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Hawkins Self-Improvement Adventure: 4 Dates in 6 Days

Day 6:

Yes. i missed yesterday. I shouldn't have but i did. But that's no reason to let myself miss today. I'm allowed to suck. And I'm also allowed to keep trying.

Today I went for a run. 30 minutes
Today I did a back workout. I lifted more this week than last week
Today I met my calorie goals
Today I did not look at porn.

I've also scheduled a second job interview, this time with a government agency. I'm looking forward to that.

I'm trying to digest what Manly Cockfellow said about bullying coming from girls. I won't lie, it's deeply disheartening. I don't want to bully them, and I don't want them to bully me. I want to be on the same team. I am trying to frame the advice in my mind in a way that feels positive, honest, uplifting, and true. Perhaps it's more a conflict of framing and of tone than a true conflict with the advice that's causing me difficulty. I find it generally unpleasant to think in terms of being a "warlord" or making girls "crumble" and it doesn't sound fun, satisfying, or sexy to me to engage in some sort of mental and emotional battle with a woman or to conquer her.

I want it to be...maybe a dance is the right word. I don't want to fight girls. I want to dance. And that involves me learning to lead with confidence, poise, and skill. I can accept that. But I'd rather my interactions with women felt like a dance than posturing and combat. Like I said. This may be more of a gripe with the tone of the message than the actual content. I want to stay humble and learn from people who know better than me. God knows I have a lot to learn. But viewing things that way isn't going down easy. I'll keep thinking about it.
 
Hawkins said:
I want it to be...maybe a dance is the right word. I don't want to fight girls. I want to dance. And that involves me learning to lead with confidence, poise, and skill. I can accept that. But I'd rather my interactions with women felt like a dance than posturing and combat. Like I said. This may be more of a gripe with the tone of the message than the actual content. I want to stay humble and learn from people who know better than me. God knows I have a lot to learn. But viewing things that way isn't
Click to expand...

I think you have a beautiful way of describing this. Very proud of you that you can be this loving and positive despite the harsh reality you’ve been facing.

It’s about balance. Manly Cockfellow s post is incredible and I’d say the biggest takeaway is “I am good enough” —> hot guy behavior.
I don’t necessarily agree with the view that you can get everyone if you stay persistent. Surely it’s true that we would fuck a 4 if she’s buttnaked next to us in bed. Would we want someone we aren’t really attracted to for any type of other relationship (fuckbuddy,fwb,ltr) despite her adjusting her behavior, probably not right?

Confidence is a huge attractiveness leverage, not shying out for a little resilience is also very attractive.
In general, hot guys have always been treated well and got what they wanted, that’s why this behavior is expected from them.
Average to ugly don’t experience this positivity so they are expected to act very shy and humble.
If you can act like a hot guy, surely you must’ve been treated well right?

That being said, work on confidence alongside other part of self improvement that you’ll find plenty of on this site.

Quote from 1stman: If you’re a 7 across the board with two to three 9 or 10/10 traits, you’re basically unstoppable.
Confidence would be a great candidate to train to become your 10/10 trait
 
Hawkins said:
I'm trying to digest what @Manly Cockfellow said about bullying coming from girls. I won't lie, it's deeply disheartening. I don't want to bully them, and I don't want them to bully me. I want to be on the same team. I am trying to frame the advice in my mind in a way that feels positive, honest, uplifting, and true. Perhaps it's more a conflict of framing and of tone than a true conflict with the advice that's causing me difficulty. I find it generally unpleasant to think in terms of being a "warlord" or making girls "crumble" and it doesn't sound fun, satisfying, or sexy to me to engage in some sort of mental and emotional battle with a woman or to conquer her.

I want it to be...maybe a dance is the right word. I don't want to fight girls. I want to dance. And that involves me learning to lead with confidence, poise, and skill. I can accept that.
Click to expand...

I actually love this framing and think it's an even better lens than anything I wrote.

Now think about how you need to act when you ask a girl to dance.

All the same rules apply, don't they?

You need to lead by asking, and by guiding her through the steps with confidence, poise and skill like you said.

Dating/romance/sex being a dance you are leading is a beautiful way to put it.


