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On the path to a better self

SpongeBob

SpongeBob

Member
Joined
Dec 7, 2021
I'm a bit nervous to start this log, not sure where to start. I'm not too good with that kind of exercises, especially online, I have the tendency to try to write only when feeling good. This time I'll try to post even when I feel like shit, so that you guys can push me and guide me.

I'm at a weird stage of my life. I broke up with my 1st ever girlfriend in February, and having the hardest of time to get over it. It's getting better though. But it was a blessing in disguise. During this relationship I saw how not having a fulfilling dating life during my teens and 20s fucked me up for a relationship. I want to fix this, as my ultimate is to have a great girlfriend. And to get a great girlfriend and keep her and be happy, you need to be a great man. My ex was a great woman, but I wasn't the great man I wish I'd been at that time. Anyway, story for another time.

I moved to the Netherlands for her, recently switched career as a developer, so I'm staying there to gain experience in my current company. The end goal is to be my own boss, and work as a freelance in approximately 5 years. I think I'll leave to other horizons at the end of next year, but I want this last year to be fulfilling. Making more friends, I want to finally be able to hit on girls, and be okay with the rejections.

I've taken action since October, when I picked up my shit together and decided that I needed to stop grieving my relationship and move forward. What I've done since then:

  • I've been hitting the gym consistently, 3 times a week, and I'm being pretty happy from the result. Went from 72kg to 78kg, so yeah I know it's mostly fat, but since I started so low (I'm 1m94), I know I can bulk more aggressively at the beginning. I personally start to like how I look in the mirror
  • I've started the AA program, got stuck at day 11 for a week for some reason, then decided "fuck it", and tried to do some real approaches. Got a number on the 1st one, did maybe 4 real approaches 3 weeks ago and since then I haven't been able to do even one. It's so fucking weird. But I still stay on the front line and go out every day with the objective to approach. Was really close to do it today
  • I've started to work on my style, got some nice t-shirts, jeans. I'll change my glasses in the coming weeks. I've already decided on the frame, it's a killer one, really love it and can't wait to have it on my face, really think it's going to be a game changer fashion wise
  • Since November I've totally cut down porn, and I start to see some benefits, I have more attraction for the "basic" girl
  • I've reduced my video game consumption

But in all honesty I also lack a nice circle of friends. People to do some activity with and hang out. Just got a couple of friends that I see from time to time. That's why one of my goal is actually to start organising some special meetups (which is hard with the fucking regulation here, but I'll find a way to do it anyway) to build real connexions. I'll talk about it in a future post. But should make my first attempt this sunday. I'll see how it goes.

Dating wise, for now I don't have much, I should be seeing a cute russian girl in the week end, that I met in a dance party (I do social dancing), we've been trying to organise something for 3 weeks now, but never managed to do it. But I think if this time doesn't happen, I'll just let it go.

I have to be honest, the last months have been filled with ups and down. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like I have the certitude that I won't reach my goals, like I'm unable to change and keep reverting to my "pathetic" self. But I'll keep doing my best. I've known the self improvement world for almost 7 years now, but now I'm motivated to really go through my own shit. I really think the fact that I turned 30 and feel like a looser is playing quite a big part in my subconscious. The feeling that I can't keep loosing time. I need to level up now!
 
YEEEEEEEEEE BUDDY!

GET THE FUCK AFTER IT WITH EVERY GOD DAMN THING YOU'VE GOT BROTHER

Go out on the front lives and give the enemy hell

No mercy, non-stop, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week

Victory is the only option. Nothing else.

You have a solid enough platform to be successful. Just put actions in place and attack. Take it dead ass serious as a heart attack. If you truly go hardcore to such that others pause to reflect on how much of a nutcase you are, this means you are on the path to legendary status. You can do this. I believe in you.

