I got what I wanted, so why am I so unhappy?

[Ashsrt]

Hey guys, its been a long time since I posted. Life's been pretty good, I hit my goal weight, met plenty of women and racked up more lays then my goal (1/month). Then for some reason, I just stopped talking to every girl that was in my rotation. that was about a month ago. I told myself it was tinder burnout, and that id take some time off and eventually get back on it.

Then last week, I spent the weekend with a very close friend and his sister for her birthday. this was the most one on one I've ever had with her, and shit, I think I actually like her. She was always beautiful, but she has a great personality, she's funny, and she's mature. Looking back at the last few year, my love life was literally nonexistent, then I found the community and got out there, met plenty of girls and had tons of fun, but it hit me - I didn't ever legitimately have feelings for them. I thought I was immune to that shit, but here we are and I cant stop thinking about this girl. I've never had these emotions as an adult, and I kind of hate it, I thought I had more control over myself.

And here we are now, I'm realizing that I haven't actually been happy running through tinder girls. What the fuck is wrong with me? I tried getting back on Hinge first, and couldn't bring myself to actually swipe. I just didn't care about having sex with anyone.

So now I have a few paths. I can talk to my friend and sister about my feelings (honestly I thought I was over rejection too, but the thought of getting rejected here actually hurts)
I can continue having emotionless sex on tinder.
I could do nothing and wonder what could have been

Either way I'm still going to continue self improvement, I know I'm not good enough yet, but ill be damn sure to keep trying.

any opinions or thoughts are welcome, I haven't felt this way before and I'm struggling to navigate through it.
am I fucked up in the head for not having feelings for anyone up until now?

 

[Avihihi]

Hey man,

I can't answer a lot of your questions but I'm curious about some of the things you said..

"I can continue having emotionless sex on tinder"
- Does it have to be emotionless? Do you think you could create something more from these tinder girls such as an ongoing FWB situation, a relationship, whatever else you can imagine or want?

I get the feeling of not being able to swipe because of something emotional blocking you. The girl before the one I been seeing right now I was with for 6 months in a FWB thing that was a lot more emotional than I intended it to be. We pretty much were in a relationship and because of that I couldn't get myself to really commit to swiping on and messaging new women. I would keep thinking "Am I just going to match with these girls, go on a date, sleep with them and then that's it?". It felt very meaningless and not that exciting since I was currently with a girl who I had a strong emotional connection with.

Maybe you can create new goals based on what you want right now so you can get that feeling of excitement back for this? When I just swipe without a goal it feels pointless to me since just getting another body doesn't mean anything to me.

But right now i'm trying to cross items off my sexual bucket list and create the fantasies I've written down so now swiping and going after more girls feels fun because it's part of a larger mission I have for myself.

So maybe it might help to take some time to think about what you want, what excites you, what your desires are, and come back to swiping when you have a motivating purpose to do it for (doesn't have to be anything crazy, mine right now is to set up a threesome, improve my social skills, and find a fun FWB who I can enjoy trying things with)

 

[Squilliam]

Sounds like sex with tons of girls might not have really been what you wanted.

In online groups related to subjects like these, it seems to be a common theme for everybody to want to get laid with tons of girls, but in reality that might not be what you want.

I kind of have the same issue. I thought I wanted lots of sex but I'm starting to wonder if a relationship is really what will fulfill me.

 

[nipple-flip]

happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling

read and think about this poem: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51296/ithaka-56d22eef917ec

 

[Ashsrt]

Hey man,

I can't answer a lot of your questions but I'm curious about some of the things you said..

"I can continue having emotionless sex on tinder"
- Does it have to be emotionless? Do you think you could create something more from these tinder girls such as an ongoing FWB situation, a relationship, whatever else you can imagine or want?

I get the feeling of not being able to swipe because of something emotional blocking you. The girl before the one I been seeing right now I was with for 6 months in a FWB thing that was a lot more emotional than I intended it to be. We pretty much were in a relationship and because of that I couldn't get myself to really commit to swiping on and messaging new women. I would keep thinking "Am I just going to match with these girls, go on a date, sleep with them and then that's it?". It felt very meaningless and not that exciting since I was currently with a girl who I had a strong emotional connection with.

Maybe you can create new goals based on what you want right now so you can get that feeling of excitement back for this? When I just swipe without a goal it feels pointless to me since just getting another body doesn't mean anything to me.