I'll leave you with a story:
When Tim Ferris first got interested in learning to dance, he found this beautiful Latina woman who was an incredible dancer and instructor, so he took one of her introduction to dance classes

When it was his turn to dance with her he could see she was a little bit excited because he's a good looking guy and was really muscular at the time, but when he put his arms around her to start the dance he held her very timidly and she laughed and told the class "this guy has all these muscles, but he holds me like a Frenchman!"

Well he never made that mistake again, and next time they danced together he picked her up and squeezed her nice and tight, which made her light up with excitement and pleasure

They went on to win a world championship title together as dance partners

This is all I meant to point out with my focus on bullying: she teased him about holding her too softly, but rather than run away he kept at it and squeezed her tightly like she wanted next time they danced
 
Day 7:

First off, My thanks as always to those of you who have reached out with thoughts and feedback. It is deeply appreciated. I am feeling more comfortable with the advice given. I think the advice to focus on confidence, not get immediately thrown for a loop by the first irregularity in an interaction, and remain grounded is something I can really work on. I particularly liked the advice to "Train Confidence" from kratjeuh. I like that way of putting it. I can develop routines to train eating, to train muscles, and even to train the skills im developing at school. I need a routine to train confidence. Any advice for activities to consider would be much appreciated.

Beyond that, I'm in a very hard very busy time for me, and I don't mind telling you guys that the next week scares the shit out of me. I have a massive deadline for a very large research paper approaching and I have a TON on my plate right now. In the past, when I have approached similar deadlines, I have not handled it well. I've struggled to be productive, my diet becomes shit, my exercise routines get neglected, I don't sleep well, and my mental health goes in the crapper. I'm reaching out for any strategies, mental exercise, ways to view the upcoming week, and other advice the community has. I want to rise to the challenge and succeed, but I'm scared it's going to crush me.

Today I met my calorie goals.
Today I prepped for a huge 3 hour presentation I have tomorrow for school.

Wish me luck boys.
 
Keep it up Dr. Hawkins

(I don't know if you're actually a Dr in anything, just seems like it fits your name... I bet you'd look good in glasses besides)

That thing about girls testing you, I along with the others will attest, is true--girls want to see if you're positive/nonreactive (a confident guy) or react in a big negative way (a guy who looks good but doesn't have any substance to back it up). It's a test of quality--like using a hammer to tell Gold from Pyrite--and it's written into female nature, because they instinctively want someone who can handle the troubles of life without panicking.
 
Hawkins said:
I'm reaching out for any strategies, mental exercise, ways to view the upcoming week, and other advice the community has. I want to rise to the challenge and succeed, but I'm scared it's going to crush me.
Click to expand...

Ten minutes of meditation right after I wake up, right before I go to bed, and anytime I feel overwhelmed does wonders for me.

If you want to know more colgate made a great meditation post a few weeks ago which I highly recommend:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=49120#p49120
 
Day 8:

Today I gave my 3 hour presentation for law school.
Today I spent time hanging out with a friend to watch the Super Bowl. It seems like the friendship is really solidifying with this guy and It's really nice to have a buddy to hang out with. He's cool and we have good conversations and share plenty of interests. I've always been bad at making and keeping friends, so it's nice that this seems to be working out.

I'll try meditating for sure. 10 minutes is easy to find and might really help me. Anything to keep a solid mental state would be well worth the time this week.
 
Day 9:

I got out for a run today. Otherwise, not a great day. I'm allowed to suck. I'll try again tomorrow.
 
Manly Cockfellow said:
Hey @Hawkins

How are you?

Hope you're well
Click to expand...

Hey Man. I know i've been MIA. Life's been very up and down. I've been very discouraged with self-improvement goals lately and I find it makes me too ashamed to even bother checking these forums. Being surrounded by people who are working hard and achieving throws a long shadow over my own laziness and stagnation i guess. Returning to find that you'd checked in on my log was very unexpected and kind of you. Much appreciated. I still want to move forward though. I'll try to find a way. I don't even know where to start sometimes though. I'll figure something out. Thanks again.
 
