Spider Jerusalem said:
Day 2: 12/10/2021 
For Day 2's update, I thought I'd post a little bit about my decision to give up dating, sex and dating sites.
I discussed doing this briefly the last time I was on the forums and a couple of members tried to discourage me from being out the game on this for too long which I can understand, but I have decided now to take a long break and go Monk Mode. I'm going to see how it goes, but I'm aiming for a year whilst I focus on my other goals.
When thinking of my dating experience over the last year, the phrase 'comedy of errors' comes to mind and seems highly appropriate. I thought I'd leave you all with a few brief stories below - posting these also helps reinforce why I made my decision to go Monk Mode:
- Was dating a girl for 6 months who I really liked. Very pretty, slim brunette. This guy we went to college with was jealous and liked her: This guy text her from his brother's phone pretending to be my 'secret other girlfriend' and wanted to be the 'shoulder to cry on' after. Made up that I was violent, abusive and a rapist. Fucking Creep. He got found out and dealt with and it all came out in the wash as bullshit, but this girl wouldn't sleep with me as she 'still didn't trust me'. Despite being a good boyfriend and taking her away on holiday, buying presents, travelling to her, looking after her, nothing was good enough. Didn't last and ended in heartbreak. Could've also lead to me losing my career and reputation.
- Got stood up after travelling 3 hours on a train sent a load of abuse and blocked. Shoulda spotted the red flags (psycho bitch), but it was just after lockdown and I hadn't gotten laid in a while. Got stranded in the middle of Bum-Fuck nowhere until I get get home later that night and lost 50 bucks travelling in rush hour. Crazy bitch.
- Met some chick for a coffee date. Travelled to her and made the effort, bought her coffee. After about 10 minutes of giving me 'Not interested vibes' realised it was a no-go, but wanted to finish the date anyway out of politeness. She began to take the piss out of my weight and called me 'Mr. Scrawny'. I have been seriously ill in the past in hospital and lost a lot of weight. Lockdown had not been kind to this girl and she had put on a lot of weight. I could've been very critical back and given her as good as she got, but decided to be the better man and just walked away. My self-esteem and confidence however wasn't exactly great after this one.
- Dated a chick and went back to hers. Another psychopath. She jumped on me when I didn't have a condom on despite me telling her not to. Shook her off, lost my shit and walked out. Get a text out of the blue a couple of weeks later 'You've given me the clap'. Panic attacks for 1 week until I get the negative result test back from the clap clinic. Still panicked for months after over the possibility of her getting pregnant and trying to baby trap me. Technically I was sexually assaulted here. She thought it was really funny. Psycho bitch from hell.
- Went round a chick's place who said I could stay over. Sex was okay until after she said 'Oh I've got work tomorrow you need to leave'. At 9 O'clock at night. Bearing in mind I caught the bus to this place and this chick knew she had work the next day when she said I could stay over. Again ended up stranded, but this time in a very rough part of the city. Lots of shady characters around and druggies. Thought I was being followed a couple of times. Made it home without being stabbed/mugged surprisingly. She wanted to meet again but that ain't Fuckin' happening!
- Talking to this chick which was going really well and arranged a date. Travelled an hour on the train, got soaked in the process and met her. She looked okay. Bought her a coffee and went for a walk for an hour. Date went okay and had good conversation. Asked if she wanted to hang again and she very sarcastically said 'Sure'. and Walked off. Got the 'didn't feel a spark' text on my way home. Another wasted day.
- Cute German Girl - Met for a walk for half an hour then went back to mine. Got into bed and down to underwear. Wouldn't go any further. Turns out she has a boyfriend back home in Germany :| Ghosted for a week and now she says she's 'starting to really like me'. Not interested.
- Hot Latina - Went round hers had wine and she invited me to stay the night. After we got into bed (She stayed clothed) tried to make a move and she told me she 'needs to sleep alone'. I got up and delta'd straight away. Got ghosted the next day. Was stressing for some reason that she'd make up something happened that didn't and try to land me in the shit (You never know).
