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notAndy's AA Program Log - Day 46. Finished :)

good job mate your fucking doing it, keep going and dont give up
most people quit
 
Day 18

5x
Time, Leave
Time, Random Question - Do you like my shirt?, Leave
Time, Random Question - Do you like my shirt?, I just got it and I can't decide, Leave
Time, Random Question - Do you like my shirt?, I just got it and I can't decide, I'm going to wear it and keep the tag on so I can return it, Leave

Today was pretty easy, especially compared to days 16 and 17. I got my 20 approaches without much of a problem. I did sometimes get too much into my head before doing an approach (and as a consequence more often than not, I didn't approach) but all things considered, I'm pretty satisfied with myself.
I realized how much more relaxed I was today compared to the first days of the program. Having a short conversation with a stranger felt almost natural and asking for the time definitely no longer causes me any anxiety.

The only noteworthy interaction I had was with a girl (20th approach) who I recognized.
While I was asking for the time I realized she's a friend of my sister and for some reason that made me not want to finish the drill with her.
I think I didn't want her to tell my sister what I was doing. It's one thing to be seen by strangers doing something unusual, but family makes it more difficult (especially if they are highly judgemental).


LESSONS LEARNED

- I have changed a lot since I started the program.
- Keeping a log has been essential in being able to evaluate my progress.

https://youtu.be/aq_TI08En44
 
Day 19a

4x
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Leave
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, Leave
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, I'm getting the Justin Bieber haircut, Leave
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, I'm getting the Justin Bieber haircut, What's your favorite hairstyle for guys?, Leave

Challenge: Hi, How's it HANGIN'? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, I'm getting the Justin Bieber haircut, What's your favorite hairstyle for guys?, Leave

When reading the drill, I thought it would be pretty easy. It's just a variation of one of the earlier days (question, question, statement, question.)
But man was I wrong.

First of all, asking a stranger just "hey, how's it going" seems like such a simple thing until you have to do it.
I felt some serious resistance and had to push myself every time.
Secondly, saying that I want to get the Justin Bieber haircut when my hair is no longer than 7mm is kinda ridiculous.

Approach number four was extra weird.
I stopped two women, said "hey, how's it going" to which they didn't even reply (no did except for lady #2). They just stood there and stared at me in silence.
After a few seconds, I asked where I could find a hair salon which they answered.
Now, for some reason, I got really nervous about saying that I wanted to get the Bieber-cut and on the spot decided to say something that - at least in my mind - seemed more reasonable.

I said, "I want to get extensions."

Yeah ... in hindsight I don't know why I thought that would be any less weird than Bieber-cut.
I did follow up with "what's your favorite hairstyle for a guy" but they didn't answer that. Instead they burst out laughing and one of them turned to the other and said "well, that was a cheap attempt" (at what?) and walked off.

I did two more approaches but, things only got harder. I'll redo the drill on Monday.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Didn't think after the ABCs a relatively "normal" interaction would be so difficult.

https://youtu.be/R_Cg6awnNhM
 
Day 19b

Finished the Bieber-haircut drill.

The drill was definitely easier than last time, but the awkwardness of asking a stranger "how's it going" and not receiving any answer (except from two people) never went fully away.

Also, I got the impression people knew I was messing with them when I said I wanted to get the Bieber-cut. I definitely got weird looks and one or two comments.
Last girl was actually cool. She was super cute, was one of the two who replied to my first question and had this grin on her face that said "I know what you're doing but I'll play along."


LESSONS LEARNED
- Doing a "test run" first can make a drill easier the next day.

https://youtu.be/dK72W3Kyv34
 
Day 20a

Time, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, I mean the mens room, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, I mean the mens room, I hope it's clean, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, I mean the mens room, I hope it's clean, The mens room is usually gross, Thanks, Leave
* Challenge: Instead of saying restroom- say "bathroom" (it's slightly less appropriate)

Had a bad day. Not because of the drill but because of life in general.
Didn't get enough sleep, haven't eaten all day long, sore shoulder from yesterday's workout, yadda yadda yadda.

Still did the drill. Well, four approaches (technically five, but botched the last one). The drill itself is easy but I really didn't want to speak to anyone today and called it quits early.
Decided to look for something positive. I have done something difficult for almost a month now, without any external pressure. I pushed myself several times when I could have given up without anyone noticing. I don't feel everyday like I've changed but four weeks ago I couldn't have sung the ABC to strangers or asked for high-fives. I couldn't have approached a group of girls and ask them if they like my jacket. I did all those things.