Hawkins said:
I don't even know where to start sometimes though
Click to expand...

I feel like this all the time

Not sure it's a feeling that will ever completely go away


My strategy for not knowing where to start is to try to pick really small goals that move me towards my bigger goals, and then give myself credit for any progress at all, no matter the size/rate


For example, with the cold approach challenge that I am still trying to complete, I could very easily beat myself up for not having done any approaches yet, especially while other guys did 7 or even 10 in a single day, but focusing on what I couldn't do will only make it harder to reach my goal.

Instead I try to bring my attention to all the things I've done right:
- I've complimented several cute women on their outfits or their hair
- I've put myself in environments where I run into attractive women
- I had a brief, playful interaction with a cute woman sitting next to me at a coffee shop
- I had a couple very fun and flirty interactions with women that approached me this weekend at a beach bar while I was wearing a suit after attending a funeral

Because these weren't actual approaches I could very easily label them as failures, but that wouldn't be helpful, so instead I call them little wins/baby steps of progress/exposure therapy, because each of these little actions are very obviously moving me towards what I want


Hang in there man, because you can do it!

Just remember to be patient and forgiving towards yourself, and to give yourself credit for even small steps towards your goals
 
What's up guys.

Getting back down to things. I think I've been stretching myself a little thin over the last little while, but I'm coming back in to this log because I want to try to focus myself.

First off, I want to give a grateful shoutout to Manly Cockfellow Bman and MILFandCookies .

I've been out of touch with the forums here for a bit but you guys have replied to my posts and helped motivate me to get back on the horse by being welcoming and generous with your time and advice. I'm genuinely very grateful. You guys fucking rock.

Second, I want to set out a roadmap for moving forward. I am 1 month away from the end of my semester at law school. Once it ends, I have a few weeks off before I move to a new city for the summer for an internship. I want to make the fucking most of my summer being in an actual city, not this little town I'm in now. So the number one thing I want to work on now is maxing out my Tinder profile so that, when I move, I can hit the ground running and go on some dates and get laid.

So I need better pictures. I have a nice camera, and while my wardrobe is far from perfect, I can put together a handful of outfits I think look damn good. I've already taken a few pictures today. I'll post them in a separate post as soon as I'm done here. Are they bad? Probably. But I'll take more. And more and more. I want to have good, high quality photos that communicate who I am and make me look like a sexy guy who girls want to make out and sleep with. I'm not gonna over burden myself with a half a dozen goals. I'm gonna focus on this one and hit it hard.

Thanks again guys. It's good to be back.
 
Love your attitude and especially conviction in that last post Hawkins!

You got this, and happy to help with the Tinder pics if you want someone else to look them over



https://youtu.be/-iOb22XPHi8
Also, I like the advice he gives about Tinder in this video
(he even briefly gives props to Andy [KYIL] for creating the only good Tinder guide)
 
What's up guys.

Back again and continuing with the month of trying to improve my tinder photos. I've made a separate post for feedback on the ones I took today. I want to write out some of my thoughts on the process of taking them though. First off, it was FUCKING STRESSFUL. Jesus Christ man. I realized just how hard and unpleasant it can be to take pictures of myself. I am not at all comfortable in front of a camera.

I woke up with the plan to take these photos today and Was so stressed about it that I kept on putting it off and off again. I played videogames, looked at porn, wasted time on Instagram and YouTube, did everything I could to avoid actually going and taking the damn pictures. By late afternoon I'd gotten ahold of myself enough to actually do it, so I showered and put on one of my best outfits. I got all ready to go out and couldn't do it. I was so afraid of looking like an idiot, running into someone I know outside and them seeing what I was doing, everything. So I spent two hours inside taking photos just in my apartment. Funnily enough I think these photos turned out to be the best photos I've ever taken of myself. But eventually it got to be sunset, the "golden hour" and I decided to go out anyways since everyone I know is probably home by then.

I walked onto the college campus and set up my camera. I took a few dozen photos but I felt so awkward out in public where people nearby could see me that I kept the photoshoot short and sweet. I felt like such a loser and an idiot but I got a few pictures. I packed up and just took a few photos of nice buildings on campus since that isn't stressful. Then I moved to a new location and took a few more with me in them. I still felt stupid and awful, but I got the damn pictures.

