On the path to a better self

[HomelessBob]

Just read that part about the feeling like you're "worth something". I don't know if this helps man but personally I found having a mission in life basically saved my life.

When I was in my teens I was pretty depressed. Like real depressed. No reason for it, sometimes genetics gives you a crap hand when it comes to mental health.

I remember actually planning out a suicide attempt. I had everything ready to go, but at the last moment guilt hit. The only reason I didn't go through with it was my folks had already sacrificied alot to give me and my brother a decent life and to waste that felt ungrateful.

So I figured I was done with my life. But maybe someone else could find a use for it.

I decided right then I'd just hand off my life to helping other people feel better (I picked medicine). It sidestepped how I felt about myself because none of that mattered anymore, all that mattered was the mission. To help people out.

Later got a tattoo as kind of a contract to myself and the world.

Later as time went on, I naturally started working on myself. It's only logical, if you want to be great at what you do you need to be in great condition yourself. Great shape, great attitude etc.

One day I woke up and realised, I actually loved where I was in life.

I'm not saying you gotta go about it in the messed up way I did, but hey! Just saying, Having a real mission and goal in life is super powerful. It really amplifies your dopamine hit with every little step of progress because you know you have a solid direction. You're never short of goals and it can help fill that "void" feeling and feeling of worthlessness or purposelessness.

Just one guy's experience!

 

[Zug]

That's an extreme example, but I agree that when you believe what you do has meaning it can trump any amount of hardship or pain.

I also agree you really cannot just decide to love yourself unconditionally. It is a stupid meme devoid of truth. You can absolutely, definitely decide to stop treating yourself like a piece of shit though. It is virtually impossible to move forward until you can do that. Forgive yourself for mistakes and being naive. If you could forgive someone else for doing the same thing, then you can forgive yourself for it.

I also also agree that the desire for external validation is a real thing and normal. Just keep in mind no amount of external validation will ever make you proud of yourself, your actions, or the amount of effort you are putting in. Only you can do that. I can't find the clip or quote, but Mark Bell said something like "You're friend can hook you up with a job, you're buddy can set you up with his sister, but only you can increase your bench press".

 

[SpongeBob]

Thank you all for your input. It's really nice to be around caring people.

Yeah same feeling here, not healthy I guess too. But I think we need to figure out dating life first then we could be focusing on other things

Yes, this is focus n°1 this year.

You earn your own self respect. It's not about women. Through self improvement you become proud of the man you see in the mirror

It is indeed not about women anymore. It's about healing, it's about being a better human. I kind of believe that this article speaks the truth: https://killyourinnerloser.com/getting-laid-makes-you-a-better-man/. It's hard to be really giving and kind when you have resentment and bitterness in your heart. For a long time I've been afraid (more like ashamed) to admit that I felt those. But now I'm ready to look at this dark part of myself and to work to get to a better place. For myself and the people around me.

When I get my first lay Andy has invited me onto the podcast,

Seeing how you're grinding now, I have no doubt that it'll come pretty soon

Just read that part about the feeling like you're "worth something". I don't know if this helps man but personally I found having a mission in life basically saved my life.

Yes I'm still trying to figure that out. I've explored many path, but none really sticked. And the thing is whatever I do, the fact that I know that actually, I'm not able to get laid if I want to, is literally taking all my mental bandwith. It kind of alway has been, but I kind of ignored it. Now I can't otherwise I'll be in the same state in 10 years. That's why I'll take this year (and maybe the next one or 2, depending on how things go) to fix that shit. I know I won't be able to be a good partner if I don't.

You can absolutely, definitely decide to stop treating yourself like a piece of shit though. It is virtually impossible to move forward until you can do that. Forgive yourself for mistakes and being naive. If you could forgive someone else for doing the same thing, then you can forgive yourself for it.

This is something that I must work on indeed. I'm still beating myself up for mistakes in the past. I feel anger and frustration and I have trouble to let it go (read the recommended book by Andy, but still struggle deeply with it). I know I'll be at peace with myself (my definition of loving myself), when I'll be ok with my past and present failures. It's going to take time, but it'll sink in.

I also also agree that the desire for external validation is a real thing and normal. Just keep in mind no amount of external validation will ever make you proud of yourself, your actions, or the amount of effort you are putting in.

Indeed, in the end, the validation must come from within. I just don't really know how to give it to myself, without it feeling empty for now. It feels like a homeless person trying to convince himself that he's rich.

Once again, thank you everyone for taking the time to read and to comment.

