess with my eye-health in the long run, so to start maybe for an hour after I wake up no screens then gradually increase it over time.

Last part is very true. I am working on getting all of these down
 
5/20

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2337
Protein: 122g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

5/21

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2160
Protein: 120g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: No
Electronics off 1 hour before bed:
Skincare:

5/22

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2791
Protein: 140g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: No
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

5/23

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2486
Protein: 123g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

Notes:

My mind feels a lot more peaceful lately as I am taking some actions to feel less lazy while I recover. I have finally hit 2 weeks postop, which is interesting as I feel like more time has passed than what actually has transpired. Well whatever, I hope these last two weeks go by fast so I can be out of this vest and back in the gym. Looking at myself I really wanna go ham and bulk up. I have my skincare on lock and gyno is gone. Now I need to work on muscle and eventually losing my stubborn fat+love handles.

For my skin I started using tretinoin cream instead of the retinol I got from Target (because I lost it lmao). My mom says its much better anyways. Ill take her word for it since she looks in her 30s at 50. My brother said he thinks my skin is starting to look better nowadays too so Ill keep this up.

I also finished up working on my personal statement and I revised my resume with all the stuff I worked on in College. My dad proofread the resume and I just made some more edits from there. My professors want a transcript, my personal statement, and my resume to write proper letters of recommendation. One wanted a picture of me as I took his class around 2.5 years ago so he barely remembers what I look like. So Ill take something that looks semi-professional soon.

Took the picture then sent it all in. Don't have to worry about the letters until closer to the due date now

I also compiled the list of stuff I want to work on so here it is:

Things to work on (Not in Order):
-Managing my anxiety (to where it isn't affecting those around me)
-Getting better at managing stress
-Thinking more positively
-Driving on the Highway (yeah ik I keep procrastinating on this)
-Making some money/getting a job
-Better pictures for Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble
-Summer (and General) Style
-Building Muscle

I think if I set small baby-steps for each I will make good progress.
 
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5/24

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2383
Protein: 146g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: Yes
Skincare: Yes

5/25

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2402
Protein: 97g
Meditation: Yes
Journal: Yes
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: Yes
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

5/26

Daily Actions:
Today's Calories: 2348
Protein: 138g
Meditation: No
Journal: No
30 Minute Phoneless Walk: No
Electronics off 1 hour before bed: No
Skincare: Yes

Notes:

I went driving with my brother on Saturday on the highway and I didn't think it was all that hard. I did make a really big mistake at one point during our session though which he yelled at me for. I was okay with that as I understood why, but later my mom asked him how our session went and he told her about the mistake. Now she is super paranoid about me driving and says I have to wait until my dad is free to take me for another session. Literally she is creating a new obstacle for me out of nothing even though when my brother called me out in the moment. I did the drill two more times and didn't make the same mistake. I hate waiting at this point because I have procrastinated on fully learning to drive. Still though I think one more session and I should be good. I need to know how to fully drive cuz my logistics where I live now are straight ASS so I need my car for me to have some shot at dating normally. Also being able to drive out to the city to approach since my town population is kinda small.

I was doing alright this weekend until Sunday. I had a really bad negativity spiral that day cuz me and my friend were planning to hang out. Ive been so bored at home that I was excited to finally get out and see him since its been a whole year since I last saw him. He canceled on me last minute though due to some bullshit with his parents. I have been friends with him for a long time and I know how his parents are so I am not surprised. I think what upset me is how much I have been comparing myself to my brother and seeing how easy it is for him to see his friends. Meanwhile me I have a much harder time so its like I can't even see one of my friends meanwhile he can and that pisses me off. He also does 10x better than me on the apps and has the audacity to say that its just a game to him and realistically he doesn't care about these girls. Bitch then just pass them here. I have tried asking him for advice but I can't get anything of substance as it just seems like it all comes naturally to him. Because of this, I explained to him my vision of my profile which is based on what everyone here has given me feedback on and he looks at me like I am insane and overthinking it.

I just started spiraling being like "he has it so easy" and just started listing off everything I dealt with that he didn't. He didn't have to deal with gyno, hair loss, autism, ADHD, and bullying. I feel like the only thing I have better than him is being above average in height while he is below average. Realistically though even with all I have dealt with I still have it easy compared to others. I never had to worry about money growing up and I had a very good family I am still grateful for. I did reschedule with my friend so hopefully he comes through. I wanna make more friends but it just seems hard now that I have graduated, plus maybe others are too preoccupied with their own lives to care about meeting new people. But maybe thats all just in my head and there are people who are open to it out there.

