Hawkins
Member
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2022
Hey Everyone,
I’m Hawkins. Andy recently featured a question of mine on his YouTube channel (Vid is “Sexual Shame and Religious Guilt” in case anyone is curious.) In the spirit of the season and in response to being justifiably called out for some of my limiting beliefs I’ve decided it’s high time I make some changes and take some steps. I’m jumping in with both feet here, and this community seems like a good place to find support and like-minded people. I’ve also seen a number of other logs on here where people have shared their stories and their work and achieved some amazing success. I want that. I want that success. And like the man says, if you guys can do it, I sure as hell can too. So here we fucking go.
Background
Let’s talk about where I’ve been. I was raised in a hyper-conservative religious household, as well as living in a family that moved to a new place every 12-18 months like clockwork. I’m also a very lanky, skinny, introverted person who tended towards nerdy hobbies that didn’t involve a lot of social interaction. I spent all my high-school years being home schooled apart from 6am religion courses taught by my local church. The combined effect of this cocktail of circumstances was that I had very little social experience and even less romantic experience. I’m a smart guy so I finished my high school at 16 and left home to attend a religious university run by my church shortly thereafter. For reasons primarily related to my porn addiction (more on that later) I did not date much while I was at that school. Maybe 2 or 3 very forgettable first dates but never a second date.
I was nearing the end of my undergraduate education, about 6 months out from a diploma, and something just broke. I had realized early in my college years that the religion I had been a very devout and believing member of my whole life didn’t quite click just right on a number of levels. As the years went by the gap became wider and wider, until I finally realized that I wanted out. I needed to get out. Anyone who has ever been a part of a really serious orthodox religion will tell you though, it’s your whole life. It’s your everything. You wake, sleep, eat and breathe your religion. My family on both sides had been devout believing members for more generations than I care to count. I had no friends outside the religion. I had no family outside the religion. And to leave is something I had been taught my whole life was a sin worse than anything else I could ever even conceive of doing. Leaving meant, in short, the complete and total collapse of my whole world.
I have struggled with depression most of my life, and in the wake of all of this it became unbearable. I broke down completely and asked my parents if I could please leave the school and come back home. To my everlasting gratitude they said yes. Two days later I had abandoned the school, and my nearly finished degree, and was back living in my parent’s basement at the age of 22. I was at rock bottom. I was depressed and, while I gratefully never attempted suicide, I certainly contemplated it. I had panic attacks the left me basically unable to move for hours at a time. I developed a moderate case of OCD that caused me to wash my hands frequently and brutally, until they were constantly red, raw, cracked, painful, almost bloody. I was an unemployed, suicidal, OCD ridden, train wreck.
To top it off, I had a killer of a porn addiction. I had developed it early in my pre-teen years and it had never gone away. As you can imagine in the environment I was in, it came with a mountain of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. It was both a source and a coping mechanism for all the negative emotions I was feeling. It was also one of the primary blocks I had towards engaging in any romantic relationships of any sort. Feeling like a dirty despicable person has a tendency to convince you that you can’t, even shouldn’t, have (or even attempt) a romantic connection with another person.
But I was lucky. I had my family and their support in my corner and the chance to get back on me feet. They helped me find a therapist and eventually some work. My dad turned me on to the ideas of people like Jordan B. Peterson (who I remain a tremendous fan of and highly recommend). I was down, but not out. My family moved to a new state and I took the chance to go with them and find a new beginning. Things didn’t get better overnight. Not by a long shot. But they did get better. I was able to leave my religion fully behind and begin rebuilding my world. I started waiting tables, an unusually social thing for me to do, and also a steady full-time job. I was lucky and fell into a group of friends I keep to this day while working at the restaurant. I saved enough money to go back to school. I changed my major and graduated Summa Cum Laude from a new university. I applied for and got into a Law School in another state, which I still attend (half-way there baby!). I moved out of my parent’s basement and have my own apartment. I’d always been a lanky skinny kid who dressed like a perpetual 14 year-old. I bought new clothes that fit me and didn’t have sarcastic slogans or video game characters on them. I started working out and put on weight. I started implementing advice from online dating guides, our own KYIL Andy not the least and I went on 5 dates over last summer (A small number yes, but more than the rest of my previous life combined). I had sex for the first time in my life with a childhood friend I reconnected with briefly a year ago.