MAC
 
Thanks MAC, let's strive to live our best life yet :)

So yesterday went out as usual to approach. As stated before, I go out almost everyday, after work for roughly 1h to try to do some approaches. AA is hitting hard. Here in the Netherlands they've put a 5pm curfew, so the streets are not as animated as they should be, but there are still some opportunities. Yesterday there were actually a lot of cute girls that I would have liked to approach, but fuck I couldn't do it. Get filled with all theses thoughts and emotions, wondering why the hell I'm putting myself through this challenge. There's the fear that I do that a bit for nothing, that even if I get the skill to get women like this, nothing will change. But I'll see that when I get there, this is probably my anxiety talking, wanting me to stay comfortable. Except that being like that never got me anywhere, so I'll push through until I have my breakthrough.

I think yesterday I took one of the best decision I've ever made. I've deleted social medias apps from my phone. FB, insta and YT. I was so tired to get my soul sucked in by this shit. I'm trying to get something else sucked. Every time I'd scroll endlessly, I'd see useless stuffs that'd make me just anxious, or would remind me of my ex and so I said fuck it. I don't need this shit. It's only been on day without but fuck I feel the difference. Instead of looking for something just to pass time, I listen to some audio books or podcast. Usually, the first thing I do waking up is looking through YT or FB or insta, which is a pretty shitty way to start the day. This morning I couldn't and it felt so liberating.

Also I'm getting ghosted by the Russian girl, so I know I'm not going to see her. It's okay, I'll just spend my afternoon outside, trying my best to approach at least 1 woman.

Just installed Bumble to try to connect with some guys and make some friends, as per Andy's recommandation in his article. It feels a bit weird though. I'll see how that goes. Sunday I'll meet some guys to do some VR game, so it'll be a good moment to connect.

Went to do my eye test and everything for my new glasses, so that was the cool thing of the day.
 
This morning, the gym was hard. I can feel my sleep debt increasing and now it actually really hinders my performances. My sleep has been really fucked following my break up, where I developed and habit to wake up during the night and not being able to go to sleep for 2h, sometimes 3. I need to fix this, because it's not sustainable in the long run. Need to try some stuff from Andy's article.

But I'm happy with the gym progress nonetheless. Last week I think I wasn't that consistent with the calories intake, so I was afraid that I lost a bit of weight but no, still gained some grams. I'm at 78,4, can't wait to pass the 80kg threshold, it'll be a first! I'm also going to start deadlifting with 100kg, today I managed to to 1x10 reps of 90kg, so I think I can go to 100kg easy for the next time. Can't wait to pass this threshold as well. Never in my life have I been able to do this. At least I'm progressing somewhere.

Didn't meet with the Russian girl on saturday in the end, she indeed ghosted me. Ah well, instead I went to buy a couple of rings and a bracelet, it's a first for me to wear this, thought it'd feel weird but it's actually nice. Really gives an edgy look. Already know what to buy next month to keep working on the style side of things.

Also walked around the city, trying to approach but still nothing. I think I'll have to go back to ask time or anything because now it doesn't get me anywhere.

I'll repeat this again but getting rid of social medias on my phone has been the best thing I ever did. I really feel like I'm getting my mind back little by little. Can't scroll like an idiot when I'm sitting on my throne taking a dump, so I'm just thinking about stuff. Right now, one question keeps buzzing me, "What the fuck do I want to do with my life". I had the opportunity to have a nice relationship and to start a family with a very attractive and nice woman. But the more I think about it, the less I see myself with kids in the future, which was one of the reasons for breaking up with her. But then I'm left with the question, if I don't raise kids, what can I leave on this world ? How can I make my life meaningful ? How can I be of service to others ? How can my life impact even one person positively ? I don't have a fucking answer for those, but there's a part of me that anxiously thinks "I want the break up to mean something, that I bailed on her for a reason". Don't know if it's the right mindset to have. But yeah, what to I want from life ? It feels like this question has plagued me for most of my 20s, and now that I'm in my 30s, I still don't fucking know what the fuck I'm doing.

