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notAndy's AA Program Log - Day 46. Finished :)

notAndy

notAndy

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2022
After seeing Andy's interview with Manganiello about the AA Program, I realized that I had to do it myself or I would remember for the rest of my life that I didn't.
After pussying out for weeks (maybe months) I finally got so fed up with my excuses and decided that the next day, I would do the first drill.

I skipped the first three days because that would have just given me more time to overthink and instead of jumping in there and facing my nervousness.

Every day I have made a physical, written diary entry and a vlog about my experiences.
Besides working out and my 365 project, going through the AA Program is the only thing I am focusing right now.

Note: For the first days (4-8 I think) in my logs, I was talking about day 1, 2, 3 etc. when I was actually talking about DRILL 1, 2, 3.
 
Day 4

5x ask for the time, leave.

Did the drill during my lunch break. I was walking around for a while, making every excuse in the world, why I can't talk to every girl I saw.

To my surprise, it took me only about ten minutes and five to seven women I passed before I got fed up and forced myself to talk to the next woman I would see.

- And I followed through. Not as scary as I thought it would be.
- The second approach was much easier. Not much to note about that one.
- The third one were two women who were startled because they didn't see me coming. For some reason that made me much calmer.
- Fourth one was right near a clock tower which was more difficult than the second and third one but still did it.
- The last approach was interesting, because she said "Is this something people still do, asking for the time when everyone has a smartphone?" I felt like she saw right through me, just stood there and said "yeah" and laughed awkwardly. She gave me the time anyways (was really friendly actually) and I finished the drill.

The drill was not as scary as I thought. Surprised myself by not wandering around for hours, only about ten minutes and got pretty excited about the whole thing. So much so that I asked some more strangers for the time just because I was feeling good about it.

https://youtu.be/VjSOPSu0qT8
 
Day 5

5x ask for the time, leave.
5x ask for the time, leave. Do it faster.

The firs set was pretty easy. I did the first three approaches without much hesitation. The only thing I noticed there was that I have a harder time stopping girls when I am coming up from behind.
Then I got into a more crowded area and things became more difficult. I pushed myself to do the next two approaches anyways and finished the first set in just over nine minutes.

After a short break I did my second set.
Asking the first girl was not a problem. Then I saw my next opportunity and wanted to walk towards her when I noticed someone walking behind me. This made me self-conscious about being seen by other people and it affected my whole set.
I finished in about eight minutes, which means technically I did the drill. However, I wasn't really happy with my performance and decided to do another set.

This time, however, I decided to add some more tension and do it slightly differently. Instead of asking for the time, I would shove my phone into people's faces and ask them to read me the time.

The first girl I talked to definitely made me more nervous, but after her I knocked the approaches out quite quickly. Finished in four minutes.

https://youtu.be/jYPhF0Aqh2g
 
Day 6

5x
ask for time, leave.
ask for time, directions, leave.
ask for time, directions, "have you been there", leave.


First two approaches went well, third one threw me off because the two women I talked to didn't give me the time and I didn't think I could ask for directions after that (only realized later that I could have tried; didn't count the rep).

I wasn't giving the exercise my all. Often I asked for directions to restaurants and after asking "have you been there" I felt weird just leaving and followed up with "can you recommend it?"

For the two last approaches of the drill I started to push myself more.
First I came up to two girls walking in front of me. Approaching from behind was something I noticed to be more difficult, so I tackled my fear more openly.
In the last rep I asked the girl for directions to the train station. Following up with "have you been there" seemed very nonsensical (and uncomfortable) in my mind but I did it anyways.

I'm glad I pushed myself towards the end. Nonetheless, I might do the drill again unless Day 7 will be similar to today.

https://youtu.be/pD10OmIkGSA
 
Day 7

5x
ask for time, leave.
ask for time, directions, leave.
ask for time, directions, "have you been there", leave.

"Get in there", don't let the first girl slip away

First girl I saw was over 100m apart from me and walking swiftly away. I did pick up the pace and tried to get to her when I saw another girl walk out of a building. I decided to ask her for the time instead.
Technically, I didn't follow the drill to a tee but it was not out of hesitation or anxiety and rather for logistical reasons.
I still count it.

