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Silver's Log - job interviews and fear.

Sin Silver

Sin Silver

Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2020
All right everyone, my names Silver, and welcome to the first of my weekly blogs. I’m going to keep these posts weekly rather than daily, so I each post has plenty of juicy content to keep you coming back for more. For the first post, I want to focus on who I am, who I was, and who I want to be in the future. I could include more, but as I review this text in Word, it is already looking like a rather beefy.

When I first drafted this post I was going to write a long sob story about the various challenges I overcame, but I didn’t want to start my first log wants to read a sob story you’ve have read hundred time. My solution to this is to write punchy bullet points of the key part of my life, like a watch mojos top ten self improvement story clichés.

• Grew up struggling with severe dyspraxia and dyslexia. Little social skills and motivation in my teens.

• At 19, I realized I had no friends when I started envying characters in a slice of life animes. So I started throwing myself into every social situation I could until I improved

• Failed a year of university as I put no effort it. I retook it as I was determined not to end up working minimum wage. I realized I enjoyed the work when I put the effort in.

• Finally lost my virginity at the age of 23 at an anime convention to a bleach cosplayer.

• I graduated uni with an average degree. As I felt I still had a lot of personal development to do, I decided to go do a PhD. This gave me a second chance at that fantastic university life I missed previously. I developed more in the following 3 years that I had in the last 25, and felt I finally like a worthy human being. I also get to make 'Pretty huge dick' jokes, which is always a bonus.

• After I graduated, thing started to go south. I got a really good job, but lost if after 6 months, as I couldn’t handle the pressure and environment. I got another job shortly after but failed again for similar reasons. I can partially attribute this to my disabilities, and partially to me cracking under pressure due to the fear of failure.

• During my second job, I lived in Manchester, UK. That fantastic part of my like, I joined a social groups through meetup.com, and I got involved heavily in the local BDSM scene through Fetlife. Sadly, I moved back in with my parents when I was made unemployed.

My struggles with work have been THE defining part of my life for the last three years. When I was in University and in Manchester, I was living the social and sex life I wanted, but my problems with work forced me into moving back with my parents. Thankfully, I managed to get career level job within commuting location of their house, but in order to save money, and to help manage the handle the pressure, I decided to continue living with them.

The new job is going well. Its had quite a few stressful moments, but I’ve handled them, and my boss has been very supportive. Living with my parents in rural Wales isn’t letting me live the lifestyle I want, but I am saving A LOT of money that’s helping me work towards home ownership.

After being inspired by reading Andy blog and everyone else posts, I am determined to get back into dating. I was slaying it back in university, and to blow my own trumpet, I feel I have aged physically and mentally well since then, so I feel I could be slaying it now if I got my own place, and got back out there.

This in mind, my absolute goals right now are
1) Excel at my career.
2) Get back into dating
3) Look after my health and looks

The career comes first. Without that, I have no independence. I spend at least 40 hours a week working, and I wont everyone one of those to be an hour I'm motivated and proud. Dating comes second, Computer games and anime are fun, but they cannot match the excitement and wonder of meeting and fucking girls. Finally, health. I already live a healthy lifestyle. Being toner and fitter would help with dating, but I’ve done quite well in the past, and I’m in better shape than I was back then.

I’m going post my plans and thoughts later, but I think a page and a half in word doc is more than enough for a first post. I look very forward to getting to know you all, and helping us to all reach our goals.
 
you are right, their are a lot of oddities on FL It's also the best way to get involved in the local kink scene's, munches, Rope Labs, festivals, you name it. You've just got to filter out the irrelevant and find what it is you want.
 
Welcome to the second of Silvers Weekly log posts. Second week, and I’ve already broken my goal of always having one out on a Sunday, albeit with good reason. I got a call from my boss on Friday night, asking me to come in over the weekend, so whatever part of my body clock that handles days of the week is really out of whack at the moment.

Anyway, something I really want to discuss I the positive attitude to work I have developed lately. I was really anxious a lot of the time at my previous two roles. I felt like I was barely scraping things through week by week, holding onto things by the skin of my teeth. Herw however, I have a strong ‘can-do’ attitude and the will not just to succeed, but also to excel. Drawing on what I’ve read from “You cant afford the luxury of a negative thought”(which both I and Andy Recommend) I realised how anxious and stuck in ‘fight or flight’ I was in my previous positions.

