How Do I Get Over Missed Opportunities?

[SamJ_]

So as some have probably seen I'm trying to start cold approaching. I've done 2 approaches in the last 4 days, first one was a joke but got me excited to keep trying. Did another one two days later and had a great interaction for several minutes that ended up in me getting a girls snap. The next day I didn't do any approaches but I said hi to every stranger that walked by to try to keep myself "warmed up" socially. But today I found myself really in my head, hesitating to even say hi to most girls, then walked past a really pretty girl and didn't say anything (she was in a conversation with someone else), and I've just been sad and mad at myself for the last 2 hours, and completely unproductive. Like now that I know I can actually approach, the pain of not doing it is so much worse and I can't even focus on my personal obligations (work, school, etc.), Idk, I need some way to keep this fun like it was at first so I stay motivated. I guess I'm taking it too seriously. Part of it is that I feel like I have a reputation to protect around the small college campus that I was at. All you guys who live in big cities have it EASY, I honestly know if I lived in a city of 500,000+ people I would approach 10 times every day minimum with no difficulty

 

[Crypto]

You just have to realize that more opportunities will arise man. Especially when it comes to attractive chicks. Beauty is common, it isn't rare at all.

 

[SamJ_]

You just have to realize that more opportunities will arise man. Especially when it comes to attractive chicks. Beauty is common, it isn't rare at all.

Yeah you're right. I've been taking it too seriously right now. just gonna have fun with it from now on and forget about this one

 

[Crypto]

I've been taking it too seriously right now

There is nothing wrong with that either but relaxing a little, having fun and enjoying the process can't hurt. Anither way to look at is this. Yes you missed the opportunity, but in missing that you also added to the desire to get better at cold approach, which can only help in the future.

 

[Toast]

I would say the emotions you are feeling are part of the process of learning how to deal with missed opportunities. Its good to be hard on yourself since it will motivate you to do better. Cold approaching is a numbers game. Try and think of solutions to be able to increase the number of approaches. Idk how far away the nearest big city is from you, but I was driving 45 min away to the best spots so that I could get higher number of approaches.

 

[SamJ_]

I would say the emotions you are feeling are part of the process of learning how to deal with missed opportunities. Its good to be hard on yourself since it will motivate you to do better. Cold approaching is a numbers game. Try and think of solutions to be able to increase the number of approaches. Idk how far away the nearest big city is from you, but I was driving 45 min away to the best spots so that I could get higher number of approaches.

I agree although I think I have to move on quicker from mistakes. I'm working on a masters degree and super busy and I can't just sit around being hard on myself for 2 hours. It's just not productive and in the past it has never done me any good. I'm 2-3 hours from a big city unfortunately.

 

[l0vebone]

You just have to realize that more opportunities will arise man. Especially when it comes to attractive chicks. Beauty is common, it isn't rare at all.

Yeah you're right. I've been taking it too seriously right now. just gonna have fun with it from now on and forget about this one

if youre new to it you should be taking it way to seriously

 

[Toast]

I agree although I think I have to move on quicker from mistakes

Its a good thing that your thinking about how to solve problems. I'm sure the solution will come to you eventually. Be it either to learn to kick yourself in the ass and approach no matter the situation, or find a way to approach more girls in your spare time while working on your degree.

 

[MILFandCookies]

So as some have probably seen I'm trying to start cold approaching. I've done 2 approaches in the last 4 days, first one was a joke but got me excited to keep trying. Did another one two days later and had a great interaction for several minutes that ended up in me getting a girls snap. The next day I didn't do any approaches but I said hi to every stranger that walked by to try to keep myself "warmed up" socially. But today I found myself really in my head, hesitating to even say hi to most girls, then walked past a really pretty girl and didn't say anything (she was in a conversation with someone else), and I've just been sad and mad at myself for the last 2 hours, and completely unproductive. Like now that I know I can actually approach, the pain of not doing it is so much worse and I can't even focus on my personal obligations (work, school, etc.), Idk, I need some way to keep this fun like it was at first so I stay motivated. I guess I'm taking it too seriously. Part of it is that I feel like I have a reputation to protect around the small college campus that I was at. All you guys who live in big cities have it EASY, I honestly know if I lived in a city of 500,000+ people I would approach 10 times every day minimum with no difficulty

a) start planning a move to a bigger city

b) journal about your emotions. The way to get over emotions isn't to get angry at them, it's to feel them, process them and move on. Plus distract in the meantime too.

c) keep hitting on girls

 

[SamJ_]

I agree although I think I have to move on quicker from mistakes

Its a good thing that your thinking about how to solve problems. I'm sure the solution will come to you eventually. Be it either to learn to kick yourself in the ass and approach no matter the situation, or find a way to approach more girls in your spare time while working on your degree.