My big inner-game issue I seem to be having right now is my constant comparison of myself to my brother and my almost childish whining of thinking I should be doing better than him because I had to overcome more. Life isn't fair and it is gonna get harder from here on out whether I like it or not. But in any case getting the driving thing done should make me feel better as thats one thing off my bucketlist. Next thing is needing new photos as comparing my profile to his the only pic I genuinely think is good is my headshot. The rest I just don't like for some reason, maybe its just cuz I am not content with my current results and want better.

Ive also been struggling with urges to watch porn again. Not gonna give in as I know it will just bring me pain and misery. I think this is just a sign I need to go on dates and get some lays. Got less than 1.5 weeks until I am free of the vest so my life can return to normal of working on gym and dating.

@MakingAComeback I think I remember reading from your log or somewhere else on the forum you have a brother who had it easy in dating. Did you ever have issues regarding comparing yourself?
 
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Hey bro. I am having issues with the notifications so apologies for getting back to this late.

Alright. Comparison with other guys.

Look. Here's the truth I've gotten to after 3 years of HUSTLING this shit like crazy,

What set me free from the comparison trap, was just learning the truths about attraction, dating, and how SMV is just king in this game.

The more I worked, the more I dedicated myself, the harder I went, and the absolute grinding I put in for many years, didn't get me what I was looking for.

And the suspicions I had about dating, were confirmed to be true. Looks are 90% of your outcomes. If you have a deficit in social skills and vibe (you do - I don't, and haven't for a long time), you have to correct this before you can obtain some basic and consistent results. But even when you do, your SMV will largely determine your cap in dating outcomes unless you can compensate with extraordinary social skills, confidence, and tactical persuasion skills which border on straight up manipulation and dark triad psychopathy.

We generally don't want to go into all of that...Most men who are not very weird, do not resonate with that shit.

What IMO is better for the human animal, is to make men as attractive as they can be physically, and then give them great social skills, vibe, and the ability to properly connect with others.

ANY man can be the best version of themselves. And if you really want something, and are relentless, there are ALWAYS ways to get it.

The best thing for you to do, is just focus on YOUR results.

What stopped me from comparing, was being around so many of these guys, and seeing that they were just normal guys. Honestly, some of them were total incompetent losers. In a looks based game like dating, substance is a lot less important. I saw that. I value substance, integrity, and values, so I stopped seeing dating results as "impressive", when I saw how so many of the men behind those results, were by all accounts, low lives and losers who lacked any kind of values.

As a guy who did the work, I noticed how I never really got the online dating apps to work, and could only really get very low level, low end women off them. Once in a blue moon, I'd close a 6, and that would take quite some work. But I just got a feel for how it all worked. I also saw how cold approach worked, and saw how all my many years of hard work in learning approaching, didn't get me even a fraction of what I was looking for. Infact, it was not even close.

That tend to be the way it goes for the lower SMV guys, unfortunately. There are exceptions, and I hope to be one, one day.

But when you see the deeper underlying dynamic, you stop comparing. The fact is, in this game, looks are 90%. That's just the way it is. You get a halo effect and you can be a waste of space in every sense, and slay.

And yes, my brother, is attractive, puts in no effort, and gets 1000000 x the quality I get. Like, it's not even in the same galaxy. Again. He doesn't even try, is actually a bit socially inept and weird (my friends who met him, don't like him, he is annoying and very immature...) And yet, for all intents and purposes, as far as quality goes, he has me beat by a country mile.

I don't know if I will ever even get close.

Realistically, I don't know, and can't say.

HOWEVER

Despite this, I've banged a tonne more chicks than he has, went on more dates than most men ever will (200+), approached 10,000 odd women, and generally, seen a lot and been through a tonne.

He gets matches out the ass. But can't get them on dates.

I get maybe 1 or 2 low quality matches a month. But I can not only get them on dates, I can bang them too,

Because I am a more socially savvy, charismatic, hard working, driven, and masculine man than he is or ever will be. Because I am a true Low SMV king and have to be that much harder and tougher than my competition to survive. This becomes a badge of honour and you just lean into it, and use the fury to drive yourself further in life.

You can use other aspects of your being to create outcomes. I am able to effectively move and use my own energy and masculinity to create outcomes in my own market, which is the lower end of women regarding looks and quality. But I can still make it happen.