On a side note, just learn that Mark Manson is going to stop writing about self improvement. It was quite a shock for me, as he inspired my life so much. His philosophy, his books (except the last one that I found was trash) helped me so much. I wonder what he's going to work on next.

There was a cute girl Sunday during the VR afternoon, talked and had quite a bit of fun with her. I'll try to see her again. Need to start shooting more shot.

Also had this realisation that I was too fucking passive in my life. For example in my social life, I'm always waiting for people to organise events or for some invites and stuff. I decided to work on that and to be more active. To be the one that gathers people, propose some activities. To have a giving mindset instead of a taking one. So many things I want to work on within myself.

2022, I'll make Amsterdam my bitch, even with all the regulations. I'll have a killer year here before leaving. I want to be able to create something, even in a city that I didn't feel too much at the beginning. Don't want to give the excuse of the environment for my situation.
 
I think I kind of hate myself. I've been trying to push away this feeling but it keeps creeping back... It's been an emotional day today, and I couldn't avoid this anymore. I'm crying just by writing those words as it fucking hurts to face that truth.

I don't really know how to organise that post. It might be all over the place and I've been wondering if I should really post this shit here. But I decided to do it. So many people around here are vulnerable and it kind of give me the strength to share a bit of my own demons. I've been on this path of self improvement for so long now (I discovered that world approx 7 years ago), can't even say that I managed to improve my self esteem. Even though sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, but recently I feel like I'm going down to some dark places. And the regulations here in the Netherlands are not making things better.

Anywho, last week happened one of the weirdest shit while I was at the gym last Wednesday. I wanted to talk about is sooner, but I kept procrastinating it. I think I was ashamed by it. But I'm being such an asshole to myself when I'm the gym. My mind keeps telling myself how I'm weak both mentally and physically. And Wednesday, after struggling to do my weighted pull ups, I almost had an emotional breakdown, I had tears coming up and I managed to get them under control because I didn't want to lose it at the gym, with other people around. I attributed it partly to my lack of sleep, which can get on my nervous system, but the other part is just some kind of hate that I vow to myself.

And this morning, this part crept in once again. Saturday, the Dutch government announced a total lockdown, so everything is to be closed from now on, included the gym. Right now I feel that I can't miss a gym day, otherwise I'll feel really bad. So I took my gymnastic rings and went to train outside. Every fibre of my being were against it. Really had to force myself to go, and then it hit me. Water started flowing on my cheeks, a part of me felt so pathetic to be so obsessed with my physical improvement without being able to improve in other areas that feels more important (like approaching girls). Also yesterday I went to visit some friends that we have in common with my ex, and going to that neighbourhood brought some memories back, I think it played a role in the waterworks. I trained in tears, feeling hopeless and like a fucking looser. Telling myself I had to go through all this struggle just to have a regular love/sex life. Because in the end that's what I want, just to be love and validated like a "normal man" by women. Funny thing is, I'm the first to encourage and respect people that are on that path and that gives their all to improve themselves. But when it comes to me, I'm just reminding myself that the reason I'm going through all this is because I feel inferior to most of the people. There's a part of me that fears that I will never find someone like my ex again, that I fucked up by breaking up with her and I won't have anyone nice that'll love me ever again. While I know intellectually that this is bullshit, emotionally this is like a hardcore truth that I can't shake. I'm acting despite this creeping fear, but shit, some days it's really hard.

I plan to go to France, escape this fucking lockdown situation and go somewhere with lesser restrictions. At least have access to a gym. I have some friends and family over there. And I have a friend with whom I could cold approach with as well.

But yeah, I don't know where to go from there. I don't know how I can learn to love myself deeply. I remember a couple of months ago, I felt like I had it, I remember that I could talk to myself with love and care. But recently it's a shitstorm. I'm going to keep pushing, of course, I'll keep working on my body, as I can really see the improvement week after week, month after month. I'm so obsessed by it that I'm supposed to go to Spain for the holidays and I'm already looking how I can still train over there. I don't know if it's really healthy, as actually the little sense of self worth that I have is tied to my progress at the gym. I'll have to wait at least till next week to weigh myself. Hope to gain a few more grams till then.