But right now i'm trying to cross items off my sexual bucket list and create the fantasies I've written down so now swiping and going after more girls feels fun because it's part of a larger mission I have for myself.

So maybe it might help to take some time to think about what you want, what excites you, what your desires are, and come back to swiping when you have a motivating purpose to do it for (doesn't have to be anything crazy, mine right now is to set up a threesome, improve my social skills, and find a fun FWB who I can enjoy trying things with)

I guess I started this thing with the intention of not having anything serious. So I never let myself get attached to anyone. And I don’t know if I can anymore. I think the best thing is for me to just take a break and organize my thought. Thanks for the advise man

 

[Ashsrt]

Sounds like sex with tons of girls might not have really been what you wanted.

In online groups related to subjects like these, it seems to be a common theme for everybody to want to get laid with tons of girls, but in reality that might not be what you want.

I kind of have the same issue. I thought I wanted lots of sex but I'm starting to wonder if a relationship is really what will fulfill me.

One year ago I was positive that’s what I wanted. It almost feels like a mistake now though.

It’s a strange thing, yeah there’s always another girl but its damn lonely man.

 

[Ashsrt]

happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling

read and think about this poem: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51296/ithaka-56d22eef917ec

I can see what the poem is saying, and I guess my response is, imagine you set out in the wrong direction. But didn’t realize it until you got there. And still, the destination remains unknown.

 

[Avihihi]

happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling

read and think about this poem: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51296/ithaka-56d22eef917ec

I can see what the poem is saying, and I guess my response is, imagine you set out in the wrong direction. But didn’t realize it until you got there. And still, the destination remains unknown.

You probably picked up things along the way right?

Also maybe you would've been obsessed and always wondering about this part of your life if you never pursued it.

Sex has been feeling pretty meaningless for me too since the breakup. Honestly every time I get with a new partner for the first time I feel a bit empty. I think the fun comes from the journey though, even though it's fucking frustrating and can be difficult it's still enjoyable when you start seeing growth and change.

Maybe this video might help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tCHhqdFMyQ&ab_channel=BeInspired

The main takeaway is that pursuing is the reward, and after you achieve something you tend to be low for a while and so the best thing to do is to take a break and let yourself recover - and eventually the motivation will come back up again and you'll want to pursue things again.

You can also just go for permanent contentedness by becoming enlightened, but even that seems to get old (Read the first book by Jed McKenna).

Good luck man

 

[SpongeBob]

It's not because we're on his forum bit Andy has an article about it : https://killyourinnerloser.com/settling/

It's totally normal man. You wanted something one year ago, now you want something different. It's just called growth. Maybe in a year, after a relationship, you'll want to bang many girls again, you can't know what you'll want in the future.

So maybe now is just the time to adjust the direction. Doesn't lean that you took the wrong path. You had to take that path to lead you where you are now, with the knowledge that you have.

It's all a big experiment (also stole from one of Andy's article).

You're on the right path

 

[GrantDaniel]

Hey man, this may be completely non helpful but.....

I am pretty sure when you started this journey you we're excited or happy or looking forward to it or at least not feeling like how you do now right?

Well if that is the case, just KISS

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid

Find a new goal over the next year, I see you like Jiu Jitsu (best sport in the world BTW), keeping grinding that and try to get better at submissions you never hit or work on getting better at bottom side half. You literally have the entire world world at you disposal, there are so so many beautiful thing out here. Train for a marathon. Try to connect with people on a deeper level and try to find someone to share all your love with over the next year. Try and be more honest.

Basically what I am saying is just pour yourself into something new that interest you. There is no reason why it all needs to stop here, learn how to love each person you meet.

Thank you for sharing this my dude, really is a interesting and thoughtful topic

Cheers

 

[Ashsrt]

I can see what the poem is saying, and I guess my response is, imagine you set out in the wrong direction. But didn’t realize it until you got there. And still, the destination remains unknown.

You probably picked up things along the way right?

Also maybe you would've been obsessed and always wondering about this part of your life if you never pursued it.

Sex has been feeling pretty meaningless for me too since the breakup. Honestly every time I get with a new partner for the first time I feel a bit empty. I think the fun comes from the journey though, even though it's fucking frustrating and can be difficult it's still enjoyable when you start seeing growth and change.