Today I made sure to not ask another question after "have you been there" and just leave.

At one point I asked for the time right next to a clock. When she pointed at it I overcame my instinct to just say "ah, thanks" and asked: "Well? What does it say?"

I am really satisfied with my performance today. I pushed myself a bit, tried to improve the things I realized yesterday and didn't let too many girls pass by.

https://youtu.be/c2xeuFJr2MA
 
Day 8

5x
ask for time, leave.
ask for time, directions, leave.
ask for time, directions, "have you been there", leave.
ask for time, directions, "have you been there", "did you like it", leave.

Today I started to have some fun with the drill. I intentionally asked for directions to places where it would not make much sense to ask "did you like it" (train station and post office).
Halfway through the drill, I decided to walk in the opposite direction of where people pointed at.
I noticed that after leaving an interaction, I feel the urge to act in a way that a normal person would do.

But I'm not here to become normal.

For the very last rep I asked two women at a cafe for directions to a restaurant. They said they weren't from around. I still asked if they have been there, which they denied. When I then asked the last question, "did you like it" they didn't even answer anymore and looked at me like the weirdo I was being.

I felt quite uncomfortable and got out of there asap, but I'm damn glad that I forced myself to do that.

https://youtu.be/U9kTpWu0wyY
 
Day 9

5x
ask for the time, leave.
ask for the time, "have you been to [restaurant]", leave.
ask for the time, "have you been to [restaurant]", "did you like it", leave.

Ask "did you like it" even when the answered with no before.

Today was not a good day. I felt off the entire day. While I did ask the very first woman I saw for the time, every approach felt like a chore.
#7 didn't give me the time which didn't help with my overall emotional state.

When I approached someone to ask for the time and directions (#11 out of 15) she first reluctantly gave me the time (she really didn't appreciate me being there, her face spoke volumes.)
Then I asked the second question and she got really pissed. "No! What's with these questions, get away from me!"
I pretty much ran away and felt even more uneasy.
Now, even thinking about doing another approach made me nervous.

Still, I somehow managed to do two more reps but couldn't bring myself to finish the drill during my lunch break.

Thought the afternoon I convinced myself to the last set plus five extra approaches with all three questions just to process the day.
After work I walked around for over an hour but I managed to do what I set out to do.

Emotionally speaking, today was awful but I know that me persevering through this and even doing extra work is a good thing, even though it doesn't feel like that in the moment.

https://youtu.be/H_--afllp_I
 
Day 10


5x
ask for the time, leave.
ask for the time, directions to movie theatre, leave.
ask for the time, directions to movie theatre, "have you seen any good movies lately", leave.


The drill went much better than yesterday's but I did hesitate and second-guess myself more than earlier this week. I guess I was still digesting day 9. The place I did my drill was packed with people which didn't make it any easier.

One noteworthy approach was when I saw a girl sitting on a bench on the other side of the street. First I wanted to cross the street and talk to her but then I got way too much in my head and talked myself out of it. I already decided not to go over but then did it anyways.

I did the remaining three approaches in less than five minutes.

Things often seem scarier when I let my thoughts run wild.

https://youtu.be/eucc1ii9rq4
 
Day 11

4x
ask for time, leave.
ask for time, "directions to shop that sells cell phones", leave.
ask for time, "directions to shop that sells cell phones", "what phone do you have", leave.
ask for time, "directions to shop that sells cell phones", "what phone do you have", "do you like it", leave.

Today went exceptionally smooth. In every interaction I felt much more grounded and less weird about asking a stranger random questions.
There was one girl who almost started running away she answered my second question and I let her go (I should have asked all four). I could have tried to ignore my reflex to "be polite" and ask the third question but other than that I'm pretty satisfied how today went.

This is either getting easier or I am getting better at it.

https://youtu.be/R8n-DkCwq6Y
 
Day 12

4x
ask for time, leave.
ask for time, "do you know a shopt that sells candles", leave.
ask for time, "do you know a shopt that sells candles", "I'm planning a candle-lit dinner for my girlfriend", leave.
ask for time, "do you know a shopt that sells candles", "I'm planning a candle-lit dinner for my girlfriend", "I'm the sweetest guy ever", leave.