When you’re stuck in flight and fight and negative thinking, every little bump in your path turns into a mountain. A small problem or a routine task can throw you into panic or fill you with dread.

I’ve realised that when I’m stressed and anxious, I look at a problem or situation and think to myself, “How do I survive this?”, “How do I scrape through?” or “How do I make this situation go away? Can I pass it onto someone else?”. These are not the attitudes of a winner, and they’re not the attitudes I’ve had in the past when I was excelling at life and work.
When I’m doing well I think “How can I make a biggest impact?”, “How can I make the best out of this situation” and “How can I really stand out?”, but most of the time I think of nothing at all, as I’m to busy living in the moment.

The reason I’m doing much better at work can partially be contributed to the new work culture and my supportive boss, but I really like to think I’ve developed the ability to handle pressure. When the negative thinking starts, I slam the brakes on. I stop all the negative thinking that causes you to spiral through waves of self pity, victimhood, anxiety, and just focus on the task at hand. I don’t think anyone is ever truly free of pressure or anxiety, but I feel I grown to manage it a lot better. Hopefully, I won’t forget what I have learnt next time.

Outside of work, the other areas of life I’ve been working on have been going well. Diet wise, I’ve started a lot of clean eating. I’ve not touched junk food in over a week, hopefully, this will allow me to slim down more. I’m still aunsure if should eat more and try to bulk up, or eat les and slim down. I do press ups and HITT at home, but until gyms open, I can’t see how I can focus on strength and size, It might be preferable to work on losing fat for now. Speaking of ,I do an awful lot of running , and I’ve been able to do around 2/3rd of my usualy five mile run at jogging pace without slowing down which is a huge improvement. I’ll remember to time myself for the next one.

Another goal of mine is to work on my appearance and acquire some more attractive cloths. I’ve spent some time looking at models online who vaguely look like me who’s appearance I want to try and copy. I have a lot to learn about fashion and learning from their examples seems like a good start.

I’ve been able to get some time in photography too. We have some good books on the canon 50D that I have been reading and absorbing, I tried to take some self portraits of myself, but using the timer and the focus is a real challenge. After some experimenting with the light, focus, positioning, and getting a ton of shots, I DID manage to get one very good photo of my cat. If I can get this good a shot of him, I cannot be far of getting one of myself.


View attachment 1
One day I'll take a shot of myself this handsome and intense.

Also, bonus pic, I have been practising my rope work/shibari. I don’t have anyone to practise on at the moment, so I instead tied up a nerf gun instead for practise. This is meant to be a bikini harness. Tieing up this bit of plastic is a different job from tieing up a person, but I’m able to really practise a lot of the basic building blocks of rope work this way.




This is the bikini harness tie from behind. The orange handles represent the shoulders, and the gap between the middle and bottom hoizontal ties is where the breasts would be.

I guess my plan is to continue this into next week, however I also want something more quantifiable to track my progress. I am going to take some weight measurements, and time my runs. Hopefully I can see how this improves week to week.

This time next week, I’ll have been able to buy some new cloths, AND get my hair cut for the first time 4 months. Hopefully I’ll be looking good enough for a proper picture.
 
Third week of my weekly log, on a role now! I finally managed to see a barber. Getting my hair cut has been a huge boost to my self image. Being able to scratch my scalp is a god send.

Following some advice I got on my outfit, I went shopping for better fitting jeans. I wanted my moneys worth, so I went looking for something like Levi's or G-Star raw. I was expecting to pay £90ish for a pair, but the shop had them massive discounted, down to nearly £30 to £40 a pair, and at 3 for 2 at that! I managed to walk away with three great fitting pairs for £70. I'll start posting future outfits with them in at a later date.

Whilst I was out shopping I decide to being working on my approaches. I set myself the goal of just opening up to 5 woman before I left the shopping center. My technique for doing so was pretty good, I just walked around like a normal pedestrian, and when a suitable woman crossed m path, I immediately stop her and say 'Hi'.

I find this methods works well, because your just speaking to whoever crosses you path, it feels more natural than looking around. You don't have to ask yourself 'do I? don't I?' The moment you see here, you have maybe 5 to 10 seconds until your in speaking range, at which point you just open up. Additionally, because you just crossed paths, it feels a it comes across to her as spontaneous, so she won't start worry about why this random person is speaking to her.