I still have a long way to go but I deserve to pat myself on the back. Today wasn't a good day. Tomorrow will be better.
Enough self-congratulatory drivel.

Watched an interesting video from Dr. K on exposure therapy and social anxiety. Found it fitting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FZ2AGo6Kec

https://youtu.be/P11G2Z5YumU
 
Day 20b

The drill was easy, I did the 20 approaches in about 25 minutes. People were helpful and friendly, nothing too memorable happened.

With one exception. After asking for directions to a restroom, woman #2 asked "do you have a date?"
I was taken aback by the specificity of her question and just said yes. She then walked me to a restroom (thanks mom) and I asked her why she thought I had a date to which she replied "you are nervous."

The weird thing is, I was nervous but did not notice until she pointed it out.
Throughout the drill I tried to sense what I was feeling and noticed that towards the end I relaxed more/got less nervous.

It was pretty cool to get some feedback on how other people perceive me.

Also, I started stopping people by standing right in front of them instead of hoping they would stop if I ask from the side and got more comfortable doing that throughout the drill (didn't do it at every stop but progress is progress :)).


LESSONS LEARNED
- Just because I may not be aware of my emotional state, doesn't mean others aren't either.


https://youtu.be/6lLj-kW5iuE
 
Day 21a

Walk past 10 girls and squeeze their arm lightly, enough so they notice it.

Challenge: Go to another place and do the drill again


I really didin't want to do this drill. All day long I could think about nothing else and I was looking for excuses to not do it tonight.

And yet, I went to a concert and did it. I was quite early at the venue and the place was still pretty empty. First I just stood around awkwardly; got a drink just to have something to hold on to.
I saw a few women around the bar I wanted to do the first squeeze but I chickened out on every single one of them. Instead I went to the (still quite empty) dancefloor and started dancing. Not something I'm comfortable with. But that was still easier than doing the drill.
As time went on the place started to fill up and more and more people were dancing. It took another half hour or so before I could muster up the courage and do my first rep. I wasn't shaking or anything but still didn't fell super comfortable.

In the audio for day 21, Chris says that the first one is the hardest. I didn't feel that things got much easier after, though. I had to push myself for every single rep.
In the end I did more than 10. Probably around 15 squeezes, but some of them were half-assed. Some women moved out of the way before I could properly touch their arm which made me think that they found me creepy when they probably just wanted to let me pass.

Before recording my vlog and writing this entry, I watched KillYourInnerLoser's vlog.
His first set of 10 was similar to mine, he didn't really seem happy or felt like he made progress. Then he tried again and it was a night and day difference. In his video he says that this was the best drill so far.

I haven't made that experience. And part of me doesn't want to redo the drill ... which is exactly why I need to do it.

While reflecting on tonight, I also had some insecurities creep up that I haven't noticed before: What if I haven't done the earlier drills properly? What if I just went through the motions and didn't create the growth that I need to move forward in the program? Can I actually do this? Brandon and Andy mentioned that day 21 is a turning point (if you get this far, you'll finish the program). Is this really true?

I can look back at some of the days that were difficult, like the singing the ABCs, and see in my vlog how light I felt and how excited I was about how far I've come, but right now it feels like there is this thing waiting around the corner that will make me fail.

Logically, I understand that thoughts like those are self-limiting beliefs, anxieties, fears, complacency and other inner demons that try to keep me in my place, but feeling them come up is still kind of demoralizing.

I guess the only way to get past those feelings is moving forward. But first, I'll redo tonight's drill.


LESSONS LEARNED
- Just typing out the doubts I have, robs them somewhat of their strength. Interesting.


Today was really ramble-y, but I had to sort out my thoughts and feelings here.


https://youtu.be/YHTmYBNxTeo
 
Day 21b

I so, so, so didn't want to redo the drill. I could distract myself today with work (last night I was invited for dinner) but once I was done with that I was looking for any excuses I could find to not do it or "do it tomorrow" or some other nonsense. There was even this voice in my head telling me that I'm the AA Program is not for me, I am not the type of guy who could finish it and I should just call it quits.

I won't lie. That sounded pretty sweet in the moment. I could just disappear and no one would know that I failed. That's not quite true, I would know and I would remember for the rest of my life that I did not have what it took to go forward.

In the end I stopped trying to find reasons for or against doing the drill - all I was really doing was procrastinating, anyways.
I got up, put on my jacket, walked outside and went to the same place I did the drill on Thursday.

There was a concert at the club and the place was packed.