On my way around campus I passed a cute girl sitting at a table outside and studying. I told myself to go talk to her as soon as I saw her but I couldn't do it. So I walked past her and took a my photos. Then as I was leaving campus I passed her again and told myself to go talk to her. But I couldn't. So I walked past her and headed home. But a hundred yards away I thought about how it would feel to come home and be furious with myself and feel pathetic that I didn't talk to her. So I went back and talked to her.

I told her I'd walked past her twice and would be kicking myself if I didn't at least ask her name. She gave me her name and we shook hands. I asked what she was studying, she told me it was French. At this point her body language looked so uncomfortable and I was so nervous all I could say was "sounds fun". She didn't reply, just looked super uncomfortable. So I said good night and left. Do i feel like a king sized loser and a complete jackass? Yes. But I did go talk to her so I guess that's something and I'll try to be happy about it.

Anyways, I'm glad I got the pictures. I think one or two were actually quite good. I'll keep at this. It's stressful and hard and I feel every insecurity and anxiety I can name, but I promised myself a month of working on my Tinder profile and I'm not gonna quit this early. I'll show a little faith.

-Hawkins
 
Life is fucking crazy.

So after a mammoth road trip I have arrived in the city where I'll be spending my summer interning with a law firm. Man it feels nice to be out of the tiny little town I am attending school in. But moving is stressful and I'm pretty tired. But nonetheless, I am determined to try to actually go on some dates while I'm here.

And, impossibly, it seems like it's fucking working. First thing I did when I got here was fire up the dating apps and bite the bullet and pay for Tinder Platinum. That was about 12 hours ago. I've already scheduled 2 dates.

I've scheduled 2 dates.

What the FUCK. That's a nonsense, impossible thing to say. I can count on my fingers the number of dates I've been on in the last DECADE. And now I scheduled 2 dates in a 12 hour period. It doesn't even make sense. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For them to both cancel, or ghost me or something. It doesn't feel like it's something that can be real.

And the prospect of ACTUALLY GOING ON THE DATES is probably even scarier. The situations are kind of wildly different. I feel like I'm a drunkard flailing around wildly and out of control.

Let me try to explain. The first girl is a little 5'3" Asian girl. Her profile makes it very clear that she is in an open, non monogamous relationship. In the past this would have been someone I never in a million years would have considered swiping right on. I was very much of the mindset of strict monogamy only. But I'm trying to take the advice to be open minded. I still think I would like a monogamous relationship personally. At least eventually. And the thought of going on a date with someone who is in a relationship makes me feel uncomfortable. What's more, the chat I had with the girl to set up the date was bizarre, at least for me. I've been trying to figure out how to be more confident, more sexual, more flirtatious in my interactions with women, and so I really tried to do that with her. She's a rock climber and I tried teasing her by ordering her not to do any free soloing. She responded with a "Yes sir" and I called her a "good girl". Is that flirtatious? I don't know. But damn it I've never said anything like that in my whole damn life! The whole interaction I tried to project this image of a smooth, confident, sexy guy. And I don't think I'm any of those things. I feel like I lied to this poor girl. I'm all but convinced that if the date actually happens, she'll immediately see that I'm not that guy and walk out.

The second girl is a 6' tall giant girl who seems actually like a freaking dom. I started the interaction, trying even harder to project the image of a confident sexy guy. She teased me about my opening message and I (playfully i hope) ordered her to just accept the compliment like a good girl. She teased back and talked like she wanted to be the one making the rules. I tried to keep the "frame" (God I hate pick up artist lingo so much) and told her I might be willing to take turns if she could be a good girl. She laughed about how direct I was being and I kind of...lost it. I felt like I was literally just lying to her. I admitted that I had no real idea what the hell i was doing. Instead of scaring her off, she said i was cute and clueless and that she had lucked out. Idk how to feel about that. Idk how to feel about any of this. But we're scheduling a coffee date for the day after I go out with the polyamorous Asian girl.