All in all, whilst I did 'open' I didn't really set myself any goals beyond saying 'hi' and asking where the nearest glasses shop was. Hopefully when the bars open, I'll be able to start speaking to strangers and making real progress.

On another subject, my dieting has been going incredibly well. I broke my 2 week junk food ban on Friday as I planned. I was expecting my food to taste amazing after waiting so long, but it was kinda 'ehh?' I guess the expectation and impulse to eat crap is stronger than the actual pay off of eating it. With that in mind, I expect I'll be able to cut back more in the future.
 
I've decide to have a crack at the GLL Approach Anxitey program. I have decide to post my logs here, swell as on their own forums. My first Log begins below:


WHY DO I WANT TO DO THIS!

Looking at the AA program, it is kind of daunting at first. 60 days, with tasks throwing right in the firing line of strangers. I spent most of the day reading through the first two weeks of the program and learning my way around the GGL forum. The part of my brain that’s adverse to hard work is find spotting problems and challenges that are working to deter me away from it, but I’m determined to see this through.

This is something I want to achieve. Not because I was a little sticker at the end of it, but because I want to become a guy who can walk up to women and people I’m interested in and strike up a conversation. I want to enjoy every minute of it, I want to be that guy that other guys envy, that girls wish he’d pay attention too. That being said, I’ve decide to compile a list of reasons why I want to do this, and how it will impact my life if I do. I have also compiled a list of the key challenges I will face along the way, along with my methodology for working around them.


Why I want to do this.
To build a better social life. I want to be able to approach interesting and inspirational people and add them to my life.
For the enjoyment and adventure of meeting new people. I want to be excited at the thought of going out and meeting strangers. I want to be able to walk into a room where I know no one, and know I can make friends.
Social Freedom, be able to approach girls and hit on them.
I want to build my self-image as a strong and confident person.

The challenges
I need to invest the time in this! I work 8 hours a day, with a one hour commute. I expect most of my drills will be done in the evening and at weekends.
Not my number one goal, holding my current job is my priority. I have other hobbies, so I need to train myself to prioritise this one.

I keep telling myself the best time to do this would have been ten years ago, well the, the second-best time then is now!

I live in quite a small town, with only a population of 20,000. There is the concern that I might get caught asking the same person twice for the directions for the nerest pub, so it will be worth driving to the other nearest towns to work on my drills their.
Shame!!! I don’t know why, but the idea that my parents or my friends might find out what I am doing makes me feel incredibly guilty. I need to explore this emotion more.



Day 1

Create a new GGL account – Done
Read the TnC’s – Done
Introduced myself to the GLL community – Done


Day 2

Signed the petition – done
Started this log - done
Start a VLOG - ongoing

Day 3
Started a online dating profile – kind of done
I tried reactiviating my old POF and OKCupid accounts, but it looks like they have both been compromised, I’ll need to go through the recovery system to get them back. In the meantime, to the cold approaches.

Day 4
Walk up to 5 women and ask them for the time. LEAVE – nailed.
For the first set of drills, I decide to go out at night. See how the pubs were in this post lockdown world. I manged speak to two girls on my way to the pubs, but when I got their it was a little tricker than I imagined. A lot of the places had restricted entry, so I was limited to speaking to those who I could approach. Still I managed to find 3 other girls to speak quite easily

In order to tackle the awkwardness of being out by myself, I decide to grab a coke and sit in the corner of a pub by myself for 15 minutes. Old me would have felt ashamed or embarrassed, sitting them by myself whilst everyone else was out have fun. Thing is, no one seem to notice me, no one cared. It felt good to sit their comfortably watching people, in the centre of a world I wish to play more of a part of. I resisted the urge to fiddle with my phone(okay, I fiddled a little) then after 15 minutes I got up and left.

All in all, This was easier than expected. I did something similar years ago following Neil Strauss program, so I have the experience doing thing like this. My major concern was completing this AA program now that I live in a small town. I don’t see many as many eligible women in the street that I’m use too, so I had some apprehension about finding new people to speak too. Thankfully, that didn’t prove a serious issue today. We will see how this plays out in the future.