Pound for pound, things are WAY better today than they were. So much better it’s hard to believe. Writing this out has helped me realize just how much better. It’s a good reminder to be grateful. But things aren’t perfect. I want to keep moving forward and I still have so far to go. I have goals I want to work on and need to improve, and that’s why I’m here.
My Goals
Sex and Relationships
I’ve gone most of my life having an amount of dates I could count on one hand. Besides my mom I grew up in a world of boys and women have always been strange to me. Fear, anxiety and shame around sexuality and a massive fear of rejection kept me from even attempting to speak to women with any amount of romantic intent. But I’ve put in work and things have gotten better. I spent last summer in a large city on an internship and decided to really make an attempt at improvement. I borrowed a camera and took a bunch of photos, following Andy’s Tinder guide. There’s a TON of room for improvement but they’re lightyears better than where I was. I went on 6 dates in 3 months, one from cold approach and 5 from Tinder (including my very first second date). One of those dates even went very well and wound up with us making out for hours at a rooftop bar, which was fucking awesome by the way.
But I’m back at school now and things have stalled HARD. One very forgettable date with a classmate and one Tinder girl who stood me up make up the last 4 months. It’s been very frustrating to go from building a little momentum in the city, to returning to my very small college town and hitting a wall. I need to quit making shitty excuses and move forward. With the exception of the shame and religious guilt I’ve talked about, I think Loneliness has been the defining emotion of my life and I’m FUCKING SICK OF IT. Having one sexual experience in my whole life, and rare and sporadic dates with girls who frankly aren’t that exciting for the most part is NOT acceptable.
Long term, I am very, very much the guy who wants marriage, kids, family, all of that. Absolutely, no question. But before that, I need to build a relationship with a girl who I think is fucking amazing, and who is just as excited to be with me. The advice given here and elsewhere seems to be that the necessary prerequisite for that is to have a large amount of high quality options to choose from. If I just date and marry the first girl who comes along and is kinda nice to me and willing to stick around, that’s settling and it’s a good way to wind up in a relationship that is either unsatisfying or actively bad.
I also want sex. It’s taken a long ass time for me to even get to the point where saying that is something I’m willing to do. But it’s the truth. I don’t think I want an endless stream of casual sex, it sounds unfulfilling in the end to me. As I said, the goal is a relationship and eventually a family. But I want the relationship with that person to be a sexual one, and that means I need to screen for that, gain my own sexual experience, and make that a part of any relationship I have right from the beginning, even when it is still in it’s casual stage.
So right now my immediate goal is to build a dating and sex life with multiple women who are really exciting and wonderful people and become a really exciting and wonderful guy to date. I need to seriously upgrade my Tinder/Bumble profile. I have one or two decent pics I think, but that’s no good. I need six fucking amazing pictures. I also want to do more irl approaching. It’s more terrifying, but that’s the point. I don’t like that it scares me and I want to master it. Plus it allows me more control of the quality of girls I meet. The one girl I did date from cold approach was easily the cutest girl I've ever dated and while I kinda bungled the date itself it sure felt damn nice to get that far.
This is Goal #1. My primary focus. I’m going to have the best damn relationship ever, with an absolutely amazing woman and a great sex life and I’m going to do what it takes to get there. No excuses.
Porn Addiction
As noted above, I have a porn addiction. While the worst of the shame and guilt stemming from my upbringing has been dealt with, the remnants still linger. Depression and anxiety similarly hang around. The porn is, I think, at least partly a coping mechanism for all of those feelings. It also feels like a part of my life that I’m not in control of as much as it controls me, and that’s not healthy. I want to grow and develop to a point where I never compulsively engage in porn use, and I replace it with healthy constructive emotional regulation mechanisms and sexuality that actually involves a real person instead of a damn computer.
