Jonathan makes a discorery

[MILFandCookies]

Hey!

Decided to make my log public, which means that I also have a public profile that shows my gorgeous, beautiful eccentric intsel (in denial)-wannabe chad esque mug.

Depression/sleeplessness/mental health - has been going on and off (some days I go fall asleep at 2am, wake up at 4am, fall asleep again at 6am, wake up at 2pm) - working on getting an appointment with a therapist. What has really helped me is meditation and positive thoughts. I also still get these anger moments about hypergamy, cock carousel and all that typical good shit.

NoFap - fail after fail. I have a new goal now for it: try to make 3 days. SMALL goals only.

Working out/weight/fitness/social life - We have full lockdown, however, gyms will be open in two weeks(!) if everything goes according to "plan", which means that i'll be able to move out of my parents place and be social again(yay baby!). I have small bones, some of it can be helped by muscle/weight gain.

Looks - besides weight gain, I've been trying to drink more water to make my skin look better. I'm also thinking about a teeth whitening kit (I was about to buy it, but it was too expensive. I'm looking for something a bit cheaper). I already have the height increasing insoles (I'm 5'10 - 5'11), but they hurt my feet, so I wear them if I go to places where I might have a chance to meet decent girls

Sex/romance - I mean... I'm a bitter 25 (going on 26 soon) year old virgin, so I don't get any lol. This hasn't changed in the last six months or so (from the time I found this place). I know I've gotten all of that "talk to more girls" and "meet five girls a day" etc. which I'm really thankful for (really, you guys have pulled my head out of my ass so many times), but I live in a town w/ 6k people, that apparently 5% of which are my age people. I don't really live in a location where I can do that NOR am I generally, MOST OF THE TIME not interested in girls that much (I have this weird form of madonna-whore-male-hypergamy complex that I've written a lot about before). I want to fuck girls as much as I want to be a texas ranger or a leader of a knitting club, HOWEVER I still want that sweet, sweet femininity etc. I feel like a guy who wants to be a great tractor driver but is generally disgusted by turning wheels. I have NOT found a solution to that YET - no, SO FAR talking to new girls HAS NOT helped. I WILL keep going, though. For some reason, everything that feels "wrong" is a huge turn off and everything that feels "proper" is a turn on, pretty much opposite to most people, so in general "hot" and "slutty" girls have give the exact opposite reaction .

Money - I'm making some gainz with my investments. I want to retire young, however I still don't have the means to MAKE money that much, I can only GROW it. I'm a musician (rnb-ish pop-ish jazz-ish singer, also play the keys a bit) who only has maybe one or two gigs every couple of months (like... 100-200 eur max?). I'm also a digital artist and would love to become an anatomy teacher. I had a goal to make one instagram post of my progress every day (art stuff). I had a great start, did it for maybe 5 days and then failed.

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Small steps I can do now:
* If I have the money, buy the teeth whitening kit
* fix final school stuff
* move out
* hit the gym
* eat decently and drink olive oil + vitamin D.
* try to socialize more (as much as you can during lockdown)
* try to help other people (who seem lost) as much as you can without hurting yourself too much

also, start with not touching your peepee for 3 days. See how that goes.

I'm throwing out different stuff right now due to desperation, trying to see if anything sticks on the wall

A few things.

1) Fucking props for working on your positivity! And for the self-awareness you have. I see you in a bad space, but you're super self-aware of where you're at and trying to get out of it. Being in the lowest possible place put moving in the right direction is so much better than being on top of the world but sabotaging yourself. You're definitely pointed in the right direction.

2) Your last bulletpoint of helping others? Don't. The best way you can help anyone right now is become a beast yourself. Then you'll have more to give. Give yourself all your focus right now.

3) Move to a more populous city. Should be near top of priority list. 6k people with barely anyone your age won't help you at all... I don't know which country you're in, but all countries have cities with a lot of young people. If you don't have the money to live in that city, then make that your focus.

Keep it up man. You might not be in the best place but you're going in the right direction!

 

[MILFandCookies]

I live in Estonia,

Oh nice! You must have loved Tenet then. I visited Latvia a few years ago and heard tons about Talinn.

Funny story: while In HS, I had a crush on a girl so I contacted a "pick up artist" - we did some of the typical day game shit, but I realized that he's way, way more into girls (like normal guys I guess, asking things like "what do you mean you don't find a girl attractive like every week?") so we stopped it after I essentially refused to hit on girls that he found attractive and I didn't feel anything towards. I remember actually the first approach I did I had "success" because the girls were visibly interested in me and even added me later on FB (found out my name etc.). They were cute, I just didn't know what to do after that lol

Sounds like what's holding you back is your mind, not your environment.

