Good day overall, went for a 60-minute run, hit the infrared sauna for 30 mins, studied Spanish, did some core work, and calmed me down a bit.
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Yesterday was a bit challenging to be honest. I hung out with my buddy and enjoyed it, but when I came home, I kind of just lay down and crashed for a while.
I had a lot of time to myself and to think, something I don't normally do. Like I said, taking days off is new for me, and not something I have ever really done. I am still working out how to go about it, but yesterday was NOT the right way.
As I lounged around and 'vegged out' so to speak, I was wrapped up in my thoughts, which were really so painful and so sad. I am 29 now and turn 30 in a few months and it really hurt me to think that I may never be able to start a family and have children. My idea of success was always making good money, having a stimulating and enriching life, and having a good, honest, loyal woman and a few children. I feel like a fucking failure sometimes even though I work my ass off and yesterday it got to me.
This was unusual for me and sufficiently disturbing that I want to sort this out.
I spent a few hours dealing with some pretty intense anger. I blamed myself, which is fine because it is my damn fault, but rather disgustingly, I did spend some time brooding on feelings of being looked over by women and passed over - it isn't necessarily uncommon for deeply rejected men like myself to carry resentment and anger, but I seldom actually experience this as I am a busy guy and am distracted. Why couldn't just one girl have texted me back, why couldn't just ONE have responded to the well-thought-out messages I sent on dating sites for almost 2 years - I could have at least had some hope then.
In an attempt to find some distraction, I did break my NoFap streak (which was almost 20 days) and beat it off, only once, and not using porn (I find porn gross). It made me feel MUCH better and I calmed down a lot. I got back on the No PMO wagon this morning and now am on Day 1.
I got up this morning, early as always, and went for a walk to cool down. I listened to a man I admire greatly, Dr Jordan Peterson, I listened to 12 Rules for Life and to his story about his friend, Chris, a man who like me had no success with women but was intelligent, had some competence, but developed pathologically negative beliefs about people, humanity, and the world. His life descended into murderous, soul-rending embitterment and isolation, and he was found dead at the age of 35 in his car, poisoning himself on exhaust fumes. He was survived by his parents, and Jordan shed a tear as he read the passage.
I was damn near in agony listening to this.
The world is a tough place, living is hard, life in and of itself is a burden we must strive to life, but it is possible to do so gracefully, with meaning, purpose, and integrity.
The pain of rejection is something that is with me, I acknowledge this, but I will not put any more pain into the world. I will bear this and walk with the cross upon me, and I will not let a single soul feel the pain others have put onto me. This cycle will end with me.
I am too stubborn to quit and too hard-headed to ever give up, I am fucking stupid like that, I simply am too much of a stubborn bastard to stop doing things. I will not allow this to burrow into me like a parasite and turn me negative.
Before I found this site, I was NOT thinking about these things, I gave up on women completely and hadn't thought about them for YEARS. Being on here has opened up an old wound and I can now see that I do have some pain in me I wasn't even aware of.
But I can now do something about it.
I am at the beginning of my transformation, though it has been a 10-year journey. Over this period of time, I have definitely made progress, but there is a long, ugly, tormenting road ahead, and all I can do is walk it one step at a time. There are thousands of more rejections to come, perhaps more brutal than I have ever known before, but I will walk through the fire and see what is on the other side.
Realistically I am not sure whether a wife and children will be possible now, I have sort of lost my innocence when it comes to women and not sure I want to marry one now. It hurts but it's better to face the truth and not live in a delusional fantasy. They don't want to give me the light of day let alone marry my delusional ass anyway. I have to accept that truth.
For now, one step at a time:
1) Lose weight
2) Get to 215lbs, start online dating
3) Lose virginity
Done. That is all that matters now. The rest will come together provided the work, effort and consistency is there.
Thanks all,
MAC
I'd love to see what you look like - there are things that you can do WHILE losing weight about your appearance.
They can say what they want, I'll be here fighting to my last drop of blood.