I have no fucking clue what is going on. I would like to be a confident, smooth, sexy, flirtatious guy who could take women back to his place and give them a night of amazing sex. But I'm about as close to being the Queen of Sheba as I am to being confident or sexy, and if I ever got a girl back to my place, i think she'd be in for nothing but disappointment. But hey, what the hell? Fuck it. If these girls actually want to show up on the dates, I'll go out. Idk what the fuck is going to happen, but you buy the ticket, you ride the train.

Any advice about how to calm the fuck down and be sane and intelligent on the dates would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.
 
Hawkins said:
I tried to keep the "frame" (God I hate pick up artist lingo so much)
Click to expand...

Frame really isn't a pick up concept at all, you can see it in every casual, formal, or business encounter. You can even see its power in how you setup questions, write emails, or even talk to children. How you dress is a frame too. We really have no way to begin or navigate social encounters without them. Once you open your eyes to it, you can see it everywhere

You should go on the date with the ENM girl just because the entire concept makes you uncomfortable too. There's a huge difference between being monogamous out of choice after having tried other options, vs doing it because you're supposed to and tell yourself its what you wanted. Same concept applies to things like being confident, dominant, etc. I'm not advocating being immoral (though I think some minor immorality is worth an investigation), but exploring new space that makes you uncomfortable is literally what growth is. I'm not personally advocating the ENM lifestyle either. I think it works for casual if you're capable of both total honesty and being an adult, but I don't see potential for it in serious. Still insanely glad I tried it out. Taught me an unbelievable amount.
 
Hey guys!

Been a wild week. Leaving the tiny little town where I was at to come to a bigger place sure has done wonders for my dating life. I've got some date reports and some thoughts about the last week. I've been on 4 dates in the last six days. Which is absolutely wild. That's an INSANE amount of dates for me. Like holy shit. But anyways, here's how they went.

DATE ONE

Met this girl on Tinder. Little Asian girl who's profile made it very clear that she was in an open relationship. I've never dated, or even really considered dating, anyone in that kind of a situation before and frankly I was freaked out and nervous. I'm always nervous on dates, but still. I didn't need to be though. She was nice. She said her boyfriend doesn't date outside the relationship, but only because he's too shy to do so. We met at an ice cream shop but decided to walk across the street to a coffee shop instead. We sat in a booth and I tried to take the advice of sitting next to her rather than across. I had hoped it would make for a more flirty vibe. But really the date was just boring. It was very platonic, very dull, and now six days later I can barely remember anything we talked about. We chatted for maybe just over an hour, walked around the parking area chatting for a while, then the date ended.

DATE TWO

Met this girl on Hinge. 6' tall curvy girl. The vibe with this girl was very different over text. She seemed much more dominant. I got stuck in traffic and ended up being 20 minutes late, which I apologized for. She didn't seem upset but still, that's a bad look and I felt bad about it. We sat on a couch in the cute little shop and chatted, again for a little over an hour. After the last, dull, platonic date, i tried to be a bit more flirty on this one. I tried to break the touch barrier and put an arm behind her on the couch and lean up against her a little bit. She didn't seem upset but didn't really reciprocate either. At one point in the date the conversation got flirty and the eye contact did too. I tried to go in for the kiss and she playfully turned me down. I tried again, thinking she was just playing, and got the same result. After that, we chatted in a friendly sort of way for a few more minutes but the date ended soon thereafter. I sent her a text saying thanks anyways and hope things work out well for her.

DATE THREE

Met this girl on Tinder. I'll be honest, I just was not that attracted to this girl as soon as she showed up. I don't know if that makes me a shitty person, but it's true. She wasn't as attractive as her photos made her look. Not a catfish by any means, but the photos had definitely been a little generous. I stayed on the date anyways, just to try to get practice on dating. I wanted to try asking better questions. I've been generally asking very bland questions about things like work and hobbies. This time I tried sprinkling in more questions trying to understand who this girl really is. What does she want? What are her goals? What are her values? In this particular instance, this girl was unfortunately very boring. She didn't seem to have any real goals or passions or desires or anything. She was just...dull. I wrapped the date up after an hour and sent her a text as well saying thanks for the date but i wasn't feeling the chemistry.

