How do you decide when to approach?

[SamJ_]

This is the biggest thing I struggle with with cold approach. I've proven to myself I don't have crippling approach anxiety that actually prevents me from approaching because now I've done full blown sober approaches during the daytime, which I'm proud of. But these have only been when there was an obvious conversation starter that I thought of that pertained to the environment or the girl was smiling and looking at me already. I don't approach 95+% of the hot girls I see walking by or sitting/standing near me and I think the reason is I can't think of a way to do it in a way that has any decent chance of working. How do you guys do it? Do you force yourselves to ignore the fact that you might look socially retarded and go out of your way to walk over to girls and interrupt their conversations? Do you walk around outside or in stores shouting girls down and complimenting them? I'm not tryna come across condescending here or anything, I'm just genuinely curious whether you guys try to wait for the right time to approach or if you just force yourself into super awkward approaches.

 

[Toast]

What more reason do you need to approach then "hey I thought you were cute and wanted to get to know you"

I'm just genuinely curious whether you guys try to wait for the right time to approach or if you just force yourself into super awkward approaches.

Go and force yourself into approaching. You said it yourself that you're missing 95% of opportunities. That's fucked dude. Sounds like you need to just up your numbers, normalize getting rejected, and embarrass yourself more in public. That way none of that shit will matter to you in the slightest.

I had to do so much cringe stuff during the AA program, but that's helped me not give a fuck about being embarrassed or approaching in situations that seem weird. Also probably have been rejected 100's of times. So that doesn't matter to me as well.

If I waited for the perfect opportunity to approach during the program id most likely still be on the first week.

 

[Manganiello]

This sounds like a case of approach anxiety. Why do you need to decide how to approach?

Who cares if it works? 80 to 90% of them will have boyfriends anyway.



The real answer is extremely simple.


You walk up to her and say "Hey I thought you were cute. I wanted to say hi. My name is Sam."

Thats what you do. Any cute girl you see, you go and do it. Its not going to be easy until you've done hundreds of them. I'm serious.

So if I was to be brutally honest I'd say stop expecting this to be easy and go and do it. There's no way around this.

No tricks.

No tips.

No hacks.

Nothing. You just have to do it.

Do it so many times that you don't even care anymore what she says.

That's the only answer.

1. You see her.
2. You think she's cute.
3. You walk towards her.
4. You interrupt her and introduce yourself.
5. Talk for 2 minutes.
6. Take her number.

That's it.

Like Toast says you need to normalize yourself to rejection. And the only way to do that is to get rejection.

To answer you're specific questions:
Yes you ignore that you're doing something very Public and people are watching and you might look like a retard. That's a conscious decision I make atleast.

I walk in stores and find them. I track them down and interrupt them.

 

[SamJ_]

This sounds like a case of approach anxiety. Why do you need to decide how to approach?

Who cares if it works? 80 to 90% of them will have boyfriends anyway.



The real answer is extremely simple.


You walk up to her and say "Hey I thought you were cute. I wanted to say hi. My name is Sam."

Thats what you do. Any cute girl you see, you go and do it. Its not going to be easy until you've done hundreds of them. I'm serious.

So if I was to be brutally honest I'd say stop expecting this to be easy and go and do it. There's no way around this.

No tricks.

No tips.

No hacks.

Nothing. You just have to do it.

Do it so many times that you don't even care anymore what she says.

That's the only answer.

1. You see her.
2. You think she's cute.
3. You walk towards her.
4. You interrupt her and introduce yourself.
5. Talk for 2 minutes.
6. Take her number.

That's it.

Like @Toast says you need to normalize yourself to rejection. And the only way to do that is to get rejection.

To answer you're specific questions:
Yes you ignore that you're doing something very Public and people are watching and you might look like a retard. That's a conscious decision I make atleast.

I walk in stores and find them. I track them down and interrupt them.

Okay fair enough. You're right I do have approach anxiety, but at least I know I'm able to approach. Does the fact that I'm planning to do a fair number of approaches on a college campus of only 5000 girls change anything? I don't really worry about rejection, I worry about getting a reputation and people thinking I'm a mentally ill crackhead or something lmao.

 

[SamJ_]

What more reason do you need to approach then "hey I thought you were cute and wanted to get to know you"

I'm just genuinely curious whether you guys try to wait for the right time to approach or if you just force yourself into super awkward approaches.

Go and force yourself into approaching. You said it yourself that you're missing 95% of opportunities. That's fucked dude. Sounds like you need to just up your numbers, normalize getting rejected, and embarrass yourself more in public. That way none of that shit will matter to you in the slightest.