I mean I've figured out the solution already in some sense. In order to approach my fear of regret has to be greater than my fear of public humiliation/embarrassment. That did in fact happen last Sunday as I wrote about in my log. In fact I saw the same girl in the same place I had seen a few weeks before, and thought about how much I would regret it if I pussied out, so I did a full approach, but there was also no one else around and watching, and I just happened to think of a good way to start a conversation. But in normal situations, apparently I have a bigger fear of public embarrassment than I do of regret. Apparently I just haven't wanted to approach badly enough in the past. I get self conscious pretty easily and (evidently) fear embarrassing myself and somehow need to find a way to fix this naturally. When I'm drunk I am the exact opposite, too little in the way of self-consciousness, I have no shame and say absolutely cringeworthy shit without any concern for how it is received. Somehow I need to find a middle ground naturally.

 

[SamJ_]

So as some have probably seen I'm trying to start cold approaching. I've done 2 approaches in the last 4 days, first one was a joke but got me excited to keep trying. Did another one two days later and had a great interaction for several minutes that ended up in me getting a girls snap. The next day I didn't do any approaches but I said hi to every stranger that walked by to try to keep myself "warmed up" socially. But today I found myself really in my head, hesitating to even say hi to most girls, then walked past a really pretty girl and didn't say anything (she was in a conversation with someone else), and I've just been sad and mad at myself for the last 2 hours, and completely unproductive. Like now that I know I can actually approach, the pain of not doing it is so much worse and I can't even focus on my personal obligations (work, school, etc.), Idk, I need some way to keep this fun like it was at first so I stay motivated. I guess I'm taking it too seriously. Part of it is that I feel like I have a reputation to protect around the small college campus that I was at. All you guys who live in big cities have it EASY, I honestly know if I lived in a city of 500,000+ people I would approach 10 times every day minimum with no difficulty

a) start planning a move to a bigger city

b) journal about your emotions. The way to get over emotions isn't to get angry at them, it's to feel them, process them and move on. Plus distract in the meantime too.

c) keep hitting on girls

Thanks. I don't particularly like huge cities, but a bit bigger would be nice. I guess I could even travel to a different town to practice once in awhile

 

[MILFandCookies]

a) start planning a move to a bigger city

b) journal about your emotions. The way to get over emotions isn't to get angry at them, it's to feel them, process them and move on. Plus distract in the meantime too.

c) keep hitting on girls

Thanks. I don't particularly like huge cities, but a bit bigger would be nice. I guess I could even travel to a different town to practice once in awhile

If your goal is to get over anxiety, sure.

If your goal is to get laid, traveling to another town could be shit for logistics. You'd get more results moving to a larger city. It's a good goal to start planning for.

 

[SamJ_]

Thanks. I don't particularly like huge cities, but a bit bigger would be nice. I guess I could even travel to a different town to practice once in awhile

If your goal is to get over anxiety, sure.

If your goal is to get laid, traveling to another town could be shit for logistics. You'd get more results moving to a larger city. It's a good goal to start planning for.

Those are both goals for sure. How have your results been approaching girls in groups that are having conversations? That's a pretty common scenario for me and often why I chicken out. Like today I saw 4 girls in a group sitting on something outside, one was super pretty but she was in a pretty focused conversation and honestly looked pissed off lol, so I didn't approach. Also I look and dress like more of a nerd than you (if that's actually you in the pic) so that probably wouldn't help my chances either in that case, and I feel like I'd be an annoyance

 

[RogerRoger]

Be the man girls get wet thinking they might get approached by them. Dressing nerdy is not the way to go unless you're after a very small niche.

 

[MILFandCookies]

Definitely work on your fashion and your body.

As for groups I call out the elephant in the room and say “I’m going to be an asshole and interrupt y’all for a moment... [turn to cute girl] you’re really cute. I won’t keep you from your friends but let’s grab a drink. What’s your number?”

That’s the basics. I do more complicated shit when I want to have fun or be more socially calibrated but that’s just a bonus.

This YouTuber filmed me chatting up girls here in Austin. I hit on a girl in a group of friends at 8:05: https://youtu.be/zcC-lHetS0E

A bonus with groups is make all the girls feel attractive, but your girl feel especially attractive. Girls tend to be empathetic and want their friends to feel good. You get tons less cockblocks this way.

 

[SamJ_]

Be the man girls get wet thinking they might get approached by them. Dressing nerdy is not the way to go unless you're after a very small niche.

Yeah I agree. I guess calling myself nerdy was exaggerrating, I just meant I primarily dress casually in jeans and t-shirts/sweatshirts.