I’m going to try a few things here. One, when the desire to look at porn emerges, I’m going to try really hard to say to myself “Ok hold on just a second. Let’s try to identify exactly what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and if there are other ways we can deal with it.” I’m also going to try being gentler with myself and viewing all of this as an opportunity for growth and positive development, rather than some horrible disgusting thing I have to purge from my life.
Great Body
I started working out two years ago, and progress has been there. I got up to, at maximum, 190 lbs over this last summer (I’m 6’1”) which was far heavier than I’ve ever been. I decided I wanted to cut some body fat so I lost 20 lbs over about 4 months and got to 18% body fat. I want to eventually be under 15% and possibly 12% in the hopes of getting the holy grail, a six pack. But more immediately, I’ve decided to begin a very clean bulk. I want to put on muscle and size so that when I cut, there’s something there.
I’ve set myself strength goals of benching 225, squatting 315, and deadlifting 405. As of today, I bench 165, squat 205, and deadlift 300. My strength stopped growing during my cut and that was demoralizing so I plan to continue a bulk of 3000 calories a day, getting at least 190g protein a day until I achieve those strength goals. After that point, I’ll start a cut to get the bodyfat percentage down.
I’ve never been happy with the way my body looks. Almost no one is and I’m no exception. But it’s in my power to change it. I want to get to a point where I can walk around at a beach and feel proud and happy with how I look. And I’m not gonna lie, catching a few thirsty glances from the ladies is a fantasy everyone has that I’d sure like to live out.
Career/School
I am currently in my second year of law school in the United States. I want to be a criminal lawyer, likely doing defense work. I’m well on my way at the moment, getting good grades and all that. My goal here is to wind up with a job making over 6 figures. I think this is a comfortably achievable goal with a law degree. While I could push for more, I’m not sure why I’d do that. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, and even making 6 figures sounds like a truly obscene amount of money to me. Besides that, I don’t believe more money would make me any happier. Lawyers have a reputation for being workaholics and I don’t want to do that. I don’t mind working hard but I need balance in my life and working 60+ hours a week would start to sacrifice other goals and things I want and need in my life. Taking time away from my ability to go to the gym, spend pursuing and working on my relationship goals, etc.
Nevertheless, this is a thing that is very front and center of my life right now. I need to keep my grades up, find internships, apply for jobs, succeed in my classes, and find where in the country I want to work. There’s an appeal to the big cities like New York, LA, Dallas, Chicago, etc. But cost of living is very high there. I’m unsure if I should pursue those places or a more mid-level market. My plan is to keep studying and apply for many many jobs and internships to cast a wide net and keep my options open.
Friends
I want to build a friend group around me. Like minded guys and girls who are on self-improvement journeys and want to work together, support each other, and just hang out together honestly. While I maintain a friend group from my table-waiting days, They live several states away from me and I don’t see them often. I’d like to have people who are actually around to see in person. Online doesn’t really cut it. I’m an introverted person, but not so introverted that I wouldn’t like to have a couple of buddies to hang out and watch a football game with, or go hit up a restaurant with occasionally. I’ve tried making friends with classmates here at law school but that has gone generally poorly. People flake out on me when I try to plan things, ignore texts, and generally blow me off repeatedly. I need to keep from getting down, focus on what I can control and keep searching until I find people I click with.
Conclusion
This post has already gone on longer than it should so I’m gonna wrap up. I’m here trying to build my self-improvement skills with a primary focus on developing an amazing sex and dating life and quitting a porn addiction. I’m hoping to become a part of this community, get support and advice for working on my own goals, as well as support you guys and help where I can. I’ve been able to grow out of some dark places because I had people who cared enough to support me and if I can help anyone else do the same, then that feels like a good way to pay it forward. We’re all gonna make it guys. Show a little faith.