My brother also doesn't have his life together, doesn't feel a sense of urgency, and also despite absolute hotties drooling over him daily and throwing themselves at him, he doesn't tend to do anything with it, because of his big ego.

Women will literally stop and stare at him in the street.

But it has not served him in the overall game of life. Good looking men, are complacent. Life is too kind and too easy for them, and they lack warrior spirit.

You have to exploit these cracks in their game, and their tendency towards softness, to find gaps in the market that allow you to succeed. You strike when they're not looking. You just be more consistent than them and get the matches they didn't care to look at. You have to out grind them.

However, if they're good looking, and work hard, you're toast. No one can compete with Chad. Period. Not in this arena, it's his house. unfortunately.

Me in contrast, well, I've been damn near invisible for 32 years. Even women I dated and banged. told me they didn't necessarily find me attractive, but did like my vibe, energy, and spirit. Women have told me things about my appearance which were quite hurtful to be honest, even chicks I am dating - the chick I'm seeing actually told me I looked a bit like a rottweiler dog. LMAO.

Dating as an ugly dude (not saying this is you), will just teach you so much about the game, about female nature, about the dynamics of dating, and after so long in the arena, you just start to see it for what it is.

When I got so deep in this world, and saw time after time, how men who had no substance, were a complete joke across every metric, but just looked quite attractive, cleaned up with women, I just understood how sordid and gross an arena dating is. Style over substance, and a very grim, superficial affair.....

Thats just the way this goes.

You can be mad about it, you can wish it was another way, but honestly, this is just the way it works.

So you have to learn to ignore all that, and JUST FIND WAYS TO WIN

When I personally completely processed and internalised that, I let go, and simply gave no fucks any more about the disparities in outcomes between different men.

When I saw how many guys who got laid fairly easy, were weak, weird, socially inept, and quite substanceless as men, I just saw it for what it is: why would I compare myself to these people.....?

They're not better, in any way. They're just regular people. Who happened to have a facial structure and look that appeals to women.

THAT. IS. ALL.

So why even care about such a superficial and nonsensical thing?

It means nothing. It's randomness. Genetic chance.

If you had the same SMV, and provided you'd addressed the social skill and vibe issues, you'd get the same result, if your effort and consistency was there.

That is how it works.

I stopped blaming myself, I stopped feeling bad, and I realised it was not my fault.

It was the endless, endless, endless approaches I did, where despite overhauling every facet of my game, I just saw how there was not a damn thing I could do to spark attraction and take the interaction anywhere. They didn't like my face, didn't like the way I looked, and despite feeling some positive emotions and enjoying speaking to me, in their core, they could not exchange their numbers or be open to anything beyond flirtatious conversation.

I realised it was the SMV cap I have come up against for years. And I stopped fighting against it. How can I blame myself for a lack of looks, after all I have fought for, tried, and put myself through. I wasn't born with the right looks, so I decided I will just play my hand as powerfully as I can.

The only Low SMV man I saw make it, was The Bastard. Otherwise, it's just a long road of SMV Maxxxing and working on social skills and vibe.

Going through this, for me, and truly doing the work, made me stop comparing.

A statement I like to say to put some people in their place, is if they were to switch bodies with me, they'd be an incel tomorrow. I generally stand by that and think there are no users on this forum who would have the sheer brass balls and force of will to create outcomes if they were dropped into my body for a year. They'd be done and dusted in a month and that would be the last you'd hear of them.

That actually helped me understand that I have a lot of worth and value, and the fact that I've banged 23 women as an ugly dude who was a virgin until he was 30, is pretty spectacular if you ask me. I am 32 years old, put it all on the line to make sure I have a better life in my 30s than I did in my 20s, and frankly, I did attain that,.

All you can do, my friend, is focus on YOU.

-Maximise your SMV
-Maximise your profiles
-Maximise your social skills, vibe, and killer instinct
-Play the numbers game as a lifestyle choice
-Be patient, and make hammering the process with consistency just part of your life

Do NOT feel bad about your dating outcomes, and do not compare to others

This is a very superficial game, and it isn't something I glorify. I am a Self Improvement guy, and believe in LIFE SUCCESS & HAPPINESS. Dating is just PART of that. And yes, I encourage everyone to handle it and be consistent with it, like I am and all my guys are.

That, CAN be done. If you do the work.

BTW, SMV can be changed. After my body re-composition process, my tattoos, and my facial surgeries, I'll move from 4/5 range to 6.

And you'll see better outcomes in my log for it.

Keep plugging away. It'll come together,

-MAC
 
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