Today's drill went pretty well. I feel my overall hesitation to talk to strangers is becoming less of a hurdle to overcome.

People, in general are so fucking friendly it gets annoying at times. There was this one girl who thought long and hard about how to describe the way to a shop that sells candles before she decided to walk me there.
I didn't want to be rude and pull out of the interaction, so I walked half a minute with her.
On one hand I definitely felt uncomfortoable about being rude but on the other hand I really appreciated how much effort someone was willing to put into helping a stranger that I didn't want to punish that by "misbehaving".
I am not sure what to do with this feeling, but I don't think I would want to act differently if I was in the same situation again.

https://youtu.be/1_wj_SFic5Y
 
Day 13

4x
ask for the time, leave.
ask for the time, "do you know where I can get a bottle of good wine", leave.
ask for the time, "do you know where I can get a bottle of good wine", "I have gotten a promotion at work", leave.
ask for the time, "do you know where I can get a bottle of good wine", "I have gotten a promotion at work", "can you recommend something", leave.

When I went outside I didn't see a single woman for minutes (except one who was way too far away and got onto a bus).
After a while I spotted an old couple on a walk and decided to do my first rep. I got up to them and the guy just walked past me while I asked his wife if she could tell me the time.
She looked at her watch, told me what time it was, I thanked her and walked away.
As I was about 10 meters away, I hear her husband shout something back at me. I turn around and said "excuse me?" because I couldn't fully understand what he said (I think it was "why did you come so close?").
He didn't repeat his sentence, gave me a dismissive hand gesture and yelled "asshole!"

The interesting thing is that I did not have any negative emotional reaction whatsoever. There was no offense or anger boiling up inside of me. Instead I felt pity for him that he had to live in constant fear of even the most basic human interactions. How is this a life worth living; especially at his age, where he doesn't have that much life left?
And just to make this clear, I didn't even get close. I'm pretty sure I stood more than the recommended 1.5m away from them.

Undeterred I went on and finished my drill in about 40min. There weren't many people out, despite the beautiful weather, otherwise I would have probably finished in half the time.

Doing the drill was quite easy. I felt calmer and more grounded while asking the questions and I feel I was more present in the moment and not as much in my head as I was at the beginning of the program.


EXTRA WORK

Because my drill went so well and I was in a really good mental state, I felt ballsy and tried something that I've been meaning to do for a looong time (got the idea way before knowing about the AA Program).
I saw a girl and decided to ask her, with a huge smile on my face, the following
"Hey, random question, but can I get a kiss?"

She either didn't understand what I said (language barrier) or was really confused/offended/taken aback, but she definitely looked weirded out.
I repeated my question two or three times and noticed becoming more nervous as she repeatedly said "what?" before I said "goodbye" and walked away.
I'm so fucking happy that I did dare to do that, though.
While I didn't get what I actually wanted (one simple rejection, please) it still feels good to know I pushed myself.

Also I went to a park and decidede to take off my shirt and enjoy the sun. This is something I am quite self-conscious of (there was barely anyone around), despite being pretty happy with my physique.

https://youtu.be/IJBSAMTD4xg
 
Day 14

2x get high-fives from 10 women.

I'm not gonna lie. When I read that day 14 would be very different from the previous drills I got really uneasy just thinking about it.
Today was the day and I had to pretty much force myself to leave the building. Once outside, I didn't try to get a high-five from anyone until I saw a girl walking towards me, while nobody was around.
I just held my hand up and said "can I get a high-five?"
She gave me a cursory glance and walked past me, ignoring me completely.

I tried this approach with another three or four women without any success. Unlike other drills this was the first one where I got several rejections from the get-go.

I decided to change my tactic. Instead of just walking past them and ask for a high-five, I stopped a group of girls and said I was collecting high-fives and asked if they would be willing to give me one.