 

[SamJ_]

Definitely work on your fashion and your body.

As for groups I call out the elephant in the room and say “I’m going to be an asshole and interrupt y’all for a moment... [turn to cute girl] you’re really cute. I won’t keep you from your friends but let’s grab a drink. What’s your number?”

That’s the basics. I do more complicated shit when I want to have fun or be more socially calibrated but that’s just a bonus.

This YouTuber filmed me chatting up girls here in Austin. I hit on a girl in a group of friends at 8:05: https://youtu.be/zcC-lHetS0E

A bonus with groups is make all the girls feel attractive, but your girl feel especially attractive. Girls tend to be empathetic and want their friends to feel good. You get tons less cockblocks this way.

Ok thanks. And thanks for that video, you seem really good at it! I assume you had a lot of practice prior to that? I think I need to work on my voice inflection and stuff like you, my voice is kinda deep and too monotone sometimes

 

[MILFandCookies]

Definitely work on your fashion and your body.

As for groups I call out the elephant in the room and say “I’m going to be an asshole and interrupt y’all for a moment... [turn to cute girl] you’re really cute. I won’t keep you from your friends but let’s grab a drink. What’s your number?”

That’s the basics. I do more complicated shit when I want to have fun or be more socially calibrated but that’s just a bonus.

This YouTuber filmed me chatting up girls here in Austin. I hit on a girl in a group of friends at 8:05: https://youtu.be/zcC-lHetS0E

A bonus with groups is make all the girls feel attractive, but your girl feel especially attractive. Girls tend to be empathetic and want their friends to feel good. You get tons less cockblocks this way.

Ok thanks. And thanks for that video, you seem really good at it! I assume you had a lot of practice prior to that? I think I need to work on my voice inflection and stuff like you, my voice is kinda deep and too monotone sometimes

That all comes with time, and confidence. I've found focusing on being clear and comfortable and relaxed makes my voice and body language perfect, rather than focusing on my voice and body language directly. I've had practice but that doesn't mean at all you can't do it too!

 

[SamJ_]

Ok thanks. And thanks for that video, you seem really good at it! I assume you had a lot of practice prior to that? I think I need to work on my voice inflection and stuff like you, my voice is kinda deep and too monotone sometimes

That all comes with time, and confidence. I've found focusing on being clear and comfortable and relaxed makes my voice and body language perfect, rather than focusing on my voice and body language directly. I've had practice but that doesn't mean at all you can't do it too!

How many cold approaches had you done before this video? Just curious

 

[Toast]

In fact I saw the same girl in the same place I had seen a few weeks before, and thought about how much I would regret it if I pussied out, so I did a full approach, but there was also no one else around and watching, and I just happened to think of a good way to start a conversation. But in normal situations, apparently I have a bigger fear of public embarrassment than I do of regret. Apparently I just haven't wanted to approach badly enough in the past. I get self conscious pretty easily and (evidently) fear embarrassing myself and somehow need to find a way to fix this naturally. When I'm drunk I am the exact opposite, too little in the way of self-consciousness, I have no shame and say absolutely cringeworthy shit without any concern for how it is received. Somehow I need to find a middle ground naturally.

You just need to approach more girls to get rid of these feelings. You're still a baby right now learning how to walk. Once you approach 100 girls I'm sure that these feelings will have subsided a bit. Nobody's perfect in the beginning and changes do not happen immediately. Its all a work in progress.

About public embarrassment, it is tough to break through that mental barrier, but at the end of the day who cares when your ultimate goal is getting laid. Your interaction in the day is like a speck of dust in someone's memory. Nobody out in the world honestly will remember if you acted like a fool. You are generally the only one dwelling on the embarrassing moments. People out in public generally don't pay anyone any attention outside of their own little bubble. So its fine to embarrasses your self.

I also agree that you should fix your style. Working on how you look will have a huge impact on the way you feel about approaching girls, and how they react. If you look and feel good it will have an effect on your approach.
I always point people to https://thehatfish.com/ for a great beginners guide to dress.

Also basically everything you have said is what the AA program works on. Feeling self conscious out in public, embarrassing your self, approaching groups, hesitation, etc. All of this stuff comes from a lack of social freedom, and approach anxiety. Since you're already out there approaching girls I'm not sure if you need to do the program, but I will always encourage people to do it. It not only teaches guys to feel comfortable approaching, but also helps with breaking out of the social norms and doing things that may be perceived as weird as a new normal.

Some key pointers I learned on my journey are:
Set time restrictions to motivate your self
Approach the first girl you see regardless of the situation
Have mini goals to over come