On a positive note:

  • Friday for the 1st time, I deadlifted 100kg, 3x8. It's the 1st time that my body and 100kg are in the same sentence. It made me a bit proud amidst the self hatred. But to be honest it's also quite hard on my back, so I'm not sure that deadlift is a really good exercice for me. I'll have to be careful, don't want to fuck up my back because of my ego.
  • Also got my new glasses, so still improving my style.

  • Started to learn beat making. Music and dance have always been a big part of my life, I'd like to give a try to create something

Thank you if you took the time to read this.

Cheers
 
Thanks for sharing bro.

This is the pain that will raise in your body and mind now you have began to walk the path of growth.

Know you are describing what so many of us have been through.

I cannot tell you the times when I sobbed so hard it was as though my heart would break. I have been on this journey for 12 years bro, and I am still grinding like a fucking animal.

When deep pain emerges, it is the bodies response to processing change. It's a cleansing reaction. The psyche has its own immune system. In these times, when it feels like we are in the darkest dungeon ever, it is in fact the strength and light that we have inside us banishing the demons that live within us. YOU GAIN STRENGTH ONLY IN SETBACKS.

STRENGTH CANNOT GIVE RISE TO MORE STRENGTH

STRENGTH IS ONLY BORN FROM WEAKNESS

You need to understand one thing: you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. TRUST ME, TRUST ME.

I would not lie to you about this. What would be the point? I have been to the darkest and lonliest places the human mind can go, into the depths of Hell itself, looking the most evil straight in the eyes.

Know that one day, those tears of sadness will be tears of joy.

One day, you will know deep in your heart of hearts that victory has come. And the feeling will transcend everything you have ever known. In that moment, you will know that all the blood, sweat and tears you put into yourself to grow a as a person were worth it. The feeling will beyond anything that can be imagined in this world. It will be between you and God alone, and you will be the person who did the impossible: you will have outworked God's plan.

Today, when driving around Central London, past the Houses of Parliament, past Buckingham Palace, I just straight up broke down in tears in my car. I have no idea where it came from, but it overcame me and I wept with gritted teeth. I realised that when I was suffering from extreme anxiety for 4 years, unable to work, being supported by my parents while I stayed in their house too scared to live and too scared to die, 270lbs of total obesity, suffering from a range of anxiety disorders, phobias and health problems, one of my phobias was actually of driving. Somehow today I had a flash back from when I was in that Hell, where my mind tortured me 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and I remember how I said to myself, one day I will drive all over the UK, I will see all the sights that I am missing while I am now so sick and unwell, and I will go around Parliament and Buckingham Palace. Today, without even knowing, that happened. I actually did it. I have not had any driving phobias for years and have driven all the time with no issues, but today, the demon in my subconscious knew it had no power left over me. The guy who was once in such severe pain is dead and gone and buried, and at the bottom of all that shit, was me.

My tears today were of joy. I said out loud to the anxiety disorders that tormented me:

"You tortured me since the time I was a small child, when I was so vulnerable and had no way to help myself. You broke me into a million pieces and gave me no way to put myself back together again, you drove me to the absolute limits of my sanity and beat the absolute fuck out of me for no reason at all. But mother fucker, I got up again. You do not know who the fuck I am and the type of spirit I have. I really am a mother fucker who is absolutely unstoppable, and now I have undone what you did to me and took your fucking soul, I am going to take it all and win in this life"

No other human being in the world will ever know the journey I have been on and how far I have come. My tears of joy and the overwhelming pride I feel are the greatest and most heavenly of ecstasies. And I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I will take it all on this life, the money, women, success, impact, family - I will know the greatest glory it is possible for a human being to know, and I will have done it from nothing, with nothing other than old school fucking barbarian work ethic and stick it out to the bitter end.