*A worrying trend that I have begun to notice not just with me, but from speaking to other men: This was the third girl that has gotten into bed with me and refused to do anything. I think this is a very stupid and dangerous thing for girls to do: Me personally I'm a decent guy and if a chick says no, I stop and leave. The next guy might not be a decent guy and won't stop and leave. If a girl says 'stop' the guy should absolutely stop, but putting themselves in this situation is still a very silly and dangerous game for these girls to play. I have now learned from this and I refuse to get into bed with a woman unless she understands that if she gets into bed with me, I will be wanting (and expecting) physical intimacy to occur. If she says no she's not ready, I don't get into bed and leave. The accusations you leave yourself open to here are just not worth it at all*.
- Cute Thai Girl. Long story short she flaked on me 3 times. Gave up and didn't bother texting her back.
This isn't even all of the dates that I've been on. I will come back to dating at some point and I would like to give thanks to @Holden - I have been reading through his logs and have been making notes from his experiences. Some very useful insights and ideas which I may try once I get back onto the dating scene (Likely in a year's time). It's just for me at the moment I can go Monk Mode and avoid:
- Pregnancy Scares.
- False rape accusations.
- STD scares.
- Angry boyfriends I don't know about.
- Psycho bitches from hell who might ruin my career/life.
- Getting stood up.
- Getting ghosted.
- Constant flakes.
- Jealous 'Pussy-men guy friends' causing issues.
- Spending Time.
- Too much effort little reward.
- Spending money.
- Endless swiping and the resultant depression.
- Focusing on nothing else but trying to get laid so other areas of my life depreciate e.g. my sleep pattern.
- The Fucking drama!
'At first I thought my dating life was a tragedy, now I realise it's a comedy'
So for those reasons, I'm out the dating game 
Gonna try take a break for a year and go Monk Mode. During which time, I will bulk up, get a job/career and focus on developing my 'Zero-tolerance for shitty behaviour from women Don't-Give-A-Fuck attitude' for when I am ready to date. At the moment? The juice just ain't worth the squeeze.
I'm still sick, but have done some work towards my goals today:
- Deleted all of my dating profiles
- Put together a Gym workout playlist (Some base tracks for now, but will add music going forward).
- Reviewed the first draft of my C.V from the consulting company. Got a consultation call with them later today :arrow_up:
- Requested this company design me a Linked-In profile and a cover letter which they will do from next week.
- No-Fap still going good. Coming up to 2 days. Bad dating experiences really do well to put you out of the mood!
Bit limited as to what I can do due to still being sick, but I'm doing what I can for now and I'm starting to pick up.
Photos have been posted below for accountability purposes.
Thanks for reading!
Spider
So there is a lot to break down here. The first thing that comes across in your post is that you have a type. That type seems to be "Psycho bitch".
The first step to stop finding yourself in these situations is to ask: why do you keep putting yourself in these situations?
I also have to ask, what do you want from dating?
I assume you're looking for casual ongoing situations and not a more serious relationship. So using that lenses I have to ask what are your boundaries? What are deal breakers that you will end a date and stop talking to these people. Seeing as you repeatedly have the same problems, I get the impression that you let these girls walk all over you because you want some pussy and will trade anything for it.
For each girl, lets look at where you fucked up: -
Situation 1
"- Was dating a girl for 6 months who I really liked. Very pretty, slim brunette. This guy we went to college with was jealous and liked her: This guy text her from his brother's phone pretending to be my 'secret other girlfriend' and wanted to be the 'shoulder to cry on' after. Made up that I was violent, abusive and a rapist. Fucking Creep. He got found out and dealt with and it all came out in the wash as bullshit, but this girl wouldn't sleep with me as she 'still didn't trust me'.
Despite being a good boyfriend and taking her away on holiday, buying presents, travelling to her, looking after her, nothing was good enough. Didn't last and ended in heartbreak. Could've also lead to me losing my career and reputation."
So here you have a situation where you allowed random drama caused by someone else to actually mean something in your relationship. You reacted in a way where you had to be a detective to prove your innocence rather than laughing at the accusation and saying something like "Why would I be bothering with hoes when we are having so much fun" with a smile and a kiss. For her to flip into super suspicion mode, it sounds like you were perhaps not super honest in other parts of the relationship. She didn't trust you and this seemed to bother you to the point where you had to prove yourself rather than brushing this off as a teen movie shit that you had no interest in. The bolded part tells me the frame of this relationship. You thought you were building emotional equity buy buying her affection. You then go on to complain that it was never enough because you weren't getting what you wanted (sex and validation) from this girl. You sound needy and desperate for affection and the truth is the girl lost attraction for you. Rather than giving her confidence in you by being a secure man, you let her define the relationship and you were needy and unattractive. The not trusting you part may have been part of it but from the way you were running the relationship you though of her as an escort who would give you sex in exchange for non-cash based rewards.
