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Svadhishthana's log

Yesterday - went to welding class. Pretty boring since it was just shop intro/ don't lose your fingers class. Me and 5 other guys who all looked pretty blue collar just stood around and nodded while the guy running the class explained how to use chop saws and belt sanders. Objectively, I could have done better here. Whole group was pretty taciturn, so I didn't feel very enamored with the idea of talking. Additionally, it takes about an hour to commute there, and I was tired when I arrived, and it was cold out, and boo hoo hoo. My ideal self would shake off or find solutions to these minor discomforts and make the experience enjoyable and social. After all, I'm learning new things (or at least completing necessary steps in learning new things that I want to learn) around people with similar interests - an ideal opportunity to socialize and make friends.

Solutions for next time:
- arrive early. Can use the time to nap/rest/eat if tired. Can also write a logical thesis on why I should be happy and excited to be there, why socializing will be enjoyable and good in the long run, and how it isn't that hard to just smile and say hello to people and joke around about shit.
- Bring more layers than you expect. Prepare these the day before so you are ready and don't forget.
- If you are cold or tired just before the class, do some kind of exercise like walking around or push ups to warm up and get some energy.

Today:

- Call another nutritionist (this one in network for my insurance - the one yesterday was pricey... seems they all are. Worth it to try to get someone else to pay for it.) (3)
- Bouldering w/ friends. Can use same solutions as I came up with yesterday to get psyched if needed. Hopefully some other people there I can introduce myself to. (1,2)


Tomorrow:
- Physio in the morning. (3)
- Political rally in the evening. (2,4)
- Maybe go to a show at a local music venue. Extremely nerve wracking (2,4)

Next Wednesday - kink meetup. Holy shit I'm nervous about this.
 
Yesterday, went bouldering with friends and followed my own advice. I showed up early, and spent some time beforehand reviewing with myself the attitude I wanted to have during the session.

Beautiful day, excellent condis. Because of a few internal reminders to myself about the person I wanted to be, I had fun, was fun to be around, was a leader in the group, and sent a problem that had been on my list to take down for a few years now. 10/10, no notes.

Today, went to the PT for my ankle, contacted another nutritionist who I think I'll actually work with. Unfortunately, have been feeling pretty beat up the last couple days. Haven't been sleeping well, and have been skipping workouts because I felt they'd do more harm than good with my state of recovery. Starting to think that either I've picked up a cold, or else that this might be an aftershock of the illness I had before.

Later today:

Political rally

Will skip going to the show tonight. It would have been a good mental challenge, but with how my I am feeling physically I feel like I should go to bed early and try to rest more.

Tomorrow:

Climbing w/ a friend (1,2)

Maybe a concert or something if my physical health is feeling better. (1,3,4)
 
Yesterday: Mentally cratered in the evening due to feeling the return of physical symptoms of my illness. Extremely frustrating from feeling healthy and motivated to exhausted and depressed *again* for reasons mostly outside my control.

But tried to sleep well last night, and feeling a bit better today.

Today: climbing outside w/ friends. Will be a good exercise in maintaining a good attitude and optimism when feeling crappy. Already late, so rushing this post.

Tomorrow:
nothing planned. Will need to find something when I get back.
 
Yesterday:

Felt tired and unmotivated in the morning - symptoms of my illness. But left the house to go climbing with some friends. As I was driving out to meet them, I was feeling other symptoms - headache and sinus pressure - and considered just turning around to go back to bed. But reframed - it didn't have to be the best day ever out climbing. But light exercise and sunshine would be good for my recovery, and the real point was to see my friend who had just moved back to town. I had a headache and was feeling tired and fatigued - a good opportunity to practice having a good attitude even when everything isn't perfect.

I show up, climb one pitch, talk some shit, and generally have a good time, so that's a win. But I could have done better being friendly and introducing myself to other people at the crag when I showed up. And I also should have remembered that I could have still improved my climbing by leading a couple easier routes to work on technique and head game rather than just topping something hard.

Half the crew leaves, and I stick with the other half to head to a boulder problem my friend is projecting, which I'm also working on. There is a couple there also working it, and and the convo flows naturally - but again, definite room for improvement where I could have been more outgoing, welcoming, and interested in them. I make a little progress on the boulder before my skin wears through, and we head to the bar.

I drink water and shoot some pool. Good day out. We say goodbye and head our separate ways.

That was object level. But on the emotional level, I had a very different day. While bouldering, I heard that my friend's ex who I'd been flirting with in Mexico had gotten back with him in a situationship kind of deal. Which made me feel like shit. Sure, it would have been a very morally gray lay - but feeling like I've lost the opportunity still hit me hard.

Then at the bar, got some messages from SF Poly girl which reminded me she'd be meeting me in Utah... travelling with her new partner.

I didn't say anything about this, and just shot pool with my friends (poorly), but was having a hard time holding my emotions in check as I felt the head-in-a-vice feeling and the Imma-puke feeling at the same time.

Again, I try to remind myself that this is a good problem to have. But this helps very little to dampen the feelings I have of... what? Well, feeling like I can't adequately get my sexual needs met. Feeling like in order to - the expectation women have for wanting to have sex with me is that I can easily get my sexual needs met so I won't be needy or clingy and they can feel like they are one of multiple options I have; but since I'm not getting my sexual needs met, I can't meet that expectation and therefore will never live up to this standard in a head-smashing Catch 22. Feeling like I'm a loser because everyone else around me is having a good time and isn't dealing with this shit, has lots of options and can get whatever they want because they are intrinsically better than me.

These thoughts are running through my head as I get back to my car and see I missed a call from a friend. She's a hot girl who I met because she was a tenant of mine a while ago, who became someone I'd consider a good friend. Now she was moving back to the city with her boyfriend, and we'd agreed they could move in to my place while they looked for a house together in the city.

We talked about details of her moving in, and what was going on in her life. She asked about my health and all that. Then, with a fair bit of nervousness, I asked if she could play councillor for me, and told her some about my situation with SF Poly Girl and how I was feeling. She gave me a reframing exercise she'd used successfully in the past. Felt good to talk about it with a trusted friend, and this is honestly a pretty big step for me, as one of the biggest things I struggle with is building a support system of real life friends to talk about sex stuff with.

Afterwards, though, I drove home and still had these thoughts swirling. Went for a short walk, got pissed at myself for just walking which wasn't doing anything to improve my situation, so I got out the grinder and welder and spent some time working on a project on my van to take my mind off things and be productive.

Went to sleep, then woke up at midnight with a pounding headache, cursing myself for drinking so much at the bar... before I remembered that I hadn't drank anything but water. Probably a combo of my illness, some dehydration, and the tension I was carrying in my head from the emotions I was dealing with. Spent a couple hours just laying in bed feeling my pounding headache and shitty feelings. My old demon made an appearance for a while - "you're such a fucking loser. There's just something wrong with you, that's why you have to work so hard and struggle so much to get so little. Just blow your brains out. It's not like the world would miss out on much." I just sat with these feelings for a while, hoping some acceptance of them and exposure would take the edge off and make me more resiliant in the long term. Eventually popped some ibuprofen for the headache, and watched Spanish videos until I felt tired enough to go to sleep.

As I was falling asleep, a thought came to my head that felt like a good defence against my feelings. Action. What am I doing? What do I want to do, and what am I going to do? Are these things driven by the principles I want to live up to of honesty, kindness, and respect for myself and others? Am I caring for others with my actions? Or am I simply trying to selfishly protect my ego? Deciding to pass my desires and actions through this filter gave me some relief, and I fell asleep.

Today:
- Actually do first set of PT exercises for my ankle, which I've been procrastinating due to illness and emotional turmoil.
- Message SF Poly Girl about how I'm feeling through the filter I established for myself.

Nothing on the docket that is fun or social - but I'll keep an ear open. And really, just being productive today and knocking out as many chores as possible would be a big win, since I'm skipping town again soon.

Tomorrow:
- Bouldering w a friend. Fun, social, but getting repetitive. Should look for something else to do that would push my comfort zone. Do stupid things faster.
 
Yesterday:
After sending a message over to SF Poly Girl about how I was feeling, I was super ugh and not particularly pushing my limits. But she got back to me with a voice message that was like "I feel you and support you and appreciate you communicating honestly, and I can't wait to bang." And then I felt better.

Also went out bouldering w some friends. Given my emotional state, I was surprisingly social and open and fun, but the focus was on having a good time rather than improving myself.

Did my first PT session for my sprained ankle. Six more weeks to go.

Today:
Trying to get back in the saddle. Had a couple beers yesterday to deal with stress, so lazy morning. And then was planning another bouldering sesh... but just got a message that I need to fix my hot tub, so I expect that's what I'll be doing with my day today.

But feeling more energetic and less sick again, so hoping to get back to training this evening at least.

Tomorrow:
Kink community event. Sure Imma be terrified, but.... do stupid things faster.
 
Yesterday:

Pussed out of going to kink event. Really fucking dumb. Was working on a project, looked up from the welder, and I was already 15 min late. Immediately just thought "ugh" - felt super tired already, and the idea of showing up to this thing, now late, was already making my heart pound. Talked myself down a bit - who gives a shit; it's a chill social event. Still, already "fucking up" threw me, but I told myself "you don't have to go, but at least take a shower and get dressed" while I pounded a beer to calm my nerves. Then after, I said to myself "you don't have to go, but you can at least drive there". So I did that, too. Eventually got there an hour and 15 after the event started, and was sitting in my car when I start getting texts from my friends ex who I'd had a thing with in Mexico - apparently she's giving him another chance, contingent on him getting his alcoholism under control and also opening up their relationship. I get caught up texting her, and by the time I'm done, I'm 2 hours late. I say fuck it, turn around, and go home.

Today:
Went to the doc this morning and got more blood drawn to do some more tests.

The alcohol I drank last night really killed me. Dragged ass all day.

Before the day is over, need to do my PT and research the next kink event coming up so I can redeem myself.

Tomorrow:
Nothing planned, probably chores.
 
Also just got told by a girl on Hinge that the "sexy" opener is getting hidden/blurred/something as "disrespectful" on the app. I assume this is common knowledge around here? Anybody have a good bold opener that doesn't get flagged so I don't have to roll my own?
 
Yesterday:
Wrote that post late, so really no updates.

Today:

Got in first lifting session in over a week. The 35 lb bar left me fatigued, since I'm still not feeling close to 100%. This illness sucks. Can't wait to get my blood work back. Hopefully it shows something definitive.

Meanwhile, found out today that the girl I know in Oregon now has a bf. We'll see how that goes... she's moving back here in the fall for school and is still friendly. She might break it off, but I'm not counting on it. Meanwhile, my fwb from last summer might be blowing me off for good. She said she got a new place with roommates who don't allow men, and that she doesn't want to fuck in my van.

Did research. Next kink event is the third. Double booked with a date I had planned, but I'll flake on the date. It was scheduled more than a week out, so 90% she'll flake anyway, plus based on her pics I think she's fat. Facing my anxiety is more important than going on a bad date.

Tomorrow:
Was supposed to climb with a friend, but body feels beat and the weather is bad. Probably just chores.

===

Gotta say, I feel like my life sucks right now. Sick with some illness I still don't have a handle on. Feel like I've lost all my progress lifting. Feel like I've lost all the girls in my life. Everything is hopeless and I'm a worthless piece of shit and I should just kill myself - stupid thought, but it's there anyway. And really what I want is someone actually in my real life who gets what I'm going through and is empathetic, but I'm such a fucking autist that I can't open up to any of my friends because I think they'll judge me.

But really, my life is going pretty okay. I am mostly fit and healthy and am getting modern medical care for the issue I have. I don't have to spend my day grinding away at a desk job I hate, and instead can work on my own projects that are personally meaningful. I know what my social/emotional/sex problems are, and I have many things I can try in order to fix them.
 
Yesterday:

Fwb texted me back and said she didn't want to see me because she was going through a mental health dip and was dealing with some family issues. I offered my support, we chatted a bit until she was feeling good enough for us to trade some insults. We'll see if it's still on.

Today:

Basically just chores and fucking around. Idk whats going on, if it's because I'm sick or what, but the motivation I had a week ago seems trapped in my head.

Tomorrow:

Nothing planned, and looks like shit weather. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of making excuses...
 
Yesterday:

Went to welding class. Good instructor, other classmates were friendly and took an interest in the projects I'd already made. Had a good time, and was reasonably social, though this was limited by the fact that everyone was focused on the learning and instruction. Only problem - I showed up 40 minutes late because I forgot the class was that morning. No biggie as far as learning the actual material, but a failure on my part since that's not the way I want to present myself to the world and because I missed out on potential opportunities to make social connections.

Will solve this problem by making calendar reminders for events the day *before* they happen. Although a better solution long term would be to have a daily calendar review in the evening.

Afterwards, spent the day doing chores.

Today:

Friend is in town, visiting from Cali, so spending the afternoon hanging with her at the boulders.

New tenant moving in.

Figure out something fun/social to do tomorrow.

Tomorrow:

Nothing planned.
 
Yesterday:
Went bouldering with my friend, but sesh got cut short when she landed badly and sprained her ankle - so spent a lot of the day in the urgent care, and then hanging with her until I dropped her off at the airport. Good thing about having good friends, is that she stayed in pretty good spirits the whole time, so it wasn't really much of a drag.

Got back home and made a custom device to help with the PT for my own ankle sprain.

Today:
Did some research, and am gonna check out a maker space close to me. Also found my local burners Facebook page - I think if I link in with them, it could be a good scene for me - spend time hanging out with hippies making trippy psychedelic art using my construction and welding skills, then leverage the connections and social status at burns and the greater art community. Lots of overlap with with kink, tech, and music scenes, so seems like a good fit.

Later gonna go back to the boulders with another friend.

Tomorrow:
TiG class. Finally! What I've been wanting to learn. So stoked!
 
Yesterday:
Dunno wtf was going on yesterday, but my OLD was on fire. Was chatting with, like 5 girls simultaneously. And weirdly, the convos were going excellent. Unfortunately, timing is difficult so I will prob lose the opportunities from two who won't be available until I've skipped town. But have one date scheduled for tomorrow night and another for Friday.

Today:
online meeting with a nutritionist this morning.
TiG class in the evening.

Tomorrow:
Either date or kink event. Date tomorrow was tentative, so we'll see.
 
Yesterday:
TiG class was cool - fuckin stoked to do more of that!
Got date tonight confirmed.

Today:
Work training. Just a refresher on fall protection. Should be easy.

Date w/ physical therapist. Annoying, since I could be challenging myself to go to the kink event. Maybe I'm just procrastinating. But girl is hot, so it's like, why am I even on this forum if I'm not gonna fuck hot girls?

Tomorrow:
Second work training. Refresher on fall rescue. Easy.

Date w/ cute, straightforward girl

Saturday:
Leave town, head to the desert.
 
Yesterday:
Did work training. They actually double booked me for two sessions of the same training, so no need to return today. Passed everything no problem.

Went on the date. My vibes were excellent. She was into me, strong eye contact, smiling and laughing pretty much the whole time, some contact. Hot body, great, funny, intelligent personality. She grew up poor in a broken home, speed-ran through college, worked several years through her early 20s, and was currently finishing school to become a physio. Pitched kissing in the bar, she didn't want to because she didn't like pdas. So we finish 2 drinks each and I say "let's get out of here, and check out the trippy shit behind the bar on the way out." So we go out, we're alone, I go for the kiss, she smiles and kisses me, smiling and enjoying it. So I pitch - "your place or mine?". And then she's just like "I'm not sleeping with you tonight." She has some excuses lined up - she has a thing tomorrow morning, she is about to start her period, this week is the one year anniversary of her brother's death... all maybe partial reasons. And then she gets to the big one - she thinks I'm just gonna pump and dump, and starts talking about how she doesn't want that. She's been hurt too many times before. She doesn't want to do that anymore. She doesn't trust me, I'm just like all the other guys. As she's saying this, I reassure her that I'm not gonna do that, I am open and honest in my communication, that I want something casual but I will also care about how she feels. She seems about ready to tear up, so I put my arm around her and she leans in and puts her head on my chest. She says she doesn't want to sleep with me tonight, and if I'm actually serious about not just banging and leaving then I'll still be interested in "a few hours". I say, "okay", we kiss again and head our separate ways. I text her that we can talk tomorrow, and she agrees.

I think I might have been able to pull, but I was a little awkward at some points, and also one of her responses when I tried the pitch was "don't you live in a van?" This is true, and it is a real cramp in my ability to get laid. It saves me a ton on rent/lost income from my rentals - but I've decided now that the juice isn't worth the squeeze. I'm gonna start living in one of the rooms in my rental once a room opens up so that I don't have to keep giving girls this excuse. I know, I'm retarded and should have accepted this fact sooner. But better late than never.

Today:

Talk to Physio Girl.

Commit to nutritionist.

Talk to doc about lab results.

Early date with Monkey Girl (so named because she said she wants a banana).

Tomorrow:
Pack and leave for the desert.
 
Yesterday:
Texted back and forth with girl from the day before. She says she's open to meeting again when she's in a better headspace. I say sure, I'll be back in town in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes.

Then date that afternoon with another girl. I hate doing dates on Fridays because the bars are always crowded, but knew this was my only shot since I was leaving town today. So I pitched a date at 5 to beat the crowds - she was super compliant and seemed fine with it. But then yesterday, she says "actually, could we go to a different bar? I went to that one recently." Okay, sure, whatever. I pitch my usual backup bar. She's been to that one too. She pitches one, I say yeah sure... and then she says "no wait, I've been to that one too." I'm annoyed, but she says she'll find a place, so whatever.

She picks the place later that day. Great. But then 20 min before the date she says "soooo... it's snowing..." Okay. I'm about to pitch just grabbing some drinks and meeting at her place, because fuck it, I'm a gentleman, when she says "so can we do an hour later?" Yeah whatever.

I show up 15 min early. Been hungover all day from the two hazys I had the night before (jfc recovering from this illness sucks), and I order a beer to take the edge off and get in the zone. I'm not a fan of the bar. It has Beef'O'Brady vibes. Mostly people in their 40s and 50s, kids running around, brightly lit at this time of day. Not feeling super stoked and not digging the vibes. Girl shows up and she almost kinda blurts out in the first 5 minutes that she just broke up with her bf, and they'd gone to all the bars around me before then, which explained her hesitance to return. She gets a very mediocre chicken sandwich and no drink, we chat a bit. Super stilted. When she finishes her sandwich, I say "so, wanna get out of here?" "I think I'm just gonna go home." Not surprised. I pay and leave - honestly, not bad for wasting my time. Had a beer and only spent about an hour. But at the same time disappointed that someone so open and forward about sex was just completely out of it.

I think I definitely could have improved on a number of points here. First of all, I should have sucked it up and planned the date for later in the night. Second, should have shot down her suggestion for the bar - I knew it had shitty vibes. Third, I should have gotten myself more stoked and personable before she showed up. Forth, I should have scoped a better place to sit. But I think that I really would have had to been totally on top of my game to make this happen, as the outcome was decided ahead of time - she was horny at home when she was messaging me, but then when it was time to actually get together she got cold feet and only showed up out of politeness. Once again, a reminder that nothing is guaranteed until you put your dick in.

Today:
Laid around in bed, took care of a few more items on my list. Packed. Heading to the desert.

Tomorrow:
Finish commute to the desert.
 
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