Bro, we will both take it all in this life.

I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IN YOU

YOU ABSOLUTELY WILL MAKE IT

BUT YOU MUST PROMISE ME YOU WILL NEVER, EVER QUIT

Success is inevitable if we GRIND and never, ever quit.

We are in this together and I have your back.

KEEP FUCKING HAMMERING,
MAC
 
I don't have any advice to offer on the rest, but if the deadlift is hard on your back, video it and get a form check, or get a coach. There is nothing special about deadlifts or your back, you're probably just doing it wrong. A lot of people get way too up in their head. Deadlifts with any amount of weight aren't a risky maneuver unless you don't know how.
 
SpongeBob said:
I think I kind of hate myself. I've been trying to push away this feeling but it keeps creeping back... It's been an emotional day today, and I couldn't avoid this anymore. I'm crying just by writing those words as it fucking hurts to face that truth.


But yeah, I don't know where to go from there. I don't know how I can learn to love myself deeply. I remember a couple of months ago, I felt like I had it, I remember that I could talk to myself with love and care. But recently it's a shitstorm. I'm going to keep pushing, of course, I'll keep working on my body, as I can really see the improvement week after week, month after month. I'm so obsessed by it that I'm supposed to go to Spain for the holidays and I'm already looking how I can still train over there. I don't know if it's really healthy, as actually the little sense of self worth that I have is tied to my progress at the gym. I'll have to wait at least till next week to weigh myself. Hope to gain a few more grams till then.
Click to expand...

Sup man, first off good job being this vulnerable.

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet: you aren't born hating yourself. Find out where you learned or were taught to hate yourself.
That's when you will be able to change that programming. You noticed it, the next steps are: figure out where it came from, say fuck it that's not what I want, work to change it.

We're all gonna make it,

Now
 
Thank you for your replies

MakingAComeback. Well if I could quit, I'd already have done it by now. Right now the progress are slow and hard, but in the long run, they'll pay off big time. At least I hope so. Thank you for your encouragements

Zug I'm probably doing something wrong indeed. Getting a coach to show me might be a good idea. Thanks

Now To be honest, I think getting into self development kind of nourished this hatred, paradoxically. I kind of keep being reminded how I'm not good enough. Not strong enough, not sociable enough, not brave enough... So on and so forth. I have to work on my perception and self acceptance.

But I'll comment one thing. There were moment in my past where I was ok with myself. Sometimes I liked the direction I was going and where I was at the moment. But the thing is that my love for myself is very conditional. If I do good then I deserve some love, if I don't, then I deserve hell. I have to change that programming indeed and lean toward an unconditional love for myself. Learning to push myself but not put me down when I'm in a pit.
 
SpongeBob said:
@Now To be honest, I think getting into self development kind of nourished this hatred, paradoxically. I kind of keep being reminded how I'm not good enough. Not strong enough, not sociable enough, not brave enough... So on and so forth. I have to work on my perception and self acceptance.

But I'll comment one thing. There were moment in my past where I was ok with myself. Sometimes I liked the direction I was going and where I was at the moment. But the thing is that my love for myself is very conditional. If I do good then I deserve some love, if I don't, then I deserve hell. I have to change that programming indeed and lean toward an unconditional love for myself. Learning to push myself but not put me down when I'm in a pit.
Click to expand...

Don't think it's all that paradoxical - it seems like you've learned somewhere that if you're not "good enough" at anything, that it applies to your entire being. Getting into self-improvement requires you to look at things you'd like to improve and set goals... as well as acknowledge you aren't at that goal yet.

I think those two things will work together to make you feel like shit as a person, until you decouple self-improvement & external metrics from your worth as a person. As you already said above, you're able to feel good about yourself when you do good but when that stops you beat yourself up.
Obviously this is hard, especially if you've been using that "not good enough" feeling as a punishment to drive your improvement efforts until now and think that giving that up will make you stagnate.