Situation 2
"- Got stood up after travelling 3 hours on a train sent a load of abuse and blocked. Shoulda spotted the red flags (psycho bitch), but it was just after lockdown and I hadn't gotten laid in a while. Got stranded in the middle of Bum-Fuck nowhere until I get get home later that night and lost 50 bucks travelling in rush hour. Crazy bitch."
Why are you investing 3 hours of your time into a person you have never met? If you have read this site, the main advice is coffee or drinks close by to see if the girl is investing in you enough to invest back. You only have yourself to blame putting yourself in a situation where you could get stranded and spend a bunch of money on a girl you have never seen before. The reason you did this is because your thirsty. We have all been there, but you should never let your thirst dictate your actions or you will find yourself in this situation. Also don't bother texting abuse, it does nothing and she will just be talking to 10 other guys anyway so it just makes you look foolish.
Situation 3
"- Met some chick for a coffee date. Travelled to her and made the effort, bought her coffee. After about 10 minutes of giving me 'Not interested vibes' realised it was a no-go, but wanted to finish the date anyway out of politeness. She began to take the piss out of my weight and called me 'Mr. Scrawny'. I have been seriously ill in the past in hospital and lost a lot of weight. Lockdown had not been kind to this girl and she had put on a lot of weight. I could've been very critical back and given her as good as she got, but decided to be the better man and just walked away. My self-esteem and confidence however wasn't exactly great after this one."
So the further down I go the more I learn about you. Basically you put others ahead of yourself at your own determent. You value your own time less than how a girl might feel about you. If the vibes were off, call the end of the date and just say, "It was nice meeting you, I hope you find what you're looking for" then leave. If you don't value your own time why should she? In regards to the mocking, there are so many ways to deal with this. The first part is that you're not comfortable with your body, so do something about that to fix it or be ok with it. If you were confident, you would have made a joke like "I haven't found a girl that can cook well enough for me to grow the hwat dad bod". Some call this a shit test, but if your not confident you can always do what Andy recommends which is, assume the girl is socially retarded and leave because you don't owe rude people any of your valuable time. I suspect you thought the date was going well until the mocking came up and now you're looking back for an excuse of why you didn't like her. Sometimes the vibe is off and you can call it that's OK.
Situation 4
"- Dated a chick and went back to hers. Another psychopath. She jumped on me when I didn't have a condom on despite me telling her not to. Shook her off, lost my shit and walked out. Get a text out of the blue a couple of weeks later 'You've given me the clap'. Panic attacks for 1 week until I get the negative result test back from the clap clinic. Still panicked for months after over the possibility of her getting pregnant and trying to baby trap me. Technically I was sexually assaulted here. She thought it was really funny. Psycho bitch from hell."
Why were you even on a date with a girl like this? Not having sex without a condom was a good call for you. But I find it hard to believe a small girl over powered you in the way you have written it here. I've had girls try and put it in without a condom and I just laugh roll them off and put one on and say "you're trying to get us into trouble, I know your greedy little pussy needs me but you will wait a minute". I approach it all from a BDSM frame so this kind of language is congruent with how I portray myself on dates and outside of the bedroom. I have to bring this up again, you picked this girl to spend time with and have sex with, why did you pick such a broken person to spend your time on? This comes back to your overall lack of self respect and thirst.
Situation 5
"- Went round a chick's place who said I could stay over. Sex was okay until after she said 'Oh I've got work tomorrow you need to leave'. At 9 O'clock at night. Bearing in mind I caught the bus to this place and this chick knew she had work the next day when she said I could stay over. Again ended up stranded, but this time in a very rough part of the city. Lots of shady characters around and druggies. Thought I was being followed a couple of times. Made it home without being stabbed/mugged surprisingly. She wanted to meet again but that ain't Fuckin' happening!"
This was your fault. Why didn't you have her come to yours? why are you making excuses for why you don't have your shit together? It's not her fault she kicked you out, yea it's kind of shitty if you made plans to stay over, but she's not responsible for you. You have no value for your time or boundaries, honestly this one made me roll my eyes pretty hard. Where's your accountability here?