I had to do so much cringe stuff during the AA program, but that's helped me not give a fuck about being embarrassed or approaching in situations that seem weird. Also probably have been rejected 100's of times. So that doesn't matter to me as well.

If I waited for the perfect opportunity to approach during the program id most likely still be on the first week.

I agree, thanks. The problem is I'm in a small enough community that there's a decent chance I see some of these girls again that I approach. I know I'm being neurotic but I guess that's the biggest fear. Although I guess it's not like I have much social status to begin with, so I'm not really risking anything by doing cringe shit in public lol.

 

[Manganiello]

don't really worry about rejection, I worry about getting a reputation and people thinking I'm a mentally ill crackhead or something lmao.

I think this is a decision you need to make yourself.

I had the same thing. Like "Will everybody see me as that guy?"

And I guess I deliberately did it anyway and surrendered to the fact that I might need to be seen as that guy to have success.

 

[Toast]

Id probably have to just parrot what Manganiello said. Gotta weight the risks vs rewards of creating that kind of public image in you community.

You mentioned in another thread that the closest major city was 3 hours away or so. Maybe gotta look at diversifying your locations as to not gain a rep in a certain place like your campus. Like do a few approaches at a grocery store and then move somewhere else. Just throwing out ideas.

 

[SamJ_]

don't really worry about rejection, I worry about getting a reputation and people thinking I'm a mentally ill crackhead or something lmao.

I think this is a decision you need to make yourself.

I had the same thing. Like "Will everybody see me as that guy?"

And I guess I deliberately did it anyway and surrendered to the fact that I might need to be seen as that guy to have success.

Right, but you're in a city of over a million people, right? I'm not trying to make excuses but I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have a bit more discretion in who I approach in my situation than you would have. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not approaching enough yet. But I think there could be such a thing as too much in a community the size of mine.

 

[SamJ_]

Id probably have to just parrot what @Manganiello said. Gotta weight the risks vs rewards of creating that kind of public image in you community.

You mentioned in another thread that the closest major city was 3 hours away or so. Maybe gotta look at diversifying your locations as to not gain a rep in a certain place like your campus. Like do a few approaches at a grocery store and then move somewhere else. Just throwing out ideas.

Yeah, diversifying locations is a good idea.

 

[Manganiello]

I think this is a decision you need to make yourself.

I had the same thing. Like "Will everybody see me as that guy?"

And I guess I deliberately did it anyway and surrendered to the fact that I might need to be seen as that guy to have success.

Right, but you're in a city of over a million people, right? I'm not trying to make excuses but I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have a bit more discretion in who I approach in my situation than you would have. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not approaching enough yet. But I think there could be such a thing as too much in a community the size of mine.

Well it's your life. But Idk what I'm supposed to say here. It sounds extremely difficult the way you're explaining it.

How badly do you want it?

Because if you want it, you set your goals and figure out how do them. Whatever it takes. Not easy advice to follow. But there's some realities that just need to be accepted and dealt with. It's just the way it is.

Maybe you need to move.
Maybe you need to get a reputation.
Maybe you need to approach only 100 girls this year and accept every single approach will be hard.
Or maybe you need to drop approaching altogether.

Sounds like you only have a limited set of options.

If you want it badly enough. You need to look for solutions and control the things you can control.

If it were me I would be moving. You dont have too many chances to prioritize your sex life and compromising sets a very bad precedent for your other goals. Not the easiest advice to follow.

I think you just need to define what you're willing to give up to get what you want and stick with that.

There's no right answer here.

 

[SamJ_]

Right, but you're in a city of over a million people, right? I'm not trying to make excuses but I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have a bit more discretion in who I approach in my situation than you would have. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not approaching enough yet. But I think there could be such a thing as too much in a community the size of mine.

Well it's your life. But Idk what I'm supposed to say here. It sounds extremely difficult the way you're explaining it.

How badly do you want it?

Because if you want it, you set your goals and figure out how do them. Whatever it takes. Not easy advice to follow. But there's some realities that just need to be accepted and dealt with. It's just the way it is.

Maybe you need to move.
Maybe you need to get a reputation.
Maybe you need to approach only 100 girls this year and accept every single approach will be hard.
Or maybe you need to drop approaching altogether.

Sounds like you only have a limited set of options.

If you want it badly enough. You need to look for solutions and control the things you can control.

If it were me I would be moving. You dont have too many chances to prioritize your sex life and compromising sets a very bad precedent for your other goals. Not the easiest advice to follow.

I think you just need to define what you're willing to give up to get what you want and stick with that.

There's no right answer here.