I’m Hawkins. Andy recently featured a question of mine on his YouTube channel (Vid is “Sexual Shame and Religious Guilt” in case anyone is curious.) In the spirit of the season and in response to being justifiably called out for some of my limiting beliefs I’ve decided it’s high time I make some changes and take some steps. I’m jumping in with both feet here, and this community seems like a good place to find support and like-minded people. I’ve also seen a number of other logs on here where people have shared their stories and their work and achieved some amazing success. I want that. I want that success. And like the man says, if you guys can do it, I sure as hell can too. So here we fucking go.
Background
Let’s talk about where I’ve been. I was raised in a hyper-conservative religious household, as well as living in a family that moved to a new place every 12-18 months like clockwork. I’m also a very lanky, skinny, introverted person who tended towards nerdy hobbies that didn’t involve a lot of social interaction. I spent all my high-school years being home schooled apart from 6am religion courses taught by my local church. The combined effect of this cocktail of circumstances was that I had very little social experience and even less romantic experience. I’m a smart guy so I finished my high school at 16 and left home to attend a religious university run by my church shortly thereafter. For reasons primarily related to my porn addiction (more on that later) I did not date much while I was at that school. Maybe 2 or 3 very forgettable first dates but never a second date.
I was nearing the end of my undergraduate education, about 6 months out from a diploma, and something just broke. I had realized early in my college years that the religion I had been a very devout and believing member of my whole life didn’t quite click just right on a number of levels. As the years went by the gap became wider and wider, until I finally realized that I wanted out. I needed to get out. Anyone who has ever been a part of a really serious orthodox religion will tell you though, it’s your whole life. It’s your everything. You wake, sleep, eat and breathe your religion. My family on both sides had been devout believing members for more generations than I care to count. I had no friends outside the religion. I had no family outside the religion. And to leave is something I had been taught my whole life was a sin worse than anything else I could ever even conceive of doing. Leaving meant, in short, the complete and total collapse of my whole world.
I have struggled with depression most of my life, and in the wake of all of this it became unbearable. I broke down completely and asked my parents if I could please leave the school and come back home. To my everlasting gratitude they said yes. Two days later I had abandoned the school, and my nearly finished degree, and was back living in my parent’s basement at the age of 22. I was at rock bottom. I was depressed and, while I gratefully never attempted suicide, I certainly contemplated it. I had panic attacks the left me basically unable to move for hours at a time. I developed a moderate case of OCD that caused me to wash my hands frequently and brutally, until they were constantly red, raw, cracked, painful, almost bloody. I was an unemployed, suicidal, OCD ridden, train wreck.
To top it off, I had a killer of a porn addiction. I had developed it early in my pre-teen years and it had never gone away. As you can imagine in the environment I was in, it came with a mountain of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. It was both a source and a coping mechanism for all the negative emotions I was feeling. It was also one of the primary blocks I had towards engaging in any romantic relationships of any sort. Feeling like a dirty despicable person has a tendency to convince you that you can’t, even shouldn’t, have (or even attempt) a romantic connection with another person.
But I was lucky. I had my family and their support in my corner and the chance to get back on me feet. They helped me find a therapist and eventually some work. My dad turned me on to the ideas of people like Jordan B. Peterson (who I remain a tremendous fan of and highly recommend). I was down, but not out. My family moved to a new state and I took the chance to go with them and find a new beginning. Things didn’t get better overnight. Not by a long shot. But they did get better. I was able to leave my religion fully behind and begin rebuilding my world. I started waiting tables, an unusually social thing for me to do, and also a steady full-time job. I was lucky and fell into a group of friends I keep to this day while working at the restaurant. I saved enough money to go back to school. I changed my major and graduated Summa Cum Laude from a new university. I applied for and got into a Law School in another state, which I still attend (half-way there baby!). I moved out of my parent’s basement and have my own apartment. I’d always been a lanky skinny kid who dressed like a perpetual 14 year-old. I bought new clothes that fit me and didn’t have sarcastic slogans or video game characters on them. I started working out and put on weight. I started implementing advice from online dating guides, our own KYIL Andy not the least and I went on 5 dates over last summer (A small number yes, but more than the rest of my previous life combined). I had sex for the first time in my life with a childhood friend I reconnected with briefly a year ago.