I think watching this interview might provide some value to you, particularly the "Lacking Intrinsic Value" segment starting at 01:04:07:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VLfmT5J3Yc


We're all gonna make it,

Now
 
Now said:
SpongeBob said:
@Now To be honest, I think getting into self development kind of nourished this hatred, paradoxically. I kind of keep being reminded how I'm not good enough. Not strong enough, not sociable enough, not brave enough... So on and so forth. I have to work on my perception and self acceptance.

But I'll comment one thing. There were moment in my past where I was ok with myself. Sometimes I liked the direction I was going and where I was at the moment. But the thing is that my love for myself is very conditional. If I do good then I deserve some love, if I don't, then I deserve hell. I have to change that programming indeed and lean toward an unconditional love for myself. Learning to push myself but not put me down when I'm in a pit.
Click to expand...

Don't think it's all that paradoxical - it seems like you've learned somewhere that if you're not "good enough" at anything, that it applies to your entire being. Getting into self-improvement requires you to look at things you'd like to improve and set goals... as well as acknowledge you aren't at that goal yet.

I think those two things will work together to make you feel like shit as a person, until you decouple self-improvement & external metrics from your worth as a person. As you already said above, you're able to feel good about yourself when you do good but when that stops you beat yourself up.
Obviously this is hard, especially if you've been using that "not good enough" feeling as a punishment to drive your improvement efforts until now and think that giving that up will make you stagnate.

I think watching this interview might provide some value to you, particularly the "Lacking Intrinsic Value" segment starting at 01:04:07:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VLfmT5J3Yc


We're all gonna make it,

Now
Click to expand...

Thanks man, I've watched the part you mentioned, and it kind of resonate within me. I don't believe that I have intrinsic value indeed. Even though there are external proofs of the opposite, deep down it's not registering in my psyche. Need to work on that.

Still moving forward:

  • Booked a 10 days vipassana retreat in April. I feel like I'd benefit from one now
  • Went to train in the morning again. It's -3 over there, felt so much anger and frustration again, but when I look myself in the mirror after the pump, I know I'm struggling for something. My body is looking slightly better every week. I still feel some kind of shame around this obsession, but at least I'm plowing through. I guess when I'll reap the benefits, that shame might fade away
 
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHERE YOU AT BOY????????????

The Gods of Self Improvement bless those who GO ON THE FUCKING ATTACK

This shit is real life, we are living and breathing right now. The path to greatness can unfold but it takes EFFORT and GRINDING.

Lets hear your goals for 2022.

You CANNOT be a statistic. So many let their mind control them, they show up for a while and they're gone with the wind.

Stay the course man. Post weekly. I believe in you.

MAC
 
Hey Big MAC, thanks for checking on me but don't worry, I'm still on track ;) . I haven't been posting because I was in Spain for the holidays at a friend's, the coming post is going to be quite long so i didn't want to do it on my phone.

------------

First of all, happy new year to all. May 2022 be the breakthrough year for all of you, may you reach your goals and find fulfilment in your lives.

I really enjoyed myself in Spain and it was refreshing to say the least. It was a much needed time outside of my routine. But, of course, I didn't totally stop working on myself:

  • I kept working out, even without access to the gym, thanks to my gymnastic rings I managed to find a place to hang them and do my 3 workouts for the week

  • I worked on my honesty and self acceptance by sharing my struggles to my friend. I've always had shame regarding my dating life, it was uncomfortable to talk about this, but this is part of who my story, so I need to accept it

  • I've booked a photoshoot in January with a photographer specialised in dating pictures

-----------

2021 has been a difficult year. The breakup with my ex has coloured the entire year, especially the 2nd half. It was hands down the most difficult time of my life. It sucked. But it was also, I think, a pivotal year that really opened my eyes on the fact that I really need to fix my dating life. I need to heal that part of myself that has been hurt by my years of "affective void" if I want to be able to have that long term relationship that I want. I want to become emotionally secure and be a positive presence in the women that I encounter. But here are some key accomplishments that I've realised in the last trimester:

  • Totally stopped pornography. I went cold turkey on that one, and I think I'm starting to see the benefits. I'm feeling more attracted to the "normal chick"

  • I've reached an important personal milestone: I'm starting 2022 at 80kg. You have no idea how happy I am to finally putting some weight. My pecs are showing a bit, and I fill my sleeves a bit more. I'm on track to reach my goal of 85kg. But I think now I need to pay more attention to the macros to bulk in a leaner way.

  • I've deadlifted 100kg (which isn't even my max as I could do 3x8 reps)

  • I've discovered an ugly truth about myself, the fact that I didn't really like myself, this is going to be a focus in 2022

All in all, while there has been some accomplishments, I'm not very happy with how the year went. 2022 is going to be better, because I give myself permission to do everything possible to fix my dating life which is the big dark hole in my life.

-----------

So in the coming 6 months, my focus is going to be on the following points:

  • Learn to love myself. To stop destroying myself for my failures, and learn to embrace my flaws.

  • Move on once and for all from my previous relationship, even though I think it'll be more a consequence from the following points

  • Get a fuckbuddy. Personally, having a regular chick that I really appreciate, with whom I can explore some things sexually is more significative than X number of lays

  • One lay from cold approach

  • Reach 84kg

----------

The plan for the coming weeks is as follow:

I'm leaving for Paris tonight, the coming weeks I'll revamp my wardrobe. That's one of the reason why I wanted to go there. I just hope that the government doesn't decide to shut everything down yet. I know it'll happen, I just hope it won't be next week, to give me some time to do some shopping. I'll prepare 3-4 outfits for the photoshoot and then improve my online profile.

I'll do some cold approach with a wing that have been doing this for 5 years now. It'll be good to be with someone more experienced and that can push me.

I've set my goals for the next 6 months so on the 1st of June, I'll make some new goals for the 2nd part of the year.

Let's get it boys!
 
So I got COVID after the new year party, so this kind of sucks. I'm torn between saying fuck it, and still going on do some shopping this week end as planned, or obeying diligently and staying home. It was literally like a flu for me. Got sick 2 days and that's it. All this nonsense for this drives me insane, but I'm wondering what if I contaminate someone weaker than me. That'd sucks.

So this week is an off week. Didn't train as I still felt like crap, didn't eat properly so I might have lost some weight. I have however been playing around with https://www.eatthismuch.com/ (merci ovnidos pour le bon plan, c'est une tuerie ce site!) and want to get a 2-3 days rotation of meal that I'll be able to eat consistently. Need to eat consistently roughly 3300 cal. Which seems a bit daunting...

I've uninstalled all the dating apps, as I was getting 0 tractions anyway. Will resume after my photoshoot. Still waiting to fix a date with the photographer. Would be ideal to do it next week. But I'd need to go get some outfits during the weekend.
 
SpongeBob said:
Need to eat consistently roughly 3300 cal. Which seems a bit daunting...
Click to expand...

Weirdly I never trusted the caloric maintenance that your body need from a website... they all gave me 2200 kcal, for "maintenance" but I feel more close to 1800kcal tbh. So make your own experiments
 
SpongeBob said:
So I got COVID after the new year party, so this kind of sucks. I'm torn between saying fuck it, and still going on do some shopping this week end as planned, or obeying diligently and staying home. It was literally like a flu for me. Got sick 2 days and that's it. All this nonsense for this drives me insane, but I'm wondering what if I contaminate someone weaker than me. That'd sucks.
Click to expand...

If you've already been infected for 5 days you're likely fine. Especially if you can track down an N95 mask.
 
ovnidos said:
Weirdly I never trusted the caloric maintenance that your body need from a website... they all gave me 2200 kcal, for "maintenance" but I feel more close to 1800kcal tbh. So make your own experiments
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I'm 1m94, so I'm not really surprised by the number. I'll follow this for a couple of weeks and see how it goes.