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Worked out this morning, it was quite hard and I pushed myself past my limits, it felt good. Training under 0° is a bit tough, I do miss the gym, but I'll suck it in and keep going.

Contacted the photographer regarding the shooting, it'll happen next week. Until then I keep focusing on upgrading the wardrobe.

Just need to take one baby step every day.

 

[SpongeBob]

I'm exhausted but very happy about my day. Today was all about shopping. There was an amazing weather here in Paris. Was really the perfect day to go out for this.

I got almost every pieces that I planned to buy:

- White sneakers
- Leather jacket
- Beanies
- Got some turtleneck sweater
- Camel Bomber jacket
- Brown boots

I had this weird moment when I bought my leather jacket. I'm not a vegan nor have anything against people buying clothes made from animals but I know that my ex is quite sensitive to the animal cause. And when I was buying the jacket, I had this intense guilt and I was thinking stuff like "what if she sees me with this and judge me negatively?". I had to get a grip of myself and remind myself that her opinion of me is not important anymore and that I shouldn't care of anybody's opinion that much anyway. I still have some work to so mentally to really detach myself from her. It feels so weird.

I already know what I'm going to wear for the photoshoot. He asked me 3 different outfits and I'll get him to a picture of me using the gymnastic rings. It'll be my "hobby picture".

My diet is taking a hit since I arrived in Paris. I don't track the quantities and yesterday I went to eat KFC (first time in at least 2 years) which fucked up my stomach because I have a very sensitive one. I know I eat less than I should so I'm a bit worried about loosing some of the hard gained weight I'll have access to the gym once again which I'm pretty stoked about. I'll weigh myself on Monday and have to admit that I'm a bit afraid of what's going to show. Hope I will not be below the 80kg mark.

I went out yesterday to an afterwork with a friend. There wasn't any attractive woman. Was good socialising anyway. We tried to go to a place where we could dance even with the restrictions, but it was full so in the end we just chilled at some cafe.

This week was entirely focused on the style. And I'm pretty happy with the result.

 

[MakingAComeback]

YES!!!!!

Well done bro on your action here you did well!!!

KEEP GRINDING KING

LETS SEE YOU SUCCESSFUL

You get that profile maxxed out, you get those dates, you get better and better with women and for the love of god keep worshipping at the alter of the barbell and I swear one day we will be at the winners table together, victorious

MAC

 

[SpongeBob]

Got back to the gym this morning. I have mixed feelings about the overall workout as I made very small progress during the past weeks. I've been training regularly with my rings since the gym closed a month ago and basically I'm doing the same amount of rep with the same weight as my last gym workout, for each exercises. Except the squat, where I decided to drop my ego to lift lighter but to focus on full range of motion. Hated every part of it haha.

So basically it feels like I did no progress in overall strength the past month. Even though I worked hard on the ring, pushing myself. So it was a bit disappointing.

Need to take some time to stretch after working out, I feel some pain in my shoulder that keeps intensifying, I think I lack mobility and working out with ring was quite painful there.

On a more positive note, weighed myself and was happy to see that I gained weight, and I'm now at 82ish kg, which I'm pretty stoked about. As I said, diet wasn't on point the last couple of weeks, ever since came to Paris, so I'm surprised I gained weight. Don't know if it's because I'm in my 30s and my metabolism might have slowed down, but before I'd have definitively lost some weight. Anyway, still on the right track.

I feel way better when I look myself in the mirror and I really enjoy the process of seeing and feeling my body changing over time. Filling my clothes and seeing muscles feels weird.

Booked the shooting for Thursday afternoon. Might go tomorrow to buy one last pair of jeans.

Just need to take one baby step every day

 

[ovnidos]

my rings since the gym closed a month ago and basically I'm doing the same amount of rep with the same weight as my last gym workout,

Here's the issue, don't worry. With ring dips for example, you can't isolate chest muscle, so much more is involved. So when you progress at ring dips, at the beginning you progress on the form, like not on chest strength. Hope I made myself clear.

For example, I usually bench with dumbbells, but when I came back to the classic bench press, I take me about 1 to 2 week, to "express" my true strength that i've acquired through dumbbell bench press.

 

[MakingAComeback]

Solid ass work my g, you are fucking working here. I am proud of you.

I know you will make it.

MAC

 

[SpongeBob]

I am proud of you.