It didn't take me as long to warm up as it did the last time. After maybe 15mins I did my first two reps, then after another 5mins the next two.
Unlike day 21a, today was definitely easier and the more squeezes I did the easier it got. At one point I even stopped counting and just moved around as if I owned the place. Good feeling.

I also had a blast at the concert, could really let myself go and danced my hearts desire (all sober btw).
The best thing, however, happened at the very end.

I saw this chick taking selfies with her friend. On the spur of the moment, I decided to photobomb them and dove into their picture. She loved it and gave me the thumbs-up. After that I noticed her glancing over to me several times and her eyes lingered longer than I am used to. I didn't really engage with her other than occasionally looking back.

Suddenly, this idea popped up. It was kinda scary and a part of me tried to talk myself out of it.
I didn't listen to that part though.

When the band was done playing, I went up to her, interrupted her and her friend and told her "give me a kiss or a slap" while pointing at my cheek.

She shook her head, I smiled, and she slapped me! Huge success :D

Tonight was awesome! I am so fucking excited that I bit the bullet and didn't listen to those voices that tried to sabotage my progress.


LESSONS LEARNED
- I am the king of the world!
- Sometimes you get what you want, all you have to do is ask.

https://youtu.be/C6vxhi67LqA
 
So what exactly is the pragmatic application of saying "kiss me or slap me"? Because I'll be straight up with you: that's weird, and the women in the venue notice these kinds of things. Either one of these outcomes happening will more than likely work against you in the venue overall. Is this part of the exercise, or did you set this up as a way to start an interaction?
 
It seems to me that the slap resulted from a fully-justified feeling of exuberance.

notAndy reached a big milestone, saw an example of the latent power of social freedom, wanted to test the range of that newly discovered power...and did.

Vice I do agree with you that as a repeated gimmick at a venue kiss-or-slap would have the definite, malodorous whiff of a PUA keyboard jockey testing material from the latest ebook. But as a one-off, it serves the same function as an elaborate endzone dance after a touch down.

Of course, as Andy says, it's all a big experiment. If for some reason this bit works wonders, use it until it stops working.
 
Wow, didn't expect this many replies. I really appreciate you guys reading this.

[quote author=bonzo34]glad it was an intentional slap[/quote]
Same. But even if it wasn't, it would have made for a good story and I haven't made enough of those in the past :)

[quote author=KillYourInnerLoser]
When someone gets past Day 21 of the AA program, I usually say it's guaranteed they'll finish it. Good job; you're over that hump.
Keep pushing.
[/quote]

You don't know how much that means. Thank you. I heard you say that in the interview with Brandon and really was scared of day 21 (you know, the usual "what if I'm different?"). It was also one of the reasons to redo the day, since I didn't feel like I was at that turning point after the first time I did this drill.

[quote author=Vice]So what exactly is the pragmatic application of saying "kiss me or slap me"? Because I'll be straight up with you: that's weird, and the women in the venue notice these kinds of things. Either one of these outcomes happening will more than likely work against you in the venue overall. Is this part of the exercise, or did you set this up as a way to start an interaction?[/quote]

I don't think there is a pragmatic application of saying that. It was also not part of the program or something I read anywhere else.

TheGreySwan put it beautifully. I was feeling like I was invincible. In that moment, I had my first real taste of social freedom.
The idea to ask for a slap or a kiss came spontaneously, shortly followed by a voice in my head saying "you can't do that".
That voice had to be quietened.
 
Day 22

Hey, Leave.
Hey, Do you know where I purchase suspenders?, Leave.
Hey, Do you know where I purchase suspenders?, My mom says I look good in suspenders, Leave.
Hey, Do you know where I purchase suspenders?, My mom says I look good in suspenders, Suspenders are good idea because I've lost so much weight my pants won't even stay up, Leave.

Challenge 5th Girl: Hey, Do you know where I purchase suspenders?, My mom says I look good in suspenders, Suspenders are good idea because I've lost so much weight my pants won't even stay up, You can see my asscrack, Leave.

Soooo, I've been slacking a little after day 21.

I decided to take two days off. I really enjoyed the break and had to tend to other matters that needed my focus, but getting back into it was harder.
Yesterday I started the drill and couldn't be bothered to finish it, even though it wasn't even difficult.

Today I realized I really have to focus and take this seriously again and - lo and behold - I could actually do what I set my mind to.

The drill was pretty easy. The only thing I initially struggled with was just steamrolling people with all the things I had to say, but I got over that quickly.
Also people are so fucking helpful, it gets annoying at times.