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Decided against going out during week end. I felt a bit sick and low on energy Saturday, and Sunday every shops are closed here in France (even God rested on that day, no way you'll make french people work too haha)

I feel much better now and have started training again. Can't access the gym so street workout it'll be. I found a tree near my home where I can hang my gymnastic rings so that's good. But it's crazy how a week off made my performances drop. I was a bit frustrated by this but heh, it's ok, I'll keep pushing. Even though it's getting freezing cold outside, I'll keep going.

And this week I'll prepare the shooting for next week, I've been hunting the pieces that I want to add to my wardrobe yesterday and today after work. Didn't buy anything but I know what I want. Just looking for the perfect pieces.

I can't focus at work because I'm obsessed with my dating goals. I just want to go out, buy my clothes, set up the photoshoot and do everything in order to get more women in my life as soon as possible. This has always been the big hole in my life, and I just want to make progress on that side. Even though I kind of feel like I'm "loosing time" with my job, this is acceptable for now as it allows me to focus on fitness and dating without stressing too much financially nor professionally. I'll tackle that at the end of this year. Already have a plan for the future regarding this.

Kind of struggling to finish this post. Want to share more about some reflection that I had the last couple of days about what do I give to the people around me. As mentioned, I have some deep self loathing and I struggle to see myself as worthy of love. So if I have to answer, what is attractive about me, I'll answer not much. And the thing is that I don't feel I can just decide to love myself out of nowhere. Like I need to get validated by enough women in order to be like "ok, I'm worth something". Typing it makes me realise that it's kind of fucked up and very unhealthy. And it'll definitively make me needy toward women, which will make me unattractive and thus the cycle will repeat. I feel optimistic though, I'm grateful that I unearthed this truth about myself that I avoided for many years, so that I can finally work on it on a deeper level.

I'll find what makes me awesome and share that part to the world. I'll be a positive light for the people around me. Don't know how I'll do it, but I'll make it. My 30s are going to be nothing like my 20s.
 
SpongeBob said:
Like I need to get validated by enough women in order to be like "ok, I'm worth something".
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Yeah same feeling here, not healthy I guess too. But I think we need to figure out dating life first then we could be focusing on other things
 
Shit dont I know it. You can find many pages in my log when I thought I was ugly / non-deserving / a shitbag. I was like that for a while dude! You can see tonnes of me going through that at the start and it fricken sucked. I know this struggle very, very well. For 29 years no girl was ever, ever interested in me. Not once. So the feeling of not feeling like I was deserving of love was something that burned into my very being.

That isn't how I feel today, and nor will it be your future.

You will hustle hard this year. You will grind with increasing confidence and determination. With the wins, you will really heal man. It definitely just seeps away with time. You earn your own self respect. It's not about women. Through self improvement you become proud of the man you see in the mirror. You will also get there, it seems like you are starting to change, the obsession is KEY. HUNGER in this game pays true dividends.

Warrior mentality is necessary at the start and then when you get the momentum you realise you have potential.

When I get my first lay Andy has invited me onto the podcast, and I will talk about my experience with thinking I was an insignificant person. The invisibility, the feeling of being an outsider. That shit hurt me bad, and the memories are terrifying to recall.

It still hurts inside when I see guys struggle with this, knowing I was there. Shit, I was an extreme case dude. Group support was valuable for my self worth also. It helped me a lot to have other men encourage me when I truly was without any form of hope that I could make my life better. With consistency, with discipline, with brutal, blood thirsty work ethic, you demonstrate your true character. When other men start to push you, it is them saying "I see value in you. You are not nothing to me. You can be something".

I see that value in you.

KEEP HAMMERING KING

THIS YEAR WE WILL CHANGE

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER

MAC
 
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