Situation 6
"- Talking to this chick which was going really well and arranged a date. Travelled an hour on the train, got soaked in the process and met her. She looked okay. Bought her a coffee and went for a walk for an hour. Date went okay and had good conversation. Asked if she wanted to hang again and she very sarcastically said 'Sure'. and Walked off. Got the 'didn't feel a spark' text on my way home. Another wasted day."
This is super needy. You again travel a significant way to spend time and energy on a person you've never met before. The fact that you see this as another wasted day tells me that you are not learning from your actions at all. This is such a defeatist attitude and shows that you are no where near ready to be dating and a monk mode isn't going to solve this. I literally had a date with a charming girl, really smart and funny super attractive that I took out for drinks locally. I lost track of time and the date ran over to 2:30 hours. I had a lot of fun talking to her but I could feel the vibe was off and when I went to kiss her at the end of the date she pulled away and I got a text which basically said not feeling it. I actually learned a lot from my one:
1: I'm looking for more sexually available girls. When it was clear that she wasn't I should have ended the date
2: Actually set a silent timer to end dates after an hour, you don't need to be out all night to know if you like her even if the conversation is fun
3: I sat in a place where it was difficult to escalate and gauge if there was desire there, I've gotten better at this but didn't plan for it on this date
4: A rejection means nothing, there are 100s of other options nearby and I got to have a cool chat for a few hours on a evening.
All of these things are areas I can improve on for future dates, so by that metric my time wasn't wasted. Try to learn from your actions and stop being a victim.
Situation 7
"- Cute German Girl - Met for a walk for half an hour then went back to mine. Got into bed and down to underwear. Wouldn't go any further. Turns out she has a boyfriend back home in Germany :|
Ghosted for a week and now she says she's 'starting to really like me'. Not interested."
Again what do you want from dating? It's hard to say why she wouldn't go further when she had gotten to that point, maybe you were failing to lead, maybe she had no intention of having sex with you, it's hard to say from what you have written. The bolded part feels like a humble brag where you finally got to turn a girl down. Did you just want sex from this situation? If so just bang the girl and have fun with it, you didn't commit to her boyfriend back in Germany, you're not wearing his promise ring where he's going to walk you down the isle in your beautiful white dress in front of his friends and family. If your morals say you want to put the other guys feeling ahead of your own, that's honorable but your not getting anything for carrying that cross. If you're dating with the intent to have a relationship (which you shouldn't be doing that's a role she earns before you put her on your team) then sure this was one to turn down. As your intentions are unclear, it surprises me that this bothered you so much.
Situation 8
- Hot Latina - Went round hers had wine and she invited me to stay the night. After we got into bed (She stayed clothed) tried to make a move and she told me she 'needs to sleep alone'. I got up and delta'd straight away. Got ghosted the next day. Was stressing for some reason that she'd make up something happened that didn't and try to land me in the shit (You never know).
So looking back through the other situations, your escalation in bed game is non-existent or as tantalizing as Edward Scissor hands running his hands over you. I'm sure there was more to it than "Needs to sleep alone", did you come across as needy and unattractive? probably, if she's not into it that's totally fine that's her choice. You can still leave on good terms and not worry about a charge. A lot of guys massively overblow these types of charges and others are just being stupid to put themselves into situations where this could happen to them. If a girl isn't into you, be cool accept and leave and you shouldn't have any real problems.
Situation 9
- Cute Thai Girl. Long story short she flaked on me 3 times. Gave up and didn't bother texting her back.
You let this happen to you 3 times. The first, sure it happens and you move on. You gave her 3 opportunities to waste your time because you have no self respect and are too needy. People flake so often that its not even worth including in your post above, this obviously hurt your ego so much that she made the list and further portrays you as a victim.
Your whole monk mode thing is a cope for your ego because your not getting the results you want. You can work on your goals while still dating but you need to sort out your boundaries and mental modals to stop ending up in these situations. You are not a victim and you have to stop acting like you are and looking for sympathy from people on the internet. All of your problems are fixable, otherwise I wouldn't have spent my valuable time commenting on your post. So stop crying, pick your self up and look in the mirror at how you are failing and work on fixing it.