Pound for pound, things are WAY better today than they were. So much better it’s hard to believe. Writing this out has helped me realize just how much better. It’s a good reminder to be grateful. But things aren’t perfect. I want to keep moving forward and I still have so far to go. I have goals I want to work on and need to improve, and that’s why I’m here.
My Goals
Sex and Relationships
I’ve gone most of my life having an amount of dates I could count on one hand. Besides my mom I grew up in a world of boys and women have always been strange to me. Fear, anxiety and shame around sexuality and a massive fear of rejection kept me from even attempting to speak to women with any amount of romantic intent. But I’ve put in work and things have gotten better. I spent last summer in a large city on an internship and decided to really make an attempt at improvement. I borrowed a camera and took a bunch of photos, following Andy’s Tinder guide. There’s a TON of room for improvement but they’re lightyears better than where I was. I went on 6 dates in 3 months, one from cold approach and 5 from Tinder (including my very first second date). One of those dates even went very well and wound up with us making out for hours at a rooftop bar, which was fucking awesome by the way.
But I’m back at school now and things have stalled HARD. One very forgettable date with a classmate and one Tinder girl who stood me up make up the last 4 months. It’s been very frustrating to go from building a little momentum in the city, to returning to my very small college town and hitting a wall. I need to quit making shitty excuses and move forward. With the exception of the shame and religious guilt I’ve talked about, I think Loneliness has been the defining emotion of my life and I’m FUCKING SICK OF IT. Having one sexual experience in my whole life, and rare and sporadic dates with girls who frankly aren’t that exciting for the most part is NOT acceptable.
Long term, I am very, very much the guy who wants marriage, kids, family, all of that. Absolutely, no question. But before that, I need to build a relationship with a girl who I think is fucking amazing, and who is just as excited to be with me. The advice given here and elsewhere seems to be that the necessary prerequisite for that is to have a large amount of high quality options to choose from. If I just date and marry the first girl who comes along and is kinda nice to me and willing to stick around, that’s settling and it’s a good way to wind up in a relationship that is either unsatisfying or actively bad.
I also want sex. It’s taken a long ass time for me to even get to the point where saying that is something I’m willing to do. But it’s the truth. I don’t think I want an endless stream of casual sex, it sounds unfulfilling in the end to me. As I said, the goal is a relationship and eventually a family. But I want the relationship with that person to be a sexual one, and that means I need to screen for that, gain my own sexual experience, and make that a part of any relationship I have right from the beginning, even when it is still in it’s casual stage.
So right now my immediate goal is to build a dating and sex life with multiple women who are really exciting and wonderful people and become a really exciting and wonderful guy to date. I need to seriously upgrade my Tinder/Bumble profile. I have one or two decent pics I think, but that’s no good. I need six fucking amazing pictures. I also want to do more irl approaching. It’s more terrifying, but that’s the point. I don’t like that it scares me and I want to master it. Plus it allows me more control of the quality of girls I meet. The one girl I did date from cold approach was easily the cutest girl I've ever dated and while I kinda bungled the date itself it sure felt damn nice to get that far.
This is Goal #1. My primary focus. I’m going to have the best damn relationship ever, with an absolutely amazing woman and a great sex life and I’m going to do what it takes to get there. No excuses.
Porn Addiction
As noted above, I have a porn addiction. While the worst of the shame and guilt stemming from my upbringing has been dealt with, the remnants still linger. Depression and anxiety similarly hang around. The porn is, I think, at least partly a coping mechanism for all of those feelings. It also feels like a part of my life that I’m not in control of as much as it controls me, and that’s not healthy. I want to grow and develop to a point where I never compulsively engage in porn use, and I replace it with healthy constructive emotional regulation mechanisms and sexuality that actually involves a real person instead of a damn computer.