If you didn't want girls, you wouldn't be so frustrated and angry. You'd just live your life not caring about girls.

Perhaps your desire is tied up in hatred and anger, and you don't have access to it. I'm excited to see how your therapy works out - you mentioned you're looking for a therapist. This might be the solution for you... Although I'd suggest moving too. Talinn seems best if you want to stay in Estonia, a college town with only 100 people your age is still waaaaay too little.

 

[AnemicBruh]

About the sleep problems -
Ever since I got depressed, I wake up at 6-7am everyday, no matter what time I go to sleep. What really helped me is having breakfast or eating a snack and going back to sleep. I sleep like a baby afterwards.

I have similar feelings towards girls as you. Glad to see that I'm not alone. I had a few lays, but the sex never felt good, aside from when I had it with a girl I genuinely liked(who ended up playing me lol). The only thing I enjoyed about getting laid was the feeling of accomplishment and empowerment.

I don't believe you just want "platonic" relationships - I think what you may have convinced yourself you want that because you're actually scared of rejection. That happened in my case. For instance, I met the girl I genuinely liked from cold approach. I didn't find her attractive at first and I had to "force" myself to approach her.

Sorry for the ramble lol

 

[enjoyablehat]

Hey man - great to have you! Joe hit the nail on the head with his points - I'd reread a few times and all of what he says is what you need to hear IMO.

I'm not super experienced myself, but my answer/guess is that you need to force yourself through the motions a few times - do exactly what the experienced guys here say and Andy's guides until you get a few lays under your belt - you probably won't feel like a sexual person until you've been with a few girls. 95% of the sex I had was in a long term relationship and I know I can't relate to my friends that have had multiple girlfriends or friends w/ benefits or a lot of lays.

I guess it's like confidence - you don't magically whip up confidence and then do things - you do things first, and through that build confidence.

 

[JamalHash123]

You like girls, you just don't like girls that seem like they are sexually attracted to bad boys/masculine men (ie 99% of girls) because you have low self confidence and you don't think you are that man and you think that you will lose the girls you get to those kind of men. Hence why I think you focus on "pure, virginal girls" hence your Madonna/whore complex. Hence your focus on rough sex because you associate rough sex with girls who like masculine men (someone who you think you are not and who you think you will never be).

Your disgust of sexually active girls is actually your ego's subconscious self-protection mechanism ("How can they reject me/cheat on me if I don't want them in the first place?").

 

[SIGMA_1234]

JamalHash123 that is good shit. Because deep down I am also struggling with the same thing.

 

[JamalHash123]

ugh...

 

[SIGMA_1234]

I'm introverted, I used to be shy, I was very religious from age 13 to 26. I didn't date or hook up AT ALL in college because I had some fairy tale idea that it was supposed to just happen.

Hey look, you're exactly like me. Very religious and snapped because I finally wanted to get laid so bad.

MattsCrib we've been saying it over and over again for the past few months that not all girls are sluts and just want to hook up. Sure maybe a lot will go through that phase, but me growing up from a religious background, I can attest there are a lot of women looking for a relationship. You just need to be in a place where they are looking for that, not in hookup areas.

We even told you months ago to talk to more women, just so you can see that there are women who want relationships and not want to hookup. What even happened to that?

 

[AnemicBruh]

What do you want to accomplish by losing your virginity to a hooker? Be precise and honest with yourself
Do you think it would work?
How do you think you would feel doing the deed? Would you feel comfortable with it or ashamed?

 

[jackBruh]

(Not a psychologist) but it sounds like you could really benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy. A psychologist would be best because they could give you a diagnosis but if you don't have the cash then you can read books about it too. I read the first few chapters of this one and it was really good (can download from https:// libgen.is/ remove the space). It's a lot of work, and could take you months or years but eventually you can rewrite your brains reaction to sex/intimacy from repulsion to something else.

https://www.worldcat.org/title/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-workbook-for-personality-disorders-a-step-by-step-program/oclc/759924240

 

[jackBruh]

Yes! Thank you. I DO have a therapists appointment.

Good stuff! I know a lot of people haven't found much success with therapy on these forums, but I found it very helpful. Hope you do too! And don't be afraid to try a few out, they're all different.