Maybe this video might help you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tCHhqdFMyQ&ab_channel=BeInspired

The main takeaway is that pursuing is the reward, and after you achieve something you tend to be low for a while and so the best thing to do is to take a break and let yourself recover - and eventually the motivation will come back up again and you'll want to pursue things again.

You can also just go for permanent contentedness by becoming enlightened, but even that seems to get old (Read the first book by Jed McKenna).

Good luck man

Thanks man, you know I haven’t even considered that I did gain from this experience. I’m not the same person I was a year ago, and I’m honestly grateful for that. My immediate friends/family keep saying I’m way more social and personable. Thanks for saying what you said man!

 

[Ashsrt]

It's not because we're on his forum bit Andy has an article about it : https://killyourinnerloser.com/settling/

It's totally normal man. You wanted something one year ago, now you want something different. It's just called growth. Maybe in a year, after a relationship, you'll want to bang many girls again, you can't know what you'll want in the future.

So maybe now is just the time to adjust the direction. Doesn't lean that you took the wrong path. You had to take that path to lead you where you are now, with the knowledge that you have.

It's all a big experiment (also stole from one of Andy's article).

You're on the right path

Thanks brother, the article pretty much nailed my headspace.

Nows the time to regroup, analyze and plan for the next stage.

 

[Ashsrt]

Mate, I can relate very much. I'm successful with online dating but I actually hate it. Having sex with tinder girls gives me absolutely nothing. It makes me feel empty and depresesd.

Th advice that I can give you is:
1. Set goals that are unrelated to women (run a marathon, climb a 8km mountain, etc.)
2. Meet girls in real life. For me that's so much more rewarding than fucking those easy tinder girls.

Both worked quite well for me, but not perfectly. If anybody has additional advice, I'd be happy to hear it.

Thanks for the advise, I think I have been missing the human element of getting out there and building real, physical connections.

And yeah, physical goals are always a must, keeps me in shape, grounded and honest.

 

[Ashsrt]

Hey man, this may be completely non helpful but.....

I am pretty sure when you started this journey you we're excited or happy or looking forward to it or at least not feeling like how you do now right?

Well if that is the case, just KISS

Keep
It
Simple
Stupid

Find a new goal over the next year, I see you like Jiu Jitsu (best sport in the world BTW), keeping grinding that and try to get better at submissions you never hit or work on getting better at bottom side half. You literally have the entire world world at you disposal, there are so so many beautiful thing out here. Train for a marathon. Try to connect with people on a deeper level and try to find someone to share all your love with over the next year. Try and be more honest.

Basically what I am saying is just pour yourself into something new that interest you. There is no reason why it all needs to stop here, learn how to love each person you meet.

Thank you for sharing this my dude, really is a interesting and thoughtful topic

Cheers

Haha, yeah bjj is awesome. I’ve loved seeing myself grow from a complete newbie to being able to hold my own against decent guys.

That’s a fantastic idea, to set goals related to building actual healthy relationships rather then lay counts. Of course Part of me is scared because that involves opening up to people. But that’s all part of being human right?

Thanks for the advise man, it is a pretty interesting topic.

 

[PinchePendejo]

This is hilarious. I could’ve written this post myself because this is exactly what I’ve gone through. You can read through my log all about it.

I experienced the same thing you did - sex with a lot of girls, dating, PUA, etc. and not once did I have taken a genuine liking to a lady. I mean I did like them, but not enough to pursue a genuine relationship/connection. Then I got back into dating and met a girl I just couldn’t get outta my head.

Just like you I HATED the feeling of not being in control of my emotions and berated myself for allowing myself to have feelings for a girl. I’ve never been in this position because I’ve never been a relationship. Then I spoke to friends and they couldn’t understand my dilemma. They would say things like, “you really like a girl…why is it bad that you constantly think about her?”.

You’re not an emotionless robot immune to being enamored, infatuated, or in love with someone. You’re a human being with emotion and feelings. You have found someone that you genuinely want to pursue. Of course this frightening…you’re now in a position where you feel powerless and are not in control.

Accept and embrace how you feel. This is what life is about. This is a good thing. Now you know there are women out there that will excite you and make you feel ALIVE. My advice? Pursue her. See where things go. Get to know her and actually take a risk. Even if it doesn’t work out now you know more about yourself.