I’m going to try a few things here. One, when the desire to look at porn emerges, I’m going to try really hard to say to myself “Ok hold on just a second. Let’s try to identify exactly what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and if there are other ways we can deal with it.” I’m also going to try being gentler with myself and viewing all of this as an opportunity for growth and positive development, rather than some horrible disgusting thing I have to purge from my life.
Great Body
I started working out two years ago, and progress has been there. I got up to, at maximum, 190 lbs over this last summer (I’m 6’1”) which was far heavier than I’ve ever been. I decided I wanted to cut some body fat so I lost 20 lbs over about 4 months and got to 18% body fat. I want to eventually be under 15% and possibly 12% in the hopes of getting the holy grail, a six pack. But more immediately, I’ve decided to begin a very clean bulk. I want to put on muscle and size so that when I cut, there’s something there.
I’ve set myself strength goals of benching 225, squatting 315, and deadlifting 405. As of today, I bench 165, squat 205, and deadlift 300. My strength stopped growing during my cut and that was demoralizing so I plan to continue a bulk of 3000 calories a day, getting at least 190g protein a day until I achieve those strength goals. After that point, I’ll start a cut to get the bodyfat percentage down.
I’ve never been happy with the way my body looks. Almost no one is and I’m no exception. But it’s in my power to change it. I want to get to a point where I can walk around at a beach and feel proud and happy with how I look. And I’m not gonna lie, catching a few thirsty glances from the ladies is a fantasy everyone has that I’d sure like to live out.
Career/School
I am currently in my second year of law school in the United States. I want to be a criminal lawyer, likely doing defense work. I’m well on my way at the moment, getting good grades and all that. My goal here is to wind up with a job making over 6 figures. I think this is a comfortably achievable goal with a law degree. While I could push for more, I’m not sure why I’d do that. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, and even making 6 figures sounds like a truly obscene amount of money to me. Besides that, I don’t believe more money would make me any happier. Lawyers have a reputation for being workaholics and I don’t want to do that. I don’t mind working hard but I need balance in my life and working 60+ hours a week would start to sacrifice other goals and things I want and need in my life. Taking time away from my ability to go to the gym, spend pursuing and working on my relationship goals, etc.
Nevertheless, this is a thing that is very front and center of my life right now. I need to keep my grades up, find internships, apply for jobs, succeed in my classes, and find where in the country I want to work. There’s an appeal to the big cities like New York, LA, Dallas, Chicago, etc. But cost of living is very high there. I’m unsure if I should pursue those places or a more mid-level market. My plan is to keep studying and apply for many many jobs and internships to cast a wide net and keep my options open.
Friends
I want to build a friend group around me. Like minded guys and girls who are on self-improvement journeys and want to work together, support each other, and just hang out together honestly. While I maintain a friend group from my table-waiting days, They live several states away from me and I don’t see them often. I’d like to have people who are actually around to see in person. Online doesn’t really cut it. I’m an introverted person, but not so introverted that I wouldn’t like to have a couple of buddies to hang out and watch a football game with, or go hit up a restaurant with occasionally. I’ve tried making friends with classmates here at law school but that has gone generally poorly. People flake out on me when I try to plan things, ignore texts, and generally blow me off repeatedly. I need to keep from getting down, focus on what I can control and keep searching until I find people I click with.
Conclusion
This post has already gone on longer than it should so I’m gonna wrap up. I’m here trying to build my self-improvement skills with a primary focus on developing an amazing sex and dating life and quitting a porn addiction. I’m hoping to become a part of this community, get support and advice for working on my own goals, as well as support you guys and help where I can. I’ve been able to grow out of some dark places because I had people who cared enough to support me and if I can help anyone else do the same, then that feels like a good way to pay it forward. We’re all gonna make it guys. Show a little faith.