Two of them started giggling and said sure and gave me my first two high-fives. This raised my spirits and I went on and got the first ten high-fives (two were actually elbow bumps, but I'll count those anyways) in about 25mins.

The second 10 I did in 15mins or so. I got several nos but the yeses were so much more enthusiastic and people loved what I was doing. One lady even said, "I'm not collecting anything, but you're doing a good thing." She didn't give me a high-five but whatever, the nos didn't even bother me anymore once I got rolling.

The last two reps I did were with two women who were sitting on a bench. I explained what I was doing, they gave me high-fives and one of them gifted me a multi-ride bus pass because "you are so friendly!"

Great drill, it took me some time and state pumping to muster up enough courage to actually get started but once I had one positive reaction I started to fucking love it.

I'll redo the drill simply because it was so much fun and it's not gonna hurt.

https://youtu.be/gfsQvtJP-QY
 
Day 14.2

2x get high-fives from 10 women.

I took a break from the AA Program yesterday because I was pressed for time and decided that after going 11 days straight, that's okay.
I did notice some extra resistance before starting the drill today, but once I was out the office building and got my first high-five (from the first girl I saw within reasonable distance), I got rolling.

There weren't as many people outside due to rain, which made the whole thing last way longer than needed. It took me about 30min to get 10 high-fives when I took most opportunities I saw without much hesitation.
I think I got way more nos than yeses compared to last time. Maybe that was also weather related who knows, I definitely faced more rejection this time around.
But that was actually a good thing. Whatever apprehensions still had about getting a no is definitely gone now.
I decided against doing the second set because I had to get back to work and the next drills will be more high-fives. I feel pretty confident that I don't need more preparation.

Also I surprised myself by how easily I would approach groups of girls (two or more).
Before starting the AA Program the thought of approaching a single girl was scary enough, let alone a whole group. For some reason, sometimes it is even easier to talk to groups.
I don't want to theorize why that is, but man was that a nice realization.


LESSONS LEARNED

- A no doesn't hurt. It barely registers anymore.
- Getting into my head makes approaching more difficult (often happens when I see a girl from too far away). Shifting my focus onto my body (physical sensations, breath, muscles contracting etc.) helps not letting my mind run wild (what will other people think, I'm weird for doing this, [insert your favorite excuse]).
- When stopping someone who's wearing headphones I'll often have to explain myself two or three times because I start talking right away and they haven't taken the headphones off. I should wait a second or two once I have their attention.

https://youtu.be/zyny6zTB-0A
 
Day 15

2x get high-fives from 10 women in less than half the time of day 14 (30min -> 15min).

On I go. Today's drill started out pretty good. I talked to the very first girl I saw and got my first high-five. Quickly after I got number two to four.
Then, for some reason I still haven't figured out, I kinda hit a mental roadblock and wandered around making excuses for not approaching.
At one point I realized what I was doing and managed to finish the first set in about 18min. I was not thrilled with my time. I had to do something different for my second set.

I found this place with a bunch of benches where several groups of girls were having lunch.
So, instead of walking around looking for women who were walking towards me, the plan was to go from one group to the next, asking them all for high-fives.
This definitely put some extra pressure on me. I believed I would draw attention from other people if I walked from bench to bench, asking every girl for a high-five. Being seen doing this is still not something I am 100% comfortable with.
It took some talking myself into it but I eventually did it.
I got 8 high-fives in about one minute. The remaining two I had to find somewhere else. I finished the set in 5:07.

I'd say I killed it.


NOTABLE INTERACTIONS

- Several girls asked me why I was doing this. Unlike on day 14 where I just said "why not", I decided to trade a high-five for an explanation. I was completely honest with them and said I wanted to learn to come out of my shell and become less shy. Everyone thought that was pretty cool.
- One girl was giving me a weird look when I asked for a high-five. I thought she was about to say no. Instead she asked: "did you wash your hands?"
I sure did and another rep was in the bag. I expected that question to come up sooner or later as when I did the drill for the first time.