Day 5
Walk up to 5 women and ask them for the time. LEAVE – nailed.
Walk up to 5 women and ask them for the time, but do the drill faster. LEAVE – smashed.
So I decide to try some day game, and found more women to speak to than I hoped for. Their where no shortage of girls or groups of girls to speak too, but annoyingly, most of the eligible ones where with partners. For the second bunch, It took me longer to speak to 5 but I can chalk that up to the scarcity of eligible women in public. When I saw a girl and decide to speak to her, I committed and spoke to her without hesitation, which I felt was the main goal of that drill, so I’ll count that as a win.

All in all, I think stopping girls in the street, even if they are clearly busy or with friends, isn’t something I struggle any more. I’m looking forward to seeing how I can get use to the more advance challenges further on.

Day 6
Ask one girl for the time, leave. Ask one girl for the time and directions, leave. Ask one girl for the time, directions and if she has been where she recommends, leave. Repeat 5 times - nailed
I imagined this one being like the previous two, just taking longer, and being more akward with all the additional questions. I started asking questions like where’s the best place to get something to eat or where’s the bets place I can sit down for a drink, but when I started to ask ‘Is that place any good?’ I noticed a big change in their behaviour.

When I was asking them for the time and directions, I got a rather automated a response, but when I started asking ‘Is that place any good’ regarding their recommendation, they gave their answer with passion and engagement. As I was walking away, a cute girl even turned around and shouted ‘Try their bacon, butties, they’re amazing!’.

Before I spoke to them, most of them were walking down the street, minding their own business, Lost in their own thoughts or fiddling with their phones. When I stop them and ask them for the time, I dragged them back to the here and now with a innocent and (As far as they can tell) spontaneous question. When I started to ask something personal regarding locations, they still seamed of kilter, but by the time I was asking them about what they thought of the places they were recommending, they were fully engaged in the situation.
I guess a key strategy of the cold approach is approaching them in a innocent and spontaneous way, and them engaging them with what is effectively a meaningful question after you have their full attention. It felt good to connect with these people like this, even if it was just for my drills sake. Hopefully, I can do something more meaningful in the future.
 
Day 7

Same drills as day 6, but faster - smashed

So the purpose of today repeat assignment was the focus on social momentum. This is the idea that when you go out and start to speak to people, you mind enters a state where you begin to become more comfortable and more engaged with socialising. As I was thinking about this idea during this exercise, I definitely noticed it.

When I asked the first person for the time, It felt like a normal drill, but by the time I was on woman number twelve , I was on a roll. The questions and conversations started to flow without hesitation and felt a lot more natural than before. As I was walking home, I had several conversations with dog walkers and other random people in the street, just because I felt like it.

I've always been aware of this principle. Normally when I go out, me and my friends will have pre drinks to start getting ourselves in the mood before hitting the pubs and clubs. Even when I'm by myself, I tend to listen to music and dance around to get myself hyped for socialising.

When you exercise, you need to stretch your muscles and get that blood pumping to get your body in that exercise 'state'. I do similar things at work, I break myself into a hard days work by tackling the easy tasks, and only handle the challenging ones once I'm ready. I expect whatever part of the human brain that handles socialising works just the same.

I really enjoyed this exercise, it showed me how much I enjoyed socialising, It's got me looking forward to the future exercise where hopefully i get to have a more interesting conversation.
 
Day 8 - Smashed

Drills

Time, Leave
Time, Directions, leave
Time Direction, Have you been there?, Leave
Time Direction, Have you been there? Do you like it? Leave

Repeat 4 times.

Today was a good day. I live in a small holiday resort town of around 20,000 people and the weather was great. The promenade by the sea was full of people this evening, so I didn't have far to look far for women to approach. I bumped into a lot of cute french girls but they didn't know where anything was, but I percivered and got the drills done. Didn't feel anxious at all, and once I committed to speaking to them, I went ahead and saw all the drills through.

I'm starting to notice how my own perception of my home town is changing as I'm doing these drills. I use to think it was a boring little town with no one to speak to, but as I'm doing these drills, I'm starting to see the potential adventure and social life I could build here. I want to hold this in my thoughts as I work throught these drills. I want to be in a place where I can draw more happiness from my surroundings, and build a good social life without having to move back to a big city.
 