I definitely do plan on moving to a bigger city eventually but it won't be for at least 8 months unless I drop out of school. Since I've been working on a Master's Degree for awhile that will likely give me a job making at least 70K a year, I'm not gonna just drop out of school. I plan on finding a job in a big city around January of next year. So I guess for the time being I'll risk getting a reputation. I'm definitely not going to put approaching on hold until then, I need to keep working at it now. It's not like my reputation is gonna matter much anyway since I'll probably be moving soon. And I'm not gonna say anything crazy anyway, just basic approaches

 

[Manganiello]

That makes sense. 8 months isn't too bad.

Honestly man, majority of girls love being approached. Even if they have turn you down because they have a boyfriend. They genuinely enjoy it. You'll get to feed off that energy. It feels like good karma points when you approach sometimes.

 

[SamJ_]

That makes sense. 8 months isn't too bad.

Honestly man, majority of girls love being approached. Even if they have turn you down because they have a boyfriend. They genuinely enjoy it. You'll get to feed off that energy. It feels like good karma points when you approach sometimes.

Yeah Ive had all positive reactions except for the first one which was a joke of an approach anyway. I think I'm gonna update my goal and make the goal every week to do more approaches than the previous week

 

[Wifty]

Everything has already been said beautifully.

You do have approach anxiety otherwise there wouldn't any excuses or conditions about how and when you give yourself permissio' to approach.


If you don't want to do the AA PROGRAM (you don't have to), you still have to work on your 'weak points', aka the times when it's harder for you.

These simply show you what needs to be done and taken care of. Like when you make progress, get rid of precise insecurities and further on the way meet other insecurities. These New insecurities aren't New they were under the surface and need to be treated the same way as before : gradual and regular exposure.

This means that when you feel it's harder to approach girls walking by or standing near you, That's exactly what you need to push yourself to do. As many times as needed until you feel better about it.
Then you'll have other harder approaches, and you'll do the same process.



Too, you're leaving in 8 months right ?
That's awesome.

That means you have 8 extra months to make it yours. So when you'll Land there you'll already be Killing it.

Look at these 8 months here as vacation time. In a place you didn't know around People Who don't know you as well, and Who you Will leave in 8 months. So why would you care about how they perceive you as it's only for a while ?

 

[l0vebone]

Dont tell them "hi i think your cute i had to come say hi"

Heres a good one but you better not start telling people because i created it: "yo excuse me! oh you looked like someone i wanted to date in highschool lol. Whats up?"

Or "yo excuse me! i just had to come say hi really quick, whats ur name?" Whatever you do, dont call them cute tho

 

[Crisis_Overcomer]

Dont tell them "hi i think your cute i had to come say hi"

Heres a good one but you better not start telling people because i created it: "yo excuse me! oh you looked like someone i wanted to date in highschool lol. Whats up?"

Or "yo excuse me! i just had to come say hi really quick, whats ur name?" Whatever you do, dont call them cute tho

Crazy how someone can have so many posts in a community, yet be so out of touch with said community.

Why not call them cute?

 

[Manganiello]

Whatever you do, dont call them cute tho

Why???

 

[l0vebone]

Whatever you do, dont call them cute tho

Why???

waste of time, its not being honest, and i dont know anybody irl who gets laid who talks like that. Anytime ive given a girl a compliment like that she immediately lost attraction. girls laugh at guys are that socially inept/thirsty

 

[l0vebone]

at least where I live. Your mileage may vary, go talk to 100 girls and see for yourself, if you get results doing that then pat yourself on the back, in my experience, it is a shitty way to start a conversation

 

[Manganiello]

waste of time, its not being honest, and i dont know anybody irl who gets laid who talks like that. Anytime ive given a girl a compliment like that she immediately lost attraction. girls laugh at guys are that socially inept/thirsty

l0vebone
You realize Chris and Scotty were proposing being as direct as possible? Guys out there who are doing 200+ approaches each week (See Mike Mehlman) are saying be as direct as possible.

All those guys say be direct and call the girl cute/sexy/etc.

And how is it not being honest to call girl cute? You do think they're cute don't you?

For you to come out and say to not do that sounds ridiculous to me. It's so contradictory.

Theres hardly anybody in real life who is actually approaching directly because hardly anybody is comfortable being that direct.

You're SCREENING girls. Not having a who can get girls to like them the most contest.

Also that completely conflicts with my experience. Girls love being called cute, I'd put it in the 70 to 80% range.

Maybe it's how you were saying it?



When someone asks for input into a serious area of their life its important you check how good you're advice is before you give it. Maybe you deemed your advice good enough? But I don't see how you can think that or even be certain to the level that you are when so many greats say the total opposite.

SamJ_ do your research if you want to get informed on the best way to do this.

From my research (not.including my experience) all the top guys say go direct. See Chris, Scotty, Mikemehlman.com
Those guys have 10s of thousands of approaches each.