Thanks man, that means a lot

--------------------------

I think I fucked up my shoulder yesterday. Felt an intense pain when I tried to do the incline dumbbell press, and my workout was over from there. It still hurts when I stretch my shoulder backward. I'm have to check a doctor about it. Well, I guess that's what happens when you don't warm up properly and don't stretch at the end. I think I have naturally fragile shoulders, I always had pain there. Lesson learned anyway, will have to change my workout to accommodate to that situation. Will have to remove any push/ pull exercises, do isolation exercises for biceps and triceps and do more core and legs, till my shoulder is healed. Don't want to totally stop training, not now, I have such a good momentum. So I'll keep pushing however I can in that department.

Just came back from the shooting. Have mixed feeling about it, but I believe there are a couple of photos that are ok. That shit was fucking difficult, with the cold and I suck at relaxing for picture. We'll see what comes out of this. Have to admit that I felt cocky before going there, believing that I'll naturally kill it. Reality always slaps you in the face. I felt awkward at time, even wondering "I'm doing all this just to get the opportunity to talk to women, am I not trying to hard ?". I guess when I'll start having some results, those worries will be washed by pussy juice :lol:.

Taking one baby step every day.

 

[ovnidos]

"I'm doing all this just to get the opportunity to talk to women, am I not trying to hard ?

Lets remove that from your head brooooo!!! you're already on a forum about this purpose : lets go ALL IN

 

[MakingAComeback]

Keep working king.

This is your process. All of us as men are unique.

We go through shit at different times, in different capacities.

But we all believe in you.

You WILL be successful.

MAC

 

[SpongeBob]

Thanks guys for the support as always

--------------------------------

I've been feeling like shit the past couple of days. Stumbled across a story of my ex with her new BF, and it hurts. I've finally decided to unfriend her from FB, which was the ultimate step that I couldn't take. Every time it brings a lot of emotions: doubts, anger, sadness, regrets and so on... And it makes me feel that I'm not evolving, because I'm still affected by this. Part of the reason is that I'm not fulfilled in my life now, so I feel like I'm stuck at the same place. I wonder if I'll ever move on from this relationship or if I'm doomed to regret it till the rest of my life. I feel it's fucking hard to move on.

That pain fucking sucks. I hate this feeling. Trying to be positive about it, telling myself that I'm lucky to feel those emotions, because that means that I've loved and been loved in the end. But shit the present sucks now. There's nothing else to do than keep moving with that heavy pain in my chest. Keep pushing, keep striving.

It makes me want to grind harder to get better with women and sort out this area of my life. To become a better man and more emotionally stable.

Right now I'm with my family in France's countryside. So it's kind of an off time. But since this morning it makes me anxious, as I feel that I need to keep grinding to get out of this pit as soon as possible...

On a positive note, I'm being religiously consistent with fitness, and I'm proud of this. Whatever happens, I still find a way to workout. Tomorrow will take my aunt's car to drive 20min to a nearby gym because it's the fucking countryside here.

Still waiting for the photos from the shooting. I'm full of doubts: what if I don't get any result from them ? What if I wasted time and energy and it doesn't pay off ? Or barely ? I think I have some big expectation out of this. Maybe too big, I need to be more grounded, because it's something that I tend to do. I think that doing X will give me big results, and when it gives me a bit of success, it's not enough. I expect that I'll get dozens of matches per week from my new profile. Should be more realistic and expect to improve maybe by 2-3 matches per week. Would still be better than 0.

 

[ovnidos]

Hey bro, I'm really feeling deep what you've exposed here. It's almost if it was written by me...

Stumbled across a story of my ex with her new BF

Happened the same to me, IRL tho... Was really put down for about a week. Go absoluly no contact, and block her so you can't go to see her profile. She will vanish faster that way without constant stimulus.

It makes me want to grind harder to get better with women and sort out this area of my life. To become a better man and more emotionally stable.

That's the most healthy way to heal your pain. You've got 2 choices actually, grinding like you do already or transform into a limp watching show on netflix.

Still waiting for the photos from the shooting. I'm full of doubts: what if I don't get any result from them ? What if I wasted time and energy and it doesn't pay off ?

Bro I felt that so hard too... But the biggest risk you can take is doing NOTHING. If you do nothing : exactly nothing will change. You've got to put your ego at risk for this mission, that's the only way around.

But look on a positive note : Just changing 1 pics of my still shitty OLD account and I've got a lay ! Just changing one. And without paying tinder+ or booster (which i'm not against).

 

[SpongeBob]

Happened the same to me, IRL tho... Was really put down for about a week. Go absoluly no contact, and block her so you can't go to see her profile. She will vanish faster that way without constant stimulus.

