SAT 24/07/21
Last night was fun, first time on a night out in like 2 years, damn covid! Today I had family errands, and then I used it as a recharge day. I will take recharges days MAYBE once or twice a month, maybe. When I am not working on my goals it does make me a sort of disgusted and furious that I am letting time slip away after I have worked so hard to get back in the fight, but it’s strategic – see when you are truly grinding, your emotional system can fight you, because your serum cortisol and adrenaline ramps up slowly if you are fucking HAMMERING and then after time, your body can become more vigilent and stressed. I know a lot about what I need to do to maintain my overall health, function and performance. I have learned from research and experience, for fucking years lol.
Things I do on a recharge day are: cold thermogenesis (ice bath basically, 20-30 mins), infrared sauna (30 mins), long walks (3-4 hours), watch an uplifting film, read, spend time with friends and family, meditate, etc.
So, today, I recharhed. I needed it because I had a conversation with my Mum this morning and I snapped back to a very benign comment, which is not how I conduct myself I am very chill as a person. So I knew, OK, time to dial it in, you’re hammering and that’s good, but you need to lower cortisol and adrenaline today.
I did cold thermogenesis, some grounding/earthing, breathwork (I do this every day without fail tbh), infrared sauna, and then I watched The Pursuit of Happyness. It’s one of my classic films. Really love it. It hits me different the older I get. I have never actually cried when I watched it before, but this time, right at the end when Chris (Will Smith) hugs his little son, I broke down. The kid is 5, just tiny, and his Dad is truly going through the inferno to provide a better life for him, as in, every second is life or fucking death, gun to the head, he doesn’t know if he and his son will ear that day, he is sleeping in the men’s room, in homeless shelters, is completeing an insanely competitive 6 month unpaid internship while doing his sales job to shift medical scanning units to be able to continue his life. Everything is agaisnt him, nothing is going for him, but he is smart, dilligent, proactive, keeps his cool, and above everything else, he ATTACKS it, RELENTLESSLY. He spends over a month getting to the brokerage firm early to be able to talk to one of the partner’s of the firm and convince him that despite having no University education, he is bright, hard working, and has a total dog mentallity that stops at absolutely nothing. He does that just to get an interview, lol, and the day before the interview he is arrested for unpaid parking tickets! Has to run to the interview the morning of, dressed like a slob, and he pulls it off and gets an opportunity to compete for the position.
It’s not an easy task facing challenges like this, certainly not when you are a single father on the breadline who cannot catch a single break.
And yet, he succeeds.
He gets the job. I posted the clip a few days ago, it’s above. He walks out the meeting room, gets his things, and goes to pick up his son from the 2nd rate day care he has had to put him in. At that moment, he knows: we don’t have to live like this anymore. I did it. The cycle of pain ends with him. He carried the cross so his son doesn’t have to. If you’ve read much of my log, you will understand why that hits me deeply on an emotional level.
In life, you MUST get your shit together. You cannot hold resentment and insecurity, in the end, those emotions have destroyed whole societies, whole social systems, and have caused the obliteration of many innocent sentient beings in this world. You cannot carry them. You must bear your cross. Because if you don't, the next person in line will get the wrath. Desires are sacred. Cherish them, they are precious. Their pursuit is a gift you give yourself.
There is going to be a day in the future, gentleman, when I know in my heart of hearts that I have actually gone the distance. You don’t know half the shit that happened in my life, I have eluded to some of it, but some of it was so insane I have never told anyone. Believe it or not, as horrible as that shit was, at 30, it fuels me. This shit feels surreal sometimes, as it it was meant to happen like this for me. Won’t get too metaphysical, it’s not the place for that. But one day, I will know that I have actually made something of myself, and there will be a moment, hell, it could be a few seconds at best, but I know it will hit me in a way that only a guy who has my background, one of life’s true under dogs, will ever truly be able to experience.
That feeling is what I am searching for. I think I have probably been searching for it for most of my life. To me, at this point in my life, it is as clear as day. All I have to do is show up every day, get the hammer out, and go to work.
I will be here tomorrow.
And I’m still gonna be grinding.
MAC