 

[Lord Rey]

Every hour or so I open up the "online webcam mirror" and check my appearance - I think I look fine except some fucked up parts, but when I pick a reverse webcam mirror, I look absolutely disfigured. Has anyone felt that?

Hey man, I think that's kind of a normal thing. It's because you're not used to see your face inverted. It can expose some slight asymmetry of your face that you don't notice usually. I got the same "shock" the first time I saw my face inverted.

How do you start enjoying... sexuality? How do I make this connection between love (pure, good, wholesome, humane and makes me feel good inside) and sex (feels physically good but animalistic, non pure, murderous, suicidal, evil, makes you want to kill yourself)?

For my part, I don't see sex as an non-pure thing (even if it can get messy haha), I see it as a natural need that can mix really well with your feelings for your significant other. When I was a virgin, I used to see it like something very special to do only with a girl I'm truly in love with... I had this romantic vision of sex but after years of frustration, having my sexual needs not met, I finally changed my perception of it.
I lost my virginity to an escort after getting drunk at a party... It wasn't a bad experience as she was nice and I finally got a bit of that sweet sex I so much craved, but if I could go back in time I would have rather took the self-improvement path earlier instead of using that shortcut to get laid.
After losing my virginity, I just wasted a lot of money on escorts as I still wasn't able to get any girl... now I don't allow myself to do that again. I prefer to save my money and go full steam ahead into self-improvement.

 

[Lord Rey]

Have you gotten girls now?

I just got one last year when I was on vacation in Poland. I spent a night and the next day with her, then she ghosted me.
Back in my country (Switzerland), I just got 2 dates but no lays... I have a lot of work to improve myself.

 

[Giles]

It's crazy how pessimistic you are and ridiculously focused on weird facial stuff that no mentally healthy person gives a fuck about. I think you look like a perfectly normal dude. If you didn't have such a shitty attitude you'd be a 7/10 for most girls, a 7/10 guy can definitely get hot girls.

 

[Gabi]

Hey bro, you have an handsome face :

- The jaw and jawline looks good from the front and the sides
- A lean face and your lips are small. it gives a masculine/dominant face
- Really nice cheekbones
- Facial features well proportioned, the nose fit well in your face

And you have really good eyes :
- They are blue
- the upper lid is straight, give masculine output
- lower lid cover most of the white of the eyes
overall they are a mixt of feminin and masculine feature, they look really good and sharp

imo, you don't have a smiling face, more a smirking face.

About your escort thing, i would said go for it ... I believe fear never go away, either you put yourself in a situation where what your fear will never happen or you learn to be more brave. The frustration and the fear of the reaction of being a virgin at a late age (+20) is a real cancer, it block you from wanting sex, being sexual and talking to girls.

 

[Gabi]

On the legal part, just go online on an escort site or just do a trip into an other country
Your friends is right, you should not get yourself involve into this kind of thing until you are mentally and emotionnaly ready for it.

As i said, your eyes have feminine and masculine feature, in a way that you could smile with your eyes, with little to no smile from the mouth (like a smirk, or nothing)
This would make you keep your natural stoic and masculine face , but at the same time make you interresting and welcoming
Eva green do it perfectly

 

[l0vebone]

Dude dont get an escort. I couldnt imagine anything that would kill my confidence more than actualizing that I have to pay for pussy.

Go find yourself a nice 4-5/10 and make her your slampig. 99% of people who make posts like you generally have standards that are sitting on an airplane

 

[l0vebone]

^ look man, I just read your entire log.

Normally I would never recommend coaching for someone (except in very small situations where you just cant figure it out yourself, but youre close to getting it right) because that's just my personality, but you are a HARD case.

Your entire mindset has to be completely reshaped. You will essentially have to be brainwashed and told what to do every single step of the way.

Take the coaching man. I dont know much about Andys facebook group, but you need 1on1, this cant be a group thing. You need someone that will literally tell you what your next emotion, what your next thought, etc, should be.

 

[l0vebone]

Youre not an ugly dude, youre good looking enough to get laid.

Theres nothing wrong with coaching man. When I dont know what to do in muay thai, I go to my teacher because hes been there before, even though I have 7+ years of experience.

You seem like a really good guy man and I wish you the best, and I hope you get this area of your life under control.

 

[l0vebone]

just looked at that video dude, yeah youre not a bad looking guy even though you cant see your face clearly. i have no clue why you arent banging one of those girls in your group