Yeah after this, that's what I did. It sucked though, really liked her as a person as well. But it hurts me more to keep her around so I need to do what's good for me

That's the most healthy way to heal your pain. You've got 2 choices actually, grinding like you do already or transform into a limp watching show on netflix.

Yeah the second choice doesn't get you anywhere so it's not really an option. The only real option is to plow forward.

----------------------------------

Got my photos from the shooting back asking advice on this thread:

https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1155

None of them are great IMO, but it'll still be an improvement from my current profile

Was supposed to go to the gym this morning, but got sick, probably food poisoning from what I ate yesterday. Shit sucks, I could have use a good workout to vent out my feelings.

 

[BigBrach]

Well, are there any other goals you could work towards? Passive income? Setting up meets to, well, meet people and get new friends (Hit me up when you're back in the Netherlands)? Picking up a skill you've been meaning to, but haven't had the time for?

It's better to focus on what you can (currently) do instead of lamenting what you can't do. It also helps prevent your mind from wandering and getting in dark places, which, given the experiences above, doesn't sound too unlikely.

I'd give advice on the photographs, but I'm really not qualified for that.

Keep at it, buddy.

 

[Squilliam]

None of them are great IMO, but it'll still be an improvement from my current profile

The problem is that posing is a separate skill in itself. You seem to still be learning how to pose more naturally (and it's tricky, I'm still working on it). A professional photographer won't fix this issue.

 

[SpongeBob]

Well, are there any other goals you could work towards? Passive income? Setting up meets to, well, meet people and get new friends (Hit me up when you're back in the Netherlands)? Picking up a skill you've been meaning to, but haven't had the time for?

It's better to focus on what you can (currently) do instead of lamenting what you can't do. It also helps prevent your mind from wandering and getting in dark places, which, given the experiences above, doesn't sound too unlikely.

Yeah man you're totally right. I've been working on the editing of the photos at least. When I'm back to NL, I'll hit you guys up 100%. Especially since they're opening stuff again.

The problem is that posing is a separate skill in itself. You seem to still be learning how to pose more naturally (and it's tricky, I'm still working on it). A professional photographer won't fix this issue.

True, but Adrizzle is right in the fact that if I was by myself taking picture, it would have been overwhelming to try to handle everything. At least with a photographer, you only have to focus on the posing skill.

--------------------------

Feeling like shit but still pushing. Woke up with a lot of negative thoughts, swirling. It makes me feel desperate for some female attention, which is never a good place to be at. Neediness is an attraction killer. And my mind is telling me that I should get a girlfriend now, but the thing is if I do this, it'll be from a place of desperation, and it's a shitty way to start a relationship, I need to sort myself first before thinking about entering a new relationship. In 2 weeks it'll be 1 year that I broke up with my ex. All the emotions and feelings are still so fresh...

I'm just full of doubt. Can I really become a more confident/secure man ? Those really are foreign concepts for me. Can I move on from my previous relationship for good ? Can I really meet another great woman ? Will I be able to get her and keep her if I do meet her ? Will I ever feel good enough ?

Reading Andy's article https://killyourinnerloser.com/doubt/ again and again to integrate that it's normal to feel this way. And I just need to keep pushing. Even if there's 0.001% chance that I'll achieve my goals, all I need to do is try.

 

[SpongeBob]

I've listened once again to Andy's transformation story and something sticked this time: when he mentioned that he had to battle his own negative thoughts, to feel and express gratitude over something. And it gave me an idea. One of my goal for 2022 was:

Learn to love myself. To stop destroying myself for my failures, and learn to embrace my flaws.

The issue there is that there isn't any actionable action associated with it. How can I change my negative view of myself to a more positive one ? How can I become a happier and fixed my feeling of worthlessness. The solution I found out, after listening to the story, is that I'm going to embark on a 365 project where every day I'll write 5 things I'm grateful for, and 5 things that I'm proud that I did/that is positive about me. Also, once a week, I'll express my appreciation to someone that contributed in any way in my life. This will be done either by calling the person, sending a voice message or writing a message to that person. So I'll show some appreciation to 52 people. It'll be a bit challenging, because I'm not too used to be this vulnerable.

I'm going to slowly reprogram myself to have a more positive view about myself and internalise it, be more vulnerable to the people around me and simply be happier generally, without having to wait to fix my dating life. I want to give as much as I receive from women, so I need to be self sufficient and not solely base my value on their validation. Which is a recipe for disaster.

