Svadhishthana's log

Yesterday went climbing again after a rest day. Goal was to send V5, but failed there. Got on 2 different problems of the grade, both of which felt very difficult. First problem favored shorter people. I had to start with my knee above my elbows at the start - extremely strenuous position to hold. Once I figured out good beta for the move, my right shoulder was feeling wonky, and the skin on my left ring finger was wearing thin, so I shelved it and hoped the next problem would suit me better. Second problem just had very awkward and difficult moves - start with a hand-heel match, then drop lower and power off the heel to crank up to bad holds, then battle through more bad holds, then enduro on jugs to the finish. I managed to make the first move, but the heel was so painful and awkward that I dropped off. Didn't fare much better on the hard moves after I drop the heel either. But my friend who climbs harder than me also failed to send and said it was harder than a lot of V6s he'd tried.

But after, I worked a V4 traverse. Started pumpy with jugs and poor feet, then a left hand sloper, sink into a low flag below it and cross into a sidepull. Then more good holds with bad feet for more pump just before a second crux to dead point for the top out jug. It was honestly not that hard of a problem, but I should pat myself on the back for a few things. First was good tactics. When I felt the problem was sendable but still difficult, I sussed beta and practiced the cross crux several times, rested, and put a send burn on it. I blew the final huck, which was dumb - I'd done that move before as part of another problem and knew it was difficult. I should have also practiced that part before a proper send go. But after I blew the top, I practiced that move a few times until I felt more comfortable with it. Then rested a while and went for the send - but blew it because I decided to change my beta for the crux in the moment because one of the holds was painful to hold, and I wanted to avoid the pain. I was pretty gassed after this attempt, but rested more, and then pulled on and sent. Things I did well were sussing beta, practicing cruxes, and resting sufficiently. The best thing I did was believing in my ability to still send - to still try hard - even after I was quite tired from my efforts earlier in the day. Things I could have improved - quitting earlier on the second V5 when it was obvious I wasn't close to sending; telling my friends to shut up when I was trying hard instead of talking shit; practicing visualizing during rest periods; warming up properly by climbing volume on easy problems and focusing on breathing and body positioning; fucking around in the morning instead of being prepared, done meditating and working out, ready to go before everyone else; being unclear with myself about what the actual goal of the day was.

So today I will be clear with my intention. I have today, then a rest day tomorrow, then one more day on rock here. My overall goal for the trip is to get an idea of my current bouldering grade. Currently it looks like my grade is V4 - I can get some in a day with some effort, but some elude me. That means that with good rest and multiple days of effort, I could probably send most V4s which are fair for the grade, some V5s, and V6s which match my style. So I will try to verify this by attempting to send more V4s and trying V5s and V6s very briefly to see if they seem possible, and then trying to send the harder grades if they do seem possible. Since my biggest opportunities for improvement are preparation and mental skills, my focus will be on these things - being prepared, using good tactics, being clear with my intentions, believing in my ability to send *today*, and trying really hard.
 
Annoying thing happened yesterday.

After posting here, I wanted to get my shit together. So got my shit packed, did a hangboard workout, and went out with my intention. First place my crew went had a few highball lines. I didn't want to get hurt pitching off the top, so I just walked up the most secure lines and then sat in the shade waiting until we moved on. I was annoyed because I felt I was wasting time not climbing on one of my last days here, and this was my fault because I hadn't been proactive in deciding where to go. This was because I hadn't been clear with myself about what I wanted out of the day - somewhere with shade, warm ups, and some non-highball V4-6 that might be my style. Then I should have researched what areas might have what I wanted, and communicated my preference to the group. But I didn't do that - oh well, I should have made the best of it anyway. It was the first place we visited, and I needed to warm up. I was annoyed the area wasn't perfect for me, but what I should have realized is that it was perfect for me to warm up, with many easy lines in the shade I could warm up and drill on. Importantly, I should have remembered the very simple and obvious fact that no one is forcing me to top out any given line I pulled on - I could have just climbed as high as I felt comfortable and then jumped off or down climbed. Because I had a problems focus instead of a solution focus, I missed the opportunities in front of me. And even if I wasn't stoked on doing that - the area had quite a few other people around, including attractive women, who I could have practiced introducing myself to to work on my social anxiety. Lucky for my dumb ass, most of my friends weren't too stoked on breaking their ankles either, and we headed to another area.

This area was home to a super classic V5 one of my friends was hyping me about. It was a bit tall, but still reasonable, and while the moves looked hard, they still seemed possible. I remembered my intention to try hard, and to believe a send was possible that day, and so I joined rhe crowd working the problem, awkwardly asking to pull on above their pads. I was afraid of embarrassing myself - it was a bunch of cool looking guys, which I was surprised to be intimidated by. And I was afraid of cutting in and not even being able to pull my ass off the ground - often the crux for my tall ass. As expected, I had a hard time with the opening moves - I could barely get my ass off the ground and was only able to limply tap the first hold. I felt some hesitation by my initial failure, but walked off the pads and started stretching my hips out, joking with the other guys about my height. The next time I pulled on, I started with one of my favorite tricks - starting at the end position for the move I can't do and trying to reverse it. Reversing the move felt impossible, but it gave me a better idea of body positioning, so I made some adjustments and immediately pulled back on and started climbing. Start on a decent 2 hand rail with bad smears underneath, scrunched up. Set up smears to turn the left hip in, then lock off to get your ass off the ground. Snatch a small blocky semi sidepull with the left, quickly reposition feet, then reach up right for the shark tooth undercling. Readjust the left smear, hike right foot up to a good big hold, then stand up into the undercling to reach up left to a good crimp. This is relatively easy, as you are now on your feet, so adjust feet to match your plumb line and cross to a good rail with the right, and immediately undo the cross to grab an even better pocket with the left. Then the second crux - work feet up to reach not great crimps with the right, feeling around for the best spot. Then work feet very high on bad footholds in a scrunched position until you can crank on the right crimp, stand up, and grab the top of a small pillar. From there, work feet and slap up bad slopers - doing a beached whale if necessary - to stand up on top.

I made it to the second crux, but was baffled by the bad feet and jumped off. I was still tired from yesterday, and I was tired yesterday, too. But I was surprised by how well I was doing still, despite the fatigue. I tried to use my best tactics - sussing beta, resting between burns, preserving skin. Most of my crew got tired and left, but one friend and I stuck around to keep working the problem. I knew I was powering down, but I was getting closer and closer to sticking the move at the second crux until... I walk up to the problem for a beta burn, reach up to the crimp with a three finger drag, pull on just like I had many times before.... and feel an uncomfortable pop in my wrist. I'm a bit concerned, but keep going with the burn like nothing happened. But when I get to the crux, I don't immediately figure it out and jump down. My hand and forearm feel weird. I immediately dunk them in the cold stream nearby and hold them there until they burn with the cold, then stop burning. But there is still an aching when I pull them out. Fuck.

On the car ride back, I feel my symptoms, remember the incident, and try to self diagnose. There is no localized pain. I feel stiffness and achiness in my index, middle, and ring fingers. There was a pop, but it wasn't audible. It hurts to hold a three finger drag - especially with the ring finger - in my forearm muscle. But I can hold a half crimp relatively pain free. My theory is that my flexors digitorum profundus tendons were under tension when I pulled on the crimp, but then they rolled over a boney protuberance in my wrist and snapped into a different position. This created a shock load on the passive tendon and ligament structures in my hand and fingers, as well as on the finger flexor muscle belly. So, best guess is nothing permanent, or even long lasting. Should respond to reasonable, intelligent loading. But still really annoying, since I won't be climbing hard for the rest of the trip, and probably for the next few weeks as well.

So, fuck. But at the same time, not the worst thing. I can use my recovery period to focus on strength training, improving endurance, getting chores done, and social anxiety.
 
Spent the last couple days being a bit depressed because of my injury, but some light hangboarding over the last two days has also helped it see significant improvement. But, trip is over, back in town, time to get things done. Meeting with my fwb in Utah again in a bit over a week, so want to get everything in order before then so I can enjoy the trip. So I'll knock out a bunch today and get another hangboard sesh in, then can get out climbing later this week assuming my injury feels better. My intention is to take care of these tasks today without stressing about them - instead, realizing that each one is an opportunity to learn something and enjoy my time in this life.
 
Yesterday woke, meditated, Spanish, and spent most of the day running around town buying tools and materials from FB marketplace. Then got back home, kb workout, hangboard workout, and started cleaning up some construction debris that had accumulated and was making the place look trashy. Then went to a friend's place to hang for a bit.

Upside was that I was busy all day and made progress on chores. Downside was that I didn't make time to work on my priority of social anxiety - though it strikes me that I didn't even need to make time. I could have integrated the practice into my day when running around buying things on FB - everyone was friendly, and I had quite a few pleasant conversations. Complimented one guy I bought a sawzall from on his Harley, and another I got some free shingles from on his Mischief Brew shirt. Talked about my life and real estate with a wealthy nearly retired real estate agent when I went to pick up his scrap deck railing, and got offered a job selling solar panels by a nice guy with a neck tattoo in a trailer park when I bought his washing machine. I think the lesson to take away here is that while I was doing these things, I should have been more present with the people, open to the possibility that they would have something interesting to say, and that they might be people I might want to know, rather than being in my head and just thinking about what I had to do next. I need to remember before showing up - everyone is worth my attention, so show up, smile, make eye contact, and be interested in them.

Today - work out, fill some propane, go to Airbnb, drop off propane, fix microwave door handle, replace hot tub cover, replace storm door closer, take inventory, return home, replace dishwasher, fix bed in van.
 
Been spending the last few days in an old plumbing shop disassembling their shelving to salvage lumber. Pretty blue collar labor with my drill, hammer, prybar, and sawzall, but I'm getting several hundred dollars worth of plywood and 2x4s for free. Then I can use those to build a shed in my back yard to serve as a workshop, and a place to work on my motorcycle while I rebuild it.

Kind of annoying, since I have other things that are actually more important to get done, like fixing my vans heater and vent fan, but the opportunity came up now, so it would be foolish not to capitalize on it. One pro is that the work is fairly enjoyable - just mindless work where I can listen to podcasts and audiobooks for hours. And the guy giving me the lumber said I'm a crazy hard worker and he'd give me a job on the spot if he had one available. But the downside is that it is beating me up - I haven't climbed or lifted in a couple days because my tank is just totally empty in the mornings and evenings. But I should finish up this task today. Then finish fixing van bed, and fix vent fan, and replace heater. And clean out my old dishwasher to sell it. Injury is feeling better, so then hoping to get out climbing with friends on Monday.
 
Just been cranking through chores the last couple days. Doing a last bit of cleaning, then off to disappear into the desert to hang with my fwb for a few days. Should be a nice break. After that I'm back in town, and hopefully will regain something of a more normal schedule where I can spend more time on long term goals instead of just cranking through chorin'. But more realistically, I'll come back and still have to do quite a few chores, and then I have a rope access training course the week after. So I'll need to study for that.

It does strike me that all my busy-ness is entirely voluntary. Annoying that I keep wishing I had more time, even though I have tons of time. But I know this is mostly just an excuse, since I waste time constantly. What I am really annoyed about is the amount of time I waste - I have things that need to get done and things I want to do. And even when I was working hard and ending the day exhausted, I was wasting time in the mornings and evenings doing things that were counterproductive to my recovery, like staring at my phone, when I could have been doing better things like going for walks to improve my circadian rhythm, journalling and planning my next day, or doing my dishes. It really is a vicious cycle - staring at a screen makes me tired, so I don't feel like doing anything, but then doing nothing is boring, so I look at a screen. He typed while looking at a screen.

Oh well. Off to fuck a girl on top of a desert tower.
 
Back from the desert. Good time, cool spot, but ran into an issue. My friend is quite subby, so she blew me a lot, which was great. But when I went to fuck her, I would go soft. Super annoying, and a bit of a wake up call. It's time for me to admit that it's time to end my experiments with fin. While I haven't posted much about it here, I started on it about 2 years ago. I got on and gradually ramped up to one pill per day, then noticed sides - ED and depression - and got off. Then became worried about my hair loss again and got back on it, even more gradually this time, and maxed out my dosage at 1/4 pill 3x/wk. But even at this dosage, the sides are still too much to be worth it - what's the point in looking good enough to fuck hot girls if my dick doesn't work to fuck them? I think it might also be a contributing factor to my overall sense of fatigue and malaise. So I'm gonna gradually ramp down until I'm totally off the stuff in 2 months. If I really can't live without hair, well, what better excuse to take a trip to Turkey?

Back in town now, and getting excited to dig in on personal projects and self improvement.

Listened to a bunch of podcasts while driving. In one on training for climbing, they talked about how Steve Bechtel had actually walked back his position on not training general aerobic work for climbers. And in another, Tim Ferris and MMM talk about the benefits of walking. And I remembered Huberman's advice about getting sunlight as early as possible. So I think I'm gonna begin starting my days with walks outside before I drink coffee. It's enough convergence of benefits to convince me to do something.
 
Yesterday took care of a bunch of chores. Got a lease renewal signed. Went outside for a bouldering sesh. Then hangboarding and kettlebells.

Today I have an interview for a potential side gig as a rope access tech repairing windmills. Then running up to my Airbnb to take care of a few more chores - fixing the microwave, taking inventory. Then wrapping up a few more things down here - oil change on vehicles, starting on taxes. Actually enjoying cranking all this out. Every chore I get done is a little more weight off my shoulders.
 
Interview went well. Guy basically said that as long as I pass my rope access course and am not an idiot or an asshole, I'll have a job. It seemed like 90% of the interview was him trying to sell me on working for the company - explaining how fast I'd get promotions and pay raises, talking about how safe they are, telling me how I'd have even more opportunities to make money with overtime and double overtime work. Blue collar employers kick ass! Downside is that he implied that they expect me to become a full time employee, which isn't really what I want - what I'm looking for is redundancy in my income-earning abilities, and a gig I can pick up and put down when I feel like it. I assumed I would need to make an initial commitment to learn the skills and gain experience and industry contacts - but I'm certainly not looking to burn through my whole year until November every year. The question is if I tell them that in the second interview they give me, which may lower the chance of me getting hired. And I think the right move is to tell them. While they seem like a good company, and it seems like I'd learn a lot of useful and profitable information from them, keeping secrets like this, that are important for them to know, is part of what made me miserable working in software. I think for me, it is psychologically important to be honest here because it is an action which directly targets my financial insecurity. By putting myself out there and actually asking for what I want, I am training my brain to remember that I am in a strong financial position already. I have passive income, I have a buffer, I have the ability to use my passive income assets to create active income, I can get low skill work easily through my contacts, and I can try getting high skill work as a software developer already. And with how easy it was to basically get offered this job, I shouldn't have much trouble finding another company that might be more accommodating to my desires.

Anyway, yesterday took care of some chores, then kbs, and got out bouldering.

Today, gonna repeat the trick. I have a big list of chores. Gonna do one small thing on each of them to knock them out quick. Then lift. Then boulder. Then I need to get home, shower, and eat dinner. More chores to take care of tomorrow, then have a hinge date planned relatively early, then I need to go to sleep early to wake up early and be ready for my first day of training Monday.
 
Yesterday woke up, meditated, duo, took care of some chores, kbs, hangboarding, then went out and spent the afternoon bouldering.

My local area has annoyingly stiff grades - in other areas I can often flash V3 and get V4 with some effort. Yesterday I failed to send even some V1s. Guess that's what you get when your area is established by guys with something to prove in the 60s and then accumulates 6 decades of polish. But it's not really anything to complain about - sandbagged or not, it's still good training. It just doesn't feed me ego as well. But some things I noticed about myself yesterday -

I don't like to lock off. I was taught as a beginner to "hang off my bones" and conserve energy as much as possible by using straight arms. This is a roped climber's mentality - moving smoothly and efficiently to climb through many meters of somewhat difficult moves. Being tall, I'm a big fan of this strategy - my additional weight and longer lever arms make holding strenuous positions even more strenuous, and I can often figure out beta to skip extremely strenuous cranking moves by making a big extension and reaching past them. But bouldering, I have no choice but to bend my elbows, a lot. It's mandatory for me to make bunchy moves in small boxes that many boulder problems demand.

I also noticed that I'm not a big fan of dropping into deep squats - probably for the same reason I don't like bending my elbows.

I'm definitely too snatchy with my movements. I need to remember that when I make a move dynamic, my movement should start by sagging out, then snapping in and up, *then* reaching for the next hold - not desperately slapping for the next hold as I fall out from the wall. This seems to occur mostly when I am on bad holds in strenuous positions, which makes sense - it's difficult to generate momentum in a strenuous, tenuous position. But it's also counterproductive. If I'm snatching the next hold, then there is still momentum in a strenuous position. It's just that I get to delay the moment of maximum effort, at the expense of making that effort even more difficult. That is, I'm hesitating out of a fear of making an effort, which results in even more effort later and an increased chance of failure. Nice little life lesson there.

Finally, the biggest thing I noticed is that I simply avoid trying hard. I seem to always keep looking for that key foothold or body position that will let me sink into a rest stance, instead of simply accepting that the moves are hard and I have to try.

So a few takeaways - I really need to hash out a good off-wall warmup to do. Since warming up specific muscles and movement patterns primes for their use, I should spend this time warming up those things I want to focus on using most - lockoffs, core tension, deep squatting positions. So maybe something emulating a horizontal and vertical lockoffs with a band, then some hallow holds, then Cossack squats. And as part of my warm up, set an intention for the session. And in my on-wall warm up, practice these movements and the intention.

Anyway, not relevant for the immediate future since I have my first rope access class tomorrow, and I expect I will have neither the time nor energy to climb for the next week.


Today is for taking care of chores and trying to get ready for the course tomorrow.
 
Went on a date Sunday night. I honestly wasn't looking forward to it - I knew I had to wake up early Monday to start my RA course, and the girl seemed a bit combative over text. And because she also had to wake up early, we scheduled to meet at 7 - daytime this time of year, which I dislike for dates. But I figure it'll be a good rep to get in anyway. So I show up and tell her I'm there - and she texts back apologizing that she mixed up the times and will be there in 15. Okay, whatever - I go to the bar and get a beer and call my mom for Mother's Day. Soon she shows up, and I'm pleasantly surprised to see she's a reverse catfish - hell yeah. We get to talking - she graduated as a mech-e, paying her way through school by being a welder, and now works on the business side of things at a construction company where she's the only girl in a company of 150 dudes. The conversation flows naturally, and I'm feeling pretty good. But at the same time, I'm already anticipating no lay - we both have to wake up early, and the clock is running out, so I figure I could plant the seed for a second date and kiss her. She kisses me back but pushes me away, saying she doesn't want to do it in the bar, so we finish our drinks and walk to her car. As soon as we get there she is super enthusiastic - she's aggressive and vocal, and admits she can cum via nipple stimulation, so I make that my mission. I manhandle her, get her bra off, and finger her over her pants, and pitch going back to mine a couple times, but she says she doesn't fuck on the first date. And since she doesn't fuck on the first date, she didn't shave her pubes, and she doesn't want to fuck without shaving her pubes. So with that option totally shut out, we just fool around like teenagers for a while before we both reluctantly decide we need to go to bed at around midnight. She pitches a second date at her place Friday to "watch a movie" before we leave, and I agree. The next morning, I wake up to see she sent me a middle finger emoji at 4:30 for keeping her up so late. Lol.

Yesterday was the first day of my RA course. So woke up *way* too early considering how late I'd stayed out the night before, blearily drank some coffee, and commuted to the training site, grabbing fast food breakfast on the way. The instructor and all the other candidates were cool, everyone there for about the same reasons, and we talk about shit we've done climbing and canyoneering. As expected, I already know how to do most things, and just need to adjust a bit to fit the safety standards. I finish most of the exercises first, and then repeat them trying to make them more fucked up for a better challenge.

After that, came home, ate dinner, took care of chores, and went to bed way earlier. I had another date set up for Monday night, and was grateful she asked for a rain check - probably means she'll flake on Wednesday now, but fuck it, I need the sleep.

One fail yesterday was that I ate out 3 different times - a real hemorrhage for money and health. I woke up too exhausted to cook breakfast, didn't pack a lunch, and was tired afterwards so didn't want to cook dinner. So lesson learned (yet again) - go to sleep early, do meal prep, and take care of as many morning chores as possible the night before.
 
Second day of RA course down. As expected, my body is feeling more beat up as the week goes on - a good endurance challenge of sorts. Yesterday I got home and pretty much just laid down and didn't move until I fell asleep. Hopefully I can stay awake for my date tonight, lol.
 
Just did my course eval. 100% on the written portion, no discrepancies on the practical portion, and the evaluator said I should work for his company rigging stages for concerts. Now to chill out for a couple hours, then go to Sunday girl's place to bang her. It's a good day.
 
LAY 21:

Easiest goddamn lay ever. I finish my course eval, go home, shower and chill for a bit, then drive to hers. Get there, take about 30 seconds to say hello, then start making out. We have a few drinks and watch TV while making out, feeling each other up, and talking shit. She doesn't want me to take her shirt off before the sun goes down, so I tease her that I can guarantee she'll be the one taking it off for me. She reeeeeally likes to talk shit and wrestle, giving me jabs for being a nerd and climbing on top of me. But she likes doing it so I'll give it right back and tell her she's a trashy bitch while I pull her off me and pin her down. And she mentioned on our first date that she can cum solely from nipple stimulation - a fact I liberally took advantage of, especially since she has excellent big tits. Eventually we get down to business - she sucks a good dick, and then changes her behavior and starts begging me to fuck her. I gladly oblige, and suddenly she's all compliments, telling me I'm perfect and my dick is amazing. She cums, I cum, we cuddle for a bit and chill some more, then go for a second round before I head home.

And now we're texting with her saying she wants me to keep coming around regularly to fuck her. It's almost hilarious how perfect she is.

=============

Today was a rest day. I've been getting super worked over for the past week, so I knew I wasn't doing shit today.

Tomorrow, back at it.
 
Been hammering away since the last post. Mostly focused on taking care of chores. I think what I really need to do is take some time for self-reflection and evaluation of various goals and how I am focusing my time. But then, I keep doing that and it keeps feeling a bit masturbatory. But I also feel like I am stuck on a treadmill of chasing second tier tasks instead of focusing on my top tier goals.

Saw the girl from the last lay report again last Wednesday. She seems extremely down to make this a casual, regular thing, which is great.

I happened to listen to an interview with Dave Macleod again recently, where he talks about low carb diets. Every time I hear him talk about it, my interest in them reignites. Macleod notes the benefits are:
- Less body fat
- More athleticism
- Better sleep
- More energy
- More injury resistance
- Resolution of chronic inflammatory conditions
- Resolution of moderate depression and anxiety

Which is quite the laundry list of fantastic outcomes - typically something that would make me chalk up such a solution as snake oil. On the other hand, Macleod is a published academic in both sports science and nutrition, is commonly cited as being the best all-around climber in the world at 45, and consistently presents a thoughtful, logical, and skeptical view on many topics. Add to this my own experiment with the keto diet a few years ago where I personally experienced fat loss and improvements in energy, mood, sleep, and executive function.

So I just ate the last tortilla in my kitchen, and I'm gonna stop eating carbs - for a while at least.
 
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