Day 9 - Smashed
Time, Leave
Time, Have you eaten at [nearby restaurant]?Leave
Time, Have you eaten at [nearby restaurant]? Did you like it?Leave - Smashed

So the purpose of this drill was as Chris says 'To Stick with it' once. I so I went around asking for restaurant locations and I'm glad to say I still felt comfortable hanging around afterwards to ask if they were any good afterwards.

The trick to this week, is your asking them 'Do yo like it?' even if they say no. This is meant to be awkward as Chris describes, but I use to make mistakes like that a lot as a kid, so I didn't have much problem with this.

I did get properly rudely shut down for the first time asking someone for the time. She just didn't brake stride, said no, and kept walking. I felt a pang of negativity, but I managed to brush it off quickly. Glad too see I develop some hard skin. I've spoken to maybe 100 girls now, so the rudeness of one doesn't bother me.

Day 10

Drill - smashed (Kinda)

Time, Leave
Time, do you know if their is a good movie theater here?, Leave
Time, do you know if their is a good movie theater here?, Have you seen any good movies lately? Leave

The purpose this week was to focus on asking questions. After listening to the Audio, I realsied that I have developed a tendency to avoid questions if possible, less I look needy. I'm gonna try and break that habit now. I'm good looking and confident enough that I can turn my question asking into something that comes across as curious and confident, rather than need and attention seeking. All is all, today exercise was pretty easy.

Reading ahead, I've realized I have a 'high fiving' drill coming up. I feel this one would be a bit of a challenge, but with the Covid situation, it doesn't seem like it will be safe or responsible to do it. I'll need to mill on it. I might have to save this one until the pubs reopen fully, and I can high five drunks who won't care.(and wash my hands afterwards)
 
Day 9 - Smashed

Time, Leave
Time, Is there a place that sells cell phones around her? Leave
Time, Is there a place that sells cell phones around her?, What phone do you have? Leave
Time, Is there a place that sells cell phones around her?, What phone do you have? Do you like it?, Leave

Today was a little tricky, but I got the momentum going towards the end. A lot of the tourists in my town didn't know where the phones shops where, so I had to hunt around quite a bit. When I asked where the shops where it felt natural, but when it came to asking them about their phones, When I started to get nosy and ask them about their phones, that's when it suddenly became a little trickier. I noticed that most of the attractive women I approached handled it better than the ones I normally wouldn't hit on, so I guess the confidence of the girl makes a difference as well.
 
Hey bro I'd be cheering for you.

Glad to see another cat dad here.

Plus I laughed when I read you lost your virginity to a Bleach cosplayer (Hope she cosplayed as that vice-captain with the huge tits, not A-Cup-Rukia)

I see you're also doing the AA program.

I've tried it 3 times in the past and the logical part of my brain sabotaged me. I did 10-11 approaches my whole life but never was consistent.

Then, after my first coaching call with KillYourInnerLoser, I went out and approached a girl after walking 5 hours and 14 minutes. This was a new low for me. But, after that day approaching got even easier. He had me do 1/day and then it snowballed into 5. The jerk even had me 15 in a day (only got 1 number and she ghosted me). But it proved to me that you go on dates and get laid, even if you don't complete the AA drills.

I'm sharing the above because you mentioned worrying about some of the more physical drills now with the pandemic. Just know that as long as you do *something* consistently, you can improve your sex life a fugk-ton.
 
If I recall correctly it was a Soi Fon coplayer, I wish it was that Vice captain! girls need to be stacked to cosplayer her!

I find posting and discussing it with people online here really helps keep me motivated! I've noticed huge difference already, I feel much confident talking to strangers in public. I've posted about the physical ones on the GLL forums, thankfully RogerRoger has given us all a pass on them until we feel its safe.
 
Day 12 - smashed(kinda)

Drill
Time, Leave.
Time, Random question - do you know anywhere that sells nice candles? Leave.
Time, Random question - do you know anywhere that sells nice candles, My girl friend is coming over, and I want to prepare a candle lit dinner for her, ? Leave.
Time, Random question - do you know anywhere that sells nice candles, My girl friend is coming over, and I want to prepare a candle lit dinner for her, I'm the sweetest guy ever? Leave.

