Upstart's AA Program Log

Upstart · Jul 16, 2024

JULY 12th DAY 67 (of 90)

I went out for a quick 20 min walk and said hi to a couple bouncers. one I knew and one I didn't. Then came home.

I realize that my social activity comes and goes in waves. one day I'll be on, the next I'll be off, it's not exactly robotic like that, but you get my point.

I want to approach like a machine, but sometimes I just need to stop for a second and reset.

JULY 13th DAY 68 (of 90)

So I took a break this weekend.
I had work early mornings, but that's not exactly why I took a break.
I can't properly tell when my social battery runs out. But social tiredness feels much different from physical or mental tiredness.
I just feel less inclined to go out and interact. I consider going to work and interacting being "out" so I'mma called it for the night and daygamed on Sunday.

JULY 14th DAY 69 (of 90)

I only talked to one girl with a tattoo, there were very few other options around, but this was the only one I felt brave enough to talk to. She was def overweight, but not ugly or anything. She was my age and we had a nice convo about her tattoos and their costs.

Before her, I had asked two store clerks for directions and told one lady her shirt looked nice. I went to two different grocery stores then went home.

What I've Noticed about my Life...

I've come to realize that there's no way I'm attaining fame, money or status at a young age. Not in my field of work.
It finally settled in, the lesson of slow and steady wins the race.

My goal is to finish these night game drills before the end of the year and to be able to go out alone during day or night to approach. Then I'll be master of both worlds, so to speak.
Well, intermediate level at least.

I can now approach during daytime with little anxiety, next step is to master night game and then afterwards explore ways I can approach girls in a variety of settings, in sets of 2, groups, at the beach etc.

I actually feel like I'm in the middle of becoming more excited to go out and try to make something happen vs being more excited by the internet. I'll explain in a bit.

I'm so glad I'm not bound anymore by my desire to get rich and famous young. I had no idea how much that line of unconscious thinking was running my every action.

I remember feeling that because when I was in pain and anger all of last year, I wanted nothing more than to get rich so I could pay my medical bills and to get famous to show off to everyone who doubted me.

Turns out, no one really cares, and there are payment plans to medical care.
All I really wanted was time to pursue my sexual goals anyway, and now I have it.

Now I can go at the pace I want in regards to my career and not fast-track myself to burnout.
I don't want to be one of the chronically online dudes living life through a drip feed of content someone else is experiencing. and that's the part I'm in between now

Breaking the habit of being online vs going outside.

Here's what i mean:

Going online will give you instant gratification, but it's hollow inside. You can be endlessly entertained, but never start a meaningful relationship.

Going outside is anything but instant gratification. You want girls, friends, and relationships but all of that takes deep work in the beginning and lots of work on oneself. There are no easy wins. No easy sexual options, but
the better you get at it, the more you get out of it. And the deeper and more enriching you experience life.

That's what I'm caught in the middle of.
Going outside is barely eeking out results and I'm getting better at talking to girls, but I still don't have enough results to be more satisfied than the instant gratification of being online.

Yet on the other hand, being online is MASSIVELY starting to lose its luster. I could really give a shit what's happening on there. Sure, there are things to grab my attention, such as business tips and art tips, but as soon as I master the skills of day and nightgame, I'll be going hard in the paint outside, then the internet will be relegated for it's former purpose, simply for research and work.

I imagine my experience of life itself will be much more engaging and interesting than anything I could do online.
Actually, i feel that once I learn these basic skills of approaching and talking to strangers, the whole world will open up to me.

From there, I just want to explore some fun hobbies and activities and build a nice personal life with friends.

Beats running around grocery stores all day.

I'm reading this book called People Skills by Robert Bolton to learn how to be more assertive instead of waiting on people or avoiding them. I'm not afraid of confrontation, and I've done that A LOT in the past, I just don't know how to do it in a way that is win-win for both parties and not an attack on their personality.

I feel like working on my communication skills, expressing myself authentically and unapologetically, and getting my sex life and confidence handled is far more important to me than money or fame.

I thought the money and fame would be a means to that end, but they're not.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Upstart · Jul 22, 2024

JULY 21st DAY 76 (of 90)

Not much has been going on in the past few days.