LESSONS LEARNED

- I don't always read people correctly (did-you-wash-your-hands-girl)
- There are some underlying emotions that can pop up at any time and sabotage me. Just because I did a drill once doesn't guarantee the next time I do, it will go better. Progress is not steady improvement.

https://youtu.be/bylcywV6efk
 
Day 16a

2x get high-fives from 10 women who are stationary
Challenge: High-five an 11th girl who is smoking

Today was rough.

First, I realized that on days 14 and 15 I was supposed to get high-five from girls walking by. As mentioned in my log of day 14, I was already stopping people to do the drill. I didn't get any high-fives while moving.
So I decided to do only walking high-fives today (because that made me much more uncomfortable than stopping).

I deliberately walked slower than usual and tried to make eye-contact with people before holding my hand up and say "high-five."
Many people didn't even notice me, either because they didn't hear what I said or they had their hood pulled down/were under an umbrella making it impossible to make eye-contact.
It kinda got to me that I was performing so much worse than the days before.

I finally got my first high-five after about ten minutes. There was this really plain girl walking towards me, when I held my hand up and said "give me a high-five" she stopped (and so did I), pulled her earbuds out and asked what I wanted. I repeated myself and she gave me a high-five. However, I'm not sure that was even a girl since their looks were so androgynous in every way.
Didn't count the approach since they stopped and I still don't know if they were actually a girl or not.

Soon I saw a group of two girls and a guy walking towards me. I felt already pretty bummed out by my lack of success but decided give it another shot and - lo and behold - one of the girls gave me a high-five, walking, no questions asked. Yay success!

That was it for the day. I wandered around trying to get a few more reps but no-one wanted to high-five.

Today is the first day I didn't manage to finish the drill in one go. I am disappointed, however I understand that having bad days is part of the deal. I'll see what tomorrow brings.


LESSONS LEARNED

- I thought I could not get a single walking high-five. I've been proven wrong.
- Doing a (v)log helps tremendously with accountability. If not for my vlog, I probably would have skipped today's drill. Instead I'll give it another go tomorrow.

https://youtu.be/0K3ZmdkAceM
 
Day 16b

Asking for high-fives was difficult today. For about twenty minutes I was walking around and asked for high-fives, although not many. For most women I initially wanted to approach I came up with an excuse why I couldn't. After a few unsuccessful attempts I wanted to quit the drill. I asked myself, why I am not getting any high-fives today and all the usual excuses came up.
It is too cold and people are closed-off.
People have both their hands occupied with umbrellas + whatever else.
High-fiving strangers is not "culturally appropriate" (wtf does that even mean?).

At one point I realized I was only making excuses. So I dug a little deeper. What feeling was I trying to cover up?
After some soul-searching I concluded that the real reason I didn't want to continue was the fact that I felt stupid.
I felt stupid doing the same thing and not getting the response I want.
I felt stupid sayng the same phrase over and over again without success.
I didn't want to look stupid to other people.

I accepted that was the reason why I made all those excuses.
Once I've reach that understanding, approaching got a lot easier. Still not as easy or fun as it was on day 14 and 15 but better than earlier and the day before.
I got two high-fives and one of them was so fucking enthusiastic she actually hurt my hand.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Although I barely progressed on the drill itself, I feel today I've uncovered some important emotional baggage that was holding me back. Emotionally I've made quite some progress.

https://youtu.be/RTvwYAq8x_Q
 
Day 16c

Last night I started re-reading "Letting Go" by David Hawkins. The first time I read it I didn't even finish the book and felt it wasn't really helpful.
I'm only 20 or so pages in but this time I felt there is something I must have missed on my first read.

I decided to incorporate letting go into the drill:
- Letting go of the want to not look stupid.
- Letting go of doing/saying the same thing over and over again with
- Letting go of the concerns or excuses that would come up before an approach.
- Letting go of needing to get a certain result.

The difference was night and day. Withing about ten minutes I got five high-fives. My body language was way more inviting, I had a huge smile on my face, people were so much more receptive and I felt the fun coming back.
This change is quite incredible. The streets were pretty much deserted due to the cold and shops being closed on Sundays but I still outperformed myself compared to the last two days.