Repeat x4

Today's drill took me 90 minutes. Not because I failed to approach, but because it just took me that long to find women worth approaching. As I found out earlier, attractive women around my age a lot easier to speak and converse with than others. When I was speaking to someone attractive, It was nice and easy. I got heartfelt 'aww's' when I mentioned I had my girlfriend coming over. As Chris said, my aim was looking sweet and nice, so hopefully that's how I came across.

The less attractive women, the ones I spoke to simply to make up the numbers, would get awkward around the candles question, making me feel awkward as well to start with the girlfriend line. If I couldn't do it right and come across and nice and sweet as I was meant to. If I couldn't get it right, I didn't count it, and kept looking.

I did starting hitting it off with one of the women I spoke to. We ended up walking and chatting for quite a bit afterwards. It turns out she was from around here, so I was kicking myself for feeding her a line about me from being out of town*. It would have been nice to see where things weren't a guy who I immediate assumed was her boyfriend showing up, so I thanked her and left.

*I live in a small town of around 20,000, I know exactly where everything is, so saying I'm from out of town helps grease the wheels.
 
chado Do you mean Sin Silver ? Didn't pop in this thread until now.

But I'll keep what you said in mind. At the rate my country's going, I would be willing to talk to anything that moves, even when they don't have a pussy lol
 
Hey Chado, I appreciate what your saying, when I'm out and about, chatting with random people, doing my warm ups, I do speak to men and other people I don't find attractive. However for the sake of these drills, I try to only speak to attractive women, as they're the ones I want to get better at speaking too.
 
Day 13 - slayed

Time, Leave
Time, Random question- Do you know anywhere that sells good wine?, Leave
Time, Random question- Do you know anywhere that sells good wine?,I got a promotion at work today and want to celebrate, Leave
Time, Random question- Do you know anywhere that sells good wine?,I got a promotion at work today and want to celebrate, What do you recommend? Leave

Repeat four times

Thankfully this was alot easier than yesterday. Lot's more people out, the weather was fantastic, lots of people enjoying the beach. I am starting to become more aware of the fact that the attractive women, especially those who look in a good mood, are easier to speak to. Even thou finding them is really hard where I live, I'm starting to believe it might be easy just to avoid speaking to anyone who looks unhappy or unapproachable.

I 'kept to my guns' and asked what they recommend, even if they said they didn't drink alcohol. It felt unnatural saying it, but hey, That's what the drill demands.

Next session is the hive five ones. Following the advice on the GLL forums, I will be skipping them. It's not safe to do so right now, and I'm going to be getting very different results than intended in this current climate.
 
DAY 17 - Failed

Sing the ABC stack to four girls
1st girl: ABCDEFG
2nd girl: ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP
3rd girl: ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRSTUV
4th girl: ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRSTUV WXY &Z!

So yeah, I have been dreading this one from the start. Everything I have done so far I've felt natural and confident. I was previously going up to girls feeling genuine, but this felt like I was just going up and making myself and others feel uncomfortable.

For the first one, it was a couple of older women sitting outside a coffee shop. I said 'hey, can I borrow you for a sec, ABCDEFG.'' and left before I could get a respounce.

The second one was a young attractive women on her phone. I did the same thing, and she started to nod along with me as I was singing it. I then left quickly left before I could gather a respounce

I was then walking for about 5-8 minutes without seeing anyone worth speaking too. I saw a much older women, and thinking that I had to 'get in there' I went ahead and started the routine, only for her to just walk away at G. This kind a killed my confidence in this moment. I felt like I was being rude and weird, making this person feel uncomfortable by singing the ABC's at them. It killed my confidence for the ABC's

I felt kinda ashamed that I was failing this, but I tried not to beat myself up. It's okay to suck when your learning. To try and get some practise in, so I could better prepare to try again, I decide to go up to random people and say "Hey, can you help me? I'm trying to get over stage fright, and I've been told I need to go sing my ABC's to strangers' are you okay with it?" I know it wasn't what I was supposed to do, but I wanted to try and edge my way towards success, the most attractive girls were really nice about it and I managed to make a nice conversation out of it.

I need to sit down, do a bit of reading, get some advice and try again tomorrow.
 
Sin Silver said:
Sing the ABC stack to four girls
Click to expand...

Damn bro, I was following along your log until I saw this. At the moment, I can't imagine myself doing this HAHA Chris's GLL AA program should definitely be posted somewhere very accessible here in KYIL.
 
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