DATE FOUR

Met this girl on Hinge. The vibe with her over text was definitely more playful. Being silly and goofy and giving each other nicknames and things like that. I was bored to death of coffee dates so I made a few sandwiches and we met in the park for a picnic. This girl was easier to talk to than the last. She was willing to ask questions herself and put in effort to the conversation. We ate on a blanket and then walked around the park for a bit. I decided to go for it and held her hand, which she let me do. So that was really nice. I kept trying to ask deeper more pointed questions and got to know a little bit more about her. Again, it was hard to get anything out of her that was super interesting as far as plans or goals or desires or anything like that. I wish she had a bit more...drive maybe. But we did find out that we have a bit of common history with growing up in the same religion that we've now both left. So we got to chat about that and relate over that which was nice. At the end of the date I walked her to her car and asked "So do I get a kiss?" and got a few pecks on the lips, which was great! I think I'll probably ask her out again. She's cute enough, if a little overweight. And she was at least a little bit fun and playful.

OVERALL THOUGHTS

Honestly, before the last date I was feeling very disappointed. It's nice to be finally going on at least some dates. I feel like there is at least some amount of progress being made there and I'm trying to take that as a win and let myself feel some victory over it. But the dates were generally very dull, very platonic, not much fun, and felt more like work than anything else. The last one was, if not amazing, at least good! I like dates where there's both sitting and walking around. Trying to break the touch barrier with a girl while we are sitting together feels very forced and awkward. Holding someone's hand while walking feels much more natural. I also definitely want to focus more on the deep questions. Things like "What are your goals right now?" "What are you working on?" "What do you want the next five years to be like?" Things like that. Because honestly, I don't really give a fuck what her work is like, or how she met her friends.

And while It's nice to be finally going on some dates, It's also clear just how much work i still have to do. I've been matching with a pretty good number of girls on dating apps lately. So many that it's hard to keep up with them all. But honestly, most of them are just not very cute. And the few who have actually been genuinely cute or hot don't respond back to my texts. None of the girls i went out with are what I would call hot or sexy. And while I definitely do want to get laid and start building a sex life, I don't want to do it with girls who are boring and not attractive. So my profile still needs work. I want to date in-shape athletic girls. If I were to say I had a type, I'd definitely say tall athletic girls, the kind with abs and legs for days (At least physically that's my type). So I need my profile to reflect that. I need to seriously work on getting in shape and building some muscle and take pictures of me deadlifting or something.

Regardless, dating is a ton of work. This has all been a little exhausting and overwhelming. I think I'll try to see Girl #4 again. Beyond that I'll try to keep matching with other girls and optimizing my profile. I feel like I still have so far to go to build the kind of dating and sex life I want. But I'll show a little faith. I'll get there.
 
Hawkins said:
She's a rock climber and I tried teasing her by ordering her not to do any free soloing. She responded with a "Yes sir" and I called her a "good girl". Is that flirtatious? I don't know. But damn it I've never said anything like that in my whole damn life
Click to expand...

I don’t know man, you want it more clear?
It’s an obvious Dominant/submissive situation 😂👍
 
AskTheDom said:
Hawkins said:
She's a rock climber and I tried teasing her by ordering her not to do any free soloing. She responded with a "Yes sir" and I called her a "good girl". Is that flirtatious? I don't know. But damn it I've never said anything like that in my whole damn life
Click to expand...

I don’t know man, you want it more clear?
It’s an obvious Dominant/submissive situation 😂👍
Click to expand...

Yeah haha. I was more being facetious about it. Obviously you're completely correct. I just struggle with concepts of "Dominance"/"Submission". The BDSM world and lingo carries a lot of baggage that I'm not sure suits me or the kinds of relationships I would like to build. I'm still struggling to find my way in the world of flirting and sex and I was trying to experiment with the terms to see how they felt. I liked that it was flirty and had some sexual undertones. But I'm hesitant to dive further into those dynamics since they carry a lot of assumptions I'm not fully on board with. They also imply a level of sexual experience i don't have, which feels dishonest. Communication surrounding romance and sex is something i have very little idea how to even approach.
 
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