I've been working.
Doing deep introspection.
And approaching when I can.

The girl who gave me her insta last time was warm over text, but I asked her out twice she's been too busy both. times. Fuck it.

Haven't had much motivation to swipe dating apps, so I haven't.
In fact, I'm going through a motivation transition phase right now. At least, that's how I describe it.

Let me explain:

I realize I'm happy now. I have more to be thankful about than not.
Life's good. My set up is good, my car works, my family is good, my friends are good, and I never go hungry.

When I realized that, I was no longer convinced that there was something better waiting around the corner if I just sacrificed today. It's like the source of my motivation switched.

Does this mean I'm giving up the pursuit of women?

FUCK NO. Wtf, gtfoh if you think I'm giving up.

I just bought several books on personal and professional communication that have already skyrocketed my confidence when talking to people.

I realized that my main source of motivation before was all the stored up resentment from my past. Whenever I felt slighted or trespassed against and didn't stand up for myself in the moment, that anger would get stored in a bank of fuel for my goals and desires. Almost as a passive aggressive way of getting back at everyone.

I would get rich and famous and get lots of girls to show off to everyone.
I'd finally become confident enough to be myself without restraint, when really, all I needed to learn was assertive communication skills. I had no idea about that until I started reading this book called People Skills by Robert Bolton. Now I have tools for what to do when I feel disrespected or slighted. I don't have to store all that anger anymore.

Which is what I mean by the transition of motivation. That energy bank has run out, so now it's as if I don't have the motivation to do anything as I did before. That inner anger is dying out, so I'm not forced to move by it anymore, which has caused a great relaxation in my efforts. I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone with as much fervor as I used to have.

I still want the things I want. I still want to accomplish what I want to accomplish, but I don't need to force myself to do it on my short timeline, or while I'm young. I'm willing to take as long as it takes to accomplish my goal.

Two notable interactions this week:

I spoke with a pretty sad guy about his recent separation from his wife, he was looking through relationship books for answers at a bookstore I frequent and we had a decent discussion. I used the tips I learned in the People Skills book and didn't try to advise him. Instead, I simply told him what I did in my situation and recommended The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi for him to read. Hopefully that didn't make things worse. I almost wish I got his number just so I could see how his story turned out. He has a kid with this woman.

second.

After learning a lot from the People Skills book, I felt bold enough to approach with full confidence this girl waiting for a walk light. My go-to joke in this situation is to tell the girl to walk across while traffic is going. She smiled and we had a little conversation. I didn't display intent or tell her she was cute or ask for her number, but I was happy with how naturally I was speaking to a complete stranger.

I also went out saturday night and got myself acclimated to the night scene again. I said hi to 3 girls confidently, so I'm ready to complete the drills next week hopefully.

In the meantime, I've bought a whole bunch of books on communication and self-esteem so I'll be working through those over time.

I'm going to develop a daily communication routine to practice speaking and emoting so that when I go out. I'm good to go,

this includes:
push ups and sit ups and pull ups to jumpstart my physiology
vocal exercises
Breath work
free association speaking for 5 mins
Emoting and gesturing in a mirror
meditation for 5-10 mins

Yes, it looks and feels robotic. But I'm at wits end here, I got nothing left in my toolbox besides going out more and practicing/training like an athlete at home. Maybe I'll get back on apps this week.
I blew my haircut budget on all these self help books anyway.

Upstart · Jul 31, 2024

JULY 31st DAY 86 (of 90)

I passed week 3 of the Night time Approach anxiety drills!

Here was the fit.

Besides work and gym, I didn't go out to approach this week. I've been outside of my house every single day per the 90 day challenge, though.

I've been in writing mode all week and now I have an great draft for a reboot of a comic I'm making.

Other than that, I was practicing my assertion skills at work. I have to get comfortable with not being very liked.

I think I'll get back on the apps, but I have a very busy business-focused time coming up and my 90 day challenge is almost over along with Summer.

On one hand, it feels like I wasted it chasing after women with nothing to show for it. I don't remember having much fun. Or hanging out a lot.