So there we go. We'll see if it helps me

Entry 1:

Gratitude

-I'm grateful for my parents that have always loved me and that always supported me whatever my life choice have been
-I'm grateful for having a good relationship with my siblings. We don't say it much, but we still love each other
-I'm grateful for this community and this website, which drives me to improve and become a better man every day
-I'm grateful for never having known misery, that I was always well off in terms of material need
-I'm grateful for the internet, because that shit is wild, without it, this community wouldn't exist and who knows what I'd have done with my issue

Self love

-I'm happy with my height. Being 1m94 (6ft4) has always been an advantage, even though I always lack muscles, I always had the height credit
-I'm happy about my bone structure. Having wide shoulder and thin waist always gave me an athletic look, and often I was told that I was impressive physically
-I often had compliment about my face, I've often been told that I'm handsome. So I'll choose to believe it.
-In high school, I had to perform in a dance show at the end of a year in (I believe) 10th/11th year. I was scared shitless, and thought about bailing right at the end. I had a central role in it so there was a lot of expectation on me. I had to drink alcohol to relax myself, but I still went through, and the show was a success. Kudos to my teenage self
-I've always been fairly independent, never been afraid to separate myself from my folks, even at a young age. I've taken my financial independence from my parents at the age of 21, when they were ready to support me longer, but I wanted to be my own man as early as possible.

------

The gratitude came naturally, the self appreciation was a bit harder to come after the 3rd point

 

[SpongeBob]

Entry #2:

Gratitude

- I'm grateful for my best friend that have been with me through thick and thin. Always there to support me when I'm down and share a good life. Love him to death
- I'm grateful for never having major health issues. I always had some stomach/digestion issue that really bothers me a lot, but I mean I never had cancer, broken bones or other very nasty stuff. Might change in the future you never know but so far so good. So thanks for that
- I'm grateful for being a man. Honestly, even though I think women have it easier for a lot of social/dating situations, I wouldn't want to change sex. The periods, being weaker than half the population, security issues doesn't appeal much to me. Would love to have their orgasms though
- I'm grateful for having lived half of my life in Cameroun. The intercultural environment that I grew up in helped to have a big view of the world early on
-I'm grateful for my company. It's not the most exciting environment, but they're all good people and very flexible and easy to approach when I need something.

Self appreciation

- I'm not one to complain.
- I'm supportive of other people success, even when I'm not successful, I don't have the "if I'm in the mud, you need to be there too" mentality even if I'm envious of the other person
- I'm easy-going
- I've always been quite social, even though I think I lack in deepening the link with other people, I've always been surrounded, in high school, I was mingling with different groups, whereas other people would stick to one group for many years. In university, I was talking to everyone in my class, when, again, people would usually stick to their group.
- I always strive to improve myself, no matter how difficult the task may be. I do fail a lot to improve myself in my opinion, but I always try, without giving up. I've always wanted to gain weight, failing for many years, and I finally broke through the 80kg threshold, and I'll keep going. I always had a hard time with women, mostly because I'm too afraid to make a move, but I manage to get a great girlfriend that is definitively a quality woman, both physically and mentally.

--------

Self appreciation always feels awkward but I think I really need this. This morning, while waking up, had thought about how I hated myself because I got on my phone 1st thing in the morning. Yeah not that I hated the behaviour, but that I was a shitty human being to do this. Managed to not give it too much thought and brushed it off. One day I'll have a deep and genuine appreciation for myself, and won't have this self loathing thoughts anymore.

Going back to Paris tomorrow and then back to Amsterdam Sunday, will launch all the dating apps with the curated and edited pictures thanks to everyone's input. Then we'll see the result. Having a few matches per week will be a great improvement from having nothing. I'm not expecting much more, but will keep improve things

 

[SpongeBob]

Entry 3:

Gratitude

- I'm grateful for being born in a 1st world country
- I'm grateful that I never got into a toxic relationship (one of the perks of not being successful with women I guess)
- I'm grateful for my relationship with my ex
- I'm grateful to have had a decent education
- I'm grateful to be born in that time. It's the best era to be born in, as a 1st World citizen.

Self appreciation

- I'm proud to be a good kizomba dancer
- I think that most lf the time, I have a decent self awareness. That I've polished through countless hours of meditation in the past. Sometimes it backfires though
- I'm proud to have a decent style (which definitively got an upgrade recently)
- From the review of some girls I fucked, I'm quite decent in bed
- I'm a good listener, often ready to help people deal with their issues

appreciation of others

- told my mom today how proud I was to be her son. Was very uncomfortable. Had a smooth speech in my mind, but I just blurted it awkwardly. Weird how expressing love and affection can be as harder than to reject someone