LESSONS LEARNED

- There's a reason why Andy and others recommend Letting Go. It fucking works.


Also, first vlog I did in a single take :)

https://youtu.be/93N8jjl9P-o
 
Day 16d

I did it! I finished my drill. I got ten high-fives during my lunch break (got two more yesterday after updating my log), including two from women who were smoking and one who was eating.
Today I had to do a ton of approaches (which was pretty easy) to get the high-fives, but I didn't care that it took me 40 minutes, I'm finally done. Fuck, that was a lot of (inner) work.

But I've learned a lot about myself and am super satisfied with the fact that I didn't go the easy route and just skipped the drill or even abandoned the entire program.
When I started the AA Program I wasn't sure how serious I really was about doing it but now I'm pretty confident that I will finish the program.

Despite having asked numerous girls for high-fives, none of the interactions today struck me as remarkable.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Getting over a hump is so much more satisfying than giving up. The self-respect you gain for not quitting when things become hard is worth every second you battle your demons.


https://youtu.be/GzGSrxzfrwY
 
Day 17a

3x
sing ABCDEFG to a girl, leave.
sing ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP to a girl, leave.
sing ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRSTUV to a girl, leave.
sing ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRSTUV WXY&Z to a girl, leave.

Challenge: Sing the ABCs over and over until the girl leaves.


This drill is hard.
I struggled with day 16 quite a bit but this is a whole different level. While doing high-fives was kind of random, it was fun and I felt those people that gave me one had their otherwise grey and monotone day brightened. Singing the ABC just felt so excruciatingly awkward and weird. I don't remember the last time I experienced something that made me feel like that.

I only did four approaches.

- The first one was actually the very first girl I saw. She was walking towards me and I just slowed down, said "hey" to get her attention and started singing. I was done before she passed me but she just pretended I wasn't there.
- The second one gave me just an annoyed look and walked away.
- The third one was a girl who was standing around, looking at her phone. When I said "hey" she didn't even notice me. I started singing anyways and halfway through she turns to me, gets startled and walks away.
- The fourth one was an older woman (late 40s/early 50s). She was window shopping and when I started singing to her, she asked "what is this?" She didn't seem confused or bothered or anything, rather just cuirious. I just kept singing and she turned away but didn't leave, so I did once I was finished.

After that last rep I was done. I couldn't bring myself to do another approach, I felt so uncomfortable.

I had to check the day 17 vlogs of KillYourInnerLoser, Manganiello and Toast.
They all echoed the sentiment that this drill was the hardest so far - I'm glad to know it's not just me. That also means I can push through and do this.

Tomorrow I'll redo the whole drill because I need the exposure.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Just because I feel uncomfortable doesn't mean that anything bad will happen.

https://youtu.be/4zt-vN7v76c
 
Day 17b

35 minutes. That's all it took to sing the ABC 12 times (13 actually). I'm so glad I pushed myself today to do the whole drill.
Initially it wasn't easy. I vividly remembered my first attempt and how uncomfortable that made me feel.
However, unlike on Tuesday, today the drill got easier the longer I did it. By #6 I could really feel myself gaining social momentum and I actually started to relax into the situation.

I also got some great reactions. Girl #4 was smiling through the entire thing and when I got to Y I pointed at her and she said Z. I think my body language shifted and that's what made people more at ease. One woman was almost bursting out laughing while another one gave me a look of sympathy, almost as if she knew how uncomfortable that was for me.
I even did one approach with other people around. As I was done, I saw this guy stare at me confused and I just held eye contact and smiled until he looked away.

The best thing about today's drill is this feeling of inner lightness once I finished. It was as if a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders and I simply cared less about other people's opinion. I even recorded my vlog with other people around and was not one bit uncomfortable doing that. This is not something I could have done two weeks ago.

Also, I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who came before me and posted their experience. You guys gave me the determination to finish today's drill.


LESSONS LEARNED

- My body-language/how I feel about a situation seems to affect how people feel around me.
- Just because things get difficult doesn't mean I can't do it.
- Big challenges lead to bigger growth.

https://youtu.be/joi-Pb-pAOg
 
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