LESSONS LEARNED
- Treating this like an afterthought or similar does not do me any favors.


https://youtu.be/9hkh4kC7iZg
 
notAndy said:
[quote author=Vice]So what exactly is the pragmatic application of saying "kiss me or slap me"? Because I'll be straight up with you: that's weird, and the women in the venue notice these kinds of things. Either one of these outcomes happening will more than likely work against you in the venue overall. Is this part of the exercise, or did you set this up as a way to start an interaction?
Click to expand...

I don't think there is a pragmatic application of saying that. It was also not part of the program or something I read anywhere else.
[/quote]

Okay well, for your long term success I suggest that you try something else, because getting slapped at a venue is a sure fire way to get blown out of the entire venue, and carries zero benefits and is all downside. Women will see it and talk about it, and there isn’t much context in that occurring that makes you look good in any way.

Trust me when I say it’s much better to hear that from someone on a forum vs. learning it the hard way.
 
Day 23

Ask 10 girls, "Do you know how I can get to Sesame Street?"
Challenge: After you say that and she responds, the challenge is to say- "I'm not a rapist."
Repeat this 3 times, you will speak to 30 girls.

I'm not used to being weird or mess with people, at least not strangers. So there was some resistance I had to overcome intially. Halfway through the drill though, I started to relax, have some fun and became more assertive. In the end I even got some really good reactions. Having fun helps.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Today I really felt social moment build up over the course of the drill. Sometimes it just takes time.


https://youtu.be/3FGxubfMoeo
 
Day 24 a/b

2x
Ask 15 girls, "What do you want for your birthday?" three times or until they give an answer.

Challenge: "I'll give you a- whatever she said she wanted"


I started this drill on Saturday and due to bad time management from me, couldn't get more than 5 reps in that day.
Yesterday I wanted to finish the drill but there was virtually no one outside.
On Sundays shops are closed where I live and it was pouring which didn't invite anyone to spend the day in the open.

Today during my lunch break I did another 10 reps.
I was surprised by how many people actually took their time to contemplate their answer instead of just walking away or saying "I don't know" (didn't count that) or "nothing" (did count that).

One girl was genuinely curious why I asked her. I decided to be honest and felt quite vulnerable saying that I am not really good at speaking with strangers and women in particular and for the past 30 days or so, I've been doing this social disinhibitioning program to get out of my shell. Her reaction was awesome and she was so encouraging which felt really nice, not gonna lie.

I am not sure why, but I feel some kind of apprehension when talking about doing the AA program with people who are not into self-improvement.
That experience definitely reassured me that I'm on the right track.

LESSONS LEARNED
- There is virtually no AA left when it comes to asking simple questions, even weird ones.
- So many people don't want material things. Most answers I got were intangible things like free time or happiness.
- Being vulnerable can feel good (don't know how I would've felt if she had a bad reaction)


https://youtu.be/V1oCUEqtDR4
 
Day 24c

Finally finished the drill. It wasn't hard to do the actual exercises but for some reason it dragged out way longer than it should have.

Not many interesting interactions happened. One girl I stopped just gave me a rude "puh" and walked away. Felt actually pretty good to get an unexpected reaction like that and be completely unbothered by it.
Most answers were along the line of "I don't know", "nothing", "I just wanna meet my friends".

LESSONS LEARNED

- I'm pretty sure, a stranger being somewhat rude to me would have really bothered me a few weeks ago. Now it makes me more curious than flustered or so.

https://youtu.be/q_Q8_jUtxR4
 
Using your log to peak ahead even though I said I wouldn't. Doing "sesame st." tomorrow. Birthday one actually sounds kinda fun.
 
Day 25

Hey, What's for lunch?
No seriously, What's for lunch?
No for real, What's for lunch?
Hey, I really need to know, What's for lunch?

* Challenge: I am going to ask you a 5th and final time, What.is.for.lunch?

Repeat this 3 times, you will speak to 15 girls.


Today was not very noteworth. Most people didn't understand my question the first time I asked so I had to repeat myself
once or twice. I usually got an answer or they just walked away. One lady walked past me very slowly and just looked me
in the eyes without saying anything. Who's the weirdo now?

I didn't even get to attempt the challenge, since I got an answer before asking for the fifth time or they didn't stay for
long enough.


LESSONS LEARNED
- Not everyday has great insights, sometimes you just do the drill to do the drill.


https://youtu.be/c-zD9nopV1Q
 
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