On the other hand, regardless of the results I spent this summer exactly how I wanted and overcame a lot of personal hurdles, did my first ever cold approaches and made a new friend. We watched Deadpool vs Wolverine the other day.

It's very easy to slip into thinking everyone has it so much easier than me or is luckier than me, but then I remember how fortunate and grateful I am to be in my current life situation.

I have no money, but I also have no kids, no wife, and no real responsibility to anyone but myself. On days when I'm not working, I'm free to create art, approach girls, do whatever I feel like doing. Though I do stay away from video games.

Maybe I just need more friends or people to tackle this journey with. It's easy to try it alone, but hard to find the motivation without a buddy. I need to find more guys in the San Marcos area willing to go out there with me.

My 90 day challenge is nearly over, but that doesn't mean I'm done here. I've got a lot of reading and practice to do and I'm willing to go as long as it takes to make this work. I really want to see the kinds of things Chris (GLL) and Andy, and Owen Cook (RSDTyler) have seen.

I want the kind of dating life I can be satisfied with, but I realize with this as with maaany other things that have happened with me, (including career, spiritual life, and my physique) that if I'm working really hard for a difficult and worthy goal, it often takes me much longer, happens much slower, and when I least expect it.

But it works 100% of the time, guaranteed.

Upstart · Aug 13, 2024

AUG 2-3rd DAY 90 (of 90)

I went out for probably the last time in a while.

And it was a great send off too, because it was a culmination of everything I started this journey with this year. I went out with my new friend (and his girlfriend), who I met at the beginning of this summer, the night was super packed with tons of opportunities, and I got to use everything I had learned by going out alone with the night AA program.

THE FIT:

I actually spoke to more girls than I anticipated since I was out with friends.
3 sets of 2 girls each:

The first 2 I talked to were fat, but pretty. I wasn't trying to hit on them, but I was interested in the object on her arm. She told me it was a diabetes monitor for her pancreas. I told her it was dope because it made her like a cyborg. She smiled, we talked a bit more and I bounced back to my friends.

Next two sets we shorter interactions, but I probably covered them in the video.

My main point for this post is that I probably won't be getting laid for a while. Nothing happened this summer despite my best efforts. I feel like I wasted the entire summer chasing girls and almost none of it was all that fun. It always feels like a trial by fire, and I know the results will be well worth it one day, but for the time being, it just feels like I'm lost.

It feels like I'll completely miss the boat in my twenties and will just have to trust that my 30s will hold the experiences I'm looking for.

I don't have the money or time to devote to dating as I did at the beginning of summer. And it feels like I'm getting cosmically cock-blocked anyway.

If stuff was supposed to happen, it would have happened by now, guaranteed. I can always tell when something is supposed to happen because it becomes easy and natural in its occurrence. When it's not meant to be, it doesn't matter how much work I put in, it just won't happen for whatever reason God makes up.

Which means I was meant to learn a different lesson this time around.

I've definitely upped my mental self-confidence.
Learning about ASSERTIVEness as a skill has been a MAJOR turning point in my life. (I'm currently reading through the ASSERTIVENESS WORKBOOK. I can't wait to set more boundaries and not be as passive as before.
My communication skills are WAY stronger than before
I can actually go out and approach women anytime I want.

I can tell that I learned a bunch of soft skills that will percolate into the hard skills of actually getting girls in my bed someday, but for whatever reason, despite my very best efforts it just didn't happen this summer.

My focus has shifted. Before it was:

Dating ==> IMMERSION
Business ==> MAINTENANCE

Now it's back to:

Business ==> IMMERSION
Dating ==> MAINTENANCE

I'm more than a little disappointed. But slightly relieved that I don't have to compulsively go out all the time.
For the time being, I will focus on doing little things I can to keep developing my social skills on a low level so I don't lose everything in maintenance mode.

Things like vocal exercises, going out on weekends, working out at home, reading all these dang self help books I got. And really preparing myself for the next open window I have to go all out on this practice.

If I can somehow make my business into a full time or even part-time income by next summer, I think I'll have a good foundation to start dating again, but without money or time at the moment, dating is the least of my priorities if all I want to do is have a bunch of sex.

But that ain't gonna stop me from going after a layup when I